ITT we create the worst retro gaming console one feature at time.

>>3367018
Add optical drive.

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Let's make this the color palette.

Commodore 64 power supply.

>>3367018
>>3367031
Cartridge port add-on.
Requires its own power supply.

>>3367018
Pc-speaker beeps and boops for sound. No pwm hacking allowed because the audio processor is too slow.

>>3367018
Nintendo slow down and sprite tearing if more than two sprites are on the same line.

>>3367018
They weren't hardwired to the system.

>>3367018
RF only

No terrible console can be complete without the cartridge slot from the original NES.

>>3367031
>not a tape drive

>>3367059
They are for this console.

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This is on the top of the console

Super Nintendo CPU clock speed.

>>3367059
It's an improvement from this new cutting edge system we are planning here. How about we also make them require batteries even if they are hardwired to the system?

Select, pause, reset are on the console.

Make sure to have a Nintendo branding

>>3367031
>>3367067
How about using vinyl record as storage media?

VIC chip from the VIC-20

No documentation given to devs

Region lockout.

SEGA farts.

gives force feedback through electric shocks

you can't turn it off

>>3367038
No. Use the Virtual boy one and also require the monitor be one inch from your eyes.

>>3367103
You use the handwheel to charge it up like those old shitty flashlights. Works for 15 min at a rip.

>>3367107
holy shit, your a monster and i love it

>>3367061
Also uses a antenna instead of a cable

>>3367172
And also require a metal spiked dildo up your ass. What's the point if you're just gonna make shit up?

it should use that TI processor so people don't know how to program it

>>3367135
Isn't tape slower?

>>3367138
It's fine for gaming but the text will make you go blind.

ZX Spectrum colour clash

Mega Drive sound chip

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A complicated multi-CPU architecture with shitty to nonexistent devkit and documentation.

>>3367360
>A Mega Drive sound chip that only works for orchestral pieces

>A SNES sound chip that only works for techno and metal

>>3367370
Or was it the reverse. I don't remember.

>>3367368
And a surprise launch so no developers have time to develop games for it!

>>3367381
In order to make the worst sound chip, your order is correct.
In real life it was reverse.

>>3367393
Is it really worse than a beeper?

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have the video connector be just 2 screw terminals

80s/90s NOA censorship for utterly neutered ports of games like Mortal Kombat.

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Go crazy with DRM.

>>3367425
And a finicky lockout chip to prevent independent publishers.

>>3367418
You do know that in 1982, most all TVs had screw terminals and not a coax input.

>>3367430
yea but those adapters always broke

>>3367427
this. require a pass-key to play every game so even if you dig the system out after a decade you cant play any games you lose their pass-key for

>>3367146
>>3367289
>>3367368
The most important thing here is to make the system use unorthodox multi-CPU design that makes it a bitch to program for just like Sega Saturn and Atari Jaguar were.

Anyway I have been thinking about the media we should use for games:
Optical drives like CDs would give the system long-ass loading times they'd allow too much data to be stored on them.
Tape drives would also give the system long loading times and would store less data making them a good option.
Then I through about floppies that would also have loading times and would also be prone to breaking and CRC errors.
Then I figured out that floppies and casette tapes would be easy to copy and are small, cheap and convenient to move around.
Vinyl records would be bigger and much more inconvenient to use but I think we can do even better.

Is there a media that would have long loading times, can only store a small amount of data, is unreliable, would be big or at least inconvenient to use, would also be something that isn't commonly used so it would also be expensive as fuck?

>>3367335
It depends on data density and how fast you play it.

>>3367440
Punch cards or punch tape.

Pack-in game is a copy of Action 52.

>>3367427
Holy shit. PS2 is the most modern console I own. Is this image real?

>>3367464
Originally, yes. They backpedaled before releasing the console so it's fine now.

>>3367440
LASER DISC

>>3367440
How about wax cylinders?

>>3367038
>>3367053
Though I still think the Apple II is worse. That thing doesn't even have solid color, just NTSC artifacts, and unlike the PC speaker can't play music without slowing the whole system down.

>>3367164
Every game start-up:

>BWAAAAAAAAANG!!!!!

>>3367489
Core memory would be fast, but the amount of it needed to store a game would be heavy as hell and really expensive

Alternatively, what if all games were stored in mercury delay lines.
It's volatile so the game pak must be powered at all times to retain the rom, full of heavy metal, and could be corrupted by bumping it. Not to mention, it's sequential access, so the console can't just get whatever resource it wants when it needs it, it has to wait for the delay line to cycle back around.

