ITT: We make fun of comedians. I'll start: >White people....they

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>You know...according to uhh...Sigmund Freud, we all have this rather uhhh...primal desire to molest children
>Now I swear that that one day i'll be telling this story to a judge somewhere
>A little bit a bout myself...I grew up in Brooklyn you see....a bit of a strange childhood. Probably the cause of my neuroticism
*flashback to entire life story*

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>Ladies we all know what we have between our legs right? VAGINAS
>Im wet

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*mispronounces name*

What is a Chicano?

>>83301300
A first generation Mexican-American.

>>83301300
American born from Mexicans

>>83301300
an Ameicanized Mexican

>>83301300
Spics born in Chicago.

>>83301300
a very chic spanish anus

>So what's the deal with

>>83301333
>>83301352
>>83301392
Why the distinction though? Do Mexicans look down on them?

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So guys...hotpockets

>Oh that guy he talks about hot pockets too much I don't like that

>>83301739
>Why the distinction though?
Because most of them don't even speak Spanish yet claim to be Mexican

>Do Mexicans look down on them?
Yes

>>83301932
Are these the retards that protest in the US while waving the Mexican flag?

>>83302008
yes, it's always Chicanos that bitch about Aztlan and shit too

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white people be whack yo

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>>83301932
Mexicans looking down on anyone

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>>83300908
Same but with black people

>>83302349
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L104LViQeIw

>>83300908
literally every non-white comedian ever. they just copy what black comedians do but even worse

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>dude I'll just inhale helium and read Steven Wright jokes lmao

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>cuando los mexicanos me dicen que no soy mexicano solo porque he nacido en los estados unidos

>>83302349
HE RAPES BUT HE SAVES

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>so I go into the store, right?
>there's this mother not watching her kid and the kid's yelling
>MAAAAA!!! GIMME CANDY!!!!
>Let me tell ya, folks. My parents would not allow that to happen

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>>83302479

Come live in spain. No more disrespect.

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>>83300908
Racism and overdone stereotypes
WITH puppets!!!!

>>83301300
it's a kind of american, the medium brown kind

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>Edgy bit like Bill Hicks but less funny

>>83303574
>*recited liberal agenda with no humor at all*

2010-2015 era Bill

>so I'm tellin ya about this epidemic of gold digging whores bringing good men to their knees!
>I mean it's BRUTAL just brutal
>But it's alright (D'oh jeezus) cos 'ol Bill's here to tell it like it fucking is

2016-present era Bill

>so I married a BLACK WOMAN that's right I GAVE HER RIGHTS TO HALF OF MY SHIT SHE DIDN'T EARN HERSELF
>and I had a kid with her too cos whose gonna put up with this psycho red head right? This Ron Howard lookin' motherfucker.
>Oh yeah that dog I love? GAVE IT AWAY like A MAN
>and that drum kit I said was gonna be my 'man time' in the house? Sold it. Got that shit done. Delish.
>OLD BILL became a FATHER and lets never address the elephant in the room that the comedy has disappeared from my podcast entirely and my last special was SUB-PAR OVER THERE.
>oh yeah white privilege is a thing now
>and slavery sucks
>and Nia's always right
>Now time for a little advertising
>SHERRY'S BERRIES.

>everyone hates carlin now
why?

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>I'm sick of people saying I'm late all the time. "The late Mitch Hedberg". I'm fucking dead, it's completely unfair of you to expect me to be punctual

>>83301437
Underrateado.

>>83303811
He was never funny to begin with..

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>so Donald Trump
>audience starts booing
>he did something that I disagree with
>audience boos louder
>and he's stupid
>audience breaks into a hysterical fit of laughter
>
I really used to like this guy, but ever since the election it's been nothing but making fun of Trump, I don't even like Trump that much, it just gets tiring hearing him make the same joke at the same person

>>83304112
No, I mean the hate part. There are tons of shitty comedians.

>>83304201
>he did something that I disagree with
>and he's stupid

What's funny is that there isn't even a joke!

>>83303876
Good job. Sounds exactly like one of his shitty jokes.

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Doug Stanhope:

>How about /pol/, THAT place is a real dump-a-roo!
>None of my business but why bother investigating the Kennedy assassination? Even if you found out conclusively exactly what happened, what would it matter? Try finding the cocksucker who stole my change jar from my apartment in L.A. Hey, I need closure too, you know.
>Guys, I think I hear a jingling coming from the book depository, ya wanna set your conspiracy sights on that one?

