>the ancient evil and the hero have very strong opinions about

Rolled 9 (1d20)

I roll for if it's a good season for crops.

>>47878824
Yields are slightly below average, but you still have enough to satisfy the local lord and to feed your family. You will likely survive the winter.

>>47878858
Can't even eat without crops.

Rolled 10 (1d20)

Rolling to see how many children I lost to the plague

>>47879134
About half your brood, leaving you with only 17 little uns to continue harvest. Better get to recuperating your loses!

>>47879134
>DC10

You lose no children, but one child became very sick and will be disfigured for life.

Rolled 17 (1d20)

Roll to see how any minor injuries I sustain over the year.

Rolled 20 (1d20)

>>47878800
Rolling to see how many neighbours' wives I've plowed, and how hard.

>>47878800
I know that feel

Thinking about putting points into my charisma to inspire the local villagers but I know it would be useless so I'll probably just stick with more strength and keep punching things

>>47879186

Good roll!

Your hands are calloused and you bruised your leg in October, but other than that you're fine.

>>47879214

And so is Henderson's wife! And Smith's! And Archibald Black's wife! All of them so very fine!

>>47879214
Critical success! You've turned your humble hamlet into an incestuous cesspool for generations to come.

>>47879236

>not saying you "sowed your wild oats in their fields"

Rolled 15 (1d20)

>>47879243
Rolling to turn my hamlet into a wretched hive of scum and villainy.

>>47879264

Success! Your hamlet is an inbred hive of fornication and crime!

A hero has come to right wrongs and purge evil from the land! That's basically your entire family! Roll to defeat the Hero!

File: you, right now.png (345KB, 817x1250px) Image search: [Google]

345KB, 817x1250px

>>47879264

File: peasant.jpg (10KB, 221x326px) Image search: [Google]

10KB, 221x326px

>>47878800
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iectr_CfTkc

Rolled 13 (1d20)

>>47879294
Rolling to convince him that crops are more important than his life, so he'd better get to work.

File: wheeze.png (181KB, 356x328px) Image search: [Google]

181KB, 356x328px

>>47879214
>Rolling to see how many neighbours' wives I've plowed, and how hard.
>Nat20

Now roll to see if the neighbors find out.

>>47879330

>moderate success

He agrees for a while and starts plowing the field. The next day, he realizes he's been had and leaves in a huff! Incest Village saved!

>>47879220
You have to play a warrior for the people! I played in an L5R game once and made a Unicorn samurai who was half Rokugani and half Burning Sandian. While most samurai were off at court squabbling about politics or poetry, my dude was patrolling the roads making sure they were free of bandits. Prior to a siege the Crane and Lion samurai were conferring about tactics while my Unicorn was teaching the peasants how to use their farming tools as rudimentary polearms. Turns out that during the battle our enemy tried to sneak in through the back with a small force and disrupt our command. They were promptly beaten by peasants.

Rolled 10 (1d20)

>>47879345
Rolling to figure out why my kids don't look like me

>>47879330
That, with your +5 charisma bonus as a suave as fuck farmer, convince the hero to lay down his crop and start to planting.

The rest of the party come to find him planting seeds instead of dispatching your villainous clan, how do you proceed?

Rolled 17 (1d20)

>>47879350
Rolling to build more granaries for our village and to upgrade our town center to Classical Age.

File: 1377958888001.png (8KB, 164x268px) Image search: [Google]

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>this druid™ is able to grow plants in a second
>he's still piss poor and living in a mud hut
>the famine is plaguing the kingdom

BEST CROP TO FARM
BEST LIVESTOCK TO RAISE

GO

Barley and Chicken

>>47879379

You have uneasy thoughts about them but you can't put your finger on it. You look at the handsome neighbor plowing the field and furrow your brow in thought. If only you were smart, you might figure out this conundrum.

>>47879379
Sort of Success. You discern that it must be because of someone else, but fail to realise it was your neighbour. Instead, you blame the local wizard or witch.

>>47879403
Beans, goats.

>>47879403
Potatoes, cows.

>>47879379
You didn't look like your father, either. Looks like it just happens.

>>47879403
Wheat and Pigs

No fancy new world stock please

>>47879393

Success! You have advanced to Classical Age!

>>47878800
The evil is a proponent of democratic governance by the plebes, and the hero is possessed by the spirit of a neoreactionary from the future; who wins?

>>47879448
Probably a curse on the family

>>47879450
This! Wheat and Pigs.

Rolled 7 (1d20)

>>47879454
Rolling to switch the village official religion from Zeus to Hades.

>>47879471
"Get off me you creep"

>>47879471
You fail to convince much of anyone, but at least you've managed not to be called a heretic.

>>47879471
You did the switch, but villagers gave no fucks and still worship Zeus.

>>47879448

In fact, the neighbor's father looks more like you than your father does. Yeah, that definitely happens. You contentedly return to plowing


>>47879471

Failure. The other villagers begin to avoid you since they seem convinced you're about to be struck by lightning.

Roll to avoid being struck by lightning.

>>47879471
Failed, Zeus's smitin' lightnin' sets your crops afire as you blaspheme his temples. Probably should have picked a lesser god to piss off eh?

Roll to save yourself from the sacrificial pyre.

Rolled 18 (1d20)

Wife is pregnant again but I can't remember plowing her in a while, claims Zeus raped her as a gust of wind or something

Insight check

rolling to learn better crop raising techniques.

Rolled 4, 15 = 19 (2d20)

>>47879501>
Rolling to give no fucks about Zeus and avoid his wrath.
Also rolling to see if the granary is full this year.

