/vpwt/: "Shhh..." Edition
>post fanfics you like.
>share your own fics, ask for advice, post story updates.
>discuss writerly struggles with fellow writefriends.
Join us in IRC at [ #vpwritethread on irc.rizon.net ] to discuss your fics, hang out and chat, and be frightened by the regulars!
Check out the catalog for a directory of fics from fellow writefags,
>Can I post NSFW fics?
Absolutely! There are no rules against NSFW text links.
>How should I post my fics?
Please, for the convenience of everyone involved, link to a host like Fanfiction.net, Pastebin or Google Docs rather than dumping your fics in text posts. This not only keeps the thread tidy (and keeps you from getting an infraction for spam), but it also provides a more permanent place to store your work.
>Can I add a fic I wrote to the catalog?
Sure! Check the catalog for the submission link. In there, you can find a link to a Google Form - fill out all the necessary information and it will be submitted for review automatically. Technology is incredible!
We're also looking to collect ideas for fanfics as a resource for stumped writers. Feel free to throw an idea out there; someone may choose to use it themselves!
Topic of the Thread: How much noise can you tolerate when reading or writing a fic? Must there be absolute silence or can you get used to the noise around you?
Silence is golden, but how long does it take before it drives you mad with greed?
Anyway, here's a recap:
An anon with a lot of freetime wrote a quick snippet of teasing a no-pants Roselia. SFW
Another anon wrote a short Delphox smut based off a certain series of pictures. NSFW
Blackout anon greets us with a short fic of that Beauty Trainer addicted to ass grabs. Suggestive but SFW
Onatu creates a oneshot about an Abomasnow doing one last job before retiring. Guess how that ends. SFW
An anon took on an odd job, creating a smut involving all the protagonist girls. In progress, NSFW
Leah is asking for suggestions on how to improve her story about her character trying to recover her memory. SFW
An anon is asking for critique about a story involving a Metang managing a library while dealing with supposed stereotypes. SFW
A lowly fag from /pmdg/ shares with us Mawile's diary of exploring Arceus's Mystery Dungeon. SFW
SpookyMisdreavus magically appeared out of nowhere, giving us a lewd involving Gardenia's love of nature, literally. NSFW
Unown adds more chapters to Fledlings.
BoredWriterGuys continues on with his adventure fic
Thank goodness you're back, Moth.
My apologies to the highly patient authors who have been waiting for their fics to be added to the catalog. I've been slacking. As of now, everything's all caught up - fics by Alisson, Vile Slanders, Venia Silente, ThatGuyWithThatOneAshfic and newcomer Mimiga have been added to their proper spots in the catalog.
I can't think without pumping music into my ears, but I also can't think if my music is too energetic or has vocals to distract me. I tend to keep a separate playlist for writing/thinking music in my library.
No sounds! Only me and my music. The drone of the outside and neighbors passing by is no problem, but the moment things get loud, everything shuts down.
Welp, fuck that. Here's my last attempt.
TL:DR : Choose five so I can write a short story about them in my fic
Fuck everything else.
I recall a preview of Burgly forcing Roxie to go camping with her, but I for the life of me can't remember the pastebin link or the author. Otherwise I'm not sure if it has been done. There might be some trainer adventure fics that have elements of it, but doesn't have it as the major focus.
Mimiga's PMD fic features a party of Pokemon on a rough adventure up Destiny Tower (but it contains PSMD spoilers, so don't read it if you haven't played that game and plan on doing so):
>People actually recommending others my fics
Is this the future? Have I achieved omnipotence?
You got it boss. What's this place's general consensus on chapter fics situated in Pastebin? Would I end up with kind of a directory bin as the catalog placeholder and edit it with chapter links as I went on?
DAILY MORPHICFAG SHILLING, GARDEFAG/AURADOGFAGS ON SUICIDE WATCH:
>A bunch of drunk scientists create human/pokemon hybrids, and a bunch of pissed off christfags try and kill them.
>Also includes a series of extra shorts about one of the scientists chatting up the scyther hybrid.
doing a quick search on FFN, this one seems to be of some quality.
You can also look around, but beware quality isn't guaranteed for whatever you find out there.
Could someone please write a foot fetish fic about Maylene? You'd think something like it would already exist at this point, but it doesn't.
Maybe it could be about any fans she has lusting after her feet and being oblivious as to why? That is, until she allows them to indulge themselves thinking it was harmless before they reveal their actual intentions.
You got your idea, now write the fic yourself. Yesterday you said tomorrow, so just DO IT!
>Rock, Paper, Scissors is instead Rock, Fighting, Flying
>Instead of hand gestures it's body movements and stances because fuckers don't have hands sometimes
I know somewhere it's been done already, but damn if I'm not going to steal that idea immediately
I love little things like this. You just have to make sure not to go too overboard with it - a chance-based game like RPS having a Pokemon equivalent is reasonable enough, but for instance reading "Hold your Ponyta" in PSMD made me cringe a little. Exercise caution when drawing idiomatic parallels like that.
Victory Fire is a webcomic, not prose, but it does involve Shadow Pokemon (and even strictly in the Orre games' sense, not just generic evil/possessed Pokemon).
BoredWriterGuy here. Chapter Seven is complete.
A slower chapter this time around, a bit more light-hearted.
Forgive mistakes, will edit once I sleep.
As always, enjoy and critique. Or hate, either all.
Retard here. I've had several ideas for some sort of Pokèmon fic and while I constantly think about it I doubt that I have the skills necessary in order to do it justice or make it palatable to most people.
Should I just go ahead and write stuff and see how it goes? Or should I keep being a faggot and do nothing? I've never wrote a fic before.
The former. Get that steaming pile of shit down on a page, no matter how terrible you think it is as you're writing. THEN go back and edit, or send it to us for critique. Anything's better than nothing.
That's a tough one.
Do pokemon follow a human sense of morality?
How good of a relationship did the trainer have with their pokemon before this incident?
What reason would the trainer have to commit a crime, let alone one that would cost them everything when they're already basically at the top of the world?
Is it done with good intentions that are misunderstood? Or are they otherwise forced into doing it?
Alright anons. I'll try my best and try to write this shit and see how bad it can get. English ain't even my first language. Will probably post a page/chapter tomorrow or something.
I should have called for dubs to appear
Yeah that's true.
I was thinking of the trainer doing something world-conquest tier bad. Like something pulled off by one of the Teams, but done on his own.
I was thinking a psychic pokemon knowing what his owner could do and knowing what he was capable of decide that it's owner is danger to everything alive.
he'd had to do something REALLY bad for something like that to happen. Not just world conquest, but probably be a threat to the entire planet, something that would even top AZ's machine that wiped out almost everything levels of bad.
If his partner is a psychic type, I would assume they would forsee this and try to stop it asap.
Perhaps they joined the trainer in the hopes to curve such a bad future?
That only makes me want to see some Red Chain bullshit, but I digress since they're my favorite legendaries. Also they probably aren't a typical choice for a starter pokemon.
nah, I dont see a psychic type "forseeing the future and trying to prevent it" but i could see a sceptile or an empoleon or a charizard or a feraligatr BTFOing their trainer after they learn of their evil deeds
I'm assuming murder of a loved one, rape, mass killings, something insanely fucked up
am i the only anon here who enjoys romance fics between the two playable characters in game?
like brendan/may, dawn/lucas, ethan/lyra, more than fics involving actual pokemon, like mystery dungeon fics?
i dont wanna be judged, but i guess we're all anonymous here
Probably a decent number. People here constantly request very specific pairings between characters who I don't know at all.
I know it's very common on FFN to see those specific pairings.
I guess people are more interested about what they don't know about than what already exists.
We all have our tastes anon. Some go after important NPCs. Others go after their own OCs. A couple like to get intimate with their pokemon.
I, personally, can't get my rocks off until TheOnlyMoth gets off his high horse and finishes up that Florges story.
>than what already exists
>no cuntfirmed romance subplot in any of the games, including the brief xy shit that just ends with you being friendzoned anyways
it hurts to live sometimes
Who /paper & pen/ drafts here?
My fingers are suffering but at least I get to look at my girly-ass handwriting fill up notebooks. It's also easier on the world if the worst versions of anything I write can be hidden away forever from everyone.
>I think you'll get along with cge if he pops around
>implying there's anybody who doesn't get along with the ceege.
Frankly I expected that sort of comment to be targeting Choroy, since his dedication to world-building is strikingly similar to, albeit more externalized than, mine.
I considered creating a wiki-style "bible" to track everything, much like Choroy has declared as an intention (), but I realized that if I did, I could fall into the Doctor Jones trap ("I wrote them down in my diary so that I wouldn't have to remember.") so I only write down not-yet-canon scraps and tricky things like dates. Dates are hard. And harder when I have to fix them. >implying the ceege screwed up the time table once.
