>finally made my way out of the popcorn mines >falcon

EVERYDAY I'M SHUFFLIN'

>get captured into the popcorn mines
>immediately into made the popcorn mine bitch

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>sent to the popcorn mines for 7 years
>6 days left until I'm finally released
>faggot newbie shows up one day
>smuggled some cigarettes and a light somehow
>kept warning him not to smoke in here
>doesn't listen
>the heat from the cigarette ignited the vapors in the mines
>sets off chain reaction with all the kernels popping at an exponential rate
>mine collapses
>458 virgins/kino offenders dead
>only 12 anons survived, including me
>had to serve another 7 years for not effectively preventing the disaster

>>83829858

That's bullshit. Why are manlets luxuriating in their pits instead of contributing to the peak popcorn problem?

>>83829910
Because they're all dead. Thankfully some out-of-state kinoplexes offered to uproot some of their manlets to our fresh pits

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>wait 4 hours in line to see Medea Goes to Jail Part 13: Barber Shop
>finally get up to the counter
>$299.99 for an escort, 2 $49.99 tickets, $33 sales tax, plus $50.00 tip
>excitedly scratch off ticket to see where I'm sitting while hoping to get designated shooter
>6 years hard labor in the popcorn mines

God fucking damn it

the hardest part about life after the mines isn't the ache in your bones, or still coughing up butter ten months later.

its the smell -- it clings to you, keeps on you. the goddamn smell of popcorn, everywhere. i wake up in the night sometimes and smell it all around like im back again. and then i start to hear the popping

god, man, the popping. always the popping, and then the screaming starts

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>June 12th, 2017
>day 3079 in the popcorn mines
>it's been 2 weeks since the mine collapsed
>I am the last survivor of the kernel mine cart The Nostormo
>all food rations have been exhausted
>water is scarce
>lantern oil: critical
>there are sounds coming deep from within the mine
>several of the men's corpses have already been carried off
>they hid in the shadows, waiting, watching my every move
>a strong scent of musk, fecally in origin, fills the damp air around me
>the occasional glare of lamp light can briefly be seen reflecting off their eyes on the outer circle of the light
>I've managed to scare a few of them off for now but they'll be back soon enough
>it's just a matter of time before the light goes out, then they'll take me too
>still I can tell something even bigger resides deeper within the mine
>as I write I can sense it coming closer
>the light from my lantern is already beginning to fade
>in a few more moments it should be here
>oh God, please forgive me for everyth

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>>83830815
>he didn't bring grue repellent

>>83830815
Wait...how did you hot post if you got kil

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>be 2011
>part rockers aren't in the house tonight

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Popcorn mines sound pretty comfy desu

>Take a VCR and CRT TV with you
>Plug it into an extension cord that leads out of the mines (or maybe the mine already has power?)
>Watch comfy VHS tapes all day erry day
>If you get hungry you can just grab some popcorn off the wall

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>asshole mine inspector comes down with crab legs
>says it's for us workers
>says he's noticed that we've been working hard so he wanted to reward us
>I hadn't had crab legs in years
>the smell slapped me with all the good memories I had on the surface before I was sentenced to the popcorn mine
>all the other miners come flooding around us dazing by the sight of the red meaty crab legs
>out of all of them the supervisor offers the bucket to me first
>take a crab leg, it feels so hefty
>see a skinny lad, looks 18
>feel bad and give him what I took
>he eagerly tears the meat out of the crab legs
>stops mid-bite and drop the crab leg on the ground
>his smile turns to a shocked look then a betrayed one
>the inspector starts clacking
>the boy drops to his knees then onto his face cold dead
>the inspector throws the bucket of poisoned crab legs at us and says, "Eat up!"
>mfw I'm responsible for the guy's death
>mfw no one would believe a NSP violator if I reported the inspector

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>you have to fill in because the cinema house band is on strike again

>>83831228
you still have to pop it tho

>>83831228
>grab some popcorn off the wall
You need a license for that you dumb fuck, not everyone is experienced enough to know how to grab popcorn from the walls without causing an accident.

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>>83831277
>>83831395
>He doesn't have his own personal popcorn mine

I remember one moody december, on a rainy day, a back-alley stray dog day, sitting in a quiet movie theatre with my Pa. Not a large chain or anything like that. Not a franchise. Just a one room block that showed movies every sometimes in the spaces between the important days. There was a dry-cleaner upstairs and the machines would rattle throughout the films like the distant carriages running through our eastern line. I remember these things better than the film itself. We sat in plush chairs. Ate popcorn. I remember the smell. The toasty butter and salt. I was happier then than I would ever be again.

If only I had known.

