>visiting my local cinema/shootout zone >order two tickets

hahaha.

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>didn't bring his slow cooker and hotpot to eat just in time for the circus

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>pre-movie trailers start
>it's all ISIS videos

>>79061588
"No this time, Josephine".

>>79061700
>didn't bring his portable campfire to roast marshmallows

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>go to movies
>by myself
>order a popcorn
>watch Hacksaw Ridge in a mostly empty theater
>movie ends and having enjoyed myself I leave the theater
>on the drive home get pulled over for broken tail light
>officer hands me a ticket
>it says "violating NO SINGLES POLICY"
>wake up in the theater singles pen because someone is trying to steal my last redvine
>stab him in the eye
>feel nothing as the stench of death fills the pen and the other neckbeards look upon my kill with hollow hungry eyes
>the re-education reels have ended and Hacksaw Ridge is finally starting after 2 weeks of indoctrination
>bite the ends off my redvine and drink the blood out of the dead guys skull as I finally get comfy for Mel-kino

>>79061891
That's fucking brutal. Europe's cinema prisons are much more humane than america's it seems.

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>>79061928
It's what you gotta do... it's what you gotta do.

>go to movies
>by myself
>can't get middle seats because they're reserved for the Dbox cucks
>top row has been blocked off by coats and one terrified looking kid
>grab seat in front
>the pre-show starts
>the pre-show repeats 5 times
>the trailers start but the projector shuts off
>some fucker spends 20 min apologizing
>the trailers start
>the trailers go on for 15 min
>Then the powerplay game starts, everyone open the powerplay app to win them sweet pointz
>Which aktor iz best, if u in majority u win!!!
>Jennifor Lawrentce wins...
>Film starts, some kid is kicking my seat and the D-box cucks can't figure out their intensity settings
>I leave.

>>79061588
this one meme that started from almost nothing proves 4chan is better than reddit

dumb frogposter

>>79061958
The only thing I still don't understand is the popcorn mines

>>79063313
You have to work in the mines before you cna see the movie. At my cinema there are butter mines too.

>>79063313
Yeah me neither. My local cinemas have salt mines, but I've never heard of popcorn mines.

>>79062891
I wonder will it evolve so much that it's a full on adventure seemingly completely unrelated to the cinema experience.

We already have falcons, shootouts, prisons, showers etc

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>want to see the latest Marvel Capeflick
>ask my girlfriend if she wants to come
>buy 2 tickets
>arrive at cinema 10 minutes before movies start
>buy a beer
>movie is trash but had fun with gf
>go home

Looks like I quit going to the cinema just at the right time

>go to the falcon show/cinema
>forgot my falcon
>have to watch the whole movie in the no falcon booth
>the show the movie on a smartphone

>>79063355
>this is how i know youre full of shit
butter vineyards you idiot

>>79062891
Alright we believe you don't browse reddit, you're off the hook for now.

>>79063446
and then you awoke

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>go to local kinoplex
>bring my carer
>pass the penis inspection
>enter the delousing cabin
>get some crablegs
>hear falcons screeching
>FUCK FUCK FUCK
>have to sit in the shooting area since I forgot my falcon
>trailers start playing
>shooter starts spraying his AKS-74U
>the guy in front of me gets a headshot
>tfw my crablegs are full of brain and skull fragments

>>79063446
This is the only untruthful post ITT.

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>Go to the cinema all by myself
>Cashier asks were my girlfriend is
>"S-she, she... err... caught a cold hehe"
>He then asks about my friends
>"They... err... couldn't make it here, ya'know, traffic and stuff. heh
>He says nothing and hand me my ticket
>People start looking funny at me
>Go grab my seat
>Some people passing by push me
>One of them almost made me drop my spaghetti
>Trailers start
>People start talking about the creppy weirdo on the front row
>"What kind of loser go to the movies alone?" some little girl asks her mother
>Their voices becomes increasingly loud and angry
>Rebellion ensues
>They get up and start beating me
>Couples, groups of friends, families. All kicking my ass
>mfw Even the shooter was beating me
>mfw Even the shooter took his gf to the movies with him
>After like, 10 minutes, the usher finally stopped them
>He said to me gtfo for causing turmoil

Going to the movies alone is fucking rough, man

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>don't go to the cinema
>have a great time watching movie at home

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>go to local cinema
>drop the stinkiest fart ever

>>79064500
>have a great time watching movie at home
Stopped reading right there

>>79064500
You monster! You're ruining the movie industry!

>>79064541
fucking loled to be truthful my family member

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>check theatre allowance ID card
>it's time for my 6 monthly visit
>spend an entire week in preparation
>get drunk beforehand and leave falcon in taxi
>panic like fuck and stick some feathers onto an old cabbage that was in a dumpster
>pass inspection with flying colors

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>Arrive at the theater by myself
>ticket lady hands me my ticket and charges me 50% tax for buying single ticket
>whispers in my ear "you're the designated shooter today"
>Panic because I forgot to bring my hand gun
>Quietly go to the gun dispenser, next to the gummy bear one
>Shit, only have like $200, I guess I'll buy that little gun that shots .22 or something
>Only enough money left for a couple of boxes worth of ammo
>go to the ticket inspector, pass
>go to the penis inspector, almost fail because I didn't shave but I told them my falcon ate the razor. phew.
>Finally at the movie hall, it's dance number day so we have to do the thriller dance
>Luckily I'm just a background zombie and nobody notices my shit dance
>8:00pm Movie about to start, we just have to wait for half an hour of ads
>8:31 movie starts finally
>about half hour in, realize its a shit movie and leave
>go to the cinema showers to relax
>somebody stole my shampoo, use the one they give you there. My hair will be stiff all day ugh.
>change and leave for home
>midway realize I didn't shoot any one
>Panic again
>Run back but realize I have the neck collar that explodes if you enter with out paying
>Use the emergency exit
>start reloading my .22
>scream "S-SHOOTY M-MURDER TIME!"
>every one stands up and start clapping, some are mad at me for arriving late to kill them and giving me eyes
>h-here we go! plink-plank-plunk
>Everyone just standing there looking at each other like WTF?
>Forgot that everyone in america is immune to .22 already because all the shooting and I had to use at least 7.92mm
>get arrested for failed mass shooting
>Police need to bring a designated shooter from another room
>mfw

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>go to cinema
>they've started some new no fapping-policy
>i wore my fap pants for nothing

>movie day at the gulag
>can't turn on the popcorn machine because we're off the grid
>can't start a fire for popcorn because it's -50°C
>at least Vanya stole some vodka for all of us
>have to beat up some churkas who stole the best seats
>can hardly see through my swollen eye now
>pre-movie pledge to emperor Putin
>short trailer where we learn how putin will save Russia and the universe
>pre-movie anti-capitalist imperial defence class
>they tell us that america wants to invade us to steal our great riches
>movie can't start
>because it's -50°C and the projector isn't working
>oh well, it was a depressing film about post-91 moscow crime and poverty anyway
>my feet are cold

>>79061588
>not smuggling in a zip-lock bag of chili in your pocket

Why do you people even bother going to the movies?

>>79064500
B-but I don't have a 2 ton IMAX analog projector along with the 98 feet high screen right at my home.
Or a living room with perfect acoustic treatment and a sound system with multi-thousand watt amplifiers and speakers even behind the screen which has microscopic holes throughout for the sound to get through.

The quality of an IMAX is high enough for me to get risk out getting shot by the local resident cinema shooter.

But I am on the lookout for an affordable bullet-proof vest for the perfect cinema experience.

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>>79064618
>>Run back but realize I have the neck collar that explodes if you enter with out paying

My sides!

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>>79064680
>wear bullet-proof vest
>forget that it's a bank holiday and the shooter is only doing head shots

>>79064500
How did you do with the shootout? Did you order one of them delivery shooters to your home?

I always look forward to these threads.

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>tfw forgot my falcon and they were out of rentals

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>visit my local cinema
>it's "bollywood-week"
>only indian flicks
>they've closed the toilets and instead installed a designated shitting street in the aisle of the theater
>POO IN LOO

>>79061588
>the shooter is 15 minutes late

Kek

where and when did the crab legs and falcon stuff originate from?