>pen & paper
I never hand-write my stories. It's bad enough that I can't type as quickly as I can think. When writing by hand I get ahead of myself and mongle a word; my OCD kicks in to fix it but that's often impossible (ink), and I'm knocked out of my composition groove.
>I get to look at my girly-ass handwriting
You heart-dot your i's?
>fill up notebooks.
I do enough of that regardless of my fiction hobby.
>It's also easier on the world if the worst versions of anything I write can be hidden away forever from everyone.
After doing it a couple times and finding myself soon disappointed with the results, I decided to stop wasting my time making worst versions in the first place.
>When writing by hand I get ahead of myself and mongle a word; my OCD kicks in to fix it but that's often impossible (ink)
Have you accepted our lord and savior erasable pens? Just one can go like fifty pages.
>You heart-dot your i's?
Naah. Every lowercase T I make has a perfect little loop and curves into the next letter, something I got into the habit of without ever practicing cursive. It doesn't help that I start erasing words that don't look nice and remake them until they're legible and cute.
>I do enough of that regardless of my fiction hobby.
I'm a faggot and my fetish is pages full of tiny handwriting. Destroying an entire notebook with curly shitty fanfiction gives some kind of primal satisfaction.
>After doing it a couple times and finding myself soon disappointed with the results, I decided to stop wasting my time making worst versions in the first place.
My process is entirely inefficient but gives me a better sense of security when finally throwing something down for people to read. I write the whole story as I would naturally on paper, call it a rough draft, use it as a template while typing into a plain notepad .txt, and take that digital version and fucking powerwash that shit. If it was exceptional already in the written version then there's no reason to fuck with it any further.
Alright, here's what I would consider a rough first chapter of the dumb idea I had for a Pokèmon fic once. It probably has bad grammar or something and fucks up some basic facts of Pokèmon canon. The idea is focusing more on the concept of Pokèmon battles and what would happen if they were as popular as sports like soccer or baseball.
Criticism would be appreciated since I feel as if the current state is kind of meh. First time writing stuff like this. Sorry to burden you guys.
>Criticism would be appreciated
o rly lets c
Cut the 850 words of filler between the preamble and the first scene. You don't need to explain the universe in a fan fic and whatever minor tweaks you've made need to be portrayed, not explained at the top.
Then, figure out what you want your first chapter to be about. You said that you wanted the story to be about Pokemon League standing in the role of an IRL national sporting league (rather than the quasi rite of passage that canon holds), so write about that. Without the 850, you have a preamble (What does poetry about loss of faith in the future have to do with pokemon combat as a national sport?), waking up, establishment of how you decided to handle the pokemon-human language barrier, and a minute of television. That's it. There are no conflicts, no stakes, no drama, no plot, no bangers and mash for breakfast.
Focus on the message your story is going to convey, then figure out how to convey it. This feels like you're mimicking another fanfic (one unworthy of being mimicked) and hoping to eventually wander into the plot you intend.
Okay, so I wrote like 160k words on a fic so far, in this is the first 9k or so.
Criticisms anyone? Pretty sure there's a shit-ton of grammar mistakes and cringeworthy stuff, but will highly appreciate if someone can point out specifics.
>Lux was no ordinary Pokémon
NOPE. Nope nope nope nope nope. "X was no ordinary Y," especially as the opening, is quite possibly the most ubiquitously used thing among retarded fanfics. I don't even know what's up with the rest of the fic, I just know that if you want anyone to take you remotely seriously, you cut that line immediately.
Whatever you decide to do with it, don't regurgitate the canon's idiotic memery. Humans harnessing the abilities of superpowered creatures is not a 'beautiful dream-like bond', it's basic pragmatism. Capturing monsters to serve you is not 'friendship', no matter what nonsense dopey NPCs tell you in the games.
The games spout bullshit because the devs don't want kids to question whether they should be playing them in the first place, not because said bullshit somehow makes sense.
>Torry the Torterra, James’s starter.
>Star the Staraptor.
>Ayra the Gardevoir.
>Hardy the Aggron.
>Blake the Flygon.
>Glace the Glaceon.
>And lastly, Flare the Typhlosion.
Nicknames aren't quite James' strong suit, are they?
To be honest, it was like taking a punch to the nuts. Literally.
A lighthearted/idealistic story isn't necessarily a bad thing. Pokemon are fictional, so the details about what they are and how they work can be twisted into whatever an author wants. Maybe they're super-powered, vicious animals or maybe they're solar powered, pacifist aliens, you can justify just about any interpretation easily enough.
A bit late to the thread but...
When reading a fic, or anything else really, I need some sort of ambience sound. Too much silence and my mind goes into conspiranoia mode. Even if it is the cat purring, it helps. For writing, anything Dire Dire Docks style goes well, at least for me.
Thanks for the heads up!
>Is this the future?
No, *this* is the future.
More to the business, congratulations on getting rec'd. That's all we true an heros strive for.
>Besides, no one can jerk it to their own content
Will be waiting for reports back in the IRC
>since his dedication to world-building is strikingly similar to, albeit more externalized than, mine
The difference, ma boy, is that I'm sick, potentially mad and moderately charming.
I suffer from heavy revisionism, which is one thing working with a naturally versioned system helps deal with.
In any event it's not a path I can recommend for anyone. Bible doc? something like a manual of style? A sort of screenplay? Yeah, that works. A development wiki, or anything like that, one needs to have too many aligning goals to justify it.
>Who /paper & pen/ drafts here?
Not me. I /paper & pen/ charts and tables, but I'll buy three Windows 10 licenses and gift two to my parent / dream chick before I draft on paper. Too slow, too quirky, too much redundant effort. Not enough aligned goals, I guess.
>It's also easier on the world if the worst versions of anything I write can be hidden away forever from everyone.
Can't say I agree due to personal experience, but what works, works. Just remember to not hide the worst versions from *yourself*, or you'll have trouble identifying bad practices and patterns you might be unknowingly (re?)slipping into.
Man, the only aspect of the X/Y lolrivals worth saving is playing the boy and repeatedly friendzoning the girl. It's like giving an object lesson, like a true champ.
>protag is a super-vigilante and such a good champion that others stopped trying
>generic as hell nicknames except on of course what else, so this is looking like _that_ kind of story
>pokémon are sapient, this somehow doesn't change the basic setup at all
>protag can understand pokémon
>the ruler of antimatter can give humans that ability for some reason
>protag being able to understand pokémon will most likely have zero impact on worldbuilding
>videogame moron villainy copied 1:1
>move names as excuse to not describe what's happening
>throw in translation tech too because why not
>'but pokémon can't be trainers' the good slave said
>“Yeah, he can manipulate most electromagnetic effects and charged particles within the sphere, which means he can do basically anything within it.”
Turning electrokinesis into reality warping was retarded enough when Darker Than Black did it.
>Everyone else sweatdropped.
It's a visual shorthand.
This is style over substance (with not even particularly impressive style thanks to low level of detail) mixed with cliches and typical warning signs of crap pokémon fanfic.
>generic as hell nicknames except on of course what else
I'm fairly certain the Gardevoir is named after an elf woman in Eragon who, iirc, Eragon falls madly in love with (and is such, as her name implies, nearly Aryan-tier perfect in appearance).
Don't get discouraged, anon. The reason these mistakes are so cliche is that a ton of people make them. You can break the mold if you apply yourself and focus on righting what you wrote wrong. All this means is that you've got your work cut out for you.
I'm skeptical of the fact that the protagonist team starts out at the very top. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but in a longer story it will severely limit your ability to create dramatic tension without seriously pushing your audience's suspension of disbelief with increasingly absurd scenarios.
Another possible issue is the cast size. Typically, you need to introduce cast slowly, giving them character and distinctness so that the reader can recognize them. As is, we get a big list of names from the very beginning.
A lot of people interpret pokémon as more than mere beasts. In theory, having intelligent nonhumans in a story could lead somewhere interesting.
(In practice, it almost never amounts to anything.)
>Why do people like having Pokemon talk?
It's canon that Pokemon are sapient in both the animation and the games, so it isn't cheating the premise so much as protesting and avoiding the alternatives. Let's consider them.
1) Give trainers the Magic Translators. A few fics do this, and it begs that the device be lost or broken at some point to make a momentary conflict. Yawn.
2) Lassie. "What is it, Pikachu? Timmy is stuck in a well? Typical humans are savvy enough to guess what a barking dog is trying to communicate on the first try? Let's go help!" Woof.