Roll to kill a questing adventurer, steal his sword and horse, and become roving brigand.

IT'S ALMOST HARVESTING SEASON

Rolled 17 (1d20)

>>47879530
shit, dice in wrong field.

Just like my crops. Re-do.

>>47879539
Rolling to steal some chickens from the next town over and than to farm

Rolled 20 (1d20)

>>47879538

Rolled 4, 19 = 23 (2d20)

>>47879561
woops must have fucked up my roll

>>47879525
Zeus doesn't change into wind and similar stuff, he simply descents in his normal form.
Your wife is clearly lying.

Roll to find out the true reason.

>>47879525

The child is hailed as a demigod! He will surely lead a successful life in the great city!

Roll to determine his

>>47879533
Zeus has fucked you up, and fucked you good. On the bright side, the granary is full and your family will survive the winter. The same cannot be said for your charred corpse, however.

>>47879564
You are now a rooming brigand and you find>>47879579 with some chickens, you now have some chickens

>>47879564

Brigandry it is! You become the most feared brigand in the land, your name a scourge on the lips of the villagers!

Rolled 4 (1d20)

Roll to see how badly the local lord punishes me for a less than satisfying harvest.

>>47879606
winner winner chicken dinner

>>47879626
He spanks you butt naked, but you start to think it's only because he's into it.

>>47879626
Congratulations, you're going to the stocks.

>>47879579

You are caught and beaten viciously for chicken theft, but despite the bruises you manage to have a productive season farming.

>>47879626
More beatings! You will walk with a limp for the rest of your life, and your face will be slightly disfigured!

>>47879617
That's one stylish peasant.

Rolled 18 (1d20)

Rolling to convince my Liege to send help for the goblins poaching my sheep

Rolled 5 (1d20)

Divine revelation has informed me I must sleep with all the village virgins to prevent a great disaster

Roll to convince

>>47879659
You rolled well enough to somehow get an audience with you Liege.
He dismisses you and returns to his courtly affairs.

Rolled 13 (1d20)

Inspect baguettes for weevils.

is this what d&d is like?

>>47879659
You get plenty of help, and as a bonus, they found some of your sheep still alive in the Goblins' cave.

>>47879685
This is a very bad liege. It's their role to take care of their people.

>>47879687

No weevils here.

>>47879697
No.

>>47879678

The men beat you unconscious!

>>47879659
A Hero comes to defeat the goblins!

>>47879687
You find no weevils.

Rolled 14 (1d20)

Roll to attempt a rebellion and overthrow the local lord.

Rolled 13 (1d20)

>>47879685
Rolling for my oldest son to stay and help with the harvest instead of going off to the city.

>>47879697
The d20 would be the same but the skill checks would be more codified and also you'd have bonuses and not just flat d20 rolls.
Also you would be deliberate named characters in a group to accomplish a quest.

>>47879655

Indeed! Quite stylish! So stylish that he is in violation of sumptuary laws prescribing simple dress for peasants! He will have his sinful clothing confiscated and he will spend a night in the gaol, or pay 15 silver coins for the infraction.

>>47879738
You crush his dreams of being a painter and send him to the fields. What is that look in his eyes?

Rolled 17 (1d20)

rolling to see how many of my pigs I sell at the market.

>>47879762
It would depend on what fabric his clothes are made of, style was never legislated, only material and cost.

>>47879762
Fucking noblmen

>>47878800
Isn't that the plot of Maoyuu Maou Yuusha?

dice+d20
Rolling for a good nights sleep to give me strength to work the land tomorrow

>>47879819
enjoy the nightmares

Roll to request a public donation to the chapel to feed and clothe me.

>>47879787

You sell all the pigs at market at a very nice price! You have enough money to pay to have your plow fixed! Huzzah!

File: TheMonk-1[1].jpg (153KB, 595x799px) Image search: [Google]

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Rolled 4 (1d20)

>>47879845

Rolled 3 (1d20)

>>47879859
Wahay! We're not starving this year! Or are we? Rolling for crop yield.

Rolled 11 (1d20)

>>47879866
>>47879845
I throw you some bread and roll to woo Old Morrisons' daughter with my generosity

>>47879878

A blight has claimed your crops! Woe betide!

>>47879866

The chaplain says "the Gods help those who help themselves, child. Kindly fuck off."

>>47879918

But you do get some bread from your neighbors! He still bangs your niece, though.

>>47879950
reeeee fucking wagecucks
beatitude uprising when?!?

Rolled 16 + 1 (1d20 + 1)

>>47879950
Rolling to convince Old Morrison that I truly love her and isn't there just for her bust

Also to openly mock the friar without backlash

>>47879745
Also there would be very much more random murdering.

I roll to talk to the qt shepherd girl.

>>47880000

Success! He gives you his blessing to wed his daughter!

At the betrothal dinner, you talk smack about the foul-mouthed friar. Old Morrison laughs heartily!

>>47880058
Fugg

>>47879403

Corn, Cows.

Rolled 20 (1d20)

>>47880058

Rolled 18 (1d20)

>>47880067
>Success! He gives you his blessing to wed his daughter!
I roll to impregnate her on the first night!

>>47880107

The shepherd girl is quite smitten with you! You give her a good roll in the hay!

Now roll to see if she's pregnant (high roll means pregnancy.)

>>47880149

You sow your wild oats in her lush fields! The child grows quickly and strongly, and is quite adept at field work! Your bloodline continues strongly as ever!

Now roll to see if it's a boy or a girl! (high roll for a son)

Rolled 17 (1d20)

Roll to check if my child has been replaced by a changeling.

