http://thesurrealist.co.uk/priorart .cgi It's the apocalypse

>>51626595
>Design #380663899
>It's a mattress! It kills weeds down to the root!
Welp. At least I'll have a moment of comfiness before my inevitable and rapid demise.

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>>51626595
>It's a fishpond! It smells of flowers!
am ded

>Design #4175275768
>It's a bicycle! It emits thick black smoke!

So it's a broken motorcycle.

>>51626595
>Design #2728908570
>It's a strain of bacteria that doesn't need batteries!

I... didn't think bacteria needed batteries to begin with.

>It's an office whiteboard that works upside down! It uses human blood for fuel.

Not really sure if the trade-off here is worth it.

>It's a suitcase that never gets tired and bounces.
That's basically the Luggage, right? Looks like I win.

>>51626595

>It's a telephone that catches fire very easily and catches flies.

By any chance, is the apocalypse caused by mutant alien flies that are also flammable?

>>51626595
>It's a suppository that can be used by the whole family!

i

what

>>51626694

that'd be really convenient if it was right

>It's a riot shield that tracks its position with GPS, sorts your mail and produces 240v of electricity.
I can do this.

Design #2314776810
>It's a postage stamp that connects to the Internet! It makes you invisible.

I will become the invisible haxxor and save the world.

>It's a handheld pager that uses human blood for fuel, makes reassuring noises and makes reassuring noises.

...i'm still not very reassured about that first part.

>>51626753
do you want it to make more reassuring noises

>>51626764
i do, but i'm kinda running out of blood here.

>Design #4243422545

>It's a key-ring that's slightly hallucinogenic!

It's too much to hope that this apocalypse is all in my head, right?

>>51626595
>Design #1213747249

>It's a piece of string that connects to a chainsaw and is powered by clockwork.
So I have a chainsaw and a clockwork piece of string? Or a clockwork chainsaw and some normal string.

I fare average I guess?

>Design #4023653190

>It's a hair gel that automatically updates your weblog when used! It can be taken on holiday.

At least I'll die fashionably? #ZombieChow

>>51626595
>It's a soft-drink can! It freezes anything it touches!
That might make a decent weapon, if I can figure out a way to hold it.

>>51626595
>It's a breakfast cereal that can be used as a metal detector and cures all known illnesses.

That's actually pretty useful for as long as it lasts. Might do okay for a while, use it to find stuff and cure a few others, band together for mutual aid.

>>51626595
>It's a sofa! It exists in five dimensions!

I guess I hop on my Sofa and go to another dimension where there isn't an apocalypse happening.

>>51626595
>Design #3501648572
>It's a key-ring that contains the entire Encyclopaedia Britannica and helps around the home.

Actually pretty useful, potentially.

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Design #407740642

It's an alcoholic drink that lasts forever! It never needs repairing and picks up Radio Four.

>Design #3753758082
>It's a handgun! It gets +2 to kill undead
It is a zombie apocalypse, right anon? Right?

>Design #376639555
>It's a pair of underpants! It doubles as a strain of bacteria!
Wat?

>It's a button-badge that doesn't need batteries! It is ten feet tall and destroys household pests.
I...what?

>>51626595
Design #3486106153

It's a letterbox that detects background radiation! It is invisible to the naked eye and has a built-in motion sensor.

And yet, I bet it still fills up with junk mail.

>>51626595
>Design #249458584

>It's a car that can be taken apart and reassembled in thirty seconds!

This actually seems useful

>It's a mousemat that has no moving parts! It cuts through stone as if it were butter.
Pretty well, I'd say

>It's a chocolate bar! It is perfectly safe to use!

Welp

>It's a strain of bacteria that's made from recycled cardboard! It is ten feet tall and removes stubborn stains.

>is ten feet tall

no pls.

>>51626595
>Design #4238839026
>It's a feather duster that never needs repairing!
Well, fuck me.

