Hello /x/ It's my first time here, and I'd like to

>>18613980
You dont have the vocabulary, but maybe you could try? Do you remember anything from your trip at all?

>>18613980
Where does the newborn go from here?

It felt like I'd typed more than that. My short term memory has clearly taken a hit too.

I've gained a new-found fascination with the human-psyche. Specifically my own. I spend all my free time reading up on everything I can to how people's brains work. Recently, despite never really being a believer of mental illness. I've found a lot of my symptoms since the accident fall in line with ADHD (Innatentive type), Autism, Sociopathy and Schizofrenia. The symptoms are pick-and-mix between the lot. But the information I am studying is resonating with me more than anything I've ever experienced.
I am not saying I have these disorders, I am simply trying to explain the complexity of what now goes on in my head on a daily basis.

>>18614012
Youll be fine anon. Insanity is just in sane ity. Proof of intelligence to be considered mentally ill in this shitshow.

Worldstage crumbling.

>>18613980
How can you fuck up tripping that hard? I find it hard to believe it was the truffles and you're not just a clumsy oaf.

>>18614012
Try communicating with the voices

>>18613987
I'll have a go, but every time I have tried to write it down, I have gotten lost in my own thoughts and my writing becomes jumbled rambling. I read it back to myself and feel like I've gone mad.

The last thing I remember was walking to the bathroom to fill a bottle with some water to drink. (Here goes...) I remember stopping, just before I put the bottle to the tap... And watching. Just watching the water run. I felt a fog envelope me. It was thick, black and completely impenetrable. I lost my sight and that is my last real world memory.

The fog felt like I was being embraced. Not grabbed in any aggressive way, it was slow, gentle, calming... Even loving? I'd say I felt like an infant being embraced by the happiest mother on earth. I'm guessing when this "fog" fully took over me was when I lost consciousness...

>cont

>>18614053
For a while, nothing seemed to be happening. I was just floating. Everything besides myself was none-existent. It's hard to describe, but I felt like I was the only thing in existence. I had no worries, fears, bad memories or any negative emotions whatsoever. I felt completely at peace.

All that was cut short when I felt another type of embrace. A complete polar opposite to the one I felt before. My insides, bones, brain and skin all where latched onto by many hands made of every negative experience I've ever had, but ramped up to 11.
I felt like I was being ripped in half. I remember the pain vividly. I've had some nasty injuries in the past but this was in a world of its own.

Despite this new set of hands. I was still held onto by the original...

>cont

>>18614076
This is where I struggle to explain myself.

I was pulled backwards, very hard and very fast. The sensation I guess would be similar to when you bounce back up after a bungee jump.
Although, I had a million walls of glass to get through. Each one splintering into many razor sharp shards as I passed through. The pain only increased from that point on, every wall I was pulled through cut me into a million pieces, but I was still whole after each one. I could feel the resistance of each of these walls of glass before I passed through them, if anything, they seemed to get thicker and sharper as I went through them...

>cont

Floating in a peaceful sea.

Rescubed by a sinking ship.

>>18614105
A common saying goes "when you die, your life flashes before your eyes."

That is the best way I can describe what these walls of glass where. Even though I was being pulled backwards through them at a million miles a second. Each piece of glass was an individual memory, all of which I had to watch and relive exactly as they happened once before.

Time didn't seem to work like it does in the real world. I went through my whole life in an instant, although at the same time I felt like I was enduring the torture for an eon.

It stopped suddenly. And I was back to the initial floating darkness. Although this time. I felt nothing.
I woke up in hospital shortly after.

>>18614139
Have you ever thought that maybe you feel "nothing" because you are severely traumatized? It is like PTSD x 100000000000000

>>18614148
traumatized by what?

>>18614167
Your experience maybe? Sounds like you went through something awful in your own mind. Traumatising

>>18614178
This. We can traumatize ourselves. People do this in a small way by beating themselves up every day in their own head, but it can also occur as bouts of paranoia and other sorts of extreme mental happenings. What happened to you is traumatic. Life is traumatic enough as it is, but to relive it while in severe pain? Trauma.

