Meanwhile, on /dragon/...

I have a collection of human dildos

>>48629304
i bet you dress up in human clothes, fucking humey

>>48629187

So ancient and you don't even know you're trying to protect your 'hoard'. Stupid lizard, you deserve to have your head cut off.

>>48629187
RIGHT SO I WAS WATCHNG MY GOLD, YOU KNOW, GOOD HORDE, GOOD LIFE, ALMOST READY TO GO FUCK UP THAT PILE OF WOOODEN SHIT THOSE SOFT SKINS CALL A DEN, THEN SOME FUCKING FAGGOT WALKS INTO MY ***MY*** FUCKNIG HORDE, SO I GRAB THE FUCKING SHIT BAG WITH MY MOUTH, FLY UP AND THROW THE FUCKER OFF MY GODDAMNED MOUNTAIN, AND YOU KNOW FUCKING WHAT? tHE SON OF A BITCH STOLE MY BEST FUCKING RING, THAT DUMB MOTHER FUCKING BLOCK HEAD SOFT SKIN TOOK MY FUCKING RING, I HAD TO SEARCH FOR IT FOR HOURS WITH MORE DISPHIT SOFT SKINS FIRING SOME FUCKING STICKS AT ME THINKING THEY WEREN'T TOTALLY INSIGNIFICANT, GOD FUCK THESE TINY PRICKS

>>48629187
So Draco-therapist suggests I do one of those 1000 year sleeps. The kind just to get a good night sleep.

Fucking. Adventures. Bust into my chamber. Wake me up. So at that point I am pissed that they woke me up in the middle of my sleep, I am tossing insults at that and threatening the little mites just to get them to leave. I must have said something like "Burn their whole world down", and now they are on a quest to end me or fear of my destroying the universe.

I mean I COULD, we all could, but we don't. Dragon pact and all that shit. Just... fuck. Adventures. You drop one line and it becomes their new crusade.

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Do humans make sense to you?
I ,mean they send ships full of horses and treasure, I sink ship eat horses and steal treasure, and they get angry?

Why? Is it not for me?

>>48629477
WHAT REALLY GETS ME IS, ARE THESE HAIRLESS APES REALLY AFRAID THAT ANY OF US WOULD ACTUALLY DESTROY THE UNIVERSE? I MEAN, HELLO? WE LIVE HERE. IN THE UNIVERSE. WHY THE FUCK WOULD WE DESTROY IT. DO THEY KILL THEMSELVES BECAUSE THEY'RE AFRAID THEY'LL BURN DOWN THEIR OWN HOUSES OR WHATEVER?

FUCK, SERIOUSLY.

It's all about playing the game, man. Pick your battles and you can make those morons work for you.

When I have adventurers roll up, I invite those fuckers to dinner, do the whole 'polite yet scary' host thing, and then challenge 'em to a test, to win some treasure. I've spent years coming up with these awesome traps and obstacles and shit, and compared to fighting a dragon, they're almost always up for giving it a go in exchange for some trinket I wouldn't miss.

Sure, I lose some treasure every now and then, but I gain way, way more from the number of them who die in the attempt. And it's fuckin' entertaining.

>>48630313
>he doesn't fight them despite them winning the challenge
Get a load of this scaly faggot

>>48630344

It's a long term investment. I mean, sure, I could kill them... But if I let them live, then they go around telling other people how they won this awesome magic sword or whatever after completing the dragons challenge. And I get loads more people rolling up, and loads more lose than win. Plus some do try to fight me and that's always a laugh.

>>48630370
>they try to fight you
I hear ya. Those cocky adventures that walk up and instantly attack? They don't realize that I have everything planned out.

You are all doing it wrong. You got to run for mayor of a town. Sure, you have to deal with the annoying shits all the time. But stop one orc invasion and they practically worship you.

Run the place well enough and eventually they GIVE YOU GOLD TO RULE. Just make sure the town can become a center of trade and in a few centuries, you'll have a hoard large enough to make any she-dragon swoon.

>>48630461
>ruling over only a small town
fuck i rule a whole damn kingdom and none of them caught on with me being a god damn dragon.
its incredible.
i'm telling you nothing beats being a literal god king telling the little folk what to do, getting free taxes, going to war and subsequently conquering more places to get more gold, transforming to a slightly different look once in a while so they think the kings dead long live the new king.
its incredible how dumb these small people are, this kingdom thing might be the biggest scam ever conceived.

>>48630370
IS THAT THE INSIPID STENCH OF A METALLIC DRAGON I SMELL?

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, METALFAG.

>>48629187
FUCK DRAGONS
FUCK ALL OF YOU
I WILL KILL ALL OF YOU
I SHOWED UP TO THE MOUNT ON THE 5TH, AND NOT A SINGLE ONE OF YOU SPARK-VOMITING FAT LIZARDS SHOWED UP

>>48630966

>He actually showed up

Hahahahaha, I cannot believe you fell for that.

>>48630992
FUCK YOU
MY RAGE BURNS HOTTER THAN ANY DRAGON FIRE
I WILL GRIND YOUR BONES TO DUST AND USE THEM TO FERTILIZE THE HUNDREDS UPON HUNDREDS UPON HUNDREDS OF FARMS YOUR KIND HAVE RAZED

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>>48630304
Okay get this
What if
We destroy THIS universe
Then make another universe JUST FOR US?

>>48630693
See, I don't mess around with the whole disguise thing. I mean, why bother? You just gotta play by their rules until you make the rules.

And once they're on your side, the humans take pride in being ruled by something they know will never die. Knowing that their great grand children's way of life will be the same as theirs seems to be a cherished comfort. And other "kings" are very reluctant to start problems they know they'll never finish.

>>48629187
>BE RETARDED MEAT BAG
>HURR DURR I'LL GO KILL THE GREATEST CREATURE ON EARTH
>GET FUCKING DESTROYED BECAUSE I'M SUCH A FAGGOT
>ENTIRE REST OF RACE BECOMES UBER BITCH BECAUSE THE BIG MEAN SUPERIOR DRAGON FUCKING WHOOPED THEIR GARBAGE HUTS
STILL LIVIN' THE DREAM BOYS, 500000 GP AND COUNTING

Fucking human fetishists are ruining every thread.

>>48630790

Get with the era, dude. The dragon on dragon wars are a thing of the past. I used to hate Chromatics but now I just don't see the point. Why shit on each other when there are so many lesser species in the world? As well as pretenders like fucking Hydra. I had one of those many-headed freaks try to join my local Draconic Forum, can you believe that shit?

>>48631121

Don't forget wyverns.

>>48631168

Bahamut's balls, I wish I could forget Wyverns.

These fucking adventurers keep killing my kobolds. Sure they breed fast, but it seems like very time I turn around half of them are dead. Who's supposed to bring me my treasure?

>>48631231
Speaking of kobolds, how do you guys raise yours? I just don't seem to have much like. Mine keep getting infected with diseases or running low on food. The last ones I had died to scalerot. Any good tips or tricks for kobold raising you all could share?

>>48631231

I found the best way to solve this problem- Make them sexy. Well, to those filthy bipeds anyway.

It took a couple of tries before I got it right, but then I shaped all my local minions into... I think they call them 'monstergirls' and 'monsterboys'?

Adventurers still cause problems and kill the ones who fight back, but long term I've ended up with more minions than I started with. The bloodlines are a bit diluted by this point, but I'm getting minions with some interesting natural abilities by this point. I'm thinking of starting a breeding program, trying to cultivate particular traits.

>>48629187
So my draco-therapist prescribed some kobolds to keep me company, I mean there pretty simple minded but there cute and great fun to have around. One day when I was counting my horde a group of adventures came in and KILLED ALL MY KOBOLDS. When they got to my lair they demanded me to give them all of my treasure. Naturally I told them to fuck off and killed half of them, But get this, they called an entire crusade on me! I'm just a young dragon I can't deal with an entire army! So I have a question for you guys, do you know a good place for a young dragon to live?

>>48631279

Do you have any living parents? If so, I have a great scheme.

Get a relative to watch your horde for you, and then go into human form. Yeah, I know it's kinda icky, but you can use it to join the crusade/adventuring party/whatever. Get advanced info, maybe even learn a few things... And then you get the amazing moment during the final attack when you transform back right in the middle of them. The look in their eyes is priceless.

>>48631306
Look man I left my parents after they let a fucking hydra into my private chambers. There a disgrace to all dragonkind. And besides the humans have a Mage who can detect lies so if I tried to trick them they would figure me out

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The original NEET

>>48631366
>ever lowering your spell resistance around a primate

So /dragon/, I know you're rightfully going to call me a faggot for this, but I think I might have something wrong with me.

