help me godammit

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Hey, fuckers, this is a bona fide e-goddamn-mergency here, code alpha black money has been spent, repeat, shekels have been shed I require immediate backup

>>17376751
Go to a grocery store, and stole some chicken eggs. Put them on your dick and smash them, then you can shout "we are finally even!"

But ce reals, idk go look for it near your house or in the forest or whereever you have left it.
are your sure it wasnt your neighbour?

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>>17376796
my neighbors are all old as shit, I hope to god they didn't steal that shit. I'm pretty sure it was an animal because I let the egg chill in the sun to warm up. Can you recommend any trapping techniques or legal animal control chemicals so I can return this property to its owner?

>>17376839
haha you just made me laugh.
first you have to know which "predators" live in your area, for example fox wont leave a chance to pick one lone egg or egglooking thing,

if it was fox, buy some eggs and put it in your yard and paint them and around with uv pain.
in the evening a fox will come, pick an egg and rush back to his hole. Now the only thing you have to do is to track his steps/marks with uv light.

protip: if you have to grab something from foxhole, be sure fox isn't there, kill it in the evening or put some fire next to the hole entrance so it leaves his hideout.

>>17376880
I live in the suburbs, i've heard a hawk around here before. Seen some crows or ravens, not really sure which. I thought it was the wind at first but after spending 10 minutes searching the front yard well beyond where i knew it could have blown i figured it must have been an animal