>>79064808
No I microwaved one of those insta-shooters

>>79065061
Here

>>79065061
Reddit obviously. This is just a thread that can be used for redditors like myself to hang out.

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>Visit local cinema
>Grab my ticket and go to my seat
>Waiting for the big moment
>Shooter finally arrives
>Whole cinema applauds
>But he doesn't look very excited
>He tells us due to new politics, blacks, spics, women and lgbt get to be shot first
>He then apologizes for all the racism, sexism and homophobia in our society
>fuck, I arrived earlier for nothing
>mfw when it was finally my turn he already had run out of bullets

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>visit my local cinema with my friend
>designated shooter kills him
>security guard sends a falcon with a letter asking me to leave the cinema because i'm breaking the no-singles policy now

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>be British
>go to cinema in Germany whilst on holiday
>cinema doorman checks my passport
>no EU symbol any more
>drives a stake through my heart and throws me to the gorillas

>>79065299
so this is drumpf's america huh

Was the no-single policy the first aspect of this meme and it branched off from there? I'm pretty sure the synthesis with penis inspections was one of its first advancements

>>79065488
I remember the falcon thing came pretty early but in the beginning there was a no falcons allowed thing. Now it seems that cinemas demands you having a falcon to even get in.

>>79061588
>the cinema sumo wrestler hits the gong
The fuck is this new gong shit you have in american cinemas?

>go to theater to see A Dog's Purpose
>line takes forever because the machine they use to scan barcode tattoos is broken
>one medium cup of Regal Cinema Slurry is nine dollars
>a blanket is twenty
>showing is theater 7 which means I have to go down to the Cinema Pit
>make the long climb down a cold wet iron ladder one handed
>there's falcon shit all over the rungs
>guy above me slips and falls screaming past me
>when I finally get to the bottom his body is being dragged off into the darkness at the far edges of the pit
>I can hear strange things in the dark, clicking and hissing
>I take care to walk without rhythm but they still follow, whispering
>in my left hand, a lighter - the flame bursts into life in the blackness
>pale things surround me, eyeless and hungry
>they retreat as they see the flame and I continue onward
>finally find a good stone to sit on close to the screen
>they are still close by in the dark, whispering and clicking
>a translucent hand slowly creeps out to touch my arm
>I pass it the rest of my slurry over along with a box of milk duds
>the chattering in the dark finally goes quiet
>I enjoy the rest of the movie in silence

movie was pretty good, I'd give it three "barks" out of four

>manager has a 20 minute speech thanking the birthday boy and his party for their continued patronage

Fuck, i hate it when that happens.

>>79065636
Yeah, I think you're right, Don't forget crab legs of course but that seems to fly under the radar these days

>>79065697
It's the signal to the projectionist so he knows when he should start the movie. How else would he know? Duh!

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>>79065720
>not bringing a flamethrower to ward off cinema wendigos

>>79065783
>he
>assuming the projectionist's gender

Sexist much?

>>79064537
have done this and have heard the people behind me complain was hilarious

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>go see La La Land with some friends
>they INSIST on sitting in the front row
>even though we only have one support and one tank

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What is it like to watch kino with a girl lads?

>>79061588
no jokes, for Star Wars 7, the owner/manager came out and said "Thanks for everyone that showed up for the midnight premier of Star Wars." along with more drivel praising the cinema, directors, and actors.

>>79066251
i imagine it is annoying:

- uses phone at full brightness to check likes on her instadrone
- texts the entire time
- anon i dont get this movie and it's sooo boring
- what did they just say?

>>79063406
and it all started from some stupid suggestion in a thread for crab legs.

If i ever make a movie, i will force a theater to enforce all this crazy shit. Alamo drafthouse January 2019 you will see a no singles policy, crab legs, the employees will wear falcons on their heads.

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>>79066116
I don't know why this was so funny but good job anon

I desire a fake documentary about a tv theater

>go to local kinoplex by myself
>see a sign that reads "no singles policy strictly enforced"
>time to improvise
>get my phone out and pretend I’m speaking to my imaginary gf
>walk to the ticket dispenser and mumble to the phone "hurry up babe, I already bought the tickets"
>"Can I have TWO tickets for La La Land, please" I tell the ticket selling professional
>Sure thing, sir...
>phone starts ringing
>guards catch my bluff and send 3 armored falcons to incapacitate me
>too slow to unshed my katana
>they rip my trench coat to shreds and I get escorted out of the premises with a warning and a $5,000 dollar fine

I couldn't even make it to the crab legs buffet

>>79066371
Unironically this and she actually liked movies more than most grills I've met, also claimed amazing spider man 2 was not only good but better than the tobey maguire ones because
>ANDREW GARFIELD IS SOOOO CUUUTE

>>79066456
But your fedora was unharmed? That's always something.

>>79065636
it started with the crab legs, some guy had a thread about foods you would have if you owned a theater. Everyone found that hilarious.
and everyone branched off that.

I remember when the falcon thing was a genuis solution to no singles and was meant to capture other people's food, which is why they had guard towers i think.

the shooter stuff must have happened recently

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>>79061588
>no birthday shootout for the birthday kids
>audience boos for 20 minutes

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>>79064480
>for causing turmoil

>>79066597
>the shooter stuff must have happened recently
Nah, the shooter thing has been around for awhile because America.

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>going to the cinema all alone as always
>the usual routine, bought two tickets and the multiculturally approved combo of hummus and goatmilk, family size
>also brought a womens jacket which I hold on my right arm when I enter
>"Excuse me sir but where is your companion?"
>"Oh she's at the bathroom no worries" *point at the jacket*
>"Enjoy your kíno sir"
>a bit sweaty from that interaction but it all seems good, have plenty of time to cool down during ads
>lights go off, movie finally starts
>let out the last few farts from the warm goatmilk so I can finally enjoy my highly anticipated flick
>suddenly the opening credits are stopped, cinema staff bullies come in with flashlights
>Saw a guy drinking the offensive Coca Cola drink so they gotta be after him
>but the main cinema bully flashes right at me and yells "RIGHT THERE! GET THE LOSER"
>they are clearly onto me, should've brought a more convincing and expensive women's jacket
>the whole row is throwing me out, spitting and throwing stones at me
>cinema staff bullies drag me out of there with the whole crowd cheering and clapping
>"This is the third time you broke the 'no singles policy', you're going to jail you fucking weirdo"
>they throw me in the cinema jail, small dirty cell with no windows or toilet (pic related), just a designated shitting corner
>they don't tell me the time or date so I don't know if I was there for weeks or months
>survive on eating only leftover spilled cinema hummus and sheep blood which the cinema staff scrapes of the floor of every screening
>get to know all the other losers in nearby cells, we form a secret women hating club in there
>one other loser overhears our conversation and starts yelling at us
>brawl ensues, cinema jail clans are fighting to death
>I pretend dead so the staff throws me out in the dumpster with the rest of the bodies
>wait for the night to fall and run back home to my room
>have to start collecting good boy points all over again

Rough times my dear friends

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>>79061588
>the cinema sumo wrestler hits the gong

>>79066817
>"Enjoy your kíno sir"
kek it's always the little stuff that cracks me up

>>79066817
>"Enjoy your kíno sir"
>finally enjoy my highly anticipated flick
>kino
>flick

What's it gonna be?

>>79064745
>>79064808
>>79061588
>>79061729
>>79063587
>>79064480
>>79064618
>>79064665
>>79065299
>>79065720
>>79066116
>>79066817
I'm impressed. You've convinced me to take the pilgrimage to the cinema. Wish me luck,

>>79066116
I wanted to see la la land with some of my friends(1M+2F)
But the girls had other plans :(

>>79066943
It's a matter of perspective.