3) "Whim whimsi whimsicott si-cott, cott!" (At which point the author realizes he must translate it anyway, or it's less meaningful than portraying the Lassie option.)
4) Degrade all pokemon to real-life animal mentality. This restricts your narrative focus to human characters because pokemon are only good for releasing, ordering to kill each other (assuming we still let them understand spoken commands), and recalling before they actually do. And since the average human is a poor lion tamer, you've lost all access to slice of life plots. Basically, you're down to one option: If IRL animals could spit fire and sneeze lightning bolts and cause earthquakes and tsunamis and were everywhere doing this all the time, how would humans survive? (Spoiler: They wouldn't.)
5) Give up and write for pokemorphs.
6) Give up and write lemons so nobody will care about anything you've done except that you've mentioned genitals.
My next two stories feature mutes in prominent roles. Neither focus on the language barrier, but it's more apparent with fewer talkers in the cast.
>In theory, having intelligent nonhumans in a story could lead somewhere interesting. (In practice, it almost never amounts to anything.)
The problem lies in the audience; your readers are humans and are not versed in, as one example, the Dolphinese language and—most importantly—culture.
How do I write a good SMD fic? Is "copying the plot but giving the characters a little more complexity, especially the blank slate of a protagonist" frowned upon? I get the feeling it is, but I'm not sure.
>Why do people like having Pokemon talk?
Because We Digimon Now since Gen2 (metal evolutions). We are just in denial.
Somewhat more seriously, >>25035477 has the gist of it. Since most writers are human, there is the notational shortcut (and more than a fair bit of anthropocentric fantastic racism) that a race is "smart" or "sapient" if they speak... exactly in the way humans do.
>Let's consider them.
I'm personally much fond of 2-a Section 7-g: Trainers can moderately understand their own Pokémon, over time, and viceversa; but they can only understand fragments of what other Pokémon communicate (Pokémon don't seem to have _that_ limitation in canon, for whatever reason).
>Like 8 digits
>And since the average human is a poor lion tamer, you've lost all access to slice of life plots.
Not really. I don't see how you can't have pokemon be how they are always shown and still have a slice of life plot. That's like saying you can't have a dog in a story unless you're going to use it to fight. That's silly.
Thanks for the criticism, guys. This is like the first time I've wrote a fic so I'm aware that it feels like shit, but at least now I know what I should start on fixing. Will probably post an updated version later with more stuff going on and see if I'm going in the right direction, so get ready to see more dumb shit soon.
No problem, although that...thing looks like it needs serious revision. I don't know much about writing fics in particular, but I've done enough reading of random material to spot issues in books.
Speaking of which, I asked a question that never got answered a while ago. When writing a fic about, say, a game, is closely following the game's plot with minor deviations for character development considered poor form? Or, to put it another way, would writing a fic from the perspective of a game's protagonist progressing through the plot be a bad idea?
>When writing a fic about, say, a game, is closely following the game's plot with minor deviations for character development considered poor form? Or, to put it another way, would writing a fic from the perspective of a game's protagonist progressing through the plot be a bad idea?
It's a bad idea because that's what every newbie ever does (or tries to before giving up after the second chapter). Those stories are basically white noise to most people who read pokémon fanfiction.
If you're doing a 'standard trainer fic', have it deviate from the source plot as soon as possible (before the audience gets bored and discards your story as Yet Another Generic Trainer Fic). If you're not different from the crappy norm, what's the point?
Yeah, I kinda see that I have to change some stuff and cut out some unnecessary crap. I just wasn't sure if the readers would understand the period in which the story took place in, but hopefully I'll manage to leave only the important stuff in the next version.
Also about your question I don't think that fics like that are bad by nature, since I think they can be well done if the characters are extremely well done and the plot's minor deviations still manage to spice up the entire plot. It still sounds pretty hard to do and like >>25037430
said, most people write that stuff anyways.
Depends. I'd avoid going for a full sort of "novelization" retelling the entire game, but fleshing out an area of the plot that you feel was skipped over too quickly or otherwise done an injustice (the timeskip in the postgame that I won't specify for spoiler reasons, for instance), then I think that's a fine thing to write. Mimiga's recent fic about the protagonists + Mawile hiking up Destiny Tower is a decent example of that. As well, If I Were Just a Little Braver by SadIdiot kinda started out as a novelization, but diverged much more into its own thing as time went on. If you want to retell the game's whole plot in such a way, definitely give Braver a read to see how he did it.
Should have also replied to these in >>25037869
. Like I said, it -can- be done right, but it is tricky due to the stigma placed on the overall premise. Still, I think Braver is one of the best PMD fics out there - and whether that's because or in spite of its loose retelling of the plot of Explorers, it stands out as an exception to the rule if nothing else.
Thanks! I'll be sure to give it a read. I was mostly planning on going over SMD specifically, with the Protagonist actually having a bit of common sense (that is promptly erased because the partner has negative common sense, seriously). It's probably going to absolutely suck, but I can give it a shot.
Now for the real question...dare I lose all my progress and restart so I can get everything perfectly?
Nah, fuck that. I'm gonna beat the postgame and THEN restart.
Considering writing a Pokemon fanfic. I know what I want to put into it but what do people like? Do people like moves named or descriptions? I would prefer to just give descriptions of what the pokemon is doing but I don't know if people want the names of the move also.
>I know what I want to put into it but what do people like?
From a very simple market analysis: smut.
More helpfully: I like moves described, with a degree of tolerance for just name-dropping them is they are being used in a repeat sequence (Thunder! Thunder! Thunder!). That assuming that in those cases how the move is used or how it lands (or misses) is not relevant.
Of course, the name of the move is probably at least gonna be dropped at least once, when the Trainer tells the Pokémon to use the move.
>I know what I want to put into it but what do people like?
Don't worry about what people like because people don't know what they will like in your story, only what they've liked before in other people's stories. Write your story, take feedback, and then adjust your course.
>Do people like moves named or descriptions?
Find the most efficient and effective balance for the scene that you are writing. Sometimes dropping the move name saves a lot of time and keeps the tempo high in a battle scene or makes clear what your pokemon is doing when writing it finding a tricky way to do something crafty with its power. But if it's something simple, like a fire type using fire to cook or burn something, trying to force a move name on it is a waste of time and makes the narration awkward.
Alright, wow. This took longer than I thought, and I dozed off a few times, but I hope you enjoy it, Anon.
I get the feeling I made a few mistakes, but it's pretty late here. I need sleep. Anyway, to whomever decides to read, I hope you enjoy.
I always wonder how it would be if someone tackled the inevitable boners that would happen in a fluff. That aspect doesn't just go away, it's just kind of ignored for the most part. Sounds kind of tricky to address that issue without just smashing your face into smut territory.
It's quite short, but I found it to be pretty decent for the length. Technically it'd be better to spread out a bit more diversity in your diction, but it's admittedly pretty late most places. Also she totally murdered a rattata.
Yes. She did. And thanks. I think that's my biggest problem. It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I'm running on chocolate pudding. I felt I should at least push through to finish it. And I do understand that bit. I like to think I'm a bit better, but what do I know, I should be sleeping. Which is what I'll do after this. Thanks for the...critique...criticism? I don't know the word. But thanks, Anon. I hope to do more and better in the future.
Any tips for someone who wants to write an ongoing Pokemon fic?
Since I was one of the anons to request this, I might as well give some feedback.
First off, the errors I noticed on my second reading of it:
>In paragraph 1, Absol has a rat in her mouth. However, in paragraph 2, that rat is now a fish. Furthermore, it turns back into a rat in paragraph 8.
>In paragraph 5, "t" should be "it" in "No bother, he'd brush t out later." Also, "know" should be "now" in "As for know, he..."
>In paragraph 6, "Mercy" is capitalized when it shouldn't be. There should be a space before the "She" in "She continued to lay...". In the same sentence, "stands" should be "stance". There should also be a period at the end of said sentence.
>In paragraph 8, the ending thought "'She's at least deserved that'" is both a little awkward and should end in a period. "deserved" should probably be replaced with something like "earned".
Given the fact that you wrote this at 3 in the morning and on such short notice, it was pretty okay.
It probably would have been a reasonable decision to write it after a good night's rest, but I admire your dedication.
Well, maybe Mercy was her name.
Nah, I was just tired as fuck there.
Sorry about messing up like that.
But hey, if you gave it a second read through willingly, I must be doing something right. Thanks for the critique.
Also, now I'm going to beat myself up for the rest of the day because I for the life of me couldn't come up with earned.
Note to all writefags out there: If you are tired, fucking sleep. Your audience will wait, and your body will thank you.
>If you are tired, fucking sleep.
Trips confirms: Sleep for the win.
