Hello, I'm probably going to come off as edgy, and this

Its nice to hear someone who posts something heartfelt, outside of the typical mindless, rping, tulpa summoning, skinwalker regurgitation that drove this board to cancer.

>>18248203
Go out in the woods more often, take up a craft.

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>>18248203

Try volunteering. It'll give you perspective and a little self-worth. Do that and exercise.

If you quit now, it was all for nothing. Everything anyone ever did for you, everything you've ever done to get this far and all the people who believed in you will have been wasted. Make their sacrifice worth it. God speed anon, if you can, try and get some help.

>>18248203
>what has enabled you to continue?

fear of death

>>18248203
I always took a step back and realised that it was kind of a waste to end my time here prematurely. Pain is fleeting and there's plenty of happiness to pursue

>>18248203
>considering suicide
>asking memeboard for help
Get some help from a doctor.

well to me the nilhism just folds in on itself in a way

>nothing in life has innate meaning
>meaning itself therefore cannot exist
>except it does
>meaning and purpose exist in the universe, even if only as a concept created by people
>we (human beings) decide what has purpose or meaning and what those are
>start assigning purpose and meaning to everything in life
>get rid of the things that cannot hold any meaning

a lot of people may find this sort of thinking delusional, but its what we do as people. make up reasons why things happen in a universe that otherwise doesnt make sense.

my father died when I was young and in a pretty "senseless" way. but It has given me a certain life experience and perspective that I otherwise wouldn't have and I have learned a great deal of many things because of it. so in a way it isnt senseless .

you have to make your own purpose in life. It won't be handed to you, but you can make it whatever you want.

life is a gift and you can make it into anything. End it if you like but its quite a waste really.

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>>18248203
I know this is kind of grim, but:

I came to the conclusion that since life and death are so mysterious, since I don't really know exactly what life is or what happens after death, I don't really want to risk ending my life on such a spiritually low note as suicide. I fear it might irrevocably affect my after-death experience, if there is such a thing, in a negative way. Like my soul will be in so much pain and sorrow that I'll become trapped in some hellish in-between state, or accidentally fall back into living a very similar life again. I also wouldn't want to be karmically responsible for the pain I inflict in others by killing myself.

Again, I don't claim to know real results of suicide, but I just fear...what if you commit suicide and end up in an even WORSE ontological situation? Better to let fate decide how I die than risk self-inflicted tragedy.

>>18248203

Doubles postings is not going to give meanings to your lifes.

>>18248239
> dead of death
Not OP but, I'm interested in "finding out" what happens after death

If you don't read often, seek some literature that explores the topic. I just finished reading the Alchemist,and although it is a very simple book to read, I read it at exactly the right point in my life. You should take a look at that.

Life has as much meaning you are willing to grant it. Every action can be deliberate, meaningful with one perspective, and yet empty and worthless with another. Both coming from the same human psyche. Seek the meaning in your actions.

Also, if it helps at all, I've struggle with the faith of a higher being/ a God/ a Creator for some length of my life. This stemmed a lot from the environment I was in, but also the seemingly impossibility for my increasing knowledge of the natural world through education to reconcile with the idea of a higher power. But, this dichotomy can also be lent to perspective. We simply will not ever truly understand the underpinning of our existence, and yet we use our observable knowledge using our arbitrary parameters to reject any idea of a Creator. Theories and laws work in our simplified version of the universe, but we can't even put a finger on the Grand Unifying Theory between large forces and atomic forces.

Basically, don't lose faith because it seems like you can't see what's there. It's there. This amazing, convoluted, chaotic, glorious universe is there. And you're a part of it. Keep with us. You don't want to miss out on the life youve been blessed with.

Fear of death, fear of the void, and love for Jehova.

I was so desperate.

I experienced the only way freedom can exists, is the absence of meaning. This could explain why the world is the way it is. The world can be the sum of all the human will, and the people with stronger will, shape the world. The bad ones are the strongest because they have no empathy and clear, well defined goals.