File: tumblr_inline_o5btr3oTST1rwzep2_500.gif (829KB, 225x127px) Image search: [Google]

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>>47880000
FUCKIN QUADS.

>>47880206

You do not believe your child is a changeling.

Rolled 8 (1d20)

>>47880187
I roll for the manliest son ever to have been had

Rolled 13 (1d20)

>>47880215
Brand his arm with a cold iron ward just in case.

>>47879236
Archibald Black's wife is such a babe.

>>47880223
Congratulations, it's a boy.
Who, for some reason, likes to dress in skirts and get rolled in the hay by the bigger boys of the hamlet.

Rolled 17 (1d20)

>>47880223
Better luck next time!
Rolling for how pretty the girl is

>>47879403
Adventurers.

>>47880223

You get a girl, but she is sort of tomboyish.

>>47880244

>brand
>cold
what?

>>47880272
Tomboyish... but pretty! If she were modern-day japanese she'd have a whole manga series devoted to her!

Rolled 7 (1d20)

>>47880268
Rolling to sendo him to the local Abbot. Hopefully he beats the devil out of the child.

Rolled 13 (1d20)

>>47880305
The boy comes back unchanged, and seemed to gaze at the Abbot in a way you did not like at all when they bade farewell.

Rolling to introduce Henrys' daughter to him.

>>47880305

The Abbot looks at the boy and asks to speak with him privately.

The next day, he smiles self-satisfiedly and assures you that nothing is wrong with this child.

>>47880341
You leave the child alone with Henry's daughter, and the two seem to hit it off. Your son comes home with bruises, whip marks, and rope burns, and he tells you he enjoyed himself and would like to see her again.

Rolled 9 (1d20)

>>47880290
Rolling for how well girl does in her life.

Rolled 13 (1d20)

>>47880435
REROLL

Rolled 5 (1d20)

>>47880383
The rolling is not for the deviant

>>47880435
The tomboy girl grows up as you'd expect, not much more. She seems mostly uninterested in womanly pursuits.

Rolling for her finding a boy

Rolled 19 (1d20)

>>47880453
THREE TIMES, AMIRITE?

>>47880435

She has a hard life, but does decently with the hand she is dealt. She marries, her looks fade, and she gives birth to several strong children. She loses her husband but stays strong.

>>47880453
NO REROLLS! Just for that, she gets mauled by a pack of wolves, orphaning her remaining children

>>47880470

She finds no boy, for her chest never develops. She dies an old spinster.

>>47880484
>NO REROLLS! Just for that, she gets mauled by a pack of wolves, orphaning her remaining children
Ok, no rerolls, lets forget about that.
but third roll was really good, though

Rolled 16 (1d20)

>>47880435
>>47880453
>>47880475

Rolling for the pack of wolves to maim this asshole's daughter, and if so how badly.

Rolled 9 (1d20)

Rolling for the aforemented sinful boy to still pull his weight at the harvest.


>>47880527
The daughter never quite recovers, and walks with a limp for all her days.

>>47880548
He does somewhat below average, but he does well in life regardless thanks to good ties with the church. No one knows why he's so liked by the clergy.

>>47880527

Badly. The girl dies.

Also, I'm adding his third roll to the wolf's roll. She not only dies, it takes hours for her to die, she is in agony for the entire time she dies, and she curses the gods for allowing her to suffer, thereby damning her to an eternity in hell. Because a guy tried to cheat at a freeform dice game on an anonymous imageboard.

>>47880548
His demure and fragile hands, regrettably, are never able to do better than mediocre.

File: art_warrior_paladin_sword_shield_cross_cloak_armor_knight_warrior_1440x900.jpg (244KB, 1440x900px) Image search: [Google]

244KB, 1440x900px

ANCIENT EVIL YOU SAY?

Rolled 16 (1d20)

>>47880569
>>47880586
>>47880607
ROLLING FOR HIM TO BECOME A PALADIN

Rolled 20 (1d20)

>>47880586
>Because a guy tried to cheat at a freeform dice game on an anonymous imageboard.


>want to do the best for your daughter
>fuck up even worse
Such is peasant's life.

Rolling for next kid.

>>47879817
Fucking lost.

Rolled 10 (1d10)

>>47880619
One day, when the sinful boy is with his clergy-friends, a big owlbear from the forest attacks them, and wounds sinful; who went in between the owlbear and his friends. He managed to beat off the owlbear though, and survives. As he recovers completely, he finally understands his purpose in life and becomes a paladin.

Rolling for his success as a paladin

>>47880619

He becomes a decent paladin! Not a great one, but he does the vows and everything!

>>47880634

Your next kid is the manliest of men! Strong, smart, and kind, he easily becomes the village leader!

>>47880661
He smites evil all day everyday. He will go down in history as bringer of justice and hope.

Rolled 18 (1d20)

>>47880661
He does.. Mediocre. He spends his time praying more than he smites, and when he smits, it's not anything worth smithing.

Rolling for his life being a peaceful one.

>>47880661

>He becomes a decent paladin! Not a great one, but he does the vows and everything!

wait, hold on....

>He managed to beat off the owlbear
ಠ_ಠ
ಠ⌣ಠ

>>47880707

He lives a quiet life, becoming a peaceful, godly, and improbably pretty adult.

File: 1459018387195.jpg (80KB, 432x585px) Image search: [Google]

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>>47880728
>The perverted boy+S&M-loving becomes a peaceful and well-respected adult, thus ends the line of Peasant.