>Your audience will wait
It isn't so much waiting as they (rightfully) go do other things but, perhaps, will return when you get off of your ass and deliver. I pretty much forgot about myself having been (apparently) inactive for nearly two years, now.
Where does the time go? Oh yeah, slept through a bunch of it. Like, nearly 20%. wtf
considering the factors that real-life livestock have that has allowed them to be good food sources, what pokemon do you think would be raised in the Pokemon world for food?
Tauros and Miltank are obvious choices, not just because of their IRL analogues but also because they only have one stage, no special care needed to evolve them for maximum meat yield, just fatten them up. Other single stage Pokemon could be Farfetch'd, stantler and Delibird.
I'm trying to think of what poultry would Pokemon likely use, Farfetch'd aside. It's likely pidgey or pidove due to their relative docile natures compared to the other regional birds.
Any ideas for any of these?
Tropius goes both ways for meat and fruit
Fried Fletching wings is also an option, but one would have to take into consideration their...relentless reputation.
It would probably vary depending on region birds.
Dodoo is an option as well I guess
10 Evolve doduo to dodrio.
20 Harvest one head.
30 Goto 10.
>pokemon are sapient, this somehow doesn't change the basic setup at all
Isn't this usually the case in canon? Is addressing sapience in Pokemon something worth doing, even if it isn't related to the story's overall plot/subject matter? I'm struggling to reconcile this with my own stories.
>Isn't this usually the case in canon?
The trick is that canon pokemon are sapient but are obedient to their role as their trainer's champions when owned and as just another link in the food chain when not. It's a conditional statement that flips like a switch for the convenience of the premise. If you're willing to adhere to that policy, then sapience does not need to be addressed any more than canon works do.
Sapience becomes an issue the second you step out of those bounds in a serious context.
If you let them act with sapience beyond the trained-pokemon relationship, why aren't all (released) pokemon trying to create their own society instead of reverting to a life of scrounging for berries and battling to survive? Doesn't "human rights" become an issue?
If you remove sapience, then it quickly becomes difficult to explain how youngsters can keep their haxoruses in-line other than recalling them into their balls just before somebody is viscerated.
For details on my opinion of how to handle these issues, see every damned pokefic I've written.
>Isn't this usually the case in canon?
The games present them as undeniably below humans for the most part. Exceptions are never relevant to the workings of the world, they're only ever throwaway flavor text.
>Is addressing sapience in Pokemon something worth doing, even if it isn't related to the story's overall plot/subject matter?
The canon runs on laziness, carelessness and gameplay convenience. Sure, you can just ignore the implications and pretend the canon makes sense, but not every reader will be equally complacent.
A lot of people won't care when your pokémon display human-like intelligence yet still act like convenient videogame elements. (A lot of people also don't care if you write a bland copy of the game/anime.)
For all the good you did, you still got some serious holes to patch up.
Florges could use a good story she's not has popular has the other girl like pokemon for some reason.
People don't appreciate the bouquet look these days.
...Did you mean third, or just second? Regardless, first from the Servine's perspective would be nice. Also, I'd kinda prefer nameless, just because everyone (who went with that particular pair) can relate to them that way. We can fill in our own names.
Or if you're going to do names, then go with Jacob the Servine and Miranda the Braixen. Long, boring story as to why I chose them.
>Implying I don't write until 5 AM for my little faggots
This is my life, engrossed with my own storylines
Sleep is for the weak. I will sleep when I'm dead. Also, I thought I was the only one who wrote till sunrise
>need to get up before sunrise on a regular basis
>still end up staying awake until 2 or 3 in the morning
I usually prefer silence to noise when reading fics; it makes it easier to focus on what's happening in the fic and find errors if I'm trying to proofread it.
Found a decent "portal" style fanfic. Jump from Earth to Pokemon realm after the protagonist's friend had a bad run in with the FBI and what not.
I am proud to say I have had some major impact in terms of reviewing this fic.
Thus far it is still early in development, but edging along at a steady pace.
On another note, do any of you lads have any tips for how to properly critique fanfiction?
I wish to better help writers whose fics I see potential in.
Also, mind if I post for a "Have you seen this fic?" kind of thing?
I have lost track of a couple fanfics for roughly around five years now, and would like some assistance in locating them.
Go ahead, and I can take a break from TRYING TO START THIS DAMN THING RIGHT to tell you some tips for critique.
1. Reread it several times. You end up seeing more each time, so you get a few more things each time.
2. Specifics. Point out specific things instead of being vague. "Your dialogue is awkward" is not good, but saying something like "This specific word was awkward" is a lot better critique.
3. Civility. You need to approach with an air of "This is fair, but you could do better". You can be civil even to Tara Gilesbie. Being uncivil just causes people to get defensive.
And if nothing else, you look good even if they don't listen.
4. Be direct. Don't beat around the bush. Nobody likes this. If you see a problem, you can be tactful but direct.
5. Speak in their "language". What is obvious to you may not be obvious to others, so look at comments this author has made and learn how to speak to them. Tropenese is fine, and I speak it, but not everyone does. So be mindful of these things.
There, that should help.
I usually try to break up my reviews into chunks: positive section, negative section, conclude/more positive, and a note of thanks.
For the positive section, I try to acknowledge things the author is handling well: pacing, descriptiveness, a standout character, etc.
For the negative, I point out any major problems and some more subtle ones without being nit-picky.Sometimes using questions is an effective way to get the author to give something a bit more thought. Ex. Why did the antagonist kick that puppy? Is there a better way to make him a more believable bad guy?
I usually try to wrap up by saying that I enjoyed reading the story and why it stands out to me.
I end with a quick "thank you" to let them know that I appreciate their efforts, even if I ended up being a little harsh.
I don't really review any very low quality/effort stories, so I tend to get pretty positive responses to my reviews.:
"Thanks also for the praise. It gives me a good bit of solace having some outside feedback telling me what I've been doing right. A lot of writers don't like to admit it, but the "here's what's good" department for a lot of them is just about as significant as the "here's what can improve" for what we take away. Knowing what I did well is better than not knowing what I did well. So, thanks again. You're awesome."
Does length really factor as much as I think it does when finishing a part to upload? I already have enough problems as it is presenting anything less than 10k words, but the most I'm probably going to get out of this chapter is 6k and it's difficult to find a good place to add anything on.
6000 is a perfectly reasonable word count for a single chapter.
Here's a darker/edgier fic where pokemon eat eachother. There's a couple hunting scenes towards the beginning. Nothing too detailed if I recall.
I don't actually follow it, but I think the premise was that pokemon pass on their experience/level so that over time wild pokemon have become absurdly powerful and dangerous and being a trainer is serious business.
Doduo's actually a pretty good choice. Decent size even unevolved, and good transport. Plus, they lay eggs. Which is a moot point since all Pokemon apparently do, but they might be like birds and lay them regularly whether fertilized or not.
Only in that it will "feel short" if you've been doing 10k as a standard previously.
I think 6k to 8k is a good "single serving".
Especially when the first consumer is yourself needing to proof-read these crazy things.
How badly frowned upon are traditional "Trainer's journey" fics? I've got an entire homebrew region for a game I'm running (that appears to have been mostly abandoned) and it seems a shame to waste it, the NPCs I created, etc.
I don't think they're frowened upon, but as stated in the thread, usually turn generic and join the pile of other trainer journey fics, unless you have something that makes them stick out from the rest.
That's a fair point. I would guess "family branch of ancient Unovan royalty with inborn ability to speak to Pokemon" and "homebrew region" won't do it, right? Oh well, time to start thinking of interesting plots.
That part is fun, yeah. I've been doing a lot of weird things with it, including almost 100% reworking Parasect to be massive "termite mounds" with no sentience of their own, just made up of the countless Paras that swarm over them and make a hive mind. There are actually some Rock-type ones that are still weak to Fire, but only because the Paras are still vulnerable. I dunno, I just like coming up with weird things. The regional professor is even studying weird Pokemon like that.
Are there any essentials to writing a crossover that differs from usual fanfiction rules?
I Posted this on the PMD general and then forgot completely to check back on that thread
>Set before all other PMD game chronologically
>Main theme at first is exploration of old ruins
>Ruins of clearly human origin, from overgrown office buildings to abandoned factories
>Some automated systems are still up, including security systems
>Recovering ancient artifacts to figure out what they do
>Dumb kid somehow manages to capture itself in a pokeball
>Cyberspace as the hell/everything is fucked up dungeons
>Even dumber explorer unleashes a grey goo, becomes the game's required unnatural disaster
Yeah. Servine/Braixen PSMD probable lewds/cuddles.
But it was all on my lappy which has shat the bed something fierce. I remember what I wrote, so it won't take too long to get to where I was, but I do have to start over.
