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I love you but

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Big question /adv/.

I'm engaged to a wonderful guy who has been there with me for every up and down. Even through my big application to med school. We've lived together for over two years now and the wedding is planned in 7 months. My issue? Over the four years we've been dating, he has gained about 80 pounds, the last 60 in the past year for some reason. He is right in the middle of the overweight BMI, but hasn't hit obese yet. I started bringing up eating healthier, under the guise of a female thing, and me being concerned about my weight. No change in his diet but I now love celery and PB. I started bringing up exercise. I now bike a mile a day, but no change in him. Five months ago, I came clean and told him his weight was starting to make me uncomfortable. Well, now I'm the bad person.
Truth be told, yes, he is starting to feel unattractive because of his weight gain. On the other hand, every person in his family has a history of DM and HTN, the leading cause of renal failure.
So, TL;DR
Do I keep persisting about his weight or do I suck it up and accept him for the loveable bear that he is?
Even if I did keep persisting, is there anyway to get him to change?

I love you, N
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The way I see it, you've really done all you can. You've been subtle about it, and you've been upfront about it in a tactful way. Now you can either accept it or break things off if you can't handle his weight, because if he doesn't lose weight now, he sure as hell won't after the wedding. Maybe give him one last chance and tell him you're seriously not okay with the weight and you might have to break things off if he doesn't lose it? That might cause resentment however
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Uh, neither. You postpone the wedding and immediately seek couple's counseling as the final attempt to get through to him.

You are absolutely not a bad person for saying "You've changed in such a way that isn't attractive to me." Obviously you're attracted to the WAY someone is and not simply their identity as a human being. If the way a person looks and behaves changes then so do the circumstances of your attraction.

But you also don't nag forever. You ask for change one time. You then give that person a fair opportunity to consider, decide and try. You even help them if they do decide to change. But that's it. That's your one shot. If they don't want to change or even want to consider changing, asking again won't make a difference. It'll only be a nag. Instead you accept this person for the decisions which they've made and make up your own mind about them as a result.

If he's unwilling to change when you ask him and unwilling to change when a counselor explains it (or if he doesn't want to talk to a professional at all) then you walk the fuck away. Game over. This is not a debatable conclusion here unless you actually hate yourself and want a lifetime of misery.

Either way, wedding is on hold until there's a decision to change and evidence for following through on that. Absolutely do not keep the 7 month timetable. That's not feasible.
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>>16550133
Well, that would also be one hell of an empty threat. I mean, I love him. Honestly, if he became paralyzed tomorrow I wouldn't leave the guy, even if it meant helping him to the damn toilet three times a day. I don't want to reach an ultimatum, is there any other way?
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>>16550149
Like I said, it looks like you've done all you can. You can postpone the wedding like >>16550147 suggested to give him time, but he's not going to change unless he has some sort of push, since being subtle and being straight with him hasn't worked.
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>>16550147
Well...when you plan a wedding you have to lock down the venue a year in advance...
Unfortunately, we've already done that. And booked a photog, DJ. Florist appointment next month. The timetable on the wedding can't be changed. The counselor sounds like a good idea. My fear is that when I brought up a gym membership and a trainer, the answer was an irrefutable no. Is there a chance he'd say no to this? Is there a way I can phrase it so he'll sorta consider it?
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>>16550149
That's a false comparison, but if you insist on using it then let's really smack you in the face with it:

Let's say you marry, have kids and then he becomes a reckless manic daredevil. He gets paralyzed doing some crazy stunt. Now your children don't get to have a proper experience growing up with their father and the financial/time burdens on the family limit their opportunities and potential. Sure, you wouldn't leave the guy. Tell me with a straight face you wouldn't hate him for damaging the future of your marriage and your children.

Because that's exactly what's happening right here. He's making an active decision which is highly likely to leave your future children growing up without a father. Hello. Wake the fuck up lady. You can punish yourself all you want but are you going to punish your future family too? That's the analogy to make here. It's not "oh I love him so much." It's "his decisions are going to hurt other people."
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>>16550160
I know how weddings work.

