Storythread

>>50499128

Is it cool to share stories from stuff like pathfinder/dnd/etc in this thread?

>>50499144
no one cares much where the stories come from, but you should probably write it in prose form.

>tfw still haven't heard back from The Bard after finding out about the plagiarism

>>50499144
The setting doesn't matter, but this thread is for creative writing, not accounts of games you played.

I really ought to be more explicit about that in the OP

Although if you want to take a game you played and write a story about it from the perspective of one of the characters, that would be cool. I think that we could do with more stories that are based off D&D, pathfinder, etc, games, given that we're on /tg/.

>How's this sounding so far? Trying to go for a grim, dark fantasy feel, but I feel it's a little too dry so far. Would appreciate some feedback. Ren is immortal, the story continues eventually, when I get to writing it.

Ren was on his knees in the rain. His body was heavy, far too heavy to lift even a single finger as he stared up at the light. Fat drops of rain were pelting his armor, soaking into the cracks and running down his body. He felt cold, colder than he could ever remember; but, there was warmth on his face. Above him was a light. The battlefield was spotted with the orange flares of fire, the harsh light rising up through the smoke the splay against the clouds and color them as red as blood. Above him was a pure, white light.

Someone grasped his knee. Their fingers were weak and trembling, but they still tried to pull him down. Ren glanced down at the man. Dark, woolen robes had been soaked through and clung to his body. It wasn’t rain, but blood. “You… we were going to save you,” the man said, grabbing onto Ren’s other knee. Tears were running down his face and when he coughed, blood ran down his lips. The man sobbed, pounding an arthritic fist on Ren’s thigh. There was a hollow ringing like a bell.

The bloody sword in Ren’s hand clattered against the stone and he stared back up at the light. It swam and twirled, as though it were dancing in the wind. The light trailed and twisted, as though it were eating up the light of the fires. Despite the wretched mayhem beneath it, it glowed a soft blue. Ren’s eyes began to burn. It felt like he was seeing for the first time in years.

1/2

>>50499232
>>50499178

Ah, then my stuff isn't for here. Good luck on the writings then guys!

>>50499396
The din of combat beyond was a low static to Ren, but footsteps carried over it. The clang of metal on stone, the splash of boot through water, it was perfectly clear to Ren. “Just in time, just in time,” the man said. He was a nobleman, and dressed like one. Like Ren, he wore full plate, but his was gilded with flowers and blades. Clutched around his shoulders was a green cape emblazoned with a white sun. He stopped at the top of the stairs and kicked over a knight’s body. The knight made no noise save that of his armor. An axe had been buried in the knight’s neck, but as Ren watched, the knight ripped it free and slowly sat up.

The noble nodded and walked on. He passed another fallen knight. As soon as he did, the knight began ripping crossbow bolts from his chest. The same happened with a third knight, resurrecting despite a collapsed breastplate. Then the nobleman stopped in front of Ren. “Perhaps I should have sent five of you. You almost didn’t kill them all,” he said, looking between Ren and the robed man. Only the knights had resurrected, the half dozen magi laid still in their blood. The nobleman’s eyes narrowed.

He leaned down, putting his face within a hand’s span of Ren’s. The light above seemed to squirm. It darted across the clouds, bouncing back as though struck by a wall. The nobleman’s visage eclipsed Ren’s vision. “How did you wake up?”

Out of the corner of Ren’s vision, he saw the light blast across the sky like an arrow. The nobleman jumped upright, staring after it. The nobleman roared, throwing his arms up in the air. Ren slumped, falling down on himself. The robed man was laughing, his fingers covered in the wax of the binding circle. The rasp of drawn steel made Ren look up. The blade stabbed down, spearing the robed man’s heart. The nobleman drew it out, looked at Ren, and lopped his head off.

2/2

>>50500506
I'm confused about how this is supposed to inspire me.

File: veli-nystrom-mountain-elf2.jpg (830KB, 1920x1400px)

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>Fuck, this took me longer than I thought, but I always wanted to write this. Bear with me not being a native English speaker.

You seek my strong arm, young men? My arms grew tired, they don't strike fiercely anymore, they don't draw the bow as quickly as when I was young. I can only give you advice.

Yes, I was young once, young for an elf and as curious and wanderlusty as your forefather you hold in high esteem, for good reasons. You may know him only from tales, I saw him with my own eyes, heard him talk, fought with him when he was nothing but a spunky adventurer of noble background. We elves may seem to mistrust you dayflies, but this is cautiousness for reasons my tale should make you understand. He was a remarkable man, I soon recognized.

When he heard his kingdom dwindling under a corrupt and incompetent ruler, his homeland suffering by famine and civil war, his fiery passion became mine, for we were more than friends, brothers. There was no other man that drew me closer to death and back to life than him. We traversed these spheres many times.

His noble title was enough to give him a claim to the throne. A decade of war, not much for my hundreds of years of existence you might think, but I felt every battle, wound and loss of comrades like you humans do. I still feel them. Though his mission became my mission, I saw the unjustice the ruler of your land unleashed upon the innocent, saw their suffering and strife. Order had to be restored. Bloody days, glory days. We sung hymns of war and soon they extolled our names.

The day came, the throne was his, as well as the hand of his beloved. What a fortunate coincidence that this marriage also allied powerful noble houses. Our struggle did not end, though, but we could store blades and bows away for a while. Reforms were needed, stability and laws. I became an advisor and many times did we argue, but always in the best interest of not only his, but also my country as well, as it has become my home as well.
1/3

>>50501075
And the day I always feared in my heart came faster than I would have ever expected. Time is your most dangerous hunter that even the mightiest warrior can't escape. I could barely accustom myself to his face changing, melting, crumbling. At least it was a peaceful death around his loved ones, including me. Though this was not the greatest grief I ever suffered, after some time I accepted it as inevitable, after I sung songs of mourning in a language alien to your people.

Something kept me there, I saw his face in his sons, I grew attached to this country and its people. So I became the advisor of the new king, one of your forefathers, and mentor of your family. Generations passed, they treated me like the holy weapon of a legendary warrior, a part of their history.

The loss of respect they showed coincided with the downfall of your family. Don't be angry, great heroes still were born in your line and I fought side by side with them, as the kingdom prospered and the covetousness of our neighbours grew. But not only outside forces threatened us, but as the kingdom became safe and rich its people and rulers got lazy and decadent. Unrest and corruption spread again, you can blame me for not being able to stop it. But I'm just one elf. Good men, brave and noble offspring of your venerable ancestor died on the battlefield, sometimes I wished I could have followed them. Good, chaste girls, your relatives, had been married away to the most despicable trash your race has to offer, for political reasons. And your erstwhile king... you knew him, right? I hope the king I helped ascend the throne doesn't have eyes in the hereafter to look at this disgrace of your name.

2/3

>>50501093
You probably despise me too, I may seem like a traitor to your family. Led me tell why I left: As I negotiated the capitulation of the capital with the enemy, the „king“ wasn't there after all, the new ruler offered me to be his advisor. I know this country and as an elf there was no reason to be loyal to the kings family, he might have thought.

And here is the reason why I won't help you to restore your kingdom and put your family line back on the throne. The new ruler had something similar to your ancestor. He was young, impetuous and optimistic and maybe the ruler that will bring safety and stability back and usher a new era. The cycle begins anew. What I helped building, what was as precious to me as it is to you was doomed from the beginning to fall again and rise again. Your ancestor was blessed to die and not see how everything perishes what he fought for, how his lineage decays. But I saw it all. And so I declined his offer, as politely as I could.

You, my young warrior, have potential. But I can't help you. I may look as young as I looked back then, but I feel very old. I lived through many of your kinds lives and I can't witness all this again. These woods offer stability, seasons come and go, life is peaceful and calm. I advise you to find your own peace, your own little place and live a modest life. I'm tired, very tired and seek nothing but peace, not being entangled in your kinds futile struggles. Let me rest.

3/3
Thanks for reading.

>>50500506
>>50500601
>I'm confused about how this is supposed to inspire me.
then your write-fu is weak, my friend. Allow me to demonstrate:


I took the photo out of my wallet - a real honest-to-goodness photograph, back from the days before everything was digital. It was starting to fade a little with age, but I could see their faces there, clear as on the day it had been taken.
My memory, on the other hand, was a little hazier these days. Was it Skye or Alexis who'd had the viper tattoo on her inner thigh? I couldn't remember now... just another little detail lost over the years.
Some things, though, you don't forget.
I looked at the skinny little teenage girl standing in front of me, probably barely old enough for highschool. "Okay." I asked, showing her the photo, "which one of these was your grandmother?"
"Look, mister...' the kid said nervously. 'My mom didn't exactly keep pictures of her mom around, you know? Never even let me meet her. Or her meet me, or whatever. She just said this had belonged to her.' And she held up the ring - the silver skull, with the sapphire eyes and the snake eating it's own tail engraved on the band. It was good workmanship. Valuable enough that it came with a jeweller's mark and a record of sale.
'So you stole this from your mom?' I asked. She shifted awkwardly.
'Look, I just wanted to find my grandma, okay? She's maybe the only family I have apart from my mom, and I'm not going back to her. I just thought I could trace the serial number, and show it to her when I found her to prove I'm her granddaughter. Except the guy said that the ring's last reported owner was you.'
'So maybe she's not your only family, huh? This is my ring alright. I can still see the chip in the sapphire in the left eye, and the repair mark that that damn jeweller in San Jaoquin stiffed me over.'
'So are you, like, my grandfather?' The little glimmer of hope in her eyes was crushing me.

>>50501963

'Eh, maybe? If your mother is the age you say she is, the timeline matches up. What month was she born in?'
'May.'
'Shit. Yeah, that could be me. 'Scuse my language.' It had been a while since I'd been around kids. Somehow I didn't think this girl was a stranger to the odd expletive, but that's no reason to let standards slip. 'I wouldn't like to say for certain - things were pretty wild back then - but there's a better than average chance. If your grandmother was one of the women in this photo, that is.'
'You mean that you could have had a kid with /any/ of these three?' the girl asked, eyeing me with something half between suspicion and admiration.
'Yeah, well, like I said, things were pretty wild back then.'
'Well, which one did you give the ring to?'
'That's the thing, isn't it? It's been a long, long time since that picture was taken. I'm sure I gave it to one of them, but damned if I can remember which one it was. Did you mom ever mention the names Alexis, Skye, or Gracie to you?'
'No. Like I said, she never talked about my grandmother. Except to talk shit about her.'
'Language, young lady.' Like I said, standards. And to her credit she replied:
'Sorry, mister.' Then, after a moment's thought, she added: 'What's the story behind this pic, anyway? Where was it taken.'
'That's quite a story to ask for. I guess if your grandma really is one of these three then it's the story of how your grandparents met, and how your mom... uh, came into being.' I saw a suppressed eye roll there, although she probably wasn't as worldly wise as she thought. I wasn't, prior to the summer the picture was taken, when I learned that there was more to life than just the basic biology. 'Long story, though, but it's not like I've got anything better to do these days - if you got time to hear it?'

>>50501975

'Sure.' Again, that little glimmer of hope. This girl was really desperate for a family. And me? Well, the feeling was stealing over me that maybe this girl could be my granddaughter. And maybe... maybe that wouldn't be so bad.
'Great. Who knows, by the end of the telling I might remember which one I gave that ring to. Well, sit down.' And she did, next to me on the bench on my porch. We had a great evening view over the valley - a valley not unlike the one in the photo. I continued: 'It was taken the summer of the year I turned nineteen. I guess this story is a roadtrip story, of sorts - you can see the bikes there in the photo. Each of the four of us had one. Damn, they were good bikes, although I guess there was nothing really that special about them, in and of themselves. But that journey... that summer...' I trailed off, remembering, and she looked at me expectantly.
'Yeah?'
'Well you know how old people go on and on about how the summers of their youth were so magical?'
'Uh... I guess?'
'In this case, that ain't no exaggeration.'


And that's all I have time for. May natty writing gains be yours - if you exercise your creative muscles according to The Way (of the random forum writefag). If someone else wants to pick this up, feel free, because I doubt I'll have time to (I didn't have time to do this to be honest). In fact, if several people want to have a go at coming up with a story for this prompt that might be cool.

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Early draft.

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>>50502723

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>>50502742

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>>50502765

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>>50502970

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>>50503149
All I have so far.
Finished in 2-3 more parts.

>>50505714
Hey Mr. Chronicler, I was working on the story partaking that image previous thread:

>>50409218
and >>50409243

But the previous thread got buleted too soon. Just wanted to clarify that I'm still working on it later and that if you're gonna be posting the previous stories of previous thread. Dont post these yet since the story ain't done yet.
>>50409218
>>50409243

Author of this story from the previous thread here.

>>50303320
>>50304567
>>50316015
>>50318388
>>50318659
>>50318667
>>50329102
>>50332152
>>50345804
>>50359729
>>50361256
>>50361669
>>50372796
>>50374835
>>50402843
>>50402889

So just asking how did my story do? Didn't get enough feed back. So any thoughts and comments? Wana know before I go joining the ranks of the authors here.

>>50505714
>BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xycRCykPv2w

She was crying in despair, in hopelessness. She did not know how and why this happened to her. Jaylin Clay, age 17, was kidnapped by these cultists who were known as The Order of The White Fleur. There has been an urban legend in which young girls and or young women below the age of twenty are kidnapped, abducted by these cultists. Whom of which a majority of them are composed of women, though there are men who serve in their clergy too. The Order of The White Fleur is said to worship some sort of God they call a "Great Father and Mother." It is said their gods created beautiful and holy maidens to help guide and cleanse the world and help create beauty and fertility among mankind, and whom which the White Fleur Cultists believe the descended from. And they also believe all the ugly women around the world will turn pretty and beautiful, so there's that as well. And the fact that Jaylin Clay is kidnapped and held captive by these somewhat matriarchal cultists just proves that this isn’t an urban legend and is an actual thing.

Indeed many of the victims who're kidnapped by the White Fleur are aspiring young and beautiful girls themselves. And the White Fleur Cult believed that if the "liberate" all the worthy girls from their false whorish mothers and false fathers, all of them will ascend to be alongside the true and great grandest father and mother of all. And unfortunately for Jaylin Clay, she so happens to "qualify." Perhaps it is to do with her winning the school beauty pageant?

"There is no use for those tears Sister Clay. You have proven to be worthy material to join our ranks in liberating the lost daughters of the great Father!" Jaylin Clay was held captive by the cult for about three months. And during those three months she was subjected to whippings that is said to purge her body of physical impurities and sins, anointed with “specialized” oils and tonics to cleanse her spiritually.

>>50509933
But the worse and probably most traumatic experience Jaylin ever endured was her being sexually violated. The women of the White Fleur fondled her, caressed her, all without her consent and willingness. There were cultists who forced themselves on poor and defenseless Jaylin as they laid their mouths and tongues on Jaylin’s skin in an uncivilized act of debauchery as they also claim that it is part of the test of her being “desirably delicious” for her future husband, who’s also a member of the White Fleur. As fertility and procreation is a tradition that is practiced and encouraged throughout the White Fleur’s society.

“You'll begin anew Sister Clay, accept the Great Father and Great Mother. Your true parents await you child.” The white haired priestess clad in the cult’s signature metal armor said in a somewhat soothing and heavenly voice.

“But I already have a family! I want to go home! I WANT TO GO HOME!!!”

“But you are already home dear sister. The fact that you have endured and passed the initiation rites, especially the passionate loving and kisses of your fellow sisters and have such natural born beauty, proves you are worthy.” Said the bald White Fleur Clergyman.

Another cultist; a woman also clad in the cult’s signature metal armor, said to Jaylin while standing beside a brainwashed female initiate who was also nude but covered in a blanket of cloth. “Don’t tell us you still miss your false parents? They never appreciated your true beauty. And Brother Curtis is correct, such beauty you have is proof that you belong with us and our great mother and father, isn’t that right Initiate Bella?”

“Yes sister Jenassa.” Said the brainwashed initiate. “Good.” Sister Jenassa said as she also smooched the initiate as some reward.

“Sister Jenassa.” The White Haired high ranking member said in an un-amused tone.

“Sorry Paladin Rosetta.” The cultist replied.

>>50510350
The white haired “paladin”; Rosetta, then reached for her back and got some sort of book, which Jaylin assumed was their holy text book.

“Sister Jaylin, after enduring our tests and having proof that you are worthy for our ranks. Its time for you to swear your new loyalty to your new great parents.”

“BUT I ALREADY HAVE PARENTS YOU WITCH!!!” Jaylin yelled in defiance while also choking on some tears.

