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How will the major corporations and businesses of the world fail, /x/? Post your ideas, theories, predictions etc. here.
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>>19524429
McDonald’s (Family Quick Food Restaurants)
Initially the seepingly slow deaths were thought to be anomalies, unsure responses to burger eating. However the twelve million dead-deads that followed forced the closure of all North American McDonald’s. And while the cause eventually was found to be a small metal fryer part contaminated by a previously unknown and exponentially lethal grease virus , the weight of public fear and lawsuits ended the burger maker.
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>>19524434
Coca Cola (Carbon Dated Drink Bottler)
The secret recipe, the unique combination of flavorings and acids earning the cola maker billions times thousands, was suddenly and without a clear explanation unable to be tasted by humans. A brownish and bubbly blandness. Some fringe medical researchers linked the change to sun flare driven radiation, or a mutating response to polar bear xmas ads. CocaCola attempted reformulation, but eventually sold its assets to a rust removal company.
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>>19524437
The four of the five children of a wrongly fired CNN journalist vowed revenge against the news media giant. Their mother, after uncovering subliminal advertainments embedded in news reports, was labeled a rabble rousing loafer and dismissed with prejudice. Over a decade the children gained positions in various CNN departments and proceeded to destroy the company from the inside. Altered stories and fake leaks corroded CNN’s already small viewership.
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>>19524442
As sarcastic bite sized commentary replaced credible news reporting, Fark.com grew into a vast multi-level conglomerate worth trillions. The Fark brand was used for everything from city governments to huge sections of the ocean and a long sequence of the human genome. Eventually Fark used all its assets to fund the creation of a Martian colony. But the limited number of Mars jokes and to a lesser extent skin dissolving Martian Microbes ended Fark.com.
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>>19524444
BoingBoing (a bouncy ball makes)
With newly installed steam generated intellect chips, billowing vapor with each cleverness, the public’s demand for continual updates increased exponentially. And while the BB writers were able to keep up by bionically typing non-stop, arthritis, RSI and madness meant new writers had to be cloned monthly. After a year of clones of clones of clones of clones, the genetic degradation meant all posts devolved to the letter q followed by pictures of cool Lego reproductions.
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>>19524449
Time Magazine (hour of the year)
When the idea of time was outlawed in the 2021 No Time for Time Act and replaced by a system of edible yellow dots, power pellets and easily navigated mazes, the magazine’s identity was declared illeagal. Numerous name and format changes, including a brief experiment with textual dentistry failed to resolve the fact that Time Magazine is basically a glossy clock with grammar school words, and pictures of famous people pointing.
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>>19524456
Google (moogle the toogle foogle)
A Google employee, during their Work On Your Own Project day and while drinking a energy boosting meat smoothie and playing Ping-Pong with a three armed robot dog, developed an entirely new category of software. The code set, labeled The Originality Finder redirected search results to only the most original or creative ideas. Disappointingly the AI listed only one site, the homepage of Geraldine Argyle Gilmore and her Quilting inspired recipes for bombs.
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>>19524462
TechCrunch (with nuts and berries)
In an attempt to be the first site to cover any new gadget or technology development, TechCrunch secretly initiated the Mighty Mouse program. The TC editors, being self described superfans of the strong flying animated rodent, chemical, mechanically and spiritually modified mice to act as clandestine observational agents. And for many years their small spies recorded everything throughout the Silicon Valley. But the mice, bored of clean rooms and offices, soon haunted only restaurants, and they were sold to the Health Department.
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>>19524468
Canada (northland south of the Arctic)
Canada does not become the 51st state after an economic Civil War. Nor does it freeze over in some cloudy post-nuclear war winter. And the citizens do not all die when hockey and beer and doughnuts are outlawed in the 2023 Treaty of Common Sense. Instead, Canadians just become very bored with their national identity. And with trillions of resource extraction dollars and the world’s only super-giant soldier-bots, Canada changes its name to a sarcastic binary sequence.
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>>19524474
Mashable (and some Rotisserie Chicken)
As with the end of paper, so too came the end of screen. Mashable, with their plethora of intelligent and sexually attractive editors, attempted to predict publishing’s future. They decided to use an experimental method of synaptic response and retention spread through audible descriptors via biological energy exchange. Agents of this new method became known as ‘bards’ and could operate sans electricity via ‘seating venues’ generating ‘spoken stories’.
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>>19524478
ReadWriteWeb (space for what code)
When the US Department of Education, unraveling under the crushing power of fancy push-button calculators, deemed Arithmetic unnecessary, they replaced math with internet in the oft used school trio. The owners of RWW, whose popularity hinged on being outsider hip, were burdened by an after school specialesque URL They ultimately redirected RWW to a site called OverhearingCyborgHobos, but retained only a fraction of previous users.
