I'm doing a set at an open mic night this wednesday night

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fixed semantics for fluidity

>>82284428
>soda
>gallons
It's shit
Just start acting out the plane scene instead

>>82284428

The only thing flatter than that soda is your jokes.

>>82284428
There's no way this could be a real joke.
Just do what all shitty comics are doing now and tell some dumb story from your life.

>>82284428
good lord
kek make sure you record it anon

>>82284497
Brevity my nigga.
"My ex-girlfriend was like a liter of coke in a Mormon parish house: brown and flat."
Not the best joke but it's yours in two lines.

>>82284529
listen to this guy

>>82284428
whichever of your friends told you that you were funny were lying because they felt like it was the only thing that would both satisfy you and get you to fuck off

>>82284428
What the fuck, is this your average open mic night nowadays?

throw in some n words for shock value

>>82284865
>>82284840
>>82284758
>>82284649
>>82284529
ok but what if i just stared at everyone for 30 seconds before i told it

>>82284428
Verbose jokes like this only work if the punchline is great.

This should only be two fucking lines, at max.
Brevity is your friend.

>>82284428
>i told my wife for vacation this year im gonna take her somewhere shes never been
>the kitchen
*ba dum* *tsssh*

>>82284967
I take my wife everywhere but she finds her way home.

>>82284497
>7 lines for a weak word-play punchline
You're not far from some kind of a self aware anti-joke here.

>>82284950
Then you'd be ripping off Kaufman.
It'd probably get a better reaction though.

>>82285036
How can you rip off silence

>>82284967
>"My girl calls me, says 'Come over, nobody's home'"
>"I come over, nobody's home!"

>>82285076
by being as fucking terrible as OP. how this stupid cunt even got the idea to do an open mic is beyond me

Bruh

>Okay, let me do my 'beating a woman' routine

guaranteed laughs

>>82285085

I get no respect I tell ya no respect

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yeah what a fag haha...

>>82284950
>this joke is too long
>i know, i'll take even longer telling it

>>82284950
That might work actually, it would probably get a chuckle out of me

>>82284428
jesus christ, it's like a robot tried to write a stand up routine

>>82285199
i planned on doing a longer joke by finishing my set with the stage clear so the audience can imagine themselves up there

>>82284497
>>82284428
I get what you're going for here, but the setup is to bizarre. Most of your audience is just going to wonder why you were using gallons, or what kind of science class would have you do something so stupid.

>>82284428
hehe heeeya any you guys ever fuck a broad aint got no tiddies?? haa i did and boy let me tell ya. heh. not too good. milke jugs heh more like soda pops been shook up heh totally flat AAAEEEEYYYY

Just do what most upstart comedians these days do and steal/modify some humorous copypasta.

>"YOU GUYS INTO SPORTS?! Yeah so this time in gym class we're playing soccer and at one point the ball is up in the air and I think I can make an air kick only I end up kicking the poor goalie in the face and in my brain I frantically decide between asking him if he's okay and tell him I'm fucking sorry but, instead it comes out my mouth as "ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY?""
>normie audience howling with laughter clapping
>"Thank you thank you. This is a routine I'd like to call.. the plane scene. ahem. ... 'Dr. Pavel, I'm C.I.A.'.."

>>82284428
I tried doing stand up once, but everyone laughed at me

It's not bad.

The best comics were all about delivery.

Read OP's text in say Murphy's or Kinnison and there are laughs.

>>82285111
Have you been to an open mic?

99% of the people are unfunny.

The 1% go onto become comedians able to make a living off their comedy.

>>82284428
After you're met with defeaning silence just wait 10 seconds and say "OK so I saw this NIGGER"

>>82285352
actually been to shit loads in my city over the years. most people aren't that bad, it's actually semi-impessive some of the jokes and stuff they come out with. this guy is pure, unadulterated, unfunny CANCER

>>82285213

Let's see yours mr. critic.

Three types of people in this world- creators, consumers and critics.

Art and comedy by extension is about delivery.

I'm 100% not a funny person but here's my attempt to make your joke more fluid.

>This may come as a surprise ladies and gentlemen, but I did pretty well in science class back in the day. Oh yes. In middle school I was the teacher's pet. Good old Mrs.Schulz wasn't much of a looker but had quite the rack, so when I wasn't staring I did all that measuring and beaker shit, and when she says go home and observe these two liter bottles of soda outside over the course of day and tell me what you find. I did it. This was also coincidentally the hottest spring on record, and the fine ladies of Ridgemont Middle were just discovering the titillating properties of the bikini. I know, I know, I know, no need to dial 911, they were the same age as me! Needless to say my focus was broken. Two hours in the bushes looking at Mindy Howitz, I had totally blown that science shit off. I didn't even remember the "experiment"( our lofty-ass middle school jargon for watching paint dry) until I showed up for class the next day. She passed that little quiz sheet around and I fucking shat my pants as I read the one and only question. "What did you observe?" But you know what?! I got that fucking A. I am a fucking nerd after all. My buddy Jay flubbed the whole thing, of course, y'know, the other kid jerking off in the bushes with me all day, steals my paper and reads it aloud. "The jugs were flat."

