The king put out a call for adventurers to fight an evil dragon

>>52950152
Is she cute?

That's still a pretty significant status bump from "wandering professional murderer", so I'd so a lot of people would be perfectly happy with that offer. Besides, lots of nobles probably need professional murderer services, having an in is always good. Its a hard market to break in to.

>>52950152
Take that bitch adventuring, bitches love adventuring.
That'll get her some accomplishments.

>>52950152
Royalty, even 8th in line, is an absurd status hike.
And really, what's stopping a PC from killing seven more people who aren't nearly as deadly as a dragon?

>>52950206
Or killed.

>>52950152
I'm just glad the King permits gay marriage.

>>52950152
>What happens?

Hiring murderhobos in secret to bump off 7 people.

>>52950152

I already knew. The king has whole court full of people you know? And people likes to talk, me too.

>>52950152
The GM gets a smack for being a smug lying asshole.
>But the king didn't say WHICH daughter TEE HEE aren't I clever?
I refuse to deal with that sort of bullshit again. Fuck you.

>>52950152
I don't think anyone who sets out to slay the dragon is actually expecting to be handed the throne on a silver platter. That's just not reasonable expectations, and most adventurers would be terrible rulers for a variety of reasons. A princess is still a princess, and being able to tie your lineage directly to the royal family benefits you as much as it does the King to have a dragonslayer on speed dial.

>>52950152
I'm GM and for each of the PCs in my current campaign

>still, I get a princess, that's pretty cool

>is she hot and is she into girls?

>can I just have a bag of money instead?

>I will not even touch one of the oppressors! DIE IMPERIALIST SCUM! VIVA LA REVOLUTION!

>eighth in line for the throne
7 people are going to have "hunting accidents"

>>52950152
I ask to work seven more years for the hand of the older daughter.

>>52950152
8th in line? Time to remedy that baby.

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>>52950152
The king is okay with marrying his daughter to a woman?

The king is okay with marrying his daughter to a commoner woman?

The king is okay with marrying his daughter to a drow commoner woman? I mean, human-raised, and a fundamentally good person, but still racially a drow.

Damn, dude, that's progressive as shit. I can't even be mad.

>>52950152
As long as it comes with titles and land, I'm all in. The right to call oneself Baron or a Count and a small fief plus ties to the royal family is no small achievement for a coarse adventurer.

>>52950152
I ask if there's any other Dragons that need slaying, because there's four people in the party and everyone who loses the Rock-Paper-Scissors tournament is going to be upset.

>>52950152
Does she have huge tracts of lands?

>>52950402
The kingdom permits polygamy, and the King doesn't feel like thinking of another reward. Enjoy your new collective wife.

>>52950152
What are her stats? Class? Feats?
How young is youngest? Are we talking, like, an 8 year old, or closer to something, I dunno, legal?

>>52950152
>What happens?
We cast resurrection on the dragon.

Have fun!

>>52950152
>Marry her
>Still get to be royalty
>The marriage is loveless
>We both agree to have relationships outside our marriage as long as we keep it on the DL
>She gets to fuck around with the stable boys
>I still get to have my stable boy pucci too

Overall life would be good.

>>52950388
The king is literally auctioning his youngest off to the most murderous of murderhobos he can find, and you think he cares about being progressive or not?

He just wants to have a daughter attached to the biggest badass around, so that if any of the other kingdoms try to start shit, he can say "My youngest daughter is married to the badass that killed that one unstoppable dragon. Do you really want to see how well your army of mooks stands up to them?"

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>>52950152
The Whore of Babylon takes in another thousand cocks.

>>52950152
its still royalty - and beats most nobles by a mile, and by that point you can probably afford a estate from adventurebucks

>>52950403
this

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>>52950152
7 unfortunate accidents later and I find myself the heir to his kingdom.

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>All this talk about killing the 7 older princesses, as though things would be that simple.

At your wedding to the youngest daughter, everything is going fine and things are actually starting to get kind of boring when all of a sudden...