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>>19524482
Facebook (built to meet ladies)
I could make up a story here about code failure or how eventually all users become friends with all other users. Or I could explain how Mark Zuckerberg installed a doomsday clock deleting all accounts on Dec 21, 2012. But really, honestly, what is the point? We all know some new site will rise through the web detritus and temporarily manipulate our attention. Layoffs will follow and Mark Z. will live a lonely life on an island held aloft by dirigibles and cotton candy.
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>>19524486
Sony (oh the boombox)
In late 2015 Sony created the ALLMAN, a portable gaming/audio/networking/culinary/medical/communication/erotic/protection/entertainment/climate controlling/gypsy repelling/radiation reducing/transportation device. Unfortunately the battery for the handheld lasted twelve seconds and was the size of a three-story house. Twelve were made before the company failed, although the owners of those lived twelve thousand gloriously happy years.
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>>19524492
American Airlines (metal tubes through the air)
Climatologist used more accurate atmospheric terminology, but the press simply called it Super Heavy Air. Decades of airplane pollution released into the stratosphere formed a dense layer of heavier than air…air. Airplanes rising past this layer could never land, and sky cities were built from interconnected fuselages. The sky dwellers farmed Monarch butterflies, trading with the Earth bound through pneumatic tubes and blocking the sun during tariff disputes.
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>>19524498
WalMart (scares/loves the crap out)
During a warless and famineless decade, governments used their militaryless budget surpluses for advances in education and fitness. And with a physically fit and intellectually stimulated population, customer numbers at Walmarts plummeted. People’s desire for bulk-rate snack food cakes and discount air fresheners was in direct proportion to their intellectual ability. The company attempted to start armed conflicts with neighboring farmer’s markets and libraries, but their mobility scooters were just too slow for battle.
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>>19524502
IKEA (the modular mess)
In an attempt to regain market share versus manufacturers of furniture designed to last more than two years, IKEA introduced the concept of Houseumglobin. Their idea was for consumers to assemble their own veneer covered, cheap screw fitted houses inside giant IKEA warehouses and then work off the debt as sales staff. Initially the response amongst the vaguely trendy was hopeful. However, the lack of working toilets and originality meant widespread Crapagogen.
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>>19524507
LA times (nine equals smog)
With Colorado finally exclaiming ‘screw you em effng coasters’ to the west and diverting the Colorado river to the drug lords of Mexico, the population of Los Angeles dropped to between 178 and 194 residents. The LA times survived for a few years as a home printed newsletter dropped off at Flo’s Diner and Service Station, reporting on an aging Kobe Bryant’s efforts to install a new net on the rim above the garage.
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>>19524520
France (between Germany and Spain)
Due to a fault in the design of its nuclear reactors in combination with the French custom of long meandering vacations, France was stricken with multiple melt-downs. Leaders only recognized the problem after the death of thousands of Cheesey Baguette Trees. To contain the radiation, the EU formalized their abandonment of France and installed a monstrously large and yet tastefully tailored dome over the country.
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>>19524523
Massive Dynamic (where I want to work)
Most of the strange inventions and ideas put forth by the television writers of Fringe were scientifically and technically impossible. However, quite by accident, they created a dimensional portal that actually worked. This device, use only once, succeeded in transporting the fictional mega-corporation Massive Dynamic into our world. Initially they were very successful, at least from a media perspective, and eventually transformed into a theme park for Fringe fans.
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>>19524537
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>>19524541
HBO (rulers of greyskull)
With critical and commercial acclaim, the HBO creators felt invincible. The programming they produced became ever more adventurous and cerebral, including shows like ‘The Last Day of Pigs’, ‘Finger Cams’, ‘Martin’s Afterlife Specials’ , ‘Poetry as Poetry is Poetry’. The creation of such revolutionary and highly intellectual programs unfortunately coincided with the explosion of ‘reactionary reality’ where shows like ‘last terrorist standing’, ‘the daily fear’ and ‘the church of profits’.
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Joystiq (happy place for hands)
Being a major voice in the Indie Gaming community Joystiq continually strived to find news ways of reaching and interacting with their gamer readers. And when readership waned, the staff created the world’s first in-game magazine, with live updates in the form of new weapons, characters and settings for a variety of gaming platforms. And as other magazines followed, the digital battles between content characters pushed games journalism to broken sprites and code bombs.
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>>19524474
Kek
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Daily Kos (strange attractors and spinning)
Election and government reforms meant all decisions, every choice made by a public employee, be decided by citizen’s instant daily voting. For example, before a city gardener could plant a tree, or a teacher could change a test question residents would have five minutes to vote. And influential sites like the Daily Kos were replaced by large marketing firms who hired thousands to write hundreds of daily one 144 character pitches, the twitterification of politics ruled.
