Should I start this side relationship?

Things about this new guy and my ex that are similar:

Both raised by a single mom
Both struggled with finishing school by the traditional path, but both very intelligent and determined to get their degrees on their own timeline
Both from a different ethnic background than mine
Both speak another language at home
Both big dreamers
Both come from blue collar families (my family is white collar)
Both fans of classic cinema
Both have a younger sibling that has just kinda stopped trying at life
Both relatively sexual people
Both more dominant sexually

My ex
Didn't share my fetish
Had an anger problem
Expected perfection from me
Extremely jealous
Wanted to fit into society
Wanted me to be less involved in things

This new guy:
Shares my fetish
Has a "shake it off" personality
Thinks I'm perfect just the way I am
Wants to be dominant over me, although doesn't appear to be jealous as long as I say he's first in my thoughts
Feels like fuck society, considering leaving the country and teaching abroad in a year or two
Thinks I'm like superwoman because of my involvement in things

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>>17369014
>le explore my sexuality meme

>>17369014
what does your husband think?

>>17369088
The agreement is that I don't "rub it in his face" by talking about it.

I am not allowed to discuss it unless he asks me a question about it, and I must answer truthfully and not expand the depth of the question in my answers.

>>17369095

seems like a decent agreement, a lot better than DADT

it seems like you like the guy... I would continue to pursue it but try not to have too many expectations about where it should or will go

me and gf just opened up, so I don't really know what I'm talking about to be honest. but my plan is sort of to keep the expectations inside my main relationship and the other one's to just go with the flow and not overanalyze

>>17369072

why is everyone on /adv/ so anti open relationship

not op btw

>>17369119
Most of /adv/ is actually pro-"open relationship" degenerates.

>>17369129

what's wrong with open relationships

>>17369131
You mean other than that they don't work?

>>17369131
There's nothing wrong with open relationships as long as you stay truthful

As long as your husband are on the same page, and you two have a solid foundation (which it sounds like you do), I don't think there's anything wrong with pursuing this. And don't worry about the ex thing, I'm sure you're just looking for similarities and experiencing a little confirmation bias. If anything, you just have a "type".

>>17369139
They don't work out if you are immature, untruthful, or don't have a good relationship base. So things that have nothing to do with being open

>>17369161
Keep lying to yourself, anon, I'm sure you'll find happiness eventually.

>>17369014
>I'm married and I'm in an open relationship. My husband is functionally asexual due to a medicine he's on.
Right, I stopped reading right there, because if you're actually going to fucking cuckold your husband then I'm not going to fucking talk to you.

Go fuck yourself you skanky fucking whore

>>17369143
Funny thing is that my "type" to satisfy more of my sexual interests isn't the same "type" for dating

For dating, I'd look for
>same ethnicity
>stable family/friends/future
>goal setting
>white collar job
>mixes with my friends/I mix with theirs
>not overpossessive

>>17369119
Because they don't work for the vast vast majority of people.

>>17369176
Cuckolding implies there is a sexual relationship as part of the main relationship

I feel so bad for your husband. I guarentee you your husband just feels bad for you and isnt actually ok with the open relationship thing. The fact you are thinking about a side relationship makes me physically ill.

>>17369197
Are you saying you think my husband feels bad that I don't feel like I have "found myself" sexually?
Because I agree.
He knows I'm not satisfied sexually.

>>17369210
What does he think about the open relationship situation. How would a side relationship make him feel? Besides sex, it might make him feel like he's not your main focus emotionally either.

For those confused why I need another sexual partner:

I am not satisfied sexually. I have never had a partner get me off. Ever. Not by fingering. Not by oral. Not by sex. Not by using a vibrator. Nothing has worked.

And so then maybe you predict maybe I can't cum at all, but I can! I can make myself cum several times a day, and I enjoy it. However I really only enjoy it when I'm alone, where I can be alone with my thoughts. Where I don't feel judged.

