>this guy's never been employed, no known associates,

why did it have to be like this

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>I've read your file

>Graduated high school at 11, top in your class at Harvard, holds doctorates or honorary doctorates from every ivy league university, semester abroad at Cambridge, head of your class at the Sonic Fighting Academy, nine tours of duty in Vietnam, six in Iraq, deployed in Nicaragua, Green Beret, Marine, Navy SEAL, stormed the beach at Normandy, practically invented counter-terrorism ops, Silver Star, Purple Heart, Congressional Medal of Freedom, winner of three AVN awards, Olympic alternate in archery, water polo, Badminton, BMX and Freestyle skiing, TIME man of the year in 1982, 1990 and 2002, finalist on Iron Chef season 3.

>So tell me, how did you end up in a place like this...?

>>86406960

This is some weird blend of real circumstances that actual /r9k/ users frequently have, and how John Doe is described in the third act of Se7en. I challenge the OP to name two other kino with this meme.

>>86407024
kek

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>>86407024
literally just happened in the kino i'm watching

>>86407384
>mpc
kys

>>86407444
I'm not using MPC and you can't even see the player

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>>86407024
Name one movie

>>86407477
nigger why are you lying we see your subtitle font

>>86406960
Name 500 flicks were this happened.

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>>86407024
>three AVN awards
>finalist on Iron Chef season 3

>>86407384
>kazoo
isn't it wazoo?

>>86407625
Arial is the default font on most players, autist

>>86406960
>Hell, this guy doesn't even have a facebook, twitter, or instagram!

>>86406960
>never had a gf

I don't see what's so abnormal about that. You can't really get a girlfriend unless you're exceptionally outgoing and have an impressive physique. Average doesn't cut it.

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>>86407024
>practically invented counter-terrorism ops

I can literally hear this in a dozen movie character voices in my head

>>86408480
Your standards are too high, lad.

>>86407041
>The Dark Knight
>????

>>86408627
Not really.

Guy killed 13 czechoslovakians, guy was an Interior Decorator

>>86406960
It's only a cliche because you actually fit the bill. Being a frog posting freak is NO way to go through life, this whole blog is a problematic shitfest. That, in effect, is what a cliche is used for. Identifying the normal from the dangerous.

>>86408883
In English doc!

>>86408883
>>/pol/

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>his medical record shows he's never had a gf

>>86409017
>failed his way through HS penis examinations

>>86409017
See
>>86408480

>>86408717
Guy drives a Chevrolet movie theatre

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>Autism is a superpower

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>>86406960
>Holy shit!
>what?
>medical records show he's never had sex
>lemme see that... that makes no sense he's 27 years old, the vast majority lose their's a decade before then.
>maybe he purposely wrote the wrong info to mindfuck anyone who tries investigating him
>you're probably right

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>I didn't think—
>No, you didn't think

>>86407444
What the fuck is wrong with mpc?

>his latest penis inspection report indicates masturbation activity 2 to 3 times a day
>that's impossible!

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>>86409319
DELET

does it make you feel any better that google has a huge psychological file on you based on your search history? or do you prefer to think you're a ghost?

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>>86407024

>>86409585
that's part of why im trying not to become famous, ive put a lot of weird shit on the internet

>>86409319
Post you're address so I can murders you.

>>86407511
This happens in almost every movie where someone gets recruited. Recent example would be Kingsman

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>>86409319

>>86409633
same, though with how weird the world is these days sometimes I wonder if it matters

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>>86408045
This alone makes you look like a weirdo nowadays

>>86410017
Indian Google must be really fucking weird

>>86409418
There's nothing weird about that

>>86408948
kek

>>86409418
What? I grew up with three sisters.

>>86410425
kek

>>86410425
did you ever fap to the thought of fucking your sisters anon? I have, but only when i hit 20.

>>86408480
Eh, you can be exceptionally outgoing with a shit physique and still get an average gf, or you can have the body of a greek god and be slightly outgoing and still get a gf. Despite what you may think, most girls today care about charisma more than anything else. They aren't mostly shallow Chad Thundercock chasers like /r9k/ may have told you.

