Let's chuckle and recall some of our funny or pitiful times

>I had to spend an hour explaining to him that murder is a crime.
...What? Has he never seen real life?

>>48366047
"But Anon, it's just a game!"

>teaching a group of thirteen year olds bow to roleplay
>group of 4
>two name their characters after anime characters
>one is named after a superhero
>one is named after memes
>we're playing a fantasy dungeon crawler
>fuck my life

>>48366711
You know they probably go to 4chan, right

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>>48366711
if it's just names, i don't see how it'd be that bad. they're kids, for christ's sake.
if they played like a bunch of assholes, then that'd be a whole different story.

>>48366807
13 year olds are usually shit at the game as well, so i wouldn't be surprised. when i was 13 i played like an asshole. i made some fake-ass version of D&D except it was fallout. i didnt even realize that there were post-apocalyptic D&D-clones already out there.

>>48364846
>I had a PC once who asked if Rangers came with horses.
Why wouldn't they? In a pre-industrial world, anybody who's anybody at all comes with a horse. Do you expect your PCs to walk everywhere like some kind of poverty-and-flea-ridden plebians?

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>>48364846
>I had a PC once who asked if Rangers came with horses
I'm sure that sometimes they do.

>>48364846
Protip, this is why you drive casuals out

You don't babysit them
You don't encourage them to stay
You make it EXCEPTIONALLY clear they are banned

You can't cure the casual cancer, just use chemo

This also goes for girlfriends at the table. Not even once.

also OP you brought it on yourself by associating with contards

>>48366456
So if it's just a game why he cares being punished in the first place??

>>48366829

Why would they? A character starting at level one isn't anybody of note. Also, shit's covered in the rulebooks if you bother to read them.

Every campaign I've ever had ended up with the players attempting to start a proletariat uprising or attempting to sabotage the BBEGs base with zero planning. If they get captured they bitch harder than if they get killed

>>48364846
>asked if Rangers came with horses
But it's actually a reasonably safe assumption that one would, or at least could, come with a horse.
That is not at all a bad thing. It shows that he's familiar with what a ranger is. Not his fault D&D gets it wrong.

>>48368848
If that's what they want to do, you should try playing a game that lets them do stuff like that.

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>PC makes his character a bard named "Sir Khaled of New Orleans"
>PC makes his character a rogue named "Papa Frank"

The former was a pacifist who could barely do anything, and the latter memed the whole way through.

>>48368889
>That is not at all a bad thing. It shows that he's familiar with what a ranger is. Not his fault D&D gets it wrong.
>Not giving one specific class a huge advantage at first level
>getting it wrong
Okay man. Also, the word "ranger" has nothing to do with having a horse. It just means someone who ranges.

>>48368934
do intellectual level stuff without actually using their brains at all? how?

>>48368726
Can't tell if bad b8 or retard. But I guess you got a (You).

>>48369247
He didn't mean DnD SHOULD give them horses, he's just pointing out the fact that when talking about real life rangers, one usually assumes there are horses.

>>48369323
>real life rangers
You mean...park rangers?

>>48369343
No like the general Canadian populace. It's all horses and snow up there.

>>48369310
>someone tells harsh truths
>must be b8

fuck off

>>48369397
>somebody tells people to never let people learn
>th- that's the just the truth, im cool, im an elitist like the rest of you r- right guis?

fuck off

>>48369343
rangers in a fantasy setting are typically fucking archers with or without horses.

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>>48364846
>running a game for a bunch of first-timers
>still haven't gotten out of the 'skyrim' mindset
>tries to sell human bones they found in a dungeon to an armorsmith because they think it would make good armor
>smith kicks them out and calls the guard

>>48369491
I think the wilderness survivalist aspect is more important.

There's a long D&D tradition of close combat rangers, hell, no reason a pacifist can't be a "ranger", as long as they live in the woods and "range".

>>48369526
I can understand the smith doing that, but is it actually illegal?
Also
>old ass human bone armor
Why would that be a good idea.

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>>48369397
>>48368726
>no one can come into MY super secret board game club unless you know the password! and no girls allowed
We were all normalfags before starting this hobby anon.

>>48369557
Don't kid yourself man.

More than enough of us have poor social skills, inappropriate ideas about gaming etiquette, body odour issues, and just plain old bad taste.

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>Run first Only War game
>Haven't GM'd in ages
>One of my players is a slav
>I was not prepared
>He made it his goal to pilfer everything that wasn't nailed down
>Our Sergeant is new like me, and not sure how to restrain the savage slavs impulses
>By the end of the first session, through a combination of excellent role playing, lucky rolling and dumb luck, he'd walked off with 1 pallet (yes, pallet) of Lho sticks, 3 weeks of water and food, 3 weeks of recaff, a Tread-Fether with 6 rockets, 8 lasguns in various condition, a cart, a Cameleoline Cloak, a bottle of expensive amasec, and a gilded samovar belonging to a Dev Hetra light artillery regiment

>mfw there are orbital bombardments coming in, and he tells me "I roll to unbolt the samovar from our tank and take it with us"

It was both incredibly entertaining, and immensely frustrating.

>>48369461
>>48369557

protip: we were never normies and helping interested players learn is not the fucking same as accomodating contards and casuals

gaming never used to be "cool" or for "normalfags", it used to be for people who gave a shit, knew what was expected and actually cared about learning to play independently without being spoonfed

you know, like computer games before they became dumbed down for normies

you pathetic millennial shitstains need a reality check, requiring a certain fucking level of interest and intelligence to take part in a hobby isn't elitist or toxic it's basic sense

>>48369639
What's the difference between someone who's learning and your /v/-tier 'casul' meme?