>>18613980
What bitter truth are you talking about exactly?

>>18614148
>>18614167

There is a lot more backstory to this than I could ever hope to post in one go. But it might help clear a few things up.

My life at the time was hell. The main precursor being that my fiance (not the girl who found me) up and left me without word or reason a year prior. I was sure we were going to spend the rest of our lives together, and had my entire life's plans and goals set to make a perfect life for us. I had a well paying job that I loved, I was also studying towards a PhD in my field to further my career. I was nearly finished buying (mortgage) my first house for us both which I was going to surprise her with and many other wonderful things. 3 days after she accepted my proposal, I came back from my job to find not a single trace of her. I only found out a few months after from a friend that she had moved many hundred of miles away back to her hometown and started a new life. I haven't spoken to her since that day.

It ruined my life. And I lost everything. I spent the next half a year researching ways to forget. And this is where I ended up.

Anon, psychoactive drugs can have a permanent effect. Your mental health has been altered from having a traumatizing trip, and chances are you'll be different forever. That isn't to say you can't improve and manage your issues, though. Talk to a doctor and/or therapist.

>>18614217
Are you looking for solutions to your vacant emotions or something else?

>>18614217
How did you break up with your fiance a year prior to the trip you had when you had been with your gf for 3 years when you broke up with her? Seeing that the trip was a year ago. We're you cheating on both of them? Because if not then your timeline doesn't make sense.

Unless thats some real weak ass truffles I call bullshit. 30g is way beyond the point where you would just puke all over and probably have permament damage.

If you really did this then I feel sorry for you, I experienced ego death on 4g shrooms so you really don't need to fuck yourself up that hard to reach it.

>>18614245
What's ego death like senpai?

>>18613980
Well what were you expecting you ate over an ounce of mushrooms. I once ate 3.5g that i had activated in lemon juice and it shattered my reality. By that I mean I puked my guts out when I saw a heavenly form after closing my eyes.
Congratulations you melded with the soul force something our low IQ human brains can barely perceive in this 3rd dimension. This is why you've been effectively lobotomized. Remember what emotion felt like. That is the way to go back.

>>18614234
I don't know what I'm looking for. I have no direction in any aspect of my life. At the minute, I've been blessed with the opportunity to recover from 3 months of homelessness. I'm currently living out of my friends van and my duffle bag, and have a part time job in warehousing, cash in hand, until I have enough for a deposit on a flat. I'm working on rebuilding my life, but I feel extremely unstable and the contrast between my previous and current self is proving hard to deal with. I have recurrent thoughts of ending my life every day, but I know I'm strong enough to avoid acting on it. I've not gone through all this for nothing.

>>18614251
not senpai but i doubt you can explain it. beholding the infinite is something you have to experience.

OP I understand, to an extent, after having a panic attack that caused me to be hospitalized on about 8g of mushrooms. My life has been different.

All I can do now is focus on exercise, eating healthily, doing things I enjoy.

I feel like I saw through to the other side and like I wasn't strong enough to weather it.

I don't know what to say OP and I don't know if anything helps this cloudy numbness...be around people, have a lot of sex, try to live your life and distract yourself from that feeling.

Maybe this doesn't help

There's a feeling of alone-ness that I haven't been able to overcome since I had the attack and I think it's some form of PTSD but I also have symptoms of schizo, psychosis, etc. There's something wrong but I'm not sure there's enough people who are in this spot that anyone knows what's really going on.

Resolve things with that bitch that left you, it will help to heal you. Or come to terms with it on your own way.

>>18614252

I'd like to add to this guy's post too. What's important is to meditate on what feelings are like..

Would Ayahuasca make me feel as shitty as I'm guessing mushrooms made you all feel?

>>18614245
I worked in a lab. I did enough research on the drug and have enough knowledge in my field to work around the nausea. Let's leave it at that.