THE CEILING BURST OPEN AND A PRINCESS FLIES THROUGH, SWORD IN ONE HAND AND SPELL IN THE OTHER

"MR. ANONYMOUS!"
"I AM YOUR NEW WIFE'S NEXT OLDEST SIBLING!"
"CONSIDER OUR FIGHT BEGUN!"

Murderhobo Verses the World

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>>52950495
>"MR. ANONYMOUS!"
>"I AM YOUR NEW WIFE'S NEXT OLDEST SIBLING!"
>"CONSIDER OUR FIGHT BEGUN!"
>Defeat princess, have to marry her too.
>End up as the new king with seven wives and a husband

>>52950215
>Or killed.

But she's eighth in line for the throne so it's not like it'd be a big loss.

>>52950152
>Eighth in line
>Princess isn't cool with that at all
>Demands that we both kill our way to the throne
>Murder her other siblings
>King is beyond proud that his youngest daughter took the initiative to butcher her way to the crown
>She goes on to rule with a bloody iron fist and brings in a new era of order and prosperity for the land
>As thanks for helping her carve up her family into bloody gobs she grants me a harem of loli cat girls

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>>52950521

>>52950152

Why is this even a problem?

The party leader, the most powerful guy, is now nobility. Sure the daughter has no dowry, but obviously the kingdom's going to retain the party's services as walking WMDs.

The party is now on easy street, as valued agents of the Crown. I mean, if your party is Exalted or something, this is the toe-hold you need to take over, but generally it isn't necessary.

>>52950521
>seven wives

Seven older siblings, not seven older sisters.

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>>52950152
I take time getting to know her and if we are compatible I marry her. Why wouldn't I?

Is there some reason not to marry a fairly nice young woman who is likely decently educated?

>>52950230
Now we can focus on killing that lich!

>>52950152
We'll if the leader of our group gets the hand in marriage what do the rest of us get?

>>52950337
/tg/ in a nutshell

>>52950152

Big fucking woo. If the dragon was slain, expect the same for the unlucky seven.

>>52950491
Now you're thinking like a Crusader King

>>52950152
She still has a claim. And we can still push said claim.

>>52950464
>"My youngest daughter is married to the badass that killed that one unstoppable dragon. Do you really want to see how well your army of mooks stands up to them?"

The most recent NPC in a position of power I ran would be forced to respond to this with, "For the sake of science, I suppose so. I have no idea how comparable dragons and armies are, and this seems like a necessary test."

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>>52950152

That depends, is she a reasonably attractive biological woman, is she virginal, is she fine with her husband's constant murder hoboing away from home, and will I receive a minor fief in the bargain? If yes to all four, I have no reason to complain, and accept the deal without hesitation.

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>>52950215
Then you bring her back as some kind of undead monster.

>>52950152

I'm cool with that.

- huge status bump
- Dragon-slayer + son in law of the king = huge career opportunities as a general, marshall, high priest etc.
- "no significant dowry" for a princess = mid-range aristocratic title and land to match (possibly land you have to conquer yourself, but so what?)
- Already got the cash from the Dragon's hoard (and selling any dragon bits for cash)
- Waifu on the picture looks cute AF

That is before even considering any possible accidents that can happen to the people on the way to the throne.

>>52950401

What if the king just gives you a permission to go and carve a new duchy out on his border, Kingmaker-style?

I swear a dozen seperate anons have all said "kill the other 7 heirs".

And you just know they all think they're so fucking original and edgy.

>>52950152

Sweet! I mean, thou art most honoured your majesty for thy offer, which I do graciously accept!

>>52950152
Absolutely nothing, since the party consists of two already-married women and a robot. We were gonna take the lump sum anyway.

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>>52950152
The King is willing to m marry off a royal daughter to a functionally illiterate peasant knight-turned-mercenary from a foreign nation and with a background in banditry and horse thieving, that is also another woman and almost certainly a good deal older than said daughter?

I got a feeling the girl won't be too happy about it, but I can see the game being played. I'll take the deal, to aid in the stability of the kingdom if nothing else.

Dear gods, please let her be of age.