>>48369639
when I started playing people HELPED new players, they didn't compromise everyone else's fun for the sake of someone who needed reminding what HP means ten times a session

>>48369656
someone worth helping:

"OK I have been reading the rules, can you clear up [fine point of rule]"

casual:

"can you make me a character like Sera from Dragon Age shes like SO FUNNY, what dice do I roll again, the d20 is this square one isn't it? What's my attack bonus again?"

>>48369548
Ask my Diablo 2 necromancer.

>>48369626
>"I roll to unbolt the samovar from our tank and take it with us"
Ok, I know bolts aren't nails, but I feel that is at least contrary to the spirit of his goals-as-stated.

>>48369683
Right, so anyone who makes a mistake or asks for help on anything that you've arbitrarily decided doesn't deserve to play, got it.

>>48369726
They hadn't actually bolted it to the tank, so to speak - more "attached it to the crew compartment via the creative application of adhesive tape and a single bracket that was originally used to secure ammunition."

The guy did so much shit that would have gotten him summarily executed (impersonating an officer for the purpose of theivery being chief among them) if caught, but he managed to roll such ridiculous numbers that if I didn't trust him so much I'd have thought he was fudging them.

>>48369761
no, anyone that does not first educate them self or is unbearably cringy it seems. (from reading his post)

of course the cringy part is up to the person.

>>48369761
>reading is haaaard stop oppressing me

it has never been fucking easier to find how to play guides, rules and more for any RPG under the sun

so yes, if you want to play I would fucking expect you to know the ABSOLUTE FUCKING BASIC RULES and not need reminding of them multiple times a session

>hey guys let's play football
>so what's a touchdown again?

>>48369790
>>48369761
now to clear up, the DM has to first say "hey, were doing this system, read up on the rules" otherwise I'm going to go in thinking the first time is character creation and rule go over together because even if you DO read the rules, the DM's I play with STILL go over it together, so any lazy assholes have a fair chance. so the first session is usually extra long or solely rules and creation.

>>48369548
>I can understand the smith doing that, but is it actually illegal?
Robbing graves, you mean?

>>48369967
You know... somehow I never recognized dungeon crawling as grave robbing
Am I one of the skyrim mindset people?

>>48370016
If the dungeon is a tomb, you are definitely robbers.

>>48369683
My only problem with this is that you're conflating casual with asshole.

Casuals come in all shapes and sizes, some willing to learn, or will get interested part way through and try to make up, and some not.
Someone who makes no effort to learn how to play, ignores advice, and consequently drags the game to a halt is nothing more than an asshole.

>>48369247

Which edition of D&D makes horses a huge advatage and not a massive burden?

>>48370263
5e?

>>48369761
>you've arbitrarily decided doesn't deserve to play, got it.

Frankly, this is the most important function. The shape of any community is determined by who is and isn't let in. Filtering people at the door is one of the most important parts of maintaining one.

>>48370337

Ah. I wouldnt know, but I will take your word for it.

>>48370371
Except most tabletop games have 0 to do with any collective community.

>>48370422

That's certainly not true.

>>48370016
Don't worry, all of Europe once had the Skyrimjob mentality to archaeology.

Turns out it was the right one too, because when you give indigs in Egypt back their history they just deliberately destroy it to placate their new moon god.

>>48369294
>roleplaying games
>intellectual

and i presume actual intellectual activities like discussing actual intellectual things(e.g.philosophy) are retarded?

>>48369626
You know I'd definitely allow it if he roleplays it well enough.

>>48370647
He did an exceptional job, considering that he's been playing and DM'ing for years. I tried to stop him when he stole a uniform and waltzed into the officer's mess to loot more stuff, but fuck me if I didn't fail five different rolls in a row to see if SOMEONE noticed the mismatched uniform, the lack of rank pins, and the slouching demeanor. It was like the Emperor decreed that this man must have his fun, and that was that.

Looking back, I think that might also have been the safest Only War game ever created - everyone around my PC's died horrible deaths, but they managed to survive relatively unscathed, aside from a smidgen of corruption.

>>48370647

Those are all things some dumb ass trooper might legitimately try.

>>48369626
>Slav thief undercover as soldier
>Halt private! What is the meaning of this?
>Пpиceв , cэp !
>Say what?!
>S-shit. J-just squatting, cэp, I m-mean sir!
>Squatting? In the middle of the road?
>I never skip leg day, sir. And neither do the terrorists.
>Ah, the energy of youth. Carry on.
>Yes, cэp!
>...Now where did I leave my car keys?

>>48371096
>Private, do you know why I have called you here?
>No, sir. I do not know, sir.
>There has been reports of theft in the facilities.
>Is that so, sir. That is not good, sir.
>Yes. I think we might have a thief, posing as a soldier no less.
>...Sir?
>You said you never skip leg day, right?
>Y-Yes, sir?
>Well put those legs to work, private. Find me that thief!
>Дa cэp *COUGH* COUGH* YES SIR
>What?
>N-nothing, cэp, s-sir.
>Alright, you are dismissed private.
>*door closes*
>...That's odd, didn't I have a picture of my dear granny on my desk?

