Murder

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I've really wanted to kill my own father since I was 7 years old. I think that was about the first time I wanted to stab him in the throat. I'm 25 now and suffice to say, I only want to kill him even more.

My father's not a nice person. He used to beat my mother and all my brothers and sister. He used to beat me. He's an extremely mentally abusive person. He's a loser in life, the kind of person who loves to tell other people what they can't do, but never encourages you to do anything.

I've really, really just hoped he would drop dead sometime between me being a teenager and being 20, so I could just inherit all his money and forget about him. In fact, at this point I don't even want to inherit his money. I just really want to fucking kill him. My brother has tried to kill him before, this happened when I was thirteen years old. He bashed my father over the head with a brick and started kicking him in the teeth with steel toed boots. My sister dialed 911 on him, and I think that's why my brother stopped: he realized it was better to be charged with assault than murder. My father got several teeth replaced and for some reason, keeps on living.

I think the only way I can define this is as intrusive thoughts. No one ever calls me an angry person. No one ever calls me an edgy person. I've never assaulted everyone. However, if I said to you I hadn't been dreaming of bashing my father's skull to pieces and watching his brain splatter all over the kitchen floor where I remember him beating me all the time as a kid, every day for as long as I can remember, I'd be full on lying.

I really, really want to kill him. But at the same time, I know it would be better to just forget about him and let him die a lonely old man, never involve myself in something so stupid.

Basically, how do you stop wanting to murder someone?