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Help my confused ass, please?

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My BF hardly ever talks to me anymore, and I'm not sure why. I constantly try to engage him in conversations, ask him if he wants to go do things he likes (exercise), etc.

I just don't know what to say anymore. I don't want to give up a four year relationship because we're having some communication issues.

Any thoughts or questions?
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>>16580683
These are the options
>your personality/antics annoy him
>no longer interested in a relationship with you
>has a side bitch
>you've gotten fat
>>
>"You hardly talk to me anymore. Is there something wrong?"

And then you go from there. Be adamant, get a response out of him.

Also, there must be more to this story, right? Something you are not telling?
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>>16580693
My personality hasn't changed since we met.
I've talked with him about that, if he wanted to split up but he just stays silent. Sometimes he'll say, "Thank you, Anon, for not giving up on me."
Impossible. We're together 24/7.
Same weight as when we met.
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>>16580683
>>16580683
you need to talk to him about this. a relationship is a lot of fucking work, but in actuality all friendships are but people don't think it's important to talk about every single thing that bothers you, big or small. and then relationships become dysfunctional and cannot last or be entirely fulfilling in that phase (like when you can't feel comfortable to go to your boyfriend or friend and say you know, i try to engage in conversations and ask if you want to do something but there seems to be something in the way. you need to talk to him, be open and honest. see if it's something in the way, or it may sadly be that he's just not mature enough to want to take a relationship as serious as it needs to be and staying in a relationship like that will only hurt both people. relationships are always going to be tough, and there's some people who when they happens are willing to do the self-sacrifice because they love the other so much. he may not feel comfortable to talk to you about something so you'd need to make him comfortable, or it may be that he's seen it get tough and feels he can only look out for himself but doesn't want to cut the relationship or doesn't know how. i wish you luck, because i lost my 4 year relationship due to some of these problems i discussed =/ made me realize just how many people aren't ready for a relationship at my age (24)
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>>16580698
I've tried that approach numerous times to no avail. He just stays silent.
He's recently been going to the therapist/psychiatrist, but even I'm there with him every visit and he gladly opts for me to go in with him. Still, even when he's there he's rather silent. I told him I wouldn't at all be offended if he opted me to sit out, but he said he likes it better when I'm in there with him.
As for the reason he's going, his mother wanted him to go so I talked him into going because of his silence. All he says is he has a lot on his mind, but never speaks it... So it's hard for me to fully understand.
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>>16580704
Has some mental issues then, prolly good old aunt depression. Alas it can be his strategy to end the relationship without actually ending it
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>>16580704

>I've talked with him about that, if he wanted to split up but he just stays silent. Sometimes he'll say, "Thank you, Anon, for not giving up on me."

That's pretty indicative. He is no longer interested, or at least to the point of not trying anymore. It might be time to seriously consider alternative routes (such as termination of relationship) and have a serious talk.
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>>16580709
I can't stress how much I've tried to get him to talk. I will ask him how his day is, only to get a one word response. I've asked him if he wants (example) cake or pie, only to get silence. I haven't given up on asking, believe me. I'm always open and honest, and I make sure to tell him how his silence makes me feel (in a calm manner), but he just avoids it.
It really bothers me because I just don't know what to do but I want to do everything in my power to make him feel good and comfortable.
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>>16580714
>>16580713

That seems to explain it. He's apathetic/depressed to some extent. He does want help, but a relationship? Not really at the moment.
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>>16580714
That's what the therapists and such diagnosed him as. He has stated suicidal thoughts, and it terrifies me. They suggested a place where they watch over you, but they felt it wasn't that extreme yet.

>>16580716
I've told him before if he wanted to end our relationship that I would still be there for him if he needed someone to talk to or anything, but he never gives me a definitive statement... just silence. I want to be as considerate as possible.
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>>16580722
But he will sometimes say how appreciative he is of how I've not given up on him... I'd hate to do just that, ya know?
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>>16580719
with how you've said everything to him that you said to us in your first comment, it seems you need to say what you said in this message too. it is hard, very hard. and i understand that. but you sacrificing your happiness because he is depressed isn't okay. my girlfriend had to talk to me about how much harder it makes things and it brought me to explaining what's in my mind more like your boyfriend needs to. that way she could give me pep talks when i wasn't feeling okay. you need to find out if your boyfriend is willing to be a team player or if he isn't ready to be in a relationship with his depression. i wish it didn't have to be confrontational, and it certainly doesn't have to be "lets see how this one conversation goes and if poorly then leave him" but you do need to accept the fact that if you're sacrificing yourself for him perpetually, you're not going to be okay in the long run. and if one person isn't okay in a relationship and nothing can be done about it, it's not fair to either to keep it going
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>>16580719

Yep. Definitely depressed. Do not take it personally. His silence is his way of coping with his depression.

That leaves you in a pickle, because you cannot get what you want out of this relationship for the time being. Who knows how long this will last.

It seems you have three choices:

1. Be supportive and help him through this, hope that he turns around.
2. Be supportive and help him through this, but make it clear his depression is having a detrimental effect on the relationship to the extent that you are unfulfilled in your needs. Tell him potential consequences and see if situation gets better. This might worsen his depression. If he does not turn around, decide whether to leave or not.
2. Cut him loose and leave him be.
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"Thank you, Anon, for not giving up on me."
Your boyfriend is depressed^^, ask him what's going on with him, it's not you, it's something that isn't all right with him
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>>16580745
I did, and I broke down (which I hardly ever do) which made him speak up. I don't think he fully realized how much I was upset over it all since I try my best to keep myself together and upbeat for him. Basically he said that he was unmotivated and has no energy, yet he has so much going on in his head.