Had one guy who actually put effort into RPing, never did P&P in his life, but he was NOT very bright.
>first room he explores inna dungeon, brand new Level 3 character
>You see an ornate chest at the end of the room.
>"I cast mage hand to see if the chest is open."
>It is, inside is at least two thousand gold
>"I take the gold."
>Are you sure you wanna do that?
>"Yes."
>Yyyooou're POSITIVE?"
>"YES."
>DM had him roll Dex save
>1
>chest was obviously a mimic, bites his hand off
>we rush into the room, kill the mimic, guy sits in the corner crying
>DM allows him to commit soduku and reroll a character

>>48371198
>are you suuuuure
I am not against hand-holding players, but I am not for it either.

>>48371198
>loses hand
>Sudoku
Why? That could be an interesting character trait, he goes and replaces it with something, maybe even something to channel his magic.

>>48370390
The question mark was because I've only read the rules for them, which seem fine, and heard from other people that the mechanics are much, much better than in 3.5 and 4e.

>>48371265
Replacing your hand with an arcane focus would be pretty bitching.

>>48371228
well he cant hand hold him anymore

>>48366734
If theyre 13 and going to 4chan they are more than likely not going anywhere but /b/

>>48370473
Theyre games. Not a way of life

>>48371881

No one is making the case that it's a life or death situation.

but "it's just a le game, guise :^)" is a pretty retarded take on it too. It's a hobby I've sunk thousands of dollars into over the years. The hobby where I get a majority of my social interaction from. It's an important part of my life and if I had to drop it because the community shifted to bece hostile to me and mine I would be facing either an incredibly lonely existence or starting at square 1 with something else. Neither seems appealing.

>>48372324
Sounds like you take takes way too seriously.

>>48372324

Diversify your portfolio.

>>48372324
Ironically in my experience taking games too seriously sucks the enjoyment out in the long run. But then, that's just me, you may be different.
I do get what you mean when groups don't take stuff you worked on seriously, but you gotta roll with the punches man.

>>48372510
Nigga you gotta diversify yo bonds
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmGnl7quDbY

>>48372510

Doesn't seem nessecary yet.

>>48372661
Of course getting autistic about the rules ir whatever will fuck everything up. But we're talking about the social community here, not breaking out the micrometer every shooting phase.

>>48371675
we had a guy lose his leg to doing something equally dumb once but he got it replaced with some bitchin magic automail. Made the game more interesting for him cause it gave him some good bonuses actually but he had too upkeep its maintenance or it would start becoming a penalty.
His character is still paying off that debt though......

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>>48371096
>Пpиceв
Пpиceдaния, you mean? Or sitting squatted like gopniks (нa кopтoчкaх)?

>>48371675
>final fantasy unlimited backstory

>>48373138
Why does his face look like it's datamoshed, even though it isn't?

>>48373138
I used google translate, so I have no idea. Gopnik style probably:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIVijJWiIrQ
This shit gets me every time.

>>48369380

Only near the border. Further north, we use mo(umlaut)ose.

>>48369397
"Harsh truths" requires something to be truths.

>>48369639
>gaming never used to be "cool" or for "normalfags"
It also wasn't the pure golden field you're nostalgia-ing. Hardcore players can suck just as easily as casual players, except they suck more (because they're hardcore about it) and it's impossible to help them suck less.

>>48370263
Also 4e, thought it's circumstance-dependent.

>Teaching someone how to play MTG
>"So tapping elvish mystic means I can get a forest from my deck?"
>"Why can't I just attack your creatures directly?"
>"What do you mean my creature is destroyed? It has 9 toughness it should survive that murderous compulsion since a vampire could never kill such a big creature!"
>"Why does angelic purge work against my 3/3 angel? I thought angels never killed each other".
>"Why does clip wings work on my eldrazi guy? He doesn't even have wings".
>"Wait. You can stop my spells from working? That's Overpowered as fuck".
>"Why should I not block that 1/1 death touch with my 4/4? I don't wanna go down to 25 health points"
>"Shouldn't my fiery temper be able to destroy a forest? Fire burns down stuff".

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>when a player insists on calling a character a 'toon'

>>48364846
>Ranger's with Horses.

Isn't there a fighter Archetype that explicitly only gains bonuses while using mounted combat. . . and doesn't even get to start with a horse?

I mean, fuck, even first level druids and shit can scrape something magical together, but that seems like a hell of an oversight for an archetype.

>>48369557
>and no girls allowed
Not that guy (and I completely disagree with his dumb shit about casuals) but there's a biiiig difference between no girls allowed and no girlfriends allowed. I've played with women before, no problem there, but I'd be pretty hesitant to allow an SO at the table. It usually doesn't end well, especially if they have no interest in the game and just want to insert themselves into their SO's social activities.

>>48374250
Never met one of these guys. Hope I never have to.

>>48374355
you see some of them occasionally on /tg/

>>48374250
This is pretty old phenomen.

It has little to do with tabletop of course, but I believe it originated from the first commercially succesful mmorpgs like everquest, anarchy online and ultima online. So it's definitely an RPG term, but it doesn't have any meme to those who play it, just means char basically. I still play anarchy online from time to time (15 years old now, and more complex character creation than most tabletops that exist even today ) and people prefer to use toon, though i still see char.

Anyway, are you referring to some WoW thing or something? I never played it, so don't know what meme meaning it has there.