I think the problem comes from the Pokemon Killer shitposting. It's left a bit of a bad taste in a lot of /vp/s mouth. Like how Goodraposter ruined Goodra for a while.
And alright, if you say so.
Hello it is I, faggot. I am here with some shit which involves protecting the special doggo's smile and also far too many instances which are just synonyms of the word food. It is short and tiny and I also need to know if I should fire my proofreader friend or not.
Also, to the Anon that suggested the Servine Braixen fic, I'm going with the names, as this is gonna be a bit longer than my Absol fic, and the partner in question is the person who would use these a lot. So I'm not exactly sure how I would avoid the names without it getting a bit awkward.
But I am working on it and it's going well. Sorry for taking so long, Uni's been hectic.
Cute that shit you bitch
Cute it good
I think that only really works from a perspective separate from the partners. I still would have them call each other by their names in a personal setting. I'd go find the quote that says that but I'm watching silly horror movies with friends.
I tried that to test out how it'd work, and it seemed awkward. I don't know if it's just my ineptitude, but I can't find a way to do that in a way I'm happy with.
Problem is that unlike my previous fics, I'm having to do things with a character with a defined personality, and she wouldn't be the kind to call her partner by their species.
The anon who requested fortunately gave me names if I chose that route. And It seems it's a the best idea to take said route personally.
He requested it get lewd if I could manage.
I haven't written the lewd yet, but I'm going to cross the streams. I will lewd it and cute it.
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Don't be. It's actually a good point. I just can't do it in a way I feel satisfied in the parameters I was given.
Tonight, I managed to do some work on my next pokefics. Actual writing, not just proof-reading and correcting.
>Satan digs his snowshoes out of the closet.
Got a little progress on the one that's way overdue, and maybe got a better start figured out for another one that I'd given a shit first chapter and a good second chapter. Hopefully it won't be another week/month/year before I get more done.
Seems to be fair advice. I appreciate it Rose.
Would it be out of order for the thread if I posted the latest review I did for the fic? (For critique purposes of course. The author himself said that the review has help played a large role for how he is going to conduct the story. It was originally meant to be a comedy sort of thing, though now he is aiming for something more "serious" oriented in its approach.
If not the thread, I can PM a copy of it to you if you have a FF.Net account.
So just wing it, then read over the review until all is said and done?
Personally it takes a mental effort for me to review a story, as if there is some mental exhaustion every time I try and focus. Like my brain is held in some uncomfortable vice grip. It is silly I know, but for me I just feel... Drained to say the least. It is difficult to point out specifics for me sometimes in a way where I find myself at a loss at how to go about it.
As for the lost fics, I will be posting a description of them in the next couple post from a ready made document.
1. A Torchic Transformation story. The plot revolves around a depressed high school student who committed suicide with a handgun out of bitterness and despair in a Cafeteria in front of multiple students. The student in question ends up being reborn a Torchic by some quirk of chance for reasons currently unknown. Protagonist hatches from an egg that was supposed to be a gift to him by another "friend" who was wanting to cheer him up, even one that might have been antagonstic to the protagonist at one point. Said friend is bitter after friend's suicide.
Suicide is covered up by the school to preserve its reputation. Originally found on Fanfiction.net. Ciera. 2008-2009 when first discovered.
Estimated length at last read was roughly around 20,000 to 50,000 words. Might have been longer.
2. A Chikorita Transformation story. Protagonist is killed by a car after rescuing another individual. Mew, taking pity on this individual, decides for him to be reborn as a Chikorita. This ends up takng out the soul meant for an egg however. (Preumably from what can be inferred from memory, it might have been a gift to him at one point.) Protagonist ends up becoming his friend's starter Pokemon. (Female friend.) Side effect of rebirth is a new phobia of cars, or more specifically being a passenger of one when looking out a window with the vehicle in motion.
Distinct scenes include the clickity clits of the protagonist's "hoof nails" on a concrete sidewalk, taking four strides for his new master/friend/trainer's one. Discovers he is increasingly vulnerable to the cold elements.
Ciera. 2008-2010 estimated to be have been first discovered. Estimated story length: 20,000 to 40,000 last checked.
3. Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Fanfic discovered around 2008/2009 on the now defunct Bulbagarden Library. (Last Check on site indicates it was undergoing revision with its host site, ciera. 2012. Presumed dead.) Story was based off of Pokemon Blue & Red Rescue Team. Main Character is a human turned Pikachu (Alvin, Colab as names?) who has amnesia. Other characters was most certainly a Chikorita with a rather fiesty attitude, and either a Squirtle or Mudkip. Somewhat of a cowardly/reluctant nature, but good hearted and willing. Protagonist male. Chikorita female. Squirtle/Mudkip male. (Note: Bolded underline indicates stronger memory likelihood/certainty of being the correct one, but not for absolutely sure if true.) Story was last seen as being completed, with a sequel in the works. Friends were evolved in that story.
Estimated length at the time last read: Medium-Long, presumed roughly between 60,000 to over around 100,000 words. Length is MUCH shorter than stories like PMD: The Silver Resistance and PMD: Broken Ideals, but still a rather considerable read.
Last known status listed as complete, with a sequel in the works with evolved compatriots.
4. Pokemon: Real World dimension jump to the fictional world inhabited by Pokemon. High School girl bored with life ends up being co-opted by mysterious individuals who may or may not have abducted her due to the protagonist having some special ability that these people (Science types.) do not. Said scientists are from another dimension. Protagonist features some form of healing ability that is unnatural to this world. For this reason, she was brought to it so that she may help mend the conflict currently taking place on that world. Girl ends up on a Journey to heal the region plauged by conflict of the war variety between two factions (Teams if memory served correctly, albeit original ones.) Region and factions appear to be original creations. Partnered with a shiny female Rattata. (Might have been given a name.) Rattata able to converse in English with protagonist. (Might have been same with the others.) World somewhat realistic, featuring firearms.
Notable events: Confrontation with scientists who the girl at first considers nuts when they tell her Pokemon are real. Ends up beleving them when a female head scientist shows her a picture of a pet Delicaty. (If memory serves correctly.) Ended up becoming drunk by the world's milk at one point due to AlterWorld's milk having alcoholic affects on her, but not natives due to some strange dimensional tolerence and content differences between the two dimensions. Latest chapter at last read showed the protagonist first employing her healing ability in action to heal wounded soldier militants in a region where a battle took place. Might have been warned by Rattata not to do so for fear of being used by the two militant factions vying for control over the region. (Might have been due to ideological differences.) Featured on Fanfiction.net. Ciera. Late 2008 - Mid 2009 - 2010 when first discovered.
Estimated length at the time: 50,000 to 70,000 words.
>all those entries
Jesus christ why did the author stop making this? These are hella interesting to read, not even for the lewd parts
That's how it do in jesus land
Whelp, it's been a long, long absence, but I've finally updated! ... Sort of!
So as a bit of background, one of the sites that I post on had a winter-holiday themed writing challenge. So this update is a response to that set in-fic. There's a few things that get fleshed out in this one that will be touched on in the future, but other than that, I mostly made it because it was cute and an excuse to worldbuild.
Will be back to bumping the core narrative of the story by 1/31. But in the interim, enjoy some belated tropical winter holiday antics.
Now to batten down the hatches and prepare for the inevitable Farla January review.
Alright here's a redone version of the first chapter from before. It's quite longer, around 7k words or something and more stuff goes on in it, but I think phrasing and dialogue are meh. Would appreciate criticism, even if it's just saying that it's a pile of shit. Also how long should chapters usually be? I know that should be the least of my worries, but I don't really want to overwhelm a reader too much.
It's still a very slow start, partly because the reading is slowed by your saying things one and one half times and it being 100% ESTABLISHMENT.
>"And now..." A sudden cry resonated from a voluminous sound system hidden underneath the walls of a giant stadium, making sure that the voice at the speaker's end could be heard by all within that towering building.
Of course the speakers are large, and designed to be heard; that's what a PA system does. We're slogging through empty words: they tell us nothing we didn't already know, they don't change our perspective, and they reveal only that something typical is indeed typical. Often this narration (especially in the dream sequence) uses a sentence structure that half-rephrases what it just said. (Also, "Without further ado" is followed by 810 words of ado before "And now, let us commence the battle!" Liar emcee.)
Beyond that, the establishment is a little too heavy for how little is going on. For example, everything from awakening to being approached by Gigi (stranger danger!) is 2.5k in establishment of truly only a few beats. Hitmonjeeves, self-service kitchen, outcast at school because of pokephobia, King is infamous, teacher likes pop quizzes.
