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I know this a pretty common thing, but I feel like I am afraid of being intimate with people. I am a generally reserved person and I try to control my emotions when handling situations. I think it's because I've been hurt by people close to me and it has become a defensive reaction. My problem is that I struggle explaining my feelings to friends and when dating. It's not because I don't know how to explain it, it's that I feel uncomfortable when I do. Does this make any sense?
I noticed this about myself when I was dating this one girl for a while, she was super sweet and really nice and it freaked me out. Mostly the idea of someone reciprocating was totally bizarre to me and I feel extremely bad that I couldn't convey to her that I appreciated her. If anything I felt sick that someone was trying to get intimate with me. Like eating too much cotton candy and puking rainbows. I guess I'm just too used to hiding my vulnerability and my emotions.
We're still somewhat dating, mostly because we both go to school in different parts of the world and we have intentions to hang out with each other.
Can anyone relate to this at all? I know there is this idea that in love, we tend to gravitate towards people who treat us the way we see ourselves hence why people bitch about girls going out with douches and why going out with nice people can be off putting. Now that I think about my last two long term relationships were pretty one-sided and felt emotionally abusive.
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I can kind of relate. Putting your true feelings out there is, for lack of a better way to describe it, sort of dangerous. I feel this way because my history is mostly full of people betraying that sort of trust, and I have enough trouble with social situations that I don't want people to make it harder for me. People have always called me strange, weird, creepy, etc. I've worked on not appearing as such, so now I hide my real thoughts to not be excluded.
But I can't relate all the way, because what I really want is someone who I can be myself around, and not have to think about that sort of thing. Whenever someone seems like they could be close to that, I'm afraid of them thinking I'm too abnormal after all, so I pull back and keep it secret. That way I at least have someone I can be kind of myself around, even if it's only a part.
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>>16961090
Yeah I totally get what you mean, and I guess my problem is being comfortable with my emotions and feelings rather than seeing them as a nusiance.
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