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>Design #512436845
>It's a jetpack that chirps and whistles and keeps your teeth clean.

Rapid flying transportation and good dental hygiene? I think I could work with this.

>>51626595
>Design #4030696168

>It's an alcoholic drink that loves you as a person and automatically avoids obstacles


So just a normal bottle of vodka? Fuck it I'll be fine.

>Design #2910921715

>It's a fax machine that makes reassuring noises, can pick locks and knows what you want before you do.

bro thief with a dark secret

>>51626595
Design #1150289773

It's a baseball cap that sends and receives text messages!

I can coordinate with a group?

>>51626595

>Design #1166610781

>It's like a normal bathtub, but it can be programmed to perform simple tasks.

Like what, keep the water at a certain temperature?

>It's a skateboard that moulds to fit its user!

Well, I'm disappointed. I mean, it's cool and all, but I was hoping for something unusually useful. Oh well, at least I have wheels.

>It's a stapler that produces hot tea or coffee! It scans its user's fingerprints and runs on compressed air.

Air compresser, hyper cafeinated survivor. I can sell this shit for protection.

>Design #3067850929
>It's a robot that folds away when not in use and doesn't need batteries.

Genuinely useful, though naturally it depends on the robit's capabilities.

>It's like a normal deck of cards, but it can be used by several people at once
...so, it's a normal deck of cards.
Amazing.

>>51626595
Alternatively
>You're playing your most recent RPG
>All vendors now only stock items from this generator
>What do

>>51626694
>>It's a telephone that catches fire very easily and catches flies.
Samsung Galaxy Note 8?

>>51626595
>It's a pair of pants that purifies water, that is run by a single hamster, it also folds out into a tent.

Sitting pretty, literally. Hopefully I can find replacement hamsters.

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>>51626595
>It's a housebrick that plays the American national anthem! It flies like a rocket and kills fleas.

It's absolutely perfect.

>>51626595
>It's like a normal stereo system, but it has a million household uses.
You know, I think I could do alright.

>It's a rickshaw that shoots laser beams and emits a powerful searchlight beam.

Pewpew bitches

>It's a samurai sword that mows your lawn, obeys simple instructions and plays light music.
Sound great, we shonen now.

>It's a bedside table that stays exactly where you leave it! It won't make a hole in your wallet and hovers.

I guess i could make some sort of hover car.

>It's a golf club that follows a target of your choice, costs less than a penny a day to run and cures all known illnesses.
So I can find anyone and cure illnesses. Sounds like I'll be founding a cult.

>>51626595
>A sheet of paper that fits in your pocket
Good. Now I can use my own blood to write my farewell letter.

>>51626595
>Design #1656243760
>It's a razor that folds away when not in use!
There is potential here...

>>51626595
>It's like a normal hat, but it keeps food fresh for up to eight weeks.

You know, thats kind of handy. It will look abit wierd, but being able to preserve food never hurts, even if its not all that much.

>>51629721
That's actually super handy. Without electricity food preservation will be hard. The problem is that someone will probably try to kill you for the hat.

>>51629749
Indeed, but thats true for anything thats usefull.

Wild animals might also be an issue, if im walking around with a hat filled with steak on my head.

>>51626595

>Design #64658709
>It's an armchair! It doesn't need batteries!
Futuristic item my ass.

>>51626595
>http://thesurrealist.co.uk/priorart.cgi
>It's a marker pen that's transparent and kills cockroaches.

I hope cockroaches is an umbrella term that covers Radroaches

>It's a towel! It tells you when people are lying!

With this I will raise an army to rule the apocalyptic wastes

>It's a jetpack that increases your sex appeal! It can play the trumpet and can heat a small house.

I RULE THE WASTELANDS WITH MY BARBARIAN HAREM

>>51626595
>Design #1339894870
>It's a sock that speaks randomly-generated sentences! It shoots laser beams.
I mean, I have a weapon.

