Depression > I don't know what to think of my life.

Bro id be happy to take all your personal belongings when you pass, i dont have shit and i still work my ass off. Hell, im pretty popular myself, but in a ghetto type of way. Always daydreamed what it would be ljke to be well off. Anyway hope it gets better bro. If not, put me in the will lol

It definitely isn't about how dull things are. I could write a novel about my life and people would never believe it. I just don't care to exist. Every day I'm alive is a grinding drag to nothing. I don't care that tomorrow I'll have bought another classic bike, one I've been lusting over for the past year, I'll ride it and do reckless shit hoping to destroy myself and that's about it.

Life fucking sucks most of the time, we can agree. I decided to see if it would help to set life goals, and I eventually concluded that my life goal is to change the entire of humanity for the better

It's an abstract and entirely naive goal to aim towards, the slim possibility that I'll attain the unattainable is what keeps me going most days.

Maybe a goal similar to this might help you

>>22993203
Actually, this is my goal too... That's why I know it's unreasonable too

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shit like what OP's going through makes me feel bleak as hell. I'm pretty much the opposite of him yet I feel just as bleak. Even if I had what he had, I'd still feel just as bad.
Fuck.
Sure is froggy in here.

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Why does every fucking person like to tell everyone on the internet about it im being serious.

I dont get it you're like children passing around notes, why not just shut up about it and work on your issues instead of feeling sorry for yourselves, it comes off as if you're just trying to get attention.

>Inb4 it feels good to talk about it

It doesn't it feels nice to tell people how hard you have it for the chance of someone feeling sorry for you.

Sack up, work on your shit.

>>22995285
There's nothing to work on, bub. I'm well-off, well-endowed, everybody's friend and no matter what I ask myself I need to be happy, there is no answer. Nothing will make me happy. I can only escape the weight of living.

One thing I remembered today that is so aggravating it makes me wonder if everybody secretly hates me, is the way everybody is so god damned contradicting towards me.

I can't make one statement without somebody correcting me, telling me I'm flat out wrong or stupid for wanting to do something, telling me what's best for me and how to find what THEY define as happiness.

I've gotten to the point where almost everything I say outside of a strictly professional setting stings me because I can see it coming. I can see their eyes doing the calculations in their head, jumping the hoops to find the one way to contradict what i've said.

It came up today because I said we would need several tampers. You know, a tamper. That's what it is. It's not wrong, it's not regional, it's not jargon, that's the god damned name of the god damned tool. But I caught it in time. I said to the ole foreman's on a crew of mine that we would need some, and I saw his eyes go blank right where they were as he delved into his head, ready to start with "well technically it's called a ____" but I caught him. As soon as I finished my statement, I snapped my head directly at him and said "an yes, that's what it's called, don't go trying to correct me." He just shrugged with a sort of sarcastic "hm".

Why me? Does anybody else endure this shit?

I feel like everything I do in life is a challenge with no end, no solution. No matter what I accomplish, life isn't completed, it isn't won, it doesn't end until it does and even then it's not after you've tied all loose ends.

I feel like no matter what I do today, I'll just have to re-do it tomorrow or it's just being done today to prepare for tomorrow.

It's like showers. God damn I hate showers. I am strictly about baths. Why the hell would I want to stand up while being god damned uncomfortable for a half hour? If I'm going to endure this bullshit I'm going to at least lie down and pass out a few times.

The reason I hate them so much, besides being covered in fucking water for half an hour and then spending the NEXT half hour having remaining water evaporate and drip out, is that nobody is ever complete when it comes to hygiene. It's a job that has to be repeated again and again and endured again and again. No matter how many times you do it, it's not finished! So you have to endlessly endure it!

Same thing with hair-cuts, bed-making, eating, maintaining a home or in my case two shops as well. No matter what, it's a constant battle with NO end.

To people that don't understand this depression, imagine every morning you wake up you gotta jerk somebody off. Just some random guy, actually always the same one. You don't know him though. He doesn't talk to you or nothing. You just wake up and it's like breathing, you couldn't exist without it, just start stroking. How would you feel about your mornings? How would you feel about what awaits tomorrow? How long do you think you would endure it over-all? And no matter how many times you do it, you can't live without it.

Basically, life is a wank, I'm done strokin'.

>>22992567

Still have depression, did counseling and meds and I'm starting to be motivated for long periods of time. I don't punish myself as much and I don't think that suffering and tragedy are the sole defining features of my character now.

You have to drag your potato sack self along sometimes, but it can get better. You don't get rid of it, you get strong enough to carry it with you.

>>22995641
You know, I used to think that that was true, but the way I see it is, why should I convince myself to do shit?

Ever since I was 13, I had wished I was never born. Being alive is a burden, one I never agreed to nor wanted. It's like dropping an infant into somebody's lap. Congrats, it's your problem now and you have no say on the matter.

If I was never born nobody would miss me. Now I have so many people that are so delighted whenever I show up I know what a huge fucking void would be left without me.