Why am i laughig at this shit

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>>79061588
>go to my local AMC theater
>sigh in relief when I pass through the Virgin Detector bars at the entrance
(spent months doing heart rate/hormone-control training to fool the test)
>pack of teenage girl turns to look at me as I walk to the cashier
>they start whispering and giggling
>wave of anxiety makes me blush
>start sweating under my jacket
>"T-t-two tickets for Avengers: Rise of the Five Emeralds, please. Type A, 2 total attendees, 1 present hetero male, 1 late hetero female. And 1 large EG/DP *cough*"
>cashier taps screen without getting eyes off of me
>"That'll be $73.99 plus $25.99 for a large Eva Green sweat essence DeluxePop popcorn"
>swipe my debit card
>"Gotcha!"
>cashier presses a button under her stand
>all the lights shut down
>alarms start blaring and flashing red
>sweat rolls down my face
>don't know what to do
>"Please, stand where you are, sir! Do NOT move!" she screams
>metal shutters close exits shut
>Public Contamination Squad officers rush out and surround me
>"KISS THE GROUND VIRGIN SCUM!"
>everyone laughs at me as I get pushed to the ground and cuffed
>get branded with the official Shame seal
>get sentenced to Virgin Rehabilitation Camp for an indefinite amount of time
>didn't even get a refund for the two tickets I bought

>>79067051
Because these are the best kind of threads on /tv/. Says a lot about the state of this board.

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>Be me 2016
>Girl I like finally agrees to go to the cinema with me
>I'm so glad she accepted I shat my pants to show excitement
>The great day comes. Cashier asks me if I want the "no-shooter session"
>What the fuck. There is a "no-shooter session" now? Is this England or something? Fucking commies will ruin this country to the ground
>Gun inspection. My girl forgot her gun at her trailer, but since I always walk around with three we were allowed to proceed
>Penis inspection. I stretched before going out so it's all good
>Pledge allegiance to America, Jesus and the President
>Usher search my anus for drugs and illegal immigrants
>See some liberal being arrested because they found a kinder surprise with him
>Finally, my girl and I grab our seats and start throwing popcorn on the ground, as it's tradition
>After 3 hours of movie trailers, the movie finally begins
>"Batman v Superman" It's some fancy intellectual bullshit movie, but girls like those
>"I heard Captain America appears on this one" my girl said.
>I like Captain America, The First Avenger was a great documentary, fuck those nazi
bastards
>Shooter finally arrives, I managed to get out with just a shot in the forearm, my girl lost a leg
>When the movie was over, everyone clapped
>We tipped the usher and the shooter.
>Threw the rest of our garbage on the ground and leave
>My girl said it was a very fun night, kissed me on the cheek and told me to call her later
>mfw we started dating after this

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>getting ready for penis inspection
>take my place on the conveyor belt and stand on the marker
>everything seems a little slower than usual today; everyone is getting antsy
>guy 3 spots down from me starts to whisper something to his friend but is quickly beheaded by the in-house boomerang specialist
>everyone shuts up, but soon we hear a commotion to our left
>look through the plexiglass barriers and see that WOMEN are being inspected
>mfw grills without sufficient measurements in the breasts or buttocks get sent to estrogen enhancement therapy and squats in the thiccening cage
>Rip in pieces feminism!

The no singles thingI get, but where did this falcon meme come from?

>>79067151
>"Batman v Superman" It's some fancy intellectual bullshit movie, but girls like those

BRAVO!

>>79067289
>he thinks falcons are a meme
Just what kind of uncivilized hick town do you live in?

Guys I am from the near future, the kinoplex experience is about to become amazing

>feel like watching the latest flick
>my AI car drives me to my local kinoplex
>have a quick fap in the car on the way there
>drive past the local ethnic cleansing facility
>walk into the beautiful clean art deco styled building
>ticket booth is staffed by beautiful women
>being a white male I do not have to pay anything
>go to the food court and am given my complimentary crabs legs and drink of voice
>carried by a complimentary kinobabe
>get a good seat
>no adverts or trailers, film starts exactly on time
>my kinobabe feeds me crabs legs
>get a bj half way through the film
>look over at the next guy, who is also getting a bj
>we nod smugly at each other
>on the drive home my AI car detects a rogue nigger and runs it over

Our time is coming lads, hang in there.

this thread is why I come here

>>79067090
Terrifying Tbh

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>too late to cinema
>tickets almost sold out
>end up in the haunted section

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>>79066597
Oh man, he used to try to force that meme on /v/ for years and years, only it was "What food would you like to serve if you could run your own arcade? I would serve crab legs".

You /tv/ats are such bait-biting cucks.

>>79067289
One guy suggested using a falcon to steal food. So now the Falcons are part of the theater

>>79068671
It worked, it's like theseus ship, just because he gave us the original idea doesn't make it his

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>>79067717
>drink of voice

>>79069031
I suspect he is supremely smug about having "created a big meme" right now.

>>79062891
>>79063406
>>79066387
You're supposed to play along, not break the immersion. Get back to read-it.

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>terror Tuesday at the kinotorium
>get to theater
>screen has been replaced by a mirror
>mfw

>prepare for the dance intermission since the judges at my cinema are always strict as fuck
>think I got everything, dance shoes, a properly trained falcon and of course teal clothing for "Teal Tuesday"
>don't mess up a single step of the dance
>judges still give me a low score
>ask why
>It's because it was actually Maroon Monday

They said they'll take away my cinema license if this happens again, how is this allowed?

>great new movie gets released
>consider going to movies
>read on /tv/ about 2017 moviegoing experience
>decide to stay home
>next day at work, everyone is talking about the movie
>I can't contribute anything to the discussion
>FeelsBad

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>tfw capes are no longer hip kino attire

What do all of you kids wear over your falconer leathers?

>>79064618
>>scream "S-SHOOTY M-MURDER TIME!"
kek'd

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>>79064618
>Forgot that everyone in america is immune to .22 already because all the shooting and I had to use at least 7.92mm

>>79065061
The may may factory - they were assembled by child laborers in China

>>79066251
I tried to watch donna darko with my Ex and only gf and she just ignored the film to give what I imagine is the worst handjob in human history

>kinosseum is closed
>digging a bigger moat after gong was stolen
>fine, I'll go to the flickdispensary
>Wanted to see la la land anyways
>only designated cis white male seat is taken
>at least I passed penis inspection
>have to sit in the designated shitting row
>movie smells as bad as my seat

The worst part is nobody who goes there trains their birds, how is this chain still around?

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>go to see flick at my local kinodrome
>late winter, freezing cold
>no intermissions for microwaving socks

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>>79067090
>>"T-t-two tickets for Avengers: Rise of the Five Emeralds, please. Type A, 2 total attendees, 1 present hetero male, 1 late hetero female. And 1 large EG/DP *cough*"

>>79067717
There's actually going to be a blowjob cafe soon in my city. Not even memeing

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>go in theater to buy tickets
>stand outside theater and sell them at half price
>manager comes out and tells me i can't do that
shieeetttttt

>>79069855
microwaves cause brain damage with the radioactive exposure you fucking retard
not having any on the kinodrome territories has been a standard safety measure for at least 4 years now, though I'm not surprised if flickhuts still have them (making flickwatchers even more retarded than they already are)

>>79070034
lol wtf is that what it's like in burgerland
>buy tickets
>stand outside theater and sell them double the price
>manager says to me "I don't know who you are or where you came from but keep up the good work"

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>feel like a horror movie, wait until the full moon for the skeleton cinema to rise from the ground
>remember to starve myself a week in advance to pass the skeletal skinniness standard
>remember to practice getting a boner so boney it's literally a bone for the penis inspection
>remember to sneak in my own spider legs instead of crab ones
>remember to bring in my pet vulture instead of a falcon
>even remembered to starve my little sister to death and bring in her dead skeleton so I don't have to pay for a single ticket
>fucking love the skeleton cinema, nothing can go wrong
>pass the entry examination with flying colors
>purchase mine and my sister's tickets, order a large milk
> about to make my way to tomb number 5 when a member of staff stops me
>he whispers discretely in my ear: "sir, you have been selected as the designated smasher"
>mfw I packed a fucking gun and forgot to conceal a sledgehammer

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>Moonlight playing in aisle 10
>have to go through the swamp tunnels to get there
>push the gondola driver down in the crocodile infested waters when he's not looking
The theatre fined me $5.99+tax, but it was worth it I'd say.

>>79070197
>order a large milk
kek'd

>>79065061
During one of Raimi's early movies. It was a different time.