Lately everything feels so pointless. I spent thousands of years building my horde. It has items so rare that nobody but I knows they exist, mountains of gold so large I could easily hide my massive form behind them several times over, ancient artifacts of power so great that they could probably put a dent in a god if I wanted to. Over the years I've had many offspring, killed dozens of pathetic "rivals", even personally met fucking Tiamat once. I've done literally everything a dragon could do.

But what do I do now? I just sit inside and sleep on my horde. I've been doing that for almost five years now.

I tried kidnapping a princess and making ransom demands the other week, just to keep my blood pumping again, but my heart just wasn't in it. I actually caught her sneaking away and I couldn't even muster the energy to immolate her or anything. I just let her walk off, like I was a fucking nervous hatching.

I'm ancient and powerful, and I hate it. I hate myself.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? This is so pathetic and dishonorable that I'm honestly considering flying as high as I can and dropping down head-first. I mean, shit, that probably won't even kill me, but I don't think I'll have the energy for anything else.

>>48631366

>Look man I left my parents after they let a fucking hydra into my private chambers.

Maaaaan, you fucked up. That's one of the oldest tricks in the book. It's a test of a young dragons self respect. You're meant to tear whatever trots into your realm to shreds and take a trophy or two, instead of pussying out like a little bitch.

>>48631439
Vist you local Draco-therapist they should be able to help you

>>48631485
I ate the fuck out of it,stole a third of my dads horde,pissed on the rest, and defacated on his books and then flew away

>>48631560

>ate the fuck out of it

He's a goddamn hydrafucker.

>>48631751
please don't purge me I didn't fuck it I swear

>>48631811

Maybe you should've thought of that before polishing the tile on that hydra hooker your parents hired.

>>48631832
There was no hydra hookers please don't purge me

>>48629375
kek

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>>48629187
Pssst. Psssst.

Why not glamer your hoard to make it look like it was all illusory, and then tell them you actually keep your treasure in the nearby swamp out of paranoia? They'll believe every word!

>>48631051
trust me the ones actually worth their salt know, there are some passably smart little ones, like the ones with the pointy ears, at least those lot are essentially immortal until you eat them.
thing is most of them are dumb, i mean incredibly dumb, holy hell the small people are dumb, letting all of them know your a high god damn dragon will get them on your ass and throws the whole thing in the shredder, thats why you only tell the smart ones.
i think the best part is if they know your a dragon and they try to guess what the shit type you are according to their small feeble conventions.

>>48632418
hydra plz, you need to be at least 100,000 years old to be on here so that you lot evolve into multiheaded dragons like the lot under that tiamat chick.

>>48632460
I will have you know I was spawned by the Beast of Lernaea himself! He who now sits among the stars! He who was slain only by the mightiest of demigods!

Δεν τολμούσα να γελάνε μαζί μου!

>>48629187
Adventurer here, I recently died and the party couldn't afford resurrection so they had to do one of those reincarnation spells instead. Apparently stuff happened that doesn't usually happen because I ended up coming back as a red wormling or however you say it.

I'm kinda getting used to the body but I'm having a lot of trouble with the fire breath, it just starts coming out on its own and it feels like I'm throwing up when it happens. I nearly killed our rogue and the party don't want me sleeping near the camp anymore. How do I make it stop?

>>4863325
Go back to Macebook, humanfag.

REEEEEEEEEE

>>48634084
...that was supposed to be about this post:

>>48633255

Goddamn claws.

>>48633255
You realize being a dragon is a sweet ass gift right? I mean as you grow older you get serious magic just by Fucking around, you live forever, you can fly naturally, you can roast shit heads. Become ungodly strong just by chilling and you can get as much God damn loot as you want without really trying, I don't even know why you would want to be anything else.

>>48629187
>hoarding gold when you can hoard human innocence
Pleb, please, this is so XX century...

>>48634203
>hoarding ephemeral garbage like innocence
>not hoarding tangible stuff that will last millennia
Chromatic, plz.

>>48634217
>full thread of adventures butthurt over pile of gold
>Bbut muh physical things, my valuables...
And what point of collecting lasting things? They will be here even without you keeping them here. But innocence on the other hand... one blink and its gone. One blink and love, hate, pride, laugh is gone forevere. This things are more precious than your metal.

>>48634165
I'd be a lot happier about it if I knew how to turn off the fire.

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>>48629187
Okay guys, I've had an idea and I wanted to ask you to know if it's shit or not.

The thing is, that I've always been thought that having a hoard and sleeping on it is what we do, the maximum achievement of a dragon. But I want to make my hoard grow, so I should raid villages and towns, kidnap princesses and kings and ask ransoms and so on.

But a young dragon also got to protect his shit, you know? So I followed the advice of my draco therapist and got myself a tribe of kobolds to protect my lair.

So far, though, I have to say that I'm not at all impressed. Sure, I managed to incinerate any adventurer group that made it past them, but it would be nice if I could have a good century of sleep, you know?

So I thought about training my kobolds. I want to try and make them stronger, teach them about making better traps, setting up better ambushes, carving out better pathways for the dungeon that only they can go through and all the like.

I also gave them a few magical items. Yes, I know, I should keep them, what is a hoard without them! Whatever.

My question is: should I continue training my kobolds? If anyone has any experience with this: what should I teach them?

>>48629187
i wish for once some humey would come in and try to raid my ass insted of my horde, so dam lonely here.

>>48634547
How big is your penis and how big kobold females is?
You know where im going with this.

>>48634652
I am not sure what you mean. And I don't think I want to get it...

Maybe if I cast enlarge person on her...

>>48634673
Ok let me explain. Hired tribe - Ok. Tribe that worships you as a god-father is better. + longer lives. + fire resist. + Occasional dracokobold magi and winged commanders.

>>48634700
this, your literally only halfassing it if you don't have at least 1000 progeny across the lands by the time your considered an adult in dragon years.

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>>48629187
My horde is a nationwide mages guild loyal to me.

It doesn't get raided. It's a thousand wizards.

I do alright btw.

You should exchange your gold and jewels for a more stable and safe horde.

I get that shiny things are fun to sleep on, but there's something to be said about a horde that guards itself as well as guards you, and grows itself with you simply managing it from time to time.

>>48634786
problem is that horde is completely fucked if a group of anti mages get uppity about your guild.
it actually happens in the area i'm in, thats why its safest using gold, cause at least if that goes its literally my own damn fault.

>>48634827
If someone gets uppity about my wizards, they deal with it themselves.

Part of their guild design is to make themselves useful to the public and the Kingdom, while avoiding controversy, to keep themselves well regarded in the country.

I wish kolbolds could survive in the cold, all I have are asshole goblins who smell and make everything disgusting. I have to keep the ones that try to steal from me frozen outside my hoard to get them to fuck off.
t. ice dragon

>>48634997
Can't you breed with the kobolds to make them ice-resistant?

>>48629187
Well, I used to have problems with adventurers, but then I remember advice of my grandpa.
I polymorphed into Dwarf and started a bank in human capital.
Now adventurers and other humanoids bring their gold to me.

>>48632445
The pointy eared ones are the worst. They think they're on your level. The ones called humans though, they're easy to impress. If you rule by their feeble convention of "justice" then they love you. And, if you're not messing around with that whole disguise business, you don't have to worry about someone stumbling on your identity.

Plus, it only takes a few generations to completely change the culture into one that reveres you. The smart ones, as you put it, are the ones you use to run the small matters you can't be bothered with. That way you know it won't get completely messed up. And if they're smart, the people will respect them. "Our immortal dragon-king appointed you, so you can't be a complete fraud," sort of thing.

Rule effectively enough and the people will destroy your enemies for you. Those fools who want to start a rebellion against you? The dumb ones will go and fight them because they've spent their whole life adoring you, their caring king, and cannot fathom the idea of their nation being governed by their fellows.

Win their hearts and minds. Forge them into your willing servants and the gold will flow. Step in only when you have to or on matters of culture. Then, it is easy to spend your time trying to figure out how to replace the rulers of creation.

>>48634547
There was this one namefag, Tucker, who turned his kobolds into living death machines. Dude was a fucking legend.

>>48635105
Did you do the whole, lend to nations fighting wars at interest they'll never be able to repay, trick? I hear that works well.

>>48631439
You have one option. Pick a god. Any god. Now spend your time trying to replace him/her/it. What could be better than all of reality as your hoard.

