Could you be so kind and read my script? and also if you cou

>>87157471
not long at all, just one or two scenes

>>87157471
Is this a joke?

>>87157471
Um, you should relax with all the parenthesis. When did you start writing screenplays?

>>87158000
do you like it bud? give it to me straight

>>87158178
You wouldn't know straight if it hit you.

>>87158166
just randomly out of the blue, always wanted to, just a quick scene i thought of lol did you like the dialogue or subject matter, character's etc. i'm an amatuer workin on my own, don't write much

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>>87157471
devoid of context, i have no idea what the point in this scene is

>>87158178
I didnt like the part were it says "Two Weeks Earlier" Why cant you start at the beginning?

>>87158191
don't be a dick, it can't be that bad, lemme guess you're an athiest?

>>87158213
I can probably help you, man. Just say the word.

>>87158218
>>87158227
just judge the scene for what it is, forget about holistic context, you can extrapolate from whats there, did you enjoy what you indulged in this moment, did you enjoy the exchanges or behavior of characters, etc.

>>87158285
do you have any postives or negatives you would like to share from what you experienced or read

>>87158292
is it supposed to be funny? Im not trying to shit on it, im genuinely asking here.

>>87158292
i didnt like the dialogue cos i found it cheesy but that could easily just be me

the exchanges COULD have been fine but i had no investments in the characters prior to reading it so, i did not

i have no idea what i indulged in

>>87158342
yea, in a rom com kind of way, i never thought id write something like this desu lol

>>87158486
I'd work on the humor. Other than that, I thought the dialogue was believable and wholesome. not bad

>>87158379
ok fair enough, what did you think of their respective ideologies if you can rememeber lol

>>87158532
i felt they were kind of predictable and it kind of grated on me cos it felt idiosyncratic but that, again, could just be me

>>87158523
you didn't think him throwing out the condom out the window funny? like how many MEN would do that, thats pretty rare and chuckle worthy, also i'm a firm beliver that people envision things differently, what one person says doesnt work may just mean they cant envision it or empathize with the material yet. What's an example of good comedic scene writing in your opinion?

>>87158326
Cut the parenthesis and the ellipsis, learn to write a scene description.. Learn how to format a SCENE HEADER, TRANSITION IN and TRANSITION OUT.

>>87158599
idiosyncratic meaning unique and good right?

I thought the dialogue was pretty convincing and I like the premise. It got a bit weird towards the end though with her smacking him in the balls (if I'm understanding correctly) and them smoking weed. I think the 30 minute time jump broke it up too much I wanted to see how he'd would explain to her why he wanted to stay a virgin so I could experience her real time reaction.

>>87158612
oh ok thanks, what did you think of the dialogue or subject matter

>>87158669
The dialogue and subject matter are decent, just fix the formatting. Also learn how to write a description, please. Like I said, I can help you if you want.

>>87158604
The script made it sound like the room was dark and we see him throw "something" out the window but it's not revealed to us what it was until he tells the woman it was a box of condoms. It's should have focused on the Johnny's so we see it happening that would be funnier although I honestly don't know if that's more to do with the writer or the director, I guess as a description it's not funny but it could easily made to be funny.

>>87158604
Are you a girl?

>>87158612
oh ok thanks, what did you think of the dialogue or subject matter, i mean i've never seen a man reject sex becuase hes a virgin and more importantly becoming a priest

Have you ever actually seen a real screenplay before? Formatting is important and necessary.

Also, take out 99% of the parentheticals and ellipses in your dialogue. Don't tell actors how to do their jobs.

>>87158604
i know comedy deals with subverting the expectations. And of course, throwing out a box of condoms is subverting the expectations, but it's been done before. I think what really sells a scene is the expression of the characters. A major reason why Seinfeld works so well is because the characters are so expressive. Kramer being one of better examples. Most of that comes from the actors though. What you could do instead of having him throw out the condoms, he runs to the bathroom and tries to flush em, but when they start clogging the toilet he has to reach in and scoop em out, and then out of desperation, he starts eating them! Now THAT's funny!

>>87158781
thats' EXACTLY what i mean, when i write, which is scarce, i always write with my eyes, with the intention of materializing what i envision later through shooting, but on paper i just provide the skeleton. My brain contains the hyper polished scene but my writing is usually a bit more light, its because im very lazy too
>>87159052
no lol why
>>87158665
I assumed that desribing here going "lol wtf wow!" was kind of redundant but it could just be a choice, i saw my way more effiecient, im also incredibly lazy. If you wish you can have this idea and flesh it out, im not going to do fuck all with it. My life is burden right now lol i have no time for it. I think someone can make a great wholesome rom com out of it, without it being vulgar or preachy. If i went to a studio i would take out the weed part, maybe have them playing darts and smoking cigarettes instead or something lol

>>87159223
thats EXACTLY it, i build scenes in my MIND through performance, i see how everything is expressed in my head, but i dont translate it on paper, because its time consuming and im lazy. I would love to see how funny seinfeld is on paper. I think it would add to my theory that on paper its not that funny but realized by great performers it become memorable. Just like you said about the scene and how you would handle it, some might say thats disgusting or stupid but performed by an emotive actor and its hilarious and memorable. My scene is much funiier in my head and than on paper. I would have them kissing and bumping in a dark or dimly lit room, enough to see body or silohette, and the man struggling to throw the rubbers out the window, showing frustration the whole time. I am also a firm believer in IMPROV, building as you go. swallowing the condoms or thrwing them in the toilet is time consuming and in this case hes caught off guard and already making out, hed have no time to go to the bathroom and take the rubbers unnoticed

>>87158523
the "i essentially just got cockblocked by God" line was funny right aha

>>87158604
you could have him try and get out of sex by saying his wiener is too small for the obviously average sized condoms she pulls out, like "oh... those huge things... it would keep falling off." Self deprecation is HOT right now.

>>87159804
lmao yea but these are great ad libs for me, i would improv all that shit. iw ouldnt really write it becuase it wouldnt give it justice for me, delivery is everything. but yea you are making good points to consider this was a quick draft, i could get deeper if i wasnt such a bum

>>87159223
I also.feel like the toilet thing is over done, what of we cut to a homeless person getting hit in the head by the condoms thrown out and when he leaves the apartment the next morning he sees the passed out homeless man with a million open condoms everywhere and one over his head lol

>>87160534
That actually sounds good

>>87161642
lool we ready for production