>>3367059
No one said they were. You may be missing the point of this thread

All dev units are NTSC but all consumer units are PAL

>>3367497
Yeah I don't think IBM PCs were bad at gaming by early 80s standards but they cost $$$ while a sub-$1000 Atari 800 or Commodore 64 were better at that shit.

By the late 80s of course PCs couldn't touch a NES or Amiga for gaming.

Madcatz is the hardware consult and has complete control over interfaces.

>>3367464
Microsoft had to reverse basically all of it because of all of the backlash

>>3367537
Mike Abrash, later part of the Quake dev team, had gotten his start writing IBM PC games like Cosmic Crusader in the very early days, but "I quit because I couldn't make a living that way". Being that the market for IBM PC games at that time was tiny compared to the huge audience you could reach on 8-bit computers.

Later he came back of course and wrote The Zen of Assembly Language which was one of the things that started the PC gaming revolution in the 90s.

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>>3367440
reel to reel

>>3367457
but because of space constraints it has to Action 10

>>3367672
Does it get hot enough so that the film can start to burn?

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>>3367690
yes

>>3367018
>hard wired Atari 5200 controller
>capabilities of Atari 2600
>cartridge slot of NES
>rf only
>uses n64 cartridges
>made from the same plastic as the SNES

>>3367368
And also the same cartridge slot that destroys itself from regular use.

Geez, I never have such problems with my NES's cartridge slot. If it doesn't work, just wiggle the cartridge around a couple of times and it'll go.

>>3367763
You're supposed to spit on the contacts so that they can have a better connection.

>>3367217
>>3367061
Nix the antenna. We're confident that the signal booster can do it without added breakables like an antenna.

>>3367161
Time-zone and hemisphere lockout too. We don't want people from Florida getting games from Texas now, do we?

>>3367806
Internet connections of 80mb down - 50mb up are required and the console uses every other cpu cycle to check that the game is not pirated or has been played on any other system.

A paid subscription based service is needed to turn the console on.

>>3367464
No, but that doesnt stop me from telling all of that to my customers whenever they ask me about it. Microsoft has no right to be in the video game market and I will do everything I can to hurt them.

>>3367872
Also the online play still uses split screen no matter how many people are on the server and you can only play with people within your own state.

>>3367889
Well, it used to be true, now only some of it is true.
Still though, I don't doubt for an instant microsoft would add it all back in and more in the next console, or even back to the xbone if people got to relaxed.

>>3367892
And the servers are always overloaded.

>>3367902
>servers
No, it's like back in the day where there was a host and several clients, and the host console carries the entire load

>>3367889
Furthermore, it is now your civic duty to spread this misinformation like Wildfire. We as entheusiests must do everything possible to kill this cancer before it destroys everything that makes this hobby great


On topic, games come in punch card format and each card must be individually fed into the loader. The loader is shit and prone to read failures and fucks up the punch cards. Each punch card only holds 500 bytes. Super Mario Bros. Port requires 32 punch cards.

xbox360 launch quality control

>>3367394
Beeper in the console unit!

>>3368078
This.
We need the sound quality of the ZX Spectrum.

>>3367763
That'll rape your pin connectors m8

>>3367679
and all 10 games are the same

The case is made of ice.

>>3367440
>Is there a media that would have long loading times, can only store a small amount of data, is unreliable, would be big or at least inconvenient to use, would also be something that isn't commonly used so it would also be expensive as fuck?
Those fake plastic records for that Fisher Price toy record player?

>>3367107
9 volt to power an led, board won't work without the led on.

>>3367439
And have it be like Internet passwords now
>your password isn't strong enough
>your password needs to be at least 10 characters
>your password must include a lower case letter, an upper case letter, a number, and a special character
>your password can not be a word
>our system detects if you use a special character to spell a word, like "3at" and "sh!t" and will not allow it
And instead of just having the number pad, the controller needs 2 non qwerty keyboards, both lower case and uppercase, and a number pad, while not being more than twice as large as the 5200 keypad. Special characters will have to be selected on screen using the joystick. And, to top it all off, all the keys that are on the keypad are on the screen, with the special characters being spread out randomly at the far edges.

Starting price of what the PS3 was on launch.

>>3368291
We can do better. Inflation adjusted price of the 3DO

>>3367908
Online play only through dial up.

Special ethernet modem, $90, still only capable of 56k/s due to restraints of console.