File: 1246419_large[1].jpg (356KB, 940x940px) Image search: [Google]

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Rolled 13 (1d20)

Roll to encroach on human lands and plunder in the name of Ancient Evil.

>>47880762

You encroach successfully! You become a scourge of the frontier lands, but you can never seem to penetrate into the thriving heart of civilization.

>>47880762
You're there and everyone hates you, but after searching far and wide you've plundered nothing of real value.

Rolled 19 (1d20)

>>47880761
There's still a lot of his other children. including the bastards.
Like this one here: >>47880672

Rolling for Manlius Peasantson's childhood survival.

>>47880857

He survives! What's more, he gets no major illnesses or injuries at any point whatsoever!

Rolled 10 (1d20)

>>47880857
Well damn, he survives great.
But damn, when he reaches adulthood, a war breaks out in the kingdom, and the village chooses him to be equipped and sent to war.
Rolling for his good fortune in war.

>>47880919

He sees action. He sees good men die. He doesn't distinguish himself, but he lives.

He comes back to his village, his body unharmed, but something is missing from his soul. He begins to drink.

Rolled 16 (1d20)

>>47880956
Rolling for what he is drinking.

>>47880985
16 is not a type of alcohol....

uhh... Good booze? Like, decent whiskey instead of beer or moonshine?

Rolled 19, 6, 4 = 29 (3d20)

>>47881023
Let's roll with it.
Rolling for his fortunes as a farmer, and if he is luckier in love, and hell, even if he gets any friends to replace those who he lost in the war.

>>47881023
What about milk for dem gains to multiply his manliness?
He wants to become better, so he could prevent further deaths of his next comrades in arms if another war happens.

>>47881053

He becomes a very successful farmer. No friends, no wife, just potatoes. Such is life for ex-soldier in fantasy Latvia.

>>47881102
MANLY ex-soldier
So just like Rambo, but with actual job.

Rolled 17 (1d20)

>>47881102
As he becomes quite rich for a local peasant, rolling for if he becomes the village leader, like his father was before him.

>>47881234

Indeed. Village leader. The village is the family he never had, and at night the potatoes whisper to him that his friends should be alive and he should be dead. Every night. In spite of his insecurities, he still competently leads the village.

>>47879403
Wheat, grasshoppers
That way when the bbeg curses the town with a locust plague I will be rich
RICH I TELL YOU
I'll be able to afford a cheap hoe!
I'm sure there is a joke in there somewhere … ehh who cares

Rolled 19 (1d20)

Rolling to establish a church to the sun god, so that the crops may grow ever bountiful.

Rolled 6 (1d20)

>>47881256
Rolling to see if the whore with a heart of gold he slept with during the war gave birth to a child.

>>47881365
Nope, no child. Atleast none Manlius knows of.
He occasionally still reminiscens the whore with an odd, empty kind of joy.

>>47881359

Manlius turns away from Zeus and begins to worship an eastern Sun deity. It brings a bountiful harvest and becomes moderately successful.

Rolled 8 (1d20)

Rolling for how good the captured princess looks.

Rolled 3 (1d20)

>>47881394
Rolling for adopting local orphans.

>>47881429
The captured princess is actually a prince. Although a handsome one.

Rolled 5 (1d20)

Rolling for travelling clergyman cultist to convert the local peasantry to worship the Leviathans of the sea

>>47881453
Manlius' Sun Church and the traditional Zeusites finally make a truce, even if temporary, and throw the clergyman to the sea.
After a while they go back to bickering.

>>47881435

For some reason kids just scream and hide when they see him. Weird.

>>47881453
Nope. Sun god is fine.

>>47881429
ehh... not hideous, but kind of homely.

Rolled 7 (1d20)

Rolling to begin the industrial revolution.

Rolled 1 (1d20)

>>47881514
Rolling to see if Manlius' devotion to the sun god gets him an astral waifu.

>>47881543
You fail, but you manage to make some sort of a ball with spins with the power of boiling water.
You go down in history books as a masterous artificer of toys.

We're still in the classical age, damnit

>>47881543
Luddites have voiced their disgust and begin forming a union to take your movement down. Roll to attempt to dismantle the union.

>>47881543
Luddites ransack your equipment.

>>47879403
Oats
Sheep

Just gotta keep those wolves away.

Rolled 12 (1d20)

>>47881590

Rolling to ransack the Luddites' daughters in revenge

>>47881656
She reluctantly agrees to cop a fucking but tells you she's had better.

Rolled 17 (1d20)

>>47881656
You ravage her thoroughly, she flees weeping to her father's household.
But now most of the village is up in arms at these increased tensions!
Factions begin rallying to meeting houses and guild halls.
Civil war is brewing: Rolling for uprising.

File: 1466319469370.jpg (107KB, 853x480px) Image search: [Google]

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Rolled 4 (1d20)

I roll to reform Christianity

Rolled 8 (1d20)

>>47881704
Manlius hears of this shit and dons his armour and arms, which he has kept locked away, but taken deliberate care of over the years.
He steps out of his house, and tells the villagers to stop and gives them a speech to think about the greater good, what they could achieve if they acted as one. Rolling to defuse the situation.

>>47881796
You fail to gain a following and have been excommunicated for your trouble.

Rolled 12 (1d20)

>>47881826
I keep fucking trying

>>47881838
No rerolls

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Rolled 5 (1d20)

>>47881876

A wizard enters the town, looking to settle down!

dice+1d20

Rolling to see how much the village tolerates (Or maybe even likes) magic.

>>47881905
You burn at the stake.
Multiple times.

>dice+1d20

I'm literally the worst.