You don't fucking marry someone like this because you made appointments and paid deposits you dumbass. "Oh I want to be miserable with a tub of lard and be widowed by 35 because I WON'T GET BACK MY $200 DEPOSIT AND THE INVITATIONS WILL HAVE TO CHANGE."
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How does he feel about it?
>I'm not fat you're just imagining things
>I know I'm fat but I want to be
>I'm fat but I don't know how to lose weight
>I'm fat but I can't lose weight
etc
Either way, warn him earnestly about gaining even more weight. The more you gain, the harder it is to lose for a variety of reasons. Also, consider that weight loss is really hard. Not the actual eating less/exercising more thing, but it basically works like a drug addiction. It's easy for an outsider to say "just don't smoke", it's a lot harder to do.
Few people are able lose weight and maintain their lower weight for more than a year.
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Well OP, it sounds like you've made up your mind that you're not going to leave him or give him an ultimatum no matter what, so I guess you're going to have to suck it up and deal with evergrowing waistline. All I'm hearing is "I can't do X because Y" for every suggestion. I really don't know why you asked for advice in the first place. We realise you love this guy and don't want to leave him just because of his weight or give him an ultimatum, but there's not much else you can do other than drop the issue.
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>>16550162
Ok, ok. Back up. I don't see him dying at 35. I don't see myself having kids either. I see him reaching the BMI of obese by 35. I see him on metformin or atenolol by 30. My question remains though. If he was uncomfortable with a trainer and a gym, how will he take the counselor? Is there a way to get him to consider? This so far seems like the best course of action.
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>>16550179
The counselor so far seems like the best plan. I just want to figure out a way to phrase it. How do I convince a guy who wouldn't see a professional on weight loss see a professional on marriages?
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>>16550174
>Few people are able lose weight and maintain their lower weight for more than a year.
Amen. This is especially the reason why I find that keeping the current wedding date is laughable. Specifically for the sake of wedding photos people will try crazy unsustainable diets and then balloon back up. Let's say she "gets through to him" and he cares enough to drop a couple dozen pounds by July. Once they tie the knot he's free to give up. Seven months is not enough time to be confident that the guy has really internalized the need for change.

And, in complete honesty, it's not like they're going to be rescheduling anyway. The guy is going to refuse counseling the same way he refused a trainer. At best he'll go a couple times and give up. Call off the wedding because it's not likely to happen at all.
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You put on a fuck ton of weight during med school and after being a doc. It is not a healthy job to be in. Just both start exercising together and being active for a mental health boost at the very least. Been there, done that, still paying for the divorce and still doctoring
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>>16550182
The man put on 80 pounds and your response to a larger point about "love conquers all" is that you don't plan to have kids.