>Design #3162105322

>It's a chainsaw that gets +2 to kill undead and can extinguish fires.

Useful.
>>51629849
Imagine walking the wastelands with a sock puppet that doesn't shut up, but you can't afford to lose because it spits lasers.

>Design #2181918679
>It's a walking stick! It collects litter!
Maybe I can clean the floor a little bit before I lie down and die.

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>>51626595
>Design #65616459
>It's a newspaper! It self-replicates!

I think I just caused the apocalypse.

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>>51629875

It's a towel that increases your sex appeal, is transparent and has adverts on the side.

Literally advertising my sex appeal. I'm gonna get raped

Design #3291833223

It's an answering machine that responds to temperature changes! It connects to the web and tells you when people are lying.

So...an answering machine that reacts to temperature changes. Could be a thermal camera for defense. Could be a thermometer. Maybe it just beeps when the temperature changes at all. Could be good or useless.
And depending on how the latter part is intended...if I need to connect to the web to use the lie-detector, it's useless. If it's a lie detector AND it can connect to the web, incredibly useful.
Not bad. I mean, it isn't a weapon, but not bad.

>It's a samurai sword that uses human blood for fuel! It is oak-panelled and folds away when not in use.
Does it need to be fueled by human blood specifically?

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>>51626595
>Design #1200852086

>It's a razor that irons your shirts!

Heat and sharpness offset by small size.

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>>51626695

>It's a football! It communicates via Instant Messenger!

*Communication ranges vary, based on throwing capabilities

It's a coffee cup that stretches to twice its original size! It automatically updates your weblog when used.


Second part is pretty useless, first might be mildly useful if we can make it work for other things.

>Design #1728883493

>It's a marker pen that runs on compressed air! It displays pornography.

Porn will distract people from trying to kill me, right?

>>51626595
>It's a candle that keeps food warm and doubles as a suppository.

I think, I've hit jackpot.

>It's like a normal artificial limb, but it keeps your breath fresh for up to twenty-four hours.

So, an artificial arm?

>>51629965
If it's doing that, maybe actually selling yourself for protection and shelter would be best?

>It's a suppository that will make your handgun obsolete! It explodes when dropped!

I'm not sure.

>>51630130

Sure, if you like warm food, anal plugs, and hot candle wax

>>51630431

Butt grenade

>>51626595

>It's a genetically-modified sheep that's not suitable for children and flies like a rocket.

I kill enemies with my rocket sheep.

>It's a speaker system! It runs on a single AA battery!

Has technology gone too far?

Design #2516038291

It's like a normal car, but it can move faster than the speed of light.

Hahaha

Hahahahahaha
HAHAHAHAHA

>>51626595
Design #3208703205

It's a towel that requires a sample of DNA, has a built-in motion sensor and gets +2 to kill undead.

Motion>DNA>Maybe some zombie killing? Or a nap...

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>>51626595
Design #396321369

It's a web page! It displays a slideshow of pictures!

What truly advanced era.

>>51626595
>Design #2835105224
>It's a housebrick that flies like a rocket! It can be used to scrape ice off of windscreens and obeys simple instructions.

I can work with that, I guess.

>>51626595
>Design #3345897684
>It's a bracelet that helps around the home, can pick locks and doesn't distract you from your work.

Travel sized party member with security expertise! Nice!

>It's a shower head! It stays exactly where you leave it!

No longer will I have to hunt down my bathroom fixtures across the wild plains before each shower.

>>51631508
Ah, but it also functions as an immovable rod, doesn't it? It stays exactly where you leave it, after all.

>>51626595
Design #1188087407

It's a rocket launcher that's guaranteed to save you a hundred pounds a month!

So i get rockets and a Barter Buff, im in.

penis

penis is a razor that moulds to fit its user, floats in water and will not work outside of the UK.

>It's a diamond ring that can go from 0 to 60mph in three seconds and contains the entire Encyclopaedia Britannica.