Now, I don't see her being too keen on the idea, but I think we can make this work. She'll have claim on a mid-high level knight, who /will/ teach her how to defend herself, since guards and her new spouse aren't omnipotent. If she can teach her wife to read better at some point, than it can be a fair trade. The marriage will have to be a somewhat open one, though precautions will have to be made to make sure inconvenient children don't crop up. Though to make the marriage a sealed deal there will probably still have to be consummation. Since we're both women, this will likely call for a witness, which will just be outright embarrassing. The princess won't be left wanting, though. If the king later wants an heir down her side of the family line, she'll need a prince consort of some kind.

>>52950864
I didn't say it, but it was my first thought. I certainly didn't think it was original, but I would argue that it's lack of originally precludes it from being edgy. It's just what you do

>>52950814
That...would make a lot of sense, actually. It'd kill multiple birds with one stone.

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>>52950152
>king
Que?

>>52950152
Can i get just gold instead?
At least with gold i can buy a hooker then marry and regret it forever

>>52950152
>my character is an assassin
I see nothing wrong with this.

>>52950864
>>52951029
Nigga nothing about this is edgy. It's pure pragmatism, I don't wanna kill all these people, but not as much as I want to be king.

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>>52951391
In my own way, I am the king.

>>52950495

OUR FIGHT BEGAN THE MOMENT YOU RSVPD 'Will Attend'. YOU ARE SEATED NEXT TO THE LIVE SAVING FICUS.

ITS LOVELY. GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.

>>52951003

Maybe she's a morganatic offspring? In which case, might as well to get a lock on a bunch of dragon-slayers- that's a resource worth having.

At the very least it's a good plan because any potential peasant-hero dragonslayer was going to be an intrigue plot chess piece if ever there was one. Make it only ever to have been a *royalist* chess piece.

>>52950306
You're a worthless person.

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>>52950596

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>>52951212
>Revolutionary thoughts
That's how I like to h-
>Burn the rich
>Class war
>From each according to his ability to each according to his need
>Abolish wage labor
>Property is theft
...there's guillotine with your name on it.

>>52952157
You have a guillotine named Chris?

>>52952387

The deep joke there is the guillotining is the ultimate result of revolutionary thoughts, not a reaction against them. Take the cash and the waifu and keep your head down, anon. Maybe your great-grandkid will pull a Henry Tudor.

>>52952436
>The joke
|
|
|
>The Moon
|
|
|
>Your head

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>>52950474
Gawain plz go

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>>52950474
Go away gawain nobody likes you

>>52950152
>sneak into the castle in the middle of the night
>chop of both the princesses hands
>sell them at the market for a quarter what their worth because carisma was my dump stat
>???
>profit

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Put a ring on it

Going from random adventurer to even an amount of in the royal family is an upgrade. The fact shes far from the throne is cool too; 8th is far enough off that assassins and plots wouldnt really give a shit, but not too far off to mooch treasury funds.

>>52950152
Considering that my character is discredited "nobility," it's pretty much the perfect situation. By marrying into this royal family, he gains some of the status he needs in order to take back his own title. Since he grew up in relatively high society, he knows all the proper etiquette, and so even though the daughter's hand is a given, he won't present any embarrassment to the crown afterwards. Plus, she might like him a bit better than someone from a lower class.

Then, by using contacts within the kingdom's court and the strength of the title he now possesses, he can start gathering military support to return to his homeland and press his claim. If he succeeds, the kingdom gets expanded. It's a win-win.

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>>52952883
Looks like someone can't handle the sunniest knight.

I'm a country bumpkin with a pet goat who pretends to be a sophisticated city boy.

Ima take the princess is what im saying

>>52950152
We have two!
Two evil dragons and two half-dragons! (does that count as a third?)

Also, I'll get a flying palace.

>>52952919
>because carisma was my dump stat
What about int and wis? Because that just sounds stupid

>>52952977
>not too far off to mooch treasury funds
Queen Elizabeth II disagrees with you

>>52950814
>>52951031
WE MUST TAKE JERUSALEM!

>>52950631
>fairly nice young women who is likely decently educated.

Is that you or your character talking?

>>52953551
Some one get Uncle Richard out, he got deus fever again.

