>You know the difference with me, Ray? Most people feel the

>>81278714
So, what, the rain turns him on?

>"You know how they say 'its not the size of the boat, but the motion in the ocean'? Well guess what, Rey? My dick is huge"

>Ray, I hope you're paying attention, because this case is compounding interest like my last bank deposit.

>>81278714
>Ray, this whole time Ive been standing still while the world spins 'round. Tonight? I'm gonna do the spinnin' and the world is gonna have to wait.

>It's a dog eat dog world, Ray, and I'm the fucking Chinaman

>they say you shouldn't count your eggs before they hatch, Ray
>but I've been barebacking your ex-wife for a year and she just called with some bad news

>>81278714
>goddamn russian like

...wow pizzalatte...just wow

>>81278714
>i once told a woman I was lost in her eyes. That was a lie, Ray. I've never been lost. Never even owned a fuckin map.

>Never do anything while you're hungry. Not even eat.

>>81280871
Cheater.

>Some people think the glass is half-full and some people think the glass is half-empty. What they don't know, is either way you gotta wash it and I'm all out of soap.

>"Punks like you are a dime a dozen but me? I'm a roll of nickels and nothing is gonna change that."

>"There's three types of people in this world Ray, people that can do the math, and people that can't."
>*holds up one finger

What did he mean by this?

>They you can't bake a cake without cracking some eggs, but I just killed the damn chicken

>>81281022
lmao jesus that was too perfect

>Always hated that turn of phrase, Ray, to be scared of your own shadow. Where I walk, the sun follows me at the fucking zenith.

>they say a stopped clock is right twice a day. What they don't tell you is idle hands are the devils playground and you're all outta time.

>They always say the grass is greener on the other side. Well guess what Ray, I'm color-blind.

>Ray, you don't have to tell me twice. But back in the stone age...

>you ever been to Rome, Ray? Heh. No? They say when in Rome do as the romans do. Thing is, I'm on /tv/ and i don't see any patricians around

>>81278714
There are people who unironically thought this was good. lmao.

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>>81281409

>"You give me one bullet and I kill two people Ray. But what you don't know Ray, is that one bullet is actually two if the mind believes it"

>You didn't just take the high road, Ray, you claimed it, made it yours. And now you're a deer in the headlights with nothing in your pockets.

>a frog in a pot will sit there and cook to death if you turn the heat up slow, Ray. But will jump if you turn the heat. I'm like that frog, Ray. Thing is, a watched pot never boils so how are you gonna know how slow to turn the heat up? It doesn't matter, Ray. Nothing you do matters because I've got a snorkel and a bucket of ice.

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>>81281701
this is meta

>my grandfather used to tell me only a life lived for others is a life worth living. I've been doing that all my life, and you know what I've realized? Everyone is fucking dead.

>You win some and you loose some. Just make sure the next card you draw doesn't bring this house tumbling down.

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>>81281022

>I heard somewhere else that mirrors can't be real if our eyes aren't real. Thing is, Ray. Real eyes realize real lies and I'm a goddamn blind man.

>they say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Unfortunate for me, I'm Johnny Appleseed and it's cider season.

>Fuckin Caspere

>>81278714
>They say that all the world's a stage, Ray. And all the men and women merely players. The problem is we all want to be the prima donna of the opera, but most of us just end up as the flat, boring characters of the mediocre second season of a television show.

n v m
v
m

>>81278714

> I never lose my keys. I don't even have a fuckin' key chain.

>>81281949

kek

>It's Thanksgiving dinner Ray, and the whole family is here. And I'm stuck at the fucking kids table. Casper knew this

>>81278714
>You know the old adage "When the goin' gets tough, the tough get goin'? Well I'm tough as nails, Ray, and I'm not goin' anywhere!

>The world doesn't revolve around you Ray, that's why I'm here.

>They told me to get off my high horse, Ray, but I rode in on a fuckin' donkey, just to make an ass of myself.

>>81281504
Heavy shieeeet

Ray. I love you.

>they say one is the loneliest number you could ever do, Ray. But 2? It can be as bad as one because it's the loneliest number after number 1.

>Time is a flat circle. Caspere knew this.

>they say if you lay down with dogs you'll wake up scratching. Thing is ray, I'm the dog catcher and I'm up to my ass in poison ivy.

>You know what the problem is, Ray? Everyone wants the quick buck. I'm playing the game, Ray. I'm collecting slow nickels.

>You ever hear that joke about the kid who threw his clock out the window to see time fly? Kid's a fucking chump. Time doesn't fly, never has, never will. It runs; and your time just ran out.