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gigaom
When the alien overlords finally revealed themselves over the farmlands of Kansas, they asked to speak to the editors. Gigaom, it turns out, is the alien word to ‘all powerful deity’, and the aliens monitored the site for many years to learn about humanity. Therefore, when these otherworldly beings spoke, they used ‘start-up’, ‘gadget’, ‘data’ and ‘apps’ to describe the various ways they would control, farm and then cook our used up corpses.
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Apple
Bill Gates, minutes before death, activated the iDoom device. Using his extreme fortune, Gates built a machine tuned into the unique combination of design, ease of use and wankerism that all Apple products possessed. When started, everything created by Macintosh, ceased to work. Sure, the quality of band flyers, artsy student movies dramatically declined, and millions were forced to learn a slightly different OS. But time saved from not standing in lines or fondly gazing at the pretty clean lines meant happiness increased by fourteen percent.
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New York Times (canyons of glass and pipes)
The language wars of 2022 greatly restricted overly used and clichéd words with meanings long lost. Consequently concepts such as ‘new media’, the ‘happy face’, casual responses such as ‘I’m fine’ or ‘hello’, cooking show hosts calling food ‘beautiful’ or places such as New York or New South Wales were forced to rename. And without the hopeful ‘new’ fronting their content, the NYT continued their readership slide, until partnering with KFC to print news on chicken skin.
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The Consumerist (everything is on sale sir)
When whistle-blowing and consumer activism became a professional sport, complete with leagues and virtual arenas, the Consumerist website was a dominant team winning multiple international championships. However, a concerningly high percentage of retired players displayed odd anti-social behavior, causing disturbances and eye bleeding. The sport was ultimately banned by the Denny’s sponsored Health Department on the grounds of rampant synaptic damage in players.
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Dominos Pizza (toppings for fear of empty)
To be competitive in the Pizza industry, companies continually introduce new products. Most are vague deviations like Super Cheese or Boomerang Crusts. Dominos attempted to capitalize on growing environmental concerns and our love of pets by introducing the Pizza Dawg. The hybrid creature had cheese for hair, pooped various meats and bled a special sauce. The oven stomach’s tendency to explode meant the PD was only used in wartime situations.
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Taco Bell (guilty drive through tinnitus)
It started with college student Tina Dean Gringerson proclaiming at 2:35 a.m. after a long drinking session, that she was bored with Taco Bell and would rather spend a few dollars more for proper food. This shocking revelation spread through university campuses and the ‘proper drunken food’ movement became a meme complete with pictures of bloated kittens and phrases like ‘no crunch in this lunch’ or ‘salad diving’.
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Wired (an airport deviation from rush)
A domestic terrorist organization calling themselves ‘the literalists’ targeted the magazine for not adhering to its namesake. Neither the print version or those run from WIFI networks could accurately be labeled ‘wired’. Therefore the literalists demanded the magazine add a power source or USB cord or the organization would attack them with word eating microbes/code-bots. The addition of automatic page turners or joysticks, while fun, were just too clumsy.
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Playboy (phrase becomes lifestyle cliché)
Two cultural changes led to the quick demise of the longstanding ‘mens’ brand. First, was the relaxation of nudity laws for popular media and public exposure. Indeed, ‘being neckad’ became commonplace, requiring some restaurants to install plastic seat covers or towel off zones. Secondly, with obesity the norm, ‘being a lumpy chub’ was sexy, and ‘phat flaps’ were a popular fitness goal. Ultimately the brand sold to a manufacturer of toy robot rabbits.
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Mercedes Benz (all have wheels and windows)
As the economy continued to decline between 2011 and 2020, the backlash against the rich increased to violent levels. Luxury items, fancy neighborhoods and highfalutin cars were commonly destroyed. To address the concerns of wealthy buyers, companies like Mercedes Benz disguised their products with distressed shells, cracked glass, rust and predirted paint. The symbols of success were then lost, so the rich opted for tanks and traveling militia as their new luxury.
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White House (head of the larger complex)
The Hadron Super Collider’s most awe inducing and yet tragic discovery was the weightless particle. Only a small amount of the substance was needed to lift many tons, and the industrial uses seemed limitless. However, because of stability and ratio problems, most industries were too skittish for early adoption. To elevate fears, the US President planned a demonstration on the White House lawn. Him and his staff were killed when the wrong ratio sent half the building into space.
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Youtube (all of your faces are faces)
Changing a few words in the law governing Copyright wasn’t initially a concern. Although with lawyers desperate for clients, those words were the basis for an extreme interpretation of copyright laws. The use of any product, including wall paint, clothing, the light from bulbs had to be paid for. Online video makers were the first to be sued, and millions were removed, with the remaining videos being of wildlife or naked people in parks.