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>decide to take the theatre pilgrimage
>spin the motion-picture-wheel
>it lands on the Assassin's Creed movie again
>have to see it the 3rd time in a row this week
>aimlessly browse reddit until it ends
>didn't even get to pet the theatre loli

>>79069948

that does sound like quite a large meme to be anon

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>go to newly opened theater
>it's called the Mind Perforator
>kinda weird but they're playing Wonder Woman before it officially comes out so whatever
>ticket master just stares at me with an empty look in his eyes
>sick, free seats then
>mfw they dont have a no jacking off policy
>the movie was pretty good but the walls wouldn't stop breathing
overall nice experience.

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>at local cinema
>movie is playing
>people behind me making an awful racket
>turn around and schhh them
>don't realize until afterwards the guys behind me were black
>they jump me and crush every bone in my body
>people around look in horror as they are calling the police
>police comes and arrest me for hatecrime but I'm already in a coma from the beating
>wake up from coma in 2028
>have my trial and is found guilty of hatecrime
>in 2028 it's also illegal to be a white CIS male
>the punishment is death by the electric chair

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>bring my sister with me to see a movie
>I'm chosen as dedicated theatre rapist for the day
She was very proud of me.

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>be me
>be employed at local kino
>some sperg is walking towards me
>"p-please two tickets for Lalaland, s-sir." he mumbles
>tell him we have a no-singles-policy, and that he wont fool me by buying two tickets
>says his girlfriend will be here any minute
>mfw she actually arrives 20 minutes later and I have to allow them to buy tickets
>pretty average looking girl, nice jawline
>they are the last to enter the showroom and the trailers for the commercials have already started
>since the shooter felt a bit sick today and I offered to take over his shift, Im starting to clean my rifle and ammo up
>still have time till the appointed shooting so I do a round of penis inspection in the theater
>kino is pretty high end so we have a drone for it to do it during the movie
>Ryan Gosling is singing at the moment so I take the opportunity to do a flyover
>Spot an anomaly around where I knew the sperg and his girl from earlier must be sitting
>"Discrepancy code 88: registered female has male genitals"
>Immediately call it in with my supervisor
>He greenlights his arrest, tells me not to kill him
>Immediately put on my operator gear and facepaint, thank god I already readied my m16 earlier
>enter the cinema sewers until Im directly underneath the sperg and his "girl"
>Jump out and try to yell "ITS A TRAP", but Im so excited and my voice fails me half way through
>They realize whats happened, sperg is yelling something in yiddish while the trap makes a run for it climbing over rows of seats
>Security falcons immediately deploy and maul her to death
>While they are busy I hear a swift sound from overhead
>He has his own falcon, way more jewish and way stronger than ours
>How the hell did he sneak him in here
>Remember the penis-inspection-drone
>Its sharp metal rotors easily cut through the falcons flesh
>I handcuff him and read him his rights
>mfw he got off easy because his dad know the manager
>mfw i got no tip for the shooting later because the mud from the sewers broke my m16

>>79061588
>no singles policy

What?

>>79070858
Where have you been the last 10 years?

How do you guys deal with the theater dentist? I got fined for $300 dollars last time I went to watch a kino because I had popcorn in my teeth

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>Go to local kino center
>Movie trailers start
>"Any moment now"
>Movie start
>"Any moment now"
>Middle of the movie
>"Ok, where the fuck is he?"
>Movie ends
>What the fuck
>No shootout
>What the actual fuck
>I didn't pay $77 and my foreskin to see no shooting
>Take my complaint to the American Bureau of Kino and Gun Control
>They find my story hard to believe
>Show my movie ticket and prove I have no gunshot wounds
>They're amazed
>I threaten to make it a federal case
>They fire the gunman for slacking off and offer me his job
>mfw I'm the kino gunman now

>>79070874
Here?

>>79070358
That escalated quickly

New York. Early Seventies, maybe '73 or '74. I was in the city on business. Business taken care of, I got together with a friend, a writer from Texas who loves movies as much and as indiscriminately as I do. The ritual: the movie crawl. Load up on junk food, start at the first movie theater on the downtown side of 42nd Street, and just work our way from Times Square to 8th Avenue, cross the street, and work our way back to Times Square. Days. Endless days. Twenty-four, thirty-six, forty-eight hours straight time in the dark. We eat in there, sleep in there, piss and daydream in there. Hot dogs, popcorn, slabs of cheese, munchies, French bread, anydamnthing. And we see them all: the good flicks, the bad flicks, the kung-fu operas, the porn jobs, the superfly stomp the paddy flicks . . . all of them. One after another, till our eyes turn to poached eggs, staggering from theater to theater like refugees from a Macao opium den.

>cont

>>79070858
>>79070897
first time in these threads? the no single policy have been in motion a long time now.

>>79070930
I don't remember the name of the particular theater, but it was on the uptown side of 42nd Street, close to Broadway. It was something like four in the morning. My buddy and I were almost totally cacked-out. I remember the double-bill, however. The lower half, the B feature, was Fear is the Key, a really dreadful action-adventure turkey based on a crummy Alistair Maclean novel. The main feature was Save the Tiger, a contemporary drama starring Jack Lemmon. He won the Oscar for the role in that film.

And there we slumped, way the hell up in the balcony, our knees jammed under our chins, best seats in an almost empty house. Four ayem. Two rows below us -- and it was steep up there, what I'm talking here is damned near per-pen-dic-u-lar -- some black dude was juiced out asleep, lying across three or four seats, snoring.

>cont

>>79070960
>the no single policy have been in motion a long time now.

Okay...not here though.

>>79070965
My buddy the Texas writer is dead asleep, having polished off a recent meal of three boxes Good'n'Plenty and a frozen chocolate covered banana on a stick. And, blessedly, Fear is the Key ends, and Save the Tiger begins.

About ten minutes into this serious, sensitive study of a garment center guy who is killing himself with floating ethics, and from the very first row of the balcony, below and to the right of us, but still very high above the floor of the theater, I hear a shrieky black voice start mouthing off. Dialogue straight out of ONE HUNDRED DOLLAR MISUNDERSTANDING.

"Muh-fugguh! Gahdamn muh-fugn stupid piece'a shit. Dumb sunbish cah-suckin' piece'a shit garbage . . . Leroy! Hey, you sumbish niggah prick Leroy! Le's get th' fuggoutta here, Leeeeeroy!"

>cont

>>79071000
Clearly, the critic in the first row of the balcony found this deeply penetrating study of middle class morality as seen through the dissolution of Jack Lemmon's knock-off sweat shop less than relevant to his existence as a mid-Twentieth Century denizen of the shitty slum to whence he would wend his way once this stupid kike film about muh-fuggin' honk paddy bastids ended. Which wasn't soon enough for him. "Leeeee-ROY!"

I had the feeling that Leeee-ROY was the terminal case lying over the seats two rows below us. Out of it.

Well, I peer through the gloom and see the dude down there in the front row of the balcony, his feet up on the brass rail, his partner beside him, silently watching the film but not stopping the noise. And I watch the two of them for a little while, hoping the third member of the group, good ole Leeee-ROY, will bestir his ass and go rejoin them there sepia Athos and Porthos, and maybe just maybe vacate the site quietly so I can watch the goddam muhfuggin' movie.

>cont

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>>79070197

>>79071032
But no such luck. The critic only gets wonkyer, yelling at the top of his lungs. Leeee-ROY don't twitch a bun.

And just as the critic is reaching a pitch that will cause sonic tremors, squealing sunbish and muh-fugguh at the top of his lungs, from behind me I hear The Voice of Doom:

"Shut your face, nigger, before I come down there and kill you."

Pause with me for a nanoinstant. This was not one of those angrily shouted shutups one encounters all-too-frequently these days in pillbox-sized Cinema I/II/III/IV closets filled with slopebrowed, prognathous-jawed pimplebrains who jabber endlessly as though they were still in front of the tube in their living room. This was -- trust me -- the most blood-curdlingly threatening voice I have ever heard. It was the kind of voice one suspected would accompany the body attached to the moving finger writing mene mene tekel in letters of fire. This was an abominable snowman, a tyrannosaurus, a behemoth, a stone righteous muh-fuggin' killer. Deep, resonant, commanding, powerful . . . and very very black.

>cont

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>>79070834
>way more jewish and way stronger than ours

>>79071063
I don't want to belabor this but whoever or whatever was sitting back up there behind my Texas buddy and me, it was bad.

