Calling femanons, preferably
I broke up with my girlfriend a couple nights ago. It's a very long story, but we do still love each other, and it was really hard for me to do.
After a lot of her begging, pleading, and crying -- all three of which I am just not good with -- she finally said, "I love you, and I'm going to let you go."
Finally, I thought... if only because that's what I really wanted to hear.
But then she begged a single favor: that when I have taken time for myself, may it take months, or even years, that I reach out to her so that she can have one more chance with me. Given that I we had only told each other moments prior that we were "always" going to love each other (I think we meant different things by that, though), I lazily and hesitantly said, "Okay."
Her spirits lifted, we parted ways almost kind of happily, because she was essentially telling herself that this breakup was more of "pause", and that everything was going to be okay for us. I reminded her that this was nevertheless a breakup, and that I couldn't promise her anything. Whether or not she understood that, I have no idea.
/adv/, should I feel bad for her possibly having this impression that we may someday be back in each other's arms? Is this a normal thought process for a female being broken up with? Will this sense of hope fade? I'm not saying that our having a future is impossible, per se, but it's definitely the last thing I'm thinking about right now, since I'm all geared up and set to take care of myself as a single man.
Your thoughts and input are much obliged, /adv/. Thank you.
Ok now that I have fully read the thread, here is my reply: I think her reaction is appropriate based on her experiences because she fucking loves you, but at the same time, it's unrealistic. She's just clinging onto hope because, frankly, it's one of the worst feelings in the world to lose hope.
Please, kill her kindly and remove all hope of ever being together again (because as you wrote, that was your wish). It's for the best. It will hurt, but clinging to hope that you'll be together again is really unrealistic.
That's the thing though. We have agreed to cut out communication. One of the most appropriate post-breakup responses as far as I'd be concerned.
Are you suggesting then that I reopen communication just to tell her that it's over to the max?
Forgot to add this in my last reply:
P.S: I think you should take a screenshot of your original post and show it to your (now) ex. It will give her closure
Which one? Haha if it's the one I put up, I just snagged that off Google reeeeal quick. The 'one week later' pic is what I sure hope she reaches. If I reach the one week later for the dude, I'll bear with it. This is really the only way.
Realistically, cutting contact forever won't fix everything. It's obvious everything isn't 100% settled, based on your (now) ex's reactions.
What I'm suggesting is to remove hope of ever being back together again. Do it firmly but gently, at the same time. If you do not do this, it will cause agonizing pain for her, for a long time.
Are you familiar with that little saying, "I'd rather lose the argument than the relationship?"
I lived by those words for the entire time, and it eventually drove me off the deep end. She picked a lot of dumb fights a lot. Random arguments, arguing for the sake of arguing. Demanded I change my opinions if she didn't like them. Made me feel guilty if I wanted to do anything that didn't involve hanging out with her. I compromised and compromised, changed my feelings and apologized for her sake. By the time I realized how much that sucked the life out of me, there was too much water under the bridge.
After yet another argument, I had something of a breakdown and ended up in the ER for the night. When I came home with a clearer head, it became solid to me that I didn't want to be in this relationship anymore, because of how grim and sick it made me feel.
She promised she'd change, but I told her that I was making this decision for my own sake, and wanted to pursue a fresh life alone.
It's obvious she isn't getting the point, so yeah, I think if I were you in that situation, I'd send a letter. This way she can have your reply in writing
Wow that doesn't sound like a happy and fulfilling relationship at all. Maybe it's for the best you part ways. I'm keeping in mind that it's only your side of the story; her's is a different side.
By the way these gifs are from the 2009 anime short Redline. If you've never seen it, I recommend it highly. JUST TRUST ME ON IT
I appreciate this reinforcement.
It was definitely progressively less happy and less fulfilling for me as time went on. I was very good to her though. I gave her everything.
Her side of the story, I'd say, would only include this: that I did not properly communicate to her that I was getting more and more unhappy. I sympathize, but at the same time that doesn't serve as a sufficient excuse for not giving back as much as you receive.
When you are in a happy and fulfilling relationship you shouldn't be afraid that the slightest thing will result in a fight with your partner, you are supposed to be happy around your partner, not scared and uneasy.