Even when I masturbate in front of a partner, it's strained. It's not ideal. I can't get my mind in the right place.
Why is my mind not in the right place?
Because I have shame surrounding my sexual interests and I feel so judged

>>17369226
Ahhhhhh I feel you girl. Let me level with you, this is what it takes for me to orgasm (as a "straight" girl):
>dark room
>alone and unobserved
>covers up to my neck
>hitachi magic wand
>youtube videos of girls intentionally gaining weight (????? don't ask me why lol fetishes are weird ya kno)

I get all that, I can cum in like two minutes. BUT me and my bf still have great sex, because *******very important info alert******** I've let go of the idea that orgasm is the end-all be-all goal of sexual encounters. When you think about it, that attitude is kind of biased toward dudes and how they experience sex. If you have a good time and feel a bit of pleasure along with pleasing your partner (or partners, haha), consider it a positive experience. Sex can bring intimacy, closeness, fun, pleasure, orgasm, babies, love, happiness, lulz. It doesn't have to involve 100% of those things 100% of the time. If you can make yourself cum as much as you feel like on your own time, then don't worry about it with partners.

That being said, the closer you get with your partner, the more comfortable you'll be, and you may find someday that you'll be able to cum with them anyhow. With girls especially, it's like 10% physical, 90% mental.

>>17369262
I guess I need to rephrase here

I understand the main goal of sex isn't an orgasm, but if I don't get any pleasure out of it, what is the point?
Every time my husband and I have sex, I know he is fucking me because he thinks that's what I want, that I want to be normal. But normal people find enough stimulation in that experience to at least feel pleasure. When he fucks me, I get dryer by the second, and it ends after a few minutes with neither of us getting anything out of it other than to report to my husband's urologist that we tried.

I agree with you about the 90% mental, and I am saying that my husband is not engaging me mentally, sexually at all. Of course I'm not wet.

Unfortunately, for me, my main kink IS my sexuality, there is no compromise on that. And so when no one is engaging it, I'm not surprised things aren't working sexually, which is why I need to find someone who will engage this interest.

>>17369226
>I can't get my mind in the right place.
>Why is my mind not in the right place?
>I feel so judged

Your sex issues can only be solved by looking at yourself. Running around fucking other people will not give you the answers you want.

That strain, is coming from within you, not anyone else. You will not find the self-acceptance you require from other people. In fact, as you keep seeking validation from others, your problems will only get worse.

Learn to control your thoughts, and you will start to control the world you live in.

What is an open relationship? The man pays for your expenses while she gets to do whatever? Sounds pretty sweet, for her.

What's the point of a relationship, just go live with a friend and split costs.

>>17369315
As much as that generally holds true, my therapist is not in agreement with you.

She doesn't think I should be with my husband. I think she thinks it was a mistake for me to accept the sexual incompatability.

>>17369308
I see. Here's what I say: a HUGE part of developing happy relationships and a good sex life involves realizing that the shit you learned about sex and relationships from say, watching friends reruns as a kid, or hearing your mom giggle about some dirty joke, etc, is total bullshit. To put that in more "sophisticated" terms, you have to overcome paradigms that were programmed into you unconsciously (without your knowledge or consent) by the society we live in. These paradigms include, but are not limited to:

>orgasms are the only end goal of sex
>penis-in-vagina is the only form of sex
>monogamy is the only good kind of relationship
>vanilla sex is the only normal sex and everything else is weeeeeird and groooooosss
>etc etc etc.... there are a billion examples out there when you know where to look

Your husband could be trying harder, also. I understand kink being subjective but it's not uncalled for to request that he humor you for a bit. Sex is about compromise, and even if you don't have a particular kink, satisfying the kink of someone you love is pleasurable in it's own way, in the same the way that giving oral can be just as fun as receiving it. Or, I still think it's a viable option to explore people outside the relationship--but then again I'm a degenerate, what do I know

>>17369315
this guy also has a good point, but I would just point out that often the best way to learn about yourself is from interactions with other people.

>>17369321
therapists can be wrong, as I'm sure you know. Try finding one that actually knows about polyamory; they're out there

>>17369320
It's more like: "two people love each other and have sex, and both of these people are allowed to love and have sex with others"

which doesn't seem that ridiculous, if you conceive of love and sex with an attitude of abundance rather than scarcity--it isn't something you can "run out" of

>>17369340
>this guy also has a good point, but I would just point out that often the best way to learn about yourself is from interactions with other people.