Or go debauched. That's always an option.

Hello fellow dragons.

How high was the god who thought your species should exist

>>48635565
Bitch please,we've existed before this world did

>>48635583
this, its pretty much a known secret that in order to actually be respected in our circles you've had to kill at least one god, otherwise your either inept or young and should keep your mouth shut in matters of importance.

>>48635602
>otherwise your either inept or young and should keep your mouth shut in matters of importance
.. So that's why they glared at me.

FUCK YOU ALADRITH DEMIGODS ARE GODS TOO

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Wyrm here, yesterday I shape changed into a humey with the intention of capturing a princess to see who would rescue her. The plan was to allow her rescue and then to kill and assume the identity of her rescuer hoping to invade their royal family etc.

The thing is it worked too well. Now the princess has aspirations to be the queen, children the whole lot. The last thing I need is a family, a human family at that. The thing is I'd usually just kill the whole lot of them, but the horde man, it's fucking huge, and since I'm a bit older than most of you I don't really have the strength to raze pillage horde protect.

Wut do?

I know you browse here kazaaakpleth, stop eating my kobolds you seven headed fuck.

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>chromaticfags
>thinking that they're real dragons
Topkek, get peirced by a seven foot adamantium arrow you degenerate fucks. Metallic is the undisputed master race.

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>>48635818
>chromaticfags don't know shit about justice
lmfto

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>mortals on /dragon/

Who /homeless/ here? Without a hoard in some cave to protect from adventurers I can roam the world, amassing knowledge instead of wealth. Too often have I seen my home-bound brothers robbed, injured and even killed by adventurers.

>>48635731
You should go for it man. And have lots of dragonkin spawn to protect your horde after you settle down.

But before that, make sure you have a nice she-dragon so your offspring can have your hoard after you pass from old age.

>>48634092
>>48634084
Half of them told me to come back here and the other half wanted to see pictures of my ass.

>>48635731
Don't fuck the lesser species. You wouldn't fuck a hydra would you? No you wouldn't that's what I thought. Now how much of the hoard can you carry?

>Some human shit sorceror comes into my lair
>Says I'm his great great great great whatever granddad
>Vaguely remember fucking some human bitch ten thousand years ago
>Ask him what he can do
>Breathes fire out of his mouth
>tfw I'm an ice dragon

I got cucked by a human.

>>48636158
That's not what cucked means, you mortal pissant.

Now fuck off back to peasan/tg/athering!

>>48636002
>>48636029
I can see both sides to this, having a clan makes sense, but that she dragon is another story, by my age all available SDs have such an enormous amount of baggage that it's just not worth it, but being with an inferior species sdoes not do it for me as well.. I'm just trying to live out the remainder of my century playing with my treasure and sleeping comfortably, preferably in my true form.

Ugggggggghhhh are there any Un damaged she dragons left? The ones on Drag-chat and ok-bahamut "let's hook up and check out your horde...." "Have, you caught my travel bug? Want to take me to the 666 plane of the abyss? I've only seen 665..."

Really? Maybe I should just take a nap for 200 years and see if this all blows over.

>>48636179
>drag-chat
That's not... that's not a dragon chatroom dude.

>>48636193
Oh shit! No wonder..

I'll just stick with OK-bahamut and Plenty of wyrms, anyone checked out wyrm friend finder?

>>48636179
You could just go for a younger SD. Some dig old Wyrms.

>all these softscale talking about sleeping on their hoard
Can't you just carry it with you like any respectable dragon? How weak are you shitheads?

>>48636218
While I'd like to believe this, this is factually untrue.

That last time I heard of something like this the younger she dragon did her typical shape changing antics to seduce the captain of the royal guard to attack him and steal his horde.

Well you know how that worked out. Raze, pillage, horde, protect except that he lost 75% of it in the dragvorce.

SD is somewhere as a queen of something and bitch is still on O-B

>>48636249
Poor-drag detected.

>>48636179
Wait how old are you because an average dragon lifespan is 500,000,000 and that's if you don't have a hoard

>>48636259
This is why you get together with metallic SDs and not chromatics! Because chromatics will fuck you over when it's most convenient for them!

>>48636278
Man keep to /dragonpol/

If you're looking for a she dragon don't bother with this nu male bullshit, stick to tradition.

There's nothing that gets a female wet faster than doing battle with her above the clouds before slamming her into a volcano and smashing that pussy while she tries to bite your throat out.

>>48636274
For purposes of this discussion I am over half way completed with my lifespan. And while I'd love to try new things and meet new dragons I always end up bored and uninspired.

So I just come to /dragon/ to share since I really can't do it irl.

>>48636309
You forgot the part when you burn down several villages and flatten a mountain mid coitus

>>48636309
Well said, but it's been a while, you know years...

So uh guys I cucked this human king once and now they're all worshipping him because they think my dragonspawn were his.

Wat do

>>48636347
Eat him

>>48636347
-why- do you even care about puny mortals? Are you a faggot?

>>48636367
Because they're calling him Dragonking you kobold

I can't stand when mortals think they're worth shit

>>48636328
I'll say the same thing that I say to everyone, Draco-therapist. There able to make miracles happen. When I was a young wyrm and had just started my horde I felt empty. But when my Draco-therapist prescribed kobolds I was never happier. When you look at me know it's like I'm not the same drake. I was able to take down an entire drawven empire, and now have a mate and 5 hatchlings on the way! I'm telling you dude my Draco-therapist saved my life!

so i got a slight problem /dragon/

I'm a young gold dragon, and i was chilling on my hoard of gold, when this wizard comes into my lair and starts shouting shit at me for burning a village down or something. I vaguely remember doing that a couple of years ago, and so i just try to burn the shit for intruding on my lair, and not only does he survive, he turns me into a human!

I've waited a week now, still not gone. What do i do?

>>48636396
>>>/mortal/

>>48636391
Right on, so you're a faggot who cares what mortals think.

Good to know

>>48636396
Where Is your lair? I can come and "help" you with your problem...

>>48631271
Get your magical horde out of here dude

>>48636408
mate I want to dispel this shit not become a mortal

>>48636393
Could you post a link to where I can find a reputable Draco-therapist? Droogle just turns up shit.

>>48636396
You let your magic resistence down, in front of a wizard. IN FRONT OF A FUCKING WIZARD! You are a disgrace to dragon kind you fucking faggot! Go fuck your hydras and you human bitchs! I'm sick of you young wyrms making retarded mistakes and ruining the reputation of all dragons! Why have the dragon parents givin up?

>>48636430
Shouldn't have gotten fucked up by a puny wizard

>>48636414
Fuck you sea serpent piece of shit

>>48636446
Do you think i'm retarded, of course i didn't let it down! He was able to polymorph me anyway!

>>48636347
>cucked by a mortal

>>48636435
Well we're do you live? My draco-therapist is very well connected so I'm sure they can find a good therapist in your area

>>48636472
The humeys call it the Pacific Northwest, I call it paradise.

You guys keep any humans as slaves?

>>48636465
Well then your fucked son. That means he's some Demi-god or some shit like that so the only way to revert is to kill him or his parent who's likely a god. And in your current form you can't do shit

>>48636482
Yea there's a therapist in the mound of ash that used to be an elven forest. Or you can go find the leviathan I hear he's a therapist too

ITT: We post like it's 127084

Okay, guys.

So i'm a gold dragon, positively ancient, sitting on my horde. My kobolds are mining in my horde-cavern since it's full of gold. Then they mine into some underground castle or something and a daemon comes out and tries to attack me! Of course, i burned it to a cinder, but ever since, they've been coming non-stop! They've obviously been unable to do anything to stop me, but they keep killing my kobolds?

TL;DR: how do i get rid of a daemon infestation in my horde-cavern /dragon/?

>>48636516
Thanks friend-dr!

Do you guys remember when there was only one type of dragon? When there wasn't a "chromatic dragon master race" or "metallic dragon master race"? Or when we didn't have hydra or wyverns because no degenerates decided to fuck a snake or to fuck a bird? Because I do and I'm tired of this shit! You fuckers are to lazy to do anything about your problems! What Young wyrm has crusade called on him and doesn't kill the god? What wyrm would even consider fucking a human and not just let your kobolds ravage her? This shit has been affecting all us old wyrms! The stress from having to save you shits all the time is the reason Draco-therapist exist! There the only good thing you new wyrms have done! You make dragon kind look weak and now all the adventures think there hot shit! Well I say no more! It's time for the dragons to band together and do what we do best! Fuck shit up!