>>48374444
I will say one thing though, the language in mmorpgs is fucking cancer. The combination of vernacular rape and "no-swearing" policy is utterly retarded.

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>>48374355
Once I noticed he want paying attention during combat and kept missing the start of his turn. I eventually notice he keeps fiddling with his computer (we all had laptops for character sheets and stuff). I get up to see what he was doing and he was fucking playing WoW at the table. Just running circles in some mining route.

We don't play with him anymore.

>>48374444
He was a WoWfag and as far as I know it does mean character.

I'm not even sure why it infuriates me so much, but it does. It really does.

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>>48366711
>playing with children
>they behave like children
What did you expect

>>48374474
incidentally this is what I prefer about tabletop rpgs and just anything but mmorpgs. The MMOs give me an overwhelming feel of policing.
>>48374529
Well, if he was an infuriating dude, you probably got caught up in some of his behavioural patterns, like vocabulary. This is pretty common.

>>48374112
That clip wings one is right desu

>>48369548
I don't think there is any readily-available way to acquire bones legitimately. Grave robbing? Murder and extract? Accidentally find in the woods and not report to authorities? Receive granddad's skeleton in his will? The first two are crimes, the last is beyond your control and sounds like a shit excuse, the third is illegal some places and sounds like bull everywhere. I swear officer I don't know who these bones belong to, my friend found them?

>>48374704
It's those bandits' we killed earlier. The ones you paid us to kill, remember? And an extra for bringing the leader in alive so you could hang him publicly. Yeah, those arseholes.

>>48374292
Well, it's in UA, which means it still needs proper playtesting. But considering you don't get the archetype until 3rd level and a horse costs, what, 50gp?

>>48374704
Depends on the setting much?

Hell you can do whatever the fuck you want in space, just don't expect earth to be happy about it.

>>48374318
I have a dilemma right now actually. I've always ran my games with a "5 player limit", staying true to it is basically how I'm able to deflect friends inviting friends, because believe it or not that happens in my group. It's also just plain better to have smaller groups IMO so you have a better chance to keep everyone entertained and tailor the campaign to their characters.

>Regular player of the group wants his girlfriend in
>Says she has been asking him for a long time
>Entire group turns around to agree this is a great idea. Including my co-GM (We do every other session right now)
>I get the sense I'm an asshole for being the one stubborn guy who says 'No'
The girlfriend has never touched a roleplaying game before, and I personally have friends I'd rather have at the table. Then again our regular is missing out on sessions (Has always been the same time every week ..) due to spending time with his girlfriend occasionally now.

>>48375238
Give the bloke some time off, run a short introductory campaign with everyone else and the girlfriend?

>>48366711
>playing with kids
That could be really fun, especially if they're a bit younger than that.
I'd definitely DM a silly adventure for some young kids, because they have such a bizarre way of viewing things that would lead to fun.

>>48372324
>Thousands of dollars
Have you been playing for 50 years or something?

>Be me
>selfish CN rogue
>split the party in the woods, two go one way towards a cabin, I go other other towards town
Our DM just lets everyone sit at the table, even if they're not in the scene, so I know what happened
>the two idiots (#1 and #2) burn down the cabin when the man inside won't give them free stuff
>they didn't remove the man first, so the whole thing ended up overcooked
>town guards come, arrest them
>I'm still on the other path
>hear horses
>Hide in trees
>head guard says he knows I'm there, threatens to burn trees down to get me
>come down
>he tries to arrest me for burning down cabin
What fire?
>he has my accomplices
I don't know anything about a fire
>ah, but know there was a fire
Yeah, you mentioned it first
>DM didn't have a response
>Well, you need to come with me anyways, for your own safety

I get he was trying to be clever, but is it that hard to keep track of who was where when there were only two groups?

>>48364846
Ah, that was made in response to my post, how nice to see it. Anyways, on topic:

>Green as fresh peas player wants to play after having read cool stories off from reddit and 4chan caps
>Actually has a well made character who is not a meme, not a walking cliche or "human fighter, adventurer when parents died, looking for adventure and money"
>Bless his green little heart, but he kept asking on every roll above 10 if he crit in hopes of getting and doing pointlessly complex maneuvers during combat, such as climbing up every tree to jump down on the enemies, trying to push a line of goblins into a lake (knee deep pond, neck deep for the gobs) and trying to grapple every single giant creature to climb their backs

He eventually learns that those things come naturally if they do instead of being actively attempted, but it was fun to see him try his tricks while the rest of the party did their best to either deal with the situations without him or enable these attempts.

>>48375238
Put the "fault" on yourself, not on her. Emphasize the "I just can't handle any more than five players" bit.

Alternatively, depending on how many friends-of-friends you have waiting in the wings, it may be time to split the group.

But neither of these are a perfect solution. You're right, it's quite a dilemma.