>>18614242
My bad. It's late and I'm tired. Let me clear the timeline up.

2014 1/2: fiance disappeared
2014 2/2: discovered psilocyibin and researched it to death
2015 1/2: life fully destroyed
2015 1/2: met new girl
2016 1/2: prepared and took psilocybin
2016 2/2 - now.

Sorry if my dates/times were off. I have trouble remembering it all in order.

>>18614284

Right so artificially oppressing your nausea was not a good idea

>>18613980
>tripfag
>stereotypical ME ME ME! thread
into the trash it goes

>>18614284
>2016 2/2 - now.

ummm it's 2017 buddy...

>>18614251
>>>18614245
>What's ego death like senpai?

Take this arbitrary model of consciousness to help me explain.
We experience reality through several lenses, it goes something like this: objective reality > sense input > emotional (ego) input > you're reality
And ego death takes away the emotional input part, so, basically your views and standpoint on topics, likes and dislikes, and things of that nature
So, for example, say someone's a big racist
>before ego death
"I see a black person and I hate him"
>After ego death
"I see a black person"

>>18613980
Did you hit the front of your head?

>>18614245
This.
I also took between 4-5 grams of good mushrooms with a few friends my first time, I say between 4-5 because at the time my scale was broken and didn't realize it was until after we tripped. Buddys gf had a bad trip, still haunts her, that was 6 years ago. From everything I've heard, bad trips from mushrooms are the worst kind. But also from what I've heard, the best, most euphoric and visual trips are from mushrooms. I was detached from my body at one point, definitely not anything to just casually do one day if you're unprepared. Ive taken mushrooms 4 times, each time making a tea and then eating them after drinking it. Each time was the most amazing experience of my life.

>30g of mushrooms called Atlantis
>30g of mushrooms
>30g

youre fuckin nuts man. unless they were fresh in which case its equal to 3g dried, and if so you really suck at tripping.

>bad set
>bad setting
>terrible time in your life
additionally, it almost sounds like you had your ego death... then got ripped back away from it. like, you didn't get through it and wake up after feeling like you died right? more like thrust in reverse so ever since then you've been almost like a reanimated zombie in limbo.

>>18613980
Shouldn't have taken THIRTY GRAMS you stupid fuck

>>18613980
it's actually a psychological condition...like a medical condition that's responsible for it. It's rare but happens on occasions from brain injury. People stop being able to associate emotions with people they knew intimately, and come to look upon them as strangers or imposters.

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>>18614284
stop focusing on "muh feels" and seek enlightnment wisdom etc, travel to Nepal or somewhere else round the Himalayas talk to some monks, discover new teachings etc. Then to south america with the ayahuasca tribes. If you are still here might as well take advantage of it. Save for like two years and read books in the mean time.

If your mentality is "theres nothing that interests me anymore" then yeah you arent very bright and might as well just dwell on how "muh problems are special"

Grow from this experience.

Maybe seratonin withdrawal symptom. As in, you used up all of the feel good chemicals that your brain normally produces thanks to the intense shroom trip.

Nothing as severe as your case, op, but I went thru some weird mental phases when I stopped drinking a handle of vodka a day. I was very sure I wanted to off myself not out of pain, but desperation of how numb life became. I couldn't even cry or feel sad. I think my nerves got fried good as well, as I could pierce my scalp with a needle and feel not more than a small pinch. Took me close to a year to start feeling small changes in mood, and even after I still feel I'm not normal, but I'm managing.

Best wishes, man. Do some exercise, eat well, get a therapist, those things helped me quite a bit.

>>18613980
You now have both an ethereal body and a physical plus the other subtle bodies, read up on some fringe shit. Welcome to godhood young one, glad you got through transit safely.
Love, Hades.

>>18613980
Give me your nickname OP, I will keep you safe.
Love, bastet. As in the Egyptian cat God, yes. Try visualising the ankh, that's our legacy, that's your ticket to paradise. See you on the other side, brother.

