The Bureau

Hey, I'll get to fight bad guys. Small D.G., biker and microbiology aspirant.

I'm Lance Lambchop, demolitions and heavy weapons expert. I was born from two dads, both professional body builders, after a slip up during an arm wrestling competition. At age six I took down my first third world country dictatorship and installed democracy by force. I went on to get an education at Sheetrock University on a football scholarship, but was arrest for assault and battery. I also hate aliens.

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>>53987087
Interesting. You seem very eager, my friend, wonder how you will do out in the field. Ah, but I have forgotten in my haste to introduce myself to you. I am High Administrator Arnalius, current head of this branch of the Bureau.

Uh, I think I must've taken a wrong turn. I'm the new janitor for this building? I just started on Monday?

Y'all left the lights off and I didn't realise I wasn't supposed to come in. Man is this room filthy!

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>>53987211
Hmm, so a rule breaker. interesting. You aren't the first we've had here, and you probably won't be the last. You also hate aliens? Well, other branches of the Bureau have stopped alien invasions before so who knows, you might get to slake that raging flame.

>>53987341
What's the first assignment? Who are we taking down? What needs to be saved? How's the pay?

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>>53987251
Ah, I do remember one of the Head scientists asking for a new janitor after that incident with the demon possessed squirrels. Do be careful to mind the acidic pools of tar, my friend. Someone decided that experimenting with metaphysical energies with no safety precautions would be a good idea.

I'm just here to put enough time in as an agent so that it looks like a shock when I sell out the human race for personal gain. Where do you want me?

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>>53987362
Slow down there rookie. No need to rush headlong into things. This is more or less a way of introducing everyone, the ones you will be working with on missions. Assignments shall be given soon enough, just calm down. Payment will also be provided if that is what you so desire, though we do provide most of everything you will need here at the Bureau, so it is not strictly necessary.

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>>53987440
Ah yes, the ever-common traitor. Yes, I know exactly where to place you. You shall be 'assisting' Dr Draer in her research. Try not to die too quickly. She got very upset about what happened to the last dozen 'research assistants'.

>>53987503
You got it, chief.

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>>53987514
Have fun now. Also do be careful to not touch any of her experiments. She gets very......'agitated' when one does so.

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>>53986830
>we fight against the darkness so that others may continue to live in the light

So you're fluorescent lighting installers? We're adding a new office floor, 2500 sq ft, that needs work done if you want to provide us a quote. Are you unionized?

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>>53987713
Alright, who let the rabble in. This is going to complicate matters. Someone get the amnesiacs ready, and make sure that they haven't been switched with the kill nodes this time.

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I am eager to join, fellow human Analinus

>>53987987
Hey man, are you looking to hire any traitors, fellow human?

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>>53987810
Arnie. We've been over this. We don't keep any "amnesiacs" on hand. We release them after a quick debriefing to minimize our footprint. That's the whole point of administering "amnestics". How do you expect anyone to take us seriously if you can't even get this right?

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>>53988157
Gilberton, you do remember that incident in which most of humanity was driven insane by that hellrift
correct? That was us. Hardly anyone remembers anything concerning that incident, the only ones who DO know anything about it are either amongst the Council or they are some manner of cosmic being. Heck, your branch was the one that suggested it in the first place.

>>53988116
We defenitly could use some of those snek girls

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>>53987987
>>53988116
>>53988329
Unit "Night Seekers" please report to the briefing room. We have a little....'situation' on our hands.

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>>53986830
I am designated Vanguard Centauri X-24. I am obligated to inform you that I am currently emitting 800 μSv at the current moment, but by activating my Radium generator, I can increase such levels to anywhere near 300,000 μSv. I am armed with a Mars Pattern Taser Mace, and a 39.8k Agrippna Pattern Phosphoric Blast pistol.

Query: Where am I currently located
Query: Where is the Dominus Magos Typherius Estulken?

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>>53988671
Hm, some manner of machine based lifeform? Intriguing, but nevertheless welcome to the Bureau. You are currently located within one of our facilities, I am not allowed to state -where -this facility is, just that you are in it. As for a "Dominus Magos", I am not exactly sure who or even what that is. I will speak to the Council on this matter however, and I'll certainly try to make things comprehensible for you

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I used to be a b ball player before the 'incident' that led to the banning of the sport. They call me James, and those aliens'll be dunked in no time.