>>48364846
Not so much funny but this literally just happened to me and I'm looking for validation like the little faggot I am
>Be on roll20
>Find group for a one time session
>Cool.exe
>Join, everythings cool, come to tonight
>Join the game 2 hours early to make my character and talk to the DM
>It's a girl
>The other player who was online was clearly a betamax, he kept asking if she had any friends he could give his phone number to, she kept laughing
>Anyway, character is made, drow bard
I forgot to mention, this adventure was a homebrew
>Starts off in a dream sequence, followed to us being trapped in a room
>A note is on the floor, which is encrypted with a simple code (a->b, b-c, etc)
>Instead of our characters stats or anything, one guy is just told to revert the stats whilst we all go around and open the chests around the area
>I get a ring of unlimited ammunition, which is useless but okay
>Betamax found a potion which made him paranoid for 10 hours, so he instantly started avoiding everyone.
>I try to initiate a conversation but the DM starts shifting us off to the next room without any trigger
>We're in an inn
>The people are ignoring us
>I try and talk to our ranger seeing as how we have some spare time
>Our DM says that the innkeeper is kicking us out
>Welp.avi
>We leave
>Paranoid guy casts invisibility, runs into the forest
>Well oka-
>The guard house blows up
>Literally straight after that shit with the beta happened
>We have to spend the next 40 minutes rescuing one guy from the fire
>after that we are invited back into the inn by the keeper
>'I haven't been telling the truth'
>Why did he have a change of heart? Who knows, the DM never said
>'Come downstairs'
>We did
>Our DM proudly announces, 'next to the innkeeper is a 6 year old human-kitsune hybrid!!'
>Procedes to talk in a cutesy, anime-style 6 year old voice about how she wants to play
>Dread starts to build in me
I'm going to continue whether you like it or not I'm pissed,

>>48375767
Was it as surreal as you're describing, or are you just omitting things?

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>>48375767
>I try to initiate a conversation but the DM starts shifting us off to the next room without any trigger

I started to have a bad feeling abput this from this line.

>Procedes to talk in a cutesy, anime-style 6 year old voice about how she wants to play

Why am I not surprised that something like this happened?

>>48375767
>The paranoid beta has apparently got over his paranoia, as he's now casting minor illusion to give himself fox-ears as a way to entertain the child
>The innkeeper tells us of how we must protect her at all costs as her fur is very valuable
>I start talking about how we need to hide her from the people in the inn upstairs, and how I'd cast calm emotions to make them unresponsive to us
>No need, says the DM, they're all friendly
>Why are we downstairs? Another question never answered
In fact we leave the town without any trouble at all, leaving behind the burning guard house
Until:
>Two dragonkin fighters ambush us
>Swings a greatsword at us
>Deals very little damage
>Except now one is a sorcerer, and casts mass suggestion to us
>I fail my save
>'give us the girl'
>I start trying to cast calm emotion on my party, only one fails the save
>The dragons stay around for one more round of combat and then run away for no reason
>DM: 'the spell will last for another hour'
>The spell doesn't work that way but okay
>'Hehe, you guys are silly!' I hear a shrill giggle, and despair overtakes me again
>The kitsune comes out of hiding from wherever she was
>Goes into the cleric's backpack, where there are magic seeds from earlier
>One falls out
>We're suddenly ensared in magical plants
>Our sorcerer, the beta, casts fire bolt on himself
>Our DM lets him free without any kind of check
>'Yeah, I want to cast dispel magic on these MAGICAL plants'
>She says no since it's not a spell
>Okay, I might be reading the rules wrong, I'm not gonna start a fight
>'So you're here the next 20 hours, with the exception of the kitsune, who got free because she's a badass' says the DM.
>'Well the Sorcerer can just set us free' says the cleric
>'I don't trust you enough yet'
>some time later
>'Okay you guys are free now' comes the DM
This is the part where I started to feel dread

>>48375900
It felt that way for me, and at the beginning I actually liked them all, I'd had a nice conversation with them beforehand. All I left out was the details of the dream sequence (a 'pink woman' telling us that we were needed greatly, before we woke up), and the contents of the rest of the chests.
We never got time to process anything that was happening, so much so that up till the point I'm about to mention we never actually introduced each other.

>>48375939
>This is the part where I started to feel dread
Sorry, can't believe you.
My bullshit-o-meter would have already blow up by then.

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>>48375767
>6 year old human-kitsune hybrid
>>48375939
>Two dragonkin fighters
>Except now one is a sorcerer

>'I don't trust you enough yet'
>'Okay you guys are free now'

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>>48364846
My Only War players wanted to name their regiment, the "420th Blazers", one of them wanted his character to be Sonic.

>>48376074
Give it to them.
And have them be attacked by loyalists.

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>>48376074

>>48375767
>drow bard
Anyone who'd even consider playing a Drow should be executed on the spot.

>>48376108
This is the funny roleplay-fail thread.
Go make yourself a drow-hate thread if you want one.

>>48375990
This is my second proper game of DnD, I was having fun with the people beforehand. I can show you proof if you'd like.
Anyway:
>Okay so it's about 8PM, and so the kitsune is asleep.
>The cleric and sorcerer start debating on whether we should rest or carry the girl into the forest (which leads to... somewhere) with us.
>At this point I really don't care about the kid so I don't even involve myself in the conversation, as well as the fact it doesn't matter.
>We eventually hed off into the forest, carrying the kitsune, who is now fully fox
>We arrive, three hours later, at SEVEN IN THE MORNING (read that first line again)
>'Okay so now the kitsune awakes and runs off, away from where you can see'
>One of the other guys askes if he could use his passive perception to see if he could chase after her
>No, you're going to have to search the city
>At this point I want to do something that doesn't involve talking to that fucking kid, who I'm pretty sure is some sort of self-insert kinda shit
>But the beta is determined to find her
>'I'm going to look where I'd least want her, where the beggars are'
>I was going there anyway, since beggars always have quests (free them from their corrupt overlord, save their family from orcs, etc) or at least bantz
>Beta: 'Oh okay since you're looking for her there, I'm going to the port'
>I go to the beggars with my archer bro (I have no idea why he bonded to me, but he did)
okay, this next part I promise you goes down exactly as I say it does
>She says 'There are beggars, and two of them are running a stall with obviously stolen goods
>Me: 'Obviously?'
>'Obviously'
>Okay, this is a good way to do some good and deal justice to some wrongdoers at the same time
>I ask them what they think they're doing with stolen goods
>He says he has no idea what I'm talking about
>I ask to cast friends
>'That bard magic won't work on me or my brother, we're deaf'
>But it's not got any verbal parts
>Well they're in such an angry mood they resist

>>48376156
Did you even question at one point or another why you should even give a shit about that kid? Just because an innkeeper said so?

