Have you given up?
I don't really see a way out.
I'm ugly, I'm not interested in anything, I hate having to work although its a nice job so far, solitude, sadness for long periods of time.
I feel like crying all the time but I can't. I was reading the adoption thread here and it made me even sadder. Fuck.
My depression has been taking over my life for about 4 years now, but I never gave up. I had bouts of happiness and even had a job at one point. But then a lot of shit came crashing down at once and it's hard to keep pushing forward.
This board usually makes depression worse.
More than you know. I'm preparing myself to be homeless because I can't muster the motivation to change my situation. Parents are growing sick of my laziness
Doesn't matter if I try, I'm not smart, talented, or useful in anyway.
>be 250+ pounds, lonely, depressed, meds and ECT don't help, find out I may have autism
>be a NEET in every sense of the word
>super autistic gay drug-addict friend comes over one day and gives me an application to McDonald's
>tells me we're going to begin a new life at McDonald's together
>he doesn't get hired because he's creepy, he spirals deeper into his own mental health problems and becomes psychotic and gets institutionalized
>I get hired at McDonald's however
>it's really not that bad
>save up $12,000 (no expenses since I live with my parents)
>lose all the excess weight and slim down
>go to college
>mom makes me quit my job, tells me she saved up $20,000 for my tuition
>get a 4.0 every semester
>email the Dean demanding money
>he gives me a scholarship for $600 and I can do it again every semester
>still no gf or friends, but my mind is now a one-man party and nobody else is allowed in
>masturbate, read, do homework, repeat
>feel pretty good
There's always a way out Anon.
Yeah, I'll tell ya. Get ready for a fuck ton of cringe.
>Senior in HS
>Talked to bitches like crazy in 9th grade
>Never met in person though
>One girl in particular
>total basketcase (schizo, BPD, suicidal, etc.)
>get oneitis as a slight beta orbiter for a year
>started off able to date
>never made a move
>she lost interest
>fast forward to next girl
>date for 2 years
>goes away to college
>we break up before hand
>impossible for me to move on
That's just girl issues. My mother is an alcoholic which started when I was in 8th grade so I have mommy issues meaning I look at gf's as a caretaker (which is fucking stupid) plus constantly disappoint my dad by skipping classes at community college because depression has worsened. My mom is sober now and tries to treat me like a man child but I'm still bitter and don't want any of it. I can't talk to any of my friends about anything, my ex is already fucking a chad, and I feel genuinely hopeful. I am constantly filled with false hope for the future because that's my personality. But I think the depression has sunk so deep that the chemical imbalance is making it physically impossible to "willpower through".
Girl problems, I'm a beta cuck, mommy issues, disappointment to everyone in general, tired of false hope
>serious medical condition leaves me spending half my life in hospital
>all I ever wish for is for some female affection
>it will never happen
My life is a joke.
Life itself looks wonderful, but I won't get to enjoy it.
Are you good looking? That may be the reason why there's hope for you.
I have a job, am skinny, don't have to pay for college, will probably buy an apartment until the end of the year but I know i will always be miserable because of my awful face.
What's the point of appreciating art, studying, working if I'll never be loved?
Buy all the vydia you can get, it will distract you.
You need to give up on the fact that you will get married and have a nice family, this times are over anon, the feminists won.
Good luck and don't kill yourself, there is plenty of good vydia or anime before you die
I have four videogames and all the games, but I don't like to play.
I just watched some anime, but I'm starting to get distracted easily. Even reading is getting harder.
I never wanted to have a family, just a girlfriend. I don't like responsibilities.
>tthis times are over anon, the feminists won.
if you are good looking it makes no difference.
and let's be honest, even if feminists didn't exist, I would be sad as hell. I would still be ugly and rejected because of that.
I'm almost 30, have been depressed for 15 years at this point. it doesn't get better, you just get more numb as time goes on. escapism and distractions only work for so long, at some point you lose all interest and it never really returns in full.
basically think of depression as a treatable tumor that will never go away
Definitely not good looking, don't know if I'm ugly though. I just see an average person when I look in the mirror, although I hate photographs of myself.
Every improvement I make is something I jealously guard. I won't risk my grades by pursuing girls if it might destabilize me. I'm contemplating befriending the qt in one of my classes, but again, I'm willing to cut my losses and walk away if it only makes me unhappy.
>I'm almost 30, have been depressed for 15 years at this point. it doesn't get better, you just get more numb as time goes on. escapism and distractions only work for so long, at some point you lose all interest and it never really returns in full.
Yeah, just realized that. I'm 24.
if they were actually your friends they'd try and help you. they aren't your friends, your just the jackass of the social circle that they laugh at.
been there, done that, got rid of them all. I'd rather be alone than be the ass end of jokes, I feel mentally better off too.
I used to be so fucking smart. I was reading like 200 books a year. I got accepted to Columbia University (didn't go because I couldn't afford it). A professor let me start some advanced materials science research, and I made a thesis with it and presented my research poster at Harvard.