>>48629187
Hey at least they aren't waltzing into your cave playing pokemon GO and then throwing some painted tennis balls at you while yelling "Whoa. A Charizard!"

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/adventure/ here, /dragon/ons are fags lol

>>48636700
Pay a dragon paladin

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>>48636783
shitty bait

>>48636783
This the shit I was talking about! It's because of you shits a fuck like this exist!

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>>48636764
Yes.

>>48636784
There's no dragon paladins in the area, and I don't know where i would find one. Droogle's turning up results which would take so long to fly to they'd leave me with a raided horde by the time i got back.

The daemons also seem to be slightly resistant to my fire-breath. Not enough to not be burn to a cinder if i keep at it for more than a couple of seconds, but enough to be annoying.

>>48636876
Do you fucks even know how to breed kobolds correctly? Kobolds were made to be adaptable fast breeding soldiers. If a dragon wanted to change a kobolds ressistances and strengths all they would have to do is imprint son magic on there eggs and know you have a special kobold. So what you need to do is go find a human town take som holy scriptures or a cleric for all I care write some runes on the kobold eggs and now you have holy kobolds

Name a better way of luring expensive magic items and meat to your lair than kidnapping princesses

Protip: you can't

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>>48632531
>Δεν τολμούσα να γελάνε μαζί μου!

>>48637040
One way? Making it yourself you degenerate

>>48637058
>Making meat
>Taking your own magic power and charging enchancements with them
Laughing my scales off

>Wake up after 2000 year nap
>Flowers and herb bombs and shit all around me
>wtf.parchment
>Go outside
>Literally thousands of humans lining up outside my lair
>They all start bowing and shit
>IDoNotHaveTimeForThisShit.ancienttablet
>Breathe fire on a couple of the fuckers to scare them off
>Next day some faggot human covered in gold and wearing a spiky hat walks into my lair
>Like right the fuck inside, apparently they disabled my traps years ago
>Gets on his knees to ask what he has done to incur my wrath
>Says something about "the time of awakening" or some shit and how I'm supposed to lay waste to their enemies or some shit
>Offers me a basket of gold mixed with more fucking herb bombs
>Burn him to a cinder
>Next day another fucker walks in with an even bigger hat
>The balls on these fuckers
>Literally begging me to forgive him and go burn the northern kingdoms or some shit
>Don't even know how to deal with this shit
>Tell him I'll do it if they bring me the heads of all their first borns, that should shut these fuckers up
>Next day I go outside for a walk and there's a fucking pile of thousands of children's heads outside
>WhatTheActualFuckingFuck.magicscroll

guys how do shot fire

>>48637357
Guys who taught a wyvern how to use this board?

>>48637357
>>>/mortals/
heres the board for shitty wyverns like you

HOARD
H
O
A
R
D

hi fellow dragons i'm human and i just wanted to say that i fucked your moms while you were all shitposting here.

>>48637529
The fact that you believe I subscribe to the mortal notion of giving a fuck about my family amuses me.

>>48637529
Pretty bad bait

>>48631034
That seems like effort. And a really bizarre effort, at that.

Sell me on the idea. Preferably with bribes.

>ywn go back in time and live before humans existed
Why live?

Hey /dragon/ites, I have a problem

I can't stop fucking the lower species.
I just see a human barmaid, and I want to teach her the superiority of BDC.
Which isn't really a problem in and of itself I suppose. the problem is that my superior dragon genetics keep getting the job done and these animals give birth to partially draconian children.

Now, I'm a soft-hearted dragon deep down and I don't want to wipe our my own children, so is there a service I could hire to cleanse the earth of these abominations?

>>48637663
Why is this a problem?

If anything, partially draconian humans are a gift to the humans

>>48631264
Why do you CARE? Your entire problem here is that you are giving a damn about lesser creatures. They're still worshiping you, aren't they?

>>48637749
>mistreating your subjects

>>/necromancy/

>>48637529
>>48637529
F A L S E
L
A
G

>pick one of my kobolds to be my personal servant
>accidentally crush him 1000 years later
>really sad about it
>one day find out kobolds don't live that long
>he'd been replaced about fifty times and I never noticed
>now I just feel like a racist

I come from a family of proud princess-snatchers, but the line of succession in the human kingdom has really thinned out and now they only have a prince left. It's not gay to snatch a prince, right? Like, if I say no homo first?

>>48637663
Bring them in, they will likely have daddy issues, and will be more than happy to do what you want them to.

>>48637723
Okay, that might be cool, but it's really the half-dragon kobolds I want to be rid of.
I don't need anyone noticing my KP collection if they visit

>>48637663

Start fucking the males instead.

>>48629187
Has anyone else checked out this site called Bad Human? It's for roleplaying purposes, I swear.

>>48638064
>600 891 years after the death of Khozoth the darkener
>Not having human genitals in your hoard

LaughingKobolds.rune

>>48637865
Did you ancestors fuck all the princesses they captured?

Good evening, /dragon/. I am from a realm where there aren't so many of us left.

After sleeping for thousands of years during the 5th world, humans fucked up everything by dragons woke up for the 6th world.
There's pollution everywhere, mechanical golems are mass-produced, information zips across the world faster than a dragon's flight, and they build weapons of colossal devastation.

So my point is this: leave the humans alone for a while and they might build new toys for you guys to dick around with.

>>48638216
lol sure thing
gb/DRP/

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I dunno, I was kinda glad that I was turned into Parasitic in nature.

Now I hoard villagers to turn into lesser versions of me.

So I sort of fucked this paladin and I'm pretty sure the eggs I just laid are fucking fertilized.

How does one raise partially human children?

Guys I got a human stuck up my ass and he keeps squirming and it's been two days now.

wtf do I do

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>>48639216

You don't. Dump them on the paladin.

His god wont let him ditch them, and you don't have to deal with them.

>>48638064
I didn't need to see that.

>>48639216
They're mostly like regular children except they die if you breathe on them, feed them a whole cow or throw them over a cliff.

>>48630304
>he doesn't want to merge this plane with Tiamat's Domain
>he doesn't want to be rewarded with a kingdom to rule or raze at his whim

>Live with tribe in lair of ancient dragon.
>Dragon gets butchered by adventurers, while we kobolds try to protect the hoard.
Any dragons here that need a new lair? I fear the adventurers will return with more of their kind and we didn´t even have time to mourn what´s left of our master.

>>48639226

Fly to his hometown and shit him out in front of the populace, exposing him as a foul practitioner of arseplomancy.

>>48639226
Get a kobold, tie a rope around his waist, then tell him to go in and grab the human. It's not complicated.

>>48639946
Don't you think I've tried? I can't shit him out.

>>48639987
That's actually really smart, will return with results soon

>>48639917
this is obviously a scam

>>48640119
>Definitely not an adventurer.
I´m not scamming you, my dear dragon. I´m just waiting for a new dragon to move into the empty lair.

>>48640119
Have you tried craning your neck around and breathing flame up your own asshole until he's a big pile of easily shat ash? It takes a lot of practice to get limber enough, but you'd be surprised how fireproof your ass is.

>>48640197
Wait,if your really a kobold why do you know how to use this board? What self respecting dragon would ever teach a kobold how to use /dragon/?

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>>48629375

>>48640225
Anon she might be a white dragon or a blue dragon for all we know.

The rope broke but the kobold suffocated to death so that's no biggie.

>>48640225
If I could reach my asshole with my mouth I wouldn't be in this situation, dranon.

>>48640297
>she

>>48640267
...
Shit. I got myself caught. Gotta go before you guys roast me.

/dragon/ I'm a Human with 4 dragon related subtypes and qualify as a dragon for the purposes of meeting pre-requisites, I can subdue any dragon and make her mine, but I'm having difficulty making her my wife. Any suggestions for ruling over all dragons and inheriting my birth right from the all mother?

>>48640722
>making up lies on a draconian shitposting forum
Work on your storytelling mortal.

>>48640751
Nice dex score you've got there, it would be a shame if you took dex damage equal to half of the number of D6s on my breath weapon on a failed save.

>>48640722
First off you'll never rule over all dragons ever. Now what you need to do is amass a large hoard,burn down some villages,and finally beat her in the traditional binding ritual

>>48633255
1. Get used to it. You are a Dragon now.

2. You'll learn to shapechange eventually and can assume that lesser form you once had.

>>48640869
Is the traditional binding ritual breathing a lingering, clinging, enduring breath weapon that reduces her to negative dexterity?

I am currently on a campaign to acquire more dragon waifus, one is held by an opposing kingdom, so I am burning that down as we speak.