Beside me, I felt the hand of my Texican partner on my wrist. Softly, he asked, "What the fuck was that?"

"Voice of Doom," I said. "Pretend we're black. Better still: pretend we're at another theater."

All this happened in a second. And only an idiot would have talked back to the owner of that voice. Guess whose name was in the envelope in the category of Most Outstanding Performance by an Idiot? You got it: Leeee-ROY's buddy with the scoop shovel mouth.

>cont

>>79069948
>come get your latte before 12pm this Wednesday and get an STD for Free!

>>79070279
Prostitution is legal in my country.

>>79071100
Is violence important in this life?

The critic started shrieking, "Who said that? Who said that gahdamn shit t'me? You c'mawn down here, nigguh, I'm gonna cut'chu! I gonna cut on you, nigguh muh-fugguh!"

And he did go on. And on and on. "Oh shit," I murmured, slumping down even deeper in the seat, till my knees were up around my ears like a grasshopper. Beside me, my Texican buddy was praying in High Church Latin, Yiddish and Sufi, all at the same time.

I do believe that the joker down in the first row of that cockroach-ridden movie house was the single dumbest sonofabitch I have ever encountered; and what happened next was the swiftest, most deadly moment of violence I have ever seen.

>cont

>>79071128
Motormouth was still working over the conjugation of to cut when suddenly and without warning there was a rush of wind past me, down those steep steps, fast, fast, so damned fast I couldn't make out whether it was a human or a yeti or simply some terrifying force of nature, and all I saw was a dark blur as something BIG went smoothly down to the front row, something GIGANTIC moved into that row . . . and that stupid sonofabitch joker just stood up, still working his wet jaw . . . as if he could do something against that HUGE dude come to silence him . . . and that monstrous black fury just grabbed Motormouth by the shirt front and yanked . . . and pitched him headfirst over the rail.

I heard a terrified scream as the guy fell, and then a sickening crack! like the snapping of a T'ang dynasty chopstick, and then there was silence.

The only sounds were Jack Lemmon talking about what emotional violence he was suffering.

Shut up, Lemmon.

>cont

>>79071150
No one in the theater moved. There weren't that many people anyhow. Just my buddy and me and sleeping Leeee-ROY and the buddy of the guy who'd taken the dive . . . and that humungus shape. In the balcony. And if there was anyone down below, they weren't saying anything.

The diver's buddy didn't move or look around or say a word. He just sat there staring straight ahead, as if he could not possibly have found anything more interesting in the universe to think about than Jack Lemmon's problems. The dark shape moved back up the aisle . . . I didn't look left or right . . . I saw nothing, Jim, nothing . . .and it went up past me and was gone.

I watched that entire flick in silence. No one moved to see if the diver was still alive. After a moment's wait the diver's buddy slipped out of the balcony like oil washing down a gutter, and gone. From below . . . nothing.

>cont

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>>79061588
>get denied entry to the cinema because I failed the penis inspection
>my falcon and his boyfriend's son can go freely

Why is this allowed

>>79071180
And when the film was finished, and the lights came up, we rose, and turned slowly. The balcony was empty. Leeee-ROY was still tabula rasa. Just us, all alone. I looked at my buddy from Texas, and he looked at me, and without saying a word we walked down that precarious stairway and came to the railing and peered over.

The diver lay across the back of a shattered seat. He was bent double. Stomach up. His spine was broken. He didn't move. The theater was empty. We walked back up the aisle, through the upper vestibule, down the winding staircase, into the lobby, and out. We didn't look back. No one could help the diver. We wanted to get away.

We never spoke of it to each other.

It was sudden. Not a word. Not a second threat. No false heroics like two stumblebums in an alley outside a bar. No feinting, and no swinging. He just threw him; launched him out into eternity. And walked away from it. Because he was being disturbed in a movie.

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>>79070930
>>79070965
>>79071000
>>79071032
>>79071063
>>79071100
>>79071128
>>79071150
>>79071180
>>79071204

>go to cinema alone
>feet and armpits get all sweaty
>can't bare to look the stub collector in the eye
>make my way to my seat
>nothing but row after row after row of happy, attractive couples
>squeeze past a line of cute teenagers
>can hear them whisper to each other, probably about me
>trip over one of their legs
>smack my head on an armrest
>soda and popcorn goes everywhere
>basically full on crying at this stage
>eventually get to my seat
>can feel everyone staring at me
>distinctly hear someone say "how pathetic"
>pit in my stomach plummets
>feel a sharp jolt
>I'm lying in bed
>it was all a bad dream
>roll over and spoon my girlfriend
>she reaches around and gives my raging member a playful squeeze

Anyone else know this feel?

>>79063446
Well if it's the latest, then you're talking about Doctor Strange. And that movie was dank, boy. Get off my board.

>>79065636
Falcons is a late reddit addition, don't pretend otherwise

>be me
>in theater
>watching final scene of drive
>a real hero starts playing
>the driver blinks
>suddenly a wave of euphoria rushes over me
>I reach to pop the collar on my scorpion jacket
>I realize that I haven't bought one yet because I didn't know about it until watching this film which isn't over yet
>wait until the the very last frame of the credits before leaving the cinema, which is standard patrician viewing procedure
>head out to the snacks counter
>qt and fat dude serving
>start sweating
>avoid qt and go up to fat dude
>ask for a couple of crabs legs to tape onto the back of my white polo
>he shakes his head and shoots me the look that the kids at school usually give me
>feel sick fury build deep from within my stomach
>go out to parking lot
>wait hours for his shift to be over, nearly pass out
>he finally heads over to his car
>it's a Chevy Impala
>the most popular car in the state of California
>no one will be looking at him
>or so he thinks
>wait until he gets in
>leap onto roof
>pull pants down
>try to unleash epic seafood turd
>forgot about the jumbo two liter coke consumed whilst watching the movie
>start pissing uncontrollably
>cargo shorts are completely drenched
>he starts the car
>tumble backwards off the roof
>land on my neck
>can't feel my body anymore
>bowels release themselves loudly
>onlooker runs up to me
>"What the fuck are you okay?"
>look her in the eye
>stare intensely whilst smirking in a cool way
>"I guess there truly are no clean getaways"

>>79064618
>>Panic because I forgot to bring my hand gun
>not always having two guns
goddamn europeans

>>79070249
Tell me you tipped him before pushing him in...

>>79071347
fuck off, brent

>>79071634
I don't get it.

>>79068671
It makes sense with /tv/, because theaters these days are serving more and more actual food like mid-movie pizzas and soups. So jokes about way-too classy meals at theaters was a joke in general before it was a joke here. The crableg thing was just the natural destination.

>>79061784
>didn't bring his portable spit to roast a hog while he hunts monsters in the lower wilderness area

>>79071664
You know what you did. Get back to polishing snowboards for the rich folk

>desperate to see xXx: Return of Xander Cage
>say goodbye to my facebook friends and text my mom I love her
>leave a shilling for the maid and a letter to my landlord apologising for the lack of rent and an IOU
>get down to the street and make my way past the beggars and drunkards
>see an old stubborn horse being lashed to death
>want to say something but I don't want to miss the movie
>get to the kinovniki
>waiting in line
>there's a big delay because an babushka didn't have the right papers
>many peasants here trying to get a pass
>ugh, Petrovich is at the booth
>present my papers, my rank as a student gives me high regard
>I'm accepted and let through the first gate
>at the physical inspection, be told to run laps
>don't know how many laps is sufficient, and they never tell you to stop
>eventually vomit bile from my empty stomach
>keep going
>pass out
>sufficient
>sign myself into bondage to pay for the ticket
>get shown to the carriage
>carriage unfolds into 4D space and drops through the gravity well
>falls through the warp gate at the centre of the earth
>travels through the stantsiya until we get to the xXx cinematic universe
>it's completely deserted
>watch the movie on repeat at the auto-cine
>don't know how to get back, and I'm starving
>decide to steal some popcorn
>a bureaucrat pops out the popcorn mountain and accuses me of being a spy and a thief
>he deports me to the offices of the cine-organs
>sentenced to 1000 years hard labour, and 2000 years working off my ticket debt
>it was only a week's debt when I left but I forgot about the relativistic inflation incurred by travelling at kilolight speed
>injected with nano machines that prevent me for ageing
>body becomes deformed from machines after 100s of years
>covered in tumours and compound eyes
>after aeons the planet is invaded by imperialists
>they put me in a zoo
>trapped there forever watching humanity evolve into slender metallic beings with many limbs
movie didn't live up to the hype

>>79071501
pure kino pottery

>>79071776
It's gone too far wtf.