Were I designing this, I would reorganize: Begin with Mike arriving home from school, establish Pedro and homelife, have Gigi jingle his bike bell, drag Mike off to the lab; return home, establish kitchen, do some TV (establish reality of league battle), decide what to do with fox, and save the dream for that night/next day.
This is evidence that you can write (one you learn to paragraph your speaker changes and proof your grammar) but the text isn't focused on what it wants to say (or, it doesn't have much to say and is padding it out). Indeed, the only hint of conflict is at the very end: Mike's reluctantly receiving a pokemon, with the chapter stopping before we see how he intends to resolve it, which would create the first plot DEVELOPMENT.
Here's a good thing my English teacher taught me.
He said this, no lie:
"Extraneous words in your story are like rat shit in a cake. You don't say 'Oh, but there's only a bit of rat shit in your cake.' If the word isn't helping, it's hurting. Get that shit outta there."
Thanks for the feedback. I realize that I'm quite repetitive due to a bad habit in the past while I wrote essays and stuff. I'll try to fix that and your scheme for the plot's progression sounds much better than what I did right now. I'll try redoing this one more time and lower the word count so it isn't too heavy and gives more information than the previous versions. Thanks for the advice.
I agree with the emotion, but I do not care to eat a cake that, despite having been descatted, once wore brown, non-chocolate sprinkles.
There are times when you can wax poetic, but the rule above all rules is Be Interesting. (Show Don't Tell is right behind it.) If you can think of a way to describe speakers that's interesting, go for it! Otherwise, edit it down to the barest essential and get on with the good stuff.
Length, don't worry about it. I like 6k-9k, 15k is probably a good limit. However, your current concern is developing your Narrator voice to be engaging and to complete a plot arc. A chapter isn't a chapter because you stopped writing at a particular length; a chapter is a chapter because something happened, somebody reacted to it, and that action had a consequence.
I think the goal is to never have it in there to begin with, and the cake isn't baked till you send it out.
Also, yes. Length you shouldn't worry too much about. Schools fucked us over by making us think that you need a certain length.
So, a thing.
We've all (likely) gone on before on tips and advice on how to write or not write the quintessential Trainer's Journey aka journeyfic. Likely everything from camping to "how to give your Trainer an Eevee" has been covered.
But, what about advice on how to write or not write a story about trainers who are already very experienced? Not gym trainers but rather actually on-the-road kinds of, maybe equivalent to Veterans or the Ace class.
Since I'm planning and writing such a story, I'd like to see what tips, advice or common gotchas have you people come up with for this one.
I like focusing on whatever it is that's holding trainers like that back. They're obviously skilled/ strong, but there's something holding them back (trauma, motivation, just weak team).
It gives you a good jumping off point for conflict since you don't have to ass-pull your mc out of a dangerous situation with weak Pokemon (like with most journey fics). Take advantage of that, your trainer can hold their own from the start without it seeming forced.
Your MC is going to get shit from their peers that are better. Obviously there's always that, but I assume your MC has been at it for a while and most of their peers have surpassed them. Also you have room to mentor the not as skilled trainers, and hey, maybe they'll see the problem within themselves by looking at someone else with a similar problem.
in my view, it would be important to make sure that the character in mind has another set goal if they're already experts. If they have already beaten the champion, for instance, maybe they want to do something else, like participate in tournaments, get involved with the community or system, or just continue sightseeing the world. Since they have already learned the basics of pokemon battling, expereinced gym battles, or even busted some evil team group, there would still be a strong emphasis on the journey, but battling might not be the top priority.
If you jump straight into battle from the start, you might run into the risk of showing off too much of their power at once. This can be avoided by having the opponent equally or even stronger, or just have the trainer teaching others or someone.
You could have them meet familiar people, or have evidence of their works scattered throughout backstory or whichever region they went.
To add to this, I assume the MC has seen most of the region, stories have unfolded all over and the MC's past actions have rewards and consequences. They're going to know people (assumptuously) and run into familiar faces (as well as new ones obviously).
Care to post?
I like you guys, you know that, right?
Okay to explain more.
I'm working on a story, working title 'Interim', about two Trainers who yeah, have gone through the whole "basics of Pokémon battling" or "busted some evil team group" even. They've already left somewhat of a mark in their region. Then the Champion goes "well, their mark seems to be good enough, what can POSSIBLY go wrong?" and puts them through a HARD MODE test to see if one of them would be fit to become a Champion. (In this setting I'm working on, being Champion is more serious business than the usual "lol wait 4 challengers at the end of E4")
I'm keeping eye on factors like these so far:
>I like focusing on whatever it is that's holding trainers like that back.
>If you jump straight into battle from the start, you might run into the risk of showing off too much of their power at once.
>To add to this, I assume the MC has seen most of the region, stories have unfolded all over and the MC's past actions have rewards and consequences
> they have already learned the basics of pokemon battling, expereinced gym battles, or even busted some evil team group
> just have the trainer teaching others or someone
>Care to post?
I'll see what I can do to tidy those google docs up before sharing them for comments.
One measurement that would stick out then would be an emphasis on the trainer's tactical knowledge to improvise or make plans when least expected.
Either that or have the champion put them through the test without having them know that they're being tested in the first place, meaning a lot of danger, and a lot of situations to put them to the limit just to do this favor.
You know, I've never actually had writer's block before. There's a few rough patches that take far too long to write, sure, but there's never been a time where I just get STUCK. I'm not even entirely sure what it feels like.
Constipation. Except without shit.
No, really. That's what it feels like.
You're simply sitting somewhere, not knowing what to do. You aren't doing work, you're just sitting there, staring forward, trying to get done with something but not getting anywhere.
Is letting your diction be dictated by political correctness fascism a mark of "maturity"?
You aren't second guessing the word choice here, however. You're realizing that your scene needs a little spice, and failing to find it in the context, your left brain is reaching for a just-add-water attention grabber from the shelf.
Be patient. If it's meant to be, you'll write a pun with it and be too busy laughing to second guess the choice. That's the write way. Meanwhile, figure out a way to make your boring scene stop boring.
Damn son, I just need to talk about someone gathering firewood in a rough draft. There's only so many ways you can refer to small twigs and sticks gathered to be used as firewood, and it truly is an unusually large fagot.
If you emphasize "rough" in your rough drafts, use "sticks" every time and come back with a thesaurus to paint it purple later.
If you want to get it mostly right the first time, then consider, you may be running out of non-repetitive ways to reference your wood because you're talking about it too much. Doesn't your scene have somewhere to get to by that point?
Hm, I suppose it'd be called a "Kinda alright" draft since I'd prefer using the latter statement. It's not so much a burden that I'm entirely running out of ways to refer to the sticks, but moreso it just seems like it might be more colorful a scene if I used the synonym. Fuck purple, I want to paint shit some dank-ass fractal color that makes people think I'm from an English region.
Alright here's yet another version. I tried following your scheme and I think it turned out better than the previous versions for sure. I think the ending is a bit weak and my writing still doesn't feel very pleasant to read, so yeah more criticism and stuff. I just think the way I describe events feels weak and uninspiring.
You are on the path.
The intro works until the fourth paragraph, where you infodump to define Mike. The other kids talked about him behind his back, so that would've been a time to establish a choice flavor detail. E.g., "He's kind of a weirdo even if you ignore the red shirt and purple jeans thing." It's that easy to go from narrator infodump to one character using a comment on another to develop both.
When a conversation switches speakers, NEW PARAGRAPH. This Mike/Pedro exchange is a mess above the other messes. Also, ¶7, you used ' "accident" ' in a way that implies that Mike literally scared the shit out of Pedro, and if that is not what you intended, rephrase that sentence.
If I remember right, you chose the Universal Translator Device trope to let your pokemon talk. You should establish it here, smoothly. For example, when startled, we could see Pedro bound from bed and hurriedly seek and find the device on the bed-stand so he could reply. Details at your discretion, but that'd again embed establishment in the action and prevent the reader from wondering about the talking pokemon issue.
You're trying to establish Gigi as a harmless nut, and that's fine, but this isn't how. Consider: Gigi leaves and Mike chooses to go back inside his house; The End. Characters need motivations. Here's an example, both of correct dialog paragraphs and of building motivation while defining character. http://pastebin.com/3KH4pRLA
>One would think that a boy such as Mike would be blessed…
One should not point out a convenient plot contrivance like this. Indicate the passed time, let the sleeping dog lie.
It's not assault without unwanted physical contact or a threat of harm. You're thinking false imprisonment; Gigi is right that it doesn't apply.
If you prefer the diacritical mark, use the correct one: é.
>Everything after opening Fennekin's ball.
You're in the groove here. Keep it up.
You'e doing pretty good, Anon.