I have at will fabricate and +21 to craft checks, I am acquiring extra dimensional spaces just for gold.

>>48640949
you fuck! No self respecting dragon is down with polygamy! Sure some have a few Wenches on the side but not full blown polygamy!

>>48641022

Hi, resident necromancer here. He has anything but self-respect. I think that's the point.

>>48641022
I only want one of each color and metal, those born of the convergence of planes or corrupted by the dark tapestry or worse yet primal, oriental or those with psionics aren't of the All Mother's design.

>>48641089
No fuck you get off /dragon/ you living tumor

>>48641174
Are you upset because a human stole your last mate? Dranon you've been raping virgins for at least few hundred years.

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Hey fags, remember Darakathon?

Yeah, he's my mount now. Sometimes I let him eat my enemies, but not very often now that he's started begging for scraps of it.

Any tips in how to make baby dragons without either dragon being able to gloat about getting laid? I don't want you beasts to have fun

/dragon/, I fucked up. I fucked up bad.
>Be me, kickass young red dragon
>Live in a sweet mountain with molten center
>Eat dwarves and take their stuff from time to time when bored, harrass local towns, generally have a good time

>Eventually go further south, find this human barbarian chieftainess with a rocking body
>Decide she's worth fugging
>Kidnap her, do the do, demand her tribe pays me tribute in exchange for her (temporary) freedom
>She agrees
>Sweet tribute starts rolling in
>She hops on my dragon dick a few more times out of fear and because she knows she's not finding any human or dragon that can match this

>A few months later she says she's having my kid
>Whatever, bitch
>Son is eventually born, has my scales
>Eventually there's another son
>First son is built like a steel-lined fort, the other has super high magical potential
>Go me

>Eventually the chieftainess starts getting old and bitchy
>Start ignoring her, wait for the kids to get older and stronk enough to help me
>First son snaps his mom's neck because she starts beating the younger in secret
>That's my boy, could use a little more selfishness though

>Both of them basically ditch their kingdom for adventures and study respectively
>Whatever, I'll run things from the shadows to make sure that tribute keeps coming
>Two years later my older son shows up with a group of misfits and demands I stop
>Of course, I laugh in his face. "You and what army?"

>Old man in the back steps up
>Looks like some idiot wizard challenging my authority
>He asks me if that's my final answer, I tell him to eat shit
>Drops his polymorph
>He's a fucking ANCIENT SILVER DRAGON that everyone thought was dead
>Asks me to repeat my answer like the smug cunt he is

What the fuck do I do, /dragon/?
What the actual hell? How do you even pull shit like that off?
Also, I think my son has a fucking Dragonslaying Lance.
Fucking silver dragons and their humanboo tendencies!

>>48641253
First off you made a mistake by fucking a lesser species you sick fuck,Second off that's probably the reason the ancient dragon is angry, third you should be a better father

>>48631034
Well for that we would need the dick bone of a vampire who can stop time.

>>48641647
>First off you made a mistake by fucking a lesser species you sick fuck,
Well how the fuck was I supposed to know the kid would grow up to be a dragonslayer?
You know how rare that shit is?
Besides, the only chromatic female in the area is a green whore who rolls over for anyone with a CR better than 7. That shit be nasty, yo.
>Second off that's probably the reason the ancient dragon is angry,
For what fucking reason? He should be happy that there are more half-breeds in the world, given how those guys sow their oats.
>third you should be a better father
He's trying to kill me! What am I supposed to do, put him in time-out?

>Dragons can breed with anything
>Humans can breed with anything
I think the gods are trying to tell us something, here.

>>48641785
>Besides, the only chromatic female in the area is a green whore who rolls over for anyone with a CR better than 7. That shit be nasty, yo.
... You in the Andes? If so we're thinking of the same dragon.

>>48641833
Anything that doesn't die when we try.

>>48629187
I spent all my gold trying to build the most impregnable lair ever.

On an unrelated note, I'm kinda looking for a room mate right now. Must have a large hoard. Must not be a bitch about me lying on it.

>>48641852
I know they say dragons can breed with anything, but trying to impregnate your lair never ends well.

>>48641833
This.

Male dragons look out for human dragon slayers.

Female dragons look forward to human dragons layers.

Get cucked doubledongers.

>>48641887
>trying to impregnate your lair never ends well.
Ends with a sticky cave floor and nothing else.

But hey, horny dragonesses can smell your lair from continents away, and that's generally a good thing. Hell, male ones can too, if that's your thing. Mine is. The more ancient the dragon the better.

>>48641785
why not just talk it out? The kid obviously has issues as his mother was obusive and you weren't much of a dad. The dragons probably just in it for the hoard and land that and you fucked a human

>>48641845
>... You in the Andes? If so we're thinking of the same dragon.
Hell no, man.
She your sister or something?
>>48641852
>Must not be a bitch about me lying on it.
Nah, fuck you. My hoard is my hoard. Get your own damn gold.
>>48641899
I've actually once gotten a 'house call' from some drow matron who wanted a 'powerful bloodline'.
Told the bitch to lose some weight and then I'd think about it. When she got mad I killed them all and took their shit, before following the last guy back to their city and taking all of their stuff too. Good times.
Also, enjoy your princesses never being able to go back after getting captured.
>>48641922
Dude, I'm bona-fide CE and I think you've got problems.

>>48641852
>On an unrelated note, I'm kinda looking for a room mate right now. Must have a large hoard. Must not be a bitch about me lying on it.
For the last time, Ladon, we are tired of subsidizing your bullshit. Learn to budget.

>>48641944
I told them if they fucked off I'd let the kids have the kingdom, but that fucking silver started talking about muh justice and muh repentance and shit.
Goddamn I hate those guys, especially the old ones. They never shut the hell up when they start their speeches.

>>48641950
OH your one of them degenerates. I can see why the silver would want to kill you

>>48641852
>Greek dragons
Remind me again why we let you have a voice on the council?

>>48641986
Well then you can move in with the guy who tried to impregnate his lair and come visit during the holidays because i think that's the only way to escape him

>>48641950
>Dude, I'm bona-fide CE and I think you've got problems.
It's not a problem if we're both enjoying it, dranon.

And if the elder dragons weren't enjoying it they'd fry me to cinders, not.. Well. No. I won't go there. This is magical realm enough without detailing the emasculation of dragons.
They give me their hoards

Hey /dragons/, tiefling here

I dunno if he posts here, but do any of you know "Deathice"?

He keeps terrorizing my peasants and breathing shit all over my crops while declaring that I will be his "infernal bride"

What do?

>>48642140
>breathing shit all over my crops
Literally or metaphorically?

>>48642140
>Hey /dragons/, stalker here
FTFY

Stop "sneaking" into my lair, you crazy planespawn. Your daddy issues are not my problem.

>>48642025
H-hey, I come from a long line of highly regarded dragons (my ancestors' lairs were the cradle of dragon civilization, you know) and I pulled in a bunch of treasure last year.

I just kinda owe these Duergar a lot of gold right now. I'll bounce back, you'll see.

>>48642189
If he's a black dragon, it's probably literal.

I'm not racist or nothing, but all of those guys smell like swamp ass.

>>48642189

Not literally, it's ice.

>>48642194

Cute, but I doubt "Deathice" can spell 'planespawn', he's much more like >>48631074
that idiot

>>48642222
>I pulled in a bunch of treasure last year
You were /loaned/ a bunch of treasure, by northern dragons who earn their hoards.

>I just kinda owe these Duergar a lot of gold right now.
Great. Now you're slumming with diggers.

>I'll bounce back, you'll see.
So what you're saying is there's no chance we're going to see our gold again. Tiamat, I can't believe they still sing songs about your kind.

/dragon/ pls help
I got my stinger stuck in a cow and can't get it out.
pls respond.

Hey guys I'm a black dragon I own a swamp. So one day I wake up from a 10 year nap and notice there's a bunch cultists and a hoard of lizard men in my swamp what should I do about it?

>>48642369
Lizard men are fine and all, but cultists are always trouble. Appear before the Lizard men and tell them that only eliminating the cultists will put them in your good grace.

Worst case scenario, the lizard men get all killed by the cultists, but then you can cull the survivors and claim all the treasure for yourself.

>>48642365
Why do you have a stinger?

>>48642470
Doesn't everyone?

>>48642467
So I appeared before the lizard men they started cheering and some of the old ones started crying. They might be descendants of my kobolds I think? Anyways I learned that the cult is being chased down by Paladins who may or may not kill me.