>>86410788
>They aren't mostly shallow Chad Thundercock chasers like /r9k/ may have told you.
[Citation needed]

>>86406960
Parking tickets/car expenses and no job staggered the shit out of my life. You don't fucking know how good you have it for not mixing cars and neethood together.

>>86410788
I dated a girl like that. I was objectively out of her league in terms of looks, but despite that she kept making fun of me because apparently I had the "virgin walk" and I didn't stand straight enough and I didn't talk loud enough and I was too indecisive and so on. Bitch. I miss her.

>>86409413
It's not being updated anymore, and it indicates that you run PajeetOS.

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>>86407024

>>86410091
Only if you've got no charisma, cuck

>>86407892
Not ARIAL BLACK though, son.

>>86408716
Yes really.

>>86408480
>you're exceptionally outgoing and have an impressive physique
Me apparently I had no idea

>>86410687
i made my sister dance suggestively for me while i masturbated. i was maybe 12 and she was 8

>>86407384
I just watched this!

Kind of silly but still good. It really proved that Clint Eastwood is an -Absolute Power- at making film.

>>86412347
Hot.

>>86412185
>post le cuck meme on a chinese cartoon board

Yes anon, no doubt you're very smart, charismatic and a productive member of society

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>>86406960

>alright, this guy is our main suspect
>keep an eye on him at all times
>if he as much as sneezes, I want to know about it

>>86407024
>"I just wanna see where the chips fall"

>>86406960
>his medical record shows he's never had a gf
Wait what? can someone who sees doctors explain this to me?

>>86414287
odd phrasing but GPs will usually ask if you've been sexually active within the last 6 months/year.

>>86407024
kino frogpost

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>>86407024

>*long cigarette drag*
>"Sometimes a man gets in over his head..."

I wanna know where this guy goes to, where he lives, who he fucks, wich paper he wipes his ass with, LET'S GO PEOPLE.

>>86414336
What's GPs?

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>No criminal record, employment records, no medical records, no penis inspection, heck he doesn't even have a Blockbuster card. It's like he's a god damn ghost.

>>86414336
Oh, I haven't seen even seen a doctor since I was, I think, 13.

>>86415024
General practitioner

>he's too clean if you ask me

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>>86409319

>>86414336
bruh, that includes masturbation, just so you know
he wants to know if your weewee is working, not hear about your shit love life

>>86409106
I fucking lost it you Crocodile

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>>86407024

>>86415960
Well I've never seen a doctor but unless I went to one for reasons concerning my dick, I don't think my dick is any of his buddies.

>>86415960
>it includes masturbation
I've been lying to my doctor for years then.

>>86416122
your hormones have a lot to do with your general health lad

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>>86407024
>finalist on Iron Chef season 3
This one got me.

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>>86409319

>>86416213
Fuck it then, unless I have a serious medical problem I won't go see a doctor.

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>>86409319

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>*whistle sound*
>OK EVERYONE LISTEN UP WE GOT HIM
>this guy's never been employed, no known associates, his medical record shows he's never had a gf, hell he never even got a parking ticket (he doesn't have a driving license), it's like we're dealing with a goddamn ghost
>sir hes too clean i think he faked the records
>this might be true he need to take a closer look at him

>>86416371
you will probably lose a lot of money and quality of life going this route, you know you can just decline to answer if you don't want your doctor to know you play with yourself 3-6 times a day

>>86408480
>tfw you've finished uni and will never have all the free time in the world to get drunk and fuck slags
A-at least I totally made the most of it, r-right? Haha I mean what kind of idiot would squander an opportunity like that haha like can you imagine?

>>86416477
Nope, I'd rather be like both my grandfather's and die before I'm 70. Fuck doctors.

>>86413286
>"Sir, we have activity!"
>"Shit, about fucking time. What have you got for me?"
>"1400 hours, he ate a bagel and then went back to browsing hentai forums online"
>"Good work"

>>86407024
>not having the Congressional Medal of Jesus
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1u8fcCICbdw

>>86407024
>"I wanted a challenge."

