>sitting in movie theater >hear "TSSSST CRACK"

>>81968680
release the hawk

Pull out my m416

Shove a crab leg up his ass in the shower room.

Blow the mandatory contraband whistle obviously. You can't get in without it at my theater. Then they release the dogs

i pull out my concealed firearm and stab him

>>81968703
why did this reddit post make me laugh so hard

>>81968680

The plain clothed cinema marshal normally get them.

>>81968680
press the red emergency button under the armrest of my seat and quickly leave the room before they release the gas.

ask for a sip

>>81968680
I regularly sneak in 6-packs and get smashed and knock over the bottles when leaving. MY GF hates it.

I'm not sure. This has never happened to me since my cinema does full body pat-downs now.

File: 1491980819778.png (159KB, 872x632px) Image search: [Google]

159KB, 872x632px

>>81968680
>hear man screaming as he gets dragged out by security for violating the no singles policy
>tfw I'm also in violation but they didn't notice me
I'm banned from over 10 theaters

>>81968680
use the distraction to open my bag of individually wrapped toffees

>>81968680
I drink it because the one who smuggled in that forbidden can was in fact me!
Been doing this for 20 years now. I'm not paying absurd kinoplex prices for drinks. I also bring my own snacks.

dust of my Concession Stand Defense Force badge and promptly haul his ass out of the theater

>>81968740
I haven't kek'd that hard in a long time

>>81968680
>light a flare from my standard issue cinemaplex survival kit
>signal the nearest kinoguard tower by waving it around
assuming all goes well, that motherfucker will have a spotlight on him and guards rappeling from every tower to arrest his sorry ass for a life sentence in the popcorn mines

>>81968680
Reverse time ten seconds and covertly synchronize the opening of my soda can with theirs. They get taken to the theater prison and I get to enjoy a cheeky beverage.

send my falcon to investigate

take this criminal scum

>>81968680
I pause the movie with my remote and notify the designated shooter

whip out my own can of soda that i hid up my ass

that was me watching trainspotting 2. two beers to get in the mood of the movie

>>81968680
>I heard that we AAAALLL heard that

File: b1.jpg (21KB, 500x273px) Image search: [Google]

21KB, 500x273px

>>81968680
this'll teach him

>>81968680
WAIT
WHAT IF IT WAS A MONSTER?

>>81968823
>get smashed on a 6 pack

Hola Reddit!

I stay quiet, because if someone notices I don't have a partner I'm going to be kicked out thanks to the no singles policy.

>>81968703
It's Falcon you faggot

>>81968757
The image of a bird of prey being released in a darkned movie theatre to hunt out a soda fag

Nothing unless he also pull out bags of sweets and the bags make a fuck ton of noise in which case I complain.

>>81968680
>His theater doesn't sell cans
weak

>>81968680
This is the exact reason I only sneak in cartons of milk.

>>81968727
With no butter!

>>81969015
He's probably a 120 pound manlet

>>81969015
??
Its a 6x500ml pack of vodka green (sometimes I go mango)

>>81969000
Chekt

Is TS2 good?

Send the criminal to the popcorn mines

A small watered down soda, ( i can not express that enough it tastes like seltzer water) is $5 at my theater. Why would i ever waste money like that when i can just go buy a 12 pack and sneak them in at the same price.

See if they have extra, then share my snuck-in burgers and fruit.

go and tell jamal about it, he surely known how to deal with this kind of shit.

>>81969062

bro I'm not some kind of animal.

File: Untitled1.jpg (26KB, 223x303px) Image search: [Google]

26KB, 223x303px

laugh to myself at the smart ma fucka

>tfw I bring in my contraband can of coke
>wait for the film to start
>wait for a quiet moment some time in
>TSSSSS

it's the only adrenaline rush I get

File: Pepe-the-Frog.jpg (22KB, 640x360px) Image search: [Google]

22KB, 640x360px

>go to theatre in America whilst on holiday
>there's no shoe-shine boy at the entrance

Is this normal in America or did I just go to an especially shit theatre? I spent a good 10 minutes waiting outside because I was too hesitant to enter without adequately shined shoes.

