GIOYC

>>16999097
Thx anon, u da real mvp

I'm beginning to not want to be around you or let you touch me. You say you're not doing things anymore but I can't trust that. And you make it obvious that I can't trust it. There are so many things that I am keeping to myself right now to protect your feelings but I'm getting to the point that I just don't give a fuck anymore. I understand now why you have been fucked over so many times. All that said I do love you and I don't want to hate you. But you're starting to leave me no choice.

I manscaped.

Don't have the ballz to tell my friend that I slept with his ex gf

>>16999248
The only reason that would matter is if she was his gf when you slept with her and were you 2 friends when it happened. Even then it's not that big a deal in my eyes, what would piss me off is omitting that truth for years rather than just fucking saying it and being done with it and moving on. It's much easier to move on when people aren't gaslighting you.

I'm going to talk to my boss and honestly see if the job was ment to be after I get her input after a year of working under her. If it's a yes im relieved if not I hope there's a place better for me that'll surpass this one. I'm wprried, scared, and nervous to honestly hear what I have to hear about if Im good enough cause I came a looooooong way. All I intend that I get a positive outcome regardless. Please ... All I want to know is my boss will always be understanding and never thinking any less of my work

Tonight I masturbated to the thought of you fixing things with me and telling me in person that you love me. It was hot, it really was. There's so much we could've been and I'm sad you let it go. I was gonna make this the most fun experience of your life.

I want to wake up and have something to look forward to, but everything i do feels just like a time killer or useless.

>>16999403
Initials?

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I'm starting to get seriously pissed off.

It's April. There's snow on the ground, my trash barrels have ice on them. It's FUCKING COLD outside. This shit is pissing me off beyond belief. I just want spring to come FFS.

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>>16999403
I let it go cuz ur a lil bitch

>>16999593
That's mean unless you are the person I'm talking about. If so have the balls to say it in person give initials here

Fuck you too bitch! Did I say I wanted to fuck you? No I said I wanted to watch you!

>My STI screening came back negative.
>So did hers
I'M HAVING SEX THIS WEEKEND, PEOPLE!

A line without beginning.

Time is a day that echoes himself.
Memories attached to it. Time flows differently when we were together.
Today seems like an eternity. The exact opposite of back then.
Why ? Why is time flows too fast when we are with people we like the most, and why does it flows too slow when we long to be with them ?
The answer lies within the brain. Because when i was with you, i only allowed myself to feel, not to think.
To feel your touch i liked so much. To feel your love i desired so much. To feel you. That was yesterday
It hurts. Absent of all these things, i cannot help but think about yesterday. This is exausting. And this is today.
Tomorrow leads me to a path which has two roads : the two of them are damaged and cloudy, and there is a sign on both.
The one on the right says "yesterday" and the other one has "today".
I see you standing on both ways.
Because time is a day that echoes himself.

A line without end.

Are you ignoring me? It feels like you're ignoring me. Please, don't. I need you too much.
I don't need your body, or your love. But I do need your mind and your time.
Please don't shut me out.

God it's been so long. I am now a single woman on a mission to be the best person for myself and everyone in my life. I am scared.. but I know I made the right decision at this point in life. I felt like shit around you all the time. I have a good job lined up and my house is on the market finally. Time to turn that page and close this chapter. It's never goodbye.

I wish the pills I took to kill myself would have worked.

>>16999403
You let it go

Last night I saw this guy I'm supposed to be "keeping it on the down low" with, because he's getting back with his baby mama but wants me on the side. I was okay with this in theory and he's hot and the sex is good but last night I just wanted to go home with him but he kept pushing me away so I just left. This morning I got a message asking where I went and would I meet him at his place. And so I texted him that I didn't like being pushed away like that and then we went back and forth until he did the are you crazy shot with me and I said good luck and blocked him. So once again I'm miserable.

>>16999829
What? Look I'm just venting why am I getting all this shit for it? Everyone here is being stupid and pathetic why can't I????

>>16999097
The only thing keeping me from killing myself is knowing that people would still remember me and stupid things that I did throughout my life, and I decide its not worth the effort.

I feel nothing but an incredible sadness when I think about you. I've known you for a decade, and now that I've finally stop perusing you, I've accomplished more in the past 4 months then I have in years. We've supported and helped each other at every turn, but ultimately the entire relationship was unhealthy. I didn't act out of lust or desire that night, It was calculated. I wanted you to hate me so I had no way to weasel back, I returned only moments late just to salt to wound. We can't be in each others lives in any way whatsoever. It's better for both of us. I regret everything, but I have no other option that won't be a detriment to my mental and spiritual health.

I masturbated this morning thinking about you. I watched a porn clip on my phone of someone with hair like yours fucking a guy up the arse with a strap-on, and I imagined that was you pegging me. I came, alone, ashamed, holding my hard cock down into the toilet bowl.
At work today you hardly acknowledged me at all.
Tonight I will masturbate again thinking of you standing with your back turned and ignoring me. I'll probably cry.

I know why you're apprehensive and you have every right to be.

I guess that you're ignoring me and being a spiteful little bitch because your busy being an hero. The first time you threatened to leave I should have deleted every trace of you and not looked back. In the time that's past you've been a useless spoiled princess, I'm sure mommys overjoyed to have your lazy ass soiling her couch again. I pity the next guy who falls for your sob story.

I have a rope with the noose already tied and I keep it within reach at all times. i'm just one drink away to get the courage to do it.

>>16999974
No you dont

>>17000144
Yeah you're right, that would actually require talking.

I love a lot and you'v been so caring these past few months. Maybe its good we haven't really been hanging out anymore, distancing yourself is helping me forget you, even though you are the only friend I can actually talk to. In a lot of ways I think you know I have these feelings towards you but you were a good enough friend to ignore the signs or be confrontational. I really wish one day you could see all these posts about you but i know you'll most likely never even come to these forums. Sometimes I think about you and all the emotions start coming back and I get all choked up.

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I fear I am becoming the kind of man tumblr thinks all men are.

>Years ago
>Meet this girl
>I think she might be into me, but I do nothing, because I am always imagining that girls want my d
>Time goes by, we go separated ways, we meet again
>Same feeling she's into me
>I swear it's nothing, I really want it to be real, but I get that feeling from almost any girl
>Time goes by, same thing, we split and reunite again, she's studying in the same college
>See each other almost daily, spend lots of time together
>This time, it's not a feeling. She's actually trying to get the d
>At the slightest chance, she goes to hugging, kissing, or coping a feel somewhere. Lots of time. Anytime
>She tells me stuff like "You should take me to your hometown", or "We totally should travel to New York together!", or jokes constantly about wanting sex or being my girlfriend
>At a party, she mostly danced with me
>Female friends have seen all of this and tell me to go for it
>One day, I do, she rejects me. Tells me she didn't expect that, and that we should only be friends
>Get internally mad because she was giving me signals, but whatever
>A month later we're finally friends again

And I don't want to, but I am mad as hell because it feels that she's just blueballing me for her self-esteem or something. I want to believe that all this she has done was innocent and I'm just dumb, we're still friends, but deeply I am mad and I'm still looking for the slightest chance to bone her.

>> Be in an open marriage from the start
>> Find cute guy I like
>> Husband hates him
>> Try to fight off feeling for 3+ years
>> Confirm recently that cute guy DOES have a thing for me.
>> Cry because stupid macho double-standard where I don't care if he has a girlfriend
>> he wants to be involved with all of my girlfriends
>> and he wants to be the gate-keeper for any boyfriend I might want.
>> He refuses to work through his insecurities.

tl;dr
I'm making all the sacrifices, and giving up all relationships, even though he agreed to an open marriage.

>>17000394
yea go ahead and fuck the guy you like. Your husband has no say if he's dating women you have no say over.

>>17000402
He tells me that I CAN veto his lovers. I'm just not a selfish asshole. I think that whoever he wants to fuck isn't my business so long as he's safe and doesn't bring home crazy.
I'm trying to do it 'right' and work with him. But I'm constantly being stone-walled.

I just wish I was good at something. Good enough that I can say to myself "You know what? You're pretty good." I want to learn the violin, but it's so demoralising when it's so damn hard and you just don't get it. I want to be a writer, and sure I'm finishing my degree with a good result but I don't feel like I'm good at it. I just feel like I'm crap at everything I do, and I see so many talented people who just know what they're good at and love doing it. Artists, musicians, people who are good at socialising and shit like that. Everyone seems to be really good at something, and I'm just crap at everything.

>>17000452
tell him that the veto clause is no more
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsW9MlYu31g

>>16999942
Ok, did this. Now I feel completely awful.
Success!

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I got fucked over more than massively by a teacher and the consequence might be that I lost two shitty years of my life doing something I absolutely detest on top of the 3 years I lost over shitty decisions.
I'm seriously considering stabbing that cunt, or at the very least just quit when I know there's nothing else I can do and call her a fucking cunt and insult her in front of the 20 other people who fucking hate her guts out, I'd be wasting 2 years but at least I'd call her out on her bullshit.

Times like these that seriously make me understand people's addictions to drugs, I've been a fucking wreck for a week now.

>>17000452
If it was predicated on the idea that you each would have veto privileges, then it was predicated on veto privileges. Don't like it? Tough. Renegotiate for a monogamous relationship if you want, but he's not going to accept renegotiating for no veto privileges. If you are comfortable with him being with other people, that's great. He can be with other people. He's clearly not okay with you being with this person. Relationships are about coming to an agreement.

>>17000493
I've thought about it. But the question then becomes: am I willing to put up with his passive aggressive bullshit?

>>17000229
something you're an expert at?

>>17000523
A Veto wasn't what we negotiated. He thought that up AFTER the fact.
In the beginning he said he wanted to meet my partners to help mediate his jealousy issues. And everything was fine when I was dating women. But now that I've found a guy I like, he's changed the 'rules'.
I even brought up that he's changed the rules.
His response? "I just can't respect you if you sleep with him."

>Meet a man
>Instantly hits it off
>Fucks, cuddles, talks, etc.
>Have the conversation if we are dating or not, he wants to date and says I love you
>Cheats on me the very next day after our established relationship
>Cuts him off completely
>3 years later he apologizes
>I'm still grumpy but sort of over it. It's been 3 years after all.
>Become friends
>Friends turn into fuck buddies
>Fuck buddies into lovers
>Establish relationship
>He has completely changed, very attentive and tells me how much he loves me.
>Having a hard time to trust him, but eventually let it go as he hasn't cheated.
>Forward nearly two years together, although knowing each other for approx 5 years altogether.
>Two days ago he proposed and wants us to have a family
>Say yes to the proposal but wants to wait on the family thing to be sure.
>Go home after work.
>Fiancé in complete tears, shaking on the floor in a panic attack and has wrecked the place.
>His ex, which he had a daughter with (baby died during the first year), had faked her suicide, moved from town and had now catfished him on social media only to reveal it was her.
>Fiancé been beating and blaming himself every day because of his past.
>My now complete mess of a fiancé wants to break up because "He doesn't want to bring me into the darkness."
>Comforts him for a while until he drags me out of our home
>Get the fuck out and can't help but to laugh at the situation.
>Back into my old room at parents and wondering what the fuck just happened.

>>17000534
then just get a fucking divorce

>>17000552
>jealousy issues
>open marriage
i don't know how he thought this would work.

>>17000552
On the one hand, you have that he wants to see people outside of the relationship, and you not minding that. A fairly small tradeoff if any. On the other, you want to see people outside of the relationship and at least in this case he emphatically doesn't want you to. So it's a large tradeoff that direction.

But, considering where you posted this you probably weren't looking for advice.

>>17000469
>talented people who just know what they're good at and love doing it

I'm pretty sure a lot of good musicians don't actually consider themselves talented. They find faults in their own music and strive to overcome those faults because of their love for it.

Just gotta put your mind to something and practice everyday. Results take awhile.

>>17000585
he was just jerking off to the idea of fucking other girls and his wife fucking girls

>>17000610
> They find faults in their own music and strive to overcome those faults because of their love for it

Well I wish I knew how they don't focus on their faults and focus on working to surpass them. I started writing some motivational stuff on my music stand like "I won't get better unless I practice" or "The best musicians made just as many mistakes". But I just can't stop thinking about how bad I am. Plus I get pretty embarrassed playing when my housemates are here. Like a couple of them are musicians so I'm sure they'll know all about practicing, but I just get so concious of them being in whenever I play, knowing that they have to listen to how absolute shit I am at it.

>>17000552
Clearly it's his way or no way. I wouldn't put up with it. Sorry you're going through this. It's not fair to you.

>>17000635

Bad music is subjective, even though you might think you're shit it might just be someone's favorite shit.
But then again I'm just a fucking hipster when it comes to music, many people would consider Crywank barely music but I love those dudes.

