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Fucked up sexually

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Ever since I was 16 I dove right into going to orgies, gang-bangs, sex shows, fetish parties and the like.

All of these things got pretty sexually degenerate as I got older. Though I've never done anything illegal, I've toed the line and did shit like rape scenarios, slave auctions, age-play, fucking people while bestiality shit played on the t.v, getting someone high out their mind then fucking them, mind breaking, torture, etc.

Did it with women, men, all races, grandmas, married dads, pregnant women, etc. The only thing everyone seemed to have in common was that they were over 18 (even though half the time they pretended they were 12 or vice versa).

Long story short, I'm to the point where I'm fucking tired of all of it; all this fucked up fetish shit. I really want to get out before I do something like get a drug addiction or HIV. I'm also feeling morally fucked about a lot of the shit I've done.

I'm also at the point in life where I'm getting on track career wise and want to have a family of some sort one day. I've been doing the normal dating thing with mixed results.

I just can't get hard when it comes to the 2 people in bed set up, though. Even if I like the person and find them sexy, I get bored halfway through. I DON'T want to bring my past fucked up sex shit into the bedroom either.

I'm to the point where I'm considering chemical castration or something.

Any Anons got advice?
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>>16946620
Well what you need is to settle the fuck down, live in a small town if possible work out, get a hobby and a good stable LTR.
>>
How did you get into that op? Have you been sexually active in a "normal" way before? Are you male or female?
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>>16946620
I suggest completely depriving yourself of all porn masturbation and anything sexual for a while to bring your sexual energy down to a normal level. At this point you've just become desensitized to normal sex
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>>16946620
You had to have caught the herps you degenerate fuck. Spare some nice girl your depraved bullshit and just deal with the face that you'll be fucking midgets covered in thousand island dressing while a dude pegs you from behind.
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>>16946620
>he hasn't gone bug chasing
Im surprised at this point.

But seriously, just stop. Its been proven that your mind resets itself and will plung back to normal sexual levels. Also you can quit all this fetish shit as well.
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>>16946775
I'd love a LTR again (someday), and am definitely able to be romantic as hell when it comes to another person. Its just the sexual aspect of it I struggle with. Its to the point where I just get nervous being one on one with someone else now.

>>16946788
I'm a dude. Have been sexually active in a "normal" way when I was like, 16-17ish, but even then I sort of had the issue and would make excuses to hold off on having sex since I couldn't keep my boner. Got into it by living in a city, getting facial hair early and knowing the right wrong people.

>>16946794
Heard of this before and, truth be told, I'm a little afraid of it. How likely is it to work? How long should I deprave myself? Can someone truly get re-sensitized?

>>16946801
Believe it or not, I've never gotten an STD. Of course I've always played safe.
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>>16946823
>bug chasing

Yeah, no. Am an admittedly depraved fuck, but always in a fantasy sense. Always wrapped up.
Not into actively trying to off myself.
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>>16946620
>Ever since I was 16 I dove right into going to orgies, gang-bangs, sex shows, fetish parties and the like.
WTF how do I find this? Really though - I want this. So badly. I've had threesomes and foursomes and mixed drugs with sex throughout my life but I"ve never been this heavy in it.

How do I into this?
>>
You could become a swinger and bring your partner to those events.
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>>16946620

Well, now you know sex w/o intimacy is eventually soul-crushing.

Find someone that you can be intimate and don't even think about sex initially.

You have a brain, use it.
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>>16946828
Ok, now lets dig deeper. Not being able to hold a boner at 16-17ish is unusual. What was the reason for that?
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>>16946866
People and location. I was friends with loose dudes and girls and went to a high school smack dab in the heart of the city, so y'know, sex shops, dungeons, bathhouses, etc, abound. But, yeah, seriously not worth it man.
Well, if you're like me anyway.

>>16946885
Half in half. I've had small, nice moments with a lot of people, but I guess I agree overall. My fear is that I'll find someone, get to the point where we want to have sex and I can't stay aroused. But guess I'll try to abstain fro all sex like above Anons said, maybe it'll help.

>>16946907
Half of me thinks I was so afraid of being intimate with someone I couldn't stay aroused and have simply having all this crazy sex because there's a lack of sexual intimacy with it.
Then again, we were both mostly in the relationship just to be in one. I was pretty hesitant during our first kiss and even when we made it official and hugged I thought "Is this sincere?"

