ITT: We write jokes in other comedian's styles, i'll

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So my daughter was opening up here vagina with salad tongs the other day...

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>Soooooo Donald Trump...

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Now y'all know I used to be one dem retarded kids in school, right... Y'all know I was on the short bus...

Ain't that about a bitch, young nigga like me sittin' next to a kid in a helmet talkin' 'bout sum his mouth broken cuz he thirsty. How the fuck I'm sposed ta get any pussy when I'm on the same level as the nigga with the moose tracks in his tighty whiteys...

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Isn't it great when a guy cums on your face?

heh heh...

Riiiight, ladies?

heh... yeaaaaahhhhhh....

Oh yeah just cum ALLLLL OVER my face.....

heh...

Thaaaaanks.....

*rolls eyes*

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>did (insert conservative person here) seriously say that? Did he? Seriously? Really?

Audience cheers wildly

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>>84094359
>I went to a holocaust movie the other day.
>It wasn't very good.

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>Hee heeeeee
>Is that right?
>What do you think of that Paul?
>hee hee
(taps pencil on desk)

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>ERrrgh
>Uh Ya got any gum?
>HA HA HAAAA

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SNEARD
he he he

>>84094596
She finally found that sliced onion. I KNEW I put it in the salad. Last time she eats in her room, I SWEAR TO CHRIST! I don't want to talk about the fucking homemade spaghetti....
My wife says it's normal. Christ. I didn't jam unpopped popcorn kernels into my urethra when I was her age.
I fucking stuck a carrot up my ass and jacked off like a normal 5 year old.

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I'm on my period right now.

*slight chuckle from the audience*

No, seriously. I am. Right now.

*more laughter, a few whoops*

Here look...

*takes pants off, audience busts out laughing, pulls panties off as several audience members faint*

See? Yeah I'm oozing uterine lining out of my vagina.

*entire front row achieves nirvanic enlightenment, levitates out of the comedy club*

Can you guys see it okay? Here, hold on...

*sits down on chair, spreads legs, holds phone in front of crotch, streaming a close up view of her menstruation onto a movietheater screen behind her*

There it is. There's my bloody pussy. Yup.

*27 minute long standing ovation*

>>84095297
Wait, there's a better joke in there somewhere. Like:

>Did you guys hear about that new Holocaust documentary that just came out?
>I heard it made $6 million at the box office, but the numbers just don't add up.

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>>84096202

>>84096014
I kekd

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ajjjjjjjjjkl;'; meagggggggggghs srgwjug eeeee9 ßwefgïef ewuguefr465vn6yh

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I finally got to see my grandma this weekend. I've been so busy I haven't had a chance to visit.

But I set some time aside to ........dig up the body.

>>84096545
Lmao nice

>>84096014
>27 minute ovulation

>>84096545
Never was a fan of those pauses, but he's still funny

>>84096014

Omg she's so brave

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
(social commentary)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

>>84096867

heeheehee

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SZOYOUGUYS EVER HEAR ABOUT TOASTERS? ...

WELL ONE TIME I GOT THIS CHROME TOASTER AND IT WAS SO SHINY I WAS LIKE *Black Woman Voice* OH LAWDY JESUS LOOK AT DAT CHROME.

SO I TOOK THE TOASTER AND I PUT MY PENNISSSSSS IN IT. AND THEN I FUCKED IT! I FUCKED THE GOD DAMN TOASTER AND CAME INSIDE OF IT! HAHA I CAME INSIDE OF IT!

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REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe
*Summons Satan*
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHFUCKFUCKFUCK YOU ARE EVERYTHING WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY YOU FUCKING CUNT YOU SHOULD BE FLUSHED DOWN THE TOILET REEEEEEEEEEEE

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Jack and Jill went up the hill eeeeyh *grabs balls and lights cigarett*

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Hey guys so I was thinking about killing myself again and then I used a nerdy reference to explain something.

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I AM NOT A HOMOSEXUAL!!!!!! ANYBODY WHO SAYS I AM A HOMO IS A DUMB GIANT LIAR.

>>84097174

*stadium full of fans implodes with laughter*


and I die a little on the inside.

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I like fucking tranny prostitutes. Aren't I just a scumbag?