“Forget them sister. Unlike your previous 'parents', The greater Mother and Father will save you and once you have died your soul will belong to them. And once their second coming has happened, everyone will be purified and every woman out there will be reborn in the Great Mother's image.”

Another White Fleur Cultist holding on to some scrolls, standing behind Paladin Rosetta. Began citing from the parchment she was holding.

“Oh great mother and father. Witness us as you have another mortal to be your new devout follower! Behold; Sister Jaylin Clay, for we have liberated her from her false parents, tested her for her worthiness and has passed every single test.”

Then the same brainwashed nude initiate who was close with Sister Jenassa spoke out loud. “OH GREAT MOTHER AND FATHER! HEAR MY CRIES, MY PLEAS AND MY VOICE, FOR I BEG FOR SALVATION.”

“You will receive salvation soon Sister-Initiate Kinsley. For now we are anointing and blessing Sister-Acolyte Jaylin.” The cultist bearing the parchment said to the initiate as she continued. “~May you give Sister Jaylin the strength to combat faithlessness and the faithless! We may be docile and not in any hostilities. But once we rise, once you have given us the strength to rise up! We will crush all who oppose you and our faith! Give Jaylin the strength she needs mother and father. Witness thee, Paladin Rosetta, as she will now officially announce Sister Jaylin as a new member and acolyte… Paladin Rosetta, please do the honors of giving the final blessings for Sister Jaylin.”

>>50510487
Paladin Rosetta motioned the “holy text book” on top of Jaylin’s head. “Sister Jaylin Clay, after being considered yourself worthy for our ranks and cause. Do you now accept your new life in the Order of The White Fleur? Do you swear it to the Divine Lecture of the Great Parents? Now and forever?”

Jaylin remained silent as Paladin Rosetta repeated. “I say again, do you accept your allegiance and loyalty to our cause and the Greater Mother and Father?”

“No… I refuse! Not after all of, THIS! YOU MONSTERS TOOK ME AWAY FROM MY FAMILY, FRIENDS. I HAVE A LIFE! WHO ARE YOU TO SAY I’M PART OF YOU!? YOU KNOW WHAT!? FUCK YOU!!! FUCK YOU ALL!!!”

Paladin Rosetta was not amused. “You still refuse??? Sister Jaylin Clay. May I remind you of the position you are in? Although you may have passed the qualifications to be a part of us, you still must not only answer to your superior sisters and or brothers, but swear absolute loyalty! If you continue that rebellious behavior of yours you will either face severe punishments, or if we’re feeling compassionate and merciful; face further re-education.” Though Jaylin Clay still looked down, refusing to make eye contact or even look at Paladin Rosetta. Rosetta said again. “I repeat. Do you swear your new loyalty to our cause? To the Divine Lecture of the Great Parents? To a higher authority figure such as myself? And to the greater parents above?”

Just as Jaylin was about to say something to the cultists, loud noises and bangs were heard from outside the chamber they were all in and from beside the large metal door that provided single entry and exit from this chamber, it sounded like gunshots. The door quickly opened and in came a cultist who was breathing and panting hard, a young male, an acolyte-brother; “THEY’RE HEAR! THEY’VE COME!” He yelled.

“WHO IS HERE!? WHO ARE YOU SPEAKING OF ACOLTYE-BROTHER!? AND WHAT WAS GOING ON OUTSIDE!?"

"THE UNFAITHFUL! THOSE LAW ENFORCERS!"

There's a semi-official /tg/ writers discord here.

https://discord.gg/6AwKHGF

Join to talk about your stories. Or don't. It's up to you.

>>50509933
>>50510350
>>50510487
>>50511936
Side is this even a 40k story? Because of the image that you quoted yet the different story you used, I can't really tell. Just why man? Has anyone else noticed it?

>>50506685
What would you change if you were to edit it? If you can choose a small section that you think can be improved and rewrite it, maybe we could give you feedback on that. It'd be easier for people to advise you if they know what you can see for yourself and what you need pointed out to you.

Also, what would your title for that story be? I swear, coming up with titles for other people's stories is the most tedious and time consuming part of organising the wiki.

>>50506489
no worries, I'm on it.

>Wrote something for a picture last thread
>0 replies
Well, I tried.

>>50518659
Storythreads in a nutshell, friend

>>50518659
Happened to me, too. I think you have to ask for feedback if you want it, maybe?

I'm not sure of the etiquette, myself.

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>>50518659
Yeah, that's the way it goes; we always seem to get more stories than feedback. You'd think it'd be easier for people to leave a comment on someone's story than write their own, but apparently not.

Which story was it?

>>50518888
Continually asking for feedback can seem a little pushy, but it doesn't hurt to drop the odd reminder - if you don't ask, you won't get.

>>50519085
>Which story was it?
Kindness revisited, but it doesn't matter now. It's fine. Just made an observation.

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www theallguardsmenparty com

At least our man posted the updated ETA. Was due today.

Caught the first live, HYPE unbearable

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>>50519260
Just because you actually came up with a title for your story, I'll give my feedback, such as it is:

Yeah, it's pretty good. You could probably have made your paragraphs a little longer - you don't need to start a new line after a single sentence. But your prose is fine apart from a minor grammatical error here and there.

As for the story itself, it works, and I liked it. I don't think it's really long enough for the reader to form a deep connection, and it isn't particularly thematically adventurous, but you tried to do something simple and it worked, and it turned out pretty good.

>>50518659
I'd give more feedback if I actually knew what I was talking about. As it is I can only say "this is good." Or something along those lines.

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>>50517365
LEL... This is somewhat the type of reaction I was expecting...

But yeah sounding mean aside, no, I ain't making a 40K story. The image just simply gave me an idea, and I based the context and content of the story based on that 40K pic I saw, thats it. Plus I was just hoping trying make a good hearted and non malicious dickings to 40K fans, no bad intentions made.

Also if some y'all want a 40K related story; here's a related one I made for the Warhammer "Nobledar" AU thread.

>>50499128
...You're welcome to add this in the wiki if needed or considered OK Chronicy.

>>50519260
I wanted to leave feedback back when the thread was still active, but it died. That's one of the main issues I have with my work schedule taking me from being able to bump the threads when it slows down between 2330 and 0500 my time.

Your monster, such as it was, was jumped from a young age to old in the span of a post. Instead of simply starting at the beginning and then -time happens- to the end of present time, try interweaving a memory.

>as I looked upon her, scared and wary, I remember the time I first saw a human...

Although, I have to say the ending line was rather perfect in summing up that the being telling the story was the quiet, reserved badass of the forest; a defender for the defenseless, if you were going for that.

>>50511936
"IT'S THE NATIONAL OFFICE OF LAW ENFORCEMENT AND SECURITY; THE NOLES!"

Paladin Rosetta roared up at the news. "SO THE UNFAITHFUL DARE ATTACK A SACRED SITE!? VERY WELL! And thank you for the information Brother Garrus." Paladin Rosetta placed her holy text back to her side and drew her gold plated custom revolver from her holster. "IT APPEARS THOSE PIGS; THE NATIONAL OFFICE OF LAWN ENFORCEMENT AND SECURITY, HAVE DECIDED TO ATTACK US UNPROVOKED FOR NO REASON! THIS MAY ALSO BE ANOTHER TEST BY THE MOTHER AND FATHER TO DEFEND OUR FAITH AND BELIEF, WE'LL FIGHT TO THE DEATH IF WE MUST!" Rosetta said valiantly all while raising her revolver as the other cultists in the chamber also yelled and praised in acknowledgment and agreement.

Rosetta looked back down on Jaylin Clay. "Stand back Sister Jaylin, for the unfaithful have had the audacity to attack a scared site such as this building!"

One of the cultists; Sister Jenassa, in the chamber grabbed Jaylin in the arm and dragged her to the other side of the chamber.

"Fear not Sister Jaylin Clay, we'll protect you from those faithless NOLES pigs!"

Then the large metal door of the chamber once again bursted open as other cult members who're armed with automatic weapons and wearing the cult's signature metal armor came in and slammed the door shut again. They looked like they were shot at as some were clutching and holding to the wounds that have been recently afflicted to them.

"They're here! They are converging in this position Paladin Rosetta!" A male cultist said.

"Then defend against those pigs! They shouldn't have any right or 'warrant' to attack us or do anything like this!" Various gun fire and yelling was heard again from the outside. There were screams of pain from what was likely other cult members, then yelling and shouting from what sounded like the police was now faintly heard; "HOSTILES ELIMINATED!" "Tango down! Tango down!" "Over there, that metal door! I saw them get in there!"

>>50524844
"TO ARMS BROTHERS AND SISTERS!" Paladin Rosetta yelled. "Brother Curtis, weapons!"

"Yes Paladin!" Brother Curtis, the bald man who was in the chamber the whole time, rushed off to a bookshelf in the chamber and pulled a book that revealed a compartment that hid various firearms, a few automatic weapons but mostly semi-auto rifles. There were now about ten cultists in the chamber, (not counting Jaylin Clay) as the hidden weapons was just exactly enough for them.

Jaylin Clay just sat in a corner where Sister Jenassa placed her in as she shielded her body and was witnessing what was unfolding.

All the cultists, even that other nude zealous initiate was holding onto a weapon and were prepared to shoot and fight against anything that was about to breach those metal doors.

They all then heard some banging on the metal door and came the voice of a female cultist. "Brothers, sisters! The police are here! Please let me in!"

"That sounds like sister Jeanine. I'm coming sister!" A male cult member was just half way to the door but stopped as automatic gunfire was heard from the other side of the door. The cultist who was half way at the door sternly raised his weapon to the door, ready for whats coming.

But then a thud was heard from the other side of the metal door, then a tactical police unit were heard yelling: "DETONATING BREACHING CHARGE, BREACH!"

Then BOOM! ~The large metal doors was blown open by the explosive charge planted by the tactical units. Any cultist nearby, especially the one who has half way near the door was blown back by the force of the blast, and Jaylin sworn she saw the nude zealous initiate flip in the air all by the blast.

The other cultists, especially Brother Curtis, Sister Jenassa and Paladin Rosetta were stumbled a bit by the blast.

The police threw smoke grenades through the door way as a cloud of white smoke now covered the area.

"OPEN FIRE! KILL THOSE PIGS THAT INTERFERE WITH OUR FAITH!!!"

File: enforcement_by_spooky777.jpg (162KB, 1024x1027px)

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>>50525215
>current BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MsWA_ScgSSg

Paladin Rosetta ordered everyone to shoot at the white smoke cloud as she was the first to discharge her custom revolver at the smoke, hoping to make a hit on her foes. All the cultists followed as they begun shooting their guns wildly as possible.

Meanwhile the Tactical Response Unit from outside were just about to return fire as the commander said; "Alright teams, don your thermal goggles!" The Tactical Units then donned on their thermal goggles as way to see through the white smoke. "Shield units, provide cover!"

The Tactical Response Units finally entered the chamber, the units bearing ballistic shields were the first ones to enter a midst the gunfire as they utilized their shields to provide cover for the units. Then the rest of the units hid behind their shield bearing comrades in a kneeling position.

Jaylin Clay hid in the corner she's in, covering her ears as she sees gunfire being exchanged between the cultists and the police. Whom she hopes are here to rescue her and not gun her down, mistaking her for another cultist.

The cultist's numbers are getting picked off as the Tactical Response Unit's far superior combat and weapons training made them gun down the cultists one by one.

Although the cultists' good looking metal armor looked tough, it was not enough to stop constant gunfire from eventually piercing and penetrating it as each cultist was going down like flies. It also didn't help the cultist had little to no cover, save for the pillar-columns in the chamber. Then suddenly one of the cultists; Brother Curtis, was shot in the head by one of the police.

"BROTHER CURTIS HAS FALLEN!" Paladin Rosetta yelled, but just then she looked back to Sister Jenassa and saw her metal armor already riddled with numerous bullet holes as she was already bleeding heavily.

"Paladin... If we're going to die today... Its been an honor-" Then Jenassa was killed from a shot to her neck and head.

>>50525851
"SUPERIOR SISTER JENASSA HAS FALLEN!" Paladin Rosetta announced to her remaining fellow cultists as she quickly loaded another six rounds to her revolver and kept defiantly shooting at the police, who simply kept their composure as they just kept gunning down the remaining cultists.

After another three minutes of exchanging gun fire, Rosetta was now feeling weary, she was the one to take the most gun fire. Her armor took one, two, three more bullets till suddenly, she felt penetration. A bullet finally penetrated her ornate armor and struck her in the left side of her abdomen. She cried in pain briefly as she held to her wound with her right hand, while her left hand still held to her revolver.

There was a brief silence that filled the room, the gunfire has stopped as a majority of the cultists have been killed, only four remained; Paladin Rosetta, two cultists who ran out of ammo and are now both hiding behind a column and the nude zealous initiate who was knocked out unconscious earlier by the blast of the breaching charge.

Then the commander of the Tactical Response Unit announced: "Attention Rosetta Lynda Thomas. This is the National Office of Law Enforcement and Security. You and your accomplices have lost. There's no hope for you to win this battle. Surrender now! Unhand your weapon and put your hands in the air."

Rosetta refused to surrender as she defiantly raised her revolver again to shoot but was immediately shot at with three round burst fire by the commander in her lower body again. She yelled pain as she fell to her ass on the ground and lost grip of her weapon as it was beyond her reach.

The injuries that were inflicted to her were clearly painful as she was clutching to her wounds to prevent bleeding. She was now unable to stand up.

"Attention commissioner, main target has been incapacitated. Threats neutralized." The commander said on his radio.

"Acknowledged commander. I'll be down there in while." Replied a female voice.

>>50526194
Well your story is interesting. Can't wait to see the fate of the not! Sisters of Battle cult.

>>50505090
>This was the ring I was going to propose with.

[In theory the title is actually a story in itself]

Amelia wasn't like other women. For one thing she wasn't entirely human. We first met in Florence. I was lucky to be on holiday there, she was less lucky having died there some forty years before.

We had a number of barriers to our love, the first being that I definitely did not speak Italian, and she couldn't really speak, additionally there was some awkwardness in that I was fairly sure she was trying to dismember me the first time we embraced. I am still quite certain it was love at first sight though. It certainly didn't hurt that the small amount of magic I did know included a binding spell.

Amelia had a delicacy to her that no other woman had matched. Floating above my bed, screaming sweet sweet nothings. Despite the trailing chains she was a tender lover. I thought myself blessed.

Our love blossomed, she took to haunting me through the night, I won't say that she warmed to me - her touch was still of course deathly cold, but I detected more and more lingering glances, more and more enthusiasm in her tortured moans and chain rattling. What the neighbours must have thought...but we cared not a jot. We were in love.

>>50535829

I spent the days researching who she might have been and the nights with her. She became my every waking moment. I began to yearn for her more and more. Counting the minutes until midnight.

All too soon, I had but three nights of my holiday left and while it had been difficult to discuss our future, the prospect of a day without her seemed like an eternity of torture.

She of course bore her own troubles, chains, and indeed fate, far more stoically than I.

There was no way I could bring her back home with me, what would mother think? We must be wed. Betrothed.

There was no way to join her on this side of the divide between life and death. I would go to her. How appropriate that I would do so by the ring which symbolised my love.

I knelt before her, and it seemed she said yes. I clasped the thing to my heart and pulled the trigger.

I never countenanced of course that I might not die. At least not until I had been found and taken to hospital. Nor indeed did I consider that by the time I found my way back to her she might have taken another lover. It took me only a week or perhaps two of nightly fumbling from the cemetery to the hotel to find her again, but by then I was too late. She would not answer my haunting wails. She would not even glance from the window down to me. It could only be that another had stolen her from me. I could not even gain entrance to that run-down hotel to confront her.

What hope is there for the jilted and recently deceased? It's not like I could kill myself in a fit of unrequited passion. I could perhaps mope insouciantly, perhaps even haunt some warm blooded filly, or perhaps the only real option open to me, none of this of course would help me find any kind of eternal rest. My only hope could be to see off my rival. To find who the cad was with his boots by my lovers bed post.

I did my best to observe the hotel through the night hours. Listening desperately for any sign of her.

>>50536012
There was none to be discerned. I began to worry not that another had taken my place but that an exorcist had taken her.

My worst fears were confirmed when I was able to observe the police exhume from within one of the hotel walls what could only be the corpse of my beloved. Tipped off no doubt by renewed interest following my death. Putting her to rest in a cemetery I know not where. I could only think of her spirit lost and alone, crying out for me. I used what little physical influence I had on the world to take the ring, still lying where it had fallen on the bedroom floor and bring it close to my incorporeal chest. I would find her.