Hey /dragon/ nameless plane walker here (something about my name being too powerful for anyone to know). I grow bored with having an army to do everything for me. How do I spice up my existence?

>>48642486
No unless,your talking about your penis, in which case why did you fuck a cow?

Funny thing happened a few years ago. Like my Sire and his Sire before him I guard an ancient artefact that can destroy an dragon's soulstone. The High Dragon Lord gave it to us as task before he was body broken by the jealous gods. Anyway, I suddenly find a bunch of adventurers fighting some orcs and ogers right at my doorstep. The adventurers made a beeline and I could take my sweet time getting dinner. Peeled the orcs from their armour, played a bit catch and release with the ogers in mid air, had an all-around good time. But when I came back in my lair, the artefact was gone. I was really, really mad. At the adventurers, at the adventurers, but really at myself. I went berserk and set everything aflame in 10 mile radius. My draco-therapist says violence doesn't solve anything, but it felt good.
And the very next day the adventurers showed up at my door and ask for help! With the artefact! So violence and rage do solve your problems. I wanted to tear them apart at first, but as cautious dragon I read their minds first. Turned out they were on a crusade against the lizard folk, who try to revive their dragonkin masters *again*. Yeah gramps didn't turn their old bastion into the death maze that it is to let THAT happen. So I just mind-wiped them and gave them a fake artefact to help them if necessary. So everything went well in the end, and I fired my therapist.

>>48642555
The fuck is a planeswalker?

>>48642547
And that's the issue with cults. They always attract adventurers. You need to act fast, so you go with your Lizardmen and cull the cultists, offer them half of what the cultists carry if just to encourage them to get ready fast, have their corpses left outside of the swamps so that the paladins figure out the cultists got killed and don't come and bother you.

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>>48632418
Hail and well met.

>>48642369
who are they worshipping? Is it you? Because it's not you you should totally make it you.

>>48642365
Eat the cow.

>>48641833
You know, it's weird, but I totally think humans might be related to us somehow.

Did we do any weird experiments back in ancient times to make servants a bit less autistic than kobolds?

>>48641253
Dude, too late, time to pack up. Hope you have recall on at least half your horde and a safe place to go.

Nothing is more potentially damaging to a dragon than their half-blood progeny.

That's why you don't neglect them and take care of them. They'll remember if you've treated them well or poorly.

>>48642140
>"infernal bride"

GREYHAWK

But, seriously, sneak dat shit and fuck him up. Only way to get us to back down is to prove your powerful and assert your own dominance. Until you do that, he's not going to leave.

>>48642574
>he doesn't have a stinger
Pleb
She was giving me the look anon, how was I supposed to know that cows can't tollerate my 'venom'?

>>48642593
So I followed your advice and killed the cultist and put there bodies on sicks in full regalia. Turns out they follow an anti-dragon God and the Paladins are coming to kill me. There's a thousand of them. I'm a young adult. I'm boned

>>48642645
You fucked a cow. YOU FUCKED A COW. /dragon/ I give up on life

>>48642688
Ouch, that's bad luck I haven't faced since the village I sponsor faced a really bad drought.
Is your swamp all water and mud, or are there pools that can be set on fire? Either way, have the lizardmen prepare your hoard for moving, because you'll have to find a new home.

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>>48629187
So, /dragon/, but of an interesting situation here:
Some time back I kidnapped a princess for ransom and all that.

Later I kidnapped her sister when their father seemed to think the older sister was disposable. I also kidnapped the queen and the king'd eunuch for good measure.

Only person whose come by for them are an unrelated adventuring team who didn't even know about my kidnap victims and I sent packing for the most part and they abandoned their dwarven warrior girl who got a broken leg in one of my traps.

So now I've got five humanoids in my cave, and the dwarf apparently plays this imagination game called Supply & Demand where you play as these people going about their lives doing various paperwork assignments in an 'office building' and they want someone to play the "Office Manager" and look to me.

Now, I'm no stranger to games, I play a mean chess match, but I'm feeling leery about this. Anyone have any experience with this Supply & Demand game? It's apparently on it's 5th edition. (the one the dwarf brought)

>>48642756
There's shroom pepole. There's a strange amount of dry wood. The Paladins have divine Fire and will be here in 3 weeks

>>48642782
Why do you keep five humanoids in your cave? What's wrong with you?

>>48642751
>it's fine to fuck humans and make a hundred bastards
>but a cow is where /dragon/ draws the line

>>48642591
An individual who is able to travel between different planes of existence, whether they be physical or not at will. Basically I can travel to, and was born in the void that existed before the multiverse. Physical barriers and the laws of physics are meaningless to me.

Hey /dragon/, right off the bat I wanna tell all of you that I am a Draco lich. I have been one since I was a young warm, but I've been necromancy clean for a 3 centuries now. This a sorta psa to all the young ones out their thinking about dabbling in a bit of necromancy. Sure it might seem cool at first, you become wreathed in necrotic energy and can raise a continents worth of dead. Sooner or later you will begin to realize the things you've lost. Mates, hoards, even your scales will start falling out. If a she dragon hadn't happened in to my unlike and helped me clean up who knows where I'd be. If your brood mates offer you a raise dead spell, just say no.

>>48642782
Dranon please watch out, a buddy and I from my past played S&D 1st edition. It was fun, "dot matrix" "CRT", 2nd Ed introduced "dial up", but that was the high watermark, over priced "laser jet" and "LCD" would increase return, but would cost so much to implement that it just wasn't fun anymore.

This was about the time he started LASDing. He'd shape change to odd little character with a neck garment and weird spectacle, and go on about ROI and new product lines, meanwhile spending his horde on ungodly accessories, models of the in game items etc. he'd also go down to the town "amusement center" and meet others that did the same.

He's never come out of it, "CEO" he says, had to kill the "CFO" because he was embezzling...... His made up imaginary horde!

Stay away, far far away.

>>48642893
Post timestamp or gtfo

>>48642890
Fucking humans is still bad it's just that pepole don't stop no matter what we say. But your in a new league of autism you FUCKED A COW

>>48642946
Timestamp of what, and to what point of reference? The human calendar? My footprint halfway up a wall?

You think a physical device letting me post here would work in the void?

>>48640945
That's not the point. I can't tell people to just get used to me randomly setting them on fire.

>>48642975
>not supposed to fuck cows
>not supposed to fuck humans
You're not leaving me many options.

>>48643072
Fuck a dragon!

>>48643130
>normalfags

>>48643156
You are the reason adventures think that they can kill dragons

Alright /dragon/ I need your advice here. Now, I'm pretty sure this human woman wants my spear if you know what I mean but its a fucking human so I tell them to fuck off but they keep coming back after slaughtering loads of people and monsters or something. This has been going on for I think 50 years and she wont stop coming. I don't want to kill her because its entertaining to watch her murder anything in her way but holy shit she is annoying when she comes up. What do?

>>48643191
Dick her. You know you want to. Breed her like a filthy human sow.

>>48643191
Wait a century and she'll most likely be dead

>>48643230
I'm not going to ruin my reputation by fucking a human
>>48643238
You sure? Now, I'm not an expert on humans but I'm pretty sure they are supposed to look different as they age but this one looks the same as they did when they first started coming.

>>48643230
Pls don't fuck her unless she's a dragon in disguise

>>48643252
does she have pointy ears because humans don have those

>>48643186
Anon, he's clearly a wyvern.

>>48643252
Pointed ears?

>>48643252
Wait a minute i smell foul play here you might need to cast detect magic on her because she may be a male dragon trying to rape you

>>48643288
>>48643296
No pointy ears I'm pretty sure at least

>>48643309
Ah shit will do next time he/she/whatever the fuck it is shows up

>>48643289
Oh shit that explains everything except for one thing why does a wyvern know how to use the board?

>>48642876
Well the royals are part of my plan to supplant leadership of the kingdom with my own line, so far both princesses are in on it. The Queen and eunuch are just to make sure the king can't make anymore heirs. (I know eunuchs aren't for heirs, but dammit, I'm not risking the court wizard making them concubines)

I am thinking of eating them soon, the queen sure as hell is pissing everyone off and her daughters clearly don't like her any more than I do.

The dwarf I'm thinking of making her sort of a champion. She's got a good eye for stonework and good at appraising, And has taken the whole 'stuck with a dragon' pretty well.

I'm thinking about letting her take command of the kobold tribe I usually patron. But, after she's earned a bit more trust. If only because I'm sure she'll keep the kobolds from deciding the best forms of taps involve javlin traps that launch dildo tipped spears into the asses of intruders.