I mean, if you want to dig deep I still remember my older bro making me do shit with him, but don't really think that's been all that significant. I remember getting hard at 13 reading a YA book of some kid my age getting kidnapped and molested...so maybe I've always been inclined to be fucked up? I dunno.
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>>16946990
I'm a bit similar to you OP. just not to that extend. I have few boundaries when it comes to physical intimacy but am on virgin-levels when it comes to emotional intimacy. I am on a quest to change that and find out what happened to get me here. In my case, it was my parents being emotionally and physically abusive. It's almost always the parents that have been the problem. I did sexual stuff with my sister too, but that had no impact. I think it boils down to the fact that the early abuse made me unable to have any dignity and self worth. I never thought i was valueable besides being a piece of meat to fuck. Everything else seemed fake and i couldn't accept it. I'm slowly making some progress but i'm still slipping up here and there.
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>>16946990
>Half in half. I've had small, nice moments with a lot of people, but I guess I agree overall. My fear is that I'll find someone, get to the point where we want to have sex and I can't stay aroused. But guess I'll try to abstain fro all sex like above Anons said, maybe it'll help.

You don't need to abstain from sex, just don't make it a focus.

Just having your dick rule your life is stupid and you will be unhappy.

You aren't a mindless creature with a dick, you are a person with emotions, thoughts, dreams, etc. Right?

Sex is a great bonding experience for people in love, but too many people think sex is the guidepost to lead their life. This is fucking retarded.
>>
Its hard to change.
I would never tell your partner about your past.
But you dug yourself a hole.
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>>16946990
>People and location. I was friends with loose dudes and girls and went to a high school smack dab in the heart of the city, so y'know, sex shops, dungeons, bathhouses, etc, abound. But, yeah, seriously not worth it man.
>Well, if you're like me anyway.
I'm jealous. I grew up in a hyper religious, hyper military family moving every year. I now live in a completely new city, so I guess I'll have to rely on the internet. Would you recommend FetLife, Meetup, something else? I've found traditional sites like OKC and Tinder to be good for finding normies but not much else.

Philosophically, I realize the grass seems ever greener on the other side, but really it's just the same grass. I think perhaps you have a distorted view of what "normal" relationships are like... I've had plenty so let me share my thoughts.

Normal relationships consist of the following:
>You attract a girl
>She has expectations about how things are "supposed" to go...based on Disney and her parents' usually dysfunctional or lopsided relationship
A.k.a. "A man should always be a true gentleman (even when I'm acting like a bitch)." Just really hypocritical, stupid shit like that. "Oh, but a REAL MAN shooould act like [insert personal bias here]" kind of shit.
>If you conform to her expectations, you'll get a year, maybe two of her actually *trying* in bed
She'll usually want to try things that she *thinks* are kinky (but are really vanilla as hell) like "Oh, I want you to tie me up!" As if being tied down actually fucking matters. Woopty fucking doo, it's still the same normal sex except now she has an even better reason to be lazy with it.

After about two years, especially if you put a ring on it, the sex falls off of a cliff. Every married man I know has told me this and whines like a girl about it. Once she stops trying and getting comfortable... especially if you both have careers and stress... she'll start thinking a quick blowjob or 30 minute quick fuck a few times (cont.)
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>>16947010
>I'm slowly making some progress but i'm still slipping up here and there.

Good for you anon. We all slip up, no one is free of mistakes. You just have to keep going, keep making progress. Most of it is just recognizing the problem and goal, which you have already done.

You need to build up your self-worth, it will take a long time. But you can get there, and be happy. You can.
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>>16947026
>Normal relationships consist of the following:

Yeah most relationships are crap. People make shitty choices, are insecure, and are really unable to be happy.

But not all relationships are bad.
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>>16947032
This. It's your choice of partners that makes them all "the same". And it's you. The only constance in every single on of them.
Relationships don't HAVE to be like that.
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>>16947026
a week is "enough." She'll start settling into what she feels *should* be enough for you too. You'll start hearing:
>I'm exhausted
>Well you have to put me in the mood! (and no matter what you do the "in the mood" bar keeps rising month after month)
OR if she does put out, it'll be weak, weak sex. Sex where you almost want to stop in the middle of it because it feels like she's just spreading her legs for you to get off on her while she lies there (which is exactly how it is).

