first love dumped me -gay sob story inb4

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hi /adv
i met my now ex girlfriend in fourth grade - lets call her... "ashley" for sake of anonymity. we became quick friends, inseparable, adventurous, i knew i loved her the moment i met her. she was just so full of such...light and love.
the summer of sixth grade came and i had to move but we stayed in contact over facebook
while talking we ended up confessing our feelings for each other and dated long distance over three years. we were never able to see each other but that didnt stop us.
as middle school came to a close i became more and more anxious with how serious our relationship was becoming. i didnt know how my family would react to the news. i hated myself for being how i was, for being gay. ashley has always been so much stronger than me she didnt worry about other peoples opinions she just was so much stronger
this is getting long alread, so to sum up
i told her i was seeing someone else to hide my gay shit bc im a huge coward.
i broke her heart and we didnt talk for years. junior year of high school we reconnected and started dating again
senoir year, present, she broke up with me saying she could never trust me again, that it could never be the same.
i still love her and i miss her so much. im thinking about suicide desu
she doesnt want me to talk to her anymore.
tldr; im gay for childhood friend and took a cowards way out and know she'll never trust me again
help