This is the only way I can describe it. There's a trigger. Usually I'm set off by something I don't have control over that will upset me deeply. I feel a cold sensation followed by a rush of blood to the veins in my wrists. Do you know that sensation of putting your feet in a hot bath. but they initially feel cold? It's a similar sensation in my veins. The center of of my chest feels pierced with it too. I feel nothing but a hot/cold loathing. My mind feels clear with the intent to hurt others, then it passes after playing out fantasy's in my head. I tend to be an understanding open minded person who can be charitable and loving. On the other hand when I momentarily feel this I feel capable of horrifying actions. Nothing with guns or weapons, but something more primal like jumping on an aggressor blank faced and choking them till the lights go out.
Anyone else out there that feels this? If so how do you handle it? I tend to drink/drugs and meditation hasn't helped.
>Yeah, I love spending money talking to someone who can't relate...
Are you here to get some actual fucking advice or are you here because you want to keep making excuses for being the way you are?
You genuinely need to seek help.
Asking for advice from other crazy fucks tends to make the crazy crazier. Various internet forums that revolve around similar shit becomes less of support groups and more of straight up enablement of bad behavior.
anon.. I'm gonna be completely honest here.. I've never heard someone explain what I feel inside better than what you already have. The Only thing I would add is that everyone always talks about how calm and level headed I am.. how no matter the situation, I never seem to elevate. I can only think to myself that It isn't optional.. If I was to elevate I'd surely be in prison.
This started in 2009 when my best friend who I was in love with asked for my comfort in her suicide. I was the only person who showed her affection in her life. she was beautiful, but tortured, molested, and beat into coming to the conclusion that it was never going to get better. I held her for as long as I could. To this day I've only mentioned the incident to one other person. ever since, I've been livid... after losing the only thing I'll ever truly want... I feel capable of taking from others.. lives, loved ones, sense of security. the sound of happiness makes my blood run cold.
If you're asking for help in the matter, I'd suggest finding a hobby that is both destructive yet productive. such as wood working, bladesmithing, or pottery. maybe even gardening, depending on what your into. Being completely in control of whether or not something turns out pleasant or worthless is almost theraputic... the attention to detail I think is the real key though.. the precise hand workings. Or if you prefer a more violent route, muay thai is very satisfying, just practice self control, which if you're anything like me is almost second nature at this point. I do it without thought or effort.
Don't seek medical help. I was prescribed 4 different types of mental and emotional stabilizers and anti-depressants. Stopped refilling them because all they did was make me voice the thoughts in my head out loud before i could think to not do so. once I felt a violent urge, I'd go on a detailed rant about what I'd like to do.
If you can't read,"If you don't relate gtfo"; then you need some professional help on reading comprehension. I know what this bottomless hole 4chan is. I want to know the other folks who feel this same sensation. I don't intend to enable or hurt. Fantasy is an escape like so many others use and profit from on the entertainment industry. Is it healthy? More or less.
I'm in a state program you basic austistic sheep. Been in others. This isn't that conversation.
ignore these other fucks. They don't understand that you're not going to actually hurt anyone. your just as capable of loving as they are, not some deranged monster hellbent on murder.
hatred is what fuels me to be a better person. I'm /fit/ because of it. every girl I've been with loves the sex we have because of it. To the point where my girlfriend of 6 months told her friend about how great it was and we now have threesomes on a regular basis.
my question to you anon is what do are you passionate about?
OP here. I hope you find peace brother. What you wrote I felt has insight on wrath. Do you think when something is lost we tend to spite others who still have, or is it something else? I've also been in a heavy relationship with a girl who been molested (father) but seemed to recover. We we're both sick for different reasons, but found solace while we were together. It's now 7 months later and 3000 miles apart and that door to get back to is locked now. I try to paint/craft but it's not as comforting as the years before. I'm thinking of joining the army.
Yes. Show us please. Perhaps with some words of context is needed.
I don't feel the physical sensations that OP feels, but I've felt the strong desire to destroy and obliterate myself. Out of guilt for not being able to do anything to save my daughter and mother in law from being murdered, and seeing my wife (now ex) maimed at the hands of others and seeing her go through follow up surgery and rehab.
I closed myself up emotionally and became cold to deflect the pain. I have been without compassion and emotion towards others since then, but I have gotten better.
Mainly as this anon >>16838241 describes through a hobby that exercises control, perfection and discipline, even though with my hobby (art) these concepts are subjective and arbitrary.
So yes, please show us what you have created.
Peace be with you. I'll deliver
Website for work. It's sometimes it's my job. Not much, but it's the only stuff I put out there because my other stuff has been misused before. This has copyright.
Thanks. It's hard creating lately. And it feels selfish because I haven't experienced the tragedy you anons have shared. Anxiety pain anger left me blank with no relationships, friends. It's either another dead end job, army, or traveling broke. Acceptable to walk away? I can't pay the bills in this state of mind.
>5 unique posters
ITT the op pretends to be an edgelord and shill his mediocre art even /ic/ would laugh at
I don't really have the physical symptoms, but the emotional response is there.
I just learned to ignore it. If the urge gets stronger, I just remind myself that actually following through would be incredibly difficult, and have severe consequences. That stops it. And as long as I don't do anything, what does it matter what I think about?