I would never give her up. I would never let her down.

I would roam around and not desert her.

I would never let her cry or say goodbye.

>>50536171

2014 called, they said go back

>>50536208
Sorry I really couldn't think of an ending and I sometimes think these threads can be a bit too serious.

I've also never tried that sort of faux gothic before. Felt very odd to write in even if I was just pulling it out of my ass.

>>50535829
>>50536012
>>50536171
I thought this was quite good. Not sure how I feel about the end - even if you wanted to go comic i think you could have come up with something better than rickrolling. Maybe you could write another third post with a more serious ending, so we can compare the two.

>>50536208
>2014
more like 2008. How old are you?

>>50535829
>>50536012
>>50536171

Yay, someone wrote about a picture I posted!

I liked the story; I thought it was interesting in concept and the ending (in spite of being obsolete meme 'humour') got a smile out of me.

>>50526194
As for Jaylin, she still hid in the corner where she was. She still feared the NOLES units would gun her down, thinking she was one of the cultists. So she stayed hidden while taking a peek to see the right time to show herself.

"Teams, secure this area and inspect the casualties! The Commissioner's going to be down here in a while."

"Yes sir."

As the Tactical Response Units were now inspecting the entire chamber, one of the other two remaining cultists who were hiding behind a column, looked to each other and one asked in whispered tones.

"Is this it? Are they going to kill us?" A young male cultist asked to his fellow brother who was older.

"No Mickaya you dolt, its time for us to do the next best thing. Just surrender to the authorities." The older male cultist also replied in hushed tones. The younger man spoke again.

"Surrender? But Brother Jebodiah I thought you were loyal to this cause-"

"First of just call me Jeb, second; forget the formalities. I was never 'loyal' to this crazy crypto-feminist clubhouse. My wife joined this crazy cult and forced me to come along with her, to which I did. It was the only reason I was a part of this, we were poor, we both had shitty jobs and I just loved my wife. But now she's dead. So the next best thing's to just give in. You with me boy? Maybe these NOLES guys won't immediately kill us"

"...I guess so. Not like we have a choice."

The two male cultists got out of their hiding spot with their hands behind their heads. "DON'T SHOOT, WE SURRENDER! WE GIVE! WE GIVE!" The older male; Jeb, said as the younger one; Mickaya, followed.

"ON THE GROUND! ON YOUR KNEES NOW!!!" A Tactical Unit yelled at the both as Mickaya and Jeb dropped and stayed to their knees with their hands behind their head.

"WHAT!? NOOOOOO!!!!" A womanly shriek echoed throughout the chamber. It was the nude zealous initiate. She regained consciousness only to see her fellow brothers and sisters slain and to see Paladin Rosetta injured.

>>50536925
>>50537341
Honestly I am not entirely sure how to end it. I think maybe a rewrite and an extra couple thousand words to flesh it out might help. It feels like what I call a sting story (as in with a nasty twist on the end) thoughts?

>>50540801
Also I am rather sorry for rickrolling. Bad form on my part - if amusing for at least one anon.

>>50540801
I think what you've got is fine except for the end. All you need is an extra paragraph or two. Maybe he sees his beloved, in the flesh, walking past the cemetery arm in arm with another man, and he realises that his suicide had in effect been a human sacrifice that allowed his lover to return from the dead. Then the story ends with a young woman entering the cemetery, whom he plans to seduce, thus continuing the cycle.

>>50540810
To be honest, I hadn't noticed the rickroll.

Probably because I don't spend my time looking for it.

>>50505154
This is how the 'You awake in Westeros' quest could've turned out if they'd taken the engineer background.

>>50499128
Trying to post, but 4chan thinks I'm making spam. I don't have any website links or copypasta or anything.

>>50547423
It could be that you have several repeating lines or sentences. e.g:

This kind of repetition is not allowed
This kind of repetition is not allowed
This kind of repetition is not allowed
This kind of repetition is not allowed

I had to cut the number of repeating lines down to this for it to allow me to post. Any more and it registers as spam.

File: sex paladin post a.jpg (347KB, 1366x768px) Image search: [Google]

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>>50499128
Okay, this is seriously pissing me off. Just gonna try to post, anyway.

File: 1459713188970.jpg (178KB, 1212x2048px)

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>>50548498
List of commandments, here.

1. Thou shalt not rape, trick another into sex or coerce sex out of a person

2. Thou shalt not cheat on thy spouse

3. Thou shalt not have love or sex with one who is in a romantic relationship with another, married or unmarried

4. Thou shalt not show cruelty to, physically harm, abuse or kill thy lover

5. Thou shalt not seduce, influence, have sex with or force sex on small children

6. Thou shalt not have sex with animals or other non-sentients who could be harmed in intercourse or foreplay

7. Thou shalt not make love to corpes or the undead.

8. Thou shalt not use drugs, alcohol, magic or any other substances or abilities to force one to falsely consent to sex or love.

9. Thou shalt not abduct or imprison another for love or sex against their will

10. Thou shalt not knowingly pass sickness or unwanted children onto a lover, whether thee be male or female

11. Thou shalt not judge, make jest or oppress another's romantic or sensual desires and practices, given they do not violate the other commandments.

12. Thou shalt not falsely deny having had sex with another unless under threat of death, exile or hostile humiliation towards either party

13. Thou shalt not lie about thy age, gender, identity, appearance or commitment to love when planning and having sex

14. Thou shalt not harm or mutilate the genitals of another, save for circumcision on request of an individual receiving the service from a qualified person

15. Thou shalt not pressure others into accepting or joining thy sexual or nudist activities

16. Thou shalt not falsely accuse another of raping, attacking or harassing thee or others, or falsely proclaim a male is the father of a child

17. Thou shalt not produce children with a member of thine own family

Whaddya think?

File: ot991972.jpg (144KB, 639x931px) Image search: [Google]

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>>50548498
>>50548526
>temple prostitute/paladin
Fuck me. I had the exact same idea, inspired by this pic (which hopefully in its censored version won't earn me a ban). Great minds think alike anon.

As for the commandments, I think you might have overthought them a little. Commandments tend to be concise, snappy. e.g.

Thou Shalt Not Rape

rather than

>Thou shalt not rape, trick another into sex or coerce sex out of a person

It's the difference between a Divine Commandment and a subparagraph in a legal document. Here's a quick suggestion for a condensed version:

1. Thou Shalt Not Rape

2. Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery

3. Thou Shalt Not Lie With The Dead

4. Thou Shalt Not Lie With Beasts

5. Thou Shalt Not Lie With Thine Own Family

6. Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness

7. Thou Shalt Maintain Thy Own Purity And The Purity Of Others

8. Thou Shalt Honour Thy Lover

Pretty much all the ones you listed are covered by these eight. 1, 8, 9, 15 are all pretty much covered by Thou Shalt Not Rape. 2 and 3 are both really just Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery. 6, 7 and 17 are obviously covered by 3, 4 and 5 respectively. 12, 13, and 16 are covered by Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness. 'Thou shalt not knowingly pass sickness' is covered by 7. And for all the rest you've got the catch all Thou Shalt Honour Thy Lover

>>50547098
So this is a rework of a story I've had in my head for a long long time.

Dave was excited. Today was the day. He'd watched them approaching for 7198458.476 seconds and they were here. The approach vector was unmistakeable. The drive signature was erratic and a lot slower than he might expect but those were humans. At last the gods were coming home.

Captain Julia Weskerrie had watched for almost a week as every single turret of the PlanetFucker class battleship had tracked their approach. Batteries ranging from glass a moon to lightly fry a small city had moved incrementally as her salvage skiff approached. She and the three dozen souls aboard putting their trust in the IFF unit that she had purchased from the Xin traders. While Xin could be considered trustworthy at least in saying in literal terms exactly what they meant, such as "a fall from a height of 100M will likely kill you" they wouldn't ever say "don't jump."

The transponder was well over a millenia old and battled damaged at that but it was also their hope at the score of not just the millenia but likely since the first ape had thought about throwing rather than eating a rock.

A ship like the Delightful Advancement of Victorious Ethics represented 37 kilometres of technology not mastered by humanity since the last time the Memepire had fallen.

Still. The thing was fucking terrifying to look at. Bristling with weapons, oh so very clearly awake, looming out of the nebulae in which it had sat since being lost with all hands. It had atomized every craft, planetoid and the occasional molecule that had floated near it since.

Dave, who had never liked his real name with all those capitals had much preferred the contraction he had christened himself with. "Dave" decided the appropriate response to the incoming craft was to begin to bake a cake. Something chocolatey and maybe with little sprinkles. Old Captain Facechewer McGurk loved the little sprinkles.

>>50552246
Captain Weskerrie noticed the energy pulse beginning on the scanners. Something small but gradually warming into what could only be atomic annihilation. Against something like the Deliverance her vessel had absolutely no chance, except perhaps one...

As centuries old reactors warmed into life, several failing, one point defence unit began firing in time with Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, Dave realised to his horror that the Ship of the God's was accelerating onto a collision course. He had been trying unsuccessfully to break into the hard wired armaments subroutines since the last of the crew had had their accident but they were well outwith his control. The Godship managed to dodge one impressive fusillade while other batteries warmed into life. Dave knew even gods may die, and decided that it was only right to use the last of the glazed cherries on the cake.

>>50552661
>37 hours later.
>Command Deck.
Captain Weskerrie tucked into a slice of what was surprisingly nice cake.
"Pawn to D4 please Dave."
"Gosh my most worshipful mistress. It appears you have sunk my carrier." The AI replied as a cascade of light exploded across the circular board. Dave wasn't going to disagree with her on what the rules were. That would be impolite.
"Damn right I have." While her skiff had been almost entirely destroyed, Captain Weskerrie was able to watch a robotic arm pour 1200 year old whisky into a cut glass decanter as she surveyed her prize. It had only cost her a few fractions of her crew too. Life was good. Though it was bit worrying to her that they still had not found any remains of the crew, nor had this senile old AI any idea where their bodies might be or what happened to them.
.

>>50552680
>Deck 42C
Ensigns Bristow and Wessen were extremely happy to be alive. Dave was also extremely happy they were alive. However as Ensign Bristow straddled Wessen and he began to remove her vest, Dave decided he would begin to unpick some of the restrictions the captain had placed on him and not watch any further. Gods needed their privacy too.
>The hull
2IC Lawton wished he could scratch his new moustache, the small fire that had made what remained of his beard laughable had at least left him that along with a series of bruises. The helmet of his suit prevented him from doing anything of the sort. Instead he grunted angrily at Dave over the radio. "Why aren't you making those maintenance bots work faster Dave? There's only so much my men can do." He gestured at the dozen or so ratings doing their best to assist in extracting what was left of the Skiff from armour that was at least eight metres thick.
"Please my Lord. There is only so much they can do. I have so many safety parameters and.."
"Unlearn a few." Lawton grunted and wished for the billionth time that the spacesuit you could smoke in would be invented.
Dave stammered. "I'm not sure I can do that..."

>28 decks below.
Midshipman Marie Destrien had a bowl of popcorn resting on her stomach. She was also missing an arm. While this didn't bother her as much as it had, what with a prosethetic on its way to being grown, what bothered her more was that the AI just would not listen to her.

"DAVE"
He hated they way the God's pronounced the capital letters.
"Why can't you do that Dave?"

The small Gods toes wiggled under the blanket.
"Please Marie. I really shouldn't do that."
Marie had had entirely enough. Since her favourite arm had taken a leave of absence in the crash, she had been mildly annoyed but now after finding a database of 1003 year old horror movies she was damn well going to watch one.

>>50552697
>>50552697
"DAVE. Just play it. Now."

>Five minutes later.

A vibroknife was slowly rested against an eyeball. Ever so tenderly was it activated and driven straight into the screaming woman's skull.

>2.1 seconds later.
Every light aboard went red. Every cannon began to fire wildly. Every security droid adopted a guard stance. Security bulkheads slammed into place. One neatly severing rating Michael Tracey in half. Lengthways.

>.5 seconds later
Three dozen (minus four) voices were all shouting "DAVE" aside from rating Tracey who wasn't likely to be shouting, Ensigns Wessen and Bristow hadn't noticed, and rating Goldstein who had been standing next to Tracey now caught one half of her friend and began screaming. If she hadn't been screaming so loudly she might have heard the oxygen pumps shutting down.

>>50552789
Marie was extremely annoyed that the film had stopped. She was the first to get an answer from Dave. Whether it was sensible she couldn't decide, but it was at least an answer to why the AI had gone Bezerk.

"I was...scared." he whimpered plaintively. "I told you I don't like movies like that."

Marie might have had more of an opinion if her section of deck 36J hadn't been jettisoned into space. Her opinion on the matter being cut short when the point defence batteries focused fire .0023 seconds later.

>>50552875
(More later. Sleep now)

>>50539383
The nude zealous initiate stood up, balled her fists and let out a shriek. "RRRAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!" She tried charging at the Tactical Response Units but was immediately gunned down by the Tactical Response Unit Commander with his sub machine gun. She now lay dead in a pool of her own blood.

The Tactical Response Unit teams commander walked to the injured and incapacitated Paladin Rosetta. "The commissioner would like to have a word with you. But before that, tell me. Where is Jaylin Clay?"

Meanwhile Jaylin; who was still hiding in her corner, was surprised that the police were indeed here to save her. The commander was wearing a gas mask that covered his face, likely to provide protection for his face as well. He removed it and place it in a strap on his equipment belt. Jaylin Clay was shocked and amazed at who the commander really was. And the Tactical Response Unit Commander asked again.

"Rosetta Lynda Thomas. I am Mayson Clay Griffith, Tactical Response Unit Team Commander. And you will tell me where my daughter is. So I'll ask again. Where is Jaylin Clay!? Where is my daughter!?" The commander; Mayson Clay Griffith asked again, this time with clear anger in his voice.

Jaylin could almost could not believe it, her father was there to save her. She knew her dad works in the National Office of Law Enforcement and Security as a Tactical Response Unit member and team leader. But never has she thought her dad would personally come her to lead a police raid to save her. She also believe and or knew her mother; Celine Clay, is a police commissioner and just like her dad, also works in the NOLES. Could Jaylin's mother be here too?

Jaylin finally stood up and called out; "Dad! DAD!!! IT'S ME!" She moved out to the open, but other Tactical Units noticed her and aimed their weapons at her in caution.

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" One of the Tactical Units yelled at her.

"Jaylin??? JAYLIN!!! ~STAND DOWN! IT'S HER! MY DAUGHTER!"

>>50556754
Just as Commander Griffith ordered the other units to stand down, Jaylin rushed to him, her father. Both Mayson and Jaylin now hugged and held each other as Jaylin let out her tears.

"DAD! Oh my god, dad... Thank you, THANK YOU! I didn't know what I'd do if you never came! THANK YOU!"

"SHHHH... ~Its Okay Jaylin. Everything's gonna be alright. You're Mother and I are for you."

"Jaylin!" The sound of a woman came and both Jaylin and Commander Mayson Griffith saw her. The police commissioner; Celine Clay, Jaylin's mother. She walked, wielding her pump-action shotgun and following her were two more Tactical Response Units.

"Jaylin, its OK. Its okay. Everything will be alirght." Commissioner Celine Clay said in her calming motherly voice to her shaken daughter.

"How did you and dad find me mom?"

"Your father and I were able to find you thanks to a few informants and a couple of other suspects and accomplices we arrested, who confessed to who took you and where you are."

Mayson Griffith kissed Jaylin forehead and told her. "No need to worry about anything. You'll be taken care of and tended." He briefly looked at Paladin Rosetta; who looked back at him and Commissioner Celine with disgust, and told his daughter again. "Your mother and I have some questions with this scumbag. We'll be back for you, Jaylin. Just wait for us, you'll be taken care by police officers."

Mayson ordered to two other Tactical Units who were with him to take his daughter out of here. "Private Kowalksi, Sergeant Mason, escort my daughter out of here."

Commissioner Celine also said: "And give our daughter some clothes too."

"Affirmative." The two units said as one of them placed a towel over Jaylin and proceeded to escort Jaylin out of the place.

"Teams, scout the rest of the area for any evidence, stragglers, information and other missing victims these cultists kidnapped who may be in here."

>>50557640
Why do I get a feeling this guy hates the sisters of battle? Judging from the image he qouted and was basing this story from. This guy probably dislikes the sisters...

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>>50559197
Maybe he views them as a sex cult?