Some women will bend because they really want you. I've gotten normies to peg me a few times, or ass fucked them, or w/e but it's always been AFTER she gets over herself "OMG you want me to do WHAT?" or "No, the last guy who ass fucked me hurt me!" So you'll have to work for it the first time and every time after that. ANd even when they do it, it's not like they're *enjoying* it. They're usually "just doing it for you."

I've had three relationshits over 2 years and been with over 50 partners. This is basically how it's gone every... single.. fucking...time.

And they'll think it's A-OK to not satisfy you because "Well other guys don't want THAT" and excuses in like kind. They'll think it's OK because they cuddle you. Big fucking deal.

So be careful what you wish for OP. The grass is not always greener.
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>>16947028
I really hope so. I just feel like i am ages behind my actual age and will never be able to get on par.

However, i didn't mean to make the thread i to my personal blog. The intention was to find out if OP had a similar childhood/other similarities. So OP, do you?
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>>16947040
>I've had three relationshits over 2 years
By that I meant "3 relationshits that have lasted 2 years or longer"
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>>16947045
>I really hope so. I just feel like i am ages behind my actual age and will never be able to get on par.

Don't worry about it. Most people taper off in maturity in their 40s, but everybody matures at different rates.
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>>16947032
>>16947038
Yeah, of course it's partly me and my choices.

But let's not pretend here that women are upfront and honest with themselves about what they want, etc. Because I've dated a wiiiiiiiide range of women:
>Japanese
>Chinese
>Eastern European
>English
>US
>Israeli
Etc. etc. etc. and I've dated many *types* of women across all economics:
>Poor
>Highly educated
>Rich
>Shy
>Slutty
Etc. Each relationshit has followed this type of pattern. Yes, I'm picking the women, but it's not like I know we TRULY know what we're picking before we dig in deeper.

And when I dig deeper? Same shit, different day with rare exceptions.

I envy OP his orgies and highly sexed parties.
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>>16947040
> 50 partners
Yeah... The girls aren't really the problem here. YOU have major intimacy issues. Stop spreading hate and blame. Start to take responsibility for your shortcomings like a mature human being and work on it.
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>>16947062

Well you are already not identifying truly different traits in women.

Japanese/Israeli/English...they could all be the SAME TYPE OF WOMAN.

Same for education and socio-economic status.

NONE OF THOSE THINGS truly make a person who they are.

You are very likely picking the SAME TYPE of woman, but this one is Black and that one was Japanese so fuck they must be different right?

Nope.

It's the same mental pattern, over and over, just with different female actors all playing the same part; and you playing the same part.
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>>16947062
See
>>16947068

you seem lonely and bitter. Drowning that with numbing sex won't make you happy
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>>16947040
Fuck that.
You're not holding the right frame.
If she resists, just say something along the lines of "grow up" I haven't even gotten to the kinky part yet.
project onto her that she has all the makings of a good deviant.
have her Find a couple hypnosis tracks that work for her.
If she's never been introduced to this stuff its gonna take a while till she's obsessed. Lots of repetitions and mantras.
I'm a good slut
I want to feel gaped
I need my ass fucked
whatever you're into

create simple patterns and scripts for her to follow.
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>>16947070
Listen to this anon. The traits you listed have no impact. But you seem lost when it comes to grasping the concept of "another human being" alltogether so it's not exactly surprising you have a mindset like that. And i don't mean that in an insultong way, just something i noticed
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>>16946620

Having meaningless sex with 1,50 or 500 women is exactly the same thing; it provides no more meaning or intimacy the 1st time vs. the 500th.

All that happens is that you think ALL relationships with women are just sexual, and you lose any sense of humanity or intimacy.

Don't you want to caress a woman's face, to have her look at you and smile, to kiss her with love and passion?

You do, but trying to get intimacy and love from just sex is fucking retarded.

I mean, you keep doing the same thing, and you're so unhappy; so why keep fucking do it?

"I'm a man, I don't want love or intimacy". You're fucking stupid, and a liar.