>>52950152
Honestly, that's better then getting the Crown Princess. I'm a wizard, not a king. Nor am I a tactician, bureaucrat, policy-setter, lawyer, leader, negotiator, diplomat, or public speaker.

Being well down the chain means all the prestige of being nobility with far less pressure.

>>52950750
>no dowery.


Which brings to mind, what sort of jank ass kingdom cant even afford a dowery for their 8th in line?

>>52950152
Is she hot? If not my magic can reshape her to my linkings. Her lack of accomplishments means she's a good candidate for reeducation and restructuring. Give me a few years and not only will she possess unearthly beauty, be a magical force unto herself, and by ravenous with ambition she'll also be my devoted waifu and ruthless enforcer.

You fucked up, buddy

>Ranger who is slowly turning into a tree

Hope she's good at pruning me in my old age

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>>52953581
Non Nobis Domine, heretic

>>52953632
No significant dowry for a princess. I'd expect at least a barony, though, otherwise this shames the kingdom.

>>52953632
Maybe that´s why the dragon needed to be slain? The kingdoms treasury was perhaps mixed in with the dragons hoard?

>>52950152
Insist that he meant I get to marry all of his daughters. They are my harem now.

>>52950152
"Ah crap. So Mixzshzhshahsdas wasn`t lying his lizard ass out of this one. Now I feel bad about that old salamander."

>>52950152
I march right back to the dragon's lair and cast Raise Dead on it.

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>>52950444
STOP BEING A KEK

>>52950152
>The king put out a call for adventurers to fight an evil dragon
Didn't specify a dragon, might kill a komodo dragon that's considered evil by some peasants since it ate their pigs

>>52950188
/thread

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>>52953565
To be completely honest, both.

>>52950152
Reveal that I married the dragon, take over the kingdom with scaly waifu.

>>52954000
Even if that were the case it literally changes nothing about the outcome when it comes to the "Princess, What do" scenario

What a waste of trips and a human life you are.

>>52950152
Can I set up shop in the castle?
Adventureprince Baneslaying Inc. may bring some interesting business to the kingdom.

>>52951212
Looks like someone needs a helicopter ride, no charge.

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>>52953581

>>52950152
That poor king losing his eldest seven daughters to unrelated but undoubtably fatal accidents.

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>>52950152
>be 34 y-old blackguard
>get to smash
>get to smash royalty
>get to smash youngest daughter of a king who's only 8th in line
He would never decline the offer, even though it might as well be a political move to get rid of the blackguard and the party he's part of. Him thinking with his dick kinda got him in the whole blackguard thing anyway.

>>52950152
Resurrect the dragon, then tell the King that he should have clarified he wanted the dragon permanently slain.

>>52950337
I always enjoyed being edgy and striving against the norm. Still do. I've just gone ahead and pulled a /pol/ and make classic Browned Haired Paladins and Not!Aragorn rangers and play them straight. It's so fun. Any one of my characters would love to marry a princess, take the title of noble, the lands, impregnate their wife, and continue adventuring, as was the norm.

>>52950152

Is this supposed to be a surprise? Of course he wouldnt wed the heir to some simple knight. A marriage to royal blood is still a tremendous boon for my family line.

>>52950188
This. As long as she's pretty enough and not retarded this is a better deal than most murderhobos get.

Why would you give the hand of your daughter
To an undead artificer with 100 str
Sure hope you dont need grandchildren

>>52950491
*prince-consort*

>>52950152
Is she nice to look at and be around? If yes to both, I am totally okay with this.

>>52950687
>start out as Irish count
>end up as Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire
Ended up quitting shortly after that as it was too big of a pain of the butt the manage and I had inherited a mess

I play a shifter cleric of the god of the hunt.
He's basically selling off his youngest to be bred mercilessly by a wolf.