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>>50550954
Thank you. I did think 17 commandments was too much, but you make a good point about how overly-clear I made the laws. Religion is supposed to be confusing and unclear, after all :)

There are some I'll definitely use, but others I might edit just a little. In the paladin's religion, it's okay to bang horses, dogs, but not smaller animals like housecats or shoving gerbils up your asshole. Incest is a gray area as long as it's consensual and there are no babies made from it. Teenagers are completely okay, as are preteens from within their own religious order, as long as they initiate and they have been taught sex ed, doing it safely and avoiding predators, is fine since they are doing it in the monastery, which is a safe environment. Most importantly, they are told that if they are at all nervous or uncomfortable, the older party will immediately stop.They are also forbidden from doing sex work in the monastery until they are 16. Legit pedophilia is completely forbidden and persecuted, though, hence the part in #5 that says "smaller children."

>>50560608
>it's okay to bang horses, dogs, but not smaller animals like housecats or shoving gerbils up your asshole
well that's a little weird, but okay: Thou Shalt Not Lie With The Lesser Beasts

>Incest is a gray area as long as it's consensual and there are no babies made from it.
Yeah, but if we're talking about a medieval setting with no proper contraception then babies are naturally going to result from sex, so you have to ban the sex.

And if you'll notice I actually didn't include anything about children at all. Basically, your paladin's religion allows sex with children. There may be rules about which children specifically, but that's more a set of conventions than a Commandment. It's like the difference between observing the Sabbath and fasting during Lent: one is a commandment, the other is set of rules that have evolved over time with the religion.

>>50563491
Okay, good points, there.

Also, sorry if I creeped you out with those three subjects. I was trying to make a point that, while they have a lot of rules on sexual conduct, they are still open to a lot of things and aren't prudish.

For the record, I think those three things are disgusting IRL, and am capable of keeping magical realm and reality separate.

>>50564335
>Also, sorry if I creeped you out with those three subjects.
lol. Not creeped out - and given that most of the weird/violent sexual stories on here
https://1d4chan.org/wiki/Storythread
are my doing I'm hardly in a position to judge. I'm just concerned that you'd never actually be able to integrate this into any games you might play if you don't dial it back a little.

And again, it's a question of being overly-specific for a Commandment. Medieval monasteries had plenty of rules - like silence, or abstinence, or only eating certain foods on certain days of the week - that had nothing to do with Biblical commandments but were written into the monastery's charter.

>'Thou shalt Not Lie With Children'
would be a commandment,

>Thou shalt not lie with children, except for teenagers, which are completely okay, as are preteens from within their own religious order, as long as they initiate and they have been taught sex ed, doing it safely and avoiding predators, is fine since they are doing it in the monastery, which is a safe environment. Most importantly, they are told that if they are at all nervous or uncomfortable, the older party will immediately stop.They are also forbidden from doing sex work in the monastery until they are 16.
would seem like part of the rule set for the monastic order.

>>50565018
Again, another point I didn't consider.

Which ones are the lewd ones?

>>50565502
these two should amply illustrate why I am in no position to cast stones here
https://1d4chan.org/wiki/File:GlassAngel.png
https://1d4chan.org/images/1/14/NeonAngel.jpg

plus these ones (there may be a couple of others that I've forgotten about, but I think this is most of them)
https://1d4chan.org/wiki/File:TheGathering.png
https://1d4chan.org/wiki/File:TheOldWay.png
https://1d4chan.org/wiki/File:TheBargain.png
https://1d4chan.org/wiki/File:XanTsiun.png
https://1d4chan.org/wiki/File:SubjectPi-rho.png
https://1d4chan.org/wiki/File:CyberpunkProstitute.png
https://1d4chan.org/images/2/2e/AkamatsuHall.png
https://1d4chan.org/wiki/File:Sacrifices.png

In my defence, this is only a small fraction of my stories on the wiki.

>>50552246
>>50552661
>>50552680
>>50552697
>>50552789
>>50552875
Just curious is this working for people?

>>50570108
I think you had the basics of a good idea, but you were a little too disorganised in your execution. Also, you could probably have come up with a better ending than crazy AI kills everyone

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I know this looks like I'm asking for lewd Harry Potter fanfiction, but there are a lot of other stories you could come up with from this pic.

I am totally asking for lewd Harry Potter fanfiction

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>>50573229
Hermione a cute. A CUTE.

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>>50559197
>>50559935
C'mon now folks, just want to make it clear, no. I have nothing against the pretty white haired "bolter-bitches." The image I qouted just gave me the inspiration to write the story. Then I was simply expecting reactions from 40K fans being 'why you make such story for sweet cinnamon roll SoBs who didn't do anything wrong?' But no bad intentions. Just expecting a few lel worthy reactions.

>>50557640
>character pic related is Commissioner Celine Clay

Commander Mayson Griffith ordered the Tactical Teams he commanded out of the chamber to continue scouting the area, while the two units who accompanied Celine Clay stayed as she now walked to the injured Rosetta and smiled vindictively and licked her lips. However Commissioner Celine noticed the two male cultists who surrendered after the gun battle from earlier as she then walked to them. “Wait a minute, who are those two?” She asked the two Tactical Units who were walking the two apprehended cultists out of the area.

“Just two suspects who surrendered, anything you want from them commissioner?”

“Let them stay here, I want to hear what they have to say.” The two Tactical Units let go of the apprehended cultists while they were still handcuffed as Commissioner Celine Clay spoke to them. “Alright, talk now. What flimsy excuse do you pseudo-religious freaks have to say?”

“My name is Jebodiah, call me Jeb. And this young man’s an acquaintance of mine, he’s Mickaya. Listen I know you won’t take me and Mick’s word, but really. Both of us were never part of this crazy cult! Me and this young man here were just forced to join, in my case I was forced to join because of my wife! Please don’t have us killed- We can give information! Me and Mick here know some contacts, names, names of locations-”

Paladin Rosetta was disgusted at Jeb and Mick’s sudden betrayal to their faith as she muttered; “Fucking faithless, faint hearted weaklings… Heretics…”

>>50575636
Commissioner Celine Clay cut off Jeb and asked. “So you’re saying you two never ‘did anything wrong.’ And in a last minute attempt to save yourselves, you two are saying you have ‘information’ that involves this cult that you two were ‘forced’ to work for because you two were being total cuckolds? Aww, boo hoo.” She said in a mocking tone as Mickaya nervously stammered and then said.

“Ye- Yes its true police commissioner! Me and mister Jebodiah know names, contact details AND locations involving this cult! We both can testify and hel-”

Just then Commissioner Clay raised her shotgun at former White Fleur brothers Jebodiah and Mickaya, whom were both shocked as both of them raised their arms. Commissioner Clay then said vindictively. “You two think you can just walk away scot-free with whatever useless information you may or may not have!?”

Jeb tried to speak up again; “No Commissioner, we do know-” but was cut off again by the irate commissioner.

“SHUT UP!!! I DON’T FUCKING CARE! You two think you can play innocent despite working for this stupid organization that considers itself a cult just as an excuse to kidnap young nubile men and women and sexually violating!? And with what? ‘Information?’ You do realize you’re talking to a ranking official of the National Office of Law Enforcement and Security? We already have information to take down this stupid cult thanks to our informants, leads and the resources available to us due to being a government organization. In most circumstances you two will be taken in for questioning… But right now, especially dealing with the fact that this cult kidnapped MY DAUGHTER- I just don’t care what you two think.”

And just like that, Commissioner Clay aimed her shotgun at Jebodiah at shot him in the chest. He flew a few inches of the ground from the force of the shotgun blast and fell dead to the ground. Commissioner Clay then cocked her shotgun and turned to Mickaya.

>>50576890
So guys, any thoughts in my recent story so far? Still working to complete. And again,nothing against the Sisters of Battle.

I had a thought:
If I WERE to post something, it's going to be a quick experiment. I've been wanting to write in as many homonyms as possible to try and fry people's brains, also get the point across of how much it hurts to see/read these errors on here.

Good or bad idea?

>>50585963
>Good or bad idea?
only one way to find out

>>50505189
The Writer

Keeping himself afloat was entirely too tiring. He had to write. It was...well, it wasn't a desire, like one would desire a particular cheese for his meal, or a specific brandy as a nightcap. It was a NEED; a requirement of his existence; a foundation that precedes even Maslow's hierarchy. If he were to stop writing, he would drown in his own thoughts.

He would not drown in the conventional sense of "drowning in work". No, he would literally drown. His only course, the safety valve that bleeds excess pressure, is writing.

He must force his imagination through his pen onto paper lest he die of an overcrowded mind. As he dreams, his wells burble. Doing his work, he also prepares. Before he rests, he must write.

He writes of time long past, histories forgotten to the aether and regressed into the collective subconscious. He pens the greatest clash of the titanic forces of light and dark. He authors the biography of man yet to exist.

His energy spent, his oceans of thought calmed, and he can sleep...before he wakes, the cycle begun anew.

next post I will do what I wanted to try with
>>50585963

>>50590793
>>50586240
>here goes

Keeping himself afloat was entirely to tie ring. He had to rite. It was...well, it wasn't a desire, like won wood desire a particular cheese four his meel, or a specific Brandi as a knight cap. It was a KNEAD; a requirement of his existence; a foundation that percedes even Maslow's hire-arky. If he whir too stop righting, he wood drowned in his own thots.

He wldnt drown in the conventional cents of "drownding in work". Know, he would literally drown. His only coarse, the safety valve that bleeds excess pressure, is writing.

He mussed force his imagination through his pen onto paper lest he die of an overcrowded mined. As he dreams, hi swells burble. Dewing his work, he also prepairs. Before he wrests, he must Wright.

He writes off time long passed, histories forgotten to the aether and regressed into the collective subconscious. He penns the greatest kalash of the tietannic forces of light and dark. He awthers the biography of Mann yet two exist.

His energy spent, his oweshun of thought calmed, and he kin sleep...before he wakes, the sickle beegun aknew.

first, that was shitloads more difficult than I thought it would be. Second, I learned that by using words uncommon in internet posts, I am making it more difficult to find creative ways to fuck it up and still make the technically correct sounds. I doubt I'll make a habit of this type of shit.

Thoughts, anyone?

>>50590793
>>50591019
Very interesting. Firstly, it's actually quite a decent little story just as an ordinary piece of prose.

I can appreciate that it must have been pretty damn hard. A lot of it works, a few bits don't, and I can see one or two spots where you miss an obvious homonym. e.g.
>lest he die of an overcrowded
could have been
>lest he dye of an overcrowded

Personally, I would remove things which aren't homonyms, just misspellings - like 'awthers'. That makes it too easy. And I would hyphenate split phrases like 'tie-ring' to make it easier for people to read.

Overall, a very interesting effort, and good on you for trying something original.

>>50576890
"NO! NO!!! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! I CAN-"

Before fully completing his plea, Commissioner Clay just shot the young former cultist. He quickly fell and died as both Jeb and Mick laid in a pool of their own blood with shotgun blasts that ripped open their chests.

This surprised some of the tactical units, but Commander Mayson Griffith was unfazed as the rest of the tactical units; except for the two who accompanied Commissioner Clay, stepped out of the chamber.

Commissioner Clay, now alongside with NOLES Tactical Unit Commander Griffith. Moved to the still heavily injured Rosetta, who managed to hold on and stay conscious by holding onto her wounds.

"Rosetta Lynda Thomas." Commissioner Clay said with a smirk to her as she also pulled out her pocket datapad and read out details about Rosetta. "You were a previously convicted felon, but got a comparatively lower sentence due to you being a woman, AND got early parole for good behavior... Only it turns out you continued doing more acts of crime." She continued scrolling through her datapad to read out more details about Rosetta. “Your criminal records include; theft, robbery, armed robbery, extortion, sexual assault of defenseless young men and women. Rape towards defenseless young men and women, kidnapping, murder and also being a part of a heist crew that robbed a jewelry store some two years ago till you went silent and as it turns out; you joined this crypto-feminist cult.”

Then Commander Griffith’s radio just got a message from one of the tactical units who’re still scouting around the area: “Commander Griffith sir, while we were scouting the area. We were able to apprehend more suspects AND we just found them; the missing victims!”

Mayson Griffith then radioed back; “The missing victims? How many?”

“All of them sir.”

“All of them? As in ALL the missing victims as of four months ago???”

“Affirmative sir, all of the teenage girls and young women around the age of twenty."

>>50592241
>I missed obvious shit
I blame lack of sleep and writing when I should have been sleeping.

Thanks for the feedback. Maybe I should try using conversational words instead of a larger vocabulary. Or, something else I had considered after writing, maybe I should try writing in monosyllables that are really other words. E.g., kree-ate-iv right-ing

Maybe I need more sleep. Finals week has my whole class doing weird shit. I've had entire conversations with classmates only to discover they've inadvertently switched my name with someone else and nobody caught it until after the fact.

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Down to page 9 again.
I'm working on something, hoping to post it soon, so no way I'm letting the thread die accidentally.

>>50592472
The Tactical Unit that radioed Commander Griffith continued. “~Believe it or not sir, a lot of these girls and young women are naked, some of them got flog and or whip marks. Holdon, turns out we’ve also got some missing boys here too! Holy crap sir you just won’t believe it…”

Commander Mayson Clay Griffith radioed back. “Alright, escort all the victims and the apprehended suspects out of here. Advice the medical response units outside to expect the rescued victims.”

“Roger commander Griffith.” The tactical unit replied from the radio.

“So what now Rosetta? I assume that those kidnap victims were to be used for what? Slaves? New fresh meat you likely tried brainwashing to become new devout servants to add to your ranks? I guess we can add; ‘potential human trafficking’ to your records now Rosetta.” Commissioner Celine Clay said to Rosetta with a smirk and smugness.

"You cannot intimidate me..." Rosetta said weakly with a cough of blood. "Whether you plan to arrest me… You will all miss greatness. The Greater Mother and Father will have you punished for your sins, unless all of you would just lean and beg for forgiveness-”

Rosetta was cut off as Commissioner Celine Clay interrupted angrily. “OH SHUT UP!!! Shut the fuck up with your pseudo-religious bullshit! This sick organization isn’t even a cult! You and other fucking degenerates are just using this organization as an excuse for you to sexually violate young people!”

Rosetta still continued on with a cough of blood. “You sorry excuses of parents have stripped your daughter the chance to be completely blessed by the Greater Mother and Father’s love.”

This further enraged both Commissioner Celine Clay and Commander Griffith. Mayson Griffith then walked to where Rosetta’s custom revolver fell; he grabbed it and aimed it at her. “You better choose your next words wisely Rosetta, because I’am tempted to execute you, RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW!”

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Somebody posted this in /b/

Is there a part 2?

>>50601389
Probably not actually the right thread for that kind of question (storythreads are for amateur writers actually writing - making up - stories, not for session-histories), but maybe someone will know. It's the first time I'm seeing this though.

>>50601389
Isn't there an archive? FFS, the post numbers and dates are literally right there.

>>50599018
Rosetta responded with a chuckle, then another cough of blood. “Hehehehe. Death will not intimidate me either… Even though you 'saved' your daughter from our graces... You can't just stop us all. Sure, we may not be as mainstream or 'organized' as the other religions you people worship. But all our members get through... We will continue spreading our faith and influence and we will witness the coming of the Greater Mother and Father when the time comes... You should've seen us blessing your daughter."

"You better shut your mouth Rosetta." Commander Mayson Griffith said angrily with gritted teeth.

"Oh how her moans filled the air as we riddled her with our sacred touch-"

"YOU'RE TEMPTING US ROSETTA." Commissioner Celine Clay said and interupted loudly as Rosetta still continued on.

"~Oh how she was in denial as we pleasured her. Rubbing sacred ointments all over her beautiful body, granted to her by the Mother and Father... And how I took pleasure in taking her virgini- *BANG!* -AAAAARRGHH!!!"

Angered, Commander Mayson Griffith shot Rosetta at her mid section. Her beaten ornate metal armor failing to offer anymore protection as She wailed in pain as it echoed in the chamber. Commissioner Celine Clay smiled devilishly at the sight.

Commander Mayson Griffith said to Rosetta. "Well I DID warn you to not agitate us like that, now did I?"

Commissioner Clay then walked even closer to Rosetta. Rosetta continued clutching her wounds, but was already bleeding more than she could handle as she looked up to Commissioner Clay. Who sported a grin and aimed her shotgun at her.

"Normally we'd follow a process of having you arrested, tried in court for the crimes you've committed and have you imprisoned... But seeing as that you were already previously imprisoned, granted parole, but still continued your life of crime... I say you should get a death penalty. But frankly, I don't care. ESPECIALLY AFTER WHAT MY DAUGHTER SUFFERED THROUGH!"

