>Want to see new Mallick opening night >Decide to prebook

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>take my seat nice and early
>movie starts
>attendant approaches me
>he wants to clean out the birdcage above me
>have to stand up while he cleans it out
>guy behind can't see and starts swearing at me
>bird gets pissed off and starts screeching and rattling the cage
>spills water dish on the woman in front of me
>everyone in the cinema has stopped watching the movie and is turning and glaring at me
>attendant finally finishes up and lets me sit down again
>have a sip of my drink
>it's full of bird seed

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>Go to Theatre downtown
>Brought my falconette (Lisa) to get past the no singles policy (We're common law married)
>They let me in no problems
>No Theater operator is Muslim and has banned popcorn because it's not halal
>I ask for some sort of replacement snack
>He pulls a huge, 20 pound bag of imported, uncooked rice onto the counter
>He fills my cup with dry grains of rice and tells me it's just a s good
>Okay fine, I take it but I ask for some Live Mice to feed Lisa, my wife
>Mice are halal too (what the fuck?)
>Ask for another replacement
>He gives me some live Death's-head Hawkmoths, "the jew of the animal world" (???)
>Take Lisa and out snacks to the shower room
>Men's showers are broken so I have to use the birdbath with Lisa
>It's dirty, stagnant, and filled with litter
>Finally get to out seats after our gross bath
>Jem and the Holograms, things seem good so far
>Liza DOES NOT like the moths, I try to calm her down but she starts screeching and circling, looking for prey (luckily it was only us in the theater)
>I try eating the rice grains, it's fucking hard
>halfway through the flick I get the "grumpy dumpies"
>Run to the bathroom and shoot buckshot out my ass because of the undigested rice
>I pass out from rectal bleeding in the stall
>Lisa found me 4 hours later
>Get fined for the mess: $5,000 plus 75% tip

it was a good time

>the clowns come in the cinema when the coffee break starts

>>80923736
>coffee break
What kind of stupid kinoplex do you go to? Everyone knows it's designated shooter time during the intermission.

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https://youtu.be/JBx-vydxfKU

What's th ebest way to skip the nSP, lads? I brought a sex doll but I'm not sure if the NSP checker would identify her as human.

>>80924878
try to coerce him into calling you sir, then ask him if he just assumed your gender.

>>80924878
Wear a turban and tell th checker you haven't managed yet to breed enough horses to buy yourself even a 9yo.

>>80926414
you know that all cunnies have to pass the smell test, right?

>go to theater to see the new James Bond film
>no singles policy, but I figure I'll just buy two tickets like I always do
>pay with my mom's credit card
>cashier gives me a short code and directs me to some new machine that is supposed to give me my ticket
>I walk over, impressed with my theater for having a sleek new machine
>I put in the code
>machine asks me to pick my seats, so I do... E7 and E8
>then it asks me to put my thumb against screen
>I do it
>after a little wheel animation spins around, the machine confirms my thumbprint and asks for the thumbprint of the "second customer"
>start to panic
>look around, cashier is looking in my direction, but my back is to her
>I look back at the screen and put my other thumb against the screen to see if that works
>wheel turns
>"This thumbprint is already registered. Please use different thumb."
>what the fuck
>feel sweat beads running down my back
>Cashier is still looking at me
>A long line is starting to form behind me, but I've paid $60 for the tickets, so I can't turn back now
>unzip dick
>stand on my toes and press it against the screen
>wheel turns
>"Could not confirm thumb"
>suddenly, an alarm goes off and two black guards grab me and escort me out of the theater with my dick still hanging out
>get home and mom screams at me for paying $60 to see a shitty Bond flick