After years to trying to find the right words I think what really

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After years to trying to find the right words I think what really happened with me is that I entered a borgesian cosmic halls of records- the library of babel and in the infinite complex I found a room where few had gone before.
There I read the horrors and it turned everything inside out. There is a price to be paid or reading this stuff and I am paying them.
I have never posted on /x/ before I haven't posted on 4chan for years but somehow I just know that this thread needs to be made, here when I was a child, I rejected god and metaphysical I told my mother that she was blind and couldn't see the world through logic and science. She warned me of my arrogance and told me that I would see. And it did come around and bite me in the ass.
I understand the function of esoterica, I understand the function of things above and below there are a hundred tangled threads in my head that criss-cross, politics, cybernetics, history, horror, esoterics I am horrified by the current discourse, the stuff on TV - late night talk shows, journalists, writers, experts, specialists and climbers. Some of them see nothing, others even more sinister, they know what theyr'e doing.
There isn't a person in a hundred miles either direction to talk any of this stuff with.
Why do I know what I know ? I'm just a mediocre no one. This knowledge serves me no function. No one that I know knows what I know.
I'm looking for any sort of direction