The days are long here in the mine. Buttercough has swept my district and left most laid up. It wont be long before I wake up with my throat clogged and my body weak. Don't pray for me.

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>fail penis inspection
>assigned to reclaim unpopped kernels of popcorn from poop
>mfw it's ladies night

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>>83831256
>tfw you could have almost left this world without thinking about it
>but now you have to keep working in the mines, and you will never have the guts to hero
Fucking inspectors

>released from the popcorn mines
>considered "unfit for society"
>can only find work on the candy corn plantation

>>83831564
i appreciate this poste

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>tfw released early from the popcorn mines for "underwhelming performance"
>tfw serving out the rest of my sentence at the butterbee farm

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>>83828051
>friend got thrown in the manlet pit
>got lost in the popcorn mines
>called for help
>no answer
>bunch of stacies and chads on the train to Nirvana
>Robert got eaten by falcons
>no one guards/rules the place
>almost died of hunger
>found some leftover crab legs
>1 week before i got out of the mines
>good thing Vin Diesel help me get out of this god-forsaken place

>have to fill in for one of the flicks because one of the actors is sick
>choke

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>drafted into the Plex Defense Forced 10+ years ago
>made my way up to Sergeant First Class only because of all my dying squadmates
>wake up at 3am every morning and go down into the mines while the workers are still asleep
>have to wear 100 year old boots as we step through the rivers of miner excrement and piss
>most boots barely have soles, let alone waterproofing
>because I'm the Sergeant I get the one new boot per year that we're allocated
>17km in to a 30km march we stop for a break
>barely any workers this deep in
>mostly ones who ran away from their excavation site and went nuts in the dark trying to find their way back
>suddenly our butter fueled lanterns run dry
>dumbass Private forgot to pack enough sticks of butter for illumination
>create a rotating watch to scan for mine-crabs
>our muskets only have enough powder for one shot each
>crabs pick off half the squad when we aren't looking anyways
>it's been 3 weeks
>the last stick of butter is finally at the end
>only one bullet left
>have to decide whether to kill the youngest squad member out of mercy or myself

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Help, lads.
The kino inquisitor is making his rounds, and ring in the popcorn mines has prevented me from seeing anything for months now.
I got my falcon to cover last time, but I don't think it's going to fly again.

I'm going to get my feet hacked off and sent to the Manlet pits at this rate

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>>83831959
just do your work we can make this out alive

>>83831959
Anon! How could one say they havn't been able to make time for national kino! I can't even fathom it, praise be Hollywood, the only reason I live is to enjoy butter popcorn and crab legs at my local cineplex.
>>83831891
>>83831841
>>83831611
>>83831256
>>83830815
>>83830142
>>83829858
>>83829806
>>83828051
Thank you for your service anons, the butter popcorn is absolutely to die for

>>83831959
Jesus fucking christ dude just fill your corn sacks with rocks or something. They'll punish us all but if you come up short they'll fucking hack all our feet off. I'm only 5'11 man they'll send me to the pits for sure.

DO NOT FUCK THIS UP FOR US

wtf are you autistic faggots on about?

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>>83831228

You never spent even a single day in those hell fire mines, faggot

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>>83829910
You don't want to end up in the manlet pits

>>83830815
The ground shakes...drums, drums in the deep. We cannot get out. The shadow moves in the dark. We cannot get out. They are coming

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What's worse, the popcorn mines or cleaning out/feeding the manlet pits?

>>83828051
I love these threads they make me happy st least for a short while

thanks to all you for contributing

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>>83828051
>>83832541
I meant to include this picture

>>83832523
Manlet Pit is usually day long punishment for bumping the usher-slaves and not screaming enough when the designated shooter hits you. Popcorn mine is a much worse punishment, not even considering the irreparable damage it does to your body. Everyone comes out of the mines blond from butter poisoning which obviously disqualifies you from any of the good seats and the best food-trucks because of affirmative snacktion.

>>83832541
Me too. These threads are surprisingly comfy. Makes me wanna get some popcorn and a soda desu

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>>83832638
>>83832541
>>83832563
>slacking off in the mines
That's it. You were warned. I don't know how you smuggled those phones in here but you're coming with me. You'd better hope to god the cave-crabs are hungry because whatever we find deeper in the mines will infinitely worse than them.

>go to the american-mexican kinoplex on the border
>stash some taco bell burritos away in my jacket, no way they will be able to recognize taco bell amidst the mexican crab legs
>no problems getting to the viewing area
>take my seat in a rickety chair covered in blood and semen
>they release bloodhounds into the theater that are meant to capture cartel members known to operate out of the kinoplex
>the hounds smell my taco bell and leap at me
>they rip the burritos out while tearing my skin up
>they eat the burritos and immediately start shitting everywhere
>i get banned from the kinoplex for bringing food from the outside world in thereby violating the prime directive

shitty place

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>>83832771
>violating the prime directive
>IN MEXICO
I'm surprised they didn't cut out your tongue and replace it with a mine-parasite. You got off easy.