I'm scared as heck about dating you James. I know you live close, we enjoy eachothers company, you look and sound great through skype, but you haven't seen me yet. I know as soon as you see a picture of me with how ugly I am it'll come crashing down and you'll share it with others. Sorry.

first time actuall replying to a thread like this:

>be 20, m, tall but a little chubby, always had a crush on this particular girl
>be 21, we finally start dating and she becomes my gf
>she's bipolar and has eating disorders, but that's ok for me cuz i love her and want to help (also I'm a little fucked up myself :P)
>3 wonderful years pass, we do a lot outside and visit friends in germany, switzerland, etc.
>she's getting better, even starts eating more joyfully, gains some weight and looks simply great
>suddenly she turns 180°
>i love to cook for her ever since, but she doesnt want to eat anymore what i cook for her (tried even vegeterian and vegan)
>don't want to throw food away so i eat her portion too
>gain weight and become more chubby
>old clothes won't fit anymore
>become depressed
>just playing dota2 - in summer i did not even leave the house (except for work)
>she becomes mad at me for being such a "drag"
>be 24, she leaves me on the last day of a festival
>heavy depression
>tried to kill myself 3 times, never succeeded
(strangulation; passed out but regained consciousness)
>drinking heavily
>job runs gr8 btw (software developer btw)
>year passes, be 25 now, had no sex with any girl since breakup, not even a date or sth.
>get to know this gorgeous girl which is studying politics, hosts a radio show and is intelligent AF (exactly my type)
>i meet her some times with her friends
>some sparks here and there
>but still totaly depressed and thin-skinned
>want to feel some love again after this year
>learned she broke up with her bf some weeks ago (shitty guy who had affairs)
>reallybadtiming.jpg
>but still want this girl badly
>we go out over a weekend
>friday runs great, we almost kiss
>sparks everywhere, really feeling good on this night
>saturday is a disaster
>she said some things which reminded me of the hurting things my ex said
>thin-skinned (as said before)
>i said a mean thing
>now she does not want to see me anymore

>>17000548
Sweetie, it's hard to talk to someone who is so self-involved.

>>17000671
sorry if I was not greentexting correctly - wasn't here for a loooong time.

story is way longer btw. but i did not want to bore you guys out ;-)
thx 4 listening though.. it helped a bit.
today i thought i would choke and suffocate on my feelings..

>>16999864
Ditto.
You are still the one that let it go

>>16999403
M?!

I wish i could be more of a human bean but i just keep seeing things in black & white, positive & negative, gain & loss ; i just can't see how everyone is so stupid to be deluded by their feelings all the time. Is it so wrong to want to live honestly, objectively and unencumbered ?

I am a mongrel and I do not deserve to be loved

>>17000674
Self-involved?

>>17000712
Do you think you know who I am for real?

>>17000720
CREEPY!!!!!!!! LEAVE TROLL donald trump does not like and you sa>>17000720
y>>17000720
the creepy stuff

>>17000576

Holy shit I'm sorry. I can't imagine what that must have felt like.

I have a stats exam today. I have not studied enough.
If I fail, I am bared from reapplying for the same study (practically for ever)
In my first exam i had 14/24 and I only need 16/24 to pass.

STATS IS SO EASY WHY CANNOT I DO IT???
STATS IS EVERYWHERE
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

>>17000576
wtf, i wouldn't believe his story for a second. that's shit compulsive liars come up with 'it's so outrageous i couldn't make this up'.

I have never told anyone this ever.

I lost my virginity to rape. I started taking a new prescription muscle relaxer for a stomach issue while taking my anxiety medication. The end result put me into a very drugged up confused and black-out state at times. A girl that had a crush on me in state university asked me to watch a movie with her just after I took my medication and while laying down she start cuddling me. I had never really touched a girl before so I was extremely uncomfortable, anxious, and super drugged up. I had told her before that she was cute but I didn't want a relationship or sex or anything with her. She new my medication made me like this as well The next thing I remember she was on top of me and I freaked the fuck out, pulled out and ran out to my dorm that was super close and passed out.

I just don't know how to tell anyone.

>>17000869
who goes on a date on meds?
idiot.

>>17000884
It wasn't a date. It was in her dorm which was in the same building and her roommate was there for most of the time. It was just hanging out.

This is why I don't tell anyone.

I have so much to do on Wednesday. I have such a fucking shit ton of everything to do on Wednesday. I can't start any of it yet because of today's deadline I have for a different goddamn assignment. Fuck. I am so fucked. I just really need to make it out of this week and the next one. Two more weeks. Then everything should slow down. Fucking shit.

But I get to see you on Thursday. I hate thinking about you all the time but I do. I know you're 100% not thinking about me because you have a ton of deadlines as well. Your birthday is is ages from now, nearly 3 months. But I already found the perfect birthday present for you. When the idea came, it too good and I got excited so went and found it online and already ordered it. It should be here by this weekend. I think it might actually be bigger than I thought, based on the shipping info. Well, I'm not sure it's better than last year's gift, because you seemed to like that more than I anticipated, but it's pretty good. I love how such a small thing meant so much to you. I think you'll really like it. I know you hate your birthday, but I want to remind you how much I care. I do pay attention to the things you tell me. I think that this isn't something other people would normally think to get you, so I think it will stand out. I hope it stands out. I should ask you where you put the other one. Do you see it often? I love seeing you smile. I almost want to give it to you before your birthday, because there's another even coming up (and like I said, you hate your birthday) but I think I want to surprise you.

It's so exciting. I'm so happy I get to see you on Thursday. Thanks for being so supportive of me and believing in me when I didn't believe in myself. I partially blame you for going through with this, but being here and working here is better than not. I realize that. So thanks. Without your encouragement, I'm not sure where I'd be right now.

>>17000849
Well at first I was just confused, because I had a good day and was down to fuck when I got home. Then when it became clear he wanted to break up, I felt a sting in my heart and the I the moment from three years ago just came like a crushing wave. I didn't even fight it because now after the lovey dovey period is over I can clearly see how miserable I would've been with him. I'm done with it for good. I'm actually most pissed that I didn't get laid today... But I guess it might be the chock of being happily engaged two days ago to becoming single and living with parents.

>>17000867
It's real. I've met his ex when we were fuck buddies back in the old days and she just disappeared. He still keep pictures of his dead daughter in his wallet, computer and in a photo album.

>>17000897
i hope you learned from that experience and never took meds again before a 'date'
and didn't she have the crazy eyes or smth.
Crazy girl you can normally tell apart from normal chicks.

>>17000936
"I hope you learned your lesson" is not something a good person says to a person that got raped.

Fucking kill yourself.

>>17000953
ok let me rephrase:
being raped is obviously far from ideal as a first sex experience.

But as a college student and having read the possible side effects of the meds (as you surely have) you should know that passing out is possible and risky. Never leave the house (or room) when you take strong meds for the first (or even second time)

see better?
sad but still kinda baka imo.

I'm in a stupid state right now

I've been knowing this woman for more than a year and a half and I've been attracted to her for quite a while now. I feel the age difference between us puts her off so I don't ever bring up that I might be attracted to her.

The thing is that right now, when I don't hear from her for quite a while, I feel like shit. If it goes on for days without talking to her, nothing brings me up. Now she calls me back, telling me how things were, how she's planning some dinner for the two of us because it's "our" birthday (I was born the 18th of this month, she was born the 20th) and I'm alright again, my energy is all back. But it happens way too frequently. It's like she has to be there for me to continue giving a shit about my life progress.

>>17000972
So going to watch a movie in another dorm in the same building with 2 other people that have been trustful thus far is a dangerous stupid act? No one else in the world would have done something like that? There is no driving or going outside. There is literally no physical danger happening from the meds pr there effects. No heavy machinery or vehicles. Just a movie in a dorm with friends.

Have you never fell asleep at a friends house? Ever had a beer? Do you expect to get raped every time you stay with a friend?

Cus if no to any of that'm starting to feel even crazier and shitty than before

You must be getting soft, I've nearly healed already, I was hoping you work might last a little longer, its like a constant hug from you while there there

>>17001027
Either tell her or don't. It's not that hard.

How old are you and how old is she? Most girls have no problem being with a guy 10 years older than they are. Are you just attracted to her because shes younger and pretty or do you actually like her?

If you do then just fucking tell her. Be like "hey, for the longest time I have been really into you and I don't want to be friends anymore. I want more than that". If she says yes than YAY if she says no then let her go. Don't talk to her don't message her do nothing because you don't seem like the kind of person that let's shit be and you'll be pining for her for a long ass time after and that's not healthy.

>>17000972
You're an idiot. I can hear you saying to a girl that gets raped at a frat party "well, why were you drinking".

Rape culture sucks

>>17001040
She's 18 years older than me. She has two "kids", one of them is almost my age. I just have too much respect for her, and so does she for me, so I don't want to lose her no matter the outcome of that.

So she left her ex a while ago and now she's dragging a lot of attention from some other guys, she's quickly shooting them down. I don't find it excellent timing to tell her this now, even though her reaction might be much more pleasant than it was with other people.

>>17001053
christ that's a bit much don't you think? Her kids are old enough or have already graduated college?

I'm assuming you have too right? Unless you're considerably older than what anyone here would expect.

Do you have kids of your own? Do you want kids eventually? Shes basically done with that shit now so if that's something you want then she won't be able to give you that.

I don't even know what to say to this honestly. Like that's such a gap you could be either 19 or 30 and the advice would be completely different for either one.

>>17001075
to add, I'm 28 and I have never even met a woman older than me. Most girls I date are around 20-22 years old.

To be fair, I don't look like I'm almost 30. I look like i'm 17 and older women don't usually want younger guys... and I look like a younger guy.

>>17001050
Not him but if you're going to a frat party and you get drunk in front of a horny bunch of losers, you're basically mentally challenged. You don't deserve to be raped, no. But the world is not a safe space. Some people out there will take advantage of any situation. You can't just throw rocks at lions and expect them to smile at you. You can way too easily avoid these situations.

The same way, I'll respond to this guy >>17001032 it blows that you were raped if you couldn't even expect your pursuer to have acted even remotely like this. But if you are even a bit suspicious, try to be cautious yourself as well. This is not a common occurrence but you have to have a clear mind around the issue and acknowledge that it's not easy as a guy to have people believing that. Tread carefully because in the worst case scenario, you might be the accused one.

>>17000869
This is really awful.

>>17001075

I'm 27 currently.

I don't mind kids. I mind her. Yeah, it's a bit too much, but that's not a worrying factor for me personally.

>>17001101
If you have a career and things are looking to be going very smooth for you in life I would still say just tell her how you feel.

If you're still living in an apartment with cheap ikea furniture and no career odds are she's not going to want to be involved with a man that hasn't got their shit together yet. Shes a mature woman that's already in an empty nest. Odds are shes going to want a man that has his shit figured out. Which is why she probably turned down the other guys. I mean shes in her mid forties she knows she doesn't have all that much time to really start a new relationship. Even if just casual, shes gonna want to get going on that.

>>17001093
hanging out with "friends" is not nearly the same as hanging out with strangers.

Seeing how people acted so far here I doubt I'll talk about it to anyone for a long ass time. I only took that combo of meds a few times because I thought the side effects would go away but they never did so I stopped taking the anxiety ones. The stomach pains are considerably worse than anxiety but still...

I think I'm going insane.
I've been alternating between short periods of overeating and long periods of starvation, and I stopped finding masturbation pleasurable.
I haven't made any meaningful relationships in a year, let alone those of a romantic sort. I have started reading more religious literature and having religious thoughts. I also have had sudden urges to hurt other people but they pass. I just want to be completely isolated at this point, which part of me feels is similar to animals walking off into a forest to die.
I am afraid to tell anyone about this.

>>17001162
You had a really bad situation there, because from what it looks like you didn't even think this friend would be capable of doing such a thing.

I have a female friend that's been always denying a crush on me, while I know with concrete proof that more than once she wanted to try some. I can enjoy my time with her but I was utterly sincere about not getting into a relationship with her or even wanting that, however I'm really keeping both eyes open if the situation arises in which she could somehow take advantage of me. But the thing is, I know that she just -might- act like that, from her attitude. You might have not known, so that sucks.

I really kind of want revenge because I am 99% sure this diner fucked with my food and this fucking kid knows.

I am so fucking tired of college in the states. Everything is about deadlines, and programs and all this shit. I have nervous gastritis cant even have a singke drink or eat anything remotely tasty without feeling like puking. I have bad joint pain that I can not fix due to being broke and the healthcare system being retarded and not accepting my insurance. College work is getting tedious and fucking everything is so dumb. I just want spring break again. Cant fucking take this shit anymore. But fuck it Im going to have to get through it anyway

>>17001452
> Everything is about deadlines, and programs and all this shit.