Dennis Miller:

>What ever happened to comedy? Folks, I don't want to go off on a rant here, but our culture has gone from the Marx Brothers... to Oh Brother. I've been on this website called 4chan on the internet and it is the most unfunny place on Earth. They throw out more air balls than a bunch of hairy Slovaks from KK Maribor, and the humor is so dirty and idiotic I feel like I need to use more latex than Bob Carlos Clarke, squeezing his buttcheeks into chaps inside a Shichido Station subway car packed with salarymen tentacle rapists.
>Then there are the tired unfunny memes, repeated again and again like Michael Dukakis telling old Medicare speeches Xeroxed off of Edge-notched cards.
>You're a big guy...
>For you they said
>Tsh, they couldn't get laid by a big girl if they were the only guy in Umoja, Kenya.
>Its not the real thing, real humor, its like I came to see The Beach Boys and they said... here's a clapping seal, a music box, and Scott Totten, here's your beach boys, now shut up and listen to Kokomo.
>The culture is so hard to plunge into on /tv/ its like I'm jumping off Glashgarriff Bridge and simultaneously learning Swahili and I have seventeen 14 year olds calling me a faggot because I can't learn how to say GIF in time before plunging into ye County Cork.
>If it weren't for the kids with the big boob bouncing titty gifs that get me harder than a Skoocumchuck Totem, I'd have surrendered faster than a Frenchman who heard there was a fire sale on Personopsis and the Greek government was going to need another bailout already.
>Expecting /tv/ to have patrician taste is like giving the Presidency to the traveling carnie boss who used to run the Tilt-A-Whirl and expecting them not to use the big red button. Equally retarded.
>Guess what, /tv/ is showing that Pop Culture is to the brain like what the appendix is to the body... no real function and the site could quite possibly blow up and kill you.
>But that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.

George Carlin:

>You ever notice on 4chan, anyone who knows more than you is a loser, and everyone who knows less than you is a newfag?
>And everything... EVERYTHING on 4chan is divided up into little convenient categories... we got the random board, the anime, the hot girls, gay girls, trap girls, young girls, old girls, fun girls, fat girls, boy girls and gay boys! And if you don't like this imageboard you can just *POP* make one yourself just like that! And we wonder why kids aren't studying as much as they used to anymore? When I was a kid the only board WE had was the blackboard... It was a good board, because anytime you didn't want to see the porn or bad language on it, you just *WOOSH* erased your history!
>And on the internet, everything is made using metaphoric language, you ever noticed that? Think about it? Download? Why down? Why load? Are we comparing hard drives to loading docks now? I know a couple dockworkers who would be PRETTY embarassed by some of the language if they went on 4chan!
>But then when you put something from your hard drive onto the internet, that's an UPload... Why? Why not left-load? Or right-load? "HEY, TONY, HAVE YOU BEEN LEFT-LOADING MUSIC ILLEGALLY AGAIN?" "NO, MAH, I SWEAR, I WAS JUST RIGHT-LOADING A TORRENT!"

Steven Wright:

>I started posting on imageboards compulsively. It was addictive but now I'm in a program. Anonymous Anonymous.

>>83304201
I completely agree. Never liked Colbert much but as far as i knew and what i saw, he just talked about random shit on his old show, like whatever was popular at the time or whatever he wanted. Now on his new show it's literally just trump 24/7, i mean holy fuck dude get some new content and material. I don't even like trump, he is an idiot but it's just ridiculous how much shit they give him for no reason most of the time. I really don't think bush got this much shit when he was president. He was made fun of a lot but never this bad.

Billy Burr

>HEY so ahhh, this whole internet thing has got me really stressed out. I go on the internet, and there's these FUCKIN'... I don't even know how to describe 'em. They call each other NECKBEARDS, ha ha, that's how fuckin' pathetic these people are.
>But they fuckin stress me out man, cos when I'm like, tryin' to talk about some shit, you know in like a forum or whatever, these CUNTS, these fuckin ANIMALS are THERE, TYPIN AWAY, OH it's brutal.
>I can take abuse, y'know, I mean look at me. Look at my red, ginger fuckin face and tell me I can't take some shit. But when RETARDS, FUCKIN... ARRGH! Some stupid CUNT is just like, he's sayin' "implying you're not a newfag," THAT'S WHAT HE SAID TO ME! IS THAT EVEN ENGLISH? And this fuckin NERD even made his, all his text go green like he's some fuckin computer hacker! I was scared he was gonna hack ME! and MY SHIT!
>All I wanted to do was talk about my Netflix shit on the internet. KEK! THAT'S IT, That's what they called me, fuckin' KEK! THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?