>>84097127
Turns into Alex jones

>>84097338
FUCK YEAH

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Spear Tosser Fucker Coon Jizz Gang Bash Rape Fancy Part 7:

Watch a twelve horse-hung ghetto-blaring Zooloos dig a secret railroad into this barely legal debutant's virgin asshole, while her parents are strained to watch at gun-point.

Director's Cut

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There should be a drunk driving lane
Like big bumpers on the sides and shit
Alright

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The kids are in my dildo patch again.

>>84096867
GOAT

>>84094359
Ever since becoming a fan of Norm, whenever I look at the time and I see it's 9:11, I always say "That's terrible, reminds me of that tragedy."

This thread started with so much promise, but just turned to shit. Come on /tv/, you're better than this.

>>84097503
contribute or fuck off faggot

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There is nothing like snorting cocaine of a hookers ass.

Nothing.

Until you snort cocaine off her dick.

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>>84097444
>alright

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Hey buddy, how are you doing? Feeling locked up?

>>84097444
Tombstones and stuff say "Rest in Peace". We only say that to dead people. Why not give it some play for the living? Like I'm about to take a nap, my girlfriend says "may you rest in peace, mitch! I hope no one goes into your room and bothers you"

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"Oh aye, I tell ya, religious people are fookin' wankers, the lot. I'd rather have a pint and get pished than listen to some fuck in a tie tell me about fookin' salvation. It's all fookin' bollocks. An' I doo nae care which religion it is either, it's all fookin' bullshit."

>>84097503
/v/ did it well years ago, just go read that thread

>>84097658

lel. i read that in his voice

still love mitch though

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Did anyone else see the Ariana Grande concert? I sure would like to NAIL HER!

I'm glad that joke gets a laugh here. I was in Manchester last night and it really bombed.

Also glad we have an older crowd tonight who don't mind me taking the piss out of Ariana. The younger generation gets really torn up about her.

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>Actor Billy Dee Williams was in a car accident over the weekend when he was sideswiped in a parking lot
>Witnesses say the 67 year old actor suffered minimal damage and made love to the car until the break of dawn

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>>84096202

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look at me im a retard lol

>>84097827
Nailed it

>>84096014
I read this in her voice

>>84097623
I don't hate his daughter but man she says some dumb shit

>>84097174
SO I SEZ TO THE CHINK I SEZ

LEARN TO DRIVE AND THEN COME BACK TO AMERICAaAaAaaAA

OHHH

>>84097699
He was one of the greats imo
Seemed like a really nice guy

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>>84097174


Gilbert Gottfried was a better Dice than Dice

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftMb7wLrqsw

>>84097884
She ruins the show for me. Havent listened in over a year.

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>So I've been reading up on Islam on the internet. totally crazy, those guys, muslims, really like raping people. and i'm thinking, that's not very nice, raping people, but it's the only way us ignorant whites can be "culturally enriched"
*gets booed off stage*
>oh no it's the thought police shutting me down for wrongthink
*jump cuts*

>>84097444
checked, and you also go mitch right too

that's cool, dude. real cool

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Ever walk into a restaurant....

*playing piano fatly*

And ask the host...

*fat crescendo*

I need a table for 5.

Host says, "oh, you have family joining you?"

*piano stops*

No, I need them all in a row. So I can stretch out my talent.

*piano picks up swiftly, but fatly*

By talent I mean penis.

>>84097979
I wonder how Gilbert is as a person outside of work.

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>This week Glamour released its annual 'What men look for' list... >Topping the list this year: Sense of humor and looks
>Topping the women's list...
>for the 74th yr in a row…
>girth

>>84097979
The parrot in alladin was an aristocrat.

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>>84098048
wrong wrong wrong. Watch this:

>enters LIBTARD ZONE! with a sign that says DRUMPF IS MY PRESIDENT
>gets into debate with skinny latino twink
>jumpcuts
>twink says "but what you're proposing sounds similar to what Hitler did in the 1940s or whatever"
>sam looks at the camera, winks and says "hahh yeah you know"
>jumpcut to charls smiling at the camera, wearing a bomb vest and holding a real gun but they painted "nerf" on it

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Weed weed weed weed weed weeeeeeeeeeeeeed weed weed smoke weed weeeed weed. Legalize it already America weeeeeeeed

>>84098136
Close, but not quite.

>And topping the women's list for the 3000th year in a row....
>Money!