Welcome to the real world. This is going to be your life now until your death. If you can't keep deadlines you are going to not keep a job.

I've heard various things through passing today that stuck in my thoughts so I could keep going over them to see how they relate to my situation.
>Facts have to be faced. A matter of coming to terms with reality.
>You might not be able to get what you want, but you may be able to get something else.
>Not everything can be handled alone, sometimes you need the right person to help you.

There were others, but they're all fairly similar in meaning. Point is that I spent most of today thinking over each one and how it applies. I didn't come up with any new answers, I got the exact same result I had the entire time. I was and still am facing reality, with no hopes to salvage a situation in the way I want. The options in the situation are two roads, but not a third that I'd prefer to take.
>Walk away completely, keeping to myself and not existing in someone's life
>Exist in their life as a friend sometime in the future
Essentially, this is the part where "getting something else" comes in. I'd get the consolation prize out of the situation for it to have a "happy ending" as long as I accept being friends, or outright exit it completely by just walking. This isn't a situation in which I see the use of another party for "help" because I don't see how "help" can apply. Facts are being faced, and the only two options for the future are quite obvious. There's no delusion, there's no misplaced blame, there's no confusion over how this situation came to be and there's certainly no confusion with regards to the only two ways it can end. So there's no help anyone could lend, there's no clarity needed when it's all set out right there. With this all in mind, I think I can truthfully answer the question of "Have you really thought this through?" with "Yes" when the time comes.

>>17001544
Initials?

>>17000641
Matt?

>>17001565
My initials aren't relevant, don't worry

I'm working at getting in shape and losing weight since I've always worn clothes that were too big for me or, as a child, clothes that were too old for me.

I measured my chest and bought a shirt. I I'm teetering between XL and L but due to always wearing baggy clothes, I'm really not used to fitting clothes.

I'm finding eating clean to be pretty fun. I still think about that anon who said he was doing the same thing for the same reasons. It must have been back in January? I hope you're still going, bro.

I've got a date on Thursday. I'm going to wear the new clothes. The jeans show off my legs without being too skinny and I think they're pretty fitting around the ass. The top draws attention to my shoulders and traps. It's nice. She'll like it.

Would have liked to post this on /fit/ but everyone there seems to be a closeted homosexual who either doesn't lift, or doesn't care about lifting. It really put me off the board.

C'ya brahs. You'll all fucking make it.

I really am not too apprehensive about this. I'm going in to get a few things figured out.

I'm confident things will work out if and when I do go in the future.

Only in my imagination am I someone important, great and worth being around.

>>17001619
>>17001619
>90% of 4chan

My currently relationship is pretty much over. I've accepted it's going to end when our apartment lease ends in a couple months. I've started looking for roommates and got in touch with an ex who I'm falling for all over again. . .

>>16999974
Why ?

>>17001673
>My currently relationship is pretty much over
>I've accepted it's going to end when our apartment lease ends

So you're pretty much acknowledging your gf/bf and you won't be together once you don't have any legal or financially binding commitments?

May I ask how you feel about this? Indifferent? Sad? Happy? Conflicted?

>>17001959
happy? yet a little guilty for feeling that way. it's been going downhill for a while and I don't want a messy break up so this is going to work out as best as it can.

My BMI is at 17.7. I'm barely 100 pounds. But I still feel fat as fuck. I think I have a problem but I have so many other issues that it's seriously like "fuck it" at this point.

I'm so sad and miserable all the time, the only thing that makes me happy is seeing my tiny thighs and feeling small and cute. But then I look in the mirror and see this disgusting blob of flesh. But no one would believe me.

>>17002080
I know how you feel. I was at a BMI of 14 last semester and was 94 pounds. I remember being so terrified of gaining all of it back. You can fight this but it has to come from you. Try to atleast take your vitamins, you'll get muscle cramps and purple nails if you dont. Praying for you :)

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I don't love my family anymore, and I feel like complete shit because of this. My sister's a supercunt bitch shithead that sucks the fun and warmth from my existence and my mother just keeps repeating the same fucking sentences each and every fucking day, I can't remember the last time I had a colloquial conversation with her. My father is the only person I've ever whole heatedly respect but I'm starting to drift away from him because of school. I just want things to go back to the way it was.

I want my ex back more than anything in the world, i love her than myself.

Usually when I get lonely I just have to deal with it for a day or two and i'm good to go, but this time it's in me like a fucking cocaine addiction, and everytime I see a pretty girl my chest painfully tightens from the restraint I have to hold for myself. I wish this crap would just go away already.

Wonder how simple things would have been up to now if I had just been straight, and/or interested in casual sex.

>>17002121
Change will only happen when somebody decided that it will happen - and no one can decide but you. Only you're the one who can help yourself.

>>17002134
I'm not sure what you mean, I don't want to be in a relationship, but my body feels it's screaming at me to find someone sometimes and I'd like it to stop.

>>17002134
What if there's a change you want, but you know it's impossible to get the result you want? Is the reality that you can't have the result you want and have to settle for something else as an end result reason to feel sad? Are we just meant to accept it as "Nothing can be done about that" and move on from it? Some changes require things we can't control. I'd wager in someone's life, they've experienced a similar situation to one someone else is experiencing, but the uncontrollable factor is actually on their side. So one would get the exact result they wanted, but somewhere else the person with a similar situation has to settle for something else because it wasn't in their favour.

Just late night musings.

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I'm friends with someone one the women's team for a sport at my uni, met a girl also on the team through her, thought she was super cute. Topic somehow ended up on swimming (I'm the only person in my family that can't swim to save my life), so I asked her if she'd be willing to teach me. She says sure, and I get her number.

A few days pass and I find out she has a boyfriend so I get uncomfortable about it and don't bother ever asking about it swimming. After that I talked to her maybe once a week, occasionally eating lunch with her and her teammates. Fast-forward to now, I've moved 45 minutes away from campus for work and I'm only there twice a week for class. I'm now almost regularly eating lunch with them because time permits it and I'd rather get to know more girls. I graduate from uni in 4 weeks so it doesn't even matter anymore

I dunno why, guess due to being around her more, but now I'm wondering if I made a good decision or not bailing on the swimming thing. Thinking about it, it would have been a ticking timebomb until she found out that I liked her(but maybe that's obvious as hell, she knows she's pretty). But on the other hand, I would've actually liked to learn how to swim.

Maybe I'm just overreacting because this was like the 5th girl in a row that I've attempted to ask out that ended up having a bf and some of my friends started teased me, calling me "Homewrecker," after the 3rd girl.

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>>16999243
tell him or leave him

>>16999248
you dont deserve to be his friend

>>16999548
Breh I know how you feel really, summer is on its way though hang in there

>>16999694
Tell this to them

>>17000520
elaborate?

>>17001180
find a hobby and if that doesnt work talk to a shrink they can help sometimes

There's nothing that drives me up the fucking wall more than trying to have a conversation with the fucking shiteating cuntbag motherfucker who's supposed to be my fucking best friend message me back in 20, 30, 40, 50 minute intervals. You always do this fucking shit every other god damn day and it really makes me want to break your fucking fingers with a carpenter's hammer. All I ask of you is to hear me out once in a blue fucking moon because I have no one else to talk to that I trust, and with all that already pent up fury, you take your sweet, god damn fucking time into replying in a way where the conversation resets every god damn time your lazy, autistic ass decide to fucking reply.

Holy shit, I want to fucking choke you until you're purple and you fucking pass out, you fucking inconsiderate cunt, fuck you.

whenever girls tell me they have a boyfriend it doesn't affect my behavior in the slightest. i assume that their boyfriend is some chucklefuck who lucked their way into dating her, that i am probably more interesting, and that i should continue forward as planned.

if i find out the boyfriend is in fact a legit, successful dude then i back off and don't feel mad at all. my biggest crush of the year turned out to be several months into a relationship with a hedge fund manager who volunteers at hospitals and played college ball. not even mad, i thought "well-played" and moved onto other girls immediately.

>>17002357
i can see why you don't have any other people to talk to, spergy

lmfao

>>17002357

Adding to this post:

Why the fuck are you offended, you bitch-ass faggot? I laughed at your friend's shitty fucking drawing, so what? He's a 18-year-old grown ass man drawing like an edgy 14 year old and he's "supposedly" been drawing for a few years, and you expect me not to fucking laugh? Fuck you. Hell, since you've been playing Dark Souls so much lately, why don't you tell him to "git gud, scrub"? Sometimes it takes some shaming to get good at something.

On another thing, why the fuck did you call my mother today, dad? I thought you said that you were dead to me, remember? Are you too much of a chickenshit pussy to call me directly, motherfucker? Fuck you, you backstabbing prick. What, now that your friend told you that I've enlisted, you're fucking mad or maybe even scared now? Now that you're out of the picture, I'm joining the military whenever you like it or not. You have nothing on me anymore and you can shove the PS4 up your ass if you even think about using that as a bargaining chip.

>>17002381

I said "no one else to talk to that I trust", I can't exactly talk about personal problems with people I only occasionally hang out with, numb nuts.

Hey mom, fuck you. Fuck you for never standing up for me and letting that so called husband of yours bully me for years. Extra fuck you for letting him kick me out. Fuck you for drinking away your life and not caring about mine at all. Fuck you for scaring away all of your children then realizing how alone you are. Fuck you for not letting me have a life. Fuck you for not letting me take my cat. Fuck you and I hope the next time I see your name its an obituary title.

>>17002461

I feel for you, m8. I'm sorry to hear that.

>>17000313

Cut ties with her, she's a fucking parasitic leech, holy shit.

I miss my dog. I believe I could have saved him if I had known what was going on sooner.

>>17002424
>I said "no one else to talk to that I trust"
also blatantly obvious why that's the case

you reaaally need to calm down. and realize your friend isn't as obligated to talk to you as you seem to think.

you sound incredibly entitled, and i'm someone who usually groans at any utterance of that word.

>>17002488

>I believe I could have saved him if I had known what was going on sooner.

Death is inevitable, it's something you or any other being can't possibly avoid. I'm sure your dog had a happy life with you and is in a better place right now.

>>17002499

Nah, I'm just extremely pissed off tonight. I would normally get it if he's busy, wasn't in the mood to talk or just about any reason he came up with honestly, but as long as he'd let me know that he wants to drop out of a conversation.

But if he takes an hour to respond, when I get the notification, I have to stop doing what I'm fucking doing (be it sleeping, studying, etc) and carry on the conversation, only to have him doing the same shit again and I'm stupid enough to keep waiting for a conclusion to these cliffhangers.

>you sound incredibly entitled

I think it's fair to be frustrated at texting sloths. But hey, what do I know, I'm just a fucking sperg.

I wanted to cry today. Life is 80% good but, sometimes the 20% of things that are going bad get me so low.

I wish this website didn't data mine because I would say some real shit.

>>17002607

I know that feel bro.

Facebook has been deactivated. New e-mail has been created. Phone number soon to be changed. Now I need to find out if I got the job or not so I can know whether I'm moving upstate or across the country.
Freedom.

>>17002647

Story?

>>17002671
Just need a clean start. I don't hate anyone or anything. There are several shady characters I'd like to get away from though. I'm growing up, moving on, and moving out. This town is the past and I can't keep living in it

>>17002647
I feel ya. I'm thinking about doing it myself. The only people I'd want to keep in contact with are a handful of family members. Even then that's more for their benefit than mine.

>>17002680

Nice. I wish you the best of luck then.

I'm an 18 year old who is a massive kissless virgin. I think I'm pretty attractive and not terrible with social interaction but not great. I feel like there will always be a wall between me and sex and relationships. I can't even imagine what a normal relationship looks like, or what to do if I got one without being a total autistic fuck 5 seconds in. I don't know how people start this shit and I feel like I'll coast through life, getting by on surface level conversations and bullshit without ever making even a remote connection with anyone of the other sex.

>>17002694
Truth
>>17002699
Thank you anon <3 Same goes for you

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I found out 3 months after my ex had dumped me that she had cucked me while we were still together and then left me so she could be with someone else, I suspected it a while ago but she denied it multiple times. She doesn't know that I know, but I really want to confront her about it again now that I know it for certain but I don't have what it takes.

I'm a literal cuck, I want to die.

>>17002700

In this same position. Does anyone have advice?

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i need to know if self harm is enough to get you institutionalized (usa)
what about self harm that hasn't happened for weeks.
sometimes i get so disappointed with myself that i punch myself in the face

>>17002110
Initials?