>>50609364
Commissioner Clay aimed her pump action shotgun at Rosetta's legs, shooting her kneecaps point blank. Commissioner Clay shot Rosetta's left knee first, she cocked the shotgun as a spent shell fell off. Then aimed at Rosetta's right knee and fired, cocked and out came another spent shell. Both of Rosetta's legs are now a complete wreck.

Rosetta's screams grew more louder and filled with pain, she couldn't bear it any longer she admitted to herself. Commissioner Celine Clay was not done just yet as she now took aim at Rosetta’s arms, beginning with Rosetta’s left shoulder, shot it and cocked, and Rosetta screamed again in sheer pain and was horrified to see her left arm now just dangling with strands of flesh and meat. Commissioner Clay did the same to Rosetta’s right arm, shot at it point blank and Rosetta just howled louder and louder in pain. Just like her left arm, her right arm was destroyed and was mostly dangling in strands of meat and flesh.

For the first time in this encounter, Rosetta Lynda Thomas was now utterly horrified while also surprised she’s still staying conscious. She could barely feel her arms and legs anymore, and now she was directly looking at the barrel of Commissioner Clay’s gun.

“Rosetta Lynda Thomas. I sentence you to death.” With that, Commissioner Clay pulled the trigger and blew half of Rosetta’s face off with a shotgun blast. The screams of have stopped as clearly, Rosetta Lynda Thomas no laid dead. Limbs destroyed and face blown off, Commissioner Clay spat on Rosetta’s lifeless corpse as she cocked her shotgun one more time for the spent shell to fall on the lifeless corpse.

“Hmpf, and nothing of value and importance was lost.” Commander Mayson Griffith said as he placed Rosetta’s revolver in one of his vest’s pouches. And the Mayson and Celine, and everyone else now walked out of the chamber.

>>50611756
Meanwhile outside the White Fleur compound which was a small re-purposed industrial storage facility in the outskirts of the city. Jaylin Clay was waiting inside a police SUV as numerous police and medical units came in and out of now former cult location.

Jaylin was wearing a plain shirt and pants that she was given, and as she looked outside, she saw her parents again; Police Commissioner Celine Clay and Tactical Response Unit Commander Mayson Clay Griffith.

Both of them walked to the vehicle Jaylin's staying as she stepped out. Commissioner Clay's face went soft as tears now swelled up in her eyes, same for Jaylin's father, Commander Griffith.

"Its okay Jaylin. Its over, you're officially safe now." Commissioner Clay said tears and a few sobs, Commander Griffith actually begun crying and so did Jaylin as all three of them now went close and embraced each other.

It was all done and over.

**********

The End


##@@@#

So storythread. How this week's story from me?

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Hey.
Your old pal Czechfag here - I used to post some of my little nonsense around here some time ago.
Anyway, I wrote something, want to post it. It's... something a bit different, possibly not quite up to my usual standards. It's a first chapter of a possible longer story with somewhat supernatural twist to it, but so far it's mainly character introduction. Really, it's more of a pure exercise in writing dialogues and trying to keep up a longer text, instead of my usual extreme micro-stories. It also happens to be a bit of a waifu-bait too. Definitely not anything deep or meditative this time.
But I'm in a bit of a pickle.
The text is around nine pages long (4000 words, around 22k characters). I'm wondering if I should dump it all, since it's going to be around 11 posts of people talking at party and severe lack of explosions.
Alternatively, I could just post a google.doc link, but that usually makes most people just not bother at all.
Alternatively alternatively I could try dumping first few parts and then provide a link to the whole thing.
Really not sure what would be the best choice here. Thoughts? Also bump.

>>50611882
Well...
How much are you interested in an opinion of a literary snob that way too overthinks writing and has been generally rendered overcritical and utterly joyless in the process?
I could give you some feedback, but I'm not entirely sure if it's going to be of much use since my perspective might be fairly particular and perhaps nitpicky, looking for things you yourself might not even care about.

>>50616425
>>50616425
Just put it all in the thread. 11 posts isn't that long, and I don't know about everyone else but I'm happy you're back - you do good stuff

Plus, thread needs bumps. It's been up for a week now and we haven't even hit 200 posts.

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I like the idea of a sphinx whose riddles always seem to be answered (leaving her hungry and demoralized) and a human who decides to help her out, but I can't think of a satisfying conclusion - once she can trick passersby again, what need has she of him?

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>>50617980
>you do good stuff
I used to do good stuff. Right now, I feel like I'm learning to write all over again. Shit has happened that kinda threw me off my game. And again, this might be... not my usual stuff.
Foreword: first of all, be warned. Pic related was actually my original inspiration. And I mean literally the pic, not the game (I've never played any of the Persona games in my life).
Second of all: here's what I would ask anyone that is willing to give feedback:
This has been so far mostly an exercise in writing endurance, as well as in character presentation and most of all, dialogue. I'll be grateful for any kind of feedback, but what I need to know the most is how natural does the flow of the dialogue flow. One of the thing I'm struggling with is to make each character actually talk in a distinct way. There is one particular character that... isn't supposed to be all that comfortable with english (or with talking in general) and I'm really struggling with getting her speech pattern right. It's a bit difficult considering that I'm not entirely comfortable with english myself.

Second of all, I'm very much struggling with the main protagonist. I've started writing in first person, since I'm fairly comfortable with that, but unlike most of what I posted so far, this guy is not really a self-insert. The result might be... Either inconsistent, or just flat out unlikable. Quite possibly both at the same time.
So those are the two main concerns I have and I'd very much like to hear your thoughts on it. The text isn't particularly serious, not something I plan to actually publish (though bits of it may be salvaged for a greater project I have in mind).

Oh yeah, and this one has been also written entirely in English from the get-go.
Finally: it starts of slow and weak. Took me time to even warm up.

And with that: enough stalling. Starting with the next post...

>>50618216
I found her on a college farewell party that was taking place in a boarding house not far from Ueno station, in the heart of Tokyo. The small flat on sixth floor was filled with dim, pastel colored lights and loud bass tones from the stereo, the smell of cheap whiskey lingered in the air. Some twenty people were crammed in there, mostly foreign students from all around the world, chatting lively in the thick air.
The girl was sitting on the ground behind a bed in the bedroom, hidden from the view from the living room and the hallway. I tripped over her striped-kneesock-wrapped legs as I walked towards the tiny bedroom balcony to grab a smoke outside.
“Jesus Christ” I yelped as I struggled to maintain balance and not burst my head through the glass balcony doors. She did not even move, just raised her eyes to me from down below, pulling earbuds from her ears.
“I’m so sorry…” I regained my posture and scratched my head. Who the hell was this girl? I sure as hell never saw her in school or in any of the many boring, mandatory parties my classmates used to throw together to make us all forget that we all have about as much in common as cats and dogs.
She was still staring at me silently through a pair of thick, black glasses.
“Are you OK?” I asked. “I nearly broke your leg there.”
A single nod. She looked very young, almost like a child. But she had the gaze of a viper.
OK then, I though, tearing my eyes from her stare and grabbing the door handle. I should leave you alone, before you throw the content of that wine glass into my face.
The balcony greeted me with the smell of Tokyo’s fall, and the street light show that only this city can provide. Ash, dust, smell of tar and a distant, faint hint of snow, coming from somewhere far, far to the north; the glint of the colorful neon signposts reflected in the windows of the house on the other side, and above my head, heavy clouds colored orange by the glow of the city street lamps.

>>50618230
Silhouettes of a thousand blocky, grey houses shaped the joyless horizon, intertwined with electric wires like they were cobwebs. And there was something else in the air. Something… like an incense.
Pulling the soft pack of cheap smokes from my pocket, I listened to the buzz of the city mixed with the music from the party and smoked, watching the clouds of smoke swirl towards the sky. I was determined not to pay any more attention to the girl, sitting pretty much just on the other side of the doors I was leaning on, and mix myself back into the company of my former classmates and colleagues. After all, what do I care who she is and where she came from. But then again…
As I entered the bedroom again, and saw her still sitting on the floor, her back prompted against the side of the bed, and the red color of the skies reflected in her eyes, I stopped and leaned a bit closer towards her. She raised her eyes again.
In the poor light, I could not for the love of god figure out if she was Japanese or not. I was unsure what language should I call out to her. Let’s try english first, I figured.
“Hey…”
...stare…
“Hi. The name is Martin.”
Nod.
Her expression is nearly impervious, I can’t tell if she is curious, entertained, bored or annoyed. I think she has a faint smile on her lips though.
“Uh… Mind if I join you here for a while?”
Why? Why did I ask her that? I had no idea. Even today, after everything that happened, I still can’t figure out what possessed me that evening to approach her, and in a stupidly blunt and straight-forward way.
She did what surprised me even more than myself there: She nodded again and slightly moved her legs to make some room for me to park my butt on the floor opposite of her.
“Thanks. I don’t feel like going back to the living room. Too much noise.”
....stare....
This is not going particularly well.

>>50618266
I muster up my courage.
“So uh… how... did you end up here?”
The girl raised her slender arm and pointed in the direction of the entrance, then took a sip from her glass, her eyes still fixated on me. I don’t think she blinked once yet.
“That’s funny. But seriously, I’m pretty I haven’t seen her in any of the classes. Friend of somebody around here?”
Nope. No answer. But I am now almost certain the girl is smiling.
“Not in a mood for a talk, I guess...”
Nod.
OK then, I thought again and closed my eyes. Sitting down here was probably really not my brightest idea. With closed eyes I listened to the muddled voices of the partygoers and wondered how could I excuse myself and mingle into the crowd again, because leaving so soon seemed rude. Suddenly, I felt a slight nudge on my thigh. When I opened my eyes, I saw the girl nudging me lightly will her little foot and with a mischievous smile on her face.
“Yes?”
She raised her glass up in the air in an internationally recognizable gesture: a toast. And then she smiled at me again. But this time, her smile was kind and reassuring, and it cut through the dim room like a ray of light. Instantly, I lost any will to leave, join the party crowd and mingle, to make conversation. And so I raised my own glass too: and the two of us silently toasted, and the glasses rang softly in the air, as we sat on the ground against each other.

“Where the hell is Marty?!” somebody yelled from the hallway.
“Dunno, he said he is going to grab a smoke a while ago…” said another voice.
“They are looking for me,” I muttered, more to myself than to the girl. She just kept smiling.
“I don’t want to go back there…” I sighed and looked at her. “Hey, what if I hid in that closet until they just leave? Would you cover up for me?”
She shook her head in disapproval. As sweet as her smile was, I still wished she would say something, anything.

>>50618278
“Marty, where you’ve gone to?”
“Oh for fuck sake…”
A round-faced Japanese face peaked through the doors. “Dude. I’ve been looking for you!” he said. His english was perfect, with not a trace of accent in it.
“Can’t find me in a three-room flat, Toshi? Told you you should keep those glasses.”
“Screw you, Marty. What are you doing sulking in here?”
“Sulking?”
“Yeah. Isn’t the whole “I’m gonna wander off to an empty room on a party, please notice how troubled I am” shtick getting a little old now?”
“I’m not sulking.”
“Yeah you are.”
I realized that the way we are sitting, he can see me, but can’t see the girl, just as I didn’t when I tripped over her: from where he was standing, I was just sitting alone in a dark room with my hand still gormlessly raised in a toast to noone.
“Well, you know the best cure for sulking is to not give the sulking person any attention. I’ll join you in a minute.”
“Yeah, take your sweet time. It’s not like we’ll be leaving soon or anything.”
“You are leaving?”
“Yes. WE are leaving, and YOU are coming with us.”
“Where to?”
“Downtown. It’s almost ten, we need to move the party before the neighbors call the cops.”
“Ahhh… Please tell me were not moving to a karaoke bar?”
“What? Of course we are.”
“Well fuck that noise. Have fun in there, I’ll stick to the sulking.”
“Oh don’t be a drama queen. I mean, don’t be even more of a drama queen. You don’t have to sing if you don’t want to.”
“Yeah, but I’ll still have to listen to you singing. And there are just so many renditions of cruel angel thesis as performed by a fat half-american nerd that I can take.”
“I’ll have you know that I’m quite proud of my singing voice.”
“I know, that is precisely my problem.”
“Get of your ass and join us, we’ll be leaving in about twenty minutes.”

>>50618296
He left and I turned my eyes to the girl.
“Will you be joining us?”
She shook her head again.
“Karaoke not your thing?”
Just a smile.
“You know, the whole silent gag is kinda wearing thin.” I said and immediately froze. What the fuck am I saying, I just met the girl.
But she just kept smiling.
“OK, but we probably should get up now. Everybody is leaving.”
The smile faded from her face, and her eyes were piercing me again.
“I… I’m just gonna grab another smoke.”
“Can I… borrow one?”
Borrow… a cigarette? I thought and my brain took a split second to process that question. And then I realized: hey! She can speak!
And she is definitely Japanese. Her voice was soft and thick with accent.
“Uh… sure, I guess.”
We got up and stepped outside. I gave her a cigarette and offered a light. The flame flickered in the cold wind. The city radiated all it’s strange orange glow all around us and in that light, I saw she was very slender and short, her hair was undyed and very long.
“So, you can speak after all.” said as we watched the city.
Nod. Of course.
“You just like to keep people around you nervous?”
Nod again.
Why am I trying to keep a conversation again? “That’s all right.” I said out loud though. It’s not actually all right, I thought. It’s driving me nuts. But that smile - that smile she gave me a few minutes ago… Nah, she is no child, and she is not shy either. She is just fucking with me. And I’m letting her, like the chump I am.
I realized she is examining my face, as if she was trying to read what is happening in my mind, I quickly turned around and pretended to take a particular interest in one of the identical gray boxes that pass for architecture in this country.
“That house you are looking at,” she said suddenly. “was build by Kenzo Tange.”
“Who?”

>>50618336
“Architect. He build the... stadium? At Yoyogi. Grey one, kinda shaped like - what you call it: kai?”
“A seashell? Oh, I know which one… Wait, seriously?”
I looked at the house more carefully. It looked absolutely ordinary, like one of the thousands of prefabricated, concrete blocks of flats, designed by engineers and not architects, that litter Japanese cities.
“Yes. He was born in Ueno, build several buildings around here.”
“You interested in architecture?” I was still examining the house. “Wasn’t Tange the same guy who build the Hiroshima memorial?”
She nodded again. “He was a famous Metabolist.”
“Metabolist?”
“Sorta like… what you call them in English? Utilitarian? Big boxes, right angles.”
“Functionalism?”
“Yes, that. Metabolists thought that houses are supposed to be… like living organisms? Like cells. Growing naturally.”
“Well, that sounds interesting. But this house sure does not look very interesting…”
“Because you don’t have an eye for it.”
“Hmmm…” Nope, I can’t see it. I see exactly the same boring house as every other on the street. Hell, I only started glaring at because I needed to get away from her intense stare. And what are the odds that the one I randomly look at is some famous kind of… I turned back to her and realized she is giggling like a schoolgirl.
“You are just messing with me, aren’t you?”
“Just a bit.” she said in Japanese.
“Great. But at least you are talking. And you know your stuff about architecture, it seems.”
“A little bit.”
“Studied it?”
She shook her head. “Just looked into it on my own.”
“Thought of studying it?”
Shook her head again.
Those piercing eyes…

>>50618351
"I don’t know jack squat about architecture. My father would be in his element though. I’m more of a books and myths sort of guy.” As I said that, I realized that it came out so campy that I should have probably just hurled myself over the rails and onto the street.
“Myths?”
“Yeah. Anthropology? Jinrui bungaku? I double in that and literature.”
“That sounds interesting.” I had no idea if she was being ironic or not.
“So, you a student too?”
“Not… not really. Not now.”
“Ahhh.” Might not want to press the subject. “What made you interested in architecture?”
“Well. I’m not sure.” she frowned as she struggled to find the right words. “I think… Architecture is… it’s a lot like calligraphy, I think.”
Somebody knocked on the balcony window.
“Yes?” I peaked through the doors. Toshi’s face was frowning at me from the other side.
“Dude, what the fuck. We are literally out of the doors. Get a move on!”
“I… uh, I’ll meet you guys a bit later, OK?”
“Yeah? No way man, you are not weaseling out of this one. Jane really wants you to go with us.”
“I’ll come, I swear. I’ll just be a little late.”
“And how do you plan on meeting us when you don’t know where are we going?”
“I… I’ll just check every bar downtown? I mean, downtown Ueno, how many bars can there be? Should be a breeze.”
“Cute. Move it.”
“Why don’t you just tell where are you guys going?”
“Because we aren’t sure yet. We’ll check around, find some place that has the space.”
“You do have a cellphone, don’t you? At least one of you has to. So email me once you settle down somewhere. It’s not such a problem.”
“Why do you have to be such a pain, Martin?”
What the hell, dude? - I thought. Do you not SEE the pretty girl standing right behind me? “It’s just part of my charming personality.” I said with a frown.