The above mentioned most of what I anted to say. But also, don't be afraid of cutting out things that might be unnecessary. I saw a few things that I would personally cut, but that's just me.
But like above also said, you're doing good. Keep it up.
Thanks again for the feedback, anons. I'm editing shit right now and hopefully it should be done by tomorrow or something. One thing I noticed however is that the first chapter doesn't really tell that it's supposed to be a fic about Pokémon battles viewed as modern sports, but I don't really think that's a problem if the sports thing gradually comes out with further chapters.
>I don't really think that's a problem if the sports thing gradually comes out with further chapters.
Assuming that that is where the story wants to go. It might go elsewhere. Keep it interesting and it doesn't matter what you're writing "about".
So, I've decided to write an SMD fic from the perspective of the protagonist. Any advice? Keep in mind that I have never written fanfiction, nor have I ever written romance (and yes, there will be partner/MC non-smutty romance, because I ship them as fully as it is possible to ship two non-physical beings).
Ironically I'm doing the same thing at the moment with the request.
Though smut was requested.Heh.
Now, the most important thing to remember is WHO THEY ARE. They are not characters you made, they are characters with their own personalities. You need to remember how each of them act. How each of them would react to your situation. Do not sacrifice the characters at the expense of the story. The story should fit them, not the other way around.
Also, remember to avoid purple prose.
I don't know for certain because I'm lazy, but I'm pretty sure a really good place to start is to read A Little Braver in that there catalog. If I'm not mistaken it's pretty much what you're going to do but in Sky, and presumably done reasonably right (Which, again, I don't actually know because I'm too lazy to read it. I've just heard some things)
The way I'd go about retelling the story is a very careful one. Nobody really gives a shit to hear the same thing over again with far more detail, but if you can spice it up enough that it's original than there may be hope. Also, though I don't expect you to take this bit with how you've been going about it, I would most certainly try to throw a twist in the center that completely changes the direction of the story. Like, off the fucking rails kind of twist.
As for the romance part, I can't say I know too well the specifics of how to make that work
even if I'm writing that exact thing as we speak, and seems to be turning out damn smooth.Obviously it shouldn't be an incredible focal point, but I don't think you should feel afraid to tease that shit a bit. Everyone and their mothers go to ship the MC and their partner though, so you reeeeeeally have to stick it.
...Actually, I'm the original requester of that fic, you wonderful wonderful man you.
Anyway, that's true for the partner (and quite the adorable personality it is!), but besides that part of the reason I'm writing this fic was to add a bit of 3-dimensionality to the protagonist. They're an amnesiac with a talent for fighting, and they are very determined. That's all we're given, and sometimes that last bit is contradicted. Most of the characters are very well-developed (Bunnelby, Farfetch'd, and possibly Roselia are the exceptions to this rule), so I'll have little trouble writing around them. I've had practice running and post-recording a few D&D games from various perspectives, so let's see what happens!
As for the purple prose, I make no promises. The prose may even become lavender.
I actually did read this! It was, in fact, done right. As for the twist...I dunno. How do you twist this kinda thing? [/spoiler]Someone else is possessed by Dark Matter?[/spoiler]
Espurr really does betray you? A combination of the previous two? Nah, I like psychic kitty too much to do that to her. ...Petrified 'mons animate as statues and go on the attack?I've got no fucking idea, and the plot seemed to be really, really good anyhow. Besides, I don't think Braver did any kind of M. Night Shamalamadingdong TWEEST, so...well, I probably can't imitate them, but let's see what happens, shall we? What happens will probably be me failing miserably. Just warning you.
Oh, also: the story parts are the point, and they're important and all that, but I really feel that the parts in between are the things that are going to make or break your potential failure. The filler episodes, you know? You'd get to be animated about the goddamn Salamence fight, you get to share the horrors of that water slope bitch cave and it's Drifblims, and most importantly you get to introduce plot devices through the means of non-story interactions.
What would happen if one of the partners lost their scarves to a thief and were in the process of tracking them down just days before the Entei fight and they had to go without? There, you have a new twist, an ongoing arc intersecting with story, AND a conflict + reveal done differently and freshly.
Okay, this is a half-complete rough draft of my first chapter, but I'm going to sleep now and I was kinda hoping someone would rip it apart like a pack of wild dogs before I woke up. http://pastebin.com/40xxVVDj
Oh, right, that kind of thing. I was already planning on including some fuckery around the filler missions. One instance in particular, actually, with the field trip with Deerling. On that mission in particular, a Persian showed up and used Thief, stealing away a looplet. It apparently got to the stairs or despawned or SOMETHING, because I was walking around until I was nearly out of apples before I gave up. That is getting included in some way, shape, or form.
Hey, you're being a wonderful person and writing a thing for a random anon on /vp/. Take as long as you need.
Namefagging discarded cuz it makes me feel dirty even though I'm a shill. Regardless, there are plenty of people here who are far more analytical and intelligent than me, but I might try my hand at tackling what you got so far with them. It's the least I could do for offering mediocre advice and using up posts. That, and since it's not too large my lazy schedule fits it in right well.
Alright lemme see if I can do something here
First off I'm going to address a few of the similes you've been throwing down. While it might just be personal preference inhibiting me from appreciating them, they still seem a tad out of place in this opening setting. I'm talkin:
>my head pounded like a Darmanitan with a grudge
>and the pounding in my head accelerated to the rhythm of a crazed Ninjask
I just don't like the idea of using pokemon in place of animals in those kinds of similes. However, it occurs to me that they're 1) Used too closely together. I'd personally put a lot more paragraphs in between. And 2) Are somewhat unexplained in regards to the MC not yet knowing they've become a smugleaf. He uses these comparisons openly despite having experienced serious amnesia, though I suppose it could be chocked up to his past subconscious making the comparisons for him. Personally, I'd just stay away from these kinds of things for now until there's a finer establishment. Also:
>something that crawled over me like razor-legged millipedes.
Caught an error of sorts. If you're using other pokemon in similes above and revert to a literal creature like a millipede then you've already slipped on your consistency. Don't fuck much with the way you described the psychic attack though, I kind of really like it.
Continuing on though, I find the few introductory lines to be a little... disorienting? It's obvious what you were going for, but I personally felt the need to back over and imagine what kind of statement the narrator was responding to, considering I wasn't the one doing the responding and rather just read what was given to me. Perhaps this part could do with a little more flesh, or something along the lines of repitition so that it's better conveyed what they're responding to. If you really want to get jiggy with it, go full blown "How I Met Your Mother" retarded and actually make the first scene a Serp telling the story.
As for some other problems, I've noticed you fall into the syndrome of "Holy fuck commas are hype shit". Examples include:
>I tried to remember how I got here, but came up with nothing. I tried to remember the previous night, wondering if that would help, and still remembered nothing
>Eventually, my lungs ran out, and I sat back gasping for breath.
>Stumbling to my feet,
>Never had simple, pure water tasted so good
Hold the fuck on lemme post the next one
More often than not the structure of your writing uses more far more commas than is necessary. That's nothing to panic about though, cuz once the great and mighty I had this terrible disease as well. For sixty thousand words of Skyrim RP (as my first considerable fictional piece) I absolutely slammed down on imagery and realized later I had went haywire on commas. It's something you learn to see before it happens, it's just something you deal with. While writing try to read back the sentence you're about to throw down in your head and see if you can word it in a way that doesn't require to be broken up. That's not to say you can't use commas ever again, or that several in rapid succession might not sound correct as you read it back, but it's best if you most actively spread out these tastes. Eventually it'll become an automatic thinking process and second only to the subject you're developing. May I suggest something to assist in your addiction; the semicolon?
Other than those things it seems like it's all just a matter of refining the setting and thoughts of the MC so that the tempo of the fic stays enjoyable. Most importantly, what you need to focus on is perseverance and dedication. Writing is a thing of sublty, something that takes a lot of coordination to really make well. A good enough author can make any bullshit boring story anyone's already heard into something new and exciting. This path you've chosen is a difficult one to adhere to, on par with making a compelling journeyfic. Submit yourself to this silly degeneracy fully, and write the fuck out of cherishing your special doggo.
>commas are hype shit
Commas are pretty hype, and they're not to blame in those examples. The problem is TELL.
>I tried to remember how I got here, but came up with nothing. I tried to remember the previous night, wondering if that would help, and still remembered nothing
Boiled down, that is: "I did this and failed. I did this because reasons and failed."
Literally, you're telling the audience your intent and the whole thing is establishing that MC has amnesia. If we're going to BE INTERESTING, portray the experience, not the intent.
" 'Where am I?' the only question I could find in my fogged mind, I could not answer. Whatever happened to me, it robbed me of everything since... yesterday afternoon? Struggling to my feet, I assumed that it couldn't be much more than that."