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>>53988797
Ah, by the incident you mean when that entire basketball stadium turned into a monstrous abomination that devoured everyone inside it, before making it's way through the nation eating all in it's way? Many people here fondly remember that day.

>>53988859
As difficult as that day was, I was referring to Bailey's Chaos Dunk. B ball has been through a lot in the past few years. Maybe that's what was keeping the aliens away in the first place.

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>>53988894
Ah, that. Did we ever get a proper estimate on how many people died from that? fairly certain it was in the hundreds of millions at the very least.

>>53986830
Im a daemonologist who accidentally invoked the archdaemon of competitive sports and turned a baseball stadium into a portal to the burning courts

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>>53989148
That was you? Unit "Fiend Hunters" will soon be sent to escort you to a holding cell until proper containment conditions can be provided.

>>53986830
Sir, you're literally shrouded in darkness.

>>53988671
Oh good, I was worried literally no-one else had augments around here. No idea where Estulken is, but most of the Siege Cruicibles landed OK. I imagine he'll turn up. Keep your radpack turned down, at least for now. I'd rather not liquefy already.

>>53988785

He's a cyborg, actually. Mechanicus Liason Morat-6, Genetor class five, at your service. I second the good Alpha's question, where in the Omnissiah's name are we in terms of planets? Fucking Eldar blasted us out of Warp and I had to leave half my experimental augments behind.

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Well back in MY day our bosses didn't bother with all this spooky shadow council shit.

My name is Jacky Chan. I was just a simple worker at Home Depot when the invasion started. I didn't want no trouble but they tried to kidnap a customer's baby. Sixteen ladders, three shelves of paint, and a forklift later and I found myself holding the infant on top of a hill of demons. I wanted to just keep working at Home Depot but my uncle pushed me into helping others. I'm just wondering...we don't have to actually hurt anybody, right? Cause I still don't want no trouble.

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>>53989799
A cyborg? Highly interesting. The Council may very well have strokes (not like they have actual hearts, anyway)from this information. As to the planet you're on, well on behalf of the entire Bureau, welcome to Earth.

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>>53989943
Yeah, we gave you briefcases full of money and you still ran from the first Sectoid you saw. Fucking idiots.

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What if I told you, there was another way?

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>>53986830
A Team is ready to deploy.

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>>53990025
No. Now then, Unit "Realm Menders" shall bring you down to Dr Draer for interrogation. How the hell did these wackjobs even get in here anyway?

>>53989982
>"welcome to Earth"

*Engaging noospheric analysis, local system interface successful*
*Analyzing Location and context*

Please don't punch us. I'm comparatively squishy for a Magos. As for location, I suppose I'll signal for pickup from Mars.
We'll be stuck here at least a month, either way. The Baskilion does NOT like moving ships on short notice.

>>53989986

Hey man you weren't there when those Terror Ships started coming. YOU WEREN'T THERE MAN!

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>>53990100
Just in the nick of time. We just got reports of alien forces descending on a major city. We also have reports of demon cultists in the area, so do be careful.

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>>53990117
Signal for pickup from Mars? I mean we DO have a Mars base, but the technology is still being tested. Anyway, I will have to get back to you on that. A major rift just opened off the coast of Alaska, and Mobile Unit "Fiend Hunters" has been sent to intercept.

>>53990147
Is our funding on the line?

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>Squawk

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>>53990215
No, we are not assholes. Now get your asses moving. I can already feel the rot and corruption.

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>>53990359
We're done already, actually.

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>>53986830
I HAVE BEEN TOLD YOU ARE ENGAGING IN A CRUSADE AGAINST THE XENOS INVADING YOUR PLANET. MY MEN ARE EXCELLENT AT SLAYING THE FOUL ALIEN. WE WILL ASSIST YOU, IN EXCHANGE FOR GIVING US A TAX OF YOUR POPULATION OF PSYKERS FOR 10 YEARS - OUR SHIP REQUIRES THEM TO TRAVEL, AND WE'RE BECALMED OTHERWISE.

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>>53990409
Good work then. I will question your skill in the field. did you manage to recover anything from the enemy forces? Any tomes or texts that could tell us anything about what they had been planning?