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Wikipedia (collective arch and arc)
It was known as the ‘Long Entry’. An Icelandic philosophy graduate student broadly adopted dissertation proposed reality, everything comprising the known universe, is one interconnected entity. The result of this was the Wikipedia entry for ‘reality’ ever expanding, with constant updates from everyone about everything. The page became so massive that nearly all server resources and volunteer editor’s time was spent on its maintenance.
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Amazon (long river of shops and sharks)
Deer populations expand, their humping hooves forever breeding when food is plentiful. And then the deer, once the food is depleted or the weather gawds hide rains, will starve together, population death. Amazon doesn’t have antlers (although they sell them), nor does it run from hunters or headlights. It does, however, eat and eat and eat, gorging itself on CC transactions and storefront fees. And my guess, the giant will crash one day soon, ex-employees scavenging for food in the dumpsters of (insert company name).
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exxonmobil (capitals are too good for oil)
Their return to earth lasted only a week. And during the brief hello, punctuated by a spaceship built for giants, they made a trade. All pollution, radioactive waste, poisoned creeks, deforested jungle, all fixed as trade for respecting their dead ancestors. The visitors from another planet were decedents of dinosaurs. And when they discovered we burned oil, the organic remains of their earthly origins, they were sad and chose convincing over eating us.
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Walt Disney (grandfather has his autograph)
Hidden in the secret passages beneath Disneyland is a population of creatures bred to keep the park clean and operating. They live off corndogs, rats and salad bar remnants. They were created so long ago the current Disney executives don’t know they exist, assuming Disneyland visitors are just a tidy lot. When corndogs are removed from the menus, the subterranean creatures surface, confusing children’s arms for the tasty friend treats.
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Adobe (lovely and terrible current tool)
Concerns over the net.art and digital poetry of Jason Nelson from numerous mental health, religious, literary and quality control groups led to attempts to ban his work. Being unsuccessful, these groups them targeted his current creative tool of choice the Adobe Creative Suite. And in conjunction with Apple, these groups effectively limited the software’s use to lame restaurant or nightclub sites. Though Jason just used html5 and processing to create his weirdness.
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stumbleupon
As StumbleUpon’s power grew beyond its initial mission of sharing briefly curious net artifacts, a secret society grew from its community. These Uponers succeeded in placing virtual congressmen in all major districts, infiltrating the boards of major companies and controlled the sugar and pharmaceutical industries. A Freemason revival combined with their control of the citrus industry resulted in all Uponers being decimated by scurvy.
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Gawker
Powerful personal true 3-D projectors loaded with interactive content software offered the public total control over creating their own entertainment content. Celebrities were replaced by code and public figures communicated via ever changing avatars. And mega sites like Gawker, once dominating celebrity gossip, were broken into thousands of mini-sites covering small group dynamics and spreading rumors based on advertising algorithms and gossipbots.
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Gothamist
New construction techniques combined with population pressures meant NYC had to grow upwards. All buildings were hundreds of stories high, Atmosphere generators, bridges, suspension parks and interconnected roads and walkways were constructed every fifty floors to address transportation concerns. Gothamist, once the purveyor of NYC culture changed their format to portals covering ranges of floor numbers, 150-175 for the hip ‘between levels’.
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NPR
Having survived defunding, the 2016 radio wave health scare and rise and fall of the Radio Alliance of Texmerica States, NPR appeared to be immune from failure. Indeed, after many centuries, the broadcaster grew from NPR to WorldPR, MarsPR and then GalaxyPR. However the greedy taste makers with their hypnotizingly quirky voices stretched too far with DimensionalPR. Their first multi-dimension broadcast awakened the mighty Xenu from his camping trip.
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Neil Gaiman
At 104 years, writer Neil Gaiman volunteered for an experimental gene therapy extending telomere lengths, reversing bodily damage. All other participants died horrifically from exploding organs. Neil, however, due to his years of imaginative wanderings and mythical play, reverted to a teenager. With this rebirth, he choose a new career of ‘life coach for lunar particle physicists’ . Sadly he was killed in a moonquake while conducting a seminar on low gravity’s charms.
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bank of America
Most assumed the giant bank would fail after their ninth bailout, streams of class action lawsuits and generally making money from money by moving money. Somehow the bank continued to grow, mocking all morality and logic and economic/monetary sense. What finally destroyed the company was the off food. For the yearly NYE party, the BOA ordered special salmon cakes for each branch, but shipping troubles meant botulism killed half the work force.
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4-tran
They were called the ‘4-Tran Wars’. With all infrastructure, from water supply to virtual doctors and auto-drive cars, controlled through the internet, 4-Tran enthusiasts attempted to reshape the world through attacks and the (re)coding. All primary systems were rewritten to make the world a safer, more equitable and far more fun place. Once they successfully reshaped their utopia, the anonymous 4-Tranners went back to slamming celebrities and creating memes.
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