>>83832733
Couldn't be worse than what I faced in the halls of the popcorn king

>>83832172
Go have your capeshit fights somewhere else, Reddit.

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>>83832172

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>get done pulling an 18 hour shift down in the 3rd quadrant of excavation site 13 in the popcorn mines
>mine crabs only managed to take half the company, mostly newbies
>lost another 20 from a cave-in caused by an ignited gas vein
>after finishing our radiant vapor barrier and disheveled crab shells ration mix we begin settling in for what we assume to be the night
>Sweet Johnny begins to hum It Ain't Me between hour long bouts of buttercough
>a few of the other men begin to chip in as he gets to the chorus
>begin sweating profusely as I desperately try and hush everyone
>it's too late as The Purge begins as the slave kennels are flooded with butterbees
>I regain conscience beneath the disembodied limbs and entrails of the other laborers to find myself the the only survivor
>get relocated to excavation site 16 with another 7 years added to my sentence

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>mfw the owner of a local flickoplex was out in the desert because he heard of rumor of bountiful popcorn mines, with pieces the size of popcorn balls
>We were slaves from 5 am to 1 am all week mining and it turned out to be nothing but Fools Corn
Also I'd be careful of where you light a match in those mines. I heard there's a pit somewhere that's still burning popcorn to this day, everyone in town had to leave because they got sick of the smell of burnt popcorn

B-but perhaps we'll get promoted and have a comfy job like Robert's right bros?

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>>83833435
Robert has been lost for a few weeks now, you think he got promoted or something? I'm worried

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>>83833333
They said we'd eat crab in the mines everyday! What a treat I thought! What a stupid young fool I was. And that was BEFORE they let the Kinoplex Special Forces rape us inbetween their crab extermination missions.

>>83833464
Robert became the Kino Inquisitor, anon.
Don't tell a soul, or they'll come for you.

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>>83833514
t-thanks

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>>83833514
Fucking affirmative action. I've been spraying down the gimp for DECADES and that little shit comes along, slings a few crab legs and suddenly BOOM he's killing slaves in the mines with a permit? Fuck this pla-

He's right behind me isn't he

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>tfw I saw a wild pack of juggalos down in the mines for the first time today

Even amongst the corpses and excrement, it's comforting to see that there's still beauty in this world

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>every day 17 miners take their lives
>lung cancer caused by butter vapor is being covered up by Big Popcorn
>kinoplex realized that letting the crab trawlers unionize was a mistake
>more and more popcorn jobs are being outsourced to singles pass violators and mexicans
>what was once a team of a few good men has turned into a clusterfuck of criminals with virgin collars
>I've had 5 butter drill operators just this week killed by roaming packs of feral falcons because my watchmen fell asleep on duty
>at least they're reassigning me to the kettle quadrant next week
5 more years of this mess and I can finally retire. Got some good land where I can plant my sour patch kids and relax.

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>>83833333
it was worth it for those digits

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>>83833622
Hi there, friend.
I hope you've got your pick axe ready and said your goodbyes to your falcon

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>>83833755
>Plex Special Forces were out of town securing new mines
>because of this the crab infestation was out of control
>one day, delusional after a 25 hour shift a pack of 10 foot tall giga-crabs swarmed us
>they picked a man up and tore him in half right in front of us
>the light of the butterlamps shone through his blood and entrails and projected onto the walls
>it bathed the entire cave in a light so beautiful even the crabs had to stop killing for moment
>and just like that his torso fell to the floor melted by crab spit and the feast continued
>altogether 77 of of 88 miners were eaten in Quadrant 13
>but I still think about that time when for a brief moment our spirits soared
>when crab and man were united in the appreciation of beauty
I wonder sometimes if this war between our species can ever be stopped. I doubt it.

>>83831791
>he doesn't know

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>>83833998
K-k-know what?

Anyone here ever gotten a successful transfer to the kino-fields? I found a few film reels in the mines and I think I have a real knack for it. The kino Inquisitor even said I had great taste when he was impaling my thigh with the Taste-Tongs after I spilled butterlamp oil on his NEET-skin shoes.

>>83828051
im posting it again
https://soundcloud.com/lazerbird-98477393/afternoon-at-the-kinoplex

>>83834078
>*explosion*
>"Refugees Welcome!"
I laughed so hard I cried the first time I listened to this.