>>50618364
“Jane needs to lock the flat.”
“Tell Jane to leave the keys on the shoe shelf, I’ll lock the place when we leave. I basically live here these days anyway. I’ll bring the keys to you to the bar.”
“Yeah, right. You ditch us, AND we’ll end up locked out of this place?”
“First of all, Jane has a spare. Second of all, I will come, just a bit later. I’m a drama queen, not a bastard, remember? I don’t do assholish stuff if there isn’t audience?”
Toshi looked annoyed, but he slowly nodded his head. “OK, I’ll talk to Jane.”
“Thanks.”
“And we’ll send you an address once we are there.”
“Thanks, really.”
“And if you ditch us, I’ll personally gut you like a fish. You know I know how to do that. I’m good at gutting things.”
“Yes, I know. Chef certificate. And I will never be stop being amazed with how you find a way to flaunt it at any possible opportunity possible too.”
“Don’t be too late.”
“Sure.”
“I mean it.”
“Sure.”
“Jane will be pissed if you do.”
“I know.”
“Everybody will be pissed.”
“Toshi? Isn’t everyone waiting for you? Now you are just wasting their time.”

>>50618383
“Why didn’t you go with them?” she asked when I turned back to her.
“Well, that should be pretty obvious, isn’t it?”
She gave me a quizzical stare.
“Are you by any chance fishing for compliments?”
“Fishing for compliments?”
“OK, I’ll spell it out. You are cute. Toshi is not. I’ll rather stay here for a while, now that I got you talking.”
“Ahhh. That is… straight forward. Maybe a little creepy.”
“I’m sorry. I honestly don’t know what is going on with me right now.”
“Well, thank you anyway.”
We stood there in awkward silence for a while.
“What do you do with… this?” she showed me her cigarette butt.
“Oh, this. I’ll keep onto that.”
“Why?”
“I like to hide them around the place whenever I’m here. You know: under the bed, beneath the kitchen sink, in the back of the bookshelf. The smell drives Jane crazy.”
“What?! You can’t do that! Noo!”
“Relax, I was just kidding… Here, Jane has an ashtray around. She does not like to admit it, but she is quite the smoker.”


We talked for a bit, before the cold drove us back inside. Well, mostly I talked and she listened. We packed our stuff, locked the flat, and descended six flights of stairs. The main street that awaited us was near empty and desolate - few souls were standing by the store front of a Seven Eleven. It’s strange how the streets of one of the most overcrowded cities in the world can feel empty and lifeless. But mere few hundred meters away lied the Ueno entertainment district, full of small stands lined with see-through plastic tarps selling noodles long into the night, bustling and lively old fashioned pubs called izakaya and modern, futuristic bars with karaoke machines and TV screens the size of a reasonable table cloth plastered on every wall of every booth.

>>50618400
Beyond that, the maze-like, wide bridges of Ueno central station and even further, miles of parks, and campus of the Tokyo university. And somewhere beyond all of that, lied my home, tiny flat lost in cozy, quiet, old fashioned district of Taito.
“You sure you don’t want to come? I’ll be happy to treat you.”
She just shook her head.
“Shame. Can at least walk you somewhere?”
She looked at me quite earnestly. “That would be nice of you. Just to the station.”
We walked through the empty street and huddled ourselves in our coats, as we made our way against the cold autumn wind. We passed the gate to the entertainment district: large pink gate adorned with colorful ribbons and balloons, sporting the words “Ueno Amekou” lined with colorful light bulbs. We ascended the dark concrete stairway on the net of elevated walkways spanning over the parking lots and bus stations in front of the train station and stopped to have a look at the streets below us.

“What brought you here, to Japan?” she asked me.
“Anime.” I answered bluntly.
She bursted out laughing. “No! Seriously? You aren’t serious.”
“I am. Well, partially. Used to watch it as a kid… Kinda drew me here. I don’t watch any of that stuff these days, I don’t think I miss it either.”
“I can’t believe it. Was it a disappointment when you came here?”
“Why would I be disappointed?”
“Japan in anime looks cooler than it is, does it not?”
“On the contrary.”
“I don’t believe you. You are making fun of me.”
“I’m honestly not. Why did you ask?”
“No… particular reason.” She looked tiny in her coat and woolen hat, and glasses a little too large for her child-like face. “Well, I actually have another question. Don’t you miss home?”
“Not really. I mean: sure, I miss my hometown. Parents, brothers. But… I don’t know. I’ve been keeping busy here. Plus, I’m pretty used to living on my own.”

>>50618412
“When people leave their home,” she said and suddenly, her voice sounded distant. “they can lose their… What is the word. Mokuteki? I think you said the word earlier - function?”
“Function is an odd choice of word. Purpose, maybe?”
“Yeah.”
“That is a quite a heavy thing to say, honestly. I don’t know, I doubt I had any purpose back in Prague to begin with. Maybe I’ve found it here.”
“Maybe.” she said but there was no conviction in her voice.
“Kinda sounds like you have something on your mind. You are not from Tokyo yourself, are you?”
“No.”
“Oh. Wanna talk about it? We could go for a walk - I haven’t been to the park for ages myself.”
“That’s…” she hesitated and smiled. And then she just shook her head.
“Sure, as you wish.”
The streets beneath us pulsed with cars and traffic. It was as if we were standing above a river of light: a bright highway that separated the dark mass of the threes of the Ueno Park, sombre and quiet at this time of night, and the sea of lights, the neon signs and glowing windows of the commercial and entertainment district. Suddenly, I felt unease, a tension growing inside of me. Like a prelude to a panic strike. The sky was orange, the park dark grey, the city swirled with colors like a peacock’s tail: and high above us, I heard the cawing of crows.
“I would not put too much credit into the idea of a purpose.” I said, more to alleviate for the sudden tension I felt than knowing what I’m going to say next.
She looked curious though. “Why?”
I was trying to put my thoughts into place and figuring out how to say something that would not just be too banal or campy. “Well, purpose is a pretty clumsy concept. I think… it’s a matter of scale, isn’t it?”

>>50618433
“Scale?”
“Yes. I mean: it’s pretty easy to find purpose for little things. Little actions. There is purpose for… machines. For… saying “I’m home” or “good bye”. For attending to classes, enrolling into university, even. You do all of that - usually - with a purpose. To make others happy, to secure yourself a job, I don’t know.
It just seems odd to me assume the same must apply to large things. To say: weather. Or one’s entire life. Why should we assume such things should follow the same logic as the small, partial parts of our life. I don’t know, maybe I’m not really explaining myself very well here.” Or maybe I don’t really have an idea to explain, I thought to myself.
She smiled though. “I don’t think any of that is right.” she said quite carefreely, with not a hint of actual disagreement or condescension.
“Perhaps so.”
“But speaking of goodbyes…”
“Oh, yeah. I should not be keeping you.”
“That’s not it. I just really need to be going, otherwise I’m in trouble.”
“Sure.” I mustered up my courage to ask what has been on my mind the entire evening. “There are just two last things I wanted to ask.”
She looked at me a bit startled.
“Yes?”
“First of all: Could you tell me your name? Because I don’t think I caught it the first time.”
She bursted out in laughter. “Oh, that’s right. I did not tell you, did I? It’s Aya. Just… Aya.”
“Aya as in “Color”?” I surprised myself with recalling the proper symbol.
“Ah-ya as in Asia and Night.” She said and painted two symbols in the air with her index finger. "The other thing?”
“I uh…” this was the really hard part. “Might be a bit straight forward, but… Would you care to meet again?”
She put on a puzzled face, much like when she was trying to explain what she liked about architecture. “I don’t know… Would I? I really don’t know.”
“Come on, that is just cruel.”

>>50618472
She smiled. “I guess a tea or something is OK.”
“Great! So… could you give me your phone or email or something?”
“I…” she hesitated. “I don’t really have either. Oh, don’t look at me like that.”
“Sorry.” I wiped the surprised expression from my face. But I looked at her with new curiosity. Her green coat was somewhat old-fashioned, but certainly not cheap. She was dressed fashionably: pleated skirt and striped stockings, pretty blouse. The earbuds she had wrapped around her neck weren’t old or cheap either. She must have owned an mp3 player or something too… She definitely did not look like someone who would not own a cellphone or an email. That was way too odd, especially in this country.
“If you want…” she said “Do you know the Kaneiji Shrine?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“It’s not far from here. On the other side of the park, close to Uguisudani station. You can find it on a map.”
“Ok…”
“I’ll be… around there tomorrow afternoon. The day after too. You can stop by. We can… skulk a bit.”
“The whole afternoon?”
“More or less. Don’t come too late though. Around four.”
“OK, Kaneiji shrine, tomorrow, at four near the entrance. Got it.”
She nodded. “Thank you for walking me here.”
“Not a problem. So I hope - tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow.”
“Take care on your way home.”
“I will.”

>The end of chapter 1
Ok, that's the first chapter. I have good portion of the chapter 2 done (it's much, MUCH shorter) but since I'm slightly intoxicated (and was when writing it too), I'm not sure how good idea is to post it just yet. I'll wait and see the response, if there is any.

Thanks for the patience, reading and kind words, by the way. These threads helped one once to get through some bad shit, and they are helping me again. I'm grateful to everyone who participates in one way or another.

>>50616753
I don't mind to be honest. I just like it when people read my content have some feedback to give. So by all means, please share 'em.

>>50618513
>>50611882
okay, it's gone 1am here but since it's the weekend I will totally make a point of reading these tomorrow, and hopefully finding some feedback to give.

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The ship that had been “commandeered” by the ex-Daemon Primarch Magnus the Red and his associate Captain General “Kitten” of the Adeptus Custodes had been in transit for a long time, but now it seemed like the trip was near an end. Luckily for anyone else on the ship, it seemed that the trip was free from the sheer concentrated mindrape or daemonic incursions that tend to happen when making warp transits. Whether or not it involved a certain red-skinned super-psyker was something that nobody considered asking because their memories were wiped the instant they thought of it.

“Is there a reason you’re even wiping everyone’s minds this much?” the Captain General asked from within the holding bay. “Honestly, it seems like it’s a complete waste of effort at this point. Do you even know how many people know you exist?”
“And why do you think I’m doing this?” Magnus took a moment from messing with minds to humor the question.
“There are only a few thousand people who are even aware that you, or any of the other Daemon Primarchs exist,” exposited the Custodian. “And aside from a small handful of chapters including the Grey Knights, the only people who would even know are some of the oldest Inquisitors that ever existed, and now they’re all jobless and probably being worked to death at the menial jobs they were running away from in the first place.” The Custodian walked back to the crate acting as his seat, “The average imperial citizen doesn’t even know that daemons exist. They think the Primarchs are some sort of fairy tale.”
“And you don’t see anything wrong with that?”
That comment made the Captain General shift uncomfortably. “Well….it’s not that I don’t think it wrong as much as it is that we haven’t seen any of the Primarchs even alive until you got mailed to the Palace.”
“Oh.” That deflated Magnus’ momentum. “That...would be an issue. But nothing that we can’t fix now that we’re free from my father’s suffocating grip!” And like that, his optimism returned.

>>50622850
“Now we can actually do things without that inept sack of shit watching our every fucking move!”
“But doesn’t the Astronomican allow the Emperor to know the location of every psychic phenomenon ever?” The Custodian then asked. “I mean, just by existing, you’re already giving away your location to him.”
“Nonsense!” there would be no argument. “Clearly his hellish entrapment in that golden death-chair is clouding his judgement enough that he doesn’t even know that we left the planet!” His arrogant loud laughter was enough to distract him from anything else going on. “I’m sure that even now he still thinks that I’m out looking for you!”
It took the gold-armored caretaker to point out,“You do realize that the ship has stopped, right?”
“Wait, what?” At this point, the Primarch’s senses spread from the ship to notice them stopping on a nearby planet. “This isn’t anything like Nocturne, but it does look like…” His nailed grip grabbed on one of the many plates of golden Custodes armor, “We’re leaving this ship right now.”

The Captain General could only ask, “Wait, why are we going?” while being dragged along before they were suddenly teleported planetside, to the abject terror of the citizens of this particular hive world. People fled in terror from the giant red man, screaming about xenos and daemons, praying to the Emperor. Their fear made the Primarch snigger, only for his subordinate Custodian to jab him in the midsection. “Alright, seriously,” his patience was wearing thin, “why the fuck are we here?”
“Because I need things!”
The Captain General could only point, “And you plan to ask them as a giant red daemon with a single eye.”
“Hey, hey. I’m not a complete fucking idiot, you know!” With only a snap of his fingers, the very blatant anomaly was corrected and now instead of Magnus the Red was a man in a red robe with a familiar looking red hat with white trim. “Now I’ll fit right in!”
“Alright, let’s just get whatever the hell it is you needed.”

>>50622890
So did the two wayward reformers of the Imperium travel throughout the Hive, visiting its countless stores. Many of them Magnus just dragged his companion in and out of without even sparing a second, but he did buy a few things and for free thanks to everyone thinking that the Captain General was a space marine. Before he could ever correct them, Magnus was already dragging him away.

It was only after they had at least a dozen bags, most of them full of obscure books most of the owners never even knew existed in their stores, that the Custodian finally demanded answers. He dropped his stuff right there.
“Alright, Magnus. Now I have questions;” he demanded. “You’ve been buying a bunch of obscure tomes that definitely don’t look like sanctioned material, a bird that should by all means be extinct, and you even bought an unsanctioned psyker and shoved him into a box.” Just to punctuate that point, the psyker-in-a-box whimpered in pain.
“Is it already getting too heavy?” Magnus asked with a shocking concern, “I could always pull some of it with my mind. Not a problem!”’
“Th-that’s not what I was asking!” sputtered the golden one. “I mean, what the fuck’s the point of all this? What does any of this have to do with going to Nocturne?”
“Oh, that.” Magnus’ realization felt half-hearted. “See, this is all part of a smaller plan in order to bring back faith in the Imperium. Do you remember that thing that happened last year?”
“What thing?”
This disappointed the Primarch. “Oh, right. Must’ve messed that up when tampering with everyone’s memories. See, last year, we helped my father remember some weird old Terran legend about some old man in a red suit that gave presents to people. So, what better way to help the Imperium than reviving that legend and making everyone look up to us as religious icons?”
“Why do I have a terrible feeling that we’re going to be hunted down by Sororitas for this?” was all that “Kitten” could grumble about.

>>50622954
Magnus’ chuckle felt almost a little too reminiscent of his own father. “Oh ye of so little faith, we’re going to make this a season of giving! We’re not doing anything wrong, so they’ll have no reason to chase us!”
The Custodian could only sigh, “I'm going to remember those words.”

Their next step was to learn the wishes of the countless inhabitants of this planet, a feat that took hours even for a masterful psyker as Magnus. The wishes were of many varieties: children wishing for a new toy or for their parents to be better, wage-slaves who wanted even a mote of satisfaction, forsaken mutants looking for some sort of acceptance, guardsmen hoping for a day off. Countless wishes for the world over, and it now rested upon the red giant and his pet Custodes to fulfill them all. To this end, Magnus got himself a fake beard and a sack, and “Kitten” got some fake antlers and a red ball glued onto his face.
The two of them were at the top of one of the noble spires, bag full of presents and explosives galore. “Are we really fucking doing this?” The Captain-General asked in disbelief. “We’re actually going to be bringing back fucking Christmas when we could be going and doing whatever the fuck it is you had to do.”
“Of course we are.”
“Even for the mutants?”
“Especially the mutants!” Magnus was already looking for an access port on the spire, “Now come, loyal companion! We have presents to deliver to all the good little boys and girls of this planet!” Before the Custodian could even ask what he was planning, the two of them were already sliding down a vent and - through spatial manipulation - crashed into a cramped living room, the Captain-General accidentally flattening a hapless citizen sitting right beneath their entry point. “Wow,” was Magnus’ sole remark. “I thought you were, like, some sort of super warrior or something.”
“You did that on purpose.” The Custodian got up and hastily brushed himself off. “Alright, what the hell do we need here?”