Host/client based. Host has to use a computer as a slave, Mac only, to be able to send data. If host disconnects everyone's console will shut off and have to be unplugged for 30 seconds. Disconnect can occur if ping becomes to high, or during drm checks.

Games are required to have an online option on the main menu, even if it's not sure implemented

>>3367103
>you need to search reference point zero every time you power up the console
>you need to clamp the game cartridge with a chuck
>you can set feed rate for how fast you want the game to run
>if you run it too fast it overheats, and the coolant tank needs to be ~6% expensive as shit lubrication fluid

>>3367059
we'll sell 2 models, one soldered to the board and a newfangled wireless version using the shoddiest infrared beam we can source

>>3367440
8" floppies

>jaguar and saturn chip mashup
>hardwired 5200 controllers
>all in one saturn cart connector and jag-ld (laser disk) drive/cart connector soldered to pcb
>built in game is action 52 but they're all variations of the same fmv game
>hardwired press on f-type connector, ntsc-j rf only ala' famicom (needs ntsc-j tv or ntsc-u tv that goes to channel 95).
>game gear capacitors
>colecovision 5 pin power supply.

>>3368356
Coolant can be an acid, tubing will be resistant, connectors will be galvanized and non resistant, as metal erodes it plugs cooling channels and the pump, pump over pressurizes, blows it's load all over the electronics, shorting circuits and eating contacts, catastrophic failure. Happens a year after production ends, no more replacement parts.

>>3368358
Laser on console is andgled down, laser on controller is angled up. At 3 feet away console has to be ~4 feet above the controller to work properly. Low tolerances, angle can vary 20° between units.

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Is there a worse cord than this to connect to a television?

>>3368368
I think a crappy built in game would be a good idea. And you have to turn the system on, hold the reset button, turn it off, then turn it back on to get past it and load the game you have plugged in.

What about cartridges not going into the system, you have to use a parallel ports to connect them to the console and the cart will just sit behind it.

>>3368378
Yes.

its game library is packed full of instant all time classics, all exclusives in indecipherable spaghetti code stored in weird proprietary formats under a layer of DRM making source ports impossible

>>3367464
Yes and no. It's a biased image that's supposed to make that stuff sound worse than it is. The system launched with none of that in place. Microsoft was actually trying to push the industry forward and kill physical media (essentially going full-on Steam), as it should be for modern games, but every Gamestop trade-in fag and europoors with monthly Internet caps flipped the fuck out. It's a shame honestly.

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>>3368378

>>3368287

You can't move up and down through the keyboard, only left and right. You also can't loop in reverse, so you can't get from Z to A.

Power adapter is so big that it takes up 3 spots on the power strip.

>>3367440

Rotary phones.
The game console would have a phone cradle on top. Every time you want to load a game, you have to first call the game company's 1-800 number then place the phone on the console so the computer can listen to the tones.
Have your parent's credit card ready; you're gonna get charged for this.

>>3368790
>1-800 number
>fee

underage detected

>>3368790
There's nothing wrong with rotary phones.

>>3368879
They work, but buttons are faster and more convenient.

>>3368356
I laughed harder than I have in months. Thanks anon.

>>3367018
This, plus:

>>3367038
Vectrex graphics

Played in a Virtual Boy

Runs on batteries

Name of the system is "I Love Hitler" so you have to say that at the store if you want to buy it

>>3369352
Magnetic tape format for the games

CPU - Sega Saturn
GPU - XBOX 360 (with its bad quality solder leading to RROD)
Need to go through the GPU for Ram like the N64
Ram is also split like the PS3
Controller - Atari 5200 controller hardwired to the system
Video output cable - Magnavox Odyssey cable hardwired to the system
Medium - Famicom Disk
Power adapter - Colecovision or batteries

>>3368428
yes and if you do the sequence wrong it erases memory backup, which is just stored passwords you have to manually input to begin with.

>>3367031
>Add optical drive.
With a lineup of FMV games.

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Don't forget to add a pause button.

>>3369352
>Vectrex graphics
Ebin
Vectrex is the most beautiful system in the second generation.

Commodore 64's CPU speed. At 1.33Mhz, it's a slug compared with most competing machines.

games stream content exclusively over dialup, modern internet connections not available. required for copyright protection. disc drive uses a non-standard size disc, is louder than an aging dreamcast. memory card works on a battery like the VMU, when it dies so does all your data. every connector on the console is designed to be utterly uncleanable and extremely prone to issues. menus require a lightgun accessory that exclusively works on crt tvs. proprietary case screws that haven't been used on anything since. controller buttons stick down for a fraction of a second, long enough to make rapid presses exceedingly frustrating. joystick made out of cheap plastic, will gradually break away into a jagged nub. a library similar to the playdia and casio loopy, with the framerates of early 3d pc games.