>>47881565
A virgin beauty descends from the heavens. A lady from the village covers the eyes of her child as Manlius rolls in the grass with a sheep, gagging himself with a mouthful of grass as he braces himself for what is yet to come.

Rolled 3 (1d20)

Rolling to see if the local lord is going to find out that I've been selling a portion of my crops to the hero on the side.

Rolled 3 (1d20)

>>47882042

>>47882310
You are most definitely dead. In the afterlife Zeus condemns you to receive Hercules's verile member each morning and night for attempting to subvert his worshippers.

>>47882296
Not only does the lord know, but he has clear evidence. The hero has turned you in! Roll to see how merciful the lord treats your tax-evading ways and what you can salvage of your ruined life.

Rolled 6 (1d20)

>>47882600
Ruh roh. I was just trying to make enough money to get some meat to go with our bread.

Rolled 10 (1d20)

Rolling to become loveable bandit who uses village as his base

>>47882687
Your unsympathetic excuse and unserflike attitude have convinced the lord that you are a bad seed. He strips half the land you were supposed to work this season and gives it to Peasant George the next plot over instead. Your family will have to tighten their belts this winter for your folly, instead of being able to enjoy succulent beast flesh. Roll for yield.
>>47882730
The people are mostly apathetic to your existence. As long as you don't bother them, they'll ignore you. They don't tolerate freeloaders, though, so roll for employment opportunities in the area.

Rolled 8 (1d20)

>>47882799
Roll to become a bee keeper

Rolled 17 (1d20)

>>47882799
>Roll for yield

Hope I got some extra fertalizer in the back.

>>47882822
Alas, when you attempt to gather the necessary hives to start your apiary, you spot signs of bears at each hive you find. You could take the hives, but then the bears would likely track you down...Roll to cover up your trail.

Also roll for bee-keeping knowledge.
>>47882823
(DC 15 for sufficient yield, wow!)
Luckily, the Lord neglected to actually take the profits from your illicit activities. Combined with a bumper crop, you manage to store enough grain both to pay your taxes and feed your family. There is even a little extra — not enough for any special occasion, but some — and so you have enough wealth to catch the eyes of some eligible peasant girls at the harvest festival. Roll for who, and then roll for how the interaction goes.

Rolled 2, 4 = 6 (2d20)

>>47882918
First for hiding from bears second for been knowledge

>>47882918
>feed your family.
>catch the eyes of some eligible peasant girls
I'm retarded and self contradictory. Let's say you're a young teenager whose father died and you inherited the plot, and sold under the table because you were worried about your ability to provide. Or something, I dunno.

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>>47882938
Fuck

>>47882938
>>47882954
kek
Sadly, you neither know how to take the hives safely, nor how to store them, nor even what a good location for bees would be. So when you approach the hives, you just grab them with your hands, accidentally puncture the hive structure, covering yourself in wax and honey, and make a huge racket when the bees sting you repeatedly. This, unfortunately, attracts the attention of a massive bear, the sort of creature the villagers whisper about and make up stories about and mistake for a supernatural being when it's just a huge fucking bear. Sadly for you, it's a huge fucking bear and that means it has a much, much longer stride than you, and you are holding a bee hive filled with honey, being stung by bees, and drenched in delicious wax and larvae and sugar. Roll to run.

Rolled 1 (1d20)

>>47883010
I'm gonna roll to throw a rock at him while in the area and trip him up.

>>47883052
Jesus

File: He's lost in the music.gif (5KB, 102x136px) Image search: [Google]

5KB, 102x136px

>>47883052
Damn I just wanted to be an asshole.

>>47883052

You have been blinded by beestings; your eyes are swollen shut. You throw a rock in what you think is the bear's direction, but while you are distracted you run face-first into a tree. The bear catches you and mauls you alive. Not only do you die, but you die very painfully.

Rolled 19, 12 = 31 (2d20)

>>47883010
Roll to run and throw the hive at this asshole>>47883052

>>47883052
amazing sequence mr. bandito

I'm typing up a nice long demise for you.

>>47883096
wait, fuck, who's who? shit this is confusing

beehive brigand, and then this other guy? okay, I can handle that

>>47883072
You were watching this retard try to grab a beehive with his barehands. It was amazing. This guy came into your village the other day, and declared he was a brigand and everyone would love him, and now he isn't even putting the bees to sleep when stealing the fucking hive. What kind of idiot tries to take honey without putting the bees to sleep?

Anyway, then he grabbed the attention of this great huge hulking thing of a beast. It was gargantuan. Gross. Legendarily great. This thing was the size of a house. It'd be hilarious if he tripped while running, right? So you picked up a rock. This was going to be amazing. You drew your arm back. You loosed.

Your throw was great. That rock was going fast as a bat out of hell. Your throw was not so great. It hit a tree in front of him, and was gong so fast it bounced off and everything after that is just a bunch of stars.

You come to the trees of the forest near your home. What were you doing? Why were you covered in honey? Ouch! Bees? Did you try to steal honey without putting the bees to sleep or something? No, no, everyone knows you put the bees to sleep. Oh, right, you had this great idea, and...what was next? Wait. What was that?

Oh.

The bear.

You caught its attention.

Roll to run from the bear.

Rolled 7 (1d20)

>>47883117
I wanted to throw a rock at this bee kidnapping cunt.

>>47883205
I hope my legs favor me more than my arms.

>>47883096
Okay. You could handle a bear. You'd run from plenty of bears. Just go down a hill, and it's easy. They just stop. You even know the perfect hill. It's that a way.