>>48376156
>>48375939
>>48375767
>wanted to go to sleep
>have to stick around for this instead
dammit anon i have minis to paint tomorrow

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>>48376223
I can relate

>>48376223
I have to go be a wageslave tomorrow. Life is suffering.

>>48376156
At that point you should probably buy a burlap sack for the child. They're not expensive.

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>>48376156
FASTER

>>48376156
>I tell her she can't do that
>*sigh* 'okay, now what?'
>I have proficiency in intimidation (it makes sense, considering drow aren't likely to make friends, so persuasion's not likely), and since I'm chaotic good, I begin to threaten, giving some flavour to it: 'I draw my sword, telling him to return the goods or else
>My DM tells me how there are now a crowd of beggars all aiming their swords at me, telling me to back down
>Me:what?
>DM:You were aiming a sword at one of their friends
>Me:They have stolen goods!!
>DM:Beggars stick together, you should just leave
> I was so tired of the railroading at this point that I acted out of character just to try and take any control
>'Fine, I stab him'
>Chaos ensues
>Luckily my ranger had saved all his spells, takes out a lot of peasants on the first round
>DM asks what alignment my ranger is
>Neutral good, but he saw his friend getting attacked and decided to help out so it's not out of character-
>Roll 1d1000
>He rolls
>You now have to attack the nearest non-friendly every turn
>I cast calm emotions, again, because I don't want to go through 1 more round of this game, never mind this combat
>The DM doesn't do any rolls, just assumes they all fail
>Okay, so now we lea-
>'Oh his deaf brother was out of range in another stall, and is now aiming a pistol at your head'
>What.
>'I cast darkness on him, and charge him' I say
>the ranger meanwhile deactivates the calm emotions, by being forced to attack the beggars.
>Next round I stab him
Meanwhile, old betamax has been looking around the port, and finds an old, suspicious looking man
>Asks if he's seen any kids
>Yeah, what like?
>A blonde kid
>I've seen 4 blonde kids today
>Where?
>On a boat
The DM now tells the sorcerer that the old guy is a sex trafficker
>He pulls out a dagger in the middle of a dock and threatens to stab him
>No reaction from anyone, old guy or crowd
>So he stabs the old guy in the dick
>He's lawful good
>Hops on the boat, ends his turn.

>>48376156
So her beggars are also thieves and traders. Also deaf, but have super lip reading or something so it's no biggie. And somehow immune to enchantment.

Yeah, at this point I wouldn't try escalating. They're probably shapeshifting angel agents deep undercover.

>>48376384
That's it pretty much, all I have are little interactions between the beta sorcerer and the girl, and little bits where the DM just left all notions of not Metagaming behind.

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>>48376416
That's some bullshit behaviour by the DM

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I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN

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>>48376384
this just keeps getting worse

>>48376416
how did it end ? did you at least call the dm out for all this bullshit ?

>>48376485
This ends up in murder or child molestation. Possibly both. Possibly in this order.

>>48376485
What the fuck were you thinking?

>>48376485
Go for the hawk!
Hwaks are awesome!

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>>48376485
anon how could you not see this happening ?

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>>48376485

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>>48376485

>>48376518
She seems like the sort who will attempt to ruin your life if you even go so far as criticise her, and my girlfriend was asking me to Skype with her, so I just left. Fucking Canadians
>>48376555
>>48376525
Maybe I'm just optimistic. I just wanted to have some fun exploring dungeons and fighting bad guys.
Here's a fun question, how long do you think it took, from the dream sequence to me quitting? In terms of actual time, how long do you think it took for the GM to take us through a total of one half assed combat scenario and three semi-roleplaying segments, with a whole lot of storytelling throughout?

>>48376638
5 hours.

>>48376638
yeah id say in the range of 5-6 hours

>>48376638
Either 4 or 7

>>48376638
no man could go trough that for longer an hour and a half

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>>48376638
>>48376659
>>48376668
I REALLY SHOULD HAVE KNOWN

>>48376638
Well you sound like it's gonna be ridiculous so an hour and 47 minutes and 41 seconds

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>>48376694

>>48376702
>>48376691
>>48376688
>>48376668
>>48376659
We started at 7:15 BST.
We finished roughly an hour ago.
I'll let you do the maths.

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>>48376694

>>48376724
AM or PM?
If it's the second case...
How the flying fuck did it last more than 12 hours?

>>48371198
How the hell is someone who's got no experience with RPGs supposed to know mimics are a thing?
He doesn't sound stupid, just oblivious to the fgenre trappings

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>>48376751
Alright I'll do the maths
7:15 BST was roughly 5 and a half hours ago, so the whole campaign took 4 hours 30 minutes,
This was before I joined, there was no way I could know.