>>48642931
Uhhh, wow, that sounds... Yeah, I think I'll just break out my chess sets and such.

>>48643072
You could try dating in your own species.

Admittedly, not that i'm one to talk.

>>48642688
>>48642872
Okay, question: how well can you dig?

Because if you're good at digging and your lizard folk tribe are good at trap building: deepen your lair, fill it with traps out the ass, and be prepared to start collapsing the whole thing on the paladins.

You might not kill all of them but you should be able to thin their numbers.

If you have and druids in your lizardfolk tribe, try to have them rile up the local wildlife and even attract more dangerous creatures. Reshape the land so it's even more hazardous to cross and even use weather manipulation to make the place muggy as hell. Most humanodis can't stand intense heat and humidity, especially in full armor.

Or pack up and go, because, yeah, you're staring down some bad odds.

>>48643332
Mayne he tricked a kobold?
A better question is how he tricked you.

>>48643417
Which begs another question why does a kobold know how to use the board?

>>48643400
I decided to take my shit and gol live with the guy who tried to impregnate his lair. Ain't dealing with that shit

>>48643540
I know a dragon that lets some of his sorcerers shitpost for him when he's bored, so it's not totally out out of the question.

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>>48643732
I think I have a picture of him.

>>48643680
Despite what some may tell you, there's no shame in this.

>>48643877
>that pic
Close, but he's green, not red

Hey you fags. I got a plan, a plan so big that all the dragon bitchs will want to fuck us. I found this sword apparently it was owned by the first dragon the sword has the power to any God. So we should go around killing gods and set ourselves up as the new religion. We can fuck who we want when we want except for cows and any other lower species of that ilk

>>48629187
horde.... horde.... HORDE...... holy fuck I am triggered.
Is this something deliberate for this board? Or is it just retardation?
HOARD is what a dragon has.

>>48644327
Why did the first dragon need a sword?

>>48637181
fucking KEK
Mortals are so stupid, i swear to Bahamut.

>>48643877
I beb'd

>>48644331
Thanks grammar dranon!

>>48644418
Fuck do I know I just found it he probably made it for shits and giggles. I hear that he made everthing that was a part of his hoard capable of killing the gods

>>48643332
God damn foot-typers

>>48644331
wow anon stop taking grammer so seriously I only type for fun

>>48644569
That would explain the wierd glowing nail i have in my hoard...

>>48629187
pffffft, some dragon. doesnt even know how to spell whored

What is the average height of dragons compared to other draconic species?

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>>48629187
Fucking knights keep "adventuring" into my cave to try and save a princess or some shit. There isnt any fucking women here, im a giant lizard living in a cave, whats their fucking problem?

The nobles need another war to distract them. Even year I get at least a dozen knights trying to challenge me for glory or some shit like that. Suicidal Humans, it literally takes me five seconds to burn them into ash.

Anyone else having this problem? I was thinking about moving my lair somewhere else but it was already hard finding a big enough cave for me and my hoard.

>>48644979
Just block the cave entrance with a rock.

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>>48645018
Oh you don't think ive tried?

Oh fucking please, thats when they start making parties with others. Usually they get a wizard or something move the rock or a thief to sneak in. It only makes it worse.

>>48645051
I knew a dragon who had a similar problem and here's how he solved it.
You need to get some minions, then put them im between your hoard and the entrance.
I haven't heard a complaint from him since them.

>>48644979
Set up a decoy lair outside your actual lair. Kidnap some peasant, clean her up a bit and leave her in there for the knights to find. Chances are they'll think she's the princess and take her home without bothering you.

>>48644979
>There isnt any fucking women here
Men?

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YOU KNOW, I'M GLAD

USUALLY THESE THREADS DEVOLVE INTO HUMANFUCKERS CIRCLEJERKING ABOUT BEING FUNCTIONING MEMBERS OF 'SOCIETY' WITH THE TOKEN RED PRESENCE DISMISSED AS BEING 'OLD FASHIONED' BECAUSE THEY BURNED A VILLAGE OR SIX WHEN INSUFFICIENT TRIBUTE WAS PROVIDED.

YOU GUYS ACTUALLY SEEM ALRIGHT. PERHAPS MY KIND HAS NOT ENTIRELY DEGENERATED AFTER ALL.

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>>48645228
This is a good idea. Ill try it.

>>48645250
No, just a dragon and his dragon gold.

>>48645173
I tried this but they ended up making a union and demanding higher wages and benefits. Cost too much gold.

>>48645307
lol get out grandpa

>>48645335
Respect your Elder Wyrms, Hatchling.

>>48645317
CONSTRUCTS, FRIEND

I USED TO KNOW A BLUE OUT IN THE EASTERN DESERTS WHO HAD A MASSIVE SANDSTONE PALACE PATROLLED BY GLASS GOLEMS THAT HE MADE ESPECIALLY TO REFLECT LIGHT AT SPECIFIC ANGLES. IT WAS PRETTY AS FUCK WHEN THE SUN HIT IT, AND THEY FUCKED ADVENTURERS UP LIKE NOTHING ELSE. IMAGINE A GIANT MAGNIFYING GLASS, WHERE THE ADVENTURER IS AN ANT. FUCKING HILARIOUS.

LOOK INTO IT. ALL THE PERKS OF COMPETENT MINIONS WITHOUT ANY OF THE BACKTALK THAT SO OFTEN LEADS TO THEIR INCINERATION.

>>48645307
trust me some of us remember the old ways, just cause this newfangled dragonet garbage is a thing doesn't mean we shouldn't follow proper curtesy.
also filthy humanfuckers are primarily chromatic scum and lesser species, you know this, anyways i've got some youngling coming to my swamp to complain about treatment of chromatic younglings, some young upstart called bahamut, i will see you lot in a bit.

>>48629187
>Nigh-immortal magical flying fire-breathing reptile
>Eats all your sheep and burns down all your villages
>Destroys your castles and steals all the gold and gems
>Finally retires to a god-forsaken cave somewhere, spending his remaining life writing poetry and sleeping on treasure until his belly is diamond-encrusted.
>Go on, this is what i wore when they raided me, please tell me I asked for it.

I mean, they ARE asking for it. You might falsely believe that they are relatively harmless once they have retired, but sadly, no. They make cults and enslave minions to go and grab more gold, because their greed can never be satisfied. And when they get bored of their poetry collection, they desire to fool adventurers in to have riddle contests. Besides, we have to get revenge for all those sheep, farmers, royalty (unless it was elfs of course), and all the structural/collateral damage.

Being on the wrong side of the law, in addition to having the greatest treasure around, is a fucking double whammy for getting raided.

>>48636249
My younger brother had the bright idea of eating his hoard so he could take it wherever he went.

The idiot took a leap to go fly and went tumbling and crashing down the mountain, breaking his wings and leaving him injured enough to succumb to the peasants that saw his fall.

Gold and platinum is fucking heavy, the last lesson he learned.

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>>48629187
Soooo, does anyone here have any experience with Necromancy?

I recently awoke from a particularly dreamful 20 year nap, and it turns out I had somehow animated the toasted skeletal remains of a few adventuring parties I had accumulated over the years. I can direct them generally, so I was wondering if a skeletal horde-protection system could work. Maybe I can raise some more, less crispy warriors to gather treasure for me? Am I supposed to be able to do this?

I was chilling out on my hoard the other day when this copper slut flew down to my cave. At first I was ready to do the whole "dragon on dragon deathmatch" to defend my hoard, but she turned around, lifted her tail and started wiggling her rear.

Now, I'm normally not into metallics. But it had been a while and she was ready to go...

Long story short, anybody got a good treatment for scale sores?

>>48646551
>scale sores

Ahh yes, the 70 year itch.

>>48646551
Probably a gods-damn dickass wizard satisfying his fetishes and being a general asshole in the same motion.

Anyways, try one of those mineral hot springs. You might have to do some earthwork to get a pool big enough.

fuck you fucking dragons I'm just trying to make a living, my family is poor and my orc father is in prison, I need to pay his bounty, some of us need your gold and treasures more than you

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Blasted wizards and their polymorph spells!

>>48646769
You're just jealous we can rape and pillage better than you.

>>48646769
>orc
>father
Doesn't exist.

>>48637865
Just correct the problem with magic.

>tfw human with a dragon bloodline
>father told me story about how he banged a green dragon once
>says it was the best sex he ever had
>lost contact with her after I was born
>now I have green fucking scales covering my skin
>they itch like the nine hells

Fucking dragons stop having sex with my race

>>48646777
Please be near Waterdeep.