For me the fear is strong as a rock.
I was able 'to feel' the void, and for me, was the worst experience in my life. I walked like a zombie. Voices in my head, telling me everything I would try in my life will fail. The way they talked was the worst. Like bad actors, because my life was a bad movie, a bad play. 3.5 in Rotten Tomatoes. A mediocre life. Nailed.

I walked to the metro station. I was about to do it and I thought about my mom. If I died, she will died too, she would not continue. And I could not do it because I could not imagine give her that kind of pain.

A worst defeat. I walked into the train. I saw the train roof and the entire universe was laughing of me, mocking me. That laughter was the worst.

>>18248332
Are you still struggling with this?

#flatearth

>>18248203
Buddhism saved me in many ways. I recommend you to read about it, really to get to know about it as a philosophy - at leats you have nothing to lose and in best scenery it will make you genuinely happy and peaceful, able to enjoy your current life.

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I was there for reasons I cannot get into. My situation was probably a little different as I didn't want to die but was going to kill myself out of guilt/escaping an awful scenario I believed to be inevitable that would involve a number of people. I struggled, though, with who I'd be leaving behind and couldn't bring myself to do that to them. I figured I would face my fate and fight than make it easier on myself and in reality them. Everything is relatively fine now and my life is pretty happy again. When you're that close to death you start to appreciate the small things in life and you ironically end up happier. Weather the storm. It will get better.

Find your religion OP. Simple as that. There is no better advice than finding a religion that works for you, or creating one that does. Don't beat around the bush. Don't go hobby finding, people finding, study finding, none of that will help you because you'll be right back where you started. I was in your boat a few years back. I even went insane for a while there thinking existence didn't matter since non existence was inevitable. It still drives me to focus on my new religion I created, something quite unique to myself and I won't share.
You need to find something like this. Go back go any god you felt comfortable with and let this go like a flu or cold.

>>18248203
So theres no meaning at all. So what? Right now, finding peace is extremely difficult but if you just wait. Even for years, there'll be something worth living and seeing. Jerking off helps. I usually jerked off to release anger or gain pleasure but scifi helped me the same way this seems to help you. Idk man, just keeping sitting. There's nothing to life than man-made purposes like being happy. Being happy is fun but finding it can either be easy or hard, it'll come though

>>18248203
There's also the thought that, if life is meaningless and if everything is meaningless, then why waste your possible only life? Like why not just live if you're asking why not just die? If there's no meaning than there's no reason to die ans personally, accepting death is cool but living is cool too so waiting for it seems better.

>>18248343
Yes. I know that in my inner stream of consciousness, the negative voices are still there.

I want to use magick in order to destroy them

Read The Ancient Secret of the Flower of Life

>>18248203
Some people never go through an existential crisis, they just follow an easy, conditioned path. You're lucky to be experiencing this, it comes from true authenticity. You can't "fake it till you make it."

>>18248415

The true magick is your own courage and insight into yourself.

You have described exactly what the problem is: those negative voices in your stream of consciousness. They repeat over and over endlessly, you can't make them stop, they call you loser, failure, worthless, and all other manner of falsities. Having this self-awareness is the most essential part of solving it.

I don't know exactly what can help you, as everyone is different, but I can offer things that may help.

Type out arguments against the false, self-destructive thoughts in your head. Fully explore every aspect of them, every shadow they can find in your subconscious. The pen is mightier than the sword and you are in mortal combat with the linguistic poltergeists in your head. You know they are false, that's why you are so intent on fighting them. Merely by fighting against them in this way you are exercising true courage and will in time no longer become fearful of them because they are no longer poltergeists, just words on a page.

Another way is by learning to dispel them. Right now, stand up and look around the room, maybe wiggle your fingers while trying not to think. If even for a moment, you'll find that they'll go away, you are in the present, there are no stories about yourself. Mindfulness meditation trains you to control this better, to realize that thoughts are not realities but just objects in your mind to be experienced and considered without self-destructive emotional responses to them. Mindfulness meditation isn't abstract, it's the most concrete thing possible.

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>>18248471
Thank you.