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>comes out with mucus on his face
>*incoherently mumbling*
>makes out with eric
>"WHOOPS I POOPED MY PANTS"
>pretends to assfuck eric
>camera zooms in real fast to catch tim's reaction as he whips his head to look straight into it

>>84098145
>"ey uh, Jimmy what's dis Bambino doin on our fuckin block. Didn't I tell him if he came in my father's spaghetti shop I'd throw him in the oven and watch him burn like uhhh, fresh mozzarella over a ziti."
>Mom comes in screaming telling him to stop
>Hundreds of retards screaming this is the funniest shit ever because it's relatively unknown

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This week an article in GQ magazine says that "Dad bods" will be the ""New Sexy" for women in the coming year.

In other news, women with sagging, loose, purple vaginas are buying 1000 times more make up than usual. In preparedness for the cultural shift.

>>84098110

too bad he only does roast stuff now he was amazing on Stern in the 90s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gucyg4givG8

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>suck my dick motherfucker

>>84094359
Honestly made me laugh

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I was on my way to the show tonight and I was stuck behind this car for, like, an hour. Never seen anyone drive so slow in my life, but I had to assume it was a woman.

Suddenly, the car just takes off ahead of me and obliterates the poor dickhead walking through the crosswalk, looked like someone dropped 50 jars of Ragu all over the place. So I'm switching gears thinking "Asian woman," and that's bad enough, but it gets worse. She continues to drive past the crosswalk and into a crowd of, like, one hundred people like some runaway lawnmower for people.

I'm not one to make assumptions, but I was thinking I was in the UK experiencing part and parcel life in the big city.

More like Ramadan Movethefuckouttheway

I'm gay.

>>84096260
>>84097822
include me in the screencap

>>84094359
>Hold the fort...
>He hated jews?!

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So I used to be one of those retarded keeds in school, right? I was on the short bus and everything like DURDURDUR

Ain't that a bitch esse? A young keed like me sittin' next to another keed in a helmet talkin' like his mouth broken cuz her thirsty, soundin' like HURDURDURDUR. Like what the hell, mayne? How's an esse supposed to get cono when I'm on the same level as some cabron with shitstains in his drawers?

DURDURDUR

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>the more I hear about the subprime mortgage crisis the more I want to use the n-word

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>>84098146

weed comedy is the fucking worst its even worse than improv comedy

>>84098325
This is like the r9k version of norm

>>84097716
surprisingly accurate

>>84098350


are you writer for Tosh.0

>>84095641
i actually read that in his voice and it kind of works.

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>I'm doing an impersonation of Christopher Walken
>Now I'm William Shatner

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Don't wanna say it's illuminati but, it's illuminati.

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>>84098576
this is the only line that made me laugh in this thread

>>84098609
Thx bro. Needed that.

>>84098576

No, I actually am Daniel Tosh.

I like shoving funny stuff up my asshole.

>>84095405
fuckin lol'd

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>>84098369
>>84097822
>>84096260
Cherish this memory forever.

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>>84098145
Does he really do stuff like this?
because I'd love to watch that

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So the other day I was watching the Pats game, and they were all wearing pink fucking gloves and towels? What the fuck is this shit. Why do women have to invade every single masculine space in the world? I'm talking to you LAAAAAAAAAAAAADIES! Can't a man just sit down and watch football for once without your fucking nattering? I swear to god if you talk over the replay one more time I will put you through THAT FUCKING WALL.

But what do I know, I'm an idiot. I don't read.

>>84098484
topkek

>>84096867
I still miss him.

>>84098145
>>84098048
Sam Hyde is funny. Not as funny as Charls and Nick, but he's funny.
>>>>/reddit/

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>>84098834
That anon is a fucking retard, here's what Sam Hyde actually does
>walks into a school with a gun
>shoots kids
I don't really get this joke there's no timing, no punchline, it's just off.

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>alright so i was thinking about killing myself the other day but then i thought "nah, i'm too old for that" so i went and ate at mcdonalds instead

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So I get on the internet right boo doopity doo so I can promote my show ya know F is for Family. So I'm there right and these...fuckin animals over there keep posting pictures of that guy from the batman movie right. Every time I say one of the ole "good goal team big goal we gotta get more of those" yknow about the bawwwsstooonnn *leans back* bruins, some asshole some maniac says "for you" WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? For who? Me? The fuck is this shit. Listen up ya cunts if ya see old billy redtitsover heya trying to do some promotin to pay the bills like a goddamn man then keep that for you horeshit to yourself. For me? No, Fuck you for you! Hey Nia, get in here with the urn filled with cleos ashes.