>>16580750
I try not to take it personally, but it does hurt deep down to feel like you're not very helpful to their issue at hand.

>>16580760
Even the therapist gets the same treatment I do: silence, or very few words. But I did speak with him and he told me how he was feeling, so that's a plus.
>>
I have the opposite problem, how do I get my BF to shut up for a minute? Our usual conversation goes like this. He's green.

>I really like the undertones of this movie, especially the parts involving man's desire for control
Yeah, that was cool, I really liked the effects and-
>and it says a lot about the characters that they made the choices they did, very good characterization. The first act was a little dawdling though.
I agree, but at least it really picked up towards-
>That ending really tied it all together, though I wish the twist wasn't so obvious.
I saw that coming from a mile away, especially the part about-
>and he continues talking. And talking. And talking.

Basically he doesn't listen to anything that I say. I'm just a pair of ears, and if I try to interject with my own oppinion, he interrupts me and keeps talking like I had never said anything at all. Its gotten to the point where I don't even bother speaking during these 'conversations', because what's the fucking point? I've talked to him about it seriously and told him that I feel like he doesn't listen, he just says that he gets stuck on a train of thought and has to speak it out loud to work through it.

Honestly, I'm an introvert. I don't have a lot to say, but I thought that my fucking boyfriend of all people would actually listen to me when I speak. He makes me feel like a ghost when he does this, and I understand that maybe he's just thinking out loud, or doesn't want to have a discussion, but when he doesn't even acknowledge that I've said something it really damages my self esteem. Its gotten to the point where I just grunt in affirmation or give a generic 'yeah' or 'cool', and I don't think he even notices or cares. He just keeps talking and sometimes I just want to shout at him to shut up about inane bullshit. Christ.

tl;dr: BF doesn't listen, won't shut up. What do?
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>>16580789
i'm glad you've gone as far as you have, and i can see you've realized a lot more than the average person does before coming to adv for suggestions. you're in the type of situation where there's only so much someone like me or anyone else can help. it's truly up to your boyfriend, whether he'll be a team player or not. you need to get him to understand that if he doesn't be proactive about opening up about whats going on his his head that makes him depressed every time something comes up then he's hurting both of you by not being honest. it is very hard to open up when depressed and it even takes forcing oneself to, but that has to happen as a result of compassion and respect for the other person and the relationship. there's not much more i can say than before, either he's going to be a team player or not. you can let him know it's okay if he doesnt have the instinct to open up at first and that it's normal. and to just explain himself when you bring up that you can tell something is bothering him, rather than staying silent. he needs to kick being silent (and for the most part, well at least to start, after questioning him out of concern and catching when he's upset) or else there's no way to help him or for things to work out. it's like trying to live life on a scale of not pushing things too far on him being overwhelmed and you biting off more than you can handle in order to not make him overwhelmed. if the scales are going to hit the floor on both sides no matter what, it can't work. but if they can be kept off it then there's a chance
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>>16580812
OP here, and I'm not even sure how to tell you of how to respond to that situation because I've never been in that.

Possibly try speaking to him seriously that you feel like you're not being heard, or that he needs to tone it down a bit?
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>>16580812

For a start don't hijack a thread.

>>16580789

Obviously being closer isn't helping, how about trying the opposite and giving him more space. Sometimes less is more.

>>16580823

Spacing motherfucker, learn it.
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>>16580823
I truly appreciate everything you've said, and what others have as well. It's helped me get a boost and realize some more things. I even added to him that we're a team, and I can only do so much before I need him to speak up. That was a great insight into the situation, and I really think it helped him open up; even a little is more than none, so I'm very thankful.
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>>16580812
it could be his ego or it could be how overwhelmingly excited he has you to explain things to and share things with or both. you have to determine which it is, because he could partially or wholly be being naive which is sweet in a way. or he could be self-centered partially or in whole and just not realized it. depending on what's going on, you need to explain what's happening to him. no need for trying to push guilt really, cause if he should feel guilty then that should come out from an objective but compassionate explanation. if he didn't, well that's a big sign that he needs a lot of help and you have to decide if you have it in you to. but in any case you really need to take that first step and see if he acknowledges your feelings. some people are terrible at taking the hint when they're wrapped up in something but do care, and others don't, and many are inbetween.
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>>16580831
>Obviously being closer isn't helping, how about trying the opposite and giving him more space. Sometimes less is more.
I have tried that approach before as well, and it just made him more irritable because his thoughts were becoming too much.
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>>16580834
i'm glad i could help and i wish i could more but it's okay that i can't. it should be up to you two to see things through, but at the same time everyone needs support. i'm not on here 24/7 but plenty of people give genuine advice and as you move forward with everything don't hesitate to look for support here or elsewhere. clearly, you're not the type of person to crutch on support so i'd say if you're unsure about whether it's a time to ask for an outside opinion, it probably has been for a little while already. if there's anything else you wanted to ask about feel free. right now it seems like what you brought up before is something that needs to see how it pans out moving forward. it will take you reminding your boyfriend about being a team just about every time he has a problem with how silent he is, but you can let him know how much it means to you both every time too so you two can not take small things for granted and hold onto how serious and difficult relationships can be, yet even more so rewarding and beneficial
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>>16580839

Well unless you know the source, and how to fix it, the only thing you can do is try distract him.

Personally when I've got shit on my mind going into nature helps a fuck ton. If you have a car why don't you take him somewhere secluded with a view and just sit.
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