>>18614053
Oh I see you met my bigger brother Osiris, he can be a little dark at times, excuse him :)

>>18614424
Stfu nigger kike gtfo

>>18616209
Oh this was from me, not Anubis.

>>18613980
That is an ounce of mushrooms (seriously, name a drug that you take an ounce of in one sitting). 1/8 of that is considered heavy shit. I think if anyone took 30g of mushrooms they'd have a similarly negative experience. I can tell this bothers you a lot and that it was a really traumatizing experience, and for that I'm sorry. I've personally had many wonderful experiences with mushrooms. You have to respect them (not that I'm blaming you, some people just don't think things through occasionally, we all make mistakes).

You'll probably feel more 'clear' as you get some distance from the experience. Such a thing is way too intense for the human psyche to cope with and you are no doubt still 'rattled' u feel me. The brain is just not meant to be drowned in mind-altering chemicals like that.

Extremely Negative Experiences are exactly like that, only they take a lot more work to forget than physical pain, because they are in your mind rather than your body, so you can -always- focus on them and pick at them like a bullet wound that you are twirling your finger around in. The pain certainly doesn't subside as quickly (and it doesn't go away forever - I definitely have things like that, nowhere near as intense as your experience but I think we all have things we'd rather forget, that have changed us), but it does go away in some fashion, eventually, if you stop 'picking' at it. It's probably shocking that your mind could turn on you in such an intense way, that's what psychotic breaks do to a person. It's why most people who aren't intensely mentally ill to begin with are haunted by experiences like that, and why people who are can't "function" as well as you or I.

I'd avoid drugs and negative thinking and maybe see a therapist until you feel ready to move on, and you will, I promise you that.

>>18613980
I know I'm being super edgy and shit, but you should join a coven, and you'll see. hmu on discord

Just letting everyone know I'm still here, and I really appreciate everything everyone has said so far.

Just to clarify though, these WERE NOT mushrooms, but truffles. A small difference but a difference nonetheless. I found out around 12g of them was enough for an out of body experience for an seasoned tripper. But I went way overboard for a reason, whether it was stupid too or not.

>>18616197
No harm in that. I've been called "Big D" several times in my life, so I'll go with that. Do with it what you will.

>>18616372
So, you're a dragon/serpent.
I would like to converse with you, but it's pretty hard.
I feel like I need to help you, I can answer ANY question you have about all of this, they might be a little 'encoded' though, that's how 'god' works.

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>>18616372
You've found 'the holy grail brother. And there is no going back, we're messiahs.

>>18616372
You took the red pill, there was a choice. You wanted an 'ego death'...
Please join my discord:
https://discord.gg/CsmaT

>>18616386
>>18616454
>>18616480

"Special" ... "energy"

Are you sure you're not just schizophrenic bud

>>18613980
I wish I could understand this.
Why would anyone want to go through ego death?
Why would anyone want to destroy who they are?
I worry it will be similar to what I have... I suffer from clinical depression, my own mental disorder that robs me of even simple happiness at times.
Seek help, try to change while you have the chance, don't completely succumb to that void.

>>18613980

Op, you seem to have derealization, check on it

>>18613980
Extreme Ptsd?

>>18614167
30 grams of mushrooms

>>18616372
Welcome to the life of being schizophrenic, there's only you in this world. Get used to it. Use your WILL for good young one.

>>18616942
Kek i like this. What happens when everyone gets there?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLvohMXgcBo

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If anyone wants to chat more about the subject of psilocybin, I have just downloaded discord and opened a chat. The link is 'aEtgY'.