>>86412347
What kind of dance moves could she do

>>86409585
>not using startpage

>We just looked at his profile; everything's in order. Graduated high school with above average grades, studied business at university, left and traveled for a year before returning home and working middle management. Married his high-school sweetheart at 28, but then she died of ovarian cancer two years later. Left his job shortly after and has worked as a shoe-taylor since. Nothing abnormal or weird. Are you sure this is our guy?

>Oh, this is our guy alright. His profile's TOO clean

>>86408480
I know /r9k/ never leaves their house, but this is easily disproved with simple logic. Half the population is heterosexual women and most relationships are monogamous (cheating being as prevalent, if not MORE in women). It's literally impossible for all them to date cream of the crop super chads. Have you considered that maybe you're sub-average?

>this guy fucks

>>86416832
lol at this. we're not talking about boomer grannies. we're talking about the younger generations. young women and even some older """career women""" exclusively sport fuck Chads. there's no dating. dating is inevitable cuckoldry because women always revert to fucking Chads endlessly. just look at tinder statistics. fuck's sake.

>>86408480
This is what r9k actually believes.

>>86416038

dude imagine being this superior

>>86408480
bluepill imo. physique is nothing. face, height, frame reign supreme

>>86416832
Although that guy is obviously wrong, your logic is flawed. Most people are not monogamous.

>>86417097
I specifically addressed women are more likely to have multiple partners. Whether you call it dating or not is completely irrelevant. The question is, dear robot, where do they find all these unlimited numbers of chads to fuck?

>>86417097
>tinder

>>86417400
You don't need unlimited chads. It's possible for a guy to fuck more than one woman. And most young women aren't even in relationships. It's still pretty easy to find a girlfriend though. You just need to leave your house and talk to 3D women.

>>86417539
>You don't need unlimited chads. It's possible for a guy to fuck more than one woman
Then that would mean men are the bigger cheaters. You can't have it both ways.

>>86417594
Holy shit I never said anything about cheating. Most young people are not in relationships. It is possible to have sexual intercourse with being in a relationship.

>>86417658
*without

>>86416535
Anon hecking women is gay, don't even fret.

>>86417658
Again, whether you call it a relationship or not is completely irrelevant. You can't claim women fuck around more but also they fuck fewer men. Goddamn, you're dumb.

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>character furiously tapping keyboard
>"it's no use, they're counterhacking us!"
>green skeletons start dancing on the screen
>"get the new guy in he hacked into the pentagon mainframe when he was 15..."
>quirky hacker girl comes in
>"who said anything about a he?"
>taps keyboard couple of times
>"i'm in"

>>86417815
Again, I never claimed that. You're putting a different anon's words in my mouth.

>>86407024
Put me in the screencap too reeddit!!!

>>86417815
>10 guys
>10 girls
>2 guys have sex with each of the ten girls
>8 guys have no sex
This is a situation in which women are more likely to have multiple sexual partners and fuck fewer men, so I don't know what you're trying to get at.

>>86408480
I was ball-deep in my gf just yesterday and I'm a skinnyfat that spends most of his free time watching movies or shitposting

>>86418055
Are you somewhat outgoing and not ugly?

>>86415034
how do you even go through life without a penis inspection?

>>86418189
I rarely go out (especially clubs, fuck that noise), and I'm average as far as face aesthetics are concerned. ´ I also tend to spend several days in row locked in my bedroom

>>86417978
Then that means the 2 guys fuck around a lot more than the 10 girls. No sex guys don't enter into the count. How the fuck do you measure infidelity?

>>86418260
>I'm average as far as face aesthetics are concerned
Well you've got me beat

is it kino?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_-TR01tq5s

>>86418417
>>86418417
She's also my first gf and I'm 22 btw. Uglier dudes got laid before me, but granted none of their gfs were prized pigs

>>86408717
Really? His house looked like shit.

>>86418284
In that case, change it to
>5 guys and 5 girls are in monogamous relationships
>2 guys have sex with 5 girls
>3 guys have no sex
That would result in 70% of the sexually active men and 50% of sexually active women being monogamous.

>>86418490
I think I should lower my standards. after all other than girls saying i looked "older" (in the bad way) I've been called ugly and scary.