Hi, I'm that guy.

Interacting with others is great way to learn about yourself, but I would just say that you need to pay close attention to YOUR thoughts, and not weight theirs too much.

If they say "A", how do you feel, and why?

That sort of thing.

How do you think your husband would respond if he did find out?

I can understand the open relationship if you can't be sexually satisfied.
But to enter in another relationship is like saying he can't even satisfy you on that part.

>>17369347

Whatever. People don't see the train coming their way until it's too late.

>>17369347

You really think that you can't "run out of sex" with your husband?

Oh boy are you wrong. You or him won't run out of sex individually, but with each other?

Oh yeah. Have fun with the train wreck that will be your divorce.

>>17369321

As much as that generally holds true

>good advice, but I'm a special case (no, you are not)

my therapist is not in agreement with you.

>If you therapist is trusted coucil, why are you asking anonymous strangers?

She doesn't think I should be with my husband.

>she might be right. I have no idea.

To be clear, I'm not out to fuck with you. I'm on your side, and without ever meeting you, I really only want happiness for you.

Please, just find some quiet, ask yourself the hard questions, and really listen for the answers. Husband, shrink, Mom, pals, none of them really know you as you know yourself. You know what you like and what you don't. We literally drown out our own voices with the clutter of being "nice" or "normal" or being liked and fitting in.

I believe in you 100%

>>17369374
Exactly. I was raised by a psycotherapist so I kind of do this automatically, but I guess it doesn't come naturally. Very good advice

>>17369375
>if he did find out
"open relationship" implies that he already knows. Otherwise it's just called cheating.

>>17369388
ooooh, sounds ominous

>>17369396
I'm not even sure what you're getting at here. You're referring to no longer being sexually satisfied by each other? Because that's where op is at already.

AND YET she wants to make her marriage work, PRECISELY BECAUSE sex isn't (!!!!!!) the only part of a marriage. These are two human beings we're talking about here, not a couple of chimps who fight each other and fuck and call it a day

>>17369402
yep, OP, my #1 piece of advice for you is to stop worrying about being such a damn normie. Normies fucking suck REEEEEEEEE

I think it's wierd how this convo got derailed when my question is how I should handle the situation with this new guy

>>17369321
The questions you're asking about this guy you're dating are the questions you'd ask about a long term partner "is he too much like my ex?" If this was just about sex, you'd be asking us how to avoid creepy guys on tinder and shit like that.


Your therapist is right. You're wasting your husbands time. A low sex drive woman would be way more compatible for him. Plus, if your open relationship ever become common knowledge, you risk shaming him. It's just a matter of time before you fall out of love with your husband if you're pursuing actual relationships with other men.

Let me ask you something else. Is you husband on medication for mental illness?

>>17369444
>"open relationship" implies that he already knows. Otherwise it's just called cheating.

>The agreement is that I don't "rub it in his face" by talking about it.

>I am not allowed to discuss it unless he asks me a question about it, and I must answer truthfully and not expand the depth of the question in my answers.


This is why I assumed he didn't know.
Which is why I asked that question.

>>17369640
He has ADHD and anxiety.

I have depression and anxiety.

>>17369529
Uh, OP you sold me on wanting to have sex outside your marriage but you quickly started talking about having a relationship with a guy, strongly considering it and want to know if you guys are a match. I'm not so sure that is what your husband agreed to. See sex issue ok, emotionally connected with someone I really dig and fuck them sounds like that is the guy you should have married. Not once have you worried if your husband will be hurt when he finds out finding your self sexually meant checking out on him.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Open relationships are bullshit. It's a free pass to cuck some guy. Even if he's asexual he shouldn't agree to it. Your post makes me want to fucking throw up.

>>17369014
>My husband is functionally asexual due to a medicine he's on
in sickness and in health OP. I don't understand why you agreed to marry but then again many people shouldn't marry because they cannot maintain the commitment

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>>17369141
>There's nothing wrong with being a cuck
Fixed.

>>17369700
We agreed for it to be open 3 months before we got married.
I also had them take out of the vows anything about monogamy.