File: sadfrog11.jpg (20KB, 241x228px) Image search: [Google]

20KB, 241x228px

>go with friends to watch Cloverfield after school and after buying food from the grocery store on the way and putting it in our backpacks
>tfw movie suddenly goes silent when I decide to pop open my can of squirt and it's the only sound in the auditorium

>>81968680
Unlikely. My local cinemaplex serves free soda cans from the Administrator's private reserve.

>>81968680

Nothing because bringing your own food and drink in is allowed in cinemas in the U.K.

File: 1491272019929.jpg (112KB, 301x419px) Image search: [Google]

112KB, 301x419px

> take out my mini-quad copter with OWL nightvision fpv camera
>attach lipo battery wait for all four esc circuits to give a tone as they start up
>turn on radio controller wait for beeps as it binds to the quad
>no beeps need to select diffrent model at the very bottom of the menu, each item scrolled passed makes another beep, bind tone
>take out fatshark fpv goggles, attach batter, attach face
>launch drone and begin searching for my target
>TARGET ACUIRED
>spot the cunt by the gleam of the fat fucks diet coke can
>start humming the ride of the Valkyries badly
>start diving my flying four bladed blender straight at the monsters greasy hair
>get dragged out of the seat by cinema staff
>the drone crashes into some kid and he loses an ear
>im banned from the cinema for life
>charged with causing grievous bodily to a minor
>getting sentenced to 15 years in the slammer by the judge
>"TSSSST CRACK"

>>81969217
>Watching movie
>Employee walks in and says "Just to let everyone know, the shoe shine boy is clocking out around 10."
>A good half of the theater promptly get up and leave for sometime
This is the worst gimmick

>go to see a movie
>sneaks in Snapple ice tea
>give the guy my ticket and he tells me where my theater is
>starts to walk to theater
>Snapple falls out of my jacket pocket
>guys at confession stand just look at me
>slowly pick up bottle and put it back in pocket
>continue walking to theater
It was a glass bottle too. No idea how it didn't shatter.

>>81969217
when you hit the showers at my theater there's a conveyor belt for your shoes that goes into some back room. Shoes come out shined and everything's good.

>>81968680
What's your guys theater schtick? Your go to move to ensure everyone has a responsible, safe, enjoyable time? I'll post a few of my own
>pay with exact change
>crisp 10 dollar bill

>ask permission to sit in front of someone
>inform them of my height and recent haircut

>let everyone know the movie is about to begin when it's about to begin

>someone coughs
>shush them

>offer sips of my legally purchased cinema beverage to those less fortunate than me

>if its a movie I've seen before inform everyone that "this part is funny" (or appropriate adjective)

>start the clap at the end (best to do this during the final scene NOT the credits as to get the thunderous roar going when they begin)

>shake hand of the cashier and let them know I enjoyed the movie on the way out

>>81968680
>going to the movie theatre jew to give money to the hollywood jew so you can be entertained by the film jew.

>>81969380
My shoes were stolen the last time I put them on the conveyor belt. Came back from the theater gym and they were just gone.

>>81969384
>if it's a move I've seen before inform everyone that "this part is funny"
Please don't do this. One of my friend always does this and it ends up making the part a lot less funny because I'm expecting it. A funny part is always funnier if you don't see it coming.

>>81969456
>9/11/01 + 16
>not converting to Judaism and demanding the filthy goyim pay you respect and reparations for 10 trillion

Show who is the boss and release a big Brap so he leaves

>>81968680

You know there's soda machines over by the arcade, right?

Anyone else hate theater bars and restaurants?
>Assigned seating
>You have to order overpriced, mediocre food, and drink
>Waiters and waitresses darting through the seats at all times
I JUST WANT TO WATCH THE FUCKING MOVIE

>>81968680
>not waiting until a loud noise in a trailer/movie to crack one open

fucking amateurs.

>implying it's soda

that was a fatty high grav tall boy. I got some more in my jacket if you want some, OP

Panic because this means the x-ray machines were not working properly and anyone in the audience is potentially hiding an automatic.

>>81969696
ours don't serve you during the movie, unless said movie has intermission

File: Wishbone_and_his_band_of_merry_doggies.gif (980KB, 422x324px) Image search: [Google]

980KB, 422x324px

put my headphones in to my iPad(tm)7(tm) and turn up the volume of Netflix while I watch Game of Thrones.