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>>48646769
YOUR FAMILY TRAGEDY IS TOUCHING AND ALSO HILARIOUS BUT MY HOARD IS VERY SPECIFICALLY MY HOARD, NOT YOUR HOARD.

IF YOU WANT A HOARD, THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD RAZE A FEW CITIES AND DEMAND TRIBUTE FROM THOSE THAT REMAIN

WHAT'S THAT, YOU CAN'T BREATH FIRE? WELL THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST CRY AND CURSE YOUR WRETCHED HUMAN GODS FOR CREATING THAT PATHETIC BAG OF ORGANS YOU CALL A BODY, THAT CAN'T EVEN FLY, BREATHE FIRE, OR INSTINCTIVELY CHANNEL THE FORCES OF CREATION.

REALLY, YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS, YOU CAN EITHER KILL YOURSELF (I SUPPORT THIS WHOLEHEARTEDLY) OR YOU CAN STOP BEING SHIT AND BE A DRAGON INSTEAD (HA!)

>>48645307
Hey, I remember you.

Wyverns ARE dragons too, dammit.

>>48647061
Sure they are.

Let me guess, Drakes count as dragons too right?

Lol

>>48647061
Fuck off with your half breeds anon don't forget to slit your throat and jump off a cliff wyvern fucker

>>48646977
We're a few towns over, but we might be heading in that direction. They made me come with them, wouldn't even let me bring anything from my hoard. They don't seem to have any idea what to do, I get the impression this wasn't actually planned.

>>48647091
Next thing you know they'll allow hydras on the dragon council

>>48647091
Oh yes, look at me with my six limbs and a need to have every creature under the sun lick my cloaca.
Fuck you. Smaug never has to deal with this shit.

>>48647120
I AM.a wyvern! Of course I'll fuck wyverns you egg-dropped scaleless buffoon!
Elder wyvern, please. We do get more intelligent with age after all.

>>48647148
I'd rather share a den with a dragon turtle.

Fuckin necks thinking they're people.

>>48647091
>>48647120
>>48647148
What's worse being a wyvern or being a lindworn

>>48647165
This is fucking bait there's no way a wyvern is on this board they can't even speak draconic so there no way he'll understand what we're saying

>>48647205
He could be half and half, like a filthier draco-lisk.

>>48647173
Neither being the filthy half-breed born from a hydra and a wyvern. Though I hear they only live for about 5 years because everyone tries to kill them as fast as possible

>>48647169
>necks

That's OUR word.

>>48647205
ELDER. WYVERN. Intelligence. Increases. With. Age. For all your much vaunted superiority this simple concept is one you find hard to wrap those mighty minds around.

I'll make no excuses for my kin however. My race prescribed to the quantity over quality in hatchlings. We generally don't last as long as I have to gain much in the way of intelligence.
Although I already feel like screaming and shrieking while tearing into flesh and killing a couple smaller things.

>>48647228
WHO THE FUCK FUCKED A WYVERN. I turn my back for a decade and now your all fucking sexual devients

>>48647287
Well hey, if any dragonessess willing to be a sexual deviant.. putting the offer out there is all.

>>48647274
I will find you you abomination. Your face was a fucking mistake! Your a thing because some fuck boy of a dragon decided to fuck a bird because he got bored. As I am typing this I am having my network of kobold spies traking you down. Your fucking dead kiddio
~ ancient gold dragon

>>48647287
I sure as shit didn't.

Worst I've done is fucked some copper slut who may or may not have been a dickass wizard.

>>48647061
DEGENERATED HALF-BLOODS WHO HOLD A MERE SHADOW OF THE GLORY THAT RUNS THROUGH THE VEINS OF THE TRUE DRAGONKIND.

FIT ONLY FOR LABOUR, AS ELITE MINIONS, PERHAPS PLEASURE AS LONG AS YOU DON'T INTEND TO PROCREATE WITH THEM. UGH.

>>48647351
You fucking degenerate you go get a bitch the right way you try to fuck her while she's trying to tear your throat out as you burining down a village together

>>48647359
Good luck, I'm behind seven wards.

Oh who am kidding, it'd probably be a mercy at this point. My neighbours hiss and bark broken common and draconic. This is the closest thing to conversation I've had in years. At least being hated is some kind of draconic recognition.
Though I'm pretty sure I'm not half dragon in the first place, unless my clutch mates were all dropped in the shell.

How does a wyvern even type?

>>48647428
Big fish, small pond.

You're the king of the inbred syphilitic retards. The best among them. How does it feel?

>>48647418
YOU WOULD FUCK A WYVERN YOU DEGENERATE!WHAT KIND OF SICK FUCK ARE YOU

>>48647452
Probably human slaves or using there feet

>>48647472
OF COURSE NOT, I'M A FUCKING RED.

BUT IF IT KEEPS THE YOUNGER DRAGONS AWAY FROM HUMANOIDS THEN IT'S A NECESSARY DEVIATION. PERHAPS I'M TOO LENIENT, BUT I FIGURE WYVERNFUCKERS ARE STILL BETTER THAN HUMANFUCKERS. IT'S LIKE SLUMMING AS OPPOSED TO OUTRIGHT BESTIALITY, WAY I FIGURE.

>>48647526
>there
Wyvern detected

>>48647454
Why do you think I come here? I can't even hide amongst the mortals. Studying magic enough to do polymorph is tricky on your own.
That said, we do get smart enough so long we don't kill ourselves first. Not as easy as it sounds. Got hopes for the second oldest in the valley though, a couple more centuries and I'm pretty sure he'll get into full sentences, and it all snowballs from there.

>>48647452
I'm still a fucking draconic being, despite your objections. I have magic enough for this.
How do the rest of you do it then? You didn't have giant keyboards made did you?

>>48647452
They shoot spines at the keyboard, or get somebody to do it for them.

It's extremely silly and further proof that wyverns are a living joke.

>>48647428
You don't even know how your race was conceived? Some fucking degenerate of a dragon fucked a bird and your ancestors were born that's how

>>48647552
Fucking found you kiddo. Any other dragons want in on this? I have 5 ancients 20 adults and 5 young adults

>>48647559
/d/ragon here. That gives me an idea...

Brb, finding a great white shark...

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>>48647611
too late

>>48647611
NO DON'T YOU DARE YOU FUCKING DEGENERATE I WILL FIND YOU AND GUT YOU IF YOU DO ANYTHING

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>>48647552
>Eldest wyvern's best is slightly worse than everybody else's average

I ACTUALLY FEEL SORRY FOR YOU, AND CAN RESPECT YOU UNDERSTANDING YOUR PLACE IN THE WORLD.

THAT SAID, I'M PRETTY CERTAIN YOUR SPECIES IS STILL SOME SORT OF COSMIC PRANK. WATCHING A WYVERN TRY AND FAIL TO PROPERLY STACK A HOARD OF COPPER (!) COINS AND FIGURINES WAS ONE OF THE MOST HILARIOUS THINGS I'VE SEEN IN CENTURIES.

>>48647609
Mind the neighbours. There's good hundred of us in the valley.
Yes, it smells. Yes I clean my cave. Wipe your feet before you come in.

>>48647611
I'd say adding need more hydras, but they seem to piss you off almost as much as me. So, whatever. Go for it. Actually, go for a basking shark. Your progeny might look funny at least.

>>48647648
Oh hey, so that's where we come from.

>>48647648
WHY? WHY DO YOU DO THIS?

>>48647690
I've spent centuries fucking all sorts of animals to see what pops out. It's not degenerate, it's scientific.

>>48647680
We have 15 mages all of which know fire ball and multiple AoEs and I just got another 50 dragons to sign up 20 of which are ancient

>that wyvern earlier who fucked a cow
>if it didn't die we could be dealing with half wyvern half cow monsters

>>48647655
Hey, Dragon Lite isn't the worst place in the world to be in.
Even if we do start out as squawking morons. I just want to be recognised dammit. Hell, maybe I should look into draconic ascension rituals. Just so I am piss everyone off for eternity.

>>48647735
Never said you couldn't handle it. Just didn't want you to think they were on my team or whatever. Most of them are complete bastards. Are you coming to kill me or what?

>>48647745
It honestly wouldn't be the first time they've done that. The cow survive usually, and it doesn't amount to anything.
Spooks the farmers something hilarious though.

>>48647708
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU YOUNG WYRMS AND YOUR UNQUENCHABLE SEX DRIVE?

>>48647708
Did you kill the bastard spawn afterwards?

If yes, it's still degenerate, but it isn't going to cause me to declare you a race traitor.