>Female barbarians step into the inn >They are unfamiliar

Can I roll persuasion and ask them if they can maybe chill?

>>54189544
>Male barbarians step into Rome
>They are unfamiliar and uncomfortable with their new surroundings

>barbarians step into the city
>they are unfamiliar and uncomfortable with their new surroundings

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>>54189544
>Space marines walk up stairs
>They are unfamiliar and uncomfortable with falling through them

>Female barbarians step into the inn
>They have British accents

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>>54189567
Oh I'd say they were very comfortable

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>>54189544
I'm surprised, I'd thought they'd love the décor.

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>>54189544
Wait, what are they, stone age nomads? Most barbarians would at least be familiar with longhouses which serve a similar niche as an inn.

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>The concept of private defecation is alien to them

>>54189636

Maybe these are super-barbarians.
You know, the kind that live in mountain glades.

>A barbarian walks into the inn. Through an obscure geography of forests and marshes, the wars brought him to this inn from the banks of the Danube and the Elbe, and perhaps he did not know he was going south and perhaps he did not know he was fighting against the name of Rome. Perhaps he professed the Arrianist faith, which holds that the Son's glory is a reflection of the Holy Father's, but it is more congruous to imagine him a worshipper of the Earth, of Hertha, whose covered idol went from hut to hut in a cow-drawn cart, or of the gods of war and thunder, which were crude wooden figures wrapped in home-spun clothing and hung with coins and bracelets. He came from the inextricable forests of the boar and the bison; he was light-skinned, spirited, innocent, cruel, loyal to his captain and his tribe, but not to the universe.

>The wars bring him to the inn and there he sees something he has never seen before or has not seen fully. He sees the day and the cypresses and the marble. He sees a whole whose multiplicity is not that of disorder; he sees a city, an organism composed of statues, temples, gardens, rooms, amphitheatres, vases, columns, regular and open spaces - and inns. None of these fabrications (I know) impresses him as beautiful; he is touched by them as we now would be by a complex mechanism whose purpose we could not fathom but in whose design an immortal intelligence might be divined. Perhaps it is enough for him to see a single arch, with an incomprehensible inscription in eternal Roman letters. Suddenly he is blinded and renewed by this revelation, the City. He knows that in it he will be a dog, or a child, and that he will not even begin to understand it, but he also knows it is worth more than his gods and his sworn faith and all the marshes of Germany. The barbarian abandons his own and drinks in the inn. When he dies on his grave they inscribe words which he would not have understood.

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>>54189656
Actually I hate watersports/scat, but I've been waiting for a chance to use this .gif

Imagine sleeping outside under the open sky every single day of your life.

>>54189636
How did the Mongols or Huns drink communally? I doubt their mobile societies had much in the way of inns, but they must have had alcohol and a communal place to serve and drink it?

>>54189716
Your talents are wasted here, Anon. That was more evocative than some published fiction I could name.

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>>54189544
>It's a gaybar

>>54190477
Huns and Mongols had fairly large communal yurts, I think
Easy to have big houses when you can fold them and take them on horseback

>>54189622
GAULED.com

My barbarian loves to rape

>>54190652
would pay for premium subscription

>>54190531
then
>let's start a war

>>54191625
perhaps even
>start a nuclear war

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>>54189544
>barbarian
>unfamiliar with wine, women, and song
Get this poser out of my tavern

>>54190609
Communal yurts, yes. But an inn? There's a difference between a family gathering place and a community gathering place.

>>54190652
This post is so fucking good you deserve a gold star

>>54189544
>buy them all drinks and try to make sure everything goes smoothly for them
>make friends with a group of badasses
>check to see if I find any of them attractive, and if so, try to get to know her better
Good idea? Bad idea?

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>>54192809
>trying civilized courtship

Barbarians don't beat around the bush; they see what is good and take it. Anything less and you're just another pencil-necked bureaucrat hurling gold at a savage.

>>54193141
Okay, so replace line three with
>check to see if I find any of them attractive, and if so, ask "would you like some making fuck, berserker?"

Now is it a good idea?

>>54193195
>"would you like some making fuck, berserker?"
>Now is it a good idea?

Yes, now it's a great idea.

>>54193195
"...and that's how are bard got decapitated."

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>>54192809
>>54193141
>>54193257
>>54193195
>>54193398

you have to eat all the eggs

>>54189622
Why is that little girl naked in the street.

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>>54193398
>"...and that's how are bard got decapitated."
>are bard
>are

This makes me extremely angry for reasons I know all too well.

>>54189544
>>54189716
That's standard for byzantine diplomacy, to bring the barbarians and make them silly of how impressive and wealthy Constantinople is.

Take a look at this:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bureau_of_Barbarians

>>54189544
You and me both sister.

Seriously I am never comfortable when I step into any room..

;__;

>>54193507
Phone autocomplete is a bitch, innit?

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>>54189656
>that period of western civilization when allowing someone to see you in the vulnerable act of defecating was considered a display of respect and esteem
>when an important man felt a bowel movement coming on he would line up all of his appointments outside of his toilet in reverse order of importance, meeting them one by one from the throne
>the one who got to actually sit in with him while he did the deed was his most respected friend

>>54193553
President LBJ did that. When he was meeting with his staff if he had to take a shit he would just have them come into the bathroom with him.

He also talked about his dick a lot, like, a WHOLE lot

>>54190477

I don't know if they did inns in any way like we know the idea -- when everyone's part of the family and the entire faimly carries their house/sleeping area/kitchen with them, it's hard to envision the idea of a house for strangers to sleep in.

