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am I redeemable as a person?

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i'll try to keep this as short as I can and answer any questions about it, since there's more too it but nobody likes reading long ass posts.

Last night my bf invited me to his place for a small party with a couple of other people, one of which I was already friends with and the other 2 people were my bf's best friend and his girlfriend.

The night started out with some weed smoking, I didn't really take a part in it as it's not really my thing, plus the fact that I only went due to being pressured and to make my bf happy. Later on however, I did decide I would smoke weed and afterward, everyone went back to my bf's room to hang out.

Feeling pretty high at this point, and me being me, weed sorta has really negative effects on me. I ended up having a few huge panic attacks and being extremely hostile towards my bf's friends, which is something I'd never usually do. My thoughts towards the violent outburst were because, me having pretty bad anxiety I was already nervous around them, plus they were acting really strange with me all night by glaring at me, smirking at me, ignoring me and just generally leaving me out of the group. With this on top of being pretty high I guess you could say that was the reason I got so pissed off.

This went on the entire night, me trying to make conversation and my bf's friends completely ignoring me, making me feel paranoid and having another panic attack with some aggressive undertones.

I'm diagnosed with major depressive disorder and social anxiety, to maybe try and explain where this kinda stemmed from.

So yeah, i'm feeling pretty damn shitty about myself, and was wondering if there was any way for me to prevent this from happening in the future, i've already had a long talk with my bf and he understands, since i've been dealing with some shit, but it still doesn't make me any less of an asshole.
Yes, don't smoke weed.
The problem is this notion of yours that "I" did something.
If you're not an asshole, generally, you get the benefit of the doubt when you randomly act out. Just don't do it again. For bonus points, message the people you think you offended and say something like "hey, I'm really sorry I was rude last night, I was kind of having an anxiety attack and weed always makes me panic so I was lashing out. it's no excuse, just thought I owed you an explanation. take care and I'm sorry."

>am I redeemable as a person?
I mean this in the best possible way: cut the drama. This isn't that big a deal.

Once I pushed my best friend into a table (full of drinks) because I thought he had his arm around my girlfriend. I was drunk. It was his girlfriend. I don't drink that much anymore.

You are fine.
Going there was a bad idea, looks like those guys thought the same.
Good riddance though, looks like your bf will need new friends.
No need to get bent out of shape over it, but there's no reason you should get pressured into something you don't want in the first place. Sure, you handled it poorly, but they weren't very accomodating either.
Actually, yeah, I realized I was making an assumption in my post, which was that her anxiety (and the weed paranoia) was getting the better of her and she was overblowing how unfriendly they were being.

If your boyfriend concurs, or you're absolutely sure, OP, then definitely don't shoot them that apology text. Fuck'em and move on.
There are some people whose anxiety and depression are helped by the right dosage of weed. Unfortunately it sounds like you're not one of them. So you should probably quit weed for good.

Your bf's friends might not want to be around you for a while. It sucks but just take it in stride. Staying off weed and being your normal chill self is the best way to get back in their good graces, even if it's just indirectly, i.e. your bf noticing that you seem much more stable w/o weed and mentioning it to his friends.

One thing you might do is either apologise to them directly or have your bf relay an apology to them, and let them know you're embarrassed by how you acted, the weed fucked with your anxiety, and you won't be smoking anymore. Then just leave it at that. If they forgive you and start inviting you to parties again, super. If not, well, shit just works out like that sometimes.

Fellow depressed/anxiousfag here, keep fighting the good fight OP.
Also as to whether you're redeemable as a person: Of course. Everybody fucks up, the important thing is realising it and working on improving.
>Have major depressive disorder
>Use a downer
>Surprised it goes wrong.

it wasn't the first time I've smoked weed, didn't expect it to go that way this time.

also, thanks for the advice, I've ended up messaging them and apologising. Whether I was right or wrong, I'm not too bothered anymore, I'll live
You do realise weed can make you paranoid? So it's hard to say if these people were actually rude or if it was the mixture of being paranoid and anxious may have caused you to notice things and taking it the wrong way completely. Also, if they were genuinely being rude it does not excuse you to be hostile towards them no matter what mental health problems you may have/ how high you are. I know it's harder to be tolerant of people that aren't nice towards you when you have a mental health problem, I've been there too, but their the ones that are acting inadequate and you shouldn't put yourself in a position that'll lower yourself to it. If you know weed has a bad effect on you then do not smoke it.
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