You can't get happy or have a satisfying relationship from sex alone. You can not. I'll say it 10000000 more times until you fucking people get it.
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>>16947087

Don't you want to have a relationship where you can:
Tell her everything about you, and she still loves you
Wants to be around you, and you around her
Miss each other when you're not around
Be able to laugh with each other, share common interests
Be able to comfort each other when you're sad, or angry, or depressed
Have another person actually give a shit how you are, and are concerned for their well-being; as you are of them

You can have all of that...it really does exist. It's not some made up fucking Hallmark card shit. You just have to pick the right person for you, and go in 100% w/o fear.
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>>16947068
>>16947070
>>16947072
Look, I don't disagree here that me and my issues are partly to blame.

But let's be fair shall we? how women do you know who would react well to saaaaay you wanting them to snort coke off your dick and then get ass fucked? having preferences like that really limits and perhaps even offends a lot of people. I think you guys are ignoring that in your judgments.
>NONE OF THOSE THINGS truly make a person who they are.
Eeeehh... I get where you're coming from, I do, but I think it's just too simplistic to say that a person's ethnic identity or socioeconomic status don't matter to who they are. A girl who went through the Rwandan genocide is going to approach things a bit differently than a white sorority girl. I just listed those things because they were easy ways to distinguish people in a limited paragraph format over the internet.

But I hear you people, I do. My search continues and I continue to improve and work to find a girl who truly fits with me. I just wanted to give OP a bit of a counter weight - most of the "normal" relationships he's seeking? I think he's going to be disappointed. I don't want him to have unrealistically high expectations... Trying to be the devil's advocate for him here.
>>16947073
You. I like your advice. And I agree. But people really do have their preferences, even if they don't realize it. I've had girls go from ... snorting coke off of my dick and begging for it up her ass to (a year later) wanting me to just come watch basketball. I don't mind basketball... but ass fucking would be better. #wheredidtheassfuckinggo

It doesn't help that my married friends report the same troubles to my already sensitive ears.
>>
OP here, sorry getting a little lost

>>16947010
>>16947045
>I never thought i was valueable besides being a piece of meat to fuck. Everything else seemed fake and i couldn't accept it.
Fuck, that hit me a little. I jumped into this after coming from a place of zero self confidence my freshman year of HS, so that might be something to think about. Though it didn't come from family. Its funny, I have found myself passing on a relationship on the basis that I'd be deemed too ugly or unimpressive in the sack, something that doesn't matter when it comes to the type of sex I've been having.

Good for you on making small improvements anon. Any tips? Just go one day at a time?

>>16947026
>>16947040
>>16947062
I never used any of those sites, sorry. Sorry to hear about your less than ideal relationship experiences, but as you said "The grass isn't always greener"; I'm positive I've missed out on something that you've felt in those relationships. Ever try putting most of your cards in the table when you first get with a girl?

Are these girls mentally the same type?

>>16947087
I mean, its just gotten "meaningless" these last few months, maybe into the last year. Before that its been, at the very least, fun in a way.

I know that all relationships aren't sexual, the thing is these aren't relationships. Its just sex, sometimes with the same partner/fuck buddy.

I like intimacy, I've had small doses of it with people and although I question its sincerity it was still nice in a way. My issue isn't trying to find intimacy from sex, I've never tried to, its me unable to be sexual with a single partner. I'm more than capable of being intimate with someone and I have been, its the sexual aspect of the relationship that's the issue- an aspect that is very important.

I'm not sure where the machismo stuff came from.
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>>16947152
>I'm positive I've missed out on something that you've felt in those relationships.
I guess that's what I'm really trying to get at here - that "thing" you've missed out on is like the other side of the coin to your fetish relationships.... if that makes sense. When you feel it, you'll realize it's a thing. A thing that's grown or put together or however you want to say it, just like the "mind break" and "torture" stuff. You find someone who wants to connect, then you connect. Once you've done it 10 times, you realize it's a mental process .... or like.... putting a square into a square hole. You just match it up like a puzzle and VIOLA! the girl thinks she's in love with you and you "make her a better person" etc. etc.

It's like an orgasm. You can learn how to give a girl an orgasm like a robot but it has zero meaning unless you give it meaning for yourself. We can be robots or we can be humans.