May I ask, was this her first relationship? What relationship number was this for you? Because it sounds like you've got relationship experience
>And her telling me that I shouldn't have felt that way in the first place didn't really help much.
Honestly, she sounds like a very self-centered person.
Like, did she ever actually care about what made you uncomfortable?
It actually wasn't, and that's what's surprising. She actually has *more* relationship experience than I do.
Her first was about 7 years ago, and that lasted for a couple years too.
Her second was about 3 years ago; lasted for almost one year. He cheated on her (this would create some rifts in our own relationship, because she seemed untrusting of me, even though I never did anything even close to what her ex did).
Her third relationship was more of like a casual fling that lasted for about 5 months. That was just bad all around.
Me, I've only had frivolous, hardly long-lasting relationships. I didn't pick em well, but that's a different story. This one was the first, truly substantial relationship I'd ever had... save for my getting significantly less happy as time went on.
That can be argued, friend.
In fact, it might amuse you to know that when I was on the gurney, she and my cousin talked on the phone. Among her first questions: "What does this mean for our relationship?"
There's no doubt that she loves me... and I love her too, sure. But there was a distinct imbalance between who treated who better, who gave more, who took care of the other more, and so forth.
Whether or not something made me feel uncomfortable was of little consequence to her; so long as her own standards, feelings, and opinions weren't compromised. That was one of the first things she promised she'd change as I was preparing to pull the plug. A beautiful offer, but again, too much water under the bridge. I have no reason to believe that she'd make that change.
>Whether or not something made me feel uncomfortable was of little consequence to her; so long as her own standards, feelings, and opinions weren't compromised.
Yeah Jesus man, you really did the right thing, this is not a good relationship.
No, it wasn't.
But yes, the lingering reminder -- she said she'd change all of that! That's why breaking up with her was initially so difficult. The sound of the girl I've grown so close to treating me the way I should be treated -- how could I refuse? It wasn't before long that I realized that whatever changes she made were likely temporary, and that things would go back to "normal" eventually.
Sounds like she needs to take a break from relationships for a bit. Even though being lonely fucking sucks, and hurts so much. No one said it'd be easy, but it should be done.
As for you, good luck to you, and your newfound singleness.
You're welcome. You can tell I ran out of things to say but still had more gifs to show.
But seriously this feels like it's a breath of fresh air for you, finally away from that abusive relationship
You never run out of those, do you.... They're also perfectly applicable.
Yes, this is indeed a breath of fresh air for me. I guess it's just in the spirit of caring about her as a person that I hope she lets go of whatever hope she thinks she has to hang on to.
Well here's the thing man, people can change, especially after drastic emotional situations (such as a breakup).
So for now just take a break, maybe like a year, if she'll still show interest in you then it means she truly cares and is willing to try being different.
Then maybe try giving her another chance, if things will still be the same then break up with her immediately for good.
That IS very fair. And yeah, again, I'm not partial to that as I alluded to in my opening post. It's just that I can't promise it. I don't think I should have to anyway, as her feelings aren't my responsibility. Who knows what's in store in a year? We'll see.
It's true. And that's the thing. I'm really in no position to say so. So much has happened, that even if we were to be together in the future, and she's great, I may very well be hung up over the things that troubled me. I don't really know, boss, but it's not something that I opted to let creep into my mind. I've got bigger fish to fry, namely getting my life back in order.
Fire-Fist Ace give me another story of when you two were together
>I've got bigger fish to fry, namely getting my life back in order.
Yeah, focus on that now, then you'll have a clearer mind about this situation and you'll be able to make a decision.
My dog, who was my best friend of all time, died at the age of 15 a few months ago.
My girlfriend was there to support me for most of all this; we cried together and such.
I was scheduled to fly home about a week later to collect my dog's ashes. The night of my flight, she got really mad because I wasn't in the mood to have sex. I explained that I was really not in that mood because I was bereaved about my dog. She wouldn't buy it, because she was a lot more concerned about the fact that I was about to be out of town for a few days, and I didn't want sex. This was a multiple-day argument that carried over into the texts.
Got quite a few more if you want.
Can I be honest?
After years of dating and 10 years marriage, most women are this way. This sounds like two people who are not compatible. But I dare also say it sounds like you are not ready for a committed relationship.
I appreciate your feedback.