>Have job i love going to every day
>Part time study which i enjoy
>Large group of friends i see often
>Never really had a problem with girls, seeing girls on and off nothing serious.
>$5000+ in the bank

>Go to bed every night hoping i don't wake up or for some sort of accident to end it all, been this way for about 8 years

>>17002840
that, my friend, is classic depression
doctors are your friend, anon

'I never saw her again.' That's what I think when I'm in bed, which is where I am now and I'm currently posting from my phone. I met a girl, as the saying goes, and fell madly in love with her. She did not feel the same way. We have not spoken in two years or so. I know I'm a non entity to her. That she feels this way is proof it was never meant to be as love is a two-way street. I moved away from my hometown in which she resides about 1,200 miles away.

I have since met new women, bedding some, dating others, and befriending the good ones, but her memory persists. Due to familial obligations I must move again--about another 1,200 miles. The problem is this. I really can't remember what I want anymore. The things I've really wanted have always evaded me. This frustrates me. I used to feel cheated but now I just feel confused. What should I want? What should I desire? I feel like I've lost myself along the way. What should I do?

Pls respond

>>17001577
You're fucking annoying

first off, the kid replying to you guys pretending to be me who posted the original post, isnt me.. really creepy dude. get a grip.
>>16999417
w
>>16999593
uh-huh, well clearly you aint the person im talking about.
>>16999829
I didn't. I did everything to fix it and this person knows it. Reached out so many times.
>>17000720
No.

I'm so angry and bitter all the time. I cut out my friends from my life. They call me years later saying they love me but I don't answer or respond. I don't talk to parents and I feel they think I hate them. I just can't deal with people anymore, I keep flipping out on them. I can't do anything right. I'm a useless adult. I hate myself and have for almost all my life. I'm a monster.

I just needed to vent.

>>16999796
Im happy you're still alive anon

>>16999097
Oh 4chan Mods, please prevent cancerous non-original posts such as OP's.

I hope I don't mess up seeing you tomorrow at work, and more importantly I hope I'm not misinterpreting your smiles and hellos either.

Man that'd be awkward, but not as awkward as that note I left you. Better to try than to wallow in the shadows.

And C seems nice too but she certainly isnt you. Though I know almost nothing important about you. I'm totes never forgetting when you were introduced to me.

>>17002989
Are you me? Wtf

I'm at the point in highschool where if I fail a single class I wont graduate and my gf of three years has been trying her hardest to try and stop me from skipping but I still do and lie to her about it and she said if I get withheld from grad events eg prom then its over.. But I love this girl but at the same time I feel like over the course of these three years I've grown too attached part of me wants to just cut her out and start having a real highschool experience because rn I have no friends I just work my job chill with my girl and play fucking video games and as much as it is alright I feel like I might find happiness without her doing other shit because honestly lately I cry so much over my past and the present and I just want to be happy and don't know why I'm not what the fuck Is wrong with me

for the past two years i've been so angry and upset with myself that I can't even look myself in the mirror, as much as i want it to be angst it's just not... I fucking hate who i am, everything about me and I'll do almost anything to change myself for the better...

Fuck me and everything about me

21 and tfw never held hands, never kissed. Drugs and my hand are all the love I can get.

I am not interested in you
I just thought you were cute for a couple days
I am over it now

>>16999702
Initials?

>>17003266
Why..? I had high hopes on you

>>17002852

>is classic depression

No, not necessarily. He still has things that he genuinely seems to enjoy, like going to work and part time studying.

Don't be the retard that gets people institutionalized for bullshit.

Last week everything was going great.
This week it seems like the universe just wants to take a huge shit on my head.

>>17003416
I know that feel anon

I hate who I've become. I detest the person I've turned into. I'm fucking mad about it. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm disappointed. I'm upset. I'm hurt beyond belief and I fucking resent and loathe the person he made me. I despise the person he's made me become. I hate what he's done to me.

>>17003100
Hey anon give me an email address and I'll happily tutor you or even do your homework. I've got an IQ of 131 and extreme social anxiety so I have a lot of spare time on my hands and I'm curious as to how the US education system works to the extent I've always liked the idea of helping some kid who's flunking out.

Just fucking kill me

>>17002723
I have an ex like this that's convinced that I cheated on him when I decided to end our relationship because I met with my other ex (who's more of a friend and married) and it made me think my current relationship was garbage. I didn't sleep with my friend-ex or have any interest in being with him but because you can't prove you didn't do something Im the bad guy. My ex still sends emails time to time trying to ask about my friend-ex and if I was sleeping with him.
Just let it go dude, stop causing yourself heartache over something that can never be changed

>>17002374
As a girl I don't think this attitude is too deplorable. If I met a guy who was with a crazy bitch I'd happily take him off her hands but I wouldn't endorse cheating.
Watching good people go to waste with losers is so bad for the future of the human race desu

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Hopefully this makes me feel better.

>meet someone on a thread
>exchange details
>we click really well together
>she's a bit younger than me but I'm not concerned about a few years age difference
>reckon I'm falling for her, fuck
>think she's into me as well, the signs were there
>want to confess it until after her birthday
>she pressures me into spilling the beans like a complete autist
>well fug
>tells me she's not interested and uncomfortable with it
>only find out now she's younger than I thought she was
>I'm a little heartbroken and shattered but glad I got this shit out of the way sooner rather than later
>want to remain good friends with her of course
>despite my failure, have a burning desire to meet new girls to get some of that fun flirty spark to my life again
>things settle now, I'm trying my best to get myself out there
>wake up a day later
>my friend's sent messages to me saying she's uncomfortable now with our friendship because of our age difference
>she's offline on steam and removed my contact details on Skype
>kinda hurt and angry at this
>respond to her messages anyway
>just sitting here hoping she reads them and responds, since it seems like a shitty way to end a friendship
>this incident's just completely sputtered out the burning desire I had to meet new girls

Feeling really fucking lost and confused right now.

>>17003515
you met with your "friend ex" while you were dating your bf, then YOU made him an ex when he got mad?

please telll me this is bait.? your man didnt like the feeling of being cucked no wonder he threw a shit fit. if you have no interest in being with him what are you doing hitting him up? if you wanted to see him so much why'd you split? it makes no sense.

me and my gf know damn sure to stay as far away as possible from our exes because its going to be drama if we find out we met with either of them. Regardless of who's married or not (like that changes anything..) or who's got good intentions. You just don't do that.

It is my birthday, and all I have to say is...

Fuck all of you.

I am just sick of being anxious and depressed all the time. Last night I had to do a mock interview with three other girls and our professor. There were four interview questions, and we even had a half hour beforehand to mentally prepare our answers. I wrote an entire story and script for each question and rehearsed the stories over and over in my head while they all chatted and laughed about their dogs. When push came to shove I freaked the fuck out. I didn't have a good answer for the first question and just told the prof to give me a 0 on it, but I answered the final three ok? Interviewing the girl across from me was so horrible because I couldn't hear what she was saying/look her in the eyes/think of good feedback all at the same time without imploding. By the time it got to me it was all I could do to hold back my tears and my nose was running really bad and I had no tissues.

Yet, they tell me I did SUCH A GREAT JOB WOW I WISH I COULD BE CONFIDENT AND WELL SPOKEN LIKE YOU. When I am 5 minutes from breaking down into a sobbing panic attack. I can keep the mask on good enough but once I crack I CRACK and people are shocked I was anxious the entire time. I am autistic and take everything literally so I really have no idea if they were being honest or humoring me but they said the same thing when I had to do "tell me about yourself" in front of the class.

This post is too long and no one will probably read it but I'm just tired of feeling like a failure. I am always a ball of anxiety hanging by a thread. I rip out my eyebrows and hair and chew my cheeks raw from anxiety and cry almost every night and think of suicide daily and I know that I need therapy or medication but balancing work/school/relationship/dogs/house is so, so, so much for me when others my age have 3x the workload and are perfectly happy. I am going to hang myself soon if I don't get help. I need help so badly but I don't know who to see or what to say

>>17003500
Why?

>>17003630
Happy birthday :(

>>17003643
I feel like I've vented a tale about this wordily too much in the past over the months it's applied, so I'm going to do a shitty greentext summary.
>Had a relationship, was madly in love with him
>I ended it thinking he'd be better off with someone who could be useful to him
>My feelings never went away, from the moment I ended it to now I've spent time trying to seem neutral or indifferent if he'd see me but filled with increasing self hatred
>Told myself in January he'd moved on
>We spoke in February, he said something like "in the future when you're with someone please tell them exactly how you feel"
>He wasn't wrong to say this, nothing he said or did was wrong. I responded with something similar to "I won't be looking for anyone in the future so don't worry" without actually saying what I wanted to say at that time
>Someone else openly showed how they feel about him a little after this conversation, they got closer and that person made no attempts to hide how they felt
>April has come, my feelings still haven't dimmed yet I'm simply at the point of having to accept I messed up and left it too long

The end result is simply me being a moron, a moron who can't fault anyone else for the situation. If someone asks "Why are you sad?" I can only answer by blaming myself. I've been trying to keep busy recently by doing all the errands locally that other people hate doing, anything really gross just to use my self hatred productively. I'm out of errands and have been for so long that all I've been able to do is sit here hating myself more and more and hoping he's doing well.

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Dear J,

I know we've had this conversation time and time again, but I can't get over you. I really love you and there's nothing I can do about it at this point. You made me who I am, your opinions and company shaped everything that I am. Now that you're gone and swear we'll never date, I'm empty. Life is hard. School is hard. Everything is awful. I've been going to therapy because I haven't been able to motivate myself to do anything. I haven't told you about it though. I'm too scared that you're going to feel worse than you already do about breaking my heart as badly as you did. I miss you. I miss you a lot.

I'm sorry that I fell harder than we were planning. I'm sorry that being with you was the most amazing time I've ever felt. I knew you weren't pursuing anything and just wanted a vacation, but I fell in love and I don't know what to do about it.

People tell me to stop talking to you but I can't do it. I have no control over the fact that I need you in my life. You're a part of me and it's become the most agonizing, awful, and amazing thing.

You're perfect. Your music taste is amazing. You're hilarious. You have phenomenal taste in restaurants. You're just the best thing that's ever graced the Earth. You'll be happy. I'll do anything to make sure you're happy for the rest of your life.

Yandere af.

I love you.

M

Dear D,

It has been a very very long time since we know each other. And I have always thought about you so much. For many nights I would go to bed, thinking of being with you in bed. I wake up in the morning and imagine us together. How much I wanna make love to you, and see the world with you. And spend my life with you. It's insane

But I know we are of different worlds, different race, different continents, and the things you love and the people you want and very different from who I am. I cannot be someone else; I am who I am.

And I know for a fact that if I confess to you, it will all be awkward, especially that we work together. And I know I will see you tomorrow and talk as though we are 'friends'. But honestly I am tired of being so fucking Beta. I am tired of being in the 'friend' zone. Especially with you.

I have to let you go. I know it will never work out. Hell I know you don't look at me as 'lover' material, just friend material.

But I had to let it out. I am just so damn tired. I love you, and always will.

M

I keep having dreams about you.
I just wish I could forget about you.
On the 29th it'll be a year since we talked last..

I always remember our friendship as this great thing, but was it?
There was points. I don't know. You meant a lot to me, still do, end of story.
Miss you, homie.

I know it was you who stole thousands of dollars worth of personal property from me.

If I ever find the ramshackle shithole you slithered under, I'll filet your palms with your driver's license.

By that token, I know your dad had something to do with it. Nobody else knows where those things were and they'd have had no value to anyone else.

I'll beat him so fucking hard that it'll make wet brain look like honor roll material.

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What do you want from me? What do you want me to be to you? If you could just tell me you'd save us both a lot of time. Instead, I lose sleep over what could possibly be the end, while you sleep undisturbed because you know that you could have me back at any moment. You're stressed out, depressed and dealing with your own issues? Don't just leave after telling me nothing is wrong and then suddenly burn out when I question your feelings, naming this the straw that broke the camel's back. You do not have to maintain our relationship with your presence, just don't lie about how you're feeling. I've always been there to support you. If you need time to figure things out on your own, feel free to do so. Take as much time as you need, I'll be right here when you get back. Then you say it's the feeling of always wanting to be around me, and your resentment towards me after I am gone that makes you feel as though you can't handle a relationship. But your actions speak so loud, I cannot hear what you are saying. You distanced yourself from me, a mile every day. And by the time you were half way across the world, you finally confessed that "things aren't what they used to be". When you rode around with her in the front seat of your car, did you think of me? When you and her sat on her couch and watched a movie, did it remind you of the first time our hands touched? I remember, a long time ago, staying up with you when you had drank yourself sick because she told you that she didn't love you back. Do you remember how awful you felt? Now ask me again why I can't just be friends with you.
I'm not even angry, I'm not woefully heartbroken or depressed. I'm terribly confused. I don't know what you're really feeling. I don't know how I feel about this anymore. But hey, you want to know something tragically ironic? You know the concert you first asked me to go to, the one we started our relationship off of? You left me the day they played.