That said, the Mongols had wrestling matches where, in between the bouts, everyone would drink fermented goat's milk and get ripped.

This one time, Ghengis Khan had three teams, of learned Christians, Buddhists and Muslims debate each other (and drink fermented goat's milk inbetween bouts). As I recall, the Christians ran out of arguments first and started singing hymns. The Muslims followed suit and started reciting the Koran, and the Buddhists began meditating.

The Mongols had fun.

>>54189544
I swear to fucking god, that had better not be her period blood.

>>54193827
i was about to say the same thing.
but im like 102% sure it is.

>>54189716
That was good. I like that its the direcf opposite of Conan the Barbarian.

>>54193513
>Byzantine bureaucracy somehow staffed by barbarians

>>54193553
sauce please

>>54189610
i laughed

>>54193487
The city is being sacked

Why do you THINK

>>54193487
Welcome to 4chan.

>>54189544
They better start to be, their -4 STR puts them already at a disadvantage!
;^)

>>54190477
It's a very slightly modified Borges bit m8. Story of the Warrior and the Captive Maiden.

>>54193487

Rome was a crazy place. I'm not even kidding.

>>54193590
>He also talked about his dick a lot, like, a WHOLE lot
But didn't he have a glorious tallywacker?

The man was a goddamn lunatic. IIRC, he called people who disagreed with him into the bathroom while he was in the bath or something, then get out and refused to cover himself while he was arguing. The man was tall too, so he physically imposed on people by leaning over them until they voted the way he wanted.

One of the few presidents that get to near-Jackson levels of nuts once you adjust for the time period.

>>54193590
Winston Churchill did something similar, he took a lot of meeting when he was still in the bath.

>>54193553
Prove you're (not) shitting us, Anon... I have now put my faith in you.

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>>54189544
>Female barbarians step into the inn
>They're a weird bunch, unfamilliar with the concept of personal space
>After a while they actually turn out to be funny and likeable individuals who always have a story to tell
>After a while, their visit to the inn becomes a monthly event everyone looks forward to

Never really studied much into ancient Rome but where did the continent wide spanning empires army go that they couldn't defend their own capital?

I know the tore ass up and down and way downtown taking and retaking cities and stuff all the time it always seemed odd.

>>54189656
>implying it's not someone's fetish

>>54197320
Politics and bureaucracy mostly. From what I remember, emperors were weak as hell, not enough slaves were coming in so the economy tanks a bit and most of the army is made up of these German barbarians. They're promised land, they don't get the land as was promised, so they sack the whole place. It's more complicated but these are cliff notes.

>>54189544

...why is there no blood on her teeth?

>>54189716

Jesus, dude. A+. I think I'm going to print one copy for my DM notebook and a second to frame.

>>54193195
>would you like some making fuck, berserker

MY LOVE FOR YOU IS LIKE A TRUCK

>>54193590

Am Texan, can confirm. However insane you think LBJ was, you're wrong he was crazier than that.

>>54194849

It was beautiful, and apt. Borges would be proud.

>>54193530
Lack of attention is a bit worse, imo.

>>54189544
I get ready to smite them.

>>54198220
BERZERKER

>>54197726
I think the Commander of the Western Roman Armies was dealing with shit around the Rhine and Hauled ass when the Goths showed up at Rome with ill intentions but didn't make it in time.

>>54197726
>They're promised land, they don't get the land as was promised, so they sack the whole place. It's more complicated but these are cliff notes.

That's more Theodosius I you're on about that got the emperor killed and then had the Empire split.

>>54189544
Typical woman, ruining everything for men.

>>54191655
I forget, where are we doing this?

>>54193141
>male barbarian
>no body hair or facial hair
So what, he lacks the technology for pants, cutting his hair or trimming his split ends but he can afford to take an hour out of every day to full-body shave?

Is he just a gay bodybuilder and that sword is just an elaborate razor?

>>54198198
Go read Labyrinths. The full story is even better.

>>54190477
>>54190609
They had Caravanserai which were basically road houses

>>54193553

Now this is shitposting

>>54198898
At the GAY BAR, GAY BAR, GAY BAR!

>>54193827
Nope. It's her girlfriends

>>54189622
He-man was at the sacking of rome?

>>54199418

I feel like a superstar

>>54198966
His rage allows him to fire his body hair like quills from a manticore's tail. What you see is him in a brief moment of hairlessness after having just slaughtered an army of thousands.

>>54193850
2% error margin

>>54198183
She licked it off.

>>54197726
And this is why you don't recruit outsiders for your state army

>>54189622
Nah, clearly they are just awkward. I do this at every party I go to.

I have no friends now.

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>>54200792
My brain says it's fake, but my dick has never cared less

>>54200792
>>54205916

>"petite girl...almost proud of his nakedness"
>his

>>54198966
Maybe Cimmerians didn't grow facial hair. Plenty of races don't.

>>54198966
>needing specialized tools to shave.

All you need is water and a blade.

People have even used swords to shave.

>>54189544
All women are barbarians, prove me wrong

>>54206520
The whole post reading like someone who has English as a second language. Since it took place in Italy, this makes sense.

>>54189544
>Female barbarians step into the inn
You mean like a hen's party?

>>54189776
Unless they live somewhere where it never rains, this seems like a really bad idea.

>>54202598
But they're so cheap and easy to manipulate!