Sounds good to me, he needs to pass on his FERAL GENES anyway

>5e Lawful Good Incubus Paladin

>Yes, you read that correctly; basically he was conjured to seduce a (different) princess, but she only liked swarthy, pure-hearted knights of valor who sweep away fair damsels with wit and courage

>Wound up buying into the whole "pure champion of justice" schtick a little too hard

"While nothing would please me more than to see your bloodline prosper, I am, unfortunately, promised to another--wait, did you say a barony? One of your richest? Well...law is the law...keep in mind if I am called to aid other lands that I *will* answer, wife of mine. Holy crusades and all."

>>52950596
Why do you keep saying that?

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>>52950534
>wanting the cat girls
>not wanting an ambitious wife and not wanting to dominate her to prove that even if she is queen you are King and your word is law


son it's like you dont want to be a power loving bastard

>>52950752
Source?

>>52950152
>he clarifies that he meant his youngest daughter who's eighth in line for the throne and has no accomplishments

Thats fine

>significant dowry.

That not fine.

Tell him that I will accept the gold equal to his eldest unmarred daughter's dowry to and call the matter good. If or I will just walk away from him.

>>52961026
>not wanting the kings weight in gold.
Unless that fucker is king Richard and tone its probably some chubby fucker. 200lbs of gold is setting you up for lyfe

>>52950725

Wulfenbach? Is that you?

>>52950188
Fpbp. Seduce her, then deflorate and impregnate her on the first night after being married. Now you have a cute wife waiting for you to get back home from adventuring.

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>>52961282
>implying you needed to seduce her in middle times.
She had no choice, ritual dictated she spread em. Also fuck her long and hard enough and you'll win her over eventually. just don't be a low test weenie

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>>52961306
But anon, my fetish is vanilla loveful missionary with holding hands in the dark for the purposes of procreation. And leglocking too

>>52961373
Then you're in luck boyo, because consensual, marital sex for the purpose of reproducing was all the rage back during those times.

She's still royalty.. and we could kill the heir apparent scheme and make a faction around the princess to make her queen/puppet.

Knowing my DM, it'd probably be his intro to a new PC.

NO STANK ASS ROYAL WENCH GONNA STOP ME FROM STUDYING THE BLADE

>>52950152
"Cool. Just a heads up though, I'm not gonna stop adventuring, so she'd better back out if she's not down with that."

My character would probably be appalled that he wants me to marry so low down the pecking order in the royal marriage AND save her ass to boot. "Adventurer King" doesn't mean I don't still have a kingdom to run.

Probably marry her anyway if she is cute enough and elven/human

>>52950152

"You are a mammal. Lizardfolk cannot procreate with mammals, and as such this proposed marriage cannot generate future heirs to solidify an alliance. It does not have utility.

Give gold."

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>>52950152
>Fighting for the hand of a wench instead of fighting for the glory of slaying a dragon

You done goofed as a Knight

>>52956627
Underrated post,

>>52961723
> Choose to marry one of the Dragon brood
> Destroy Kingdom

"Why me? Why not the bard? Or the fighter, if you don't like half-elves? They're the ones that actually did something against that damn lizard, after the first shot I was too drunk to hit the damn thing!"

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>>52961743
Fucking this.

"Wait, marriage? Dragon slaying is knighthood's highest calling, I wasn't aware this involved marriage."

>>52950152

Hell yes! All the accolades, and none of the responsibility! AND a (assumedly) cute wife to boot! This half-orc's moving up in the world!

https://youtu.be/7mi4h00fedY

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>agree to marriage
>get horny for dat princess pussy
>consummate marriage before the formal vows have been said
>king is pissed
>run away like the little bitch boy I am
>sacrifice rest of the party to become a demon

>>52950388

Iliira a cute

>>52961023
https://e621.net/pool/show/9122

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>>52961918

>>52962091
This is cute

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>monk's face when

>>52961918
Griffith did nothing wrong.

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>>52950152
>That feeling when you just wanted the gold

>>52950152
My last character was a half-elf warblade from a dimension hopping organization trying to keep the peace againct multi-versal threats with a Federation Prime Directive thing going.

Pretty sure my character isn't allowed to marry royalty from fucking anywhere except his native dimension of Greyhawk.

Unless the princess wouldn't mind joining the organization and effectively becoming dead to her family.