I was certainly not aware of the full spectrum of what I was getting into, in that case. My now ex would disagree about that point of compatibility, I'm sure. But as for me not being ready for this type of business, I suppose you're right.
>most women are this way
Well my gf sure as hell isn't, she cares about how I feel just like I care about she feels and if something is wrong we'll sure talk about it civily, all of this clearly wasn't happening in OP's situation.
Please let's not make generalizations, those are never good.
I deeply appreciate your remarks. I praise and congratulate you and your relationship.
A happy story...hmm.
We made a really fun trip to New York City. We never really traveled much into that area, but this was a particularly different day. We had a great breakfast, my treat. Then she surprised me with a lunch spot she'd scoped out for us. Her treat! Then for dinner, we actually settled on a little cafe that served entrees along with their delicious coffees. We came home, tuckered out from the long, fun day, had some terrific sex, and went to sleep together.
This was about one year ago.
She probably just wants to keep you as a backup. Don't give her the satisfaction, if she asks for you back tell her you've moved on. You'll crush her.
And no, usually when we want out of a relationship we never want to see your face again.
It's touch, anon, but women just don't deal well with finality in situations like this. the sad fact is that, while she may believe she truly will love you forever right now, women tend to heal quickly and it's far more likely that she will find someone new to focus her emotions on sooner than you will.
The bottom line is that a man who knows a relationship is doomed should never feel bad about ending it, no matter how much the woman seems to suffer in the moment. Worst case, at least one of you will go on to be happy... best case the both of you (plus at least two more people) will so it's a net gain across the board.
Just be sure you real mean to end it. You may find yourself years down the road wishing you'd stuck with the one woman who you felt truly loved you and if you try going back to her, you'll almost certainly find that it's far too late for second changes.
As a femanon who has clinged to a relationship in a manner such as your ex, I don't think it's a bad thing and you shouldn't feel guilty.
It took me about a year to fully recover from a break up that was similar, but looking back at that ex now, I feel nothing for him. I don't mean that in a mean way, but I got over him and moved on. I did have to tell myself that it was a "pause" for a long while, but I think I needed to do that to move on.
>while she may believe she truly will love you forever right now, women tend to heal quickly and it's far more likely that she will find someone new to focus her emotions on sooner than you will.
Which is why I made this post >>14974671, just wait and see if she still cares.
Well, that's too bad.
I live in New Jersey.
I feel confident in my actions, but you're right. It's as another anon pointed out earlier. Changes are always possible. Perhaps there's someone better out there for me. Perhaps there isn't. Perhaps I'm not meant to be with anybody at all.
Your opinion is of utmost value to me. Thank you femanon. I do understand that you don't have any hard feelings in that sense; I frankly hope a similar reaction for my now ex in due time. I want her to be able to move on gracefully, just as I'm trying to do.
I live in Pennsylvania. I'm always fascinated when I find people living near my state
I didn't read the entire thread so sorry if this has been stated. Relationships aren't about comparing what you do for one another, obviously I'm not saying that you should keep giving and giving but really if you're in a loving relationship you shouldn't be constantly weighing the things you do for her against the things she does for you, ALL relationships will feel one sided if you do that. You need to do things that you want to, if you want to get her flowers for example, do it, but don't be upset that she doesn't get you something back. The same can be said for anything, I'm not just talking gifts or whatever here. You do things because you want to, not because you HAVE to. You're problem was that she wasn't what you wanted and you were probably making sacrifices and doing things for her that you really didn't want to. Thats not healthy, and you really shouldn't expect anyone to treat you a specific way just because you treat them a specific way. I think you made the right choice overall but you can't go into your next relationship with the mindset that things need to be reciprocated. Sure both parties may need to make sacrifices some times but you decide yours and your partner decides theirs. As for your OP I don't think you should feel bad because she will get over it and you handled the situation nicely. Whether she thinks of this as a "pause" is not your concern. You haven't acted like an asshole so really that is all you can do.
Hmm. I see why you ended it in this way. But to say that there is no wat that she'd change except temporarily is just harsh. You never truly know. She shouldn't have been so difficult, but maybe that was a problem within herself and not you. If you do still love her, don't crush Her. Be open-minded to her goals for change.
>I dont believe you.