It's open for 24 hours and I'll be active for most of it. Thanks to everyone so far.

anon if you researched the hell out of the mushroom why did you take 30g? was this a suicide attempt

>>18616694
>Why would anyone want to go through ego death?
>Why would anyone want to destroy who they are?
you don't understand what ego death is. not to mention, you obviously come back
>I worry it will be similar to what I have... I suffer from clinical depression, my own mental disorder that robs me of even simple happiness at times.
Not even close

>>18617370
psilocybin has no reasonable ld50
heroic doses is heroic doses, they won't kill you. same with lsd

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>>18616104
>travel to Nepal or somewhere else round the Himalayas talk to some monks, discover new teachings etc.

that's the most generic hippie shit i've ever heard senpai

>>18614053
Fuuuuck nigga you encountered the Black Fog. It's literally another-universe shit. Make a black fog request thread here and eventually someone smarter than me will find you... if I remember to get back on here tomorrow I'll write a bit more.

It's got to do with an interuniversal and/or interdimensional invasion. Deep shit.

>>18616499
Schizophrenia is just an idea created to sustain perfect conditions to fuck us over and over. Like most things.

Tonal of our time is disfunctional.

>>18616694
I presume that the goal is to start over.
To find out if your emotions and feelings make whole of you.

It's interesting, you lose what you think you were to build something else.
And that is a pernament change, how you built your i from now on depends on you.

Don't miss the feelings of the past. Start a new chapter. You may think you are disfunctional in society but that won't bother you anymore as you move on.
Unless u are still bound down by others expectations. Destroy these expectations, you can make this part funny af.

ITT: OP overdoses on drugs, permanently damaging his brain. /x/tards misuse the term egodeath and tell OP he psychically touched the universal soul force. Nobody learns anything.

>>18614251
Like this guy said >>18614259

But I'll try at least. I think the trick to reaching it is current state of mind, ofc you would need sufficient amount and you could probably brute force it with enough.
For me it was something like erasing the board, I forgot everything I knew about anything, forgot I even was a human or the concept of what a human was. It was like all I was at that moment was a consciousness. I did not have views, opinions, past experiences and the like.

Felt truly changed after that trip, neither positively or negatively, just changed. Took me a whole week to really plant my feet on the earth again. Was one hell of an experience though, feel like it's a must for people into psychedelics.

>>18614251
Imagine realizing that nothing in this world matters, including and especially you. Imagine seeing and understanding that you are nothing, everyone who ever was or will be is nothing. Imagine coming to this epiphany and instead of being ruined and devastated by it, it brings peace and relief and a sense of harmony.

The nothing in me recognizes the nothing in you.

>>18614279
I don't know, but I'm planning on finding out next weekend

>>18614148
I got PTSD from a bad trip, I ate a half ounce of mushrooms at one time and after taht the only emotion I felt was fear for like a year. good luck OP , the only trur God is the God of Abraham, Isac, Jacob. He came down as Jesus Christ and died for our sins. God be with you all.

>>18616694
I find that depressed people are most in need of experiencing ego death.

After such, depression is hardly possible

>>18613980
Going through the exact same thing.
Severely abused as a kid, taught myself to stop feeling everything.
Broke my head open a few years later, fell into a coma, messed me up further, now I still feel nothing.

I'm with a guy for 2 years and I really feel like I'm wasting his time.
But he doesn't accept how I can't feel, he just doesn't understand it at all.
He won't let me break up with him 'cause he thinks I'm being selfish, but I don't know what else to do.
I consider everyone else before me, I feel like my time in this life is already over due, so I'm using my remaining time to assist others and make sure they're all happy.

>>18614053
the fog is probably how you interpreted sleep which happens on high dose shrooms

>>18620594
Might as well stay with him if you're never going to feel anything for anyone ever. It will make him happy.

>>18620345
Went through something very similar. Funny how it all works out. God be with you too.

>>18613980
yeah dude you fried your fuckin brain. you're what people call a "burn out"

am i the only person in here that knows shit bout mushrooms?

first of all - you should eat them right before sleep. talk to it while in dreamstate, thats the only way to speak its language

>>18622398
enlighten us more please

>>18622398
>eating something with the potential to induce vomiting right before falling asleep

nope.>>18622430

>>18622448
>with the potential to induce vomiting
so like everything?