>>84097174
OH!

>>84095297

Went to the doctor last week... I was diagnosed with dyslexia..... So I'm going to need all of you to turn around.

>>84098743
So your jokes. They uh, never enter your anus?

>>84096545

that was a good one but this guy is an edgy try hard. Relies to much on muh shock value

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>>84099000
is he unstoppable?

>>84094359
Damn, that's pretty good Anon. I read the greentext first and I thought it was Norm.

>>84096202
>>84096260
>>84097822
meh

>>84099209

No, they just shoot right out.

>>84099199
Maybe:

>My doctor diagnosed me with interpersonal dyslexia last week, which means I can't talk to people unless they're facing away from me. So if you all wouldn't mind...

>>84099315
Life lessons. Thx tosh.

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Jajaja you see like us Mexicans we like to drive lowriders mang *mimes steering* Spanish gibberish ora le jajajaja ever notice your uncle goes to cockfighting matches after the swap meet? Jajaja chicharrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrones

>>84098521
but tj miller doesn't rely on weed jokes alone, most of his stuff is varied.

doug is 75% weed jokes 15% movies the rest is other/food

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Ladies and gentlemen. I'd like you to meet my friend, Ahmed the dead terrorist!
>Crowd goes fucking crazy
>SILENCE. I KEEL YOU!
Well how have you been feeling Ahmed?
>Ah, never better Jeff, my friend. 3 terrorist attacks in London. I can just see Gandhi looking down laughing at London
Wait, why would Gandhi be doing any of that
>Well, wouldn't you consider it poetic justice? After Britain attempted to rule India now WE ARE STRIKING BACK
No, no. The Indians are Hindi Ahmed
>Well, I don't see much of a difference. They wear head dresses, we do. They shit on the street, we wipe with our hand

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NIGGGGGGER

>>84099513
Never has to work another day in his life again because dumb americans ate him up.

>>84099410
Whenever I watched the george lopez I would google the spanish stuff he said, because it seemed like he saved the best jokes for spanish and they always made the audience laugh the hardest. They're just regular individual words.

Amen. Jealous as fuck

>>84098644
>Bill shitposts hidden in plain sight

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>>84098484

Mencia is a creepy ass fuck who grooms young and up coming comedians like a pedophile but instead he steals their jokes. Bobby Lee talks alot about it

>>84099104
>the entire thing
>that final line
Oh Jesus hold these keks for I am too weak

>>84099449
Ahhh fuck off. If you're here to defend comedians get out. Just having a little fun.

>>84099952
you just gave a shit example.

>look at this shit weed comedian
not usually a weed comedian

>>84099000
2x9trip0. Dammit.>>84100007
Not same anon. Bitch.

>>84097444
That's actually a fucking hilarious joke.

>>84099841
hey that looks like my local morning news girl.

Someone do cosby

DAMN Artie Lang realy let him self go

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpcoHz_nY8E

>>84098484
i did not even remember carlos mencia was a person until this post

he dropped off the face of the earth

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>>84100176
>here, take this

>>84100109
at my brothers old station some guy ran his car into the building to try and profess his love to the newsgirl

>>84100262


He dropped off the comedy circuit after the joke stealing controversy plus he got fuck you money from doing the Mind of Mencia show

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Right, er...
Talking about presidents actually, have you heard about America's old ambassador for Brazil?
Well, ages ago right, they wanted someone who knew the area well, you know, knew about the local plant life and fruit and that. So they hire this guy who's like a local legend but he never turns up to meetings. But, they just get loads of orders for like, bananas and nuts and that.
Anyway, it turns out, little monkey fella.
No, it is true, it's all there. What you think they waited tables but couldn't be an ambassador?
Sick of it.

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Hello everyone! Just dropping by to let everyone know that I'm somehow even worse than jim gaffigan.

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I high-five my grandma when she shits her pants. High-ten for diarrhea.

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>>84100271
She, subconsciously (un?), prefers jello-tin form.

>>84096202
I look forward to seeing this in my facebook news feed tomorrow morning.