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>you know what Ray? they say you give a man a fish, you feed him for the day. you teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime. but you know what Ray? ain't nobody ever taught me nothing. they just fed me some bait and left me hungry. now here we are. all this time later. and you know what I'm teaching people? how to bite down hard. this entire lifetime and I'm still hungry. so of course I cant let anyone see me do anything because of it. jeeez, you know what? when's the last time you had fresh seafood? come on. I know this great little place that serves the best siete mares and ceviche tostadas you've ever had. get us a few michelada's. maybe a couple shrimp fajitas. fuck I want some seafood. come on. grab your jacket it's on me.

>>81282662
this is a good one

>Open your eyes, Ray. They don't call this place Leonardo DaVinci for nothin'.

>>81278714
>Y'know Ray, they say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
>Well life has given me nothing but fucking limes, so I may as well make a gin and tonic.

>They say let sleeping dogs lie Ray, but if I let mutts like these lie in their sleep, what kind of fictions are they gonna' tell when they wake up?

>>81278714

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, that just means the lumberjack is deaf. A deaf lumberjack is a liability, Ray. And I can't handle any liabilities right now. So tell me, did you hear the tree fall or not?

>>81282932
Thanks. Probably could have improved it with:

>Know what the problem is, Ray? Everyone wants the quick buck. Caspere and I knew better: we collected slow nickels.

The second season honestly fucked up my opinion about the first. I realized that most of the semi-thought provoking writing was really just pizzaman being a pseudointellectual and that the only reason season one was good was Cary's directing

>You ever hear about the chicken that crossed the road, Ray? Well it didn't because I'm the road and nobody crosses me.

>>81283016
fuck. that's gotta be lifted from somewhere you witty faggot. good one.
>>81282831
>>81282303
>>81282224
good ones.
>>81282197
fuck you
>>81281949
>>81281743
>>81281574
>>81281286
>>81281210
>>81281022
>>81280702
kek

>>81283278
Shit opinion, anon. Both Ray and Casper know this.

>>81283257
brilliant
>you know what they say ray about 2 birds with one stone? well here we are. 2 proud peacocks. cocks of the walk just strutting about. and the only stone I'm worried about is the one that doesnt have our names written on it.

>>81280702
Kek

>>81283236
A lot of the semi thought provoking writing wasn't even his. He ripped a lot of the edgy nihilistic shit from Thomas Ligotti and Peter Zapffe.

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Imagine being Colin Farrell in that scene and having to be all like "damn, Vince Vaughn, you fuckin' eloquent, all sage with your elaborate vocabulary and horrific pretentious analogies. I would totally be shaken by your rethoric, both my character and the real me." when all he really wants to do is shoot another scene with Rachel McAdams. Like seriously imagine having to be Colin and not only stand in that pier while Vince Vaughn flaunts his stilted solliloquy in front of you, the emotionless delivery barely concealing the excesive verbose and lack of pathos, and just stand there, take after take, hour after hour, while he perfected that monologue. Not only having to tolerate his grating fucking deliberate pauses but his haughty attitude as everyone on set tells him he's STILL GOT IT and DAMN, VINCE VAUGHN VAN DELIVER DIALOGUE LIKE *THAT*?? because they're not the ones who have to stand there and watch his droopy mouth conjure awkward declamations you didn't even think were possible before that day. You've been acting opposite nothing but a healthy diet of Al Pacinos, Tom Cruises and later alleged Ben Afflecks for your ENTIRE CAREER coming straight out of the boonies in Ireland. You've never even seen anything this fucking bad before, and now you swear you can taste the sweat that's breaking out on his wrinkled forehead as he frowns menacingly at you, smugly assured that you are enjoying the opportunity to get paid to stand there and revel in his "subdued (for that is what he calls himself)" performance, the performance he worked so hard for with personal acting coaches in the previous months. And then the director calls for another take, and you know you could outact the shit out of Vaughn before the studio security could put you down, but you stand there and endure, because you're fucking Colin. You're not going to lose your future Harry Potter career over this. Just bear it. Hide your face and bear it. Caspere knew this.

>>81283236
Cary directing is Spielberg tier. Matt and Woody are who saved it, along with Michelle DatAss and Alexandra McTits.

>They say that time and tide wait for no man, Ray. But guess what? A storm is coming, and I don't have a watch.

season 2 > season 1

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>>81283549
Problem with the second season was too many characters and they all were too depressing.

>They say what when you hit rock bottom there's nowhere to go but up. Well, guess what, Ray? We're ten feet deep and I'm about to start digging.

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thanks everyone
I needed this

>They say if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, Ray. But you know what, I've been beating my meat so long that the skin on my penis and hand have fused together -- they've joined -- don't you see, Ray? I beat 'em and I joined 'em. My golf handicapped has suffered as a result.