You take off, and you can hear the branches and logs and who knows what else the bear plows through in its quest to fuck your shit up. To the bear's detriment, you know this part of the woods. You might not know how to steal honey, or set up a bee-farming place or whatever it's called, but you knew these woods. You were the local lovable brigand, you didn't have anything to do but wander around the woods. You weave in and out of copses, briar patches, anything to keep that bear away from you. Yeah, it's large. Yeah, it's scary. You keep your head.

You're almost there, almost to that great cheese-rolling hill, when something flies in front of your face, hits a tree, and bounces off. You're so startled you almost stop running. Apparently the bear was really startled too, because it does stop running. You turn your head, and there's that asshole from the local village. What was his name again? Whatever. You definitely were lovable, no matter what he said.

Did he just try to get you killed? Fucking prick. The bear's still looking at him, right? Wasn't it...oh, yeah. This will be great.

By the time he wakes up, he'll be covered in honey, and you'll be home free. Fuck that guy.

(You escape the bear, and that one asshole!)

You find a stream to wash yourself off in, at the bottom of the cheese-rolling hill. Roll to see who, or what, else is there.

>>47883292
Fuck. That was a huge bear. That was a loud bear. You could hear it breathing and it was a bowshot away. You could see its breath steaming through the trees, you could feel it walk. Branches fell with every loping stride it took towards you. Okay, you admit it. You froze up a little, even with the bees stinging you.

Where could you run from such a Creature? You couldn't climb a tree, it would just knock the tree down. Could you find a burrow? A cave? Someone's root cellar? No, the thing walking alone would collapse the whole world, you'd swear to anything, let alone some tunnel.

Oh, no. The Creature is half a bowshot away now and you're still standing here, and the bees aren't making it any easier to think about this.

You take off. You need time to think. Could you lead it back to the village and get some of the guys together and kill the Creature? No, someone would get hurt, and you'd look like you had a flaming pile of shit between your ears, covered in honey and bees and being chased by a bear like you are.

The ground shakes as the Creature leaps over a log. You trip and stumble and lose just a little bit of distance. It's gaining. Just running isn't working. What can you do? What should you do?

Roll to continue running, or think of something to lose the Creature!

Rolled 2 (1d20)

I am a Handsome Prince ( >>47881450 ), recently captured by a Dragon. Just as Planned - if they're a /D/ragon.
Rolling to seduce the dragon.

Rolled 12 (1d20)

>>47883336
A maiden who wants to roll with me?

Rolled 8, 13 = 21 (2d20)

>>47883478
I think that idiot is over there! (1st roll) Maybe I can lead the creature to him? (2nd roll)

>>47883562
The Dragon is vaguely disgusted by the notion that it would ever deign to touch your fiddly bits with its fiddly bits. It hangs you from the ceiling upside down to drain all that blood from one head to the other.

What now?

>>47883585
You spot a girl with callous fingers running through and over a head of brown hair and tanned skin. This wouldn't normally be enough to identify her, but, as the lovable brigand, you have the spare time to ogle and memorize everything about everyone who catches your eye.

It's one of the less outstandingly lissome girls of the village, but she's nice enough. Wide-faced and straight-bodied, and one of the few who actually bothers to talk to you. Her rough homespun dress lies on the bank alongside a pile of other laundry.

Do you approach, or merely stare from the bushes and appreciate what you can? Roll regardless, to see how successful you are.

Rolled 18 (1d20)

I roll to domesticate the bears.

Rolled 2 (1d20)

>>47883713
Cautiously approach but with a bit of swagger you know

Rolled 18 (1d20)

>>47883713
Hmm... Let's see how flexible I am!

>>47883642
The idiot is still covered in honey, too. Maybe you could get it to chase him again, and then abscond to a stream somewhere and wash off this honey. No one would ever need to know that you threw a rock and knocked yourself down. Where did he get off to? He can't have gotten far, he's an dunce. It's a wonder he made it from wherever he's from to your village in one piece.

The Creature is fast. Something that large has no business being this fast. You were a pretty good runner, if you say so yourself. Mary liked how you ran. Why, oh why, were you in this situation?

Oh, yeah, you were an ass.

Whatever. It's not like the idiot would be missed by anyone, anyway.

The only saving grace of this whole thing is that the Creature, no matter how large, is still just an animal. It chases you down with a horrible determination, but that just means you can lead it. Wherever he went. If you could find him.

Roll to see if you can track someone, at running speed, while being chased by bees and a bear.

...if I put it that way, you're fucked. Oh well. At least you know these woods pretty well! You've got that going for you.

Rolled 14 (1d20)

>>47883863
Oh Sun God of Manlius' Church...

>>47883715
Far away from the idiot and the asshole, across the River Valda and on the wide open steppes, someone cries out in triumph. They have invented bear cavalry. They will be unstoppable.

The fact that the steppe bears are much smaller and akin to dogs than their Great Forest cousins slips their mind.
>>47883848
You are very flexible, if you say so yourself. Sadly, you are not so flexible as to reach your hands over your head while they are tied. You also still have a ribcage, so you can only bend so far forward.

Roll to see how long you can hold whatever posture prevents your head from filling with blood.

File: the most controversial of all crops.jpg (183KB, 1280x722px) Image search: [Google]

183KB, 1280x722px

>>47878800
What if the hero and the demon king have very strong opinions about agriculture?

>>47883778
It is a great plan. Mary will love this. You will swagger over and nothing will be awkward and you will be loved and Mary won't leave you and it will be great.

You trip on a river stone and hit your head.

You awaken to see someone over you...

Roll for recovery.