>>84100383
That was such a terrible replacement for the Chappelle show

>>84098867
10/10

>>84097496
lol

>>84100417
DONT
TALK
SHIT
play a record

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>>84100417
This literally came in pretty recent so I haven't had a chance to verify it. Anyway ages ago people were running the london marathon just running like they do. Everyone enjoying it and that, anyway, bit of murmuring going on in the crowd, everyones like ey whats going on here? This sort of little fella was running on all fours and covered head to toe which is a bit weird innit? Anyway because hes so fast, everyones cant get a proper look at it and the little fella ends up winning. Anyway as theyre giving him the trophy, you know how..umm runners eat fruit for like energy and that. Theyre handing him the trophy and hes just eating all these bannanas. Turns out...little monkey fella.

>>84096202
Sounds like the joke Gilbert Gottfried did at the Hasselhoff roast, something like
>David's reportedly sold milions of records in Germany
>but we all know they're not very trustworthy when it comes to large numbers

>>84101061
this would give him the kramer treatment

>>84098905
He's not though. He's one of the most aggressively unfunny people I've ever seen claim to be a comedian. I'd probably rather watch Doug fucking Benson.

Someone do Ron White.

>>84101098
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hk_HPy0HbdU

Yep I imagine him exploding like here

>>84101061

I'll do you one better

>Karl: This literally came in pretty recent so I haven't had a chance to verify it. Anyway ages ago people were running the london marathon just running like they do.

>Ricky: Right..If this runner turns out to be a chimp, or any simian ape like creature, we're never doing this again

>Karl: Right, everyone enjoying it and that, anyway, bit of murmuring going on in the crowd, everyones like ey whats going on here?

>Ricky: Weird, runner has short legs, they usually have long legs and are hairless

>Karl: This sort of little fella was running on all fours and covered head to toe which is a bit weird innit?

>Ricky: Ooo, he's masturbating in a tire, runners don't usually do that do they?
>Steve: Let him finish

>Karl: Anyway because hes so fast, everyones cant get a proper look at it and the little fella ends up winning.

>Ricky: Right I'm going
>Steve: Rick shut up, let him finish
>Ricky: *sigh* God..

>Karl: Anyway as theyre giving him the trophy, you know how..umm runners eat fruit for like energy and that.

>Ricky: Yep

>Karl: Theyre handing him the trophy and hes just eating all these bannanas. Turns out...little monkey fella.

>Ricky: OF COURSE! Right, we're never doing this again. Play a record

*song starts*

>Steve: Short legs, tubby. They probably thought it was Ricky
*Loud Ricky laugh*

>>84101146
YOUUUUUUU MIGHT BE A REDNECK

>>84101061
I feel like he said that. Almost verbatim. Cheater.

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>Whats the deal with Nazis huh? They're not seeds, but they keep growin'

>>84100845
matty?

>>84094596
>mfw he actually described his daughter spread eagle masturbating on stage once

bless you louie

>>84101169
Yep perfect, those Ricky responses could be inserted into every monkey news ever.

>>84101225
What's the deal with these Jews living in poverty, I mean c'mon!
Have you guys seen these people?
Me neither!

----wait wrong comedian.

>>84100334
lol. yeah people get hung up on hot news girls. it's always boring weirdos.

>>84098209
I ironically think the other anons joke was way funnier but if he was 90s Norm would have 100% said money because censors.

>>84097827
fuckin kek

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>>84101225
>whose the joke now america

>>84101344
fuck you, libby and I are soul mates

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>So Donald Trump was in the news today
>He tweeted "we need the wall, not enough time to build, Democrats keep investigating me"
>That's like when your grandma misses a turn on the LIE and says 'I wouldn't have missed that turn if the Mexican built the wall'
>The Mexican said 'You wouldn't have missed that turn if my father didn't build this highway!"
>WILD CHEERING AND WOOPING
>And another thing... this is like if this happened and this actually was the case etc etc

>>84098812
lel

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Alright.... glad I could make it? Got called in, last minute like. Previous act had to cancel... unfortunate, real unfortunate. Man named Herbert Cucumber, usually comes out wearing a shower curtain. What's old Herbert do then? Makes a spaceship out of his own shoes, flies everyone in the audience up to Neptune. Yeah. Gives everyone their own little nametags made out of barnacles. So they don't get lost, right. So I thought I'd do him one better, yeah? Do it up even better than old Herbert Cucumber. How's he gonna manage that, you ask? I'm gonna have me pants off and turn 'em into a submarine, sail you lot all down to Atlantis. Everyone gets their own toothbrushes made outta laserbeams.