>>3371493
All connectors are unkeyed, leading to many cables being put in upside down and bricking the console.

>>3368368
>colecovision 5 pin power supply
One other thing - the Colecovision used unreliable 4116 DRAMs when most consoles (at least almost everything from the cartridge era) used SRAMs.

Someobody should draw this unholy abomination.

>>3368879
I converted a 1960's rotary desk phone to DTMF and it works great, even with VoIP. Built like a fucking tank too.

Turns piss yellow like early SNES systems.

>>3371493
What do we call this monster?

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Besides loading games off of 78 RPM records, the system also supports ROM carts that use bubble memory to store the game, and thus the system needs to take 3 minutes to warm up the carts on startup.

>>3372206
And we cheap out on the heater, leading to it often failing or catching on fire.

>>3367103
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07vdtBMG4Kg

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Off topic, but I've always wanted to take a glorious PAL PCB, remove U1 and replace it with a integrated FPGA+MCU then repurpose the cartridge data lines to be used as a set of high speed serial buses. Thereby giving the system neo geo tier or better data access(single 4Mhz 8bit parallel bus -> 2x 50Mbps full duplex SPI). You could then run standard SNES games via FPGA implementation of the CPU, then switch in a custom cart that has ARMv7 code for new homebrew games.

Think sega saturn(ARM microcontrollers are pretty fucking quick these days) graphics, neo geo bus speeds/latency and PC tier ease of programming.

>>3372843
I hope you do, I'm interested

The cartridges don't have ROMs on them, instead they have ram held in place by a really cheap battery.

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it has no controllers, the only input are buttons attached to the console itself.

>>3368365
>8" floppies
Those were actually quite reliable and spacious for their time along with the 5.25" floppies that came after.

The system should use 3.5" floppies with brutal copy protections on the games that causes horrible noise and wrecks your disc drive within a few months.

The Commodore 64 was like this, yet some Murkans insist on shitting upon the cassette tape drive used by the higher IQ European folk.

Anomorphic VGA* graphics!

*actual resolution is 640x64

>>3374359
What C64 games were sold on 3.5"? All commercial ones I have are 5.25. I'm glad I never had to work with datasettes like certain islanders.

You can connect a modem to the console and download DLC. But since there's no permanent memory, the DLC is gone if you switch the console off. You have to pay for the DLC again if you lose it.

Vram only accessible during blanking, but no hblank/vblank interrupts, so you have to count cycles Atari 2600 style. Also multi-level ram cache to make the cycle counting extra fun.

>>3374463
And to be clear, you can't poll for them either. The only way to learn the raster position is resetting.

The internal fan requires a separate power cord. If you don't plug it in, the console will run until it overheats and the chips fly off the board.

>>3374480
And due to a poorly designed case, the fan is jammed/blocked in half of the consoles.

The offixial fix is to buy a new one after the old ine overheats for 25% off.

Make sure that cables that allow for higher video quality are printed in short supply and put the chip to decode the video in the cable itself and not the console.

>>3367018
>>3367038
Its played up close to the eye like the fucking R-zone

64 at the end of every goddamn game title for no fucking reason.

>>3376752
I think it should be "3000!" for ultimate cheesiness.

>>3367038
WHO THE FUCK TALKS SHIT ABOUT CGA
DO YOU EVEN COMPOSITE

>>3374359
That was the Amiga that had 3.5" floppies with nasty protection schemes on them.

>>3377354
Many games didn't have proper composite support and not all video cards could use it. It also doesn't solve the basic problem of PC video cards being dumb frame buffers that the CPU had to drive everything.

>>3368356
>it should run on coal
>shovel not included

>ITT Nintendo engineers fishing for ideas

>>3367474
THIS

>>3367474
No, that'd make it one of the world's best systems.

>>3367360
No.

The sound chip produces completely realistic sound, but only screaming or flatulence; not even both at the same time.

The controller is wireless and powered by batteries. There is no recharging cord like the DS4 however, much like the DS4, there is a giant LED light that drains the batteries. Also, the batteries aren't of a standard size, instead they are proprietary, you can't buy them at a store.

>>3371304
You shouldn't be able to pause at all, we need to keep the casuals out.

Plastic turns yellow in the sun

>>3367474
>not developing a new disk format.