>Eventually, my lungs ran out, and I sat back gasping for breath.
When you write first-person, MC is your Point Of View character. Again, experience, not intent. Save intent for non-POV character actions that are boring parts you need to zip through to get to interesting stuff. Now, let's share an experience:
"Each breath felt heavier as I approached complete exhaustion, and when I collapsed, overwhelmed, I could do little more than steady myself half-seated and gasp for breath."
>Stumbling to my feet,
Silly: You stumble off of your feet and fall, not stumble onto your feet and rise.
>Never had simple, pure water tasted so good
The comma is doing its job: separate unrelated adjectives that apply to one noun. The problem is that "simple" is a bogus adjective (what precisely is complicated water?) and whatever it would mean is covered by "pure".
Semicolons are snakes. Handle them correctly or you'll get bitten. They are NOT a fix for comma splices; they are a way to say two things about one thing. (And to escape list items when commas are in the items.)
Okay, thank you so much for the review...but I just have three little things I wanted to mention. One, it's going to be a bit of a plot point that all of his memories were wiped, but "muscle memory" and the subconscious are still intact. Remember where be reached behind his back near the end? That's gonna be important.
Also, as for the the sudden real-life animal thingy, I always had it in my head that while Pokèmon have taken most niches in the animal kingdom, there are a few things in nature they're just too big or animate or intelligent for (for example, small-scale insects).
As for the opening lines...I watched The Princess Bride a few days ago. Don't judge me. Also, they were in italics, but Pastebin's a cockmongler about formatting.
Alright edited some more shit and separated most of the dialogue so that it's easier to read. Edited a few scenes a bit, mostly Pedro waking up and Gigi's arrival at Mike's house. Didn't really change anything in the Fennekin scene cause nothing came to mind. I don't know if I should add anything else, since it looks pretty much done for me. Criticism and feedback is always appreciated.
>separated most of the dialogue
Fail at first glance. For the sake of clarity since the example I pastebinned did not stick, I'll detail one clump for you:
>"Ain't that funny, Mike?" [o]ne of them asked, looking towards the other student. (The interrogation mark serves as the end-of-quote comma, minuscule 'o' because this is one sentence.)
Focus shifts, new paragraph.
>Said student remained silent for a few seconds, adjusting his black mess of a hair [do] and staring blankly at the floor before noticing that someone had spoken to him. "Oh? Yeah, it's pretty funny[,]" [h]e said with a dull look on his face as he kept adjusting his hair.
Returning to the previous speaker, ¶.
> "Seriously, man. You were in class when that happened, didn't you? (Didn't you what?) It was pretty funny[,] don't you think?" [t]he one who [told] the story asked, but [his question] was met just by an annoyed sigh.
>I don't know if I should add anything else, since it looks pretty much done for me.
It is, except for the polish. You introduce the premise, establish the characters, and introduce the first conflict. That's a first chapter.
Once that's cleaned, it's time for the fun to begin: Chapter 2, Plot Development Boogaloo.
Oh, well I did separate most of the lines in the end and was a bit more lenient with the start because I felt that separating too many lines at the very start of the chapter would be a bit weird, but I edited that right now. Check and see if it's better or something. Not sure what I should start polishing or rewriting though.
Choosing the lesser of evils is occasioned once or twice in a fic, but "leniency" is no option. At a glance, what makes this revision awkward isn't the number of paragraphs, but that each line begins with ". You can lead with narration and conclude with the quotation, too, or put the quotation in the middle. Example:
>One of the asked, "Ain't that funny, Mike?" of another student.
>Mike remained silent for a few seconds. Staring at the floor while adjusting his messy, black hair, it took a moment for him to realize that somebody had spoken to him. "Oh? Yeah. It's pretty funny."
>He kept on adjusting his hair until he was questioned again by the same classmate. "Seriously, man. You were in the class when that happened, weren't you?" That question and another wondering if Mike throught the event was funny were together met by an annoyed sigh.
>Not sure what I should start polishing or rewriting though.
Start on Chapter 2. You have (or had, as I noted yesterday) momentum. Keep it up. You need to do more writing before you'll be ready to do more re-writing. You'll know when you've leveled up because you'll go back to this chapter to polish it, and it will be so drastic yet effortless that you'll rewrite it and wonder how the previous draft happened to you.
Expect to write 100k before you're truly qualified to put on the editor's cap. Don't bother trying to rush it.
So I'm working on the fic, and I've ran into a problem - the protagonist and partner (and that one random sword in Noe Town) have names, but literally nobody else does. How do I write around this? Anyone got a headcanon I can work with?
Obviously the partner gives themselves a name because they think that the MC having one is cool. The MC gets to have one because they're not even a pokemon. Nobody really gives a fuck about names in this world because it's basically just like a title, or an unnecessary self-given identity.
This may sound dumb but
Since the protag is human, they can have their human name. And since the partner is adopted, Carracosta may have not been familiar with the species so he gave them a new name.
...Buddy...I'm writng your story. I knw about Jacob and Miranda. I'm writing them
hugging as we speak.
Honestly, I feel it's just the person's preference. I know peple who prefer to be called by their last name, or by a nickname. They like to be called that because that's what they like.
Uh, I'd twist >>25078199 so that she made everyone start calling her the name and they were all "Whatever" because it was the fuckin PSMD partner and nobody cared to deal with them.
I dunno I twist too many things
Nobody is going to NOT use their partner's name when they write their bullshit. I know that I cannot actually comprehend them as anyone but their name, and if I read someone else's interpretation I'd probably just subconsciously insert.
Yeah, you're right, I suppose. Anyway, I like Rosenon's idea of "personal preference" where it's convenience to use species names, but she's the PSMD partner and prefers her nickname...name...thingy and thus keeps it.
I'm not even planning on bringing this up, I just have trouble writing a story without explaining such things.
So I did a bit of writing, and I think I've finished the first chapter. Someone tell me exactly how stupid it is before I continue? (Why yes, it is the same Pastebin link, but I'm reposting it to save people time.)
See, I did those because I thought the first few were too short, but I couldn't find a way to smash them together. So I overcompensated the other way. WHOOPSIE DAISY. I'll just go ahead and fix that. Anything else, story-wise?
I liek you, you're funny. As for the story, nothing too glaring, though I'll hold off on the two walls gettng broken up a bit. And don't worry about it being too short. Remember this: If there's a speaker change, new paragraph.
Elesa moonlighting as a stripper while flannery watches.
Okay, so I haven't done much in the way of breaking it up like this (PbP D&D doesn't have much need for such formatting) so if it's shaky, please offer corrections.
Seconding Rosenon's idea, or maybe something with Elesa trying to teach Roxie how to cash in on her success.
No. There is nothing that ruins girl-on-girl faster than...THAT. Except maybe some really disturbing fetishes.
How about Caitlyn and Shauntl getting bored in the E4? Maybe White accidentally walks in on them and joins them, or at least gets horribly embarrassed?
You're doing better, but you can break it down further. Keep at it.
Also, I'm still working on that story, so my attention is split, but you might wanna check out some of your words. Line 48. An eyebrow cannot be sardonic, but you can raise it sardonically.
Oh, and one other thing. My partner is Fennekin (of course) and when I was starting, I cashed in two Wonder Mail codes for Round. I was planning on having her "automatically" know it (in place of Scratch), and when she's no longer
sad after I accidentally tell her she's annoying, she ends up teaching me to do the same. Is this going to break things too much? (It won't in-game, I did a run with that before to no effect.) Will it make it too hard to relate to the story?
Meanwhile, a brilliant idea. In the past, most Pokemon used names, as Pokemon were more plentiful back then. After the
First Dark Matter Incident, the ranks of Pokemon were decimated, and the Pokemon themselves got scattered by being turned to stonein different places, so they started using species names as a convention to refer to each other. Eventually, this became common. However, the partner's a big fan of old stories and histories (and rather enjoys imagining herself in them), and since everyone has a name though convention means that it's used VERY rarely, she decides to use hers to refer to herself, at which point everyone just says "fuck it" and refers to her that way because it's too much trouble not to the way she reacts. Pancham might sometimes, though, just for the reaction.
Too autistic? Not autistic enough?
What? No, I wasn't planning on that.
...How would a stubborn desire to be called by her actual name and a love for old stories come up in a questionably smutty fic anyway? I mean, maybe the first one, but they were already going to be calling each other by their names anyway.
I want to know, but at the same time I don't.
Anyway, I'd better get some sleep. Second chapter is...well, it's just starting, so we'll see. I'll try and post it tomorrow, assuming my new work schedule doesn't just fuck my shit up. Thanks for everything!