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>>53990505
we do have psychics, but I am fairly certain that they would not go with you, even if we tried to coerce them. And some of them are both utterly malevolent, and almost godlike in capacity. One of our other branches has a good many of them "contained', so we shall speak to them about this.

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>>53986830
Worked with an intelligence agency before the... are we calling it an invasion? Event? Inciden- before the Thing happened whatever it ends up being called in the history books. Not exactly James "bloody tosser" Bond but I did my training at the range, shot at people a couple times.. I'm more of an informant however, unless you really are short on arms to hold firearms.
Must say, either your boffins or budget must put my old department to shame, took a little peek through a couple doors and I thought some of this stuff was theoretical still, stuck in laboratory with labcoats trying to make it work.
...Should mention I also have a bloody massive xenophile fetish though, I just like my own species to live as well thank you very much. That's not going to be a problem is it?

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>>53990532
Nah, but we got something much better six elerium cores

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>>53990633
It most certainly won't. Just try not to kill anyone over differing viewpoints. Anyway, do you have nay familiarity with the occult or the like, because it is not just aliens we face. There are darker threats out there.

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>>53990754
SIX Elerium Cores? Dr Draer is going to freak, that's not even mentioning how Dr Relner is going to react. This could push our research in Xeno technology to whole new levels. Good job men. Go enjoy yourselves, you've earned it.

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>>53990860
We ain't called "The A Team" for nothing. Also where the hell is Central, sir?

>>53990783
Perish the very thought! Just don't be surprised how I choose to pump targets for information and we shall all get along marvellously I'm sure!

Not really my department. Quite literally, I'm sure we had something to do with the occult back in the headquarters. May have been an rumour though, when your life revolves around uncovering secrets it can be a trifle irritating to be told not to uncover one and people start theorising.
"Salt, Silver and Steel, and if that does not work start praying" is about all I was ever trained in. Rather more well versed in sidestepping psionic probes and the occult, but when you get down to it so long they die when shot with the right kind of bullet it's all the same, no?

Still can't believe the Royals really were lizard people from the dawn of time.

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>>53990941
Central is almost completely cut off from the rest of us, and mostly resides in a place outside of time. The threats they deal with are far too big for anyone else to handle, thus they keep themselves very closed off in most situations.

>Pic related, Units.

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>>53990964
Just don't start trying to show off to Dr Draer. she might get......'ideas'. Anyway, as to your questions on the occult, yes most of the lesser mooks can be handled with simple bullets, but larger entities require a tad bit more metaphysical power. You need a certain spiritual weight to even think of harming them. Thus, if you see something that is far too large to support it's own weight, has too many legs, has all the genitalia, and causing reality to fester and boil where it treads, just run.

>>53989266
Hey! I closed it shortly, we just lost the lakers.
So i overestimated by own skill, im usually reliable

>>53986830
my names johnny and i banished a daemon by playing the fiddle really well

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>>53991734
That...-thing- you summoned devoured thousands of people and drove thousands more to complete insanity before we could destroy it. We had to erase the memories of so many people, and even now I don't think we got all of them. So forgive me if I doubt your "reliability".

>>53991856
its a matter of reality reliableness, one daemon which was contained to one base stadium is pretty minor compared to the level of fuck ups that other daemonologists have preformed

>>53992136
>>53992136
*relative

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>>53991212
Ahh, I know of what you speak. Those of the greater civilized galaxy know of it as Chaos. A foul and twisted force, Chaos is a primordial power fueled by the emotions of any race capable of become psy-er, Psionics. There are 4 main "gods", immensely powerful warp entities with the ability to spawn legions of lesser daemons. As an Iron Warrior, I rarely dabble with its power, but other more fanatical warbands often call upon the gods for boons.

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>>53992160
Interesting. This 'Chaos' sounds like it shares many similarities with a lot of the things we have encountered. Of course it doesn't sound like it quite reaches the level of terror or power that some of the things other branches, and Central have faced.

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>>53992136
I understand that, but that thing still should not have been summoned in the first place. We had to erase whole families from the memories of countless people because of that. If you want to join up with this branch, you are likely going to be put on heavy probation until we are absolutely certain you won't repeat the same mistake.