I REALLY WANT A PS4 TO PLAY BLOODBORNE GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!


Also I'm sorry that I said shit right infront of you,but that's because I'm not honest to myself and I don't want to tell you that I'm interested in you in front of our classmates like that,you're more special than that.
Fuck you Yoga for asking that sack of shit question that makes my life soooo much fucking better,I thank you,you piece of shit.

A few weeks ago i spent all my money on Disney merchandising,messaged tons of people i havent talked in years and signed up to be a police officer.1 week later they called me to start with the process of interviews and i even bought a new suit for it.
Yesterday i realized it would be a fucking shitty idea to drop out from my3rd year of college college to become a cop and spent 2 hours crying.and its not the first time i do shit like this.
Also its weird because between september/2015 and december i was very depressed.cant think of why i got all happy and positive since late february til now,
i feel like i might have a problem but not sure what.

>>17002172
>>>16999694 (You)
>Tell this to them

Hahaha. No.
If I'm wrong then I look stupid and make things weird (weirder) between us.
If I'm right then the best I can hope for is a fight.

There's no good outcome if I open my mouth. Instead I'll play "wait and see" whilst stressing out and posting in this thread. Yeah. That sounds sensible.

>>16999097
The only reason i married you instead of being with the girl I'm in love with is because of our daughter

I'm just so fucking pissed at myself. So much potential so many advantages and I PISSED THEM ALL AWAY for what? Because I was fucking depressed? Who cares? I don't live in no fucking third world country, I had everything GIVEN to me but you know what the problem is? I DIDNT APPRECIATE IT AND I FUCKING BLEW IT AND NOW IM ALMOST 30 AND I HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT. NOTHING! I am going to be working a minimum wage job for the rest of my life because I HAVE NO FUCKING DRIVE I HAVE NO MOTIVATION AND IM TOO FUCKING SCARED TO FAIL TO EVEN STEP OUT AND TRY!!! IM SO FUCKING PISSED!!!! My fucking mother beat me down so hard so I guess I could blame her but Ive read enough psychology to know that YOU MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS YOU CAN CHANGE BUT I DONT KNOW HOW and so here I am bitching about my pathetic fucking like on fucking 4chan. I was going places you guys. I wasn't even going to come back here. FUCK

Wish I wasn't a massive asshole all the fucking time. It's not like I even try to be. It's just my natural honesty and lack of fucks to give about feelings. That being said life's pretty good at the moment and I haven't fucked up too recently but damn i need to fucking learn from my mistakes faster

Adrenals are doing something stupid and i've been in a sort of purely physical quasi panic attack (no psychological component, mind is thinking "what the fuck, body? stop") for the past 24 hours or so. Ridiculous sweating, fast/irregular pulse, hypervent, tremor, fasciculations, etc. The works.

Can't take any sedatives because i have paradoxical reactions to all those I've tried, so figured might as well try taking an extra dose of one of the stimulants i take for narcolepsy, short-acting amphetamine. This would probably be considered malpractice or insanity in the clinic, but it actually helped for the peak action (~3h). Pulse slower and smoother, tremors/fasc stopped, temp setpoint went up, etc.

Really damn curious about the pharmacology here (med student) but (needless to say) this isn't a textbook effect, and i don't have anyone to ask/discuss it with. /sci/ is usually crap for anything biological. Getting intellectually blue-balled here.

>>17002733
>i need to know if self harm is enough to get you institutionalized (usa)
>what about self harm that hasn't happened for weeks.
>sometimes i get so disappointed with myself that i punch myself in the face
Anon, have you ever heard of "deinstitutionalization"? It's a big word but come on it's been decades since you could get involuntarily committed over minor or random shit.

Why do i still wake up?

>>17000313
ditto this >>17002477
She's not in the right

i finally got on tumblr and got a lot of followers

thought i'd hit the motherload of cool geeky chicks to maybe try my hand at.

turns out 97/97 of them have boyfriends.

>>17004277
who would suck all those dicks if you didnt?

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Dude, I know I probably mean nothing to you now, but I still think about our relationship every day.
It baffles me how close we were, closer than any other person in the world, and still how huge was the gap between us.
Sometimes I blame myself for it, sometimes I blame you.
I know I've been a depressed, awkward and bitter teen, but so were you? I thought so, at least. I understand, why you left me for that guy, but it still hurts every day, that some of my silent predictions were right. What's the point of opening yourself entirely to another person, if the relationship will fade out and mean nothing for that person?
The relationship was probably unhealthy, and we both were in the wrong.
And I don't even love you anymore.
But I haven't been attracted to another person since you left me.
All this reasoning is beaten by a simple fact that you were the closes person to me, and know you're gone, and realisation, how hard it is to find somebody you can love.
I still wished you happy birthday, and you didn't.
And that hurts too.

>>17001162
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I understand you not wanting to talk about it. I was raped too, and for a long time I didn't say anything. I felt like it was my fault because I slept over with some friends. I finally explained what happened when I broke down crying when my bfs friend wanted to stay the night. He was really understanding. It's so fucked up the way people think about rape. But just know, that it is not your fault. She is responsible for her actions. She should have been respectful of you. I hope you end up getting the courage to talk about it.

>>17003382
>institutionalized for bullshit.
going to a doctor isn't going to get you in trouble you stupid fuck. See a doctor or therapist to be diagnosed with depression and see if medication helps. The ONLY WAY you will get sent to a crazy house is if you tell them you plan on killing yourself that day or have a plan by a certain time period that you can actually pull off. Saying "I kinda hope I get killed randomly" is not the same as "I am going to kill myself with a shotgun"

even if you are diagnosed by a professional for depression you are still legally sane and won't show up on any sort of records or background checks. If you are sent to the bin that's a different story and it's not going to happen saying you go to sleep and wish you wouldn't wake up.

christ people here are fucking idiots. There needs to be a thread on here that just says DO NOT TAKE ANYONE'S ADVICE ON /ADV/

>>17003515
you don't fucking meet up with people you have fucked in the past especially when it's just a one on one scenario. If you bump into them sure whatever but actively talking to them and seeing them is fucking retarded.

I feel like I've aged seven years in the past two years. Luckily, I only look like I've aged three.

>>17004573
This was years ago when I was a teen, I agree it's a horrid idea to keep in touch with ex's.

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>>16999097
>tfw you realize this board is just failed females giving bad advice to failed males looking for girlfriends

>>17004574
I'm emotionally stunted so I'm exactly the opposite. I feel like I've aged 2 years in the past 7. Just kidding, I haven't emotionally aged at al in the last 7 years.

I landed a job I'm unqualified for and turned it down because I thought I would have fucked it up. I will probably regret this.

>>17004585
I had a gf that did this recently. she was like "Hey, I'm going to meet up with a guy tomorrow" and I asked her who it was and she finally told me it was her ex (long distance at the time, but just for a couple months till we were back together)

She told me she didn't want to say it was an ex because it would make me angry. It's like, of course it's going to make me angry. Tell him you aren't going to make it what is wrong with you. She kept saying that "oh I don't want to be mean or anything and hurt his feelings." It took a while but after she finally could see that mayyybeeee my feelings where a bit more important than an ex's and how she would react if I went to meet up with an ex she didn't go.

I don't understand how some people can be that naive. It's not that I don't trust her but I don't trust someone that obviously still wants to be with her. He's just going to say shit to be manipulative and a cunt. If people in relationships used the simple rule of "How would I feel about my actions if I were in my partners shoes?" a lot of shit would be solved so easily.

>>17003587
I was in high school, small classes of 20 people so it was pretty much impossible to not be friends with everyone in your year.
I also dumped that guy because he was hooked on video games and would do nothing but play dota- it wasn't a long relationship either just a month.

>>17003040
Initials?

>>17004613
Woah...my gf did the same. same story with her, same excuse and same situation with being back in LDR a few months. Seriously who does that? Your GF sounds just as much as a whore as mine whatever you say about how you trust her. She's either thick as shit or just wants the D from her ex again and you play it off as naivete.

>>17005145
I've given up on even trying to think a girl won't cheat. Literally every female I have known personally in my life has cheated on their guy. Every. Single. One.

Women are constantly waiting for something better to come along. And they almost ALWAYS have a fall back plan. A lot of times they don't even try to hide it. I know I am one hell of a catch and probably the best man they will ever meet in their life but I just have one critical flaw that ruins fucking everything for me. I'm incredibly smart, funny, cute, and extremely talented and hard working in my field.

I have soul crushing clinical depression and have had it my entire life so it's never going to go away. I can function for awhile and just deal with it best I can but it always comes back and hits me hard. Ruins my personal life and professional life. I fucking hate being broken as fuck.

It ends up taking it's toll on the people I'm with. It's a heavy burden to share and I try my best but it's never enough. Even after we break up, they all, literally every single one of them, still messages me saying they love me and miss me.

It's easy to cheat on your partner when they are depressed and you're just looking for something fun. They have a weak moment to ruin what they had and they all regretted it. I can't really blame them too much though. Depression fucking sucks and I wouldn't want to be with me at my worst either.

I don't think It's shallow to worry about what the AD could potentially do to your Libido. I have my concerns about that. But what really concerns me are the posts I've read that it could affect your feelings for me. I'm really anxious you will change once you start taking them.

I posted a few days ago about this, no real updates though:

New girl has joined a group of my friends. For some reason or another, she has made it a point to more or less bully me full time, whether in private or in front of everyone.

At first I thought it was w/e and didn't pay it any mind, now she's becoming more and more verbally malicious towards me. I can take jokes and I can handle the banter, but she takes it way too far and only focuses on me.

I've tried several methods, and even privately pulled her away and told her to cut it out, only for her to apologize and continue shortly after

The only response I got was to 'kiss her you faggot', except that she always talks about having a crush on a friend of mine.

I seriously have no clue how to resolve this and I want to take care of this before I become the target for everyone in my group all the time. For reference I'm a dude.

Your boyfriend is a literal cuck and I think even you know that you and I would be much better off together but you've been with him for so long you don't wanna break up. Fucking bitch. I love you.

>>17005215
Playfully Tell her to stop trying to flirt with you and ask her why she talks about you so much.
As a girl I can confirm that this would embarrass the shit out of me in high school. Don't be deterred if she doesn't fall for it the first time

>>16999097
FUCK YOU BITCH I LOVED YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

>>16999796
If at first you dont succeed....

>>17004354
I am reserve in case you ever bite the dust so still you.

>>16999097
I CHEATED LONG AGO, YOU FOUND OUT, I DONT KNOW HOW TO PROGRESS PAST THIS.

>>17005211
That's not how AD work. They can really fuck up your libido though. If it's a guy, even though he still finds you attractive, he's going to want less sex. When you do have sex he's going to have a hard time getting hard and when he does hes going to have a hard time cumming so sex will take longer.

It's not going to change his personality or things things he likes. Just have less of a sex drive.

Flip the genders if that's the case.

I can say this because I have been taking AD for a long ass time.

I wonder how many dreams I don't remember that revolve around you, I wonder how much of a grip you have on my subconscious after all these years. I remembered all my dreams two nights ago and you were in all of them. every single one. very confusing way to wake up, I dunno what this is.

idk what you did to me but I don't think I'm ever getting rid of this... it's not even really like a feeling, it's like a place that has a feeling attached to it. but it's a bit like an electrical circuit, and that place is empty cause you're supposed to be there, and since you're not that "circuit" isn't closed and the feeling isn't active. but that spot is there and idk. I'd like to be able to describe it completely but it's weird. anyways, pushing this weird mushy shit aside...

completely unrelated but what I originally came here for; I've worked 80+ hours every week for the last 2 months and yet oddly I'm the happiest I've ever been. its gonna be worth it.

>>17001452
At least you have freedom

>>17005471
You probably never will. Unless you swallow your pride and do everything you can to make up for it.

I think I fucked up by believing I could get over my anxiety and depression naturally and with behavioral methods.

If I had just gotten medication a few years back id probably be much better off now.

>>17005704
well you can get medication now. I put off getting medication for a long time. I didn't like the side effects but now that I've treated my depression with pills its relieved at least that burden off my shoulders although I still have to worry about weight gain.

I think I naturally endear myself to my professors because I'm an ugly, friendless loser and I work hard in my classes. I went to talk to my Constitutional Law professor the other day and we ended up talking about various facets of the class and it was just amazing. Just knowing that I had his approval and that he acknowledged my effort was absolutely amazing. There really is no better feeling in the world than getting the approval of authority figures. It's absolutely amazing.

Speaking of which, I think it's kind of pathetic for a guy to write shipping fanfiction, but it's absolutely spectacular when people favorite/give positive reviews to my story. It is also absolutely amazing.