>They say the bigger he is the harder he falls. And when a big guy like me falls Ray, lets just say there are no survivors

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>>81278714
>You want life to stop suffocating you? Don't hold your breath, Ray. Me? I don't even have lungs. I got gills. And that's why this shit smells real fishy to me

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Tragedies come in three Ray. But this show isnt getting a third season, and Im the shark you can't jump

They say time heals all wounds, Ray, and a stitch in time saves nine. Well, when I'm done with this bastard he'll need so many stitches there won';t be any time left to heal.

>You know how they say the tables have turned, Ray? Well the chinks have a fascinating invention called the Lazy Susan. I mean, they wouldn't call it a Lazy Susan in Chinese, it's probably called "Wang Chow Ping Chong" or something, but that's not the point. The point is with these things you don't have to turn the table at all, because the Lazy Susan is a turning table -- not a turn table like those faggot DJs use, not like my son Perry, that fucking fairy, Jesus. Anyway, these slant-eyed explosion monkeys are at least good for passing the chicken chow mein, you know? Caspere new this, and many a time we got crooked sipping opiate-laced tea at a morning yum cha. Those were the days, Ray, but now the tables have turned. Susan got lazy.

>In this life you're either a hammer, or a nail. I've spent so long trying to be the hammer, and I never realized I was the wood all along.

>>81284127
dumb but it got me.

>>81284434
>Caspere new this
stopped reading there

don't do that

>>81284564
>stopped reading at the end
keep doing that

>>81284391
>You know what they say, Ray? They say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. But the only people doing the pounding are the ones who don't want us cured in the first place.

They say a shadow can't exist without a light. Well, it's five o clock, and I see the shadow, but I still can't see the fucking light.

>>81281214
still the best

>I was the one who armed the Chinese mob. Guns, bombs, bulletproof vests, you name it. Who would've thought that would be my downfall, Ray, the chinks in my armor?

>They say actions speak louder than words Ray. That's why I've never said a goddamned thing in my entire life.

>>81284578
>there's clearly a sentence after that segment
unless you consider things near the end to actually be the end

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>When punks fail they go back to the drawing board. They only fail because they use a fucking board in the first place.

>"They say if you can't handle the heat then get out of the kitchen. Well it's dinner time at a five star and I'm the fucking head chef."

>I never bite off more than I can chew Ray. That's why I have a fuckin blender.

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>Don't count your chickens before they hatch. Count your chickens before they make more eggs

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>>81283520
Underrated post

>>81278714
>>They say actions speak louder than words Ray. That's why I've never said a goddamned thing in my entire life.
>>81278714
>>I was the one who armed the Chinese mob. Guns, bombs, bulletproof vests, you name it. Who would've thought that would be my downfall, Ray, the chinks in my armor?
>>81278714
>>They say the bigger he is the harder he falls. And when a big guy like me falls Ray, lets just say there are no survivors
Good job
>There's an old saying that goes, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again". Well I'm fucking Yoda, Ray, and I do or do not, but I never try.
Caspre Knew This

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>You know what makes me different Rey? Some people whant to kill a guy and shoot him. Some just throw him out of a plane. Well guess what Rey. I do both.

>>81285192
What did he mean by this?

They say that you can tell everything you need to know about a man by his hands. I've been looking at mine my whole life Ray, and you wanna know what I just realized? They're fucking feet.

>>81280462
best one

>Some wiseass once said to me, Ray, that the apple doesen't fall far from the tree. But when I look up, all I see are fucking lemons

>They say you don't get to bring friends, Ray, but guess what? I'm fuckin CIA.

>>81282197
Caspere knew this.

My grandfather told me you can discover everything you need to know about everything by looking at your hands. I've been looking at mine all my life, every day since I was 5, and you know what I've just realized? They're fucking feet.

>>81278714
>Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the men of old; seek what they sought. Well guess what: I'm an old man now and I found myself! Casper knew this...

>You can turn the other cheek
>You can just give up the ship
>You can eat a bunch of sushi and forget to leave a tip

>Caspere knew this

>>81280871
This is deep tho

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>Ray, if you immediatley know the candle light is fire then the meal was cooked along time ago.

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>>81284728
fucking hell

Can anyone post any of the actual quotes that inspired this? I remember thinking they were dumb when I watched the show, but I can't for the life of me remember any

good show and your memes won't take that away. post best girl plz

>>81284222
wew lad

>>81283236
The second season barely even works from a writing persoective. Its full of weird pacing, dropped plots and concepts that dont outlive their episodes.