Anthony Jeselnik:

>I was minding my own business, browsing /lit/, when all of a sudden my girlfriend comes in crying. She told me she had found my /b/ folder, and it was full of child pornography.
>I was like "Baby, trust me, and I believe me when I say this, that must be some kind of mistake. I don't know HOW child pornography got into my /b/ folder." And I was telling the truth.
>I mean, everybody knows that goes in my /s/ folder.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hY8_7LWDx0w

also

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xE44u3bhm9k

Jim Jeffries:

>So I hear that this 4chan place is a good place for porn, right? I'm going through each board, wandering what the FUCK I'm doing here before I find the movie board. Now I fucking love movies. Who doesn't fucking love movies? So I start reading for a bit and see a thread about some bird called Chloe. I read the thread expecting something hot, but it was all just pictures of her fucking feet. The fuck do I wanna see her feet for?
>WHEN I WAS A CHILD I USED TO MASTURBATE OVER MY MOTHERS UNDERWEAR CATALOGUES! I WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING FOR THE INTERNET! AND THESE SICK CUNTS WASTE THEIR TIMES MASTURBATING OVER GIRLS FEET? HER FUCKING FEET? THERE ISN'T A LOT YOU CAN DO WITH A GIRLS FEET YA SICK CUNTS! AND THEY WONDER WHY THEY CAN'T GET A BIRD WHEN ALL THEY DO IS MASTURBATE OVER PICTURES OF LITTLE GIRL FEET?
>I tell you what though, I ended up having a wank over those feet myself though and I'm telling ya, it wasn't bad.

>>83304483

impressive

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>DID I SAY I AM LESBIAN YET

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>>83301219

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>guido wop retard autistic trans. my trans diaper baby has autism.
>*5 minutes of simpsons impressions*

>>83301065
>*flashback to entire life story*

where allen happens to be fucking some hot as hell 16 year old while he is 40+ and looks like a nazi caricature of a jew

>>83305047
>"Marge, did you know jews are using cultural marxism to turn Bart gay?"
>"Homer, why are you paying so much money for the Anthony Cumia network?"

>>83304640
>Jeselnik

I refuse to learn his last shitty name. I learned "Galifinakis"... that's the last shitty last name this nigga is going to learn in this fucking funky town

>>83304583
moron, his old schtick was exactly the same but with bush.

>>83304585
should have used big guy instead of newfag. 7.5/10 though, good effort.

>>83305102
>NIGGA WHAT THE FUCK IS COMPOUND MEDIA? JUST STOP WITH THE FUCKIN'... HORSESHIT. YOU GUYS WERE VERY SUCCESSFUL TOGETHER, WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO BE SONNY WITHOUT CHER NIGGA.

>You're not vanguards, motherfuckers, you're a fuckin' duo! It's called brand! It's call identifiability, motherfucker, what you doing! Stop trying to be revolutionary "oh, I'm gonna do a podcast in my basement, hoodily doodily!" Get back together and shove some wiffle ball bats up teenager's assholes, you fuckin' finished old men, do some ol' crazy shit! Or else you're done! THAT'S WHY WE LOVE YOU TWO PIECES OF SHIT!

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>so I grew up jewish
>but super poor
>guess we didnt get the memo about being good with cash
>fuck white people though
>have you seen how they just appropriate culture left and right
>its so bad so gross
>fuck trump too right
>do any of you know that I used to fuck fat chicks?
>yeah I had a thing for it
>can you imagine a guy as handsome as me fucking only porkers?

>>83304381
Not even close to his style

>>83304441
New pasta

Thanks

>>83305047
>*interrupting Adam*
>what if- what if instead of the Dead Kennedys, it was the Men Bedded-dys. you know, holiday in a man's body-a? something like that
>hell yeah bitch

>>83305336
It's exactly his style.

>>83305336
It sounds exactly like him, stupid.

Nick DiPaolo:

>So I go to this site 4chan, someone told me it's supposed to be the most traditional place on the internet, like old school right wing. If it's so right-wing why does everyone who posts here seem to be a bisexual mentally-ill unemployed welfare recipient who weighs over 400 pounds and in the middle of a gender transition?

>I mean, Jesus Christ, I expected some kind of Leave It To Beaver 1950s mentality, these guys are like "Oh, finally, a .GIF of a girl with a penis OVER 6 inches!"

>see OP image in it's smaller size on the main thread
>think "Why is Neil DeGrasse Tyson being discussed in a comedians thread?"
>load full size picture
>ah, George Lopez, Tyson's Mexican brother
>now it all makes sense

>>83302165
isn't he half ah onkey?

>>83302313
they're too short

Still waiting for someone to follow up the OP with something good

>>83306874
OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH BBBBBBBUUUUUUURRRRRNNNNNN

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>*laughs at own joke*
>*refers to notes in middle of joke*
>*runs out of breath*

>>83304544
good line actually

>>83303574
>literally sermons

>>83303731
just imagine how good he's going to be when he gets divorced

>>83302386
kek

>>83303245
Cry about it bitch boy
Don't even like Dunham

>>83304483
are you a ghost??

>>83301873
I fucking hate this guys voices

>>83304381
Kek I thought the same
Tyson Might as well be a comedian though

>>83303245
Muslim isn't a race. Now back to plebbit.

>>83303574
Quite the opposite, Carlin innovated stand up

>>83301739
Everyone looks down on them.