How can I trigger an alien abduction? I wanna reach enlightenment

That is not the way to enlightenment

Get a cow?

They aren't talking to us because we aren't "ready"

So clearly you need to become "ready"

And then try and trigger an out-of-body experience in your meditations

>Gather Airhorn, flashlight, and radio
>Wait until 11:30 or so
>Go to a nearby corn field
>Find open spot
>Turn on radio between stations
>Undress
>Place flashlight in dirt pointing up
>Stand on all 4s above flashlight
>Pucker anus for aye lmaos

Go into a dark cold room, cover yourself in feces and vomit, shove a thermometer up your own ass and cry as the light from the outside and the wide eyes stare at you.

>>17460759
>I wanna reach enlightenment
Aliens will NOT enlighten you, except to the fact that they are evil and malicious fucks!

If you think your life is bad now, you have NO IDEA how bad it could be if these things take in interest in you!

You will not be their friend or gain knowledge, you will be experimented if you are lucky, if not you will be harvested like live stock!

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3MB, 252x263px

>>17460759
>probe up the ass = enlightenment

>>17460759
I would like to know this to, if only to just confirm some sort of mystery out there. As long as I don't die or undergo some rigorous anal probing procedure or otherwise (or at the very least have my memories wiped of it) I'm all for it.

>>17460759
>>17460759

what the fuck you hopeless idiot..get a job

>>17460979
>they are evil and malicious fucks!
Like humans, there are bad and good aliens.

>>17460759
Learn how to sleep paralysis.

Alien entities don't actually abduct your physical body,they can't because they're on other levels and realities( higher and lower).

I don't think you really want it but, I get it all the time, it's not always fun.

>>17460916
what do i do with the airhorn?

Go buy your own probe at a decent sex shop and do what the aliens would do. Ask for a probing guide.

Then find your prostate and massage it until enlightenment.

The government hired aliens to study the rise of prostate cancer but have been cutting funding so that's why they aren't coming around. They are very select and random. Most of their research is done anyway but are painfully slow translating their findings into our language so find enlightenment on your own terms.