>>81281409
multi-layered

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>>81280202

>>81284728
Might be the best one yet

>>81291164
It's a noir for fuck sake.

Though if you want to talk about dropping plot points - look no further than the corruption in season 1. It may as well have been filler, considering nothing is done with it.

>You know, Ray, I've had this dream before, it's like Deja fuckin' vu. I may have killed my mentor, but I can say that beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was not his murderer. At least i can say that my legs are OK

>>81291022
do you feel diminished?

>>81291022
Were there even many dumb quotes? The only truly bad one was
>blue balls in my heart

Others were like >>81280871 which isn't bad at all.
I still don't know where the blue balls line comes from.

>They tell you not to look gifted horse in the mouth. Well you know what Ray? I looked. Not a fucking cavity.

>>81291521
kek

>They say we are all standing on the shoulders of giants. Well, I've been to that holy mountaintop Ray. And that fucker had psoriasis

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>>81291100

>>81283520
> because you're fucking Colin. You're not going to lose your future Harry Potter career over this.

Jesus Christ, i laughed

>They say it's not how hard you hit that counts it's how hard you can get hit. Well Ray my opponent's Mike Tyson but I'm fucking Ghandi.

>They say everyone has their 15 minutes of fame, Ray. Well my audition's in 5 and I slept in.

>They say life is like a box of chocolates. Thing is; I'm lactose intolerant and I don't see anyone offering me any gummy bears

>They say what goes around comes around. What they don't know is I'm a fucking boomerang

>Freud said every man wants to sleep with his mother. Well I was raised by the streets, Ray, and you're the condom

>They say waste not want not. Well I just wasted a nigger, Ray, and I sure don’t want his bike

>They say beggars can't be choosers but I got raped by a hobo and he sure as fuck chose me

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They say two's company but three's a crowd. Well this orgy just got crowded and I'm the cuck

>They say Jargon aphasia is a type of fluent aphasia in which an individual's speech is incomprehensible, but appears to make sense to the individual. Persons experiencing this condition will either replace a desired word with another that sounds or looks like the original one, or has some other connection to it, or they will replace it with random sounds. Accordingly, persons with jargon aphasia often use neologisms, and may perseverate if they try to replace the words they double take under flowing current rooster failurechickendevildeviltryfacesmountainexileray

I haven't seen this show and I can never get enough of these. Apparently this season sucked, but the characterization must've be great to spawn this much meme

>>81284730
Here's your (You) anon, you got me

>>81292398
>Apparently this season sucked
Only people that wanted it to be the same as season 1 say this - on it's own season 2 is fantastic.

Meme is great though.

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>>81285842
holy fuck

>>81292071
kek

>>81292598
>on it's own season 2 is fantastic.

Is /tv/ the only place that thinks this? You guys take contrarianism too far. The characters were one dimensional and boring and the plot was an absolute clusterfuck masquerading as something deep.

>tfw you never get (You)s in these threads even though you try really hard

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>>81292771
>you take things too far

Name one time.

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>>81292804

>They say there's two sides to every story. Well guess what Ray? I can't read and I'm a triangle.

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>>81283520
Keked

>>81292959

What happens if you screenshot this pepe and keep the screenshot? can you still get trouble?

>>81293002
Of course.

Pepe police will find you and fuck you up.

>>81292771
/tv/ isn't an echo-chamber you redditor.

The characters were in no way one dimensional, and I don't know where you think the show was trying to be deep. Being pessimistic =/= depth.

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>>81282197

>>81293238

I dont even know where to start with your post. Whaf utterly shit taste you have.

Ever hear th old saw in for a penny in for a pound? Well, I never eat penne, Ray, and I never eat linguini, and the only time I go to the pound is to put an old dog down. So it's going to be a spaghetti dinner and a lot of empty dog dishes in this town tonight. Caspere knew this.

>You know that saying "You learn to ride on old horses" Ray? Well my legg is going limb and I am about to be send to the catfood factory , so im guessing time is running out on both of us

>>81291366
kek

>caspere knew this

What did he mean by this?

>Old man and his wife. They walked into the kitchen fucking like animals, he was taking her from behind, didn't even hear me come in. The man was a lightweight - easy enough to make him talk with a few casual slips of bourbon. But the horse he rode in on? I could lead her to water, but I couldn't make her drink.

>They say, there's two sides to every story, Ray, but I'm stuck in the second floor of the fucking library.

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>You see there's leaders and there's followers, but i'd rather be a dick then a swallower Ray!

>they paint the world dark and tell us to be afraid of the shadows. but Ray, I'm the fucking dragon lurking there

>>81283520
Fucking kek

>>81280462
Stolen and claimed

>>81278714
It's all paper mache.