I wrote an eleven thousand word essay about my favorite movie of all time. I'm proud of myself for writing and I think it's overall okay, but I'm kind of upset because I realized I don't have anyone to really share it with.

For the past 2 years I've gone to the movies almost every Friday/Saturday to convince my mother that I have friends because it makes her happy and making friends in college is hard. Problem is I have no idea what's going to happen if/when she finds out I've been lying to her. She burst into tears when she saw my high school year book had only 6 or 7 signatures.

>>16999097
I got drunk over the weekend at my buddies bachelor party in Vegas. I ended up at a strip club with him and was too drunk to realize how badly I was getting fleeced. I spent almost $2000 on a shitty lap dance, some shit alcohol, and a dumb girl who was bad at pretending she was interested in me. At least she had the courtesy to jerk me off after all that money but fuck... I feel like shit. That was so much money. I'm never ever going to a strip club drunk ever again. It actually makes me sick to my stomach thinking about how fucking dumb I am. I hate myself and I hate my life.

Help me fuck my boss adv

>>16999403
Are you A.A.?

I walked out on my job today.

Pretty much all the managers were in a meeting so I had no one to tell.
So I just got some office-jockey to tell them I've gone home because I'm too stressed.

Got home, had a panic attack, shit, even cried.

I'm being set up to fail. Constantly forced to work in the worst areas with unrealistic rates (despite having told my DM that I struggle there... actually got put there more since), unlike everyone else I get next to no rotation, this has caused my performance to drop which means the managers are watching me like hawks. I'm on a final warning because I was allegedly back from a break 2 minutes late (which is inaccurate. The track us electronically, and I could have easily been held up by others operating machinery). Anyway, I decided not to have the 10 minute smoke break today, but then my machinery broke down... my managers would just assume that I was having a long break again. I just snapped and left.

My brother, who works for the same company, went and spoke to some of them after I came home from my panic attack...

Apparently, I'm in the shit and they don't give a fuck because my attitude has been bad lately.
Here's the thing, I've tried to talk to the managers about it. My DM is good, but she's been on some sort of career break and her replacement is out to get me.
He'll call me into the office to challenge my performance 10 minutes before I'm either due for my break or before the shift ends, deliberately rushing me and getitng me when I'll be most tired in order to deter me from having union representation.

I tried to take it higher... my complaint was shrugged off and I was told "Just get a union rep anyway". That isn't the issue - this sly fuck is going out of his way to discourage that.

So, they've ignored complaints, noticed my attitude towards work has gotten worse (but not one manager there has made any effort to find out why or even listen to me) and I've kept logs to prove I'm not receiving fair rotation.

1/2

>>17005813

2/2

I can fight this.

Easily.

They don't have a leg to stand on.
I'll even get some of the older guys to keep tabs on their rotation, make this an age discrimination issue.

I'll bring up that our law deal (a perk of the job was cheap legal cover) mysteriously vanished when they needed to "reduce headcount". How suspicious, now that they are attempting mass constructive dismissal.

I could fight this. I could show that DMs are doing everything in their power to prevent colleagues having union representation - cause all investigations and tribunals to be re-examined. Potentially cost the company a fuck-tonne.

As happy as it would be to see this company go down and heads to roll, I don't think I can fight it anymore.
I don't want to go back, or argue.

I want to quit and do something new.
But I can't do anything else and the money is good. I've got bills.

I don't want corporate bullshit and politics and corruption.
I don't want to be fighting unrealistic expectations and out of touch management.

I want to just leave, end it all - maybe start somewhere new... I don't know.

I don't wanna go back and I don't want another shit-fest job.
I'm fuckin' lost.

I wanted to prove to you that men aren't the same. I wanted to treat you right. I don't understand why you're so cold. Are you an edge Lord? Has watching people die really made your heart cold? Fuck dude, I really wanted to care about you and did, but it's not fair that you wouldn't for me

I just want to sleep forever.

>>17001452
try taking probiotics

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I was fired from my first job out of college for performance issues. Part of me feels like a total failure for not being able to hold a job in the one area I've been studying for since high school.

Then again, it was my first major mistake there, at a company with high turnover, terrible bosses who don't train and blame things on others. The company was god-awful, the pay was shitty, I was overworked and undertrained and I feel they share some of the blame too. But the primary reason they gave was totally my fault. I think it was extreme to fire me for that one mistake, but they said I had performance issues before that (which were totally made up). I'm pretty sure they were looking for a reason to let me go because they were intimidated by me for calling them out when they would make mistakes and try to blame it on me, and for criticizing them for cutting corners and acting unprofessional. They've fired many other good workers there too, and have terrible reviews online from past employees for all those reasons.

I feel stupid for not seeing it coming, and taking the shitty position anyway, knowing it was a bad situation. I thought I could make it work, but I slipped up and got the axe and now I feel like I have to rethink my whole life because I couldn't keep up at my first real job out of college. I'm worried no other companies will take me when they ask why I left my last job and I have to explain that I was fired. They won't understand even if I try to explain it wasn't completely my fault, because I have to honestly say that it at least partially was.

Luckily I saved some of each paycheck the short time I was there, saving for a car, so I have some money to float on, but not for long. Even in college I held part time jobs, I haven't been unemployed in years. I don't know what to do, if I should just look for other types of work or just keep that off my resume and lie to other companies and say I've been on vacation the past few months while working there.

I think I fell in love again
It's been a while
god damn she will not get off my mind
she's welcome to stay

Fuck you Cassy you slut skank. You are sub-human with no sense of empathy. I hope you disappear.

Its scary.
I don't want to apply for my masters because I don't want to get rejected.
And if I get accepted-- I don't want to handle the workload.
I have the application almost complete, two letter of recommendations are waiting to be submitted but I need to write a 500 word essay on my career goals and future objective.

But I have no idea what to write because I'm just scared.
Whats insane is that I'm already in the field I want to be in, just not licensed to do anything.
I am actually really good at my field too, I take care of children with special needs and apply all behavior techniques correctly and am very good at critical situations.
The girl who I'm currently dating is already in her masters and is doing amazing but I see her under so much stress and dealing with the pressure that it turns me off completely because I actually have a good lifestyle right now.

Fuck man.

>Girl I was seeing was brainwashed by a dude
>they started dating
>I was essentially an old action figure collecting dust
>it's been since November of 2011
>I still think about her
>it left some serious damage on me
>I cry once in a blue moon
>I miss her more than words can say
>I want her back in my life
>how can I do so
>she's dating someone from cali now
>she lives in canada

what the fuck, how do I get rid of her from my heart?
or how do I win her back in to my life.
I'd tell greentext the whole story but I'm too tired now.

guys only compliment me or say nice things or tell me how much they like me when they're drunk and it depresses me

I'm bi.

>>17006010
Happy for you. Hope it works out this time, man. Seriously

>>17006112
>what the fuck, how do I get rid of her from my heart?

you want to know how?
>or how do I win her back in to my life.
you never ask that question again.

>>17006303
What do I do anon?
it's ruining me

>met friend online months ago
>he's my only and best friend
>we talk in text every day online, he lives far away
>Feel really close to him, like brothers, someone who I love a lot as a friend
>Just found out that he's actually a girl
>I don't know anything about girls
>Feels different when I talk to him now, like I can't stop seeing her as a girl, something hard for me to relate to and feel close to, first instead my best friend again
>I really want to see her as just my best friend again, which for some reason was easier when I thought she was a boy
>I don't know how to get past this mental block
>The worst part is before she told me, she said she was scared to say because she really didn't want me to think of her differently
>I told her that she can tell me anything because she's my friend and that's what friends are for
>But I didn't think I would have this much trouble with it

I don't know what's wrong with me

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Ever since you all ruined my childhood, I've been a walking corpse. In the past, I'd say that I had so much to live for, but every day I've thrown some piece of my life away. I don't have much left. I've made the worst of an incredibly fortunate situation.

Don't feel sorry for me, this is merely life taking its course. I'm a product of my past and my own weakness. Had I been a greater man I wouldn't feel this way.

I'll see you again sometime, I'm sure. But for now, I don't think I'll be coming back.

>>17006380
Are you talking about 4chan?

primus sucks

>>17006389
I'm not, though I see how one could guess that. My early childhood years were spent being relentlessly tormented by other kids at my school. This continued until my sophomore year of high school.

Like I said, it was my fault, and I know that it was. Thank you for reading

>ex from year and a half ago starts talking to me again
>just getting in touch, no bullshit, friendly conversation, it's nice
>couple of months later, contacts me out of the blue again with the "i made a mistake, could you ever love me again" thing
>me: "woah okay let's talk about this"
>her: "sure, but i'm busy with school right now, we'll talk soon"
>still haven't heard from her nearly 2 months later, even asked her if we could talk a week ago
For what purpose? I mean...why? I'm not an idiot so I can tell that she changed her mind or something along those lines, but I don't get why she wouldn't just say that, hell I've even encouraged her to say it if that's how she feels. Damn, I just do not understand her.

I can't stop thinking about her. I don't wanna stop. I never will.

>>17006400
I'm sorry. I hope things get better

I am in love with someone who doesn't love me back. We've been "together" for 3 years now. He got me pregnant and did everything in his power to get rid of it because "I don't want a baby with some Latina bitch"(said it on my way to the airport after aborting) mainly because he wants to marry a girl of his race. He doesn't respect me all the time but I can't live without him. I am pathetic. I don't think I'm a bad person, yet he makes me feel like I am. I do everything I can to keep him happy even though he just completely kill me on the inside with his actions.

I can't tell my friends or family that I fear for my mental health, and every day it gets worse and worse. I thought I could fix depression, anxiety and OCD on my own if I waited and focused, but it's only gotten worse. I'm ruined and I have no hope of getting any better.

>>17006440
Sound like my brother...it'll get better Anon.

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I used to feel very depressed about the pressure to make a lot of money, own a home, and start a family.

Not anymore. I realize that I don't really want or need any of those things (though more money is always nice, of course).

Lately it all just feels surreal. Like four years ago I'd be losing my mind at the thought of not being able to afford owning a home, but now, I'm glad I won't have to. I don't even feel depressed about it (most of the time). Just strangely at peace. I'm suddenly content and very much at peace with having less. There's something liberating about.

>>17006445
That's good to hear, anon. And good taste.

>>17003127
cut the drugs, you might find someone's hand if you spend more time outside than with a joint in it.

>>17006322
You either rip that part of your heart away and start again or you keep it walled away. Neither one makes you feel happy, but they will help you move on.

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I'm absolute shite in school, almost got expelled for not holding above a 2.0 GPA. I have no drive, don't have a girlfriend, horrible social skills. I'm ugly, slightly overweight and have bad sense of fashion. I don't tell anyone I'm almost failing university because everyone will judge me. Everyone seems to have their shit planned out while I'm just a blind fish swimming with no set direction. I'll be graduating this december with a shit resume that has nothing to show, no volunteer work, no experience, no good grades.

Goddammit you old piece of shit check your email for fucks sake I am going to die

why hasn't she texted me
it's been like 4 days
i hope we have the same week

i hate myself and i want to die
people think I'm joking but behind the laughter is pain, deep down I'm slowly going over my reasons to keep going and praising the almighty that it hasn't reached zero
i hope none of you abandon me like everyone else did
you probably will anyway

i not sure if i know what love is anymore
i love so many people
my friends
my family
my cat (nah, fuck him)
how do i know if i want to date a person
last time it barely worked
i need to take initiative
whatever that means

how weird would it be to people if i shaved my legs?

>>17006440
goddammit anon, go to a doctor.
you don't have to fix them on your own any more than you fix arthritis or lupus that way.

>>17006593
may not matter at all depending on your chosen career path

>>17006452
thanks, friend. i hope this state of mind lasts.

I want to talk to you more but I don't want to deal with the drama from our fucking coworkers who flip the fuck out that I'm talking to a girl rather than my established group of select few people in the store who don't piss me right the fuck off. So this is going to go nowhere. Sorry.

No one will ever love me as much as I love them. I wish I could be on the other side of it...

I now no one is going to read this but I really need to get it off my chest. I'm sick of these fucking threads, I'm suck of the "write a letter for someone who will never read it". Like what the fuck is the point of posting it on 4chan if NO ONE IS GOING TO READ THIS SHIT.

Fuck everything

>>17006641
I'm reading it.
It helps to rant to the open air, yell into the endless abyss just to hear it echo back. It's also nice to realize that I'm not the only person in the world with seemingly unimportant problems that are slowly eating away at myself.

>>17006616
I'm only nineteen and I still live at home, I can't privately see a doctor or go to council on my own

>>17006631
I fucking love you!
Wish granted.