So it's a warp punch and a handy guide all in one. Better than some of these at least

>>51626595
>Design #2545608525

>It's like a normal pager, but it kills weeds down to the root.

If it's triffids then I'm set.

cunt

cunt is a credit card that irons your shirts! It does away with household drudgery and can heat a small house.

>>51632529
wife

wife is a shopping bag that checks your spelling, is laced with vodka and glows with an eerie green light.

>>51626595
>Design #3367976023
>It's an oven that weighs less than a packet of cigarettes! It tracks infra-red and can bring down an elephant.

Survival gear, portable, sensing and offense. I think I may be set, brothers.

>Design #1546688881

>It's a tricycle that sticks to the skin! It folds out into a tent and is transparent. It is fuelled by human blood.
I'm afraid.

It's a chainsaw that uses human blood for fuel! It detects explosives and is fully recycleable.

INFINITE POWER

>It's a suitcase that has no moving parts! It can be used in zero-gravity and costs less than a penny a day to run.

I... I guess if I can somehow make it to space with a stasis field I can wait out the apocalypse...?

>>51626595
It's like a normal featureless cube, but it emits heat.
So I got an eternal warm pack....

>>51626595
>Its a house brick that shoots lasers and operates on a quantum level
I am a new God...

>>51626595
>It's a pillow that speaks randomly-generated sentences and kills weeds down to the root.
I-is it a dakimakura at least?

>>51634394

Depending on how hot it gets, it could be used to heat or even cook food with the worry of smoke or flame.

>It's a speaker system! It squeaks!
Maybe i'll be able to make someone deaf

>>51630130
A normal candle can do the same things thogh

>It's like a normal headband, but it counts your loose change.
Neat

>>51626660
Whiteboards... don't work upside down?

>Design #4168609904

>It's a car that shoots laser beams! It is audible only to dogs and dispenses pills.

Yeah, I think I win.

>>51635022
Of course not!

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>It's a pair of roller-skates that fetches help in the event of an emergency! It automatically avoids obstacles.
Time to become the roller-skating hero I was meant to be

>Design #2477509497

It's a rocket launcher that helps the medicine go down, is powered by a single hamster and plays the theme from Steptoe and Son.

Time to dispense some post apocalyptic medicine!

>It's a microwave that moulds to fit its user, doesn't take no for an answer and cleans itself.

... I'm fucked.

>>51627362
Stubborn Stain detected

>It's a retinal implant that recites haikus and cuts through stone like butter

ain't nobody fucking with me.

>>51626595
>It's an iMac that bleeps when you whistle for it! It contains alcohol.

Just like my iMac!

>>51635022
If you know how to draw upside down it is okay.

>>51635636
Holy shit

>It's a featureless cube that shouts 'WARNING!' at the first sign of danger, knows what you want before you do and is inflammable.

Sweet.

>It's a skateboard that can move faster than the speed of light and remembers your personal preferences.

...Can my personal preferences be "not go the speed of light"?

>>51636116
I think you won the lottery mate.
>locate the nearest railing
>travel faster than the speed of light with a sick grind
>go back to a time where there was no apocalypse
>but in a tubular fashion

It's a pudding that feeds your pets, chirps and whistles and counts your loose change.

One use in it. But boy what a use...

It's a Christmas tree that has sleek curves! It is made entirely of wood.

Humm, maybe i can hide behind it and encourage people to leave presents behind.

It's a shower head that's not suitable for children! It comes with its own storage kennel and crushes ice.

Quite a disobedient toy arnt you?

>>51626595
>It's a housebrick that affixes to any flat surface! It talks and glows in the dark.
Fuck yeah, Stickbrick!

>>51626595
fuck, these are like parallel universe Oglaf plots

>It's a mobile phone that records memos, dissolves dirt and can pick locks.
I'm good man, it's all good. I can build a bunker every time I stop for the night or just feel threatened. I am the Mole Man.