Then, something just changed. I started hallucinating every day, my motivation dipped to all time lows, I couldn't care for myself or leave the bed. I would go like three days without eating sometimes, just because I didn't want to get up. I'm really fucking stupid now. My brain feels like it's fucking broken. I was hospitalized and they told me I have disorganized schizophrenia. That's a lifelong, incurable illness. I refuse to take the meds because they turn me into a zombie and make me even more unable to take care of myself.
Fuck, I could have really gone places and it's all gone now. I had so much potential. My life's been fucking ruined. All I do is browse 4chan and listen to music.
Seriously contemplating suicide now. Apparently like 10% of schizos wind up killing themselves, and I can see why.
I'm working on a music album too. It's gonna be like three hours long, so far I've finished one hour of it. I'm lucky I taught myself guitar before I went mad. I visualize it as my final master opus. My last cry of despair before I end the suffering. Maybe I'll post it on here and /mu/ every day for a week, then off myself.
Thanks for reading, I usually never get any responses and just wind up killing the thread. I'm so lonely and desperate for social interaction, but whenever I add people on Skype I wind up just cutting them off because it takes too much energy to maintain a friendship.
I realized concretely today that 5 years ago I was at the peak of my life, and now I'm dejected by everyone and crawling at the bottom
literally five years without any kind of help or lasting improvement to my fate. Fuck this ride
Lurk /out/ for a bit, they have info on what you need. Shelter, nonperishable food, warm clothing. Sometimes there's even threads on homelessness, urban survival, vagabonds, etc.
Use it as an opportunity to prove to yourself that you are self reliant enough to not die from lack of basic needs. From there, contentment will follow.
Sorry, not really looking for friends.
It's very noisy and dark. I guess you could call it shoegaze, but I don't know. Some of it is acoustic folk-ey type stuff too.
I have to reread my posts a lot before I post them, to see if they make sense. I'm usually able to communicate coherently with others, but there are lots of awkward silences because my mind wanders a lot or my thoughts start to turn into gibberish. I try not to talk one-on-one with anyone, I prefer to be talking in a group and butting in with some comment when I think of one.
The illness kinda waxes and wanes. I post really delusional thoughts on my off-days. People don't usually reply, because they're like huge wallposts that don't make a lot of sense. They take off on /x/ sometimes, because they're all fucking bonkers there too. I'm trying not to encourage them though, so I've been refraining myself.
I talk about various supernatural powers I think I have or paranormal experiences I think have happened to me. I get convinced sometimes that I have the ability to talk to ghosts or enter people's dreams. I also have this belief that each person has a second "higher" self that lies in another dimension, their true essential being that seeks to become real, and I have the power to communicate with that higher self. Sometimes I'm convinced God is speaking to me too, and it's made me do dangerous stuff like walking out into a blizzard.
I don't want friends because I can't maintain them. I lose interest. If I added anyone here, I wouldn't ever know what to say. They would think I was ignoring them or thought they were boring or that I was lying about being lonely. I feel bad every time I lose a friend, so I just don't bother adding people anymore.
Share some powers you have?
>I lose interest.
>They would think I was ignoring them
>I feel bad every time I lose a friend
Didn't you say before you were lonely or socially isolated or something? Why not just put a little effort into chatting with them? Do you just find people boring?
I'm a shitty liberal arts major that doesn't even find interest in drawing anymore. I don't know if I became depressed because I stopped drawing or if I stopped drawing because I become depressed. I either sleep top much or too little and still wake up feeling like shit. I've always had bouts of depression since elementary school, but so far, this is the longest one (2 years) and it doesn't seem to be ending. It seems like it's getting worse and I want to die, yet I can't even get the courage to off myself and I feel too embarrassed to seek for help. Everytime I try to make things better, i always end up relapsing and going back to self-loathing depression. I don't know what to do anymore. I no longer even find comfort in my old forms of escapism- anime and music. I don't care about being happy anymore, just want to feel okay and be able to function properly in society.
Reading minds and astral projection and the other stuff I've mentioned. There's still a part of me that thinks they're true. They all started from hallucinations I've had, as a way to explain them. I've like been in people's dreams, and then asked them if they dreamt about me the next morning, and sometimes they said they did. I don't know. But I recognize they're weird things to claim I can do.
I feel loneliness, but once I'm actually talking to someone the interest recedes away. I don't know what to talk about and my mind gets jumbled. I get embarrassed when I can't think straight, so I give one-word answers and try to make the conversation end. I have some roommates who I consider my friends, but I rarely speak with them.
I have a therapist. I find it difficult to talk with him. He's always trying to make me feel something, but I don't really feel anything. I'd be talking about something traumatic like my childhood abuse, and then he'd comment that I looked bored or disinterested. I don't know, I have a lot of trouble with emotions. They're bottled up when I should be feeling things and bursting out when I have no reason to be emotional.
