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>be me
>going to see the WILD and CRAZY blockBALLBUSTer of the summer with my gf
>got my express pass Elite Couples tickets in the mail weeks before after passing penis inspection in the top 1%, upgraded to Diamond class due to my Jewish gfs all natural DD breasts
>push my way to the front of the line past some manlets trying to bribe their way through the 6'5 height limit
>make my way to the designated Kinoma shuttle but am told by a grovelling employee that due to new Affirmative Action regulations by President Drumph, a mandatory singles quota is now in place, and the bus is currently full of them.
>scowl and begin to leave before the employee tells be of the experimental Diamond Class teleporter they have now in operation
>think nothing of it and just want to get to the theater so I can fuck my gf in the couples only spotlit section
>she goes through the teleporter with no issues so I follow next
>feel an intense pain, thoughts of fear and loneliness grip my mind for the first time in my life
>step out of the smoking teleporter on the other side
>there was an error, I feel sick but check the console for information
ERROR: PRESENCE OF PRIMARY AND SECONDARY ELEMENTS, POSSIBLE GENETIC FUSION
>If primary element is Anon, what is secondary element?
SECONDARY ELEMENT: NOT-ANON
>computer, identify second element
SECOND ELEMENT: VIRGIN
>damn, one must have snuck in
>I step back in horror, already feeling the chances
>shout at my gf in terror to get away from me
>muscles melt away
>chin recedes back into my neck as greasy hair covers it
>penis retracts up into my body with only a small nub sticking out
>spine twists into an exaggerated hunch as I shrink to 5'2
>gf is crying as my stomach and man boobs begin to bloat out at a terrifying rate
>she tries to run but is not fast enough, is caught and absorbed by the terrifying pink mass of flesh, along with the other theatergoers
>cry as i feel them struggling, dissolving inside my horrendous bulk
>never got to see Baywatch
>>
That finna sound #LITTY AF
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>>83404616
>>83382495
>be Dafne Keen
>want to watch Logan in theaters
>they won't let me in because I'm single and Mexican
>get sent to the popcorn mines
>use Adamantium claws to break mining records
>given award
>it's not even real popcorn
Mierda!
>>
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>paleo-gf wants to go out tonight
>I saw we should go see Alien Covenant
>she's already seen it, says we should see "Pirates of the Caribbean XIIV: Johnny Depp poses for Pirate flick" tonight
>have to order a singles ticket because they don't count Asians as GFs
>show them the presidential pardon I received from Donald Trump as a thank you for my service reliving me of my virginity.
>they accept it warily but demand I go through processing while my gf stays in the pen with all the other Asians until I can be verified
>mandatory decontamination shower and penis inspection followed by a Meyers Briggs personality test before I can upgrade to a couples seat
>go back to claims in order to retrieve my gf
>drop my gay card while trying to find the claims ticket they gave me
>dragged off to kangaroo court and sentenced by a jury of stacy's to hard labour in the popcorn mines, 8 hours a day, for 50 years until I can retire
last I heard my gf was sold off to the Disney organ farms that sponsor the Kinoplex and provide it with its hotdog meat
>>
>>83404616
>be me
Here was your first mistake.
>>
>>83404616
>going to watch Snatched with my girlfriend
>yes I have a girlfriend
>I'll let you stop hyperventilating so I can get on with my story
>ready?
>okay
>walking to the room
>everybody is giggling at us on account of the B+ written on my forehead
>got a bad grade on the penis inspection because it took me 5 whole minutes to get hard again after the first ejaculation
>girlfriend is being distant, like she doesn't want to be seen walking with me
>map says to go through a pitch-black hallway
>can't see anything
>walk for a few minutes
>feel grass under my feet
>smell a musty, powerful aroma
>it's the bull pit
>try to reach out for my wife's hand
>she says she'll be fine
>keep walking
>the smell gets stronger
>can feel warm, moist air gently brushing me from all sides in a rhythmic fashion
>feel something like a salami press up against me
>hear a giggle from my girlfriend
>she sounds further away than before
>bumping into more salamis
>I yell out to my wife but she doesn't respond
>"Honey! Where are you? Please come back, I promise I'll do better on the next inspection. I was just tired today, that's all!"
>...
>"Honey?!"
>hear thundering footsteps behind me, as if a house is approaching
>what I can only describe as a damp log is pressing up against my cheek
I'm more asshole than man now.
>>
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>>83404616
just got back from Viewing that Comedy Kino
I can confirm its a urinating good time for the whole family.
There I was sitting in the dark theater. Wearing my Jean Shorts and Sandals (my regular theater fashion).
its a non stop laugh riot. actually its too many laughs because i missed some jokes when the entire audience were guffawing uncontrollably. About half way into the showing i felt a warn wet sensation on my bare feet. I looked down and noticed a steady stream of urine washing down over my feet.
By the third act the piss stream turned into a mighty cataract of warm yellow liquid
>>
>go to the appointed kinoplex for my province
>have to take a 3-hour bus ride to the popcorn trenches in front of the entrance
>I've brought my trusty AK, helmet, and a police jacket I copped from a fellow virgin who didn't make it last time
>the bus stops, and we step into the trenches, ready to advance
>a Falcon flies over, and gives us the lay of the land
>It's gonna be a rough fight
>all the other nameless virgins are praying that they make it alive to the theater before the show begins
>a whistle from our Squad Robert
>the onslaught has begun
>Anyone too scared to make it out of the trench in time is summarily executed
>As we cautiously make our way to the next popcorn trench to refill our buckets, a small object whizzes through the air, and smacks me in the face
>I look down
>it's a fucking butter grenade
>I kick it to the side, hoping to minimize the impact
>the force of the butter grenade launches hot, delicious oil over my brothers
>most of them within the blast radius don't make it
>I'm scarred, but I'll live.
>there's a few more on the ground, never launched
>I pocket one for the next time
>almost at the entrance
>I've collected the scalps of theatergoers to present as tribute for the entry Roberts
>I'm bruised, bloody, beaten, but breathing
>My movie begins soon
>The few virgins that have remained band together at the entrance
>I've become the leader of this squad
>we walk in together, and I confidently slam the theatergoer scalps onto the entry Robert's checking table
>he lets me and 3 others in
>the rest are shot on sight
>I choke back tears
>to the side, I see Chad and Stacey from high school walk in the non-virgin door, none the worse for wear
>Chad's wearing a Polo
>I want to make them pay
>I dig into my popcorn bucket, and pull a butter grenade
>"THIS IS FOR VIRGIN COMPANY"
>I lob the grenade, and sprint into the theater
>Chad's screams are music to my ears as I leap into the immunity cart to the top row
Baywatch sucked.
>>
TLDR
>>
>>83405749
>Insidious debut
>every time something scary is about to happen, the designated sassy black woman says mm mm
>people laugh every time
This one actually happened.
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