No girls want a scary, old looking uggo, at least not the ones I've been into.

These threads where we all pretend to be virgin losers have gotten pretty old don't you think?

>>86418762
>pretend
....

>>86416038
he's also asian

>>86407806
not in a pg13 movie

>>86407024
you forgot
>fluent in 12 different languages 5 of which he learned by studying ancient texts

>>86418547
well at least they are in a relationship. what's your excuse? :^)

>>86415960
it actually doesn't, and it's to determine any need for STD testing and education about safe sex.

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>>86406960
literally me

roasties at my new job were all in awe because they couldn't find me on facebook and thought I was mysterious.
had to reject them so they don't find out i'm a loser.

>>86419099
I tried looking myself up on Facebook, was damn near Impossible.

>>86419190
you have to make an account or something? or does google work

>>86417978
But this is just not what happens
Aim for the ugly or average girl and it is all settled

>>86419328
That's literally what happens though. The average girls fuck Chad, the ugly girls fuck Chad-, everyone else masturbates alone.

>>86419011
I'm not even a virgin. I'm just an autist who got triggered when someone claimed it was logically impossible.

>>86419256
I've made an account and tried looking for myself logged in and out, still I couldn't find myself. And I've never been able to find my on Google either

>>86414336
Ihave never been asked this by a doctor. Is it an American thing?

>>86412347
That's sexual abuse. I hope she brings that up in therapy.

>>86419834
I bet it is. Why do they feel the need to see doctors when theyre not sick?

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>>86410788
>Charisma is a certain quality of an individual personality by virtue of which he is set apart from ordinary men and treated as endowed with supernatural, superhuman, or at least specifically exceptional powers or qualities. These as such are not accessible to the ordinary person, but are regarded as of divine origin or as exemplary, and on the basis of them the individual concerned is treated as a leader.

>>86419834
On your GP check up is normal to ask of a young healthy lad when was he last sexually active ? What do you think mejt ?

>>86410788
You realize charisma is literally what makes chad chad, right?

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>>86419190
I don't have any social media accounts at all.
there are no pictures of me on the internet or anywhere.

>>86420257
I have maybe 2-3 pictures of me in the internet, a couple in yearbooks, ID cards, and very few pictures (maybe 20 in total) have been taken of me in the last decade

And yet I still feel like that's too many

>>86420384
I change my looks from time to time

>>86420441
Why do get the feeling this involves box cutters and a skin suits?

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>He's not ready yet, sergeant!
>Was I? This country needs him, senator.
>He's had 3 months of training!
>He's the top of his class and his reflexes are off the charts, he's ready for the field, I know it
>I hope you know what you're doing, sergeant. *signs random document and hands it back to him*

>>86420441
That's smart, but is it hard? Like is more involved that a new hairstyle and clothes?

>*sarge barges into precinct*
>you're not gonna believe this, Sarge.
>Sarge: what is it, Sanchez?
>Sanchez: you know how this guy said he'd heard of Abernathy? Well he didn't know of him. They were in NAM together...same company. And look at this picture... that's him on the left, Abernathy in the middle.
>Sarge: *pause* Holy shit.
>Sanchez: should I process the warrant.
>Sarge: *pause* No... something's not right. Did Jackson report back?
>Sanchez: no Sarge. Haven't heard from him in 24 hrs.
>Sarge: Son of a bitch... where the fuck is that joker.
>*cut to scene of Jackson doggystyle fucking the witness in her apartment*

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>you're a liability harrison, the da is breathing down my neck
>but goddamn you get the job done

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>>86416414
I want you to keep digging.

>>86419834
In the UK, they ask if you're sexually active (which is open to personal subjectivity)
They do it to determine if there's a chance of STIs or anything related

someone do one about hollywood/CSI computer hacking

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nobody knows anything about me online because I never upload anything, I have no social media accounts.
I barely even exist offline.
I'm not member in any clubs, I don't order anything on my name, I browse in private mode behind several proxys on internet that I steal from my neighbour and I never go to the doctor.
I'm living in a place where i'm not registered and I don't know anyone besides few family members.