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also as an aside, we would like to announce that all recruits shall be allowed to take a tour of some of our facilities if thy so desire. Do note the several of said facilities delve into terrible, unknowable things, and we do not want anyone losing their minds as a result of this.

Hello, I'm Bob. Some extra dimensional asshat who likes throwing me in to war zones from both history and fiction has thrown me in to this place now. I have drought everywhere from agincort to
tirith, Gettysburg to yavin 4 and verdun to cadia. I guess the extra dimensional asshat won't let me go home till I've done something interesting, so I guess point me wherever you need me

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>>53994330
Hmm, so you are currently dealing with an extra dimensional entity who is throwing you from dimension to dimension just for its own 'entertainment'? We have faced such entities before, and you need only give us a descriptor and we shall find and deal with the being in question. other than that, welcome to the Bureau.

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>>53988252
That's good and all but we don't need amnesiacs, we're looking for mid-range recessed modular fittings in the 5ft 25 watt range. Cheaper is better of course but I don't want any flicker giving our staff headaches.

I'm Australian.

>>53994991
Congratulations?

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>>53994955
Gosh darn it woman. I thought we ad you removed from the site. Somebody please escort her out of here, and give her those damn lightbulbs she so wants.

>>53995048
Admin wanted an introduction. Prob'ly the way people'll remember me anyway, may as well begin there aye?

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>>53995073
Yes! Help me fight the darkness! You know it is your destiny!

what da 'ell is dis? if you don't start talking ill let you see ma boom boom stick

>>53988329
Now since we're both humans obviously this is only a theoretical betrayal, but in this so called betrayal, again pure speculation, how exactly would a human become a so called "snek", and would it be a painful process or- oh shit my supervisor is here. Long live humanity.

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Xenos' knowledge, gifted and excepted Psykers AND sticking it to the dark gods.
Where in the warp do I sign up.

>>53996210
DIE YOU WITCH, YOU SHALL BE PURGED AND YOUR SKULL OFFERED TO MY LORD

>>53996238
SHUT UP YOU STUPID ASS HE MIGHT ACTUALLY BE USEFUL.

>>53996210
Say, I don't suppose you would be interested in screening their population for psykers? It would be helpful to the cause to...recruit them before our enemies get their hands on them.

>>53986830
Can I order pizza when I'm hungry? Or chinese food?

>>53997633
>>53996238
>>53996210
Hmmmmmm
what is worse a daemon pretending to be a man
or a man pretending to be a daemon

>>53997827
>>53997737
>>53997633
>>53996238
>>53996210
Don't mak me get mah fiddle

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>>53994991
>>53995231
>>53995559
>>53996210
>>53996238
>>53997633
>>53997737
>>53997827
So I go to check up on a situation that needed my full attention, and you lot start tearing each other apart. Also..

>>53995337
I am still genuinely unsure whether or not you are an actual old woman who somehow got into this facility, or some manner of daemonic infiltrator trying to corrupt us from the inside out.

>>54001039
im pretty sure these guys are daemonic in one way or another

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>>54001301
Oh, I know about the sorceror, the mad berserker, and the heavily armored war-lord, but I am honestly wondering about the old woman. There was absolutely no indication that she could have gotten past our defensive systems to get inside here, and yet here see is. Currently sending in some units to bring her down to one of the labs for necessary testing. Try to keep a close eye on her.

>>54001624
see seems non daemonic to me
shes probably just been blessed my the invisible hand of the free market
he likes to posses his followers

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>>54001755
Considering the things that I've encountered in this line of work, and the fact that many of those things are strange, alien, and terrible even if they have the weirdest names or titles, I'll take your word for it. in other news, an assignment might actually be coming your way.

>>54002295
the trick with the invisible hand is to throw a copy of atlas shrugged at him and then book it
he has to read the whole thing before he can keep chasing you and that book is LONG

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>>54002438
Sounds like a very interesting strategy. Variations on it would certainly help our agents in the field who have to deal with Fae or other entities bound to metaphysical rules.

>>54003343
it has to be a book that matching the entity and preferable is also long
your not gonna distract fae with war and peace but you might with grimms fairy tales

>>53990100
>locke
>on the A team
>with the Doom Marine
get the fuck out of here

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>>54003418
Hmm, intriguing. Anyone, we got reports of something going down in Berlin. Apparently people have been entering the Westlin Grand Hotel, and haven't been coming out. We need a team to go and scope out the situation.