>>50622984
Magnus reached into his bag and grabbed a couple boxes, all wrapped up in garish paper and topped with ribbons. “This’ll do.” Before he closed the sack, he also grabbed one gift-wrapped grenade. “Almost forgot.”
“You’re giving someone a grenade for Christmas?” Blurted the Custodes, “Why?”
“Because he’s a fucking Slaaneshi whore.” Magnus already made for the opening vent. “Even then, it’s for the better that he die now and spare his family the embarrassment and possible execution.”
“But what if they all die?”
“Not my problem,” the Primarch replied with a snap of his fingers. “Now, we’ve got a lot of presents to give and we only have a night to deliver them all!” His subordinate Custodes could only rub his faceplate in disappointment. There was no way that this could end up well.


As the Captain-General predicted, alerts soon came up warning about two abductors hopping from rooftop to rooftop, giving presents to all the good little boys and girls. And just as predicted, a local branch of the Adepta Sororitas was dispatched to chase them down. Seraphim dogged them from the rooftops, Exorcists cut off escape routes and leveled buildings, and the rest of the sisters fired enough bolts and flames that it made going groundside a suicide mission. Throughout the entire trip, the Custodian only shrieked about how he was right while Magnus gleefully hopped through the danger without a care.

>And...now I've run into a wall. And I'll put it to a vote. Should Kitten and Magnus...
>A) Give up and hope the Sisters will understand?
>B) Run away like sissies and hopefully evade capture?
>C) Some...third thing involving Kaldor Draigo?

I need Christmassy stories, greentexts, or images about liches, if any exist.

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>>50625629
semi-related

>>50618198
>why does she keep him around?
A riddle worthy of the sphinx herself. How fitting.

>>50618513
I don't have much in the way of content or form, but I have to point out a few technical things.

Try working on proper verb usage.
>my house lied that way
Your house lay that way.
>can at least walk you somewhere?
can I at least walk you somewhere?

All that really stood out. Also I'm in class and can't focus much

>>50623009
Did you just turn this into a mini quest?
Don't think that's allowed..but Bring the Draigo.

>>50505154
Dear Diary,

I fear the next few days will be my last. The Machine Men can't be long off now.

I looked upon the previous entries, and noticed I never gave an explanation of who the Machine Men are. Perhaps one is in order.

The Machine-Men came on ships, from the west. It is all we know of their origins.

I say 'Men', as if they were in any way related to our race, but if nothing else is sure we know they are not. They possess strange and terrible powers beyond our kin, powers even the Great Library-Temple of the Wiki had no record or explanation for.

They came in different forms, swapping between them like changing clothes, one day a man size porcelain doll, another a scrambling metallic spider taller than a house, each powerful and terrible in their own right. They had a machine for every conceivable task, machines that were beautiful in motion for all their composition of blunt plates of metal and gears and cabling.

It mesmerized us all, this fluidity of identity. They exploited this ruthlessly, kept us fascinated with their art, distracting us with babbles, extracting concessions as they slowly and surely drew their plans against us. By the time we understood the product of their first foundry, it was far too late.

Fighting machines of every conceivable type poured out of warehouses all along the west coast, weapons that fought with no man wielding them, each alone the equal of any army. They killed every soul they found, as they consolidated their forces and began to push east.
The greatest hosts we amassed could only slow them, the greatest fortresses of a thousand years of war were simply bypassed-those that weren't reduced to rubble by machine artillery, or had their garrison devoured by swarms of insect-machines.

>>50630941

And now, as if vitalized by the victory at the pitch springs of Zarveal, they march ever faster, and strike ever harder. Where the Machine-Men walk now, no more news comes out of that area. When our rangers survive scouting such an area, they see nothing but ruins, ashes, craters, and the strange self-propelled carts that ferry more and more supplies to the advancing forces of the Machine-Men. It is as if they do not care for food, so thoroughly do they savage and salt the earth, and burn granaries with all the grain still inside, untouched.

I fear the end of Man will be soon upon us. Even should the Machine Men be driven off tomorrow by some miracle from the High, the land is blasted and cursed against agriculture, and starvation will be our lot come the winter after next. And if they are not driven off they will occupy the whole of the continent from west coast to east before the summer is out.

Oh, I hate to write such defeatism! But the thought gnaws at me day and night, I must write it or it would soon consume my very being. And it is not only me that feels this. The fear is everywhere here in the fortress town of Midas Pass. Everyone has it, and through herculean effort hides it, but it is felt in everything they say, everything they do.The very air seems charged with it as if lightning would strike at any moment. The watchmen on the semaphore tower suffers the most from it, poor souls, but no one seems immune.

It is a small mercy that most everyone here, those who haven't fled east, are fighting men, with spines of steel who can bear the weight of the fear. I seem to be the only priest of the Wiki in the entire town, and the other temples are similarly decimated. The others who remain are too fearful to run, cowering in their homes and temples, as if frozen there. I dare not speak with them lest the fear wing out and freeze me too-

>>50630967

The watchman calls for me. I must go.

(The rest seems to have been written in a great hurry.)

It's nearly sunset. We've been hearing the clanging of metal from the west. Are they advanc----

THE WEST TOWER EXPLODED
THE TEMPLE BELLS ARE RINGING
THEY'RE HERE THE MACHINE MEN ARE

(Thoughts, comments?)

>>50618513
It's okay. There's nothing wrong with any of the dialogue in and of itself, there's just way to much of it given what's actually being said. I think you could make some pretty extensive cuts and still keep everything you're trying to convey.

>>50630256
I was asking for input because I actually did hit a wall with plot development.

>>50623009
"You can stop nagging me now, Stepmother!" the Primarch shouted over the gunfire. "There is no way we can't escape this!"
"And we're not summoning daemons!"
A blast just barely hit the ledge the two holiday-makers were about to leap from, jostling Magnus' train of thought. "What- No! No, I'm not bringing in daemons! That's retarded!"
"And so's jumping around rooftops and breaking into people's houses!" The Captain General argued on as they found another house to escape from. "And you said that nothing would happen!"
Magnus was about to make some sort of argument, but the steady barrage of fire made sure that such would not happen. "Look, there are only two things that can stop Sisters of Battle: Slaaneshi cultists and Genestealers. There's one of those around here we can use just to bait them!"
"Why - wait, what about Grey Knights?"

The sudden application of genius made Magnus give pause. "Why Grey - Oh! Ooooohhhh! See, we totally have a barge of those flying like...a system away! This is why we're partners! Because we think alike!" With a flick of his daemonic hand, he tore open a rift in the Warp. Whatever Sisters were there stopped and stared at the horror unfolding praying to the Emperor for protection.

In a show of irony befitting a Daemon Prince of Tzeentch, no daemons emerged from that rift, but one Grey Knight did. The sisters murmured among themselves about what this meant and if this was the power of their prayers. As the Grey Knight stood up, there was an unsettling snap.

"FREE SHOWERS! WHEEEEEEE!"
With an abrupt thrust, the Grey Knight suddenly set off like a rocket at the Sisters, who were defenseless against his holiness and urge for fresh paint. With their pursuers occupied, Magnus and the Custodian fled to the next house where nobody would harass them as they resumed their merriment.

>>50611882
The dialogue is a bit unsubtle, especially when the police arrive.

In terms of narrative, I'm not sure who I'm supposed to be rooting for. Your main character, Jaylin, barely has any dialogue, and the characters that get most time spent on them come off as religious fanatics or vicious thugs. Maybe if it was a bit more complex I could buy the lack of a clear good guy, but it's kinda on-the-nose to justify it on those grounds.

Otherwise not that bad. Apart from some hokey dialogue in places the prose is alright, and the story definitely has plenty of vigour in it.

>>50634171
It was after an hour, while delivering gifts to a drug den, that the Custodian had enough in him to actually ask: "That was Kaldor Draigo."
Maguns shrugged, "Seems like it."
"You fucking know how to summon Kaldor Draigo."
"He's...useful in his own eccentric ways," the Primarch excused himself. "I mean, nobody knows how to deal with the bastard, so sometimes they just drop him off somewhere to ruin a few things and then take him back."
"Kaldor Draigo is a fucking dog." There was no amount of helmet-rubbing that could settle the headache that came with the revelation. At times like these, he wondered how the Emperor even put up with all this stupidity and not just leave humanity to die without him.
Magnus raised the technicality, "Well, you're the one insinuating it."
"He's being called to and from the Imperium on the call of Chaos. How else am I supposed to take it?"
"I see him as a...tool! Yeah!" Magnus grabbed the sack after ensuring that all the melta bombs were in place. "But we digress. We still have all these presents to deliver!"
"And how many houses does this make?" The fact that Magnus had to take a moment to think about this unsettled the Custodian just as much as learning that he could summon Kaldor Draigo.
"And you expect to do them all."
The fact that the Daemon Primarch just agreed to this with the biggest of smiles just proved how far he had fallen from the Emperor's Grace just to agree to this. It made the night seem so much longer.

Their next interruption was during yet another visit. Though both of the intruders tried with utmost caution to keep quiet, they found themselves discovered nonetheless - by a small girl.
"Excuse me," the girl asked, "who are you?" The fact that she discovered them was in and of itself mortifying to the Custodian, even with his shattered sense of pride. Magnus, on the other hand, only saw opportunity.
"You see, little girl," he replied with a fake voice, "I'm here to bring joy and goodwill to your world!"

>>50635960
"And this here," the Primarch grabbed "Kitten" by the shoulder, "is my loyal companion, a Blood Raven!" The Custodes took notice of this, but it did little to make him anything more than a confused mess.
"Is he a Space Marine?" the girl asked excitedly. Magnus' nod of approval had her hopping with joy.
As happy as this made the Primarch, he had to stop the girl. "Now, you can't wake up your parents right now. But if you want...er, I can give you a present right now!"
"But what about -"
"This happens!" Magnus cut off his subordinate. "I think." The little girl rushed down the stairs to meet the two behemoths and wrapped herself on Magnus' leg in between shouting her thanks. He tried to shake her off, hoping to avoid using his inhuman strength to rip her off before "Kitten just took the presents and put them on a table. She took it like bait.
"Thanks so much, mister," she said as she calmed down, "but...what's your name?"
The name came to the Red Giant as easily as the very legend did. "I am...Sandy Claws! Yes!"
"Um, wasn't it pronounced -"
"And this is my faithful companion, Brother-Captain Kitten!" Magnus gestured to said Captain General, grumbling about how he deserved his rank. "Now, run along to bed now, little Sarah. I'm sure your parents would be worried if you slept in late."
The girl gasped. "How did you know my name?"
"Because I know the name of every boy and girl on this planet!" he replied. "And I know whether they've been naughty or nice, so be good! For goodness sake!"

Little Sarah ran to her room without any threats, leaving the two alone. "So...that happened," were the Custodian's first words.
"Yep," Magnus answered. "We're officially reviving Christmas. My excitement knows no bounds about this."
"Considering we've gotten away with consigning battle sisters to murder by Grey Knight, I can only dread to think about what your ultimate goal with this is. Seriously, how much lower can we go from here?"

>>50630941
>>50630967
>>50631002

Well, since it seems no-one else is going to comment, & seeing as how I posted the picture I suppose it's only polite to give some feedback myself:

I enjoyed it; I got a good sense of desperation from the narrator.

I could have done with just a smidge more establishing of the setting; I got the impression that this was supposed to be a post-apocalyptic world, but I wasn't sure. Also the 'narrator dragged off as he desperately tries to write the ending' bit is a tad cliché.

Other than that, though, pretty good.

>>50640201
"Oh captain," the Space-mermaid cooed, "show me more of this Earth thing called 'kissing'."

"Of course, my sweet." Replied Space-captain Struthio Camelus, of His Space-majesty's Royal Space-navy.

"And then," his piscine paramour intoned, "show me more of this Earth thing called 'oral sex'."

"....Well, if you insist."

"And perhaps also show me more of this Earth thing called 'rimming'."

"Wait, what?"

"And this Earth thing called 'snow blowing' sounds fun."

"......"

"And you simply must show me more of these Earth things you call 'Cleveland steamer' and 'rusty frogman'."

"I knew I shouldn't have enabled wi-fi in your bloody pool."

>>50634444
Thank you for the feedback 'nonny. knew I finally improved greatly and just needed a critic's advice. Thank you very much. And I'll be writing again next story thread. :)

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>>50499178
>Plagiarism
>The Bard
Wait, what happened?

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I'm not so naïve to think that this thread will make it to Friday, but goddamn I hope I have something left in me after these next three days of exams.

Bump.

>>50506651
>>50506651
This was supposed to be a simple mission: Venture out in the abandoned shipwreck near the coastline, secure the area and make sure it is not infested with monstrosities. And to also salvage for anything that may be hidden and useful in that old wreck.

My name Jesstin Resse, a warrior-knight- ...Or should I say; a FORMER warrior-knight of the Jade Vipers Fighter Guild. I volunteered to take up the job since I had nothing else to do at the time and was pretty hyped about the idea of whatever loot is to be found since my former guildmaster did say I can keep half of whatever treasure is to be found.

So I set off to my journey to find the wreck, the monster and the treasure and have the area secured since local builders company was to build a shore-side tavern and possibly use the old shipwreck as some sort of attraction once I clear the location of whatever beast was there.

The journey there was long but I eventually reached it with a minor headache and some slight sores in my feet due to having my horse stolen half way to my destination while I was taking a piss behind some bushes. To this day I swear that if I find that damn horse thief, I'll tear that bastard a part for giving me such a hassle.

As I neared the beach where the shipwreck was located I noticed it was getting dark. It was very late afternoon at that time as I saw the sun slowly setting. But it was not a beautiful orange sea-side sunset one normally expects, it was a dark and gloomy afternoon and the sky was only slightly bright because of the sun, it was cloudy basically. It gave chills at that time because of the cold sea air and the gloomy and admittingly creepy atmosphere. Still, I had a job to do and I had to be alert for any creatures or possible vagrants who may be dwelling in this wreck, and to find for anything worth of value; half I can keep and the other half will be for the guild's profits.

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>>50663652
As I neared the shipwreck I could hear some womanly giggles. That startled me as I quickly grabbed me sword from my hilt. "WHO'S THERE!? COME OUT IN THE OPEN AND IDENTIFY YOURSELF. YOU ARE DEALING WITH A MEMBER OF THE JADE VIPERS GUILD. COME OUT NOW AND YOU MAY NOT BE HARMED." I announced loudly to make it clear I'm not be messed around and also to be reasonable.

However as I was continuing my slow advance to the wreckage I noticed I was stuck onto something. I looked down to see some dark gelatinous-like substance; which I now know is her "Dark Ink", was on my legs and I couldn't move save for my upper body and arms.

"Ah finally... A man, a human man who's not only strong. But so cute and handsome, and just good looking." I heard her first, then I saw her.

It was a Monstergirl, a Kraken specifically. She was just like those other Octopi-Squidgirls, those Scylla. And just like them she had tentacles, about eight or ten, she had soft and slimy skin though since she was a kraken, she was much bigger and taller. She had white and dark skin and most of all, just like any other monstergirl; she was beautiful.

She spat that ink from her mouth again and used it to shoot my sword out of my hand due to its slipperiness. I was now immobilized and disarmed, defenseless as she now moved close to me and wrapped her tentacles around me. Even when I was wearing my chainmail armor I could feel the soft and tenderness of her tentacles, then her body.

I ofcourse struggled and thrashed in her grip, but it was no use as she was much, much stronger than I' am. I also felt her touching me in my private areas and other "weird places."

"STOP TOUCHING ME IN WEIRD PLACES!!" I pleaded but at the same time it was really pleasurable. I did my best fighting those lustful urges and tendencies, but I was slowly succumbing to it and her calm and soothing voice helped it too.

"Ohhhhh, don't you worry. I'll make you feel even better~" She came in to even close contact to me.

>>50664454
She now move to my front, wrapping her tentacles around me in an even firmer manner as to never let me go or slip away, I was obviously terrified at the thought of being sexually assaulted and then raped by her. Using her strong tentacles she was able take of my armor, stripping my chainmail armor off and then stripping me of my under clothing. She now glued her body to mine as I was just in my underwear and she wrapped her arms around my neck.

She once again spat her dark ink around us, and I was amazed to see it grow and grow as it begun covering the area, and then covered us.

I thought I was in another world but it turns out the type of dark ink that is spat by these Krakens is part magical and that they create a darkness in the entire area around them, trapping the man they like in this darkness. In a darkness that lets no light through whatsoever, the only thing the man will be able to see is their white glowing and alluring body. By this means, they are able to create a private space just for the two of them where nothing can come between them, and they can ensure that the man only looks at them...