I even got once followed by spooks who thought I was a spy (back during conscription).
hilarious because I ain't a spy, just a Neckbeard NEET too lazy to get socially involved or to renew licenses.

>>86417594
More men do cheat

>>86407024
Is there a tv tropes link for this?

>>86418958
oh god. I recently watched As Above, So Below and almost tore a muscle rolling my eyes when the dumb bitch said literally that at the beginning of the movie.

>tfw had prostate exam today

>>86416708
i kekd even before watching it holy fuck

>>86421864
hahah binger in da anus :DD:D:d

>>86415960
hahhahahahhahahaha

no, it's not.

t. a doctor

>>86416708
Villains who did literally nothing wrong.

>>86409349
I kinda like this one desu

>>86421546
tell us about the spooks anon

>>86409349
desu if i ever have a son i hope i get to use this one on him when he gets in trouble

>>86424897
They are buried in a barrel full of concrete now.

>>86409349
I hate this one because people have used it on me

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>>86409349

>I've been thinking
>I told you never to do that

post rare pepes

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>>86424897
>join military because conscription
>one day suddenly I get called into the office of the commanding officer
>he isn't there but two guys in casual suits
>one stands in the back and the other tells me to take a seat
>meanwhile some guys are going through my stuff (I had a piece of paper placed in the closet doors to see if anyone opened it, they were really subtle but not subtle enough)
>they ask me a couple of questions regarding the country where I was born, who I know there, if I like "our" country
>answer their questions and the other guy says something in russian or some shit, sounded like a name
>said "xcuse me?" and he didn't repeat it
>they let me go after like one and a half hour and I gave them the name and adress of my drunktard uncle that I barely know
>when driving home notice cars that follow me and a van that parks in front of my house for several days
>week later get assigned to new post
>accidentally figure out that the keycard allows me to enter every part of the military base for some reason
>sign up for some ceremony in a different military base and break through barrier to make picture of deconstructed new helicopter that isn't in service yet ( because I thought that was cool)
>get questioned a second time but by different guys in suits who seemed angrier and they basically went with me over my complete short and boring lifestory
>eventually they figure I'm an idiot nobody and leave me alone
>still notice weeks later cars following me

true story

tl;dr >>86425171

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>>86406960
>who IS this guy?

>>86407024
I really really really like this post

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>this guy's never been employed

what do you actually say when you get asked about gaps in your job application?
I have been here for 5 years and I didn't travel anywhere, I didn't do anything, just lying around browsing here.

>his medical record shows he's never had a gf
fuck, are doctors really keeping track on that?

>>86410900
They will be if Chad for some reason or another wants to.

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>we've been monitoring his apartment for a month, the only times he leaves it are to go to the grocery store or the gym

>>86417874
I really really like hack scenes

https://youtu.be/K7Hn1rPQouU

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>>86414287
>>86414336
>tfw been seeing the same doctor for so many years he's stopped asking me about my (non existant) sexual activity

He's awesome desu, been going to him for like 15 years ever since I was a young teen. I used to get the feeling he was rooting for me as I was growing up to get a gf or start banging chicks to help my mental state, but the last few years I feel like he's resigned to the fact I'm never going chadmode

I can feel him concealing his disappointment in me whenever I visit, he's more of a father figure than my actual dad

I-I just wanna make you proud doc! I'll grow up big and strong like you promised one day!

>>86427228
fuggg

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>catching up on GoT with friend
>gay sex scene, again
>suddenly friend reached over and puts his hand on my crotch
>I pretend to ignore it, but can't when he starts squeezing gently
>I laugh but it comes out as a stutter "what are you doing, bro?"
>he looks over and smiling says "and your other gun"
>emphasis is on "other" for some reason
>I don't know what to say
>his hand leaves my crotch and he says "It's just a meme, dude. You know, like in the movies?"
>I understand suddenly that he was just joking, and we laugh together
>I tell him I love memes
>he winks at me
>continue watching
So what do you think, does he browse /tv/? We never really discuss social media, but "and your other gun" seems like a /tv/ meme. I don't want to reveal my powerlevel in case he doesn't browse /tv/, but it's very suspect

>>86428115
kek

mfw I was thinking about anonymity and being one of those "ghosts"
you're in 4chan for good. life is not looking promising
mfw suddenly, some of the ghost traits are actually you
actually feels good now...
Just need to change the story a bit, but it's not too late to do something...