>>51627179
tongs and multiple layers of plastic and burlap bags

>>51626595
It's like a normal jetpack, but it records everything you say.
>fukken sweet

>>51627298
wouldn't want to meet that guy on a bad day
lure you in with a fake car accident and then reassembled the car around you, trunk first

>>51634137
>It's a chainsaw that uses human blood for fuel!
OMFG THAT IS AWESOME!!!

>It's a contraceptive device that's covered with realistic fur! It is water-absorbent.
Would you?

>>51626595
>Design #2543998051
>It's an armchair! It rotates at high speed!
Instant win

>It's a samurai sword! It runs on tapwater!

Okay?

>It's a pot plant that displays pornography and is rustproof.

I mean I could sell this I guess?

>>51627857
>I can coordinate with a group?
Sure! I got a cricket bat that sends and receives text messages.

It also doesn't need oiling, and can run MAME roms.

>>51637737
>It's a chainsaw that uses human blood for fuel!
Is it just me or is that not also the most practical thing ever?

>>51637764
I preferred the hat that is not for children, displays porn, and updates your weblog.

>It's a bar of soap that loves children!

lol

>It's a newly-discovered breed of fish that can be implanted into the arm and detects evil.
it's 1/5 of the way to Earth: Final Conflict

>>51637799
Eh ... uses wood chips for fuel? Uses dirt for fuel? Contains a plasma furnace and breaks down matter for fuel?

>>51628325
does it produce gween tea?

>>51637821
I mean, as far as black magic or demonology is concerned, its a fairly pragmatic use of satanic power.

(Jason chasing after teens when his chainsaw runs out of gas)

"Has this ever happened to you?"

>>51637858
They should have a deluxe model that gets more awesome the more people you kill with it:

5 kills: becomes 5' long
10 kills: add razor blades/ teeth
20 kills: sparks and shoots fire

>>51629965
you find an imposing but pussywhipped man and become his girlfriend's bull. No one fucks with the three of you because there's 3 and Mr. Boyfriend looks like trouble. The question now is: Do you want to be prepped or not?

>>51637885
If you order now you will also get our patented Ripsaw "Little Monster" Mini-Chainsaw Knife. (Mini-Jason in hockey mask jumps around waving it menacingly) Perfect for the little murderer in you! (Big Jason pats young Jason on the shoulder as he nods)

>It's a hammer that can only be operated by a trained professional, can bring down an elephant and sticks to the ceiling like a gecko.
I have an unbeatable weapon (once I've practiced with it) and a neat party trick

>It's a chocolate bar that unblocks drains! It keeps your teeth clean.

You know, this would actually be pretty useful before the apocalypse.
>wake up
>eat chocolate
>teeth cleaned, no need to brush
>take a dump
>plumbing gets cleared up

>It's a fizzy drink! It makes you invisible!
Fuck yeah, I got an invisibility potion

>>51637743
infection city

>>51626595
>Design #750891058
>It's an explosive device that uses human blood for fuel!

I'm the blood king of the fucking wasteland!

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>Design #758117196

>It's like a normal retinal implant, but it hasn't gone on any murderous rampages yet.

>>51626595
Design #650838129

It's a pair of sunglasses that detects evil! It stretches to twice its original size and automatically updates your weblog when used.

Detecting evil is definitely useful. Expanding, probably less so. Updating a blog, definitely not- either the Internet is gone and it does nothing, or the Internet has stuck around and my fucking glasses are telling people where I am and what I'm doing.

But- eye protection, looking cool, and knowing when people are gonna shit on my day more than make up for the rest.

Design #1523635936

It's a bracelet that tells the time and contains the entire Encyclopaedia Britannica.

Well, it could be a lot better, but it could also be a lot worse. If I can survive long enough to meet people who can make use of some of the knowledge better than I can, at least it'll help.

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>>51626595
>Bleach is a rocket launcher! It is laced with vodka!

Fuck yeah.