>>81968842
>here a soft bang over the movie's ambience a minute later in the distance

Did anyone else's theatré start putting bottles of baby powder out in the cup holder? I was intimidated when I saw it because I didn't know what to do so I just left without seeing Fast and Furious and everyone started laughing at me

>>81968680

Start screaming and rocking backwards and forwards in my chair until the manager comes and has me dragged out by the cops.

>>81969954
The baby powder is only for the designated shooters if they happen to have sweaty hands, so you had a glock waiting for you below the seat.

Missed a chance.

>>81968680
>What do you do?

Unzip my dick and refresh my own drink.

>>81969696
>want to watch new movie with group of friends
>assigned seating
>none of them open to sit together

JUST

File: American theater.jpg (68KB, 620x413px) Image search: [Google]

68KB, 620x413px

>>81968680

Ask myself why I'm in a non-American theater.

>>81969954
That's not baby powder you idiot, it's chalk so you can use the theater high bars.

File: It was the moops.jpg (16KB, 500x373px) Image search: [Google]

16KB, 500x373px

>>81968726
>Pull ut my m416
>implying you own one

>>81969384
I'm crying.
Kek

Fling my contraband used condoms into the audience like water balloons.

Contact the theater's CIC over a scrambled channel then cover my ears as they launch alert Vipers.

I sneak over and take their soda.

>>81969119
You don't have to individually insert 12 cans of soda up your anus and shit them out in the theater if you buy them from the concession stand. Unless Soft Alan is serving and you're out of cash, anyway.

>>81970136
>hating on assigned seating

Degenerate american detected.
Why do you enjoy wasting your time by getting early for better seats (and never getting the better seats) when you can reserve your perfect seats at home in a few clicks for free, arrice at the cinema literally a minute before it starts and smoothly sit in your perfectly placed seat without any worry of anyone sitting before you?

File: never.jpg (26KB, 564x452px) Image search: [Google]

26KB, 564x452px

>only open seats are in the white women and bulls-only section
>no matter how much I ask them to let me sit there they refuse because I'm a white man

Is this what my anvil tax is going towards?

>>81969384
I hope you wash your hands with alcohol wipes before the handshake, I've heard of people being charged with terrorism for failing to do that. Wasn't even a poop stain, just slightly sweaty.

>>81970785
just tell them you're a woman, they won't notice the difference

>>81970785
>he pays anvil tax

>>81969380
don't you know where those """shoes""" come from anon.....

My theater implemented a new "no bathing suits" policy for their showers. What should I do? I have a micropenis and don't want to be laughed at.

>>81970966
Are you saying they're pod shoes? Do tell us more Anon, we don't get many stories from whatever those grey monstrosities they call theater staff are.

Alert the theater gestapo and hide my reeses pieces up my ass

File: IMG_8347.jpg (53KB, 574x612px) Image search: [Google]

53KB, 574x612px

Security has them removed and put into Cinema jail

>>81968680
"Teacha' Teacha'! Anon brought in a soda from outside!!"

Receive chicken tendies for being a good goy.

yell really loud to let the attendant know that someone has snuck an illegal beverage into the theatre

>>81969004
That's a good way to sneak my soda into the cinema
Thanks anon

>Note contraband soda drinkers row and seat
>Fill out theatre soda and snack tax avoidance forms in triplicate
>Call tip off line
>Spend three hours on hold
>Issue official complaint with operator
>Spend two more hours on hold
>Get unique codes for forms
>submit forms
After a 12 month trial the criminal is fined the cost of the soda and banned for 2 years.
Have you done your civic duty recently?

>>81968680
Open mine and have a toast with the guy over some contraband peanuts.

Start screaming DRINK SNEAKER ALERT DRINK SNEAKER ALERT while swinging my arms

ask if I can have one

if not, watch the movie

>>81971150
This roughly translates to
>Faggot will be drinking soda on street from now

>>81971016
Ah, we have that here as well. Here's what you wanna do: Get to the showers really late. Like, at the last second. Jump in there just as the door is about to slam shut. The gas will do it's job quick enough, so the humiliation will only last a few moments.

>>81968680
I always sneak a 12 pack in my gf's purse. The key is to open during explosions or other spikes in volume. I bring a bag to trash them afterwards because i'm not a literfag

>bring 6 pack to cinema
>drink 4 then need to piss
>don't want to miss anything
>move to the back and piss in the bottle

Anyone else ever do this? I swear some people noticed but I played it cool

>>81968680
*sigh*

*looks up*

Is this what you want from me? Fine...

