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How do I become more of an active participant in bed?
>be female
>be in late twenties
>just started becoming 'present' in bed
(I'm trying to keep this as sexless as possible, so I can get real advice.)
I was sexually abused as a child by my stepfather;
He would
>rub my body all over
>penetrate me with his hands (he tried his penis, but I was too small)
>lick my vagina and pussy
>put his penis between my legs when hard
>set me on top of him and rub his penis on me
>make me kiss his penis
>make me rub lotion on his penis
>make me massage his testicles while he got off
>make me rub his leg (between his balls and thigh)
I wanted to say all of this because I never have told anyone all of the detail in one go. Part of me worries some of my memories surrounding the abuse are missing, and I have heard of victims fabricating memories as well (which I have really tried to avoid, and therefore have only mentioned that which happened regularly over the 8 years of abuse).
I've been through so much therapy, I'm at a point where that is no longer helpful. I want to rewrite the connections I have with certain acts. My fiance is very understanding about this, and wants to help in any way that he can...he often worries that what he does will trigger flashbacks. While I do have flashbacks more often than not, they are not debilitating like they used to be--I'm usually able to push them aside by looking at my partner and coming back to the present moment.
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>>16919688
Problem being: my fiance usually initiates. When I initiate, I usually barely touch him with my hands, and then go down on him with my mouth (as that bit is not fully tainted--I never had my stepfather's penis in my mouth, thankfully).
Sometimes my fiance rubs my body and explores my 'privates', which brings flashbacks. I know he likes to do that, as he loves the female body...but I usually just lay there, and I'd like to do more. Is moving around strange (moving around as in, rubbing my body on the bed/on his limbs)?
I also want to touch him, but I am afraid of giving hand jobs, as I worry I'm bad at it.
Also, how do I say 'no' without hurting his feelings? Say, if I'm not in the mood...I have avoided this as my stepfather would say, "What, you don't love me?" and guilt me when I would refuse his touch. I love my partner a lot, and I don't want to hurt his feelings. Sometimes the flashbacks are a bit much, but I do avoid fully disclosing that as the reason, as I don't want to make him feel bad about 'triggering' me.
You can tell me I'm ruined, but I'm not. I've worked through a fuckton already, and I'm going to keep on chipping away at this beast. So helpful advice is more than welcome.
>inb4 kill yourself
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This problem might be beyond /adv/'s capacity.
Bumping anyhow.
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>>16919765
Eithout any bs advice? Sure, way off; though have you ever tried making the sensations connect with newer memories. To repress the old?
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>>16919785
I'm going to be trying this.
Just looked into encoding, and will be researching further.
Thanks.
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>>16919794
Np. Need to forget some shit myself. Kek.
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>>16919794
GL btw.
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>>16919688
>>rub my body all over
>>penetrate me with his hands (he tried his penis, but I was too small)
>>lick my vagina and pussy
>>put his penis between my legs when hard
>>set me on top of him and rub his penis on me
>>make me kiss his penis
>>make me rub lotion on his penis
>>make me massage his testicles while he got off
>>make me rub his leg (between his balls and thigh)
poast pics
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