>>52950152
Well, I'll... wait a second!
>adventurers
>youngest daughter
Our party have no formal leader to take all for himself, so this setup will raise some questions... for starters, how?

>>52962259
The king's youngest daughter is really four midgets in a trench coat.

>>52950152
Wait, so my character solod this dragon? I mean, he's already married, but i figured one of the other party members might be down.

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I slap the elf wizard on the ass in a very pointedly sexual manner and tell him "Already taken, law man."

>>52950152
My sword was known as the dragonslayer, now it will be princeslayer.

>>52962177
>his monk is a notorious neo-nazi responsible for multiple mass shootings

Anon...

>>52950152
I'm ok with this, peasent to royalty is far up and were far enough down the line to dodge the bullshit behind royalty.
besides its nothing as soon as said princess matures into an ambitious bitch, then the kingdom is ours, princes and princesses died all the time in kingdoms, and i'd have all the time in the world.

>>52950152
How young are we talking?
>tfw you save the kingdom and the king forces you to babysit his seven year old brat as a "reward"

>>52950152
>8th in line
So she's like what 10?

>>52962364
>plow her anyway, just to spite him

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>>52962364

>Seven year old

Fine with me

>>52950534
But I'm a pleb and prefer titty monster cow girls.

>>52950534
But I don't want a harem. I want my iron-fisted wife to gently dom me in the bedroom.

>>52962443
No, that's stupid. If she's iron-fisted and assertive, she needs to be passionately submissive in the bedroom. Them's the rules, Anon.

>>52962288
>tfw no stack of shortstack GFs

>>52962505

Well I want a refund. I want the yandere 7th daughter instead.

>>52962533
But anon you already murdered her

>>52962581

>dragon was daughter all along
>the entire royal family are dragons
>mfw

I have no face.

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>>52950152
Disregard bratty princess, pursue brotastic semi-sexual relations with the king's delinquent son (female)

>>52950152
As long as she's

1.) Cute
2.) Smug

I'm happier than a dragon in a dwarf vault.

>>52962619
>the king had her killed to protect their secret
>no one outside the royal family knows

>>52950152

>Be female were-tiger adventurer
>Care only about money and violence
>Kill an evil dragon? Sounds good to me. Wouldn't even be the first time at this point.
>But something's rotten in Denmark, doesn't feel right.
>Uncharacteristically investigate the situation.
>Discover "Evil" part of "evil dragon" is total bullshit. All the bad press is pure propaganda from the crown.
>Discover Kingdom exists because of a pact made many generations ago by the first King with said "evil dragon"
>Pact is even written down and signed in blood by both parties. Dragon allows humans to have a peaceful kingdom on its land, human royalty agrees to pay rent and not fuck the place up.
>Turns out new King just doesn't want to pay the rent anymore, thinks he doesn't need the dragon or it's protection.
>Bring this shit to the attention of the otherwise chill Dragon.
>Join Dragon in journey to King's castle so he can explain himself. For the lulz.
>King's daughters and other heirs disappointed in their father. His dumbassery has put everything in danger and made the Dragon understandably pissed.
>Kill King so chill Dragon doesn't have to.
>Rewarded with that year's rent.
>Keep adventuring, because violence calls.

>>52950152
>eighth in line
>1-7 "mysteriously" die within a month.

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Well ,she IS a girl and my chances were never high sooooo I'll take what I can get

>>52961408
>>52961373
Just try not to enjoy it or you'll go to hell.

>>52950152
>Get royal waifu
>Big status hike
>Far enough down that you likely won't have to get involved in political shenanigans or fights over the throne.
>But the option is still available if you want to.

What's the problem here again?

>>52968991
>Eighth in line for the throne
>Far enough down that you likely won't have to get involved in political shenanigans

Don't get to comfortable mate

>>52969074
I didn't become a 15th level Warlock from being careless.

Except for the portal incident, but no one visited that town anyways, they won't miss it.

>>52952883
>nobody likes you
That's wrong. Everyone likes Liam Neeson.

>>52950152
I quietly take my part of the hoard and let the rest of my party bicker over who gets the daughter. Not like I needed a human wife anyways, I've already got my anvil.