>>79071776
This all could have been avoided if you had simply brought your falcon with you

>>79063446
>ask my girlfriend
immersion fucking broken

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>Go to discount screening of Vacation
>Pick up bathing token along with three nails pryed from the hands of an albatross
>the water in the showers is hot, excruciating
>try to escape but something forbids me
>flailing arms pound against a barrier unseen
>No blasphemy escapes my lips, but the liquid fury makes me repeat horrible cries
>"Pardon, my god! Pardon, Lord!"
>The shower ends. My assigned shooter looks at my burnt, trembling body and takes pity upon me
>Points his gun at the Master Inspectress and kneels beside me to help me to my feet
>He drags me to my seat where I stare at the empty screen, the fabric of the seatbelt tearing boiled skin from my lap
>A lidless eye wreathed in flames emerges
>I feel nothing. I am nothing.
>My legs leave my body, loafers falling off from pointed feet
>I look down at my shattered claws, succulent meat still clinging to the inside
>"Aye" chants the crowd
>"My job is tough", sings the blacksmith
>He begins a choreographed dance with the shooter and the inspectress
>Try to speak but choke on butter
>When death comes for all as it will and as it must, no one will mourn you

Holiday Road

KINOTHREAD

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>be in my village
>normal day, weaving a loin cloth from leaves, watching the hovercars and rockets fly overhead
>thinking about how I will never leave, and that suits me fine
>about to sacrifice my sisterwife when the herald appears
>30 hands high and gleaming like the sun
>tells the whole village that I have been selected to witness La La Land
>fall to my knees crying
>he touches me on my chest and the world flashes
>suddenly I'm flying in the air watching the jungle burst into flames
>my family is running around on fire screaming
>what an honour for them, I am so glad
>the herald smiles at me and tells me to sleep
>I wake up standing, in a crowd of thousands
>popped corn rains from the heavens
>hear piano music
>I think about that day
>I left him at a greyhound station
>the sky lights up with moving pictures
>the crowd is jumping and crying with joy
>fall to my knees
>what delights, what a blessing
>unroll my penis and spin it around as a traditional sign of happiness
>suddenly the movie shuts off
>the ground shakes as an overseer makes an announcement
>"everyone stand still"
>of course we do it
>clouds form in the sky
>a lightning bolt cracks the sky in two and shoots my cock off
>it flies into the air
>sharpshooters blast it to smithereens before it hits the ground
>the scraps of my penis and flakes of burnt semen shower the audience
>another blessing!
>my groin is black and scorched so it doesn't bleed
>watch the end of the film
>oldschool hollywood at it's best
>get taken back to the field of ashes that once was the lush forest containing my village
>lay down on my back with a smile on my face
>die of thirst

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>be German
>want to see the new forklift documentary Gabelstapler 4 in cinema
>get stopped by jew police because my Volkswagen emits too much gas
>have to walk 6 million steps in shame, apologising for WWII
>brings me closer to the cinema, at least
>can only enter if I pray to Angela Merkel and the Qur'an
>get my crab legs with Bretzeln and a barrel of Sauerkraut
>theater is packed with refugees in sleeping bags
>want to be friendly as greet them saying "Grüß Gott!"
>they complain at the designated cinema construction site because I hurt their feelings
>two guys who wanted to work while watching the movie come over and beat me up
>make me sign a contract that I give my house to refugees
>even eat my Sauerkraut
>I leave ashamed, apologising for what I did on my way out
>watch Gabelstapler 3 at home instead

Great movie, honestly. Especially the part where he has to work extra hours.

Is that no singles policy really a thing in America?
What's wrong with watching a movie alone?

>>79072847
>"Grüß Gott!"
Go back to /pol/ with your hitlerspeech

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>walk into 3 hour kino screening
>forget to bring fartbag

>Be top kinosseuré locally
>get my title taken by someone who wrote a 10/10 review for the latest marvel flick

>>79063446
>buy beer at the theaters

Yeah I call bullshit buddy.

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>Rogue One finishes.
>Cinema sniper fires a rubber bullet at me because he saw me sleeping.
>Security pulls me out.
>Get told I have to work the Popcorn mines before I can leave.
>Work there for THREE. FUCKING. DAYS.
>They won't even let me make a phone call.
>Got to eat lots of the popcorn I mined though.
It's dark as fuck in the mines.

>>79065488
spaghetti was pretty early, definitely before no singles

>>79073192
Spaghetti is a pretty old meme at this point and came from /v/.

>>79071713
Honestly, this should be implemented at bass pro shop.

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>>79064618
THAT WAS YOU??

>tfw applied my 7.92 resistance spray for nothing
>tfw I'm out $79.99 plus tip

I miss the stack of fedoras, twirl cape, socks and birkenstocks integrated into the cinema visits

>>79072987
Yeah it's because of the shootings. Can't trust weird loners you know.

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>Sitting in the cinema watching the newest Joss Whedon knee slapper by me lonesome around five bong at ye olde matinee
>Tossing some toasty corn poppins in me mouth because that's how I eat innit
>Suddenly out of nowhere this black hand latches onto me fuzzy bits
>I think it's a muslim and scream U WOT M8 while reaching for me butterknife I smuggled out of the Tesco
>Give that darkskinned chap whatfor
>The lights come on and I realize it's a cinema ninja
>Tear off his mask
>It's me dear old Dad
>I suddenly remember he was fired from his job as a chimney sweep and had to become a cinema ninja to support me mum
>His dying words are "Oi, ya cunt... I was just trying to clean your foreskin for yeh m8..."

>Be European
>Going to Kinematografo alone
>Luckily here you can enter even if you're alone, but only if you pass some tests
>Penis inspection was okay
>The cavities one, too
>Pass easily the test where you have to recreate a scene of Muhammed's life, thanks also to my falcon's disguise (Zhe was adorable with zix fake beard)
>Sign a petition to ban that fascist of Trump and one another for gettings more refugees
>Finally I can enter
>When the people are going to their seats the designated terrorist mauls 15 of them, with xos truck, an 8/10 job I'd say
>Finally watch the latest Kino that tells how much nazist pigs are us Europeans
>An excellent experience, I think the next time I'll wait for the truck in front of the truck doors

>be Greek
>we have no cinema any more
>pay denbts instead

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>tfw was forced to fuck my mom in front of the authorities to prove that she was my gf
>tfw got charged with perjury when they called us back for DNA testing
At least I won't get charged with virginity if I go to the movies after I serve my sentence.

>>79074311
>tfw was forced to fuck my mom

that gets my willies rollin' if ya know what I mean

>>79061588
>go to my local kino emporium on a tuesday after noon
>do this because I am alone and dont have a gf and dont want to draw attention to my undiagnosed crippling autism
>order my ticket at the automated machine out front to avoid talking to the front ticket selling lady, my stutter is embarrassing
>get to the ticket ripper dude
>he takes one look at me and chuckles under his breathe (one of those short snorts that he barely catches in time to avoid offending me)
>he bites his lip and in a barely restrained from bursting out laughing voice tells me to enjoy my movie
>avoid getting snacks because I was so humiliated and instead go straight to the bathroom to throw up
>wipe my tears with toilet paper and go into my movie 20 mins after the start to avoid detection while its dark
>there are other people in the theater but I decide to sit close to one of the groups of teenage girls in the hopes that they notice me
>I ask them if I can have some pf their popcorn since I couldnt order it from the front
>they ask why
>I figure honesty is the best policy
>I careful explain to them that I have and undiagnosed mental disorder called autism and that talking to new people who are quick to judge makes me stutter badly which renders me unable to accomplish basic tasks
>they say they dont see why that is their problem
>offer them cash in exchange for their popcorn (x10 the ammount it cost up front)
>they still refuse and start giving me weird looks
>decide to snatch the popcorn and make a run for it
>I make it to the theater lobby before I am tackled by the security
>they take me to that little office they have by the managers room, the popcorn spilled everywhere and everyone in the lobby was laughing for some reason
>the managers explain that they will call the cops and press charges unless I pay for the popcorn and immediately leave the theater
>explain to them that I have no money even though I do (I aint no bitch)
>cops arrive at the theater