>>84099658
His wife took most of it

>>84101458
What a horrible post.

>>84101481
in the end it was Jeff Dunham who was the puppet

Brit comedy is invading. No problem.
Quick, do Russel brand!

>>84101498
But thats basically what he says every week, its just Trump said this but I make an analogy about what its actually like that is supposed to make you think, cut to black dude

Its not that he has a special style or is even funny IRL. I admit maybe I blew making a decent joke but just was going more for his style as I am not really that funny.

>>84101498
I second that.

>>84094699
MORE LIKE

>>84101536
Underrated. Sometimes I wish I could take a cock. Chill with a bro. Get sucked. Suck a cock. Play video. Fuck. But, too straight. Guess who I am.

>>84097606
made me kek

>>84095498
So fucking good

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>>84098048

God, I can't get enough of this guy. I hope he keeps it up along with how current events are changing in the PC aspect.

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>>84099652

Aye lamowe

>>84097668
makes me very humble and a wee bit ashamed.

>>84101945
that orangutan probably felt like he was nailing natalie portman

>>84101945
This would be funny if true

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>>84097668
Scots don't say "fookin'". Not like that. Get it right.

>>84101467
sorry to be such an american faggot but I just love weird English cool guys

>>84095236
he does this to right and left, try to stay focused

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>>84102255

>>84097226

trump is an orange

>>84097668
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdukSdkbU9o

>>84097226
My friend tried to show me a clip where he goes on a rant about how if he had a time machine he would go back in time to beat up george lucas for making the prequels. How boring would you need to be to actually laugh at that?

>>84094359
So a comedian on TV mocked [current president of the United States of America],it never happened before,here's a picture of that comedian doing a silly face.Pepe the frog is touching his chin ,it's funny in a post ironic way that hte pleb that dont browse my sekrit club wont understand.I'm feeling smug

>>84098145
counter culture,obscure music in a dark ambient/techno style play in the background of the skit so you have to know it's deep and counterculture
Namedrop David Duke for the heck of it

>>84099410
That's Pablo Francisco actually

>>84100417
>>84101061
Winner

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I'm not a conspiracy theorist. I just like to keep up with all them so when it turns out we didn't go to the moon I can say I told you so.

When all politicians take off their masks and admit they are, indeed, faggots.

When, it turns out, octopi are the most intelligent beings on earth.

When the earth is flat. Heh yeah. I believe that one, stop laughing!

When, cell phones cause cancer. Phhht. Still using it. Fuck you.

When aliens invade. Everybody prays for something. Don't judge me.

When you find out all religion is bullshit.

When you find out religion is a way to control and, inherently, indoctrinate the masses.

When you find yourself in a timeline where Trump is President. #needaportal

When you start to think auto erotic asphyxiation is a noble death

When you are the dude from the leftovers but still married to Jennifer Aniston. #millenialswatchusall

When, you ego death to death.

When you find your ego still alive and it has gonnorea.

When you scold your ego.

When you find out your ego is just your small flaccid penis.

When you find out your spirit animal is your ego. (Small dick)

When.....

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>>84094359
>You hear about that kid that went to North Korea?
>Otto Warmbier, yeah.
>Yeah, Otto. He's dead eh?
>host cracks a smile because of norm's ability to make anything sound humourous
>norm's monotone voice revs up as he gets ready
>so they sentenced him for fifteen years of hard labour for stealing a poster
>and you know what I think the worst part is?
>What, Norm?
>They didn't even let him keep the poster after that. That's kinda cold.

>>84102692
most of octopi's brains is just for the motor control functions of every square inch of those tentacles that can individually turn at a fraction of an inch at will. Most puzzles they solve they manage just by probing around and dealing with the immense sensory information.

They're no retards but most people don't really understand what they are using that huge brain for

>>84102752
You're a funny guy.

>>84102838
quit messing with me anon you know I want to be a stand-up comedian some day

>>84102866
Dubs of sarcasm.

>>84097716
Underrated.

>>84094359
That's pretty good. Really feels like a norm joke

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>>84098048
>*sees a person with contradicting interest*
>Aah.. she's one of these people *sighs*
>you know.. these people usually have an interest in this because *sips from milk can, burps*
>they don't have a lot going for them, alright?.. *smirks, holding laughter*
>they don't have a lot of friends.. no social skills, they probably as small were fucking.. uhm..
>they fucking were the kinda kids from the class you could've killed with one punch in the face *farts*
>*while laughing loudly* HEH ONE PUNCH to the face and a rope to the neck tied to the fastest car in the world, alright?
>aaah, anyway.. umm..