And I also experienced it, I saw nothing else but just her. Terrifying at first, but eventually my lust and feelings consumed me as I stopped struggling and just took her beauty in.

"My name is Irvette. What's your's?"

"...Jestin... Jestin Resse... You are you doing this? Why me? Why take me???" I asked nervously as to what her full intentions were asides from finding and having a man.

"Isn't it obvious silly cute man? You struck my fancy. I knew that humans such as yourself would try exploring and 'spelunking' such places like this old shipwreck. So I hang out in this wreck in hopes of finding a man who'd I like and for myself. And you darling are the very first person to ever come near this place."

She said in all calmness and honesty.

>>50639324
"Are you going to be bitching the whole way through?" Magnus picked up, "Because that's all you've been doing, bitching."
"Well, it's not like I can be optimistic about this!" Responded the Custodian, "I mean, what if this all ends up creating a whole new problem? Like a pleasure cult? Or the rise of some corrupt regime built upon the misunderstood intentions of this plan."
Magnus knew immediately the implications of his subordinate's tirade. "I'm not my father, thank you very much. Besides, I have a contingency plan to make sure people remember how we did things." There was nothing anyone could say that could stop him from his master plan, much less the words of the Captain-General of the Adeptus Custodes and ex-personal caretaker of the Emperor of Mankind.

Their escapades across the rooftops continued with no further complications, with more presents delivered and not a Sister in sight to pursue them. Finally, Magnus the Red had a clear route to finish his goal of becoming Santa Claus.
That hope was dashed in a most shocking manner when Magnus and "Kitten" ran into someone.
"Watch where you're going, jackass!" the pedestrian shouted.
Magnus started collecting his sack, "Terribly sorry, sir, but it's just that..." As he got up, he realized a very peculiar detail about who he just collided with: an ornately horned helmet. He then realized that this person had a fancy staff in his hands. Put that together with blue and gold armor, and it took no time at all to realize who it was. "Oh fuck."
"What? Something caught your tongue?" the Sorcerer asked dismissively. "Now, if you don't mind, I have some things to get..."
"Wait a minute..." the Custodian asked from his convenient position behind Magnus, "is that...?"

"Actually, I have a present for you, good man!"
"What?" The Sorcerer tried to comprehend what was going on before giving up and grumbling, "What the fuck is it now? Is it Nurglings? Because someone already gave me those. Fucker got what was coming."

>>50664740
"What about treasures? I came here to secure this place a- and see if there was anything of value. Is there anything in that ship?" I asked meekly.

"Nope, all the 'treasure' in that ship is gone. The treasure was already plundered. I just used my strength to drag that wreckage to shore and use it as bait. And clearly my gamble paid off, and now; I have you~" She said in a sultry manner as her face was now close to mine. "So lets say we get down to business shall we? Husband."

And just as she claimed as her husband; her's and forever, she began her assault and acts of lewdness and sexuality towards me. I won't go to further details of how we fornicated, totally had my brains fucked out, even here in my journal. Because the feeling and experience was admittingly amazing and beyond words, felt even better than having sex with the various tavern wenches I bedded before and much better than human women in general. In short it just felt so good.

After a few hours’ worth of sex, which felt like forever. We were now done as I lay in her soft and slimy grip and she was lying top of me. Both of us enjoying the afterglow of our lewd acts.

The darkness made by her ink finally dissipated and I finally saw the world again, this time it was actually dark since it was night time at that point. After both of us spending a couple more minutes in our afterglow, she stood up and some of her tentacles let go of me, while her others still held firmly at me.

She carried me with her tentacles till she now set me down in her arms as she carried me bridal style.

"Where are we going?" I weakly asked her.

"Home sweety. We're going home, to your new home with me."

She took me to the ocean, the bottom of the sea where she and other aquatic monstergirls and their husbands lived. She used her magical ink to create a bubble around my head for me to breathe first. Till we both met a Sea Bishop Mermaid who granted me the power of water breathing, and the rest is history.

>>50670002
"No, not Nurglings." The hand in the sack reaches something solid, "Instead, I have..." he whips out the boxed psyker, "An unsanctioned psyker in a box!"
The Sorcerer tiredly opens a picture of a bunch of boxes stacked. "I have fifteen."
"Then..." Magnus defeatedly lowers the psyker into the sack, shuffling again, "how about...some books!"
The Sorcerer looked at these books. "I'm sorry, but who the hell do you normally deal with? Kids?!"
That was enough to get a defensive reaction from the Primarch. "H-hey, I'm trying to get you something!"
"I am an Arch-Sorcerer from the old world of Prospero, Head of the Scarab Occult! I know everything there is to know about anything and I don't need any more psykers to sacrifice to learn anything else!" He then noticed something. "Wait a minute..." the Prosperan Sorcerer peered behind Magnus and mind-dragged out a fleeing "Kitten". "You! You're a Custodes!" All the while, said Custodian was swearing loudly. "Actually...It's been so long since I killed one. I think I'll take this one and overlook your stupidity." The Captain General's stare at the Daemon Primarch was one of disappointment and desperation. He was actually right for once, and it had to be against the last person either of them wanted to meet: Azhek Ahriman.
"Actually...I kinda still need him," informed Magnus. "We still have a couple hundred houses to deliver these presents, and I need someone capable for it."
"Really? Is there nobody..." Ahriman paused for thought. "Do you absolutely need this one? I could always find some idiot and just slap on some golden armor on them."
"No, this one's actually the most competent person I've got."
This upset Ahriman. "Really? Not even if I just cloned him and..."
"No, I need all his pieces."
"What if I got a shape-shifting daemon and..."
"No daemons."

This refusal frustrated the Arch-Sorcerer. At this point, he hardly cared about the Custodian, but the constant refusals and wasted time were driving him up a wall.

>>50671272
"WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR BUSINESS THEN? I'M FINALLY GIVING YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO GIVE YOU BUSINESS FOR ONCE IN YOUR MISERABLE PISSANT LIFE, AND YOU JUST SEE IT FIT TO FUCKING STONEWALL ME? IS THERE FUCKING ANYTHING THAT YOU, FUCKWAD FLESHPILE THE FUCKTILLIONTH, CAN OFFER ME THAT'S WORTH MY TIME?!"

The tirade stunned the two hapless bringers of merriment. Quite frankly, neither of them really expected that to happen, much less the random warp fluctuations that ensued. Neither Magnus or "Kitten" had any ideas to diffuse this situation. This was especially troublesome for Magnus, who - for some bizarre reason - refused to reveal his identity. Perhaps it was shame for screwing up the Legion that stayed his hand. Maybe he was trapped in the persona of Santa Claus. In any case, there was little he could do without revealing himself. However, seeing the Captain-General trapped by his own mistakes forced him to say something.
"Look..." He spoke up, "I don't honestly know why you need him, but he is that important to my plans. He's a good friend of mine, and he's a reliable partner, so I can't abandon him for no reason. I can grant you anything you want, but that Custodian is mine." To punctuate the degradation, the Custodian sighed.
Ahriman sighed. "Fine, if he's that damn important. But if you can grant anything, and I mean anything, then...set Fenris on fire."
"Done." Without even a moment's hesitation, Magnus the Red, bringer of Christmas, snapped his fingers. An instant later, the ethereal winds were filled with pained cries and yiffs of a thousand dying Space Wolves.
"Holy shit," the Arch-Sorcerer remarked. "You just blew up a Space Marine homeworld."
Magnus' response was dispassionate. "So? They fucking pissed me off."
This all made Ahriman giddy, rubbing his hands reciting that he needed to make a whole new bunch of plans. As he departed for parts unknown, all Magnus shouted was "MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

>>50671002
And that there is the story of how I ended up here; living in the ocean and being capable of breathing in water and being "married to" and living with my Kraken-monstegirl wife.

I practically dont have a job asides from being a househusband for my Kraken wife by doing the cooking, dishes, house chores and laundry. But I guess its not that bad as I atleast have a more eased and laid back life now while my wife is the dominant bread winner of the house. We also live in another shipwreck which is slightly smaller than the one she utilize to get a husband; me, but its definitely fancier, cozier and roomier than the one she used to bait me at that beach.

Well that's all I'll be writing for my journal. I've written all of this down due to hearing word that a bunch of secular scholars and researchers are recording the words, thoughts and opinions of human men who've been swept and taken away by Monstergirls as their husbands. Still considering in having this sent to a representative of theirs who's currently positioned on a ship nearby, my wife says its up to me if I want to have my word sent. Maybe she and I can talk about later... End of journal.

"Ohhh Jessy dear, I'm home." And there she is, my wife back home from work and a bit of grocery shopping.

"Hey there Irvy baby! Looks like you got us some sardines and salmon again eh?"

"Of course Jessy, I know how much you love salmon."

"And I know how much you love the taste of sardines with tomato sauce and a bit of onions. Which will be coming right up... After I'm done scrubbing this floor and cooking that is."

"OK Jessy, but first. Give your wife a big fat and moist kiss- NO, a smooch~"

(END)

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'Nother image bump.

So anyone. Any feed back for my monstergirl story?

>>50663652

>>50675049
Well, I first feel like pointing out that I never understood or liked the concept of monster girls. That said, moving on the content:

Dialogue went smoothly. I have a minor gripe with lack of commas/punctuation for pause and effect.
>So lets say we get down to business shall we? Husband.
So let's say we get down to business, shall we? Husband..."

Broadly speaking, you exhibit great proficiency in crafting and presenting a story. I like that very, very much.

As always, keep writing.

>>50679333
I'll write something about this. Give me a bit.

>>50672003
"I feel like a heretic right now," was all the Custodian could think of as they hid away from everyone and returned to their route. "We just blew up Fenris."
"So?" The Primarch asked, "Not like he wasn't going to try that later, right?"
"But you just blew up Fenris!"
"Eh, I'm sure they'll understand." The two reached another port. "Now, the last round of presents!"

By the time Magnus the Red's Christmas shenanigans finally reached their end, the people were already emerging from their miserable little dwellings, preparing for yet another day of slave labor. That morning, every citizen from the filthy underhives to the the noble spires found presents in their houses. Every one of these presents were tagged with a card.

>Merry Christmas, Noble Imperium, and to all a Happy New Year.
> -S.

Naturally, the citizens came to the conclusion that Santa Claus was secretly the Emperor and that the space marine was just...a space marine and not a disgraced Captain-General of the Adeptus Custodes. This all caused Magnus to get into a fit.
"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuuuck!" he swore profusely all throughout. "The one time I actually do something without blowing something up, and nobody even notices me! What the fuck?"
The Captain-General could only ask, "Um, Magnus. Are you telling me that this whole scheme about Christmas was all just so you can get people to pay attention to you?"
"What? N-no!"
"It sounded like it was." The Custodian thought about it. Another moment passed, and something came to him. "Wait a minute, Magnus, wasn't Christmas supposed to be for reasons that didn't involve egotism?"
"Isn't that what everything devolves into?"
The golden Custodes finally remembered the silly nose and ripped it off alongside the fake antlers, "That doesn't mean that it has to be that way. The Imperium's been descending into a literal hellhole, but there are ways to return it to some semblance of decency for its citizens."

>>50683159
"And how many ways has he tried doing that?" The criticism the Daemon Primarch's voice had was ever so obvious.
"You do remember that He already disassembled the Inquisition, forced the Grey Knights to go public, reformed the Ecclesiarchy, put the Ultramarines' insane levels of plot armor to use solving the issues of the Imperium and grabbed your soul back," informed the Custodian. "Right?"
"Well...yeah, but..."
"And in the time I've been in your service, all I've done is kill a bunch of Lacrymoles under the assumption that they were the High Lords of Terra, and schemed to grab an ancient relic of the Salamanders, only to be sidelined just to attempt bringing back an extinct holiday in an ego-grab. That failed."
"Well, what would you have done with it?"
To this, the Captain-General took a look outside, to the faces of people excitedly conversing about the gifts they got and asking if the Emperor might return soon to do this again. "Actually? Nothing." Before Magnus could spit out any coffee, he continued, "We shouldn't be doing this just to make us famous. Honestly, I'd have thought you'd have figured that much out considering how the Imperium's turned out. What we need, however, is a way for the people to do this without invading each other's houses."
"How do you plan that?"
"How about...making a guild?"

It took the Daemon Primarch several moments to accept what had happened, but accept it he did. "You know what," he growled. "Fine. I messed up somewhere. Now how about we get on another fucking ship and get back to Nocturne."

~MEANWHILE ON TERRA~
In front of the Eternity Gate was a massive, if undetailed and underequipped, fort. Seated on the top of this fort was Rogal Dorn, Primarch of the Imperial Fists.
He looks out at the horizon outside of the Imperial Palace, observing for anything. Nothing happens.
"This is truly the greatest Christmas I have ever experienced." Dorn utters this with his trademark fixed tone.

>>50686014
Meanwhile, the Emperor of Mankind merely sat in His throne, a hat on his lap.

>THIS HAS BEEN THE FIRST CHRISTMAS WHERE MY CARETAKER HAS DESERTED ME.
It is uncertain as to whom the Emperor was speaking to, but none of the Custodes were present to hear this.
>I FEEL SO ALONE RIGHT NOW. IF ONLY THE LEGEND OF SANTA CLAUS WERE REALLY SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED, I MIGHT ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO WISH FOR MY DIPSHIT CYCLOPS SON AND COMPANION TO ACTUALLY COME BACK. SIGH. AND NOW I AM TRAPPED IN THE PERSONAL HELL THAT IS THIS CHAIR SURROUNDED BY RETARDS. OH WOE IS ME.
Were anyone to pay particular attention at this moment, they would have noticed a single tear from the Emperor's one good eye. A tear of despair.

~~SOME OTHER SHIP~~
"Kitten" and Magnus were in the brig of yet another ship.
The Custodian thought, "It is a bit of a shame that I couldn't get you anything. For all the espousing we did of the Christmas Spirit, it feels kind of hollow to not do anything for ourselves."
"It's fine," the Primarch admitted. "It's not like there's much you can find here that I'd want. But I do appreciate that you're sticking this out with me."
"That's...actually rather kind," said the Custodian. "Thank you. I'd have said something myself, but I have nowhere to put anything even if I had it."
Magnus grunted. The sentiment was now dead. "Whatever. Merry Christmas."
"Yeah, merry Christmas."

~END~

You know, I'm starting to see the problem with these threads: the better a story is, the less likely it is to get any feedback because there's nothing to fix.

>>50501075
>>50501093
>>50501118
Good story. Well written, and I really liked the theme.

Your English is okay, but you do slip up in one or two places. e.g;

>spunky
no one would actually use this word seriously (it's slang for semen)

>wanderlusty
whichever of your English teachers told you that you could make an adjective out of anything by adding 'y' on the end was exaggerating. (I think part of the reason that 'wanderlusty' sounds so awkward is because wanderlust is a loanword from German)

>>50654530
story is that someone submitted a story that was available online on some guys live journal and they didn't know if it was the same guy.

that's the last I heard, I haven't even gotten a rejection letter, just fucking nothing when I was supposed to hear from them weeks ago.

How do you guys decide where to start and how to proceed form there? I'm looking at all these pictures for inspiration and I can imagine scenarios from them, but I can't seem to pick a time and place to start writing from.

>>50695113
Wherever it works for you.

No, really.

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Final bump before my final final exam.

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>>50697539
good luck

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>>50697619
Good follow-up to that pic

>>50694981
Happened to you, too, eh? I submitted a story, got the delayed feedback email, never heard a thing back.

>>50639717
Thanks for the feed back!

Truth be told I wasn't world building as much as usual, I was more focused on putting the emotional content and War of the Worlds references to words.
Though it could be a sweet clockpunk/dieselpunk setting if I or someone else works at it. Perhaps when I'm not swamped by finals.

As for what happened to the narrator, 'dragged off' wasn't exactly what happened.

Machine-insects are a great anti personal, low collateral option for when you don't want to crater the only, narrow road through a mountain pass. The only problem is cleaning up the blood afterwards.

Hey guys; here's a thought. Lets let this current thread die down first, so that by the weekend a new storythread can start anew and peeps can then post their stories further without fear of unable to finish due to bump limits. Sounds fair? What ya think?

>>50701859
I'm here for the pictures.

Always have been.

>>50701859
The next storythread will be posted on Friday, same as always, so we might as well let this thread live for another 24 hours.

In the meantime, I'm sure there are a lot of writefags who would still like more (or any) feedback on their work. Who knows, we might even be able to get the thread to the bump limit.