>>83834032
I first heard it whilst I was working a job in the Trans-Europa Odeon mines- then a second whisper in an African FlickMart. Butterbee farms; a ticket to paradise, where the sun is still felt on a mans back and vegetables come out of the ground pure and without a sugar dusting.

But a jive old projector-man cornered me on that final plane from Betamax, said the farms were a lie, i didnt believe him- where would the souls of the good falcons go? His shriveled lips twisted in pain, Butterbee were a lie, just like Conan 3- shuddering pain, that flight a haul from hell. 'Been three years now, no one goes to Butterbee farm ...

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Just got transfered from the bull prep lounge and and I have to say the popcorn mines aren't as bad as I expected. I can deal with daily eye salt baths and carbonated colonoscopies, but how do you guys deal with infernal nightmarish screaming all the time? It's been 3 days now and I still can't block it out

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>>83834213
put on your headphones and play it ain't me on a loop. I'm also guarding the theater entrance, just stay in your position, anon. I don't want to get into trouble and get thrown in the manlet pit

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Goddammit, looks like I'm on the projector again today

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Hey guys my names Chad, what's going on here? I was told to show up and accompany some autistic kid to the movies as part of my community service outreach program, my punishment for having sex in public on multiple occasions. They told me that regularly interacting with some outcasts would help me stay in touch with all you losers. I just turned up and I don't see Roger anywhere, what's going on? What's all that banging?

>>83834369
Remember anon, don't look into the corners

>>83832587

>affirmative snacktion

Gold

>>83832238
>david vs david

kek

>mistime my "for you" in the dark knight singalong

Is there any way to appeal my lifetime ban?

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>reading about all these virgins whining about working in popcorn mines and manlets being stuck in the manlet pits
>kinoplex overseer offers me a supervisor job in the soda fields for being an exemplary chad
>swimming in a pool of coca cola right now as i'm typing this
>in every batch of soda that's pumped out, there's some of my piss and cum in it
>sometimes see greasy, pale popcorn miners trying to escape to the surface, and i always get to snipe them from my porch
>life is good

>>83835377
We cum in your popcorn too faggot.

>>83828051
>falcon abandoned me
Don't feel bad. Falcons are sluts. They'll take off with anyone if they think they can get a shower out of it.

Why the fuck do Kinplexes make it such a hassle to bring your anvil?

>>83835979
Regulations are a bitch. A few isolated incidents involving anvils and fires burning down the entire kinoplex ruined it for the rest of us. Soon they're going to start requiring background checks for falcons. Just look at Europe, every falcon has to be de-clawed. That's our future if we don't vote out Robert from the front desk.

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What in the actual fuck is wrong with you people?

Isn't this board about television and film?

>>83836125
What kind of third world kinoplex do you live in that doesn't have popcorn mines?

>>83831256
when i read the first line as he came down with crab legs, like as an illness.

>>83836125
Yes, but you go to cinemas to see films.

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>>83832587
>Everyone turns blonde from butter poisoning

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>been in the popcorn mines since 2011
>about to get out in a week
>posting from a weak 3G connection from a phone that I have to hide in my ass most of the day

man next time I just pirate a movie

>working 8 hour shift at the flicknasium
>my feet slip of the pedals powering the kinoscope in theater 47
>customer satisfaction officers tear me from my seat and proceed to beat me
>tried to explain the need for foot straps but they said that would make the job too mindless
Shit like this is making me consider joining up with the cinematographic terror cell and splicing subliminal anti-theatre messages into the film rolls.

>>83836125
Some anime autist has no sense of humor, what a surprise

>>83831564
Good post

>>83830815
scary

>>83828051

Who mines the popcorn mines, oompa loompas, pirates?

>Tfw punishment for trying to escape the popcorn mines is to be encased in molten butter like Han in Empire

>>83831228
Yeah sure except that every day you don't hit your quota you have to serve an extra two days.

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>finally get to the showers after waiting 30 minutes at the penis inspection line
>after i get out find out that someone stole my anvil at the check in
what the fuck man

>>83836125
/tv/ is yet another /b/, like /v/ and /pol/

>Tfw you find a new shaft
>Lots of exciting opportunities to mine something really good
>You and your buddies who you've built a strong camaraderie over your shared imprisonment go to sleep discussing your dreams and what you want to do as soon as you get out
>You awake dead in the night to hear a cacophony of screams, sentient caramel have formed together to make a caramel monster which is now eating your buddies
>It's dark but there's enough light from the fires to see one of your friend's faces imprinted on the Caramel monster's body as he tries to burst out from inside but it digests him

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>all these light weights talking about popcorn mines like it's so bad
>nobody mentions the cuck factories
>if you had any idea the depth of horror you'd go mad just from the idea of it
>JUST