>>51626595
Design #1726576330

I mean im thinner now, but the glittering makes them uncomfortable. I'm also fucked. Royally.

Design #3918260699

It's a breakfast cereal that emits dangerous radiation and is made from recycled cardboard.

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Design #406820253

It's like a normal crematorium, but it can move faster than the speed of light.

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>>51638404

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>>51626595

>Design #3808526284It's a contraceptive device that emits dangerous radiation, recites haiku and works in the opposite way to that which you'd expect.

I... I just don't know. It SEEMS useful but...

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It's a hole-punch that cannot be removed from your house, has sleek curves and looks like a fish.

>It's a tricycle that soothes babies, flies like a rocket and requires a sample of DNA

>>51626595
It's a gas-mask that's powered by a single hamster! It can heat a small house and can cook small meals.

As long as i can keep a hamster around, this is actually incredibly helpful. It doesn't SOLVE any issues, except gas attacks, but it has great utility.

>>51626595
>Design #3727239570 It's like a normal pair of shoes, but it shouts 'WARNING!' at the first sign of danger.

Not bad.

>>51626595
>http://thesurrealist.co.uk/priorart.cgi
>It's a bubble-car that makes money fast and purifies water.
i think i'll be fine.

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>It's a pillow that's laced with vodka and works at twice the normal speed.
thank you, jesus

>>51626595
>It's a toilet seat that gets +2 to kill undead and keeps food warm.
If this is a zombie apocalypse, I'll be the most retarded looking hero around.

If this isn't a zombie apocalypse, well at least my lunch isn't cold.

Design #2092459265

It's a hi-fi that has a retro 70s design, sends and receives faxes and can be used to deter muggers.

>deter muggers
wut

>>51626834
You have a handcrank powered chainssaw with an instant pullstart string for a cord. You'll go far

>Design #1504297971

>It's a suitcase! It can be used by the whole family!

Of course I would get the only normal thing

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>It's an electronic implant that induces lucid dreaming, keeps track of your personal calendar and does the washing up.

At least I'll be well rested, punctual and tidy when the deathbots come for me.

>>51639383

You can use it to fight off hordes of maniacs driven to violence by starvation and thirst while scrounging in the shattered ruins of you local Walmart.

>>51626595
>Design #2388384558
>It's a jetpack! It kills all known germs dead!
gg guys, i take this one.

Design #436281242

It's a robotic dog that runs on compressed air, can disable electrical hardware and recites haiku.

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>Design #989981732
>It's a riot shield that sticks to the ceiling like a gecko, is made from recycled cardboard and plays the theme from Steptoe and Son.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRaiiT3ZnJw

this had better be the slapstick apocalypse

>It's an alcoholic drink that tastes delicious! It hums incessantly.
Everything will be fine.

>>51635558
Turns out the only medicine for the zombie plague is HE rockets.

>>51638738
>It's a hole-punch that cannot be removed from your house, has sleek curves and looks like a fish.
An XM-8 depending on what country/state you live in?

>>51639608
Sauce?

>>51626595
>Design #3156375032

>It's a pot plant that cuts through stone as if it were butter!

So I got the ganja plant of stone shape. Awesome. Time to go unnaground and become king of the molemen.

>Design #3508025261

>It's a stapler that exists in five dimensions! It expands at the touch of a button.

What manner of "expansion" does this mean?

>It's an umbrella that plays the theme from Steptoe and Son, keeps drinks cold and has sleek curves.
None of it's functions would ever be useful at the same time.

>>51626595
Design #3355095199

It's a human clone! It inflates into a dinghy!

Great I have Dobson's fetish materials to defend myself with

>It's an electronic implant that catalogues its contents, makes you invisible and plays a selection of current chart hits.

What do I win?

>>51642354
A pipboy, clearly.

>>51626595
"It's like a normal scooter, but it runs on compressed air."

If you have the power to run a compressor that'd be quite handy.