>So there isnt a time when you had a thought that you ended up not telling anybody?
Of course there wasn't, but it depends on the thought, if it's something minor like some stupid image I saw on 4chan then obviously I keep it to myself.
Im not talking about the minors one.
But I'm saying, you really havent had a single major-ish thought that youve kept to yourself in the past, whatever amount of years youve been dating? Or possibly even just living?
Well I just cant imagine telling my SO ALL the shit that happens to thats majorish. Like my professor was a dick the other day and I didnt mention it, even if it did ruin my vibe for the day. I dont know, telling my SO everytime a mjaor-ish thing happens would be exhausting. I just imagine we would just be complaining about everything everyday if we did that. But we live together, and you guys might be that limbo between honeymoon and serious commitment.
Jesus, how do you literally just tell her everything(you know what i mean)
I've been with mine about 8 year also. I cant just fathom mentioning everythiing. I didnt know he got a promotion for about 4 months once. I realized our account had more money and I made a joke "you start selling your body?" and turns out he got a promotion.
Look, fem here. You sound relieved but the fact of the matter is, you do love her. Consider that her actions were from bad experiences she had in the past. Maybe not? Who knows. Consider that, as you described in the breakup, she does love you. And you love her! Again, as you've said. So don't do anything too irrational. If you love her, why would you want to hurt her? Take the time to live the single life, then see about giving her that chance. If you regret it, at least you tried, right?
Well to be honest that doesn't sound very good, is there at least enough communication between you too? Because it seems kinda weird hiding something like a promotion to your partner.
But maybe it's also different cultures, English isn't my first language.
she will likely move on, shes just doing this to make it easier for herself. You come back to her 3/4 years down the line, its her who gets to have the last word. Thats all it is
>Look, fem here. You sound relieved but the fact of the matter is, you do love her. Consider that her actions were from bad experiences she had in the past. Maybe not? Who knows. Consider that, as you described in the breakup, she does love you. And you love her! Again, as you've said. So don't do anything too irrational. If you love her, why would you want to hurt her? Take the time to live the single life, then see about giving her that chance. If you regret it, at least you tried, right?
Im mexican america, hes white american.
We talk in terms of bills and such, and if he's having problems and needs venting and "professing love" too each other once in a while, but when told me he got a promotion I made him koolaid and said "cheers"
Look. You said it yourself. You love her. You don't know for sure if she'll change, but, hey, say she doesn't. Drop her and go on. Seriously. You already scared the shit out of her; don't abandon reason. With a big thing like this, all you'll have is regret if you don't find out. Also, don't write her a letter. That's dumb. See her in person. But again, don't abandon all hope. You dated her. Surely you must think she's a nice person.
Hmm I'm still not understanding the extent. Ok. Woman here. Maybe the OP could've sat down the gf and explained a compromise as it happened? It's just not clear what he did to express it.
Also, my story here. I would pick and pick fights with my boyfriend. I mean, I did not know when to let things go. The thing I had to learn is that you need to learn when to drop things, otherwise things that escalate would never have beginned with. With this breakup, surely she's realizing this? Unless you didn't explicitly state those reasons for breaking up. Long story short: my bf and I broke up. He missed me and I fixed my tendencies and I'm a better person for it. If the love is there, why not try? There is nothing wrong with a try. Then again, I am just a female here, though that is the advice you asked for.
Regarding the picture... why does this feel like the truth? When my ex and I broke up, she wanted to get back together during the first few months. I was happy as ever, but after 6 months, I felt depressed without her. I've met a bunch of chicks, but they're not comparable to her. It has been over a year now and I still wish her and I were back together.
Look dude. She wasn't cheating on you or spitting in your face, was she? I think you're being a pussy...er no offense. You should be able to handle some spats, and YEAH, tell her she's being unreasonable. If you say she never compromised, this could be worked on. You broke up, yet love her. So cmon. Dont be silly and dont regret.
OP have you considered that you slipped a little by always compromising? It shouldn't have started that way period. It's not your fault, really, but I think this is way less than necessary to break up for? maybe?
Unless you were like, today i am compromising for you, and such and such, and repeatedly saying that..it seems that maybe both parties werent aware. Also as a girl, id be worried if she didnt pick fights. weird as it sounds.