Are some gay people just damaged?

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Hi, I'm just wondering if anyone else had a similar experience to me. I'm 27 and I've felt gay my whole life but I have always wondered if something happened to make me gay or if I was born gay.

When I was younger like 3-5 years old, I used to experiment with kids in my daycare in the bathroom (it was a christian daycare lol). There was like a group of 3 or 4 of us boys I can't remember. I remember that one of the kids showed us how to play with ourselves and then we all kind of went along with it.

Fast forward to me being like 5 or 7 and I'm showing my older cousin (he's like 8 or 9) how to kiss and suck dick. And go on to teaching neighborhood kids what I learned in kindergarten.

Again, fast forward to freshman year after the homecoming game and I'm 13 and my best friend is sleeping over. I tell him I'm gay and try to seduce him? Anyways give him a blowjob and he pretends to be asleep.

When I turned 20 I finally had sex for the first time with a drunk straight guy who literally raped me (I was definitely bleeding), but for some reason I loved it. Helped him get home after he freaked out for having sex with me and slept in his bed...the next morning was so awkward.

I feel like all the guys I go for definitely don't want a relationship. They just want me for sex and then get rid of me. I think that's why I like straight guys, because I feel like I don't deserve love. Has anyone been through any of this or can relate in any way? Haven't told anyone any of this...