>be 27
>mom tells me she is going to take me to see the force awakens
>even bought two seats for me
>waddle to the car becaue mommy is going to let me start it while she puts makeup on for our date
>jump in the back seat because I'm old enough for the big boy seat now
>while waiting in the car a guy jumps in and robs mom's car
>he is too distracted to notice me sitting in the backseat
>I slouch in my seat deeper than ever before >after 5 minutes, just enough time for him to feel safe, I finally speak up in the monotone of a person who doesn't understand the gravity of the situation
> "I am in the backseat, AMA"
>He is shocked and terrified by my non-chalance, causing him to lose control of Mom's minivan and crash into a nearby Denny's
>he dies upon impact but I emerge without a scratch because I didn't tense up
>As I step out of the flaming wreckage, my strong legs glistening with sweat from the heat of victory, applause erupts throughout the establishment
>"Hero" the call me; a title I reluctantly accept.
>Unaffected by the commotion, I calmly walk over to a booth and beckon a beautiful Denny's waitress to me.
>"No need for a menu" I say, "I'll be having 2 of everything"
>for the first time in my life, I would eat at a restaurant without my Mom.

Was the Force Awakens any good?

has anyone else ever been put in the theater gulag?

I got 3 years hard labor for forgetting to put my phone on silent.

>>79066817
>also brought a womens jacket which I hold on my right arm when I enter

that's actually a pretty good strategy for us autists, thanks will use

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>tfw my penis inspection results were so impressive they let me in without checking on my "gf who's late"

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>>79074948
>tfw my penis inspection results were so unimpressive they confiscated my girlfriend

>>79069305
I liked it, Anon.

>go to see La-La Land in the theatre
>pop into the women's shower because the men's was full of old man dicks
>sit in the corner and masturbate quietly while I wait for the movie to start
>get some weird looks but people mostly just pass me by
>jizz
>enter the actual shower to rinse myself off (12 minutes left here, and I don't want to miss the juggler)
>Shower Guard finally spots me
>drags me naked to the theatre jail
>I have to watch the whole movie with the drug traffickers, paedophiles, and singles

This meme has gone too far. Your stories are fucking insane. You don't know when to stop. I like it though, don't stop.

>finally get into my seat
>get the heated seats tickets
>they malfunction and melt the flesh and bone from my ass
>40 extra bucks down the drain

>>79074749
>I'm in the backseat AMA
Kek

Some great surreal kino is being made here

Does anyone here know how to animate?

I would pay to see some of these stories come to life, that would be beautiful.

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>drive all the way to Kinoplex
>realise I forgot my lasagne
>fuck it the showing starts in 20 minutes
>go to the concessions stand
>order my Lasagne
>$50+tax
>got the Dorito Dust one
>receive a novelty buzzer, it's shaped like a Crab
>wait in the sauna for 15 minutes
>buzzer starts vibrating and buzzing
>go to concessions stand
>they messed up my order
>tip the the concessions supervisor $20
>tip the server $15
>take the lasagne and tip the crab $10
>go to screen
>present my ticket and government issue single viewer card
>walking up steps
>some Chad trips me up
>lasagne goes flying backwards
>hits the screen
>people start clapping and filtering out of the theatre
>some people sat waiting for the mid credits scene

>lie my way into the cimea saying my date is already inside
>movie starts
>wait this isn't right
>its not the movie i came to see
>its a movie about me
>a clipshow of all my most embarrassing moments in life
>everyone laughs
>im embarrassed and confused
>clipshow ends
>a spotlight singles me out in the audience
>voice over the PA says "this man lied his way into the cinema and is now paying the price. Let this be a warning to all"
>i get escorted out by the android ushers
I still can't figure out where and how they got those clips. It's like Truman Show or something

>>79073075
Edwards Irvine Spectrum 21 IMAX & RPX at the Irvine SPectrum, Irvine, California.

>buy 5 tickets to see La La Land
>enter line early
>guard comes over
>"Sir where is your girlfriend"
>present tickets and proudly exclaim
>"Girlfriend? My friend, I'm waiting for my Harem"
>he sighs and waves me through
>enter theatre
>take the aisle seat
>wait for the rest to come
>bunch of women come in
>take out my directional microphone
>"bzzzzzbzzzz row K bzzzbzzz"
>Quickly reposition to row K before they can get there
>sit on the aisle
>sniff all their butts as they squeeze past, occasionally muttering things like "mmmm delicious" and "oh my you are a pungent one"
>stare at them as they sit down
>get kicked out halfway through for masturbating

>drive to cinema
>barrier is down at carpark checkpoint
>guard gets out of the portaloo and opens fire with his 9mm
>drive the fuck out of there. Only a grazed shoulder and smashed rear window.
>I was lucky this time

>>79071501

>The Toyota Prius is the most popular car in the State

imagine drive opening in a prius lmao

>theater began mandatory spankings for failing the penis inspection

R-rats

>it's Segway Saturday at the Kinoplex tomorrow

I can't wait!

>>79064400
>forgetting your falcon

you deserved it

>go to cinema
>guard comes over
>informs me about the no singles policy
>I mumble something about my gf being sick
>he orders me to follow the brown line on the floor
>I know he just placed me in the singles line as I usually get to follow the green line
>nervous as fuck start sweating
>i...is this the designated shooter line ?
>I live in germany, I dont even have a gun... what do I do now
>I look around nervously... there are no gun dispensers, no ammo fuck fuck fuck I need to get a machete or something right now so I can atleast behead people
>get to the end of the line
>qt cashier tells me they have a new policy and I will be paired with a refugee to improve the integrate them better into society
>get paired with this syrian qt
>movie is in arab anyway and she translates it to me
>have fun
>after the movie I ask if she wants to go for a drink
>we get some soda as she cant drink alcohol because of sharia law
>we get along well, perfect evening

long story short I now have a gf that lives with me and will be converting to islam in a few days. everything went better than expected

>he doesn't bring a flat iron and some creased clothes to the cinema

What's your excuse? It's the perfect intermission activity and the best thing is that I usually get a discount because the designated shooter hands me his some of his shirts.

Unless you're on of those guys who prefer to visit the ball pit during the intermission.

>>79063446

name 5 movies where this didn't happen

>>79064922
I unironically do also

>visit local kinodrome
>eagerly await the shootout
>designated shooter never shows up
>people get on their phones and gives the movie low score on IMDB
>turns out the shooter was single and couldn't even make it into the theatre

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>>79076490

>>79075596
I would also like to see that. Or in comic form.

>>79064618
10/10

>post WW4 tribes will uncover the last scraps of the internet hastily stored in the memory banks massive supercomputers before the end, left to tick over slowly deep in the underground vaults of the old world
>this thread is one of the few decipherable bytes of data left
>they will be able to backtrace every poster via DNA/IP and restore us to life Jurassic Park style
>they will ask you to explain exactly what it was you meant by everything you've posted here today in early February 2017
What will you tell them?

>>79065061
falcons are ways of getting past the no-singles policy after it was put in plaec after aurora
citizens united means that falcons technically count as citizens

>>79066597
India has designated shitting streets
America has designated cinema shooters. It's been a thing for literally forever

>>79067151
I like the simple stories that actually happened like this one. I refuse to believe there are this many people who still try and sneak past the no singles policy

This thread is hypercomfy

>>79069305
>terror Tuesday

fucking kek

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>miraculously acquire gf somehow
>she suggests we go see a film
>"great idea" i say
>suddenly i remember, Reginald
>he won't like this one bit
>decide that maybe if I invite him too, he won't be upset
>treat him to a really nice day beforehand to put him in a nice mood
>buy him a pedicure, get his haircut, take him out for a meal
>he's positively glowing
>we arrive at the cinema and meet my gf outside
>I can tell Reginald is surprised but he doesn't say anything
>we head inside
>this will be the smoothest ticket purchase ever
>suddenly Reginald starts squawking and shitting everywhere
>I try to calm him down but he won't have any of it
>the staff politely inform me that if I can't keep him under control, they'll have to put him down
>I plead with them, say it's not his fault he doesn't know any better
>I'm literally in tears, my gf hugging me
>the theater shooter takes aim
>it was a clean kill, one bullet through the face
>everyone claps politely
>I tip the shooter $15 so as to not seem rude. On the inside I'm bawling my heart out still
>mfw my mom asks me how the film was and I have to explain that they put down Reginald
>at least I don't have to deal with an autistic brother anymore I suppose

>>79077019
>What will you tell them?
fuck off newfags

>>79061588
>no singles policy meme

Jesus, is it 2010? Find some new fucking material.

