Dayli Hellish life #1

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I got some objectives for today, same as yesterday but I failed again, I did not wake up early, I did not eat my proper breakfast I could barely just eat a donut and it took me 50 min.
I should've go run at morning but I could not due to not eating and feeling energyless.

Played some vidia games enjoy a little but less than yesterday knowing I am just wasting my time and not focusing on my objectives.

Sit on couch waiting for the hell of lunch knowing I wont enjoy meal nor the company of my family knowing that the fear the insecurities an a lot of bad thoughts would attack me during it making impossible to eat.

Time to eat as just as ii thought.

I once had a love for a girl that was almost the imposible thing to archieve, It was healthy, the hope of maybe having the chance bright my day. No Fear no Thoughts just willpower at its best.

But now all the depresive the fear and insecurities attacked my love and turned into an obsesion, I think it can be divided in 2 parts.

the 1st part as my day is an entire hellish shit and nothing I do puts some dopamine on me my body has the necessity of seeing her face constantly or trying to know something about her.

the 2nd part is everything I do is reflected on thoughs about her like I could not do it at her side like there is no chance like i am not worth her like she will be dissapointed and jhust say "what a pathetic looser it even scares me"

and this was just half of my day.

I once was fit when I loved her but now all the good in me has turned upside down I lost my gains My willpower is not enough something stronger always beats it with the fear the insecurities the anxiety.

I do not consider suicide as the only hope left is meeting her and this is what drives the remains of my skull