>>17369663
>I have depression and anxiety
so you figure the way to fix that is to start dating some other broke fucker and get sucked into new drama and bring down your stable marriage. Luck to ya

>>17369717
Come on OP you and I both know you guys shouldn't have married. You aren't out for fucking you are out for a replacement for your husband. Call it what it is and get on with it.

>>17369726
No...I'd like to stay with my husband.

As you can maybe tell from earlier posts, there is a pressure to pick a certain type of guy to date/marry, but when I don't have to think about longterm prospects, I choose someone quite different.

>>17369762
What is making your husbands sex drive low? Is it actually a medication?

>>17369806
Combination of several things
>car accident that left his dad paralyzed
>lack of alone time/ not masturbating until 18
>borderline low testoserone
>Lexipro (antidepressant)
>Performance anxiety
>religious messages shoved down his throat when he was young
>borderline neglectful family: his brothers came first

>>17369014
It sounds like there is a chance your side guy might get a bit too attached. You need to set some boundaries and really make it clear to him where they lay, and make sure he understands and accepts exactly what is going on.

>>17369864
If he has low test, why not go on HRT?

>>17370014
This was not deemed necissary due to the repeat testing and the average levels

>>17369014
why cant i post anything here reee

>>17370076
Well now you did

>>17369900
My side guy has a crush on me, I know that...
I just skyped him, and he had me repeat back to him that I am his

>>17370245
Like, in a kinky pretend setting the scene way, or seriously?

You might be getting in a little deep here and have to reel it in.

>>17370268
He's dominant (and knows my limits), so...
He wants me to "belong to him" sexually
And basically do whatever he says

And in return he'll guide me through my sexual interests and give me confidence I don't have otherwise

>>17370075
Necessary by a doctor looking at a table of mean values. A doctor looking at low test levels and low sex drive impacting your marriage would have likely found this clinically signifigant.

25 year old dude here.

Thanks for the reminder to never get married, OP.

>>17369161

Humans are rarely what you said.

Also humans are creature of emotion, not logic. Someone is eventually going to get hurt if not lose feeling for their "significant" other.

Also don't be like those dysfunctional marriages where they save face by being married but then sleep with different people and both know it. It's one of the most fucked things married people can do. I wouldn't even call it a marriage at that point, just selfishness.

>>17369161

Humans are rarely have what you listed. Of course there are imperfections to be had, but there's a difference between that and the individual character traits you wrote down.

Also humans are creatures of emotion, not logic. Someone is eventually going to get hurt if not lose feeling for their "significant" other.

Also don't be like those dysfunctional marriages where they save face by being married but then sleep with different people and both know it. It's one of the most fucked things married people can do. I wouldn't even call it a marriage at that point, just selfishness.

>>17371553
A marriage between consenting mature adults can consist of whatever the two (or more) agree upon mutually.

>>17371562
Hell, can you marry yourself?

>>17371042
The doctor has met with my husband on several occasions and has met with us together on 2 occasions. The 2 visits I had were legitimately 1 hour conversations.
He has been perscribed Cialis to use "as needed" and to masturbate 3x per week. He never masturbates and never used the Cialis because he "doesn't feel he needs it". Trust me, he needs it.

>>17369119
Because it's intellectual window dressing for "I am a whore"

Fucked up

My ex is in a happy, functional open relationship with a fine young man. In polyamory it is common for people to have a primary partner and then have others that are more or less satellite relations, though those can get deeper than that if all parties are consenting.
By the way, the reason we broke up was not because of our open relationship, and to this day they are my best friend.

There's nothing wrong with either polyamory or monogamy. but neither model works for absolutely everybody, that can lead to hurt feelings. You just have to be careful, and honest.

op, go for it, but only go for it because it makes you happy, not because you're dissatisfied with your spouse. at that point you're basically emotionally cheating with them.

>>17373092
>because it makes you happy, not because you're dissatisfied with your spouse. at that point you're basically emotionally cheating with them
excellent point and I think that is what has happened here with OP. Seems she is taking applications for his replacement but calling it an honest agreement at an open relationship