>>81281409
>there are people that are going to read this line, realize that they are in the timeline where they can read this line, and still deny the existence of God

>when I was a child, my father would always tell me I was being obtuse. Thing is, he's dead now and I'm a fucking circle.

>They say that blood is thicker than water, Brother Ray. But I'm on my period and we're in the fucking desert.

>Ever hear about the Butterfly Effect, Ray? It say's that a butterfly can flap it's wing in Australia and cause a hurricane in the Caribbean. Right now, I'm in Sydney with a first class ticket to New Orleans and I forgot my water wings.

>>81281344
KEK

>>81295150
what the fuck are you on about m8

>I gotta quit drinking, Ray. They say the hair of the dog that bit you is the best hangover cure. What they don't tell you is that dog has mange and I've got cat scratch fever.

>Look at this, clowns to the right of me, jokers to the left, and here I am Ray, stuck in the middle with you.

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>>81296920

>Some folks Ray, are born to wave the flag, they love that red, white, and blue, but it ain't me, it ain't me, Ray. I ain't no senator's, son.

>You will never gangbang Rachel McAdams at a degenerate Illuminati party

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>y'know how they say that you get a tan from standing in the English rain, Ray? Well, they're sitting on a corn flake and I'm the fucking walrus.

>Some people seem to think that a problem will eventually solve itself, or that you just have to look at it from a different angle. Well guess what Ray, I'm the new Pythagoras in town.

>You ever hear the phrase "Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub"? Well there's only room for one man in this Tub, Ray, and that's me.

>>81297606
lel

Bumpster

>>81292175
I shouldnt have laughed but I did

>>81280202
HAHHAAAAHAAAHAHAHAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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>They say the house always wins in the end, Ray. But I'm the one payin the fuckin mortgage.

>>81292175
I got a belly laugh from this one, thanks anon

You know something Ray, people say money talks, Casper knew this too, Ray. But you know something else? I've been listening to money all my life and its never said a damn thing to me.

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Ray, when I first got started in this business they told me: "never bite the hand that feeds you." So instead, I went and bit down on the leg. And now I'm opening up my own fucking Asian themed restaurant...sushi, dumplings, Chinese beef with assorted vegetable...stuff like that...it's located across the road from the Midtown mall...

>"They say that you shouldn't shoot a guy before you throw him out of a plane, but you know, Ray, all this time time I've been saying "Of Course!" and all it has done is crash the plane."

>>81300802
top kekkles

The ellipses really made the point

>>81281042
i didn't want to laugh

>>81292312
>>81292202
>>81292159
>>81292143
>>81292104
>>81292071
>>81291726
top kej

>>81292175
haha lmao kekkles
>>81286690
for you

>>81285282
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
>>81284728
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

>Knock knock, Ray.
>Who's there.
>I'm the fucking door.

>"They say you shouldn't make a mountain out of a molehill, Ray. Well I'll tell you what. After I'm through with this, that mole ain't gonna just have a mountain, he's gonna have a fully decorated en suite mountain condominium with a little FUCKIN ski slope of his own, you hear me Ray?"

>"I once told a woman that I was lost in her eyes. That was a lie, Ray. I never get lost. I never even owned a fucking map. "

>They say you shouldn't throw out the baby with the bathwater. Well guess what, Ray? I've got a walk-in shower.

>They say in for a penny in for a pound, Ray, but all I got is nickels and I'm not fucking british.

>You ever heard that all's well that ends well? Turns out I was the well and I ended up bone fuckin' dry.

>"Women always treat me like shit, but you know what, Ray, they never wipe."

>"I was in line at Taco Bell yesterday. I pull up to the box, order my food, and then drive to the window. My order came to $10.37. I handed the cashier a $20 bill. I grabbed the bag, and started to drive away when the cashier looked at me and yelled, "Sir you forgot your change." I yelled back, "I didn't forget my change. Change forgot me." "

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>>81283520
I didn't even know I was waiting for this. Thanks anon.

>You know Ray, my old man used to tell me there's a time to fight, and a time to walk away. But when you're a double amputee, you ain't got much choice.

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>>81291812
Well done anon.

>Napoleon once said "never stop your enemy when he's making a mistake", well guess what, Ray, I am my own enemy and I never stop myself when I'm talking to you.

>I don't trust maps, Ray. The earth ain't flat...

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>I'm a shark, a great white, infact I just smelled blood, the blood of a wounded manta, Ray.

dont die

>They saw a picture is worth a thousand words Ray, but I have a 500 word essay due tomorrow and I don't even know where to start

How can we get Vince Vaughn to say these lines