>>84103166
God bless hyde. Go to bed. GO LAY DOWN! IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU

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> if you're kissing your sister and can still taste your dad's dick....you might be a redneck.

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> muh sister's so fat, when i went to git-r-done, i had to slap her ass and follow the waves to find her wet spot.

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>>84103435
If your first memory is having your circumcision inside your sister's mouth while your dad gave her an uppercut...

You may be a redneck.

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Ooga booga, motha fucka!
*crowd goes fucking apeshit
Motha fuckin niggas be like they aint even SEEN a motha fucka doin shit, EVERY MOTHA FUCKIN TIME
MOTHA
FUCKA
*crowd goes apeshit again

>>84103480
Muh cousin's puss is so loose I had to strap a 2x4 to my ass because otherwise I'd fall in.

>>84103559
this shit right here nigga
this shit right here nigga
THIS shit right HEEEERRRRREEEE NIGGA
(sweats profusely)
that's some motha fuckin bullshit
nigga that's buuuuullshit nigga
gonna come at me like that nigga (slamming stool, hair flips everywhere)
that's why we don't trust those fucking white people (fixes hair, tries to get rid of seat with a towel)

see a nigga know, (runs around stage)

>>84103480
Now, despite the name I don't even know what cable TV is! I got the name cause when muh kids get crazy I whip dey ass with a cable

>>84096387
>People are stupid, religion is dumb, I fucking hate everything!

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> i had miles and miles of big black cocks inside my pussy before it was cool

>>84103753
Wait wait wait. I think we are getting derailed here. Don't quote shit they already said. Make up your own. You unoriginal fuck.

>>84101583
STUPID IDIOT

>>84097174
>ride hard

Oh I'm sure he does

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>>84096202
Just watched swindlers list the other day....
*makes a burnt firemen face*

>>84103814
She did?

I thought i was over exagerating.

>>84101467
accurate

Anyone got the Chris Rock one

>>84097444
You know, the other day, I got to thinking: Why do black people got white palms and soles?

Because they get painted on all fours.

>tfw you don't recognize a single person ITT
feels good to not be a stand up pleb

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Someone who's good at this needs to do this guy.

>>84097716

You forgot to add the necessary pause for the obnoxious laugh he does.

>>84104256
because my wife's not cutting it I tell you

>>84104256
Impossible.

Anything you could write he already came up with, i tell ya.

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>>84104256
My wife, you have to give it to her though. Even if you don't she'll still blow you.

I'll tell ya, my wife. You'll know when she likes you when she takes her hand off of the other guys cock and strokes yours. Albeit, she's still sucking a cock but the eye contact makes all the difference.

>>84104525
Uncanny.

>>84104256

It's not easy being dead, let me tell ya. I thought dying was the worst thing that could happen to my career, but then I saw bunch of kids on a chinese checkers board imitating my routine and doing it better than I ever did when I was a alive! I get no respect.

Even my wife doesn't respect me. When I kicked the bucket, I said to her: "Honey, would you look at this, finally, after all these years, I've got a stiffy!" and she just replied "Big deal, even a toothpick is harder than that. AND bigger."

>>84104541
Thx, funny though? Need confirmation. I'll tell ya.

>>84104525
My wife's no bargain either.
I told her when i'm dead she has to visit my grave every sunday.
She told me she'd bury me upside down with my ass sticking out so she has somewhere to park her bike.
Story of my life, no respect, i tell ya.

>>84094359
I don't get it. Maybe because English is not my mother language, or there's something in the back of milk cartons in the USA we don't have over here.

>>84104256
You know my doctor?
Doctor Vinnie Boombatz.
I got there to get my yearly physical, i asked him is everything alright with my testicles? He said sure, one always hangs lower than the other two.

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>>84104690

>>84100198
wait what the FUCK

i thought artie died like a year ago. i was even feeling all sad watching old stern clips with him. today.

>>84104739
Its only been a matter of time for quite a while unfortunately.

>>84104640
Newfie detected?

>>84097716
>"A HA HA HA HAAAA"

>>84104727
Oh, I didn't know.