Lady, you're fucking deluding yourself. Thank God that your shambles of a marriage will distract you so bad that you'll never make it through school and residency. I literally would not have any faith in a doctor like you.
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>>16550185
It really doesn't sound like he'll bite, but you have nothing to lose by trying. All I can suggest is saying "hey, your weight really bothers me and I'm seriously reconsidering our relationship about it, if you won't see a professional about your weight, will you see a professional about our relationship?"
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>>16550186
>>16550174
>Few people are able lose weight and maintain their lower weight for more than a year.
That's really for people who have gradually put on weight though, throughout their lives, because it involves making huge changes to their lifestyle. This is a guy who put on 60 lbs in a year, which is probably due to something else, or at least it will be easier to change his lifestyle because he's not as habituated to it.
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>>16550191
I'm not entirely clear how my ability to work as a doctor and my ability to be a wife are not separate. You all can't be honestly expecting me to say, "sorry hon, you're too fat. I know you stood by me as puked before my interview and you've done nothing but put my dreams at the front of your priority list, but the pudge is too much."
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Get over yourself! Your planning to marry this great guy and mad that he has gained weight. Well what are you going to do when he ages 50 years over then next 50 years? People change, you either love the person or you dont. He could have a health issue now, or in the future. You could also be an anorexic twit with your work outs and celery. News flash... men's height weight chart is skewed toward being a puny wimp. My husband is about 25 pounds over that chart recommendation and I'm happy about that bc he is hot, strong and bigger than me. What are you trying to share jeans with your man? He should be big and you should be loving and accepting. Do you think you are unattracted to him bc you feel your hot shit bc you workout and eat celery? Finding a good guy who will stay by you is far more important than a man who needs to workout often and stare in the mirror all day. Guess what that attracts??! Other women! Be glad you have a man who wants to marry you and stop being a superficial twat. Appreciate your teddy bear before some other woman takes him right from.under your nose. It will happen quicker than you think if you keep making him feel bad about his looks. As long as he feel good that's all you need to worry about you bitch.
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>>16550232
>>>/tumblr/
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>>16550199
Something I've been wondering. What caused him to put on so much weight in one year? His diet did not change drastically, he doesn't lounge for 8 hours a day. I mean, if i find a source it would help a lot.
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>>16550246
How old is he? If he's mid-late 20s, it might just be that his body no longer allows him to eat the same shit he did when he was younger without gaining weight. Other than that, it might be something hormonal or otherwise medical, coupled with genetic predisposition to gaining weight. Whatever it is, it's probably best he sees a doctor and has tests run because weight gain that quickly is not normal
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>>16550255
He's 24. His bili was up the slightest, but glucose and renal function was normal. They say repeat check in 6 months, but so far basic blood work is OK. I was worried, still am though
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>>16550121
>80 fucking pounds
Demand him to lose weight. If he refuses, then just dump him. If my gf took that half that much weight and refused to do anything about it that's what I'd do. I know that sounds hard, but if he can't at least do that then he doesn't deserve anything. If he has no respect for you or himself, it's just going to get worse with the time and you'll end up marrying a fat slob.
Losing weight isn't that hard, especially for a man. Tell him to join a swimming club or go run a little bit at the stadium or something. Cardio is always good. 2-3 hours in a week is nothing and even with a fucked up diet it should be more than enough to start losing weight.
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>>16550232
His weight is not normal for his height and I'm worried. It's not muscle mass, it's fat. If he gained muscle mass through the right exercise and diet, I'd be fine. But it's not, so I'm worried
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>>16550216
Your loyalty is commendable. Seriously. But I question your attitude towards relationships. Most people on here would agree that you should remain by your partner when they're going through a rough patch. Most people on here would also agree that you are entitled to expect that your partner remain REASONABLY fit and attractive, assuming health permits; the two aren't mutually incompatible.

Let's get fucking real here, this isn't like a guy threatening to leave his wife because she's not keeping her perfect hourglass figure, it's somebody displaying blatant disregard for their own health and their relationship. I'm not telling you to leave him, but the only love that should be unconditional is parental love; it is frankly unhealthy to declare that leaving him is permanently off the table.
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>>16550274
It is a lot of weight. Gym didn't work out, but as someone suggested, the counselor is an option. One to bring up tonight. But as someone else said, that much weight gain could be something else
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I gained 70 lbs within a year, but I was fucking pregnant. It's crazy to gain that much that quickly on your own. Has he been showing symptoms of depression or anything like that? He should see a doctor, maybe a psychiatrist.

If I were you, I'd try to exercise with him. Ask him to go on short walks with you a few times a week first, then gradually increase the distance.

Also, who's doing the cooking? Do you eat separately or order out a lot? You might want to try cooking healthy recipes for both of you. If you do the grocery shopping, don't buy soda or junk food.
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>>16550288
What breaks marriages should be things that are irreparable. Infidelity is a good reason. You've gained weight is not. However, I agree with everyone that he has gained a large amount of weight and it needs to go. The question s I have left are, are there any ideas where it came from? What can this counselor offer? What if he refuses after counseling?
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>>16550307
I did try walks, but it lasted a week. Afterwards it was, I'm too tired, I don't wanna.
However, the cooking I took hold of. Pasta or potatoes were cut in half. Chips gone, celery instead (pardon the celery haters). He loves his coca cola. I stopped buying it but a 12 pack finds it's way to the fridge. Is that really enough though if I changed two of the three meals a day? Now I did start fixing the meals 6 months ago ish
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>>16550320
Soda is one of the easiest ways to sabotage an otherwise healthy diet. It should be a rare treat, not a daily staple. You could try getting him Coke Zero, it's not bad as far as calorie-free drinks go.

