did anyone of you tried to kill themself? how did you try it?

>>16952241
>2006
>be depressed due to family and general puberty stuff
>insecticide
>be diagnosed with depression, break off therapy

>self improval to put it bluntly

Sometimes I fall into old patterns like paranoia or the good old ZOMGNOONELOVESME (to be fair I'm a difficult person), but in general my life is awesome, so why would I give two shits.

File: gorilla mindset.jpg (54KB, 333x499px) Image search: [Google]

54KB, 333x499px

>>16952241
try reading this book

it might not work for you, but, give it a shot

>did anyone of you tried to kill themself?

yes. unsure of how many times because unsure of what counts. I've thought about it almost every day for the last 14 years, started to attempt countless times, attempted so that I had to go to the ER probably 5-10, been hospitalized for suicide attempts 3 out of the 6 times I've been hospitalized, nearly died from attempting 2 times.

>how did you try it? and why?

It's pretty split between strangulation and OD. The worst one was when I was 19 and that was strangulation that led to a 5-day coma.

Why: I'm very upset a lot of the time. Child abuse from birth-18 years, first by my dad, then by my mom when my parents divorced, kinda fucked me up, and I never got help for it. Bullied in school etc. Then I went off to college and landed myself in an relationship where I was getting beaten and choked out. I dunno I guess I've just felt like I was drowning in pain and there was no way to be physically or emotionally safe. Most of the therapy I received was unskilled and bouncing in and out of psych wards only justified that I was the problem member of my family. I started to feel like everyone was evil, including myself, while simultaneously wanting love.

This is how you create a personality disorder I guess

Oh, and then I started seeing the effects of chronic illness lol.

>and why are you still alive?

I'm doing some other things than attempting suicide at the moment. I'm not gonna try again until I've given ripping myself out of my family a try. I've never been able to live independently but it's going to happen really soon.

I've also gotten dramatically better at dealing with my mental setup. I did Dialectical Behavioral Therapy for a bit and took what I liked from that. I keep pretty good records of events that happened to me so if I'm lost in whatever I'm feeling at the moment I can check back. I dissociate entirely at will, which is good for getting through a rough patch.

i've tried multiple times but the most recent was:

>2013
>chronic depression
>experience major depressive episode
>try to jump off apartment roof
>don't work up enough nerve before someone calls police and i get hauled away

not sure why i'm alive still, i guess i hate myself less and just kind of exist now. rarely-never consider suicide anymore but im never happy either.