So I guess the advice I would give to you is to stop "reaching" for the ideal... and just start being open to possibilities? Maybe your sexual deviancy should be included in your relationships. maybe you'll find a sexual deviant who also wants to be a family woman.

my whiny rants were me just trying to share with you that... if you don't make yourself "whole" and accept yourself, youll be like me. You learned how to fetishize sex. I learned how to fetishize "love." Maybe we both need to accept all of ourselves and just be in the moment, with fetishes and love.
>Are these girls mentally the same type?
They weren't, but it's hard to convince people of that over the internet lol.

Anyway, I'll stop shit posting your thread ;) Cheers man and good luck to us both.
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>>16947123

Married fag also. Can confirm. Blowjobs stopped after I got married. All of my sex is boring and rationed.
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>>16947170
I see, really well put man
>maybe you'll find a sexual deviant who also wants to be a family woman.
For some reason I've had a hard time imagining this, as if someone enjoying something on the level I have and while still being a family person makes the latter a sham (which is ridiculous I guess since I'm mostly a straight laced prude outside of the sack.)


Still think I'll try to nix some of the more extreme ones. I just don't feel right working with black people after attending fake slave auctions and screwing who I buy or working with children after fucking a couple while pretending I'm a middle schooler.

Interesting advice Anon, thanks. I would happily run a train on your coked up body with several strapped ladies.
>>
>>16947152
>didn't come from family
I don't want to assume anything here OP, but most of the time it is. I have worked in care since a long time. My mom is a child psychologist. I worked with babies, toddlers, kids, teens and adults. You can usually read a familie like an open book if you spend some time with their kids. Low self wort is 99% of cases the resposibility of the parents. It doesn't mean they have abused you or anything. Those might be really small stuff looking back that caused it. But again, there's no use in ponder over the "why's". It's much better to try to find out how to smooth out the scars you obviously have taken with you. What helped me is to realize that there is a HUGE difference between self worth and selfesteem. Self esteem is what everybody thinks is "confidence". Taking pride in your accomplishements. But it's not of much use for stuff like "not feeling worthy of love". You can be a handsome millionaire and still feel worthless and unloveable. That's what happens if parents fail to make a CLEAR distinction between "you" and "your actions". You see, it makes a big difference if you tell a kid that he's an idiot vs. What you just did was idiotic. One tells him that he IS an idiot. Nothing you can do here, you are ALWAYS an idiot, no matter what you do. Out of your controle. kids are easily formed like that. Telling your son he's a bully 2 times might be enough to MAKE him a bully. On the other side, if a kid knows his ACTIONS are what you dissaprove of he can adjust and feels in controle. He also never questions that HE is still loveable. If you think you are a nice being that fucks up sometimes, that's alright. But if you think you are a failure per se, that's a problem.
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>>16947208
>I would happily run a train on your coked up body with several strapped ladies.
Maaaaan.... you got me a little wet there. Stawp it.
>For some reason I've had a hard time imagining this
I empathize... that feeling of "it can't happen" is primarily what motivated my rants. I've been called a pervert and put down and told I was wrong by so many people, people I loved and whose opinions I cared for, that I guess I let it poison me a bit.

It CAN happen. You exist right? You CAN find a woman who will scratch whatever itch you need to stay hard in bed while also being able to give you the love you want. If I were a girl, I could give it you, so that must mean there are women out there who can too right?

We can both find the women we need. I believe. Sometimes I just let the "it can't happen" poison seep back in.... but how can we find these women when we're sabotaging ourselves with our attitudes..?

In a way you've helped me believe me again, so thank you Anon.
> I would happily run a train on your coked up body with several strapped ladies.
Just the fact that you say it with confidence and believe it... I believe you. I just need to find said people now. #timetogotowork

Really though, nothing but love for you. keep going. stay faithful.
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>>16947217
I see where you're getting at Anon. Thankfully it still doesn't relate to me. I was pretty much the golden child; never failed, did good, volunteered for fun, read for fun, etc. Honestly one of the meanest things my mother did to me was mock my underarm odor in front of her twin and my issue with my father is an asshole a lot of the time, but to everyone to a pint where you just ignore his ranting and take everything he says as crazy talk.

If anything I'd guess my feelings of being unlovable that added to my initial forays into the sex scene comes from the intense bullying I went through for 5 years in school before HS. Though I find that a bit of a hard pill to swallow at this point in my life (hard for me to believe it still effects me, I've been over it for so long now)

Unsure about it all, but thanks for the input Anon, I appreciate it.

>>16947291
Get to it Anon, and good luck!
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