Rolled 12 (1d20)

>>47883941
Maybe I should have worn the enchanted cheerleader uniform today...

Rolled 18 (1d20)

>>47883976

Rolled 3 (1d20)

>>47883962
Maybe I do have strong feelings on agriculture...
That's how we get the farmers I eat, right?

>>47883962
GET YOUR ON TOPIC POST OUT OF HERE, WE'RE WASTING OUR TIME ITT

>>47883937
There! Branches broken consistently in one direction, grass pressed down, a honeyed handprint on a tree trunk, all the clues you need are there. Surely, this is the right way.

Isn't this the way to the cheese-rolling hill? Why would he want to go there? Ah ha! Surely he means to wash off the honey and abandon you to the Creature. You've cottoned on to his nefarious plot. You'll get him, you will.

Wait.

The Creature is slowing down, actually.

Huh.

Bears have shit endurance, it turns out.

Who'd have thought?

What now?

Rolled 12 (1d20)

>>47883941
The steppe people raid the village with their ursine dragoons and attempt to steal their prettiest women.

>>47883994
I'm not really sure what you mean by this. Are you asking for a post filled with introspection on your outfit choices?

>>47884023
It turns out pillaging and raiding is much more profitable than farmer farming, in terms of how much effort is required from the demon economy per unit of farmer meat acquired.

>>47884094
>Roll to see how long you can hold whatever posture prevents your head from filling with blood.
My apologies for not stating it clearly.

>>47884002
It turns out you have a really hard head! Both of them. You give Mary a good tumble in the streambed. No streamsheets for your bodies to slip between, but beggars can't be choosers.

Roll for possibility of children, approval of Mary's father, and the nature of the children!

>>47884071
Yes! Steppe Needs Moms!

But...how? The River Valda has protected the Empire for generations. Hm...a difficult proposition.

An outpost with ferries could be attacked and overwhelmed. However, it is likely that someone will have a climactic duel over the beacon-fire, and all of the Empire will know you are coming.

You could build your own ferries! However, the steppe peoples have no experience navigating the river, or building anything that has no use on the steppe, so this is rather risky and dangerous as well.

Or! Maybe you can think of a cleverer plan.

What method do the steppe peoples decide is best?

Rolled 4 (1d20)

>>47884094
Then I don't care about agriculture, except for the rare areas where I grow the fruits of the whip-lash tree.
Actually, can this inbred village of fornication and crime grow these fruits? (roll for viability)

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209KB, 439x570px

Rolled 3, 17, 11 = 31 (3d20)

>>47884189

>>47884147
Ah. Yes. Well. After a while, your abdominal muscles start cramping. You've sort of lost track of time, but eventually even your royal strength succumbs to the tyranny of gravity. Your face is really, really red, and this hurts a lot.

Eventually the Dragon gets tired of your moaning and cuts you down so that the Plan can continue.

Hm...what was the Dragon's Plan in kidnapping you, anyway?

Rolled 2 (1d20)

>>47884068
rolling to get to the bottom of Cheese-rolling hill and cleaning off

>>47884196
It turns out...not really. Whip-lash, it seems, requires an area saturated with spiritual purity to ruin. The debauchery of this village over many generations has already wrecked the delicate conditions required for proper whip-lash growth.

Alas, what can a Demon King do? (no seriously what's the plan boss)

Rolled 20 (1d20)

>>47884247
This magnificent member of our most royal house knows... Knows that he doesn't know what the dragon's plan was. Was it even male or female?
But I know my plans! I must find a female dragon and create a new half-dragon dynasty to save my kingdom from the savage steppe raiders! I should have 40 years, unless they somehow get bears involved...

(random roll for whatever you need)

>>47884255
The cheese-rolling hill gives you a good tumble! Actually, it kind of hurts. Ouch. Then, as you finally come to an abused and painful stop face-down in the sandy mud of the streambank, you look up, and see the idiot further upstream giving Mary a good tumble.

You thought Mary liked your running.

Roll for heartbreak. ;-;

>>47884287
Umm... Buggery?
Buggery.
Buggery and Raiding. Of somewhere. Maybe I'll try steppe bear flesh...

>>47884220
Somehow it comes to you that you should try something funny and not finish tumbling inside. So you finish outside, in the stream. Man, if there was a guy downstream crying or something, they'd get a faceful of something nasty! Luckily for everyone involved there's no such guy downstream crying about his lost love at all! That would be silly and downright mean of whatever cruel being is in control of your destinies! hahahahahahahahahahaha

haha

ha

No one would ever do that to someone, right?

No one.

That would just be unnecessary.

When you make your way back to the village, carrying a well-tumbled Mary, Mary's father eyes you. His face scrunches up, and you're a bit worried you'll have to run from two bears in one day, but then he pulls you in for a hug (carefully, so Mary doesn't get hurt), slaps you on the back, and whispers in your ear some very nasty things he learned how to do way back when. You know, just so you know how to hurt anyone who tries to hurt Mary.

Roll for happy domestic life? Or whatever else you want, senpai.

>Am orc.
>See smooth skin touch dirt make many different flower.
>Touch ground many ways.
>Touch ground like touch woman.
>No flowers.
>Angry man with plants in beard angry at me.
>Say I touch land wrong.
>Show him how I touch

Do dirt beard like my touch?

>>47879403
Rye and goats. Best bread, best cheese.

Rolled 1 (1d20)

>>47884416
Rolling for a good old fashioned orc-slaying.

Rolled 14 (1d20)

>>47884409
Roll to sire many sons and inherit father in laws lands

Rolled 14 (1d20)

>>47884409
Yes, a happy domestic life, with Mary helping me dominate the pretty village women and make them my harem.