>New group, first time DM, two first time players
>Party is bear-bard, psion elf, orc ranger, some other thing
>First session psion touches a thing, entire party killed
>DM says its legit, first level the thing did x10 our HP per hit
>We're all pissed, he won't budge
>Next session, basically the same characters with new names
>In a brothel, noises coming from basement
>We go down, its in the basement where the owner's office is
>In the office there is a giant gelatinous cube of cum
>Kill cum cube, paralyzed our elf, bear saves us
>Owner comes out crying over the loss of his cum cube, learn it was all his from jars
>Game ends with him eating the juices off the floor
>We all decide to never play with DM again

>>48376751
>>48376812
Fuck, I meant ''if it's the first case''
Today I'm outta my mind

>>48376813
Hello F-List, how are you doing?

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>>48376812
Pleases stop, I'm close to hitting critical cringe levels.

>>48376813
I rate that
Magical Realm / 10

>>48376812
>says 'I'm terrible'
>twice
WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN

>>48376894

Shitty cocaine is still cocaine.

>>48376813
>things killing you dead
>reanimated cum
Were you playing in the world of Oglaf?

>>48368889
Roll high for starting money. Or see if the dm well let you have more good for knocking down a main ability score. Or have only a horse and barely anything else.

Prices and shit are listed. If you really want something at the beginning, sacrifice for it.

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>>48376855
I think I'm done.
OH WAIT

>>48376910
shitty cocaine is probably actually just ground up drywall

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>>48376930

>>48376930
Here's a copy of the code the DM gave us if anyone wants to work for their cringe. I forgot what it said so you'd have to do it yourself:

Adventurers,
I thank you for following your dreams and coming here. I must keep things
brief as danger lurks around every corner. I am sorry that we had to bring
you to Hawkeley like this but it was the only way we could be sure that no one
followed you here. This room is able to repel all magic, so do not try to escape.
You will not find any exits to this room, we have done an excellent job at hiding
them. Please take a moment to collect yourselves, as today you begin a terrible
adventure. Zpv tff, xf offe zpvs ifmq. B zpvoh Ljutvof Lju ibt hpuufo ifstfmg
mptu. Xf offe zpv up sfuvso ifs up ifs ipnf. Ju jt b tfwfo ebz kpvsofz gspn
ifsf, uipvhi uif xbz jt qbwfe xjui ebohfst.
Thank you adventurers,
Uif Qjol Mbez

>>48376982
Zpv tff, xf offe zpvs ifmq. B zpvoh Ljutvof Lju ibt hpuufo ifstfmg
mptu. Xf offe zpv up sfuvso ifs up ifs ipnf. Ju jt b tfwfo ebz kpvsofz gspn
ifsf, uipvhi uif xbz jt qbwfe xjui ebohfst.
Thank you adventurers,
Uif Qjol Mbez

Ugh, I shouldn't have dropped my DEmonic Language Classes

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>>48376930
I was going to sleep tonight you fuck, now I have to spend the whole night justifying human existence to myself.

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>>48376156
>'That bard magic won't work on me or my brother, we're deaf'
but
b-but

>>48377008
>justifying human existence

Humanity was The Mistake, anon

>>48376982
the fuck is up with the gibberish

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>>48376930
As much as i just want to say "don't play with them and let them have their own fun" but what in the holy cock of Jesus Christ!?

>>48377048
It's the cipher he mentioned earlier. Just change each letter to the one before it in the English alphabet.

>>48377002
>>48377048
If you want to hear the amazing '''''clue'''''' my DM gave immediately after giving us the ''''puzzle'''', here goes:
'B is A'
She justified it as some of our party members had that feat that gives you three languages.
If you still don't get it, look at my first post here, I tell you how to solve it.

>>48377090
Twf you don't remember well the alphabet letter succession

>>48369790
You realize some people don't do well learning by themself with a guide? You realize that on-line distance education classes aren't for everyone?

I'm one of them. Learning under an interactive, living source and actually doing the thing are how I pick stuff up fastest.

So fuck you and everyone else who thinks guides fix everything and give you exactly what you need to know. People learn differently. Have some patience and help someone like, yanno, a good fucking person.

>>48377053
Part of me was curious where the story was going, as much as that makes me suicidal, and part of me just enjoyed being mad.

>>48376638
What the fuck could a useless piece of shit like that ever do to affect you even the slightest?

>>48376916
No, that would actually be fun.

>>48377002
I have deciphered it!


Tehre is noh time to beh lohst!

Batul Brothas!

Spehss Mahrens, todeh the enemeh is at oua doar! We know oua duteh and we will do eet. We fight for our honor as Blod Rehvens,
as SPESS MAHRENS, and we fight in the nehme of the Empra!

And if we die this deh we die in gloareh, we die heroes' deffs, but we shall not die, no! It is the enemeh who will tehste
deff and defeat!

As you know! Moast of oua battle brothars are shtehtioned in SPEHSS, Pruhpeared to deep strike! Oua perimeter has been
pruhpeared in the even dat oua enehmies should be so bald and so foolish. We have plehced numerous beacons, allowing for
muhltiple, simuln-tehneous and devashtehting defensive deep strikes

The Codecks astartees nehmes this maneuvah Steel Rehn. We will descend upon the foe, we will ovawhelm them - we will leave none
alive! Meanwhile oua ground fawses will ensue the full defense of oua headkwaters

We are the spehss mahrens! WE ARE THE EMPRA'S FUREH!