*teleports onto the seat behind him in a burst of flames*

I didn't know they sold cans at the concession stand (in a smug, sarcastic voice)

>yeah? who are you to judge? I know you're a single virgin with your 70s leather jacket and that stupid RIP tattoo

I'm not the one who makes the judgement, kid...

*grabs his head and explodes it into flames*

Clean up in row 15...

>>81971877
sit down asshole I'm trying to watch the kino

>>81969384
nice lol

>theater doggy daycare is full so they tell me to take my puppy home
>suddenly someone's falcon scoops up a toy poodle
>bring my dog back and go watch my film

>>81971454
kek

>>81971877
*chews popcorn loudly in the row behind*
>WOW TONY THIS 3D IS OFF THE HOOK HOMIE!

>>81969107
nigger you know everyone is going to assume beer. But a six pack is fine for enjoying a movie, more than that and I keep going then forget the movie.

>>81971016
Just say you're a girl and shower with them, that's what the bulls do.

>>81971604

I just piss on the floor.
The wagies will have to deal with it.

File: 1464711064643.jpg (236KB, 633x758px) Image search: [Google]

236KB, 633x758px

>>81972019
Stop it. It isn't funny I don't get paid enough for this shit. FUCKING STOP PLEASE.

>>81970287
This, would be jelly otherwise.

>>81972102
Not that anon but last time I went to my movie theater I literally smeared shit all over the walls of one of the bathroom stalls. Keked super hard imagining the poor wagecuck that had to clean it up later.

File: E9bwDOe.jpg (227KB, 2048x1536px) Image search: [Google]

227KB, 2048x1536px

>>81972102
Clean it wagie. You don't want to keep Me. Shekelstein waiting

>>81972168
Sometimes I'll piss all over the toilet paper and laugh imagining someone wiping their ass with my piss stained paper or some wagie having to touch it.

>>81968680
Notify the theater staff and offer to help them perform a thorough search of the other patrons

>>81972358
>>81972270
>>81972168
What the fuck is your problem? Do I come to your job and shit all over the place?

>>81972424
You can come to my job and shit all over the place. The Mexican wagecuck we pay $3/hr will be cleaning it, not me.

>>81968852
Do you want to get drafted in the next theater war or something?!

File: 1478245372177_20170124_150536.jpg (82KB, 496x495px) Image search: [Google]

82KB, 496x495px

>>81968973
>>81968946
>>81968929
>>81969867
>>81968703
>>81968727
>>81968740
Losing it hard

>>81969217
Just don't step near the theater lake, your shoes might get worse

File: 1486044967006.jpg (164KB, 551x491px) Image search: [Google]

164KB, 551x491px

Fucking kill me lads
>in theater
>reach under seat
>find glock
>it finally fucking happened
>I get to be the designated shooter
>shaking and nervous as fuck I aim it into the row infont of me
>miss completely
>blinded by muzzle flash and cant hear shit anymore
>accidently eject the mag
>trip and fall down the stairs
>whole theater laughing at me
>drop the gun and akwardly stumble and run off
My one chance and I fucked it up

I always bring my own beer to the movies. The teenagers working don't give a shit.

>>81970785
>he doesn't have a weekly cinema disguise to confuse the penis inspection detectors and bypass the Singles ID usher

>>81971016
Just bathe in the theater latrines or the lake

>>81972168
>>81972019
HAHAHA FUNNY JOKE until you realize shit like this actually happens to us..

>>81972915
No I realize it happens to you wagies which is what makes it so fucking funny while I'm shitting on the toilet seat.

File: 1490906458396.gif (470KB, 200x200px) Image search: [Google]

470KB, 200x200px

>go into the Kinoplex
>forgot my trenchcoat and tear gas
>black usher laughs at my Glock 42
>"This niggah ain't got an extended clip or nuttin!"
>see cute cashier laugh
>buy a small popcorn and soda for 352.23$ plus 50% tip
>forced to through away Glocks in the designated recycling bin outside of the theater
>mfw i had to watch the entirety of Adam Sandler's greatest hits in the singles area