>too tired
>to walk a short distance
He sounds like a wreck, to be honest. Unless his job is very exhausting, like maybe he's moving things around a warehouse all day (which it sounds like he doesn't) or is stuck at work for an ungodly shift, it should be no trouble at all to walk for half an hour a few times a week.
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>>16550121
Sounds like he has put you first so long he is neglected himself and is depressed
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>>16550308
>gaining weight and refusing to lose it isn't irreparable
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>>16550346
He's a school admin. Desk job, unfortunately. I'm a tech in the local ER, so I always thought I had an unfair advantage being on my feet far more. I kinda wondering about the depression thing too now. Guess there's a lot too talk about over dinner. Is there a real chance the counselor will work?
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>>16550320
Coke zero! The soda is where he's going wrong. Sugar drinks turn right to fat.
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>>16550364
A tech or a doctor on rotation? When you said med school that implied doctor/dentist
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>>16550364
There's an excellent chance the counselor will work. People don't just change their behaviors suddenly for no reason. Back when I was a student and eating insane crap like frozen pizza and ramen every night I put on a lot of weight, but absent lifestyle changes like that, if somebody quickly gains a lot of weight it suggests either something medical (which naturally I'd feel a little silly lecturing you about) or stress or depression, which of course can be one and the same. So assuming (and this is a big if) he's willing to open up and work with the counselor, I do think you have a good chance here.

As regards leaving him, I want to be quite clear: nobody is telling you to up and walk. That would be absurd. But you keep asking, "what if he doesn't do X" (won't try the counselor, what if junk food keeps finding its way into the house) and dude, the only answer we can give you is, if he absolutely refuses to work with you, you fire the only real ammunition you have. No, not leaving him; sitting him down and telling him, look, I don't know what's going on. I'm really trying here but this situation is starting to threaten the relationship.

You can't control your partner, he's an adult. You can coax and nudge and support him but the most you can control is your participation in the relationship. If that's unilaterally off the table then that's fine, but then please stop asking "what if he doesn't cooperate", it's frustrating and it only. has. one. answer.
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>>16550352
That sounds awful. I mean, that's a real possibility but I feel terrible
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there's no way to make him lose the weight until HE wants to. he's gotta find the motivation in himself to lose the pounds. why do women think they can change men all the time... once a man is set in his ways, he gonna stay that way for life. my assumption is that he felt safe and knew you weren't going anywhere, so he decided to go "free willy" on his food consumption. like hell yeah, men do it too... its why you gotta humble them sometimes and let him know he gotta keep up his share of the job on being attractive early on in the relationship. or else, you setting him up on some bad habits... never let a man feel completely safe or you end up with a fool like jabba here.

but hell, if you like him so much, just deal with it. maybe he'll come around in a few years after he see some fat mama standing in line at taco bell smelling like death while having his same order. or maybe he'd just go "right on" and make more love to his food than he does to you. i dunno. at least when he dies, you can use the money you inherited from him to take care of like 12 cats for life. but knowin you, you'll probably let them cats get fat too lol, and i hope you marry them. "mmmmmmaaacdonalds", they gonna chirp lol
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>>16550379
Still in the application process. Building resume with tech work for now, along with the usual. Got two interviews, wait list on one, no answer yet on the other.
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>>16550393
>marry 12 cats
>they gonna chirp macdonalds

I'm confused. I can't decide if you actually think you're clever/funny, or if this is a ruse to convince us that you're underage, or if you actually are underage, or if you're making such a dumb joke ironically.
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>>16550415
>not marrying your cats
>especially if they can say macdonalds
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>>16550415
He's just an idiot. Ignore him.
He only wants you to reply, so don't give him that.
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>>16550423
I will say this. ..we already have two cats. Only need ten more. Maybe that will make him less depressed
Thread posts: 44
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