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>>48376813
>mfw

>>48377151
Weirdly the orc was the face. Me and him were the only two even trying to roleplay, the other two just sat there.

>>48376930
I actually DM'd a 4E Roll20 game where a player played a little girl as a pure healing Cleric. She ended up killing herself to save a demon portal from opening in the end. It was as messed up as it sounds.

>>48377130
Ruin the friendship forming between me and the rest of the party, who were actually quite bro-tier
>Cali guy who was the ranger who stuck by me throughout
>Norwegian guy playing a tiefling cleric, who started complaining that the DM was taking minutes on the combat sequences
>Danish girl who was legitimately funny, but never spoke when it wasn't necessary. Seems like the most bro-tier out of them all.

>>48377157
Soulstorm gave me more entertainment than any amount of "kitsune kits" (what the actual fuck) ever will.

>>48377002
>>48377113
You see, we need your help. A young Kitsune Kit has gotten herself lost. We need you to return her to her home. It is a seven day journey from here, though the way paved with danger.

Thank you adventurers,
The Pink Lady

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>>48377157

>>48377240
Why on earth do you not just take the initiative, ask these other people if the GM wasn't a giant fucking retard (which they will no doubt agree with, if they truly are bro-tier), and then not care what the GM says because it cannot affect your prepwork?

Are you completely incapable of social maneuvering buddy? Suffer not the witch to go unbitched at.

>>48377240
Beat her to it. Make a new game and take them with you.

>>48377245
Although, now that I've translated it, I don't really see why it needed to be encrypted in the first place. There are no names or locations or sensitive information contained. What a shitty DM.

>>48369192
Was papa Frank filthy?

>>48377257
Maybe I will. I don't know, I'm happy as I am right now and as much of an awful DM as she is, if they're having fun I don't want to take that away from them, nor do I want to cause unnecessary drama. I have a weekly group going anyway, just wanted something to do whilst I was away from my gf.

>>48377283
I wanted to write a smart answer.
I can't find one.
How the hell did you find a DM like that?

>>48364846
Taught my nephew and niece how to play pen and paper games the other day while watching them. Gave them the book, explained the rules for a basic game, and had them role the dice and come up with strategies for several encounters so they could get use to it.

They asked me to do a dungeon for them some time and read more of the big books I have. Already hate the d20 too.

>>48377329
There are no names, no descriptions of events, no times, dates or places, the only thing there is "Hey, we lost this kid, we need you to find it."

I think it's a meta-troll, where sensible players would immediately object to including a Kitsune Kit as their quest objective. But the DM encrypted it and figured everyone would be too lazy to translate and thus have the Kitsune sprung on them.

>Fuck no I don't want to babysit a Kitsune, wtf.
>I TOLD you what she was, you just didn't listen, baka.

> Thread starts off shit
> Ends up in glorious catastrophe
Glad I kept reading

>>48368726
Oh fuck off. You were new once too. There's no one on earth who was born knowing everything about these games. Don't be an asshat.

>>48376766
Depending on what his character was, wouldn't that be metagaming if he knew it was a mimic?

>>48377252

>>censored angry marine.

Heh.

>>48368726
This is why you have no one to play with, because you can't give the time of day to someone who doesn't have a rule book in their pocket for every rp game

>>48375428
A thousand dollars is ~12 rulebooks where I'm from. And that's before paying for dice, miniatures of any variety or wargaming.

>>48379246
Which is weird since the "fuck" on his purity seal isn't censored.

>>48372324
you should try getting out more

or adopting other hobbies

or getting a pet

or something that isn't tabletop

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>>48371706
underrated post.

>>48364846
>DMing a new campaign/system of my design for a couple long-time D&D/C&C players and several first-time roleplayers
>One of the first timers chooses to be a half-bandicoot half-man named Kelsey Grammer of Frasier ("Because he's a Beast")
>Uses a lute as a bludgeoning weapon
>Campaign begins and the party is beset by monsters outside of a castle town
>Kelsey takes damage but the party clears the encounter
>Beasts in my setting have the ability to consume fallen foes to regain HP, so he does it
>Enters the castle town
>Guards notice his blood-soaked face and encircle him
>Kelsey asks if he can play his lute and win them over with the power of rock
>I say yes, but tell him that it's going to take a miracle
>Rolls a critical success
>The guards even drop gold at his feet

>>48364846
I remember one of my players making constant references to FF6 in the early days of the campaign. He was just a kid back then, but still one of my best RPers.

>>48374112
>Teaching someone how to play MTG
>"So tapping elvish mystic means I can get a forest from my deck?"


Literally the first mistake I made playing MTG was this.

Got a chuckle seeing others jump to that conclusion too

>>48364846
It's rather odd, I ran a party where only one player was a TTRPG veteran and they didn't have a whole lot of terrible moments. They murdered everything they could in cold blood, but they thought out their murders well enough. Every crime was in a different country, they used a mix of hijacked vehicles and public transit, they paid off officials and drivers when they needed to, committed insurance fraud with a Russian dude so that neither party could rat out the other without fear of punishment, killed people in back alleys and enclosed areas rather than in the open like idiots, disposed of the corpses. They were nasty murderhobos, but they were relatively smart murderhobos.

>>48371198
Wait Wait Wait....wait...he used a spell to open the chest and the mimic didn't activate? How is that possible?