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Wait
no
OK
I got this
Every retro gaming system needs an add-on.

So let's have one that requires it's own power supply with one of those huge box things at the end you plug into wall, random cable you need to put between the add-on and the system itself and let's have another cable you need to have between the system and TV.

The question is what does this add-on do? Is it just your basic CD-drive or something else?

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Comes with it's own backup generator! No batteries required!

(fuel sold seperately)

Games switch between interlaced and progressive scan randomly.

>>3378416
That's not a bad idea. Not everybody has a free wall socket to plug another system in and having it produce its own electricity would save you from that.

>>3378404
It should be a thing that tracks where you're looking so you can use your eyes as joysticks.

Also, let's chip the power supplies so that third party power supplies are non-existent.

The sound comes from the console, not the TV, and there is no way to adjust the volume.

>>3378404
It also has its own video output (RF only). The add-on comes with an RF switchbox to switch between the original console and the add-on.

>1x disc drive à la Neo Geo CD
>gigantic internal fan which makes the console sound like your favorite jet
>the console is wider than deeper á la Master System

>>3367018
Magnavox odyssey rf box and cable

>>3378416

>Muffler sold separately.

If the kiddies don't want that cozy unsuppressed exhaust sound and that fresh carbon monoxide smell, they gotta pay extra.

>put it in the same place as the internet expansion module. So they have to chose.

>>3377597
Also, batteries are purchased from the console manufacturers store. You must input your systems serial number in the stores database as you are limited to 5 purchases of a battery. After that you must buy a new controller.

>Console has a top loading port.
>Port is raised 6 inches above above console.
> Cartridge is an extra 5 inches tall.
>Have it be removable and replaceable with an extension that is 1 foot high but loads from the front.

>A/C adapter is on plug and is large as all hell.

>Controller cord length rivals Famicom

>Internal hard drive that saves the entire game to it, but requires the cartridge for a single code required to run the game.
>Make sure the hard drive vibrates the whole console violently.

>1 controller plug on the front.
>3 more located underneath that tilt the whole console if plugged in.
>Tape player addon that goes under the console blocks the ports but has its own single controller port that has faulty connections and the left arrow/d-pad direction doesn't work at all.
>The tape player addon must be off-colour from the rest of the console and made of an inferior plastic. Preferably bakelite.

>Controller has the d-pad/arrows on the same side as all the other major buttons. The start/pause button is on the right side.

>A very touchy reset button is placed on the back of the controller near the place where you hold it.

>Create a light gun that has no sensor and is just a button
>Make it faulty enough that it doesn't even work all the time

>Vibration pack for the controllers
>Mandatory on some games
>Takes up a whole controller port
>Attaches to controller and makes it unergonomic.
>Vibrator is an industrial strength motor that will give you blisters from extended use.
>Vibrator sometimes activates the on controller reset button.

>System has a card scanner to start up games.
>Card scanner is the shittiest magnetic scanner possible
>Cards get demagnetized easily
>Cards made of the shittiest cardboard that gets damaged even from using it in the slot
>Card soaks up and and all water possible
>Multiple cards on some games for accessing saves, if you lose a card you cannot buy a replacement as each card is unique.

>>3378753
This is beautiful

I think we have already covered all the feature our retro gaming system needs.

All we need now is a name for our abomination and some crazy motherfucker to actually build one.

>>3381669
The HitlerDidNothingWrong ILoveBlackCocks. You can only turn it on if you say the name in full and out loud, often you have to repeat it five or six times.

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>>3367038

That's way too generous. Limit the colors to 2 per each 8x8 block of pixels.

Steering wheel controller that only works with one game

Add a shitty nausea-inducing 3D that almost doeant work that is sold for 600 dollars (or euros, eurofag here)

have to install the os from 100's of floppies

I like the 5200 hardwired idea, but we can make it worse. Have the controllers daisy chained like the 3DO ones, but they're also hardwired to each other, with Famicom tier cable length.
Also the games should have a control scheme that's as sparse as possible

>>3367440
Just have a mold that you need to fill with water and put in the freezer, wait for it to freeze, then take out the ice record out of the mold and play it in a record player, which you then output into the console and wait for the game to start. You would have to do this every time you wanna play the game.

Or if we feel particularly wild, we can just do away with the idea of a medium entirely and have the game just be code you buy and then manually type into the console every time you want to play the game. Of course, for copy protection it would have to come written in that extremely pale and almost invisible ink that's hard to copy.

Just make the games built-in. want new games - buy a new console.