I really want to get my life started again but everytime I think of actually working I instantly think of hanging myself instead. A year and a half ago I lost my job and my ex cheated on me in the same week. I was already depressed before then and that just absolutely destroyed me. For months I just cried and felt like shit and tried to kill myself. I moved back home and met someone new but they lived very far away but we managed to meet a couple times and I really loved her but she started doing the same exact things my ex use to do and started to get mean towards me until I just stopped talking to her after breaking down again. Even while with her for the last 6 months or so I still felt absolutely unwilling to want to work. I am running out of savings and I don't make enough to support myself.

I just can't get the will to want to work. I just don't fucking care about anything anymore. I jdon't care about my health, I don't care about eating, I don't remember the last time I took a shower. It's been months. I just sit here with my trash slowly building around me and I don't fucking care about any of it. That time a year and a half ago has left a hole in my soul thats just not there anymore. I just don't function right no more. I get lonely and think about sex andn finding a girl to be with but the same thing happens... I just think I would rather kill myself than do that again. I want a girl but I know she wouldn't be happy with the way I am now. I'm too broken for another human being to be in my life and I'm too broken to function in society anymore.

I have a rope under my bed with the noose already tied. I've already tested it so it won't break under my weight. I just need to find the courage to last those 30 seconds until I pass out and the 20 minutes till death I won't feel at all.

>>17006694
to add I already take AD and they do nothing for me. I know I shouldn't feel the way I do. I am adored by many many people around the world and they look up to me. some see me as their hero. but I'm incredibly alone and don't care about any of that. lots of people would kill for what i have and I feel guilty for pissing it away and wanting to end my life with that rope.

>>17006669
>I'm only nineteen and I still live at home, I can't privately see a doctor
Why not? Are you in college right now? In any first-world country, every university will have an on-site mental health professional for you (and most include the costs of this in tuition and fees, so all students pay for it even if they don't use it), and you can go see them whenever's good for you.

If you're in high school, things are more complicated, but still quite doable. This should be the easiest method in most cases:
First of all, see if you have a checkup coming up with your family doctor. If not, find some reason to go see them. A sports physical (american high school sports) is often a good excuse, also wart removal, rashes/athlete's foot, etc. When you're there, ask your parents to just stay in the waiting room instead of coming into the exam room with you. Then when the doctor comes in, talk to them about this. Tell them what you're going through. They'll see what they can do to help.

Good luck and stay strong anon.

>>17006694 >>17006706
Anon, what's your excuse for not going to the doctor? You sound like you're well past high school.
Sounds like you've taken SSRIs and they didn't work. That's not a shock, they don't work for many people. There are other classes of antidepressants to try, such as MAOIs and tricyclics, and adjuncts like bupropion.
After that, there's alternate treatments with medications that modulate other neurotransmitter systems (based on the fact that when these are fucked up, the person feels awful, and depression sets in: fixing these systems improves the depression as well). This includes some mood stabilizers, some antipsychotics, some anxiolytics, some neurostimulants, etc.
Beyond that, there's experimental treatments (notably ketamine, which is proving spectacularly effective in treatment-resistant depression) and then the last-line ECT (ElectroConvulsive Therapy).

Man, I dispise how much of an edgelord you are h. Your edgeyness makes me want to barf. Do you want fucking black coffee with your edgeyness and a knife to stir that shit. God it is very very uncomfortable to have you talk to me about your edgey shi and I say stop it. Motherfucker you need to open the curtains and gt some sun and be happy Jesus Christ. Edgeyness does no win a woman's heart

>>17006731
I have already cycled through half a dozen medications that had absolutely no effect. I'm tired of having to slowly reduce my meds while going through withdrawals just to start a new one that owon't have any effect. Some of these ADs have really bad withdrawal symptoms and I hate having to take them just so I won't have to experience that shit again. Doctors just do not try any of the more unique medications. I have tried therapy and that doesn't work. I tried exercising for a long while and even at my fittest my depression still persisted. I live in the states and don't have insurance at the moment so this is all at a huge cost I don't have anymore. I do not quality for assistance or a free clinic.

Girl I'm secretly in love with just went one a huge spiel on how her current boy friend is her soul mate and I want to just fucking shoot up a school.

I wish I wasn't so fucking cynical so I could actually do something with my life and actually be happy for both myself and with her.

I fucked up I fucked up oh god I'm sure she hates me now I want to sink down to the center of the earth and never come out

Wake the fuck up and value your team a bit more, especially your senior admin. Hard work is hardly recognized and when shit gets fucked it's the end of the world. Be a bit more involved and stop cutting an hour in the morning and one in the afternoon. Be there for your team and they might respect your idiotic suggestions and demands a bit more.

K, stop eating all the time then bitch that you are starting to get fat. We all handle stress in different ways and this is the easiest. I know you aren't the smartest or self driven person but I can't take charge of your personal situation. It's up to you.

S, you've been salty about the leadership decisions that I've been making from the moment I took over that office. I sat back for two years watching the organization being badly ran, members dropping or not coming around. When I took that position I worked my ass off to get it up to par. I organize everything because no one else wants to show any leadership or motivation to better our group. I take the lead because no one else will. After what has happened this week, I made the decision after many days of thinking it over to start taking a back seat to these responsibilities that I've put my free time and sweat into. I'm going to coast and do what My position requires of me... Nothing else. I can guarantee that you will soon see the absence of the little things that I took charge of.

I'm sick of living my boyfriend's life. I moved to his state, can only talk to his friends, only go anywhere if he comes too. I'm so sick of this, this isn't the life I wanted. I want to move home but I don't know if I have the courage.

>>17005542
Not them and diff situation, but that's basically what I want my person to do; swallow his fucking pride if he hasn't already, stop being so goddamn stubborn and fucking try to do everything he can to make up for it. I want to KNOW without a doubt in my mind that he's sorry, regrets what he did, is determined to be better, and actually gives a shit about me. I want him to be committed to it, and me, and us. I want him to make me know beyond a reasonable doubt that he loves me. I want him to treat me with the same care, respect, and love that I've spent the last god only knows how many months treating him. Is wanting to be actually loved by someone who you thought really did love you really so much to ask?

All 4chan ever did for me was make me an insecure pretentious faggot only took me the better part of a decade to figure that one out

Fuck man

It hurts, you know. Shame on me for loving you.

>>17007037
>decade

Fuck that's a long time, I've only been here since 2012 but it's already been 4 years. Fuck.

>>17006425
Girl I feel you.

I was in an abusive relationship with a guy I was deeply in love with for around 2 years, and while he never got me pregnant and forced me into an abortion (I'm so sorry that ever happened to you, you deserve way better than that bullshit, he sounds like a very poor, sorry excuse of a human being), he did spend those 2 years treating me like absolute shit while emotionally abusing me and putting me through literal hell. My already shit mental health deteriorated during that time from his abuse, and I even have the hospital records to prove it.

I'll never be the same person I was before all of that, I hate what he put me through, and I hate the person I turned into because of that.

But I'm very slowly working my way through it. I'm working through my mental health issues too.

Funnily enough, I still love the idiot. Maybe I'm too compassionate for my own good, maybe I give out too many second chances, maybe I'm just too hopeful. But after finally facing my fears and confronting him about his abuse, he's started to already change for the better and is starting to treat me better than he has in a long, long time.

If I get my heart broken by him again, for the millionth time, I'll deal with it and I'll get through it like I always do. I know that I'm already more mentally ~calm~, for lack of a better word, than I have been in so long. All I want is to be happy, and if I can be happy with him then I'm okay with that, as long as I get the happiness that I've never had, that I deserve.

I don't know why I decided to share this. I guess you don't really hear this side of the story very often, because for most people it doesn't work out like this.

I honestly think you should leave him and cut ties, and as soon as you can. His actions and treatment of you are, imo, unforgivable. You deserve better and you deserve to be better without him poisoning your thoughts and feelings and heart.

You deserve better, I hope you find your happiness.

Me and the Fiancée were in a LDR for a while before things got serious and it turned into a real relationship. I moved states and job to be with her.

I love her, she loves me. I found out she was cheating early on. I've been ultra paranoid since and constantly checked up on her. As far as I can tell she's cut it all off now and hasn't cheated since after we met.. But since meeting in person despite falling for her /I've/ been cheating. A lot.

I'm not doing it because she doesn't satisfy me or i'm addicted to other girls. sex from them is fine but i don't need it from anyone but the Fiancée. I'm not emotionally attracted to anyone but her and not in love or planning anything with anyone else. I'm cheating because I'm still so fucking angry and hurt by the fact she lied so much. I'd been hurt in the past, I put on blinders and took a leap of faith thinking she's different. she was sweet and honest is the image she tried hard to portray. I fell for her, was prepared and promised to be loyal. I _was_ loyal. She said the same but was lying through her teeth. she honeydicked me /adv/. Now I'm lying too.

I never thought I'd give a cheater a second chance but I care about her too much to have dumped her. I tried pushing her away and she pulled back. I thought this is the only thing I could do to feel at peace without telling her to pound sand and us both being unhappy, that it would make me feel even, then I'd stop and be able to continue a normal relationship content we both behaved like pigs rather than feeling like a used doormat that she walked over. but it doesn't. So i keep repeating it hoping it will work. I don't feel good for doing it, the sex means nothing. It's not thrilling. Yet I don't feel bad or guilty .. I never wanted to do this to someone. But I can't take the fact she did it to me lying down. I still feel like she's got one over on me. I don't know how to come to peace with things. I know i love her and this is dumb.

I'm a fucking idiot for dropping out of college years ago. Now look at you. Part-time shit job. No future. 20grand in debt from student loans and nothing to show for it. And no idea what I even want to do with my life anymore.

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Not this time. They are quite clearly having a personal crisis which unless you are very careful will destroy them from your actions no matter the just cause you suppose you have.

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bollocking hell, the man needs help...

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Mom tried to kill herself a few days ago. She's going through a divorce with my step father. They have her locked up in the hospital where all the crazies are. No way to see her or communicate with her.
They wont even tell me and my brothers when she's getting out. We're all grown but our oldest sister is mentally challenged and our mom was the main one taking care of her. Seeing that our grandmother just recently passed away. I couldn't imagine the damage it would have on her, hell, and us.
I dont really know how to feel. I'm sad, I'm pissed, i want to hit something, I want to talk to other people about it, but at the same time, i feel like its way too personal to share to my close friends. What in the hell am I supposed to do, how do i react to her when i see her again? What do I say?

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mmm we need some tin foil

>>17007153
I dunno, hold her hand or something, you'll work it out

i have a good job, am 26 years old and i started playing a flight simulator and got really into it and really want to be a fighter pilot now and im terribly sad i didnt find this interest when i was 16 or something because i am too old because of arbitrary restrictions

ill never fly one of those cool jets ;_;

Last night I lost my anal virginity!!
It wasn't bad at all. They guy was slow with it but I actually did feel that second g-spot.

I'd do it again. I feel so O.G.

Between /pol/, /adv/, and /v/, I have finally come to a decision regarding what is wrong with the people who post on 4chan.

They are all losers who have failed in every facet of life and hate everything as a result. They like to pin the blame on others and hate people because they're unhappy with themselves and their own lives. Hell, /v/ might be one of the most miserable places on the internet. /pol/'s racism is well documented. /adv/ is a cesspool. Overall, it's just pathetic.

I want to go back to what we had. I don't know what happened. We had a lot of turmoil and things are better now but things have changed in a way that feels so strange. I love you still, and always will, so fucking much, and I know you love me too, but something does not feel right and it hurts. It makes me sad and it lingers in me each day, even when we are happy together and smiling, it remains potently earthed within. I have hope for our future, but we need to fix some things, the problem is is that I can't see directly what is wrong. I feel suicidal even when we are happy, and it is not normal, I wish it to never be here, and I want you to help me. Please help me make us what we were months ago. I love you dear, even when I'm very sad.

>>17007311
I feel this way too :(

>>17007311
...B?

Why do I have to be so autistic about credits? It's not like I made that music, I just happen to be the first one to know it in the group.

So autistic

>>16999097
>watches hentai on pornhub

>>17007305
yeah /v/ is fucking garbage
it bothers me a lot since i like to play and make games and don't really have much of an outlet for it other than a few of the better generals on /vg/
fellow anons are the closest thing i got to friends so if i can't share a hobby with them i just have to keep it to myself

You're so difficult. You're making me feel unattractive, why don't you initiate sex? I'm considered to be good looking, yet you barely do anything out of the ordinary in the bedroom and stop enjoying it if it becomes a longer session. You're making me hate having sex with you.. I must've made you cum at least 400 times, while you've done that for me twice, and I'm not even sure about the second time. I know it gets a bit old after a while but I never said we should only have regular boring sex, I've tried looking at porn with you, I've tried asking for your opinion on slutty clothing, I've tried roleplaying, all of those things make you uncomfortable? Are you kidding me? I've done things for you that I wouldn't for anyone else. Things that I'd usually hate.
So to summarize, you refuse to fuck me properly, you don't take me out, you have 0 interest in having a conversation with me, I clean for you, I cook (even though we're not even close to getting married), I stopped talking to all my previous guys friends and I just wait home for you to come back everyday. Meanwhile you won't shut up about how we're soulmates and how head over heels you are for me. Well no shit dude, you got yourself a fucking slave, of course you'd think that. I swear if you drop another movie line at me I'll pack my shit and go. It's long overdue.