>>82285413
>pause for applause

>>82285379
This could work

>>82285460
Thank you.Thank you.

I'll be here all week.

>Grabbed flat jugs
If you could grab them, they weren't that flat after all, were they? Also: the joke sucks.

>>82285628
if i pretended myself as innocent enough despite this joke not being innocent itself i could make it a side joke that i wouldnt know because i've never held a pair of breasts before (i havent) will people understand that quick enough

Please film this op

>>82285406
I was at this movie the other day, dumbest movie I ever saw. Didn't even look real, you know what I mean? They used to make movies and they looked real but now they look fake as SHIT.
So I'm watching this movie and this, guy, he's just talking and taking though the whole damn thing. And half an hour in I'm fed up.
I turn around and I tell him, really tell him off, and his lady starts yapping at me, telling me "You can't say that to him, my son's got retard's disease" or something.
And I'm like, Lady, if some 60 year old cock didn't burst in your 40 year old cooch, maybe your kid wouldn't be so fucked up!
I just had to leave the movie after that.

>>82285413
This lands the punchline better but I think still buys too little humor with too much airtime.

Also, if OP used it he'd be saying that literally any random person on the internet can write and tell his own joke better than he can, and I'm not sure anyone could survive feeling that low.

>>82285413
I like it

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ok since someone said i was ripping off kaufman i kaufmanized the joke more by repeating a phrase and this is also the intro to my next gag where im gonna make old people put money in the hat (also will they actually do this if im confident enough?)

>>82285406
>ask for criticism
>get it
>FUCK YOU!

>>82286190
op here wasnt me ive been agreeing with most folks itt

>>82286066
autism

pure autism

>>82286228
am i out of bounds or something

>>82286066
Ask people to take out their wallets and show how much cash they have on hand, then ask for all of it.
If they don't take out their money/give it to you, call them a fascist.

>>82286066
what the fuck

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my emergency plan in case no one likes any of it

>>82286066
>fun in games
(you) almost got me.

So I went to the dentist the other day. (oh you guys go too? cool)

So the dentist is rooting around in my mouth, and instead of saying the usual "so anon how much do you floss" or "hey you haven't been flossing much huh" she heaves this big dramatic sigh. She looks me in the eyes and says, "anon, at what point did you just...give up?"

And I'm taken aback for a second. It's like my dentist has really boiled down, to its very essence, just how big of a piece of shit I've become since my last visit. I think about it for a while, and I finally look back into her eyes and sayAUUGHGHGHUUHAHAHUGHUGHHG[\spoiler]

>>82285352
If you live in New York or Los Angeles that's understandable.

Virtually every other city in the world where a high portion of people haven't moved to in an attempt to make it it is painful to watch. The silence and the occasional pity clap is just excruciating. I hate second hand embarrassment and if I were at home I would've stood up and started pacing around.

>>82286375
I like it. Keep the audience on their feet.

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>>82286375
semantics update again

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itkg_fYcneg

take notes OP

>>82286375
This is great, make sure you keep flipping the coin once you reach zero.

>>82286439
the pinnacle of comedy

>>82286511
or i could just go "a promise is a promise" and then go right back to other material

>>82286438
Remove "just like when we were kids" and "let's hope you memorized your time tables"
Hope you have the right atmosphere going, then it MIGHT be funny.

>>82286439
Norm is a god.

>>82284428
It would get you some upvotes on reddit, but is too long winded. The punchline is pretty mediocre after waaay too much backstory for a joke. Its just a long depressing pun basically

>What do women have in common with soda? We both hate them when they're flat. But seriously folks the Cheeto in Chief in Washington is literally a fascist. *applause break*

>>82284428
you're fucking ded kiddo

>>82284428
Hi, Tim Heidecker

>What's the worst part about grabbing a hold of a pair of jugs? When they are full of flat soda!

>>82284758
Not bad,even with a garbage premise to work with.
>>82284428
Don't do ex-girlfriend jokes,every dude at open mic nights does that.
>>82284865
yes.yes.YES!
See the same guy MONTHS apart, same sad "me and my girlfriend just broke up..."
nobody beyond open mic level does that,crap does not float in the comedy world.