I need some Eurofags to redpill me on soccer, PRONTISSIMO. Everyone

>>74415814
Be the goalie.

>>74415848

Don't you have to be willing to take full-force kicks to the face?
Not sure if I'm that hardcore.

>>74415814

Like any sport, it's best to learn when still a kid. The best way to learn is to do it like a kid. Just buy a ball and start kicking it against a wall. When you're somewhat comfortable with your accuracy, try kicking around with some friends. Pro-tip: don't kick with the point of your shoe, but try to use the part of your foot in between your toes and your instep

Learn to dive. Dive hard when you are in the box and the ref is far away. If you manage to secure penalties for your team, you will help your mates a lot even if you are not a good player.

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>>74415883
>this flag
>that post

go hard in the paint

>>74415814
stop giving a crud and just try to get the ball via tackling

How much beer can you carry? Bring as much as you can and you'll be the belle of the ball.

>I mean good beer
>check my flag

play CB, run a lot and tackle hard
that's what i did when i started playing

if you're fat be the meme goalie and eat pie on the sidelines

-focus on pushing and running along side the ball instead chasing it. it will always be faster than you

-know when to speed up and slow down and speed up again, dont just run as fast as you can at all times

-pay attention to where people are around you and look for spaces to move into

>>74415814
if the other team has the ball run at them fast as possible, if they kick it away get mad at your team for ruining your gegenpress

tell everyone you are an inverted false 9

follow these rules and you should be able to get away with doing fuck all useful without anyone realising

>>74415814
It's called football.

>>74415854
You don't have to actually make any saves if you say you're a ball-playing keeper.

Just sign up as manager look after the beer supply. Good way to get out annoying shit.

Post up on the goalie when your team is near the goal.

>>74415883
t. busquets

>>74415814
Just deuter some raum m8

>learn basic rules
>watch a few football games (aim for EPL, forget MLS)
>buy a football
>learn the basics (kicking, recieving and dribbling)
>also improve your cardio (you'll run and dash for a few miles every game)
>the rest comes with time

>intramural
The wall was built already?

>>74415848
this is good advice

>>74415883
Shut up Neymar, don´t tell your secret.

>>74415814
rule 1 is that under no circumstances should you EVER. EVER. give a crud. if you start giving a crud, ask to be subbed out and go home, do not play again until the crud-giving subsides. rule 2: if the opposition tries to banter you, tell them to doop off. rule 3: drawing is winning. rule 4: believe that you will win.

>>74417390
Well meme'd Sweden

>>74417390
This is how champions are made.

just go doopin' mental

>>74415814
play some pes/fifa

>>74415814
get a ball and pass it against a wall for a few hours each day
if you want to be brazilian try alternating between your strong and weak foot
it's the only way to gid gud

You're going to suck. Get used to it. Trying to precisely control a ball with your feet when its not something you grew up doing will be as difficult as throwing a ball left-handed.

You can still be ok tho if your cardio is good. You can play hustle D. Try to cut off an attacker from the ball with your body rather than lunging your feet out at the ball itself. When you get the ball then just either pass right away or hoof it downfield so you dont embarrass yourself dribbling.

Just run fast and people will think you're good
Also don't be afraid when going for headers or you'll get called a pussy

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I will never understand why Amerifats associate soccer with Europe

South America produces the best players and is far more successful at this sport than the Old Continent

See picture, literally half the CONMEBOL members are amongst the top 10

>>74419143
Burgers all like to pretend they're German, it's the funniest thing

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>>74415883

>>74415814
Goalie or CB

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pick a player of the opposition to follow and man mark all game long (translated from football lingo: kick the shit out of him)

>>74419089
>throwing a ball left-handed is hard
Maybe for you right-handed normies

>>74415883
least surprising post on /sp/

>tell everybody you trained in LA Galaxy's academy but caught a knee injury before the final tryouts
>demand to wear the #10 jersey
>take 40+ yard shots every time you get the ball
>fake an injury as soon as your team goes down in the score

>>74419846

I see hispanics are very skilled at these things.

>>74419846
>>74419853
Forgot:
Dab every time your team scores

>>74415883
Good post, Cristiano.

>>74419143

>>I will never understand why Amerifats associate soccer with Europe

>Soccer
>British sport
>developed in Britain
>European country

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>>74419143
>>74419471
>the state of these posts

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>>74415814

Emulate Carlos Kaiser:

>It's an incredible story – the stuff of Hollywood movies. Much of it is even true, although exactly how much only one man knows. That man is Carlos Henrique: ‘The Kaiser’. For 24 years he was a professional footballer, at Brazilian teams such as Botafogo and Fluminense, in Mexico, the USA and France. He was friends with some of the biggest players of his day. And he spent his entire career avoiding the ball.

>“He wanted the cake,” says former frontman Mauricio de Oliveira Anastacio, who was with the Kaiser at Rio team America. “He wanted to be in the middle of the footballers, he wanted to be considered a footballer, but he didn’t want the responsibilities of a footballer.” And through a combination of guile, charm and sheer front, the Kaiser succeeded.

>In the Rio gym where today he works as a trainer, Carlos Henrique smiles from behind his wraparound sunglasses and tells his story. “I didn’t play. Literally, I didn’t play,” he says. “Because I didn’t want to play.”

http://www.fourfourtwo.com/features/confessions-carlos-kaiser-footballs-biggest-conman

Play ((((defense))))) thats what i did at my companies game
Just stood near the goal and ran at people who were coming towards our goal

>>74419143
all your best players flee your continent the moment any even mediocre european club shows interest in them, so that's why

we are the center of this sport, deal with it

also
>FIFA ranking
lel

>>74419471

Burgers are actually the only Germans left.
Germany-Germans are slav rape babies.