>>79066597
pretty sure the shooting stuff started after that guy shot up a dark knight rises screening

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>>79076490
Holy fuck

Hope someone screencaped all of this gold

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this thread was a fucking ride

Does the no singles policy in your area apply to both genders or just men? Here it's just males. Feels bad man.

>>79061588

I'm from Spain, your American theaters and your no single policies sound very strange to me.


>be Spanish
>attend local pelicularia (cinema)
>decide to skip the tapas/wine tasting entree and go straight to the movie
>buy one ticket for "Allied"
>fuck it, has based Pitt
>as I approach my screening the theater crier comes out and announces its the biweekly running of the bulls party
>wtfnigger.jpg
>hundreds of tourists come running through the halls chased by a bull
>the bull of course runs into the room I was heading into
>try to ignore the jumping people and focus on the previews
>the crowd disperses 20 minutes later
>movie is about to begin
>suddenly theater gypsy flamenco band comes out of nowhere
>justkillmealready.png
>hope nobody gives them attention so they just leave
>some grandma in the front keeps throwing coins at them
>they loudly thank her over and over and sing another song for her
>the audience begins to clap and dance along
>5 minutes later the gypsies finally leave
>enjoy a good 10 minutes of the movie
>theater football coach comes in and tells everybody it's time for training
>decide to cut my losses and spend the rest of my night watching reruns of Cheers at the theater hotel's lounge

>>79069132

Yeah, Voice Cola, it's very popular nowadays. I forgot it hasn't been invented yet in your time.

>>79073258
>I burst into treats

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>>79078115
That fucking twist tho

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We need to screencap this entire thread.

>>79069411
>how is this allowed?
Buddy, it's the moviegoers' responsibility to keep up with the local laws and read the weekly updates thoroughly. Surprised they didn't send you to the mines for that Tbh

>>79069515
I usually just spray my entire body with FlexSeal™ to protect against heat and bite/scratch/slash wounds. You should too.

How do i pass the penis inspection?

This greentexting reminds me of grand old times back on /v/ in 2011...

Before the dark times, before the modfags

>visit local flickorama to see Manchester by the Sea
>about to buy ticket
>suddenly realize i'm by myself
>ask girl behind me if she'll say she's with me
>"sorry i have a boyfriend"
>start sweating
>wish my falcon was here
>oh shit i'm next
>pull out my 3ds and log onto wi-fi
>ticket girl calls me up
>"sir, we have a strict no singles policy"
>point to my 3ds and say my waifu is buying a ticket too
>"oh, you must be today's designated shooter, right this way"
>didn't even have to tip

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>>79070197
>>79070352
>>79070834
>>79070896
>>79071501
>>79071776
>>79072283
>>79072648
>>79064618
>>79073810
>>79074749
>>79075710
>>79076490
>>79078225
>>79078115
>>79080609
WE'RE REACHING POST QUALITY LEVELS THAT SHOULDNT EVEN BE POSSIBLE

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>>79066817
>>have to start collecting good boy points all over again

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>>79082895

>"oh, you must be today's designated shooter, right this way"

>too poor to own a falcon
>try to sneak in without one, but get caught and forced into the spotlight while screaming masses hurl hot tar at my naked body
>they dump a 50/50 mixture of feathers and razorblades on me and put me in a cage hanging from the ceiling above the livestock area for the next 2 years
>tfw the whole neighborhood now calls me captain falcon

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>go on first date with qt grill
>of course she's late
>cashier police don't believe I have a gf
>I don't believe it either at this point
>the screech of her falcon announces her tardy arrival
>they quickly unhand my penis and stop the inspection short
>they reiterated it was a short inspection while winking at my gf
>she blushed at admitting I was her friend this evening
>Jerome the movie police gets her Snapchat
>during the commotion, a mass drop in the collective blood sugar in the room from the stress caused a run on snacks
>have to rely on a unknown falcon trained by a girl who is always late to secure my crabs legs
>mfw he brought back lobster

I wonder how many people in the world know /tv/ memes.

>>79084083
38, tops.

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>live in a small college town where the school only offers Engineering degrees
>because of this they allow people to bring a waifu pillow to comply with federal "no singles" laws
>forgot my damn waifu back at home
>movie about to start
>have to use the shitty waifu pillow vending machine just outside
>swipe my gbp card
>forgot that I spent it all the week before to buy my friend's falcon collection
>go home to torrent the movie
>movie coming to a close when I get a knock on my door from the FBI
>worried they're going to throw me in jail for torrenting
>instead they show me NSA footage from my laptop camera that I didn't clap enough during the movie
>mfw they suspect me of being a commie
>run to the door containing the falcon collection
>tfw the falcons are starved and crazed from being cooped up so long
>open the door and duck for cover
>rideofthevalkyries.jpg
>FBI are completely eviscerated and eaten alive
>realize my laptop camera was pointing at the scene
>get a call from the NSA
>they're so impressed by my brutally effective, falcon-based home defense system that they promote me to Chief Theater Shooter for my area
>get showered in medals
>mfw

>tfw my local movie theater has an unironic NSP

>>79065061
It all started in some dumb SNL skit

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>feeling suicidal
>decide to go to cinemas
>get the scarecrow that I disguised to look like a girl so I can get past the no singles policy
>pray I don't get selected to be the designated shooter
>hear the ticket girl whisper to the guy in front of me that he's the designated shooter
>buy a ticket to the same movie he's going to
>get my picture taken and thumbprints recorded
>get into theater, the scarecrow barely gets me past the bloodhounds
>trip on an anvil while climbing the stairs
>drop my scarecrow, its head falls off
>quickly put it back on, hoping nobody notices
>a few people see but they're preoccupied trying to quiet down their falcons
>they're screeching at the scarecrow
>oh shit
>get swarmed by dozens of falcons
>they tear apart the scarecrow
>quickly run to the showers and try to blend into a crowd of men
>one of them notices I don't have a tag on my penis
>fuck, I forgot to get my penis inspected
>he starts yelling, security runs in and arrests me
>15 years of solitary confinement
>mfw

>>79071713
This is a good addition to a solid meme.

>>79070834
>and maul her to death
this is a progressive post desu

>>79071776
jesus christ

>>79076490
jej

I come to these threads to laugh but this is all too much, I'm out.

so is the nsp only an american thing, or do europoors have them too?

soon we will find out... wakey wakey europoors

>>79087036
shut the fuck up retard

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>>79071776
>>covered in tumours and compound eyes

>>79084083
The perfect number, Tbh.
Enough that we can have sustainable threads, but not so much that the meme is diluted.
It also helps that this is a maximum effort meme that only works when well-wielded. Normies can only process/regurgitate the simple things like "blah blah how bow dah lol." Compare that to things like >>79070197 and >>79070352 which are extremely abstract and surreal, or >>79070834 and >>79064618
which take the concept to incredible levels of honest absurdity.
This meme just has more depth and variation than anything else out there. It has so much potential for continued development while still retaining the familiar elements that made it what it is in the first place.
thanks for reading my blog

>>79064537
Quite pungent

>>79077166
>citizens united
Do I have to incorporate my falcon?

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>>79064537
>sitting in a row all by my lonesome
>feel a big ol farteroo comin on
>let the wild thang loose
>what n tarnation?!?
>mfw it's liquid lightning
>mfw the turd toads underneath he seats couldn't even slurp it all up before they were full
>mfw I was made honorary sheriff of screentown

>>79064600
But who were feathers got?

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This entire thread, holy shit