>>47884460
You make to land a mighty blow against the foul orc, but lose momentum halfway. Your strike instead becomes a gentle caress.

The orc, believing this to be a demonstration of how to touch the earth, replies in kind with vigor.
Your anus is now more used to insertions.

>>47884460
Such soft, green skin...

>>47884323
Yes, that's exactly what your plan was. Who cares about the Dragon's plan, anyway? Is it even male or female? This is a question that will haunt you if you don't find out.

So you peek just a little.

Yeah that's a thing.

Yup.

You remember just before doing something you'd regret that dragons are primal recursive manifestations of things like fire capable of burning fire to create more fire, or poison that's so poisonous that everything it poisons, including itself, turns into even worse and more poisonous poison. So they don't really have genders or sex or anything like that, per say.

You're sure glad you prepared for just this situation by being a well-educated royal aware of the nature of what you're buggering and got a spell that actually makes your plan viable. It sure would suck if a very specific twist of destiny necessary for that to happen didn't happen!

You just need to slap this piece of vellum somewhere the Dragon can't remove it and the Dragon will be forced into a form comprehensible to diddling and fiddling for as long as is necessary for you to diddle and fiddle it.

Or you could convince the Dragon that this is for the best, and that they should voluntarily accept the spell.

So...

>>47884342
Yes, this is a great plan, Boss. We'll just pass it along to the Four Generals and let them deal with the diddly and the fiddly details.

We'll open a portal to somewhere near Hastrik, and then we'll be able to trade for the steppe bear flesh we need.

Or we could round up some of the steppe peoples and ask them for tribute in steppe bear flesh!

Or we could just, you know, hunt steppe bears for steppe bear flesh.

What's the plan?

>>47884483
>>47884484
You have a happy domestic life with Mary. It's pretty happy and domestic.

Mary's not too keen on you even looking at the other village women, though. Your happy and domestic life with Mary is slightly less happy and domestic after you mention this plan to her. She may live in a village of incest and debauchery, but it's not like anyone knew that it was incest or debauchery at the time.

On the other hand, you have at least some sons, and Mary's brothers all die horribly somehow. It's not all that important. Gimme, like, 10 rolls for lineage and children stuff and I'll make some shit up!

Rolled 12, 16, 15, 14, 18, 18, 3, 14, 11, 11 = 132 (10d20)

>>47884615

Rolled 5, 6 = 11 (2d20)

A youth shows up in the village after running away on shame from his old one after being caught fucking a cheese wheel. Rolling for whether the news has spread and new job.

>>47884863
Hey look it's the cheese fucker from Goatfuckershire

>>47884863
Unfortunately, this is the sort of news that spreads: hilarious and distinctive. The only good part is that most of the villagers don't recognize the youth as the cheese-wheel-fucker, though they think it funny how much he matches the description. The youth walks a thin line between the village being a new home and a new source of ridicule.

No one really needs youths these days, though. The village is just right full of youths.

>>47884813
Look at this guy. Five sons. That'll be five youths in the next few years.

The youth market is just absolutely flooded right now.

Rolled 3, 4 = 7 (2d20)

>>47884519
I will see if the dragon can accept this idea (1st roll)
But if they don't... Well, if this vellum ends up on them by accident... I get the same result! (2nd roll)

Rolled 20, 4, 13, 5 = 42 (4d20)

>>47884566
Put a single General on each plan. The Fourth General should see if Hastrik has any spare farmers, we could do with more food.

(roll for each general in order, so 1-Trade, 2-Tribute, 3-Raid, 4-Farmers)

>Not taking farming seriously

I bet OP is one of those Noble adventurers. I bet he had his bodyguards kill all his foes for him.

>>47885039
The Dragon laughs for a while at the idea, before realizing you were serious and picking you up by your ankles with its tail. You flail around and try to get the vellum attached, so that you're no longer fighting a Dragon, but clumsily can't achieve your goal.

You are hanging by your ankles again. : <

Sad day. Maybe you can entice the Dragon somehow. You didn't elaborate at all, after all. There could be something the Dragon wants that it can get by going along with your Plan. What can you offer it to let you have babby with it?

>>47885073
It turns out that demon shit is excellent medicine for sick horses, and that the steppe peoples value it highly. Ichiban is able to get a truly stupendous amount of steppe bear flesh for his leavings.

Niban is a little less lucky. All the steppe peoples are at Hastrik for something important to them, so none are able to be rounded up!

Sanban's hunts are kind of okay. He gets some steppe bear flesh, but the pile pales in comparison to Ichiban's haul.

Yonban realizes that the steppe has very bad farmer-ratios per square unit-area, but doesn't want to tell you to your face. So she pretends that the farmers are at Hastrik too, with the steppe people.

>>47878800
Preindustrial workers, including farm-hands, had shorter work-weeks than todays jobs.

>>47888034
>everything has to be written by hand
>someone invents the typewriter
>Oh boy, I can do all my work really quickly now! I can't wait for shorter hours!
>get given more work instead

>someone invents the computer
>Oh boy, I can do everything REALLY fast now! Fifteen hour work weeks are the future!
>get given triple the amount of work instead

Technology was a mistake.

>>47889224
The ONLY reason we have 8 hours shift instead of 12 were undustrial workers protesting and DYING for their rights.
Then socialism went to shit.

>>47881798
The more steadfast members of the factions are unswayed, but you convince a few unsure individuals to lay down their arms. Civil war still looms close at hand.

Rolled 7 (1d20)

>>47879163
Roll for fertility.