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Please help me. Yesterday I finally officially broke up with

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Please help me. Yesterday I finally officially broke up with my ex who was also my best friend after a very horrible final months and I have been crying basically nonstop since.
I spent hours trying to read things that rationalize why ending it was the best thing I could do for both of us, especially myself.
I still can't shake how much I miss him, how scared I am to be completely alone in this merciless world. It feels so unfair. We both loved each other a great deal and neither of us wanted it to end but it just became so horribly toxic.
It doesn't really help that I don't really have any other close friends, I don't have a family, I have no one.
I don't know what to do.
I made the cleanest break a person possibly could yet i know deep in my heart there's still that naive thread of hope and desire to go crawling back, even though I know that is the worst thing I could do to myself.

I'm sorry I know this is super pathetic but this all happened right at the beginning of my winter break so I can't even talk to the shitty therapists I occasionally see at school. So I'm here.
Being completely alone with nothing but an abusive mother during the holidays doesn't exactly fucking help either. Especially when I was supposed to spend New Years with him.
Fuck I want to die so badly to be honest familiars
>>
In retrospect there's probably nothing someone here could tell me that would help I am just thrashing around desperately at this point it just hurts so much and my life and I am a fucking mess
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