>>84104923
Old school joke. We don't care about missing children anymore.

>>84097338
good one, Chip

>>84101551
>Wait so you mean to tell me,you people of 4chan,
>That monkeys, and what not,are taking ovah th' world?!
>Well thats a bit silly isn it?
>We dont see anyone jumping around scrathing their armpits*scratches arpit
>or balancing themselves on their tails now do we.
*Proceeds to drop on his ass and raise his legs in the air because he has no tail.
>Ladies an Gents!
*Goes backstage to fuck Katy Perry

How!!!???

>>84103753
She is the prototype for Schumer.

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>>84096202

>>84102272
you cant truly believe that

>>84098048
>mom get out of here!
>you're not gonna get in these pants with that attitude mister
>HA HA HA!!!
>you're NOT gonna get in these pants with that attitude mister
>you're not gonna get in these PANTS with that attitude mister
>you're not gonna get in these pants with that attitude MISTER
>you're not gonna GET in these pants with that attitude mister
>HA HA!!!!!!!
>it's not recording mom

> Good morning WHAT THE FUCKERS WHAT THE FUCKHEADS WHAT THE FUCKFACE ASSFUCK FUCKIN SHITHEADS.

> 20 minutes later, [comedian] comes in

> Hey man, how come you never talk to me anymore? Since that one night I made fun of your shitty fucking comedy, man you came across as a total hack. But I was a shitty person back then.

>>84095297
>My girlfriend says she doesn't want to have sex until she loses her virginity. I say she's got a snatch 22

>>84103166
People actually crowdfunded 3 hours of this,basement level cinematography and all

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>So I'm walking on the street the other day right.
>And this white policeman walks up to me.
>He's like "HEY NIGGER!"
>I was like "wait who me?"
>He was like "YES YOU NIGGAR!!"
>So I introduced myself as Dave Chapelle and he was all like "Ah.. I mistook you.. for someone else."
>So he invited me to his home and I FUCKED HIS WIFE WHILE HE WATCHED!!
>Racism is real people..

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You’re all a bunch of fuckin’ idiots! Let people tell you what you’re gonna do. Let people push you around. How long do you think it’s gonna last? How long are you gonna let it go on? How long are you gonna let them push you around? How long? Maybe you like it. Maybe you like being pushed around Maybe you love it. Maybe you like getting your face stuck in the shit. C’mon You love it, don’t ya? You love it. You’re all a bunch of slaves, letting everybody push you around. What are you gonna do about it

>>84098110
he has a podcast he does now

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>Anybody saw the news today?
>They shot this poor innocent black kid
>Just because he shot a white guy and raped his wife a buncha times
>They shot him just because he was reaching into his pockets during the arrest
>They claim he was going for a gun
>But I think it was because.. white people are racist.

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>So I was out with my white friend today
>Yes I have white friends, I'm not racist.
>Unlike you white people *slaps knee*
>Okay but seriously, so me and him were driving around right.
>And he gets pulled over by the cops
>And they let him go with a warning
>They tazed me in the balls three times though just to be sure.
>whitepeopleareracistthankyouverymuch *slaps knee*

>>84109319
More like 10 hours actually.

>>84095236
>Looks like republicans are actually getting something done
>touches ear
>pretends to be recieving a message
>clip rolls of republicans objecting to a democratic bill
>jon looks dumbfounded
>AUDIENCE ROARS WITH LAUGHTER
>wow I guess republicans are actually evil and stupid haha

>>84097822
say to plebbit for me, and also remind them that farming 4chan for karma is literally killing this website please thanks bye!

EDIT: WOAH THANKS FOR THE GOLD STRANGER
EDIT 2: TRUMP IS LITERALLY GETTING IMPEACHED
EDIT 3: BERNIE CAN STILL WIN
EDIT 4: JOHN OLIVER IS THE ONLY REAL NEWS

>>84111221
Jesus

>>84098279
Its absurdist ironic humor you wouldn't understand. Go back under the bridge you 4chan TROLL

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Here's my best Seth Meyers joke:

>Guys, Trump is a liar and he lied about his Russia relations, everyone who voted for him is bascially hitler he is a fascist, Bernie on the other hand is great. Trump is orange.

>>84110053
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ofnSojq-vqI

>>84095297
>today I read hitler was a vegan
>finally a reason to hate hitler

>>84097127
I miss him, guys :'(