>>86426182
Do you know any good jokes in Norwegian?

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>>86428817
I'm not Norwegian

>>86407511
Kong: Skull Island since it's relevant to today.

>>86428901
That wasn't the question.

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>>86409349
>ywn get to use this on your child because an angry girl in junior high kicked you in the testicles and sterilized you

>>86407024
Clean this up a bit and this will be the new SEAL pasta.

>>86429038
How come you already had testicles in Jr High?

>>86429038
hey it could be worse. i got kicked in the balls in junior high too, because this fat chick asked me to a dance so i laughed at her and called her fat. anyway it hurt like fuck but i didn't get sterilized. And knocked up a girl later, and it ruined her life especially but mine as well. Not that my life wasn't going to shit anyway but it made it worse. ALso, they should add more testicle kicking to strong women movies where they fight guys. That is a legit tactic for a smaller weaker person to fight a bigger stronger one. That bitch dropped me like a sack of potatoes with that kick

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>>86429373
why would you ever expose your balls to beatings?
I dodged every attempt like a ninja.
my balls and dick remain unkicked to this day.

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>>86429459
i sterilized myself by dropping testes first onto the side of a bath. feels badman

>>86429459
well i was young man and not yet used to combat. also she was a girl, my defenses weren't really up. wish i could tell you i learned my lesson there but i still don't exactly expect a kick to the nuts from some chick i'm talking to, even though i clearly should.

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>>86429724
I was always fit for combat. when I was 8yo an ugly girl once kissed me against my will on my cheek and I grabbed her hair and dragged her from her seat and punched her in the face several times and she even pissed herself.

>>86421572
wrong. more men get caught

>>86429986
you gotta be a real stupid man to not notice when a woman cheats on you.

>>86417874
god damn it stop my sides can't take it

>>86409633
>somehow become famous one day
>all these random people come out the woodwork saying they know me
>dont even remember half of them
>people I dont even know find my entire internet movies
>"anon please explain why you torrented so many shemale pornos"

Fuck man, shit like that terrifies me. Just let me wank it to whatever I want in peace.

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>>86407024

>>86407024

Pasta potential

>>86426871
say u worked for a place that isn't in business anymore to be honest

>>86426871
I've never worked at anywhere that actually called my previous places of employment
Mind you, I've only ever worked fast food and manual labour

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>>86427701
hahahahahha what the fuckkkkkk

>>86418055
>ball-deep
Hitler?

>>86412347
hi lena

>>86407024
I just wanted to let you know that I laughed heartily at your post.

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>>86407024
>finalist on Iron Chef season 3
>three AVN awards

>>86408480
women are a fucking meme. get over them

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>SIR! We've got nothing on him except we managed to intercept a single http address - 4chan.org
>Alright excellent work jenkins, call up the NSA and get them to bring up every single post he's made in the past 10 years

>>86408480
Nah, you're wrong. I'm incredibly introverted and ugly and I managed to get two girlfriends in my lifetime. I can't anymore obviously, but that's because I've developed much more problems than being introverted and ugly.

Besides, >>86435194 is right. Hire a prostitute, get it out of your system, and then focus on yourself for the rest of your life. Relationships are incredibly overrated.

>"the aliens have superior ships, we cant beat them"
>"my god, even our top pilots wont be able touch them, you would need a handeye coordination level 9 to do that"
>kid is playing his gameboy in the corner
>"...jimmy, you know everything about videogames right?"

>>86407024
>>86408480

This thread is gold

>>86420441
taking a shower every other sunday doesn't really count

>>86428901
Stop dodging the question.

>>86416038
where do i find more bios like this?

>>86435497
good thing I only lurk :^)

>>86429038
Hot

>>86438015
>quoting RLM

that was a good episode tho desu

>>86412347
lucky