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Arguments...

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Hey guys, femanon here. Have a problem with my boyfriend. Maybe you have some advise. Hes often here on 4chan, so maybe one of you can tell me how this is gonna work out...

We had an argument again. I asked him to sign up a private account for me on some website. Unfortunately he used some very important Nick of mine as my visible-to-everybody Name (which cant be changed) and tied this in the websites database to my private email which included my real name. I was pretty mad since he should have known better.
When Im mad like this, I raise my voice. Its no more the lil girlie voice I usually have, I can sound very strict. He said "ok i did crap" but thats all that it was to him. He couldnt understand why I wasnt switching to all happy cute silly girl I usually am. My mood didnt change.
Actually I even grow more angry when he tries to mute me.. He actually tries to cover my mouth with his hands. He is afraid of neighbours hearing us. I think it is possible that neighbours hear that theres some uproar, but to actually hear and understand us they would need to eavesdrop. And it really drives me mad when hes trying to force me to be calm, it feels like being censored.
I never get offensive with what I say, I just get a louder then usual. Not the whole potential of volume I could offer, just louder. And my voice sounds kinda strict.
This time he actually left the house and so far he didnt come back. Im not sure if he will sleep at his parents. Im just hurt that he doesnt allow me to speak the way I feel and then just leaves. What do you guys think?
>>
>you ask him to do something for you
>he does it
>but not the way you wanted, despite you not communicating that
>you yell at him
>wonder why he leaves
>conclude with saying you're hurt when you're the one who instigated all this
>>
What the fuck is your question seriously? You're all over the place in this post OP, he said "ok i did crap" and you're saying "Thats all it was to him" well what the hell are you expecting him to say? I see him apologise for what he did and you say it's not enough, how high maintenance are you.

You also say you raise your voice to the point where he covers your mouth? How loud are you srsly? One of yous needs to tolerate more.
>>
Yes, he did me a favour, but he also understood he messed it up. Im less raging about his messup then about him trying to mute me and the moment he fails he just runs off. I need advise about how to prevent this.
To me, freedom of speech is very dear. He totally ignored this, and he ignored it in past too. He did understand that it is dear to me to be allowed to say what i think and to feel the way I do, yet, if its uncomfortable to him, he prefers to mute me. What can I do?
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>>17119090
>You also say you raise your voice to the point where he covers your mouth?
Im not louder then an average girl, but he is very sensitive. To me it feels like censorship. He doesnt like what I say, he mutes me.
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>>17119098
Look, i silence my girlfriend in arguments with logic, not covering her mouth. I'd only cover her mouth if she was yelling or raising her voice at inappropriate times/places. Never for having differing opinion.

If your boyfriend just covers your mouth purely due to silencing differing opinion then you need a new boyfriend. Im assuming he covers it because you raise your voice as you said.
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>>1711909
Has he ever muted you when you didn't raise your voice?
>>
Grow the fuck up.

You don't get to say whatever the fuck you want to your partner with impunity. Even when you're annoyed (which you don't have the right to be in this case -- it sounds like you communicated poorly and then blamed it on him) you still have to be civil and respectful. That means you have to control your tone. You failed to do that.

Getting upset at that isn't "censorship" or curtailing your "freedom of speech." It's your boyfriend getting mad at you because you acted like a spoiled child.

You're in the wrong here. Apologize.
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>>17119093
He either didn't want your neighbors to hear, or for them to call the police to. It's shitty when the people near you stare at you and judge you because you can't shut the fuck up. Learn to not raise your voice like a child. If he says sorry for trying to cover your mouth and you dont try to continue arguing you can let this blow over or destroy your relationship over a toddler tantrum.
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>>17119107
>Im assuming he covers it because you raise your voice as you said.
Yes i think so. Es a bit different... He prefers to stay invisible even though were at home. Hes the one bringing the trash out while i clean dishes (something he never does cauz he hates the bubbles).. well, he refuses to bring the trash out the moment he could be seen. He never wants to be seen.. its like he panicks the moment i raise my voice a little.. He also forbids me to watch tv in a normal way. its either gotta be almost-mute (very silent) or i gotta wear headphones. All because hes scared of being noticed
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>>17119119
>Has he ever muted you when you didn't raise your voice?
no, as far i remember only when i was getting louder then usual.
>>
>I'm going to sign up for that for her
>I know the name she uses, so I'll use that. I hope she likes that I did it without having to ask
>oh christ she's shouting
>I can't deal with this
>I need to get out of here
>>
>>17119123
>Even when you're annoyed (which you don't have the right to be in this case
Wrong, i have the right to feel the way i do, no matter what others think. I respect your opinion, but i have my own. thanks.
>>
>>17119124
>If he says sorry for trying to cover your mouth
He never is sorry for that
>>
Hi.

I can identify myself with your situation. My partner is also very volatile and many times raise her voice.

My opinion is that you should never do this. Your boyfriend is probably feeling abused and embarrassed that your neighbours can be part of your personal problems.

My recommendation to you is that you need to become more aware of how you express yourself and take control of that. Abuse can be physical but also psychologic.

You seems to be a bright girl so why not to apologise for your mistake first, then explain how you feel when he tries to mute you. I believe that he only does that because of the tone of your voice.

Be the grow up here and take the initiative for a peaceful discussion and avoid the abusive tone next time.
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>>17119129
You sound italian as fuck. He sounds like a private, misophonic person. It really sounds like you two are a terrible match for each other.
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>>17119129
>>17119133
Okay so now we got this straight, he only muted your because you spoke loudly, you need to talk to him about it and see if you can come to an agreement with him (otherwise leave him).