Another thing as of recent is the fact that I'm fucking up more and more as I go. I think I have a degenerative disorder.

I've always been a good driver. When I started at 16 on motorcycles and hauling 20' trailers, I was very proud that I had a spotless record. Within the past three years, though, suddenly I've dropped a bike and in another case went flying off of it. I've backed into objects and drove two wheels of a trailer into a ditch, hanging the trailer on its axle and had to have my whole crew help pry the thing out. I drove straight off of a road at night. Clear over the ditch and into somebody's lawn. I've merged into a lane and right into a truck beside me. And I've been absent-minded when putting things together. I often leave nuts or bolts out, or assemble things I've assembled before in the wrong order and had to start all over. Things I used to know like a mental dictionary of historic events are gone. Even in my daily speech I sometimes have to excuse myself from a conversation for several minutes as I try to find a simple word. A simple god damned word like "assumption" and "affluent" had my head aching for damn near five-minutes each today!

Often times I leave home with a task and come home to find I've done something else completely different and never finished the original task.

I feel more stupid every day and I know I wasn't a fuck up like this only a few years ago or I would have never grown my business. I hope I'm dying softly

>>22992567
What kind of treatment have you been on OP? Have you tried meds? Have you tried deep brain stimulation if the meds didn't work? Or have you not gotten any treatment yet?

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>>22996244
I don't think it's worth it. Besides, the last thing I need is more shit causing poor decisions.

Look up EVERY case of somebody killing a dozen people in the past decade and you'll find a frightening majority have been long-term users of psych meds. How else do you explain this expression?

>>22996287
That's a really small amount of cases. But like I said if drugs don't work for you you can always try that dbs shit. Not as freaky as it sounds. You just get this little device you hook up to without any weird side effects.
Idk, if it might work for you, why not try? I think I've heard that it can help with 70% of cases of severe depression.

idk OP you're all "why do all that shit" but then you acknowledge that many people want you around
that's a big reason to try to do all of that shit

>>22992567
At least people like you, anon.

I have no friends and am waiting for the right moment to kill myself. I'm done; no point in playing a game I can't win.

Fuck my life, fuck my family, fuck everything. I will soon be gone thank fuck.

>>22996324
Oh man, Anon please, you may have no friends now but you might be really important to someone in the future
Not saying to live for other people, but at least don't consider "no one specifically needs me now" a reason to commit if you're going to consider others anyway

>>22996324
The average person lives to be about 75 years old. So if you're less than 38 and have more than half of your life left, the odds are that, for instance, the funniest joke you'll ever hear in your life is one you haven't heard yet. It's just statistics. Odds are you also haven't yet...

>met the girl you'll love the most;

>met your best friend;

>heard your favorite album;

>started the best job you'll ever have;

>read the best book;

>seen the best movie or played the coolest video game;

>found the hobby you're most interested in;

>had the best sex;

>had the most original, mind-blowing idea;

>met the dumbest person you'll ever meet;

>or seen the stupidest haircut.

Saw this in an article, chill theres lots to see yet little anon

Why don't you handsome, well hung fukkers white night this old fat girl and give her a good fucking? You have nothing to lose and maybe it will drive you to kill yourself finally. I know it will make me feel good and that's what it's about when you hit the midlife crisis. See what you have to look forward to?

>>22993203
>>22993844

your goal is not unreasonable or undoable.

even if you don't out right change everything at once, you can still cause a ripple effect in the world and influence those around you.

I know how you feel. I can't remember when it was good, moments of happiness elude.Maybe I just misunderstood.

>>22996598
Like you read my mind. You and I.......we're n sync

>>22992567
I'm in a similar mindset, this sort of thing is pretty much exactly what I'm afraid of. I'm young and I have all sorts of options but I'm terrified that no matter what I do I'll always feel the way I do now. When I look at the future I just can't imagine being content or happy.
It's hard to make a choice that I justify to myself or others when I don't actually think it will make a difference.

I don't think life actually sucks and, rationally at least, I know that I don't have to suck. The world seems like a great place but I just have a hard time feeling apart of it.

Right now I'm figuring at throwing my life away for a career in film and theatre. It's one of the few things that can keep my mind in one place. It's visceral and intellectual and ties up all that angst into real processes. The sort of thing that invalidates all that long term meaninglessness over an engaging short-term struggle.
It's probably going to burn me but at least it's something. I'd rather spend most of my time in arbitrary bubble-moments of activity than a big long slog of a life.

And hell, if I do ruin my life this way, it would give me something real to feel shit about instead of amorphous shit.

I don't think it's about being happy or sad, at least I really I hope it's not about that. I can't say for sure but I think it has something to do with intensity of experience or the feeling that something is "real."
The expectations of normal day to day life doesn't cater to that.

Then again, I'm young and dumb.

For me life is just drifting in the stream of time. Watching events and people go by. I can't get a grip of anything. I wonder if I will have a place in this world some day or am I destined to just drift past events to the void.