Stuff like this is basically a Quest with no direction, except most Quests already didn't have any.
And yet /tg/ hates Quests.

>>54003951
I'm in

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>>54004045
Good, good. Having someone who can understand demonic forces may very well come in handy, even if you are on probation Anyone else willing to go on this Assignment?

>>54003971
If this thread gets pruned it would be justified, but until then it's fun to have 1 shitposting roleplay thread once in a while. Quests putting rules on shitpost roleplaying is what makes them shit.

>>54004152
more of a general other worldly lore and negotiating with otherworldly things and not dieing when that negotiation almost definitely goes badly
high mortality rate this job has

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>>54004239
Tell me about t. I have seen more Daemonologists die in this line of work than most others. Their arrogance when calling up otherworldly monstrosities is mostly what does them in.

>>54004348
see I know its a bad idea that will almost definitely kill me im just too damn curious to not try

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>>54004410
Curiosity killed the cat, my friend. Even Dr Relner knows when one is starting to delve too deep into forces man was not meant to know. Now if only Dr Draer could learn that...

>>54004512
Things man was not meant to know is just code for REALLY FUCKING COOL.
I have no expectation of living past forty but oh the sights ill see and things ill learn in that time!

>>53986830
Why did The Bureau go from heroes in XCom The Bureau to villains in Xcom?

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>>54004748
I doubt it will be so cool when your soul is trapped for all eternity in the belly of a cosmic horror, slowly being digested into nothingness. Anyway, we need more members for the Westlin Grand hotel mission before we can send you off.

>>54004841
Please. the first thing I learned to do was self terminate

>>54003847
>implying it's Locke and not just my friend wearing Locke's armor

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>>54005095
Eh, atleast you know something that most others tend to forget. Also, I have just received reports of Canada going up in a flaming blaze. We are currently trying to discern the reason for this.

>>54005235
50 US dollars says its a dragon

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>>54005308
Fire elemental taking the form of a dragon actually.
Most of Canada is now a flaming ruin because of it, from what I hear.

>>54005748
well. at least I know that we'll defenantly win the lax tournament

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>>54006258
Probably. Also getting reports that one of the rooms in the Westlin Grand Hotel just turned into a mass of teeth, and flesh, and bone.

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Well, I think that was most of the recruits. I have already sent for all the information gathered to be filed away for later revision, and adjustment. All that really needs to be done now is to get some people to sign up for that mission to that damned Hotel.

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>>53986830
So, I woke up this morning to this thing hugging me and calling me Daddy. I figured this was the xeno help desk, but then it turns out it's not an alien!

Well, it says it'll protect me from the "meanie invaders" so maybe you can get us a job? I can't really go back to being a software developer with... uh, Annie following me around.

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>>54008627
You seem to have some manner of minor spirit-form following you around. tell me, did you sleep with any women who seemed a tad bit...'off' to you? Doesn't even matter if it was real, or if it was some manner of dream. ESPECIALLY if it was some form of dream.

>>53994382 the Entity fucking with me is Humanoid, slightly elongated proportions, and jet black, like his form is filled with the void. I believe there are other features, but they are blurred and undecipherable. He also seems to admit a aura of pure smug that makes you want to punch him really hard.
aside, some of the crap you guys have here is sweet.
I also accidentally ended up in Dr Draer's lab after I went over there to see if anyone was injured after i heard an explosion. I managed to get away before she could "convince" me to help with experiments.
Im pretty sure she is not sane, or human

>>54011324
and I volunteer for the Berlin mission.

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>>54011324
>>54011353
Hmmm, thanks for the description. We shall look into what we can do to help your situation. Probably send for one of our more experienced units to deal with this entity. Also, stay away from Dr Draer next time. She can, and will, do horrible things to people she encounters. There is a reason we do not send many people down to her, despite her expertise and knowledge in many fields. I also thank you for signing up for the Berlin mission, the situation is getting worse from what I hear. Aside from that, I have other matters to attend to. I shall see you all later. Good luck, and stay safe. Mutare Ad Custodiam.