What mental disorder has he been diagnosed with? If none, get him to see a shrink because this is not normal behavior and needs help to overcome it.
>>
>>17119138
im not sure if thats what hes thinking.. hes more panicking, less thinking.. I think hes in a panic because he risks to lose something he calls ghost-status
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>>17119150
>ghost-status

What a fucking b8, nice one.

/THREAD
>>
>>17119148
>guy wants to live without coming into contact with people
>better get him diagnosed and medicated

I'll bet any amount of money you are American.
>>
>>17119145
>Your boyfriend is probably feeling abused and embarrassed that your neighbours can be part of your personal problems.
i guess youre right there.. yet, growing up or being bright doesnt mean to be silent.. I stand up for my rights, i have a right to feel and speak. I dont really mean to be loud, its just i cant help it to go louder the moment he tries to mute me.. its like he notices me having a hard time to control the voice, and then he pushes the mute button which makes me go even louder
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>>17119148
>get him to see a shrink because this is not normal behavior
I acutally asked him to see a doctor because his behaviour is somethimes weird... hes really into not-being-noticed all day.. he tells me he doesnt want to be blamed by anyone with anything.. I personally dont see a reason to blame us.. i think our relationship would be much calmer if he woudlnt want to mute me the moment i get angry... caus it really makes it worse
>>
I did not say to you be quiet or hide your feelings. This would make things worse. I only suggested that you should be aware of how you speak to him.

I get the impression that this happens often, and it happens often because none you two are willing to change.

Again, be the grow up here and take the initiative for a peaceful discussion and avoid the abusive tone. Tell him how you feel and what triggers your reaction. After that, let him talk, listen to him. Finally, both should try to find a solution to not repeat the ordeal.
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>>17119183
>Tell him how you feel and what triggers your reaction.
I did that already several times.. But situations, where I have to tell him that he did something wrong (usually having me clean up after him), he is panicking and tries to make me shut up, even if im not loud at all. He is trying to argue with me.. but when he just wont listen i tend to go louder then usual. Thats when he starts muting me in a physical way, by blocking my mouth and such. It build beyond reason.. little things that make me go mad the moment im muted.. Told him that, but he cant stop muting me... Im not sure if he is not able to learn or provokes it on purpose. What do you think?
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>>17119211

Look, I find very unlikely that this is by purpose and if it is there is a problem there. Let's assume that is not by purpose, the first think that you both need to understand is what is causing him to panic. What is your opinion about this?
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>>17119158
>What a fucking b8, nice one.
not a bait... im serious. But i think hes makeing fun of something thats actually serious to him.. I really think he is afraid of being seen.
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>>17119129
So you're loud and he's quiet. Gotta just accept your differences, frankly.

>>17119211
The sound bothers him. Some people have more sensitive hearing than others, and also have a lower threshold for worrying about disturbance, ie he thinks it's loud enough to bother the neighbors and he doesn't like bothering people.

It's just a personality difference, me and my brother are like this (he's loud as hell and i'm very quiet, i prefer music/etc at much much lower volume than he does).
Remember that "not loud at all" is subjective, to him it's probably extremely loud.

imho it's better to keep to a normal tone of voice anyway even while arguing, it helps one stay reasonable and hear the other person out instead of being tempted to simply shout over them.
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>>17119261
>it helps one stay reasonable and hear the other person out instead of being tempted to simply shout over them.
I totally agree with that but what shall i do? the moment I explain my worries or watever is troubling me, he goes righ "shhhhh" "shhuushhh" "quieeeet" even when im not loud... then i get loud because hes not listening. hes just wanting me to shut up, no matter how reasonable i talk. I think he is avoiding the conflict.. he told me he doesnt like that im "winning".. i told him its not about winning... but he doesnt care
>>
I can't believe that everyone fell for this bait
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>>17119251
>you both need to understand is what is causing him to panic. What is your opinion about this?
I think that hes panicking because he doesnt want to be noticed. As I said, hes not even taking the trash out if somebody else is downstairs. and the moment nobody is outside he runs and comes back exhausted, sometimes i really think it stresses him.. I have no idea why he choses to bring trash out over other things.. he told me he (as guy) doesnt want to work IN the house, but outside is ok.
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>>17119266
>I think he is avoiding the conflict
Yeah. Unfortunately this is hard to fix directly.
Consider different strategies, different ways of approaching him about problems (less aggressive approaches).
Basically, try go about it diplomatically, making it seem like a cooperative effort rather than a conflict.

>>17119275
Sounds like an anxiety/stress issue, is he under pressure at work?
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>>17119275
>Return
I don't really get the in, out house. Could you clarify?

Humn, don't you think that he might be showing some symptoms of panic attacks?
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>>17119294
>is he under pressure at work?
I didnt think so but he (returned) just said he is. He sais to postpone a lot of things in general. Maybe he is stressed out.
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>>17119297
>I don't really get the in, out house. Could you clarify?
He is avoiding work in the house (ironing, cleaning, etc) and prefers work outside, like anything to do with the cellar, or bringing trash out. Its a matter of man-housejobs... not sure how to explain it any better
>>
Well he came back and we talked a little. He wanted to keep it as short as possible. He totally took the blame and said i had a reason to be mad and he behaved wrong... I dont like when he doesnt really say what he thinks just so the topic is over. I think we would have better benefits if we talked open , listening to each other, nobody muting the other, just saying what we think and feel. with honest respect
>>
He just said something which i didnt expect... He said he doesnt want to do work in the house if he expects me to to the job better. He wants to see a result in his work which is better then I would have done it..
Ive never seen housework as a competition, but he seems to see it as one.. I asked him if its ok to ask you guys about this, and he said its ok. hes halfway reasding this threat by now.
>>
Ok im off.. spending some time with him. thanks for listening.. ill think about some things that were said.
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>>17119021
OP this reads like you have actual, factual autism.
Thread posts: 38
Thread images: 1


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