My relationship of two years seems to finally go down...
I feel numb, already drinking. Going downhill, destroyed inside and it's all my fault. I feel different, worse than ever... I wish I believed in myself more. Fucked up.

>>17007484
Initials?

>>17007088
Bless you. I hope you're doing much better now. I am soon on my way to recovery from the mental side of this. Ever since I met him, I've changed. Especially through all the bad experiences. I don't even cry anymore when he does something that hurts me physically or emotionally. I just nod and hope he stops being mad at me and then I pretend it never happened and go ahead and hug him and whatever. I've read this is the hardest tipe of relationship to move on from. Hopefully one day I'll notice how much I'm worth.
Thank You.

>>17007305
>he thinks /pol/ isnt satire

These damn blue-collared tweekers, they're beloved in this town

I can no longer be disciplined bythe frustration of an insecure man. As I kiss your face you'll know thatI can no longer apologize foryour former lover's mistakes.

nah, fuck you, it's an important principle, it might save your Nan from a disease

I dropped out of uni to study music. I left behind the few friends I made, the only person I formed an attachment to in the music school is my teacher, who happens to be my age. He doesn't seem interested in the slightest but that doesn't even matter because it's so infuriating that I can never even express my interest, I just act like an idiot. Even if he's not interested, I'd like to be able to express my feelings and actually know how he feels and maybe give it a fucking chance. I spend most of my time at the school practicing but when I get to the lesson I'm focusing mainly on him so I don't progress as much as I could. For a long time now one of my main motivations was to please him, take that away and I'd need to start over again. I've considered changing teachers but he's also been really supportive and even giving me extra lessons lately, so I don't really want to. I'm pathetic and lonely enough to say he's all I have .

I'm so fucking attention/affection starved I'm desperate, it doesn't matter how happy I am with every other aspect of my life, life is void of any fulfillment when you feel perpetually lonely.

I'm scared to leave my house during the day. I wait until it's 9 or later to go and do stuff. Help

I hate all of the recent advice given to me. I hate life. I hate jobs. I hate money. I hate society. I hate standards. I hate people. I hate life. I hate higher powers. I hate rules. I hate life. I hate life. I hate there's nothing I can do. I'm killing myself tonight. I hate my life.

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I wish someone would just let me sleep on their couch for a week.

I feel so scared and alone in the location where I'm at right now and it takes about a week for me to recover from the stress of this place and become a regular, happy human again.

I think people would just think that I'm a bum if I asked, but I'm dedicated to my mental health, and I've put a lot of effort into recovering, and faced a lot of embarrassment and failure addressing my symptoms, and I just a comfortable couch or bed for a week to recover.

I love that girl

I'm just always surprised that you wanna be with me. Like, it just seems like it would be so easy for you to be with someone else. You're my other half, most definitely. I've never felt this way about any other person and I'm totally fucking in love with you but I'm not sure why you're still puttering around with me when you could find better halves than me. I know that this is more of my insecurity than anything else and it's come up a lot lately and I'm sorry about that but it's what goes through my head every single time I talk to you. I don't mean to shove it in your face constantly but it's how I feel.

>>17009406
Initials?

>>17009412
T. P. Why?

You haven't had sex in 8 months.

It sucks, but that shouldn't depress you. Instead of focusing on that, bieng single be happy with what you do have. New city, new great job, good health. You're not going to find happiness through another person, only constraint. Work towards what you want, work towards your goals. Satisfaction will come. And so will sex. But not if you are gloomy.

>>17009326
What's really got you down bud?

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I'm Hikikomori,have been for a long time, was a NEET but took an interest in computers and went to school for awhile but it really isn't what I wanted (though it useful)so I'm probably going to go back to old ways or leave the country with the money I have.I got like this from being in a isolated town and never gaining the ability to drive from my parents,parents who were worried about me dying prematurely in a car accident(common where I live) in my teenage years to teach me/wrap up in their work.Maybe I've always been away from society .looking on wards that the world spins,just as a quite observer or looking at other worlds more interesting though sometimes these world become traps and I've learn along time ago to avoid these traps. Most would say to go outside to be the solution to my solitude but are I really outside?because every time I step out side to walk my dog,get the mail etc I still feel that Im in my small room,the ceiling is just raised and everyone else is in their rooms weather it be at work,the club,store or on the internet,the only time I'm ever felt outside is if I'm in nature itself and lucky for me my neighborhood still has some woods/forest left for me to explore and contemplate.

Nothing makes me want to fucking kill myself like doing my taxes does.

>>17002607
The only sensible post so far.

Ive had a crush on you for 4 years. But i havent told anyone.

>>17009405
Right there with ya bud.

I'm sick of my own bullshit. You know, it's ridiculous. I've never done this before to my recollection, but I've been imagining marrying you when I need to stay awake on a long drive. Why?! I don't ever want to get married, but there are a handful of songs that never fail to call you to mind, and there I am, dancing with you in a wedding dress, and you looking handsome in a tux. Ugh.

If I could get past this, I would, but I can't help but wonder if there's really something there. Too bad the circumstance in which we met is unfortunate. And even though I haven't seen you in a while, my mind just keeps pulling to you. I don't know what I did to deserve this. What's worse is the only guys who could pull me out of this are unavailable or I don't even know them. This is just my luck. Ever doomed to fall in love with those who will never return it.

And the worst part of it all is that once, I was so certain that you did feel the same way. And now, I'm left with the emptiness of feeling as though I killed that feeling within you by being so blind.

I'm so sorry. I always am so fucking sorry. I wish I could be perfect like the other girls, but instead I'm this rotten, broken mess who looks like she has her shit together but falls apart at the drop of a hat. I hate this so much.

>>17007305
Fuck off you dumb cunt. /v/ and /pol/ are one of the best places on the whole internet.

>>17009326
Don't do it.

>>17009326
Make a fool proof plan before killing yourself because if you fail, you are going to be more depressed. I once tried hanging myself to the ceiling but failed and now I am depressed as fuck because I am afraid of killing myself.

All I wanted was you. And I learned, yet again, never to place all my hopes on one person. They will always disappoint you. Always.

I'm wallowing so hard and hating all of these feelings. I should be happy but I'm so stressed.

I feel like I'm detaching from everything. My whole life has just been a clusterfuck, and I'm so tired of it. I was raped nearly everyday by my father for 13 years, while my whole family knew about it but kept it hidden away and quiet. I spent most of my childhood in psychosis banging my head off walls and seeing horrible things hiding in my room.

I thought I had found a way out of it when I met a guy that seemed genuinely interested in me, so I moved away with him. Things were okay at first, until I upset him and he hit me and threw my puppy down the stairs. I should have ran then, but where else could I go. I stayed with him for a year, starving and getting raped multiple times a day when I was too weak to even get out of bed from the constant bleeding.

I managed to pull myself away, and got housing assistance to a shitty apartment with my dog that he used to hit when he was tired of hitting me. Started camming and now I'm making 2k a week, live in a fancy house with everything I need, but I just feel so empty and suspicious. Everyone that comes into my life has a motive, and it's sickening. It's not even like I want to kill myself, it's just empty numbness.

I'm only 19, but I feel 50

>>17001053
Don't tell her, JUST FUCKING ESCALATE BRO

>>17001053
Run away dude, she's not for you!

>>17003462
No1 does shit to anyone. You do shit to yourself. Stop blaming others. You can change, every minute, of every second of every day.

Or bitch, complain, whine, and cry, your choice OP. And i was in your shoes. Pro-tip look up geoff thompson. He overcame being raped as a 12 year old boy, thats some real shit.

Just slaved my ass off this week. Got my 40 hours in by Wednesday, and what do I get in return?

- Side effects from discontinuing some medication I was on.

- Complete and utter apathy.

- Lethargy, and a total inability to do productive things on my time off.

So here I am, wasting my time by drinking and ultimately bringing myself one day closer to the great nothingness.

Love is a waste of fucking time. Everyone will jilt you in the end for someone else these days.

>>17004127
I'm sorry for you OP. I'm 24 and was in a similar boat, but i still have 1 chance to fix it. And i'm hellbent on crushing that chance into the stars and beyond.

Mostly my issues were i dated an INSANE BPD girl who tried to ruin me; as a result of my crazy ALCY mom and lack of a father. But the one thing i always did was step out of my comfort zone, even when others told me not to. Hell, otherwise i might have married this bitch if i didn't do things my way.
Know your post is helping me. And don't give up. Life is strange, i was in a dark hole for 3 years, but now the sun is starting to shine. Lord knows what life will bring. Good Luck !

Your new crush and special friend is talking about himself again to allude to the fact he wants to follow you at the end of the month. He probably wants more attention from you. Be sure to take care of that.

>>17009668
Initials?

>>17009878
Initials to?

>>17009921
you aren't him, but for fun and in case you are, in lieu of initials, where did we meet?

>>17010116
Initials are irrelevant. If you believe it could apply, take care of it.

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>>17010144
But they are relevant.
>it'll be okay, just throw it out there.

>>17010203
They aren't. I'm merely getting my jealousy off of my chest. The initials aren't relevant, if you think this applies to a situation with regards to you, then look at the crush I could be referring to and give them attention like you do the rest of the time. You'd be giving your crush your attention and affection again, like you have been since even changing your sleep schedule to suit him, and you'll both be happy together.

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I wanted that road trip to be some magical moment. I wanted the whole thing to result in me bursting out of my shell, realizing my introverted lifestyle was a mistake and that I'd indeed been missing out. I wanted to be stunned at the speed at which I could adapt and see the error of my ways.

It never happened the whole two weeks despite my positive approach. I spoke to plenty of people, traveled to bars with strangers, drank a lot of beers, laughed, smoked, sat and watched stars but I always felt like an outsider no matter the situation. My words would sometimes confuse people or I'd hear new phrases or music and be ridiculed or looked at strangely for 'not knowing'. I just didn't want to be around most people in the end, even my friends sometimes rubbing me the wrong way. They once found me in a tree atop a branch because I was sick of it all.

I feel something's wrong with me or that I'm still missing out. I'd like to be with someone as it has been a while, but how can that happen when I'm so reclusive and fucking strange? What kind of woman would be okay with a man that she might sometimes find in a tree 'because he wanted to get away'?

Is 'playing vidya all day' code for 'I was busy talking to/seeing/fucking people who are better than you in every way'?

Because it sure as shit seems like that's what's really going on here.

>>17010411
No, when someone tells you they're playing vidya all day they probably are

>>17010420
What if they have a history of doing exactly what the OP says, or if they have a history of cheating?

"No one likes me"
Look at how many people hit on you. Look at how many people enjoy spending time with you. Look at the fact someone else added you today saying they wanted to kiss and pet you, on top of the person who already wanted to since proclaiming they had a crush on you.

I love you, but you are dense. You won't read this, whether you browse the board or not you won't read this. You're spending time with them now.

I'm not angry at you. I'm not even angry at them. Just myself. I shouldn't be angry, or jealous, or sad, or feel like my heart is breaking several times over. I am, though. This is my fault and I still want the best for you, so I shouldn't feel jealous, I shouldn't feel so awful. I do, though. How things would be if I hadn't ended it is a frequent series of dreams for me. If I hadn't still loved you, then maybe I wouldn't hate myself. It's even a selfish reason to hate myself. I don't hate myself for anything I made you feel. I hate myself because I can't have what, or who, I've wanted this entire time because I ended it with you. I only want you, when I told you I had no plans to look for anyone else it was because I only wanted you. But I can't have you because I ended it. Just about anyone else can have a shot at having you, but I don't even make the effort anymore to show I care. I can't because we don't talk, and we don't talk because I'm an idiot. I don't know how to approach you and seem sincere. I don't know how I could possibly prove that I've only wanted you this whole time. I don't know anything other than how to watch you move on.

I don't like emotions, I don't like not knowing. I don't like myself. I don't like being proven right, and I don't like being wrong. I wish you'd read this just for an idea of how shitty I am and how I feel, but I don't want you to read this because you'll apologize. I don't know what to do other than the generic advice of "you have to give up and move on"
I don't like this. I don't. Help.