I feel like emotions are an essential part of the therapy process, so I'm not getting much benefit from it. Talking in an expressionless monotone about my problems doesn't feel cathartic at all.
You give me hope anon. I'm a NEET, I'm pretty sure I'm at least on the spectrum, 27 years old never worked never did anything in my life living off family. My sister finally got tired of my shit and offered to pay me to go to college. I just have to get in and she will pay for everything (I'll still be living at home so realy it's only tuition) but I'm scared shitless. I don't think i can handle college. I'm so scared about when the time comes that I'll crash and burn, and I'm pretty sure that will be the last straw, I won't be able to come back from that I don't know what will happen then. Literally everyday living hell anxiety just thinking about what's to come.
Realized I've made a huge mistake by going to university. After high school I had like $20 000 saved up. I could've bought some cheap land outside of a small town and been a farmer or neet or something. Now I'm 3 years into a program that I fucking hate and won't be able to finish and I'm in several thousand dollars in debt. I fucked up. I've fucked everything up and I can't admit it to anyone but my life is going to fall apart any day now. I'm on a tipping point and I don't see how my life can go anywhere but down from here.
Just thinking about this makes my chest feel all tight and I start having trouble breathing. This has started happening while I'm in public too. I hope I die of a brain aneurysm tonight so I don't have to deal with this shit anymore
>listening to gf cry
>are you ok? what are you thinking abouy
>"ways to off myself"
>talk about what her funeral will be like, hugging her brother, etc.
>"you don't even care that I'm thinking about that do you"
>tfw think about dying 24/7 since like 2nd grade
>tfw imagining my funeral makes me happier and love everybody more
why don't she just learn to be irrationally optimistic??
that's what I do. I hate myself and figure that hating my life will help me be closer to other people who hate their lives too. it's lovely sharing pain.
Daniel Johnston is often erroneously considered to be schizophrenic, but is just a delusional bipolar. He was a brilliant musician, which I assume you aren't, but might find his story somewhat parallel to your own. There's a documentary called... The devil and Daniel Johnston? Something like that, follows his career and various foibles and how he pretty much can't take care of himself etc. It's not really a feel good story but it's a story.
>I wont risk my grades by living actual life if it might destabilize me.
Fixed that for you, also I feel as though you should be aware that near no one wishes they took less chances and spent more time alone when they're dying. Well, unless they've got the AIDS I guess.
Depressed over my height. My life is utterly hopeless. No one respects me or takes me seriously. Women won't date me. I am a failure.
Going to college for a shitty teaching degree because it's the only thing I'm good at. Community college is like being stuck in limbo. I'm thinking of dropping out. I can't stand going into public every day and constantly seeing people who are taller than me. It makes me feel inadequate. I'd rather be a NEET.
Pic related. I don't have an outlet to express my anger, so I plastered about 20 of these "5'6"" signs on my wall and my door and trashed the fuck out of my room. Nearly smashed a few things with a baseball bat. I can't wait until my parents find me in the morning. I'm considering suicide.
i'm 26 and, like you, a complete NEET, through and through. i live at home still with my younger brother who is also a NEET. you're doing better than i am in having a sister who wants to pay you to do shit.
There is no way out. Either you kill yourself, become a hermit or you start improving. WHereas "improving" means you let the normies shit on your for things out of your control. You accept being humiliated. You accept having to work extremely hard to get things that others get easily. You accept your shitty position in society and do the best with what you were given. But to me, that's pure cuckoldry. People treat you like you shit and so your answer is to work hard to fit in with the very same people? FUCK THAT AND FUCK NORMIES:
Every time I try to go out and interact with people I just feel im making a complete ass of myself.
I just feel like im in such deep water when im talking to people, it never goes well, people just dont respond well to me, it always fails.
Ive stopped believing in the advice about "all it takes is practice".
Why cant I just be like everyone else? I hate being so disconnected and distanced from regular society.
I have been practicing at social interaction in various ways since I started college years ago but nothing comes of it.
I give up. It took too long to finally decide to, or rather to truly mean to. We aren't all meant to attain the same things, this is obvious. I am not meant to be with someone or to partake in romance, just to congratulate those that do succeed. That's fine, I can focus on myself.
I had this time yesterday but I went for a 35 mile walk and then watched the last X Files episode which was perfectly timed and profound.
I was never properly depressed as in the mental illness tho. Just burnt out, sick and heartbroken.
Who here /urgent mental health care/
My bf called 999 last night because i was a little suicidal (read: very). Ended up in a&e.
I got home at 4:30am :c
I had a nice Irish guy book an appointment for me at some psych place. Yay that's tomorrow.
>clinically depressed for 4 years
>psych wards on seroquel, geodon, prozac and friends
If you make it, depression is the best thing that can happen to someone. I still get into some bad moods sometimes and get urges to cut again but it's better. I cry more now though, it helps.