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I hate to do this, but I feel an old feeling of growing irritation. I'm beginning to attempt to more fully reconcile my childhood, and that means not focusing so much on more mechanistic explanations.
Yesterday, I had reached my peak. Pain was under control, my mind was not only sharpened and usable, but something approaching clear. I had drank a decent amount of caffeine, but nothing abnormal. I began to become sleepy and eventually entered a state of fatigue. I layed down on the floor, planning to briefly rest, and immediately fell into a deep sleep. In a half aware state, I then felt a force, like something is wrenching my jaw around. I wake up an unknown amount of time later, look around, and I'm in that goddamn state again. I can't... quite understand what I'm looking at. Nothing feels quite right. I don't know where, or who I am. I "know" these things, but there's something wrong. Upon waking, I got up, didn't really know quite where I was. I go to the window, not to see the state of the expected, but to see what was there outright. My mind feels like mud inside, the pain is back and intense, and I can't barely draw from memory much less construct coherent sentences.
I used to think something was tampering with my mind in my sleep, and could put me to sleep to do it. Many things led me to this rough idea. Seeing moving shapes, like distortion patterns where light doesn't quite seem to behave correctly. Could it be a cloak? Seeing red lights and flashes from outside my door as a child. Falling asleep and suddenly hearing something scream in my ear "WAKE UP!" I shot up with my ear ringing. Then there was the recurring dreams of a woman with orange eyes, and I even saw her when I was awake. She appeared in many forms. I could feel her standing or moving around me. Sometimes she tried to entice me, sometimes she was motherly, sometimes detached. I felt limbs reach through my body, and as though something was trying to force its way[char]
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>>17121982
into my head. The truly unnerving part was that I felt a small something already within, trying to open the gates in response.
Eventually I stopped having it happen. Did she finally succeed? Did she become part of me, was she part of me all along? Did she, or it, take what it wanted and leave? Maybe wipe my memory of something, maybe planted something? I don't know, and I know I can't know.
I always woke up feeling dumber. Robbed. Stripped of even the most minute progress in anything, and I thought I fixed it, or it fixed itself. But I was wrong. This still happens, and it always happens within the same sequence of events. Likewise, I have found clusters of memory in my head that are walled off. I can feel them there, but any attempt to access doesn't work. Trying to force my way in results in everything, in an instant, yanked out of short term / working memory, and I am rendered blank, then all of my emotions reverse.
Could I be... followed by something? I am able to explain a lot of this neurologically, but I'm not satisfied. I can see correlations with stress and types of anxiety. But it's not good enough. I've seen and had too many strange things happen to me. I'm a it of a whack job anyway, so a mechanical basis within the brain is not out of the question. But I'd like to investigate all avenues.
There is more to be said, and better, but I just can't remember. A caffeine crash is not abnormal, but there's something wrong here. Feel brain dead. Transcranial magnetic stimulation comes to mind.
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Well, never mind. I think I'm just addled. My brain doesn't handle caffeine well. It can probably be described neurologically... I probably have some degree of hypermetabolism in the left lingual gyrus and right anterior cerebellum, and I don't know what sort of multisystem deal that would create.
I'm just tired of feeling stolen from. I had it. Now it's gone. It's all fucking gone. Makes ya want to just jump off the bridge. I don't want to rebuild again. I don't want to know I'll have to do it again. I don't want this raw pain in my entire body, I HAD IT.
If I find this goddamn fucking being... I have too many ideas for what and why.
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You okay, friendo?
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>>17122481
Not really. Might not be okay even when I think I am.
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>>17122657
Can I get a TL;DR?
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