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SHREK V OFFICIAL SCREENPLAY
INTRO
[OPEN SCENE: SHREK’S SWAMP CABIN] Camera pans from sky to bathroom window as “All Star” by Smash Mouth plays, but it’s not actually All Star, but a Sound Wave remix of All Star.
[Bathroom] The camera pans from the window to SHREK in front of the mirror, jiggling his FAT OGRE ASS around as he hums and dances to All Star, brushing his teeth. This goes on for like a minute, giving the audience an uncomfortable erection, especially the young boys, to make them super confused.
SHREK leaves room, CAMERA close behind. All Star fades out as he enters LIVING ROOM, to find knocking at the door. SHREK opens it to find CYBORG TIME TRAVELING HITLER in full uniform.
SHREK: What are ye herr fohr?
CTT. HITLER: Ve need you back on ze field, Shrek.
SHREK: I gave up that leefstyle a lung time aguh.
CTT. HITLER: You got a familee now, Herr Shrek? You do not seem like ze person to have a familee.
SHREK: I settled duwn, gave meself a new leef. I quit the SS, Cyborg Time Traveling Hitler.
CTT. HITLER: Shame, you were ze best! You got rid of the trickiest Juden even in your retirement.
SHREK: What do ye mean?
CTT. HITLER: You are, how-you-say, pulling my balls, no? Zere is no way you did not know, even deep down, zat Rumplestiltskin and Lord Farquaad were JUDEN. Zey were both tits-men.
SHREK: Ye, maybe eh did know all alung what I was doin’. But it duzzn’t matter now. What matters is I got a famileh.
CTT. HITLER: Or do you, Herr Shrek? Have you seen this family zis morning?
SHREK: What do yeh mean? They’re just [SHREK proceeds to walk towards his bedroom casually with CTT HITLER following him] aslehp… What in Guhd’s name?
CTT. HITLER: Just as I have expected. Ze Juden came and took your familee.
SHREK: Darn filthy Jews. I knew they would do some sneaky things, but to take meh famileh? That’s meh famileh!
>>
CTT. HITLER: Relax, Herr Shrek. Zey will not kill zem, but rather, convert zem to Juden. You can still save zem. Come vith me.
SHREK: Okeedokee. We just gotta make a stop on the way, is thaht alright?
CTT. HITLER: I really do not care. Ze Juden are crafty -tsk, tsk- but zat does not mean I am alvays one step ahead.
[Scene closes, and reopens on CTT. HITLER and SHREK taking a carriage to DONKEY’s GIANT ONION HOUSE in the heart of the swamp.]
CTT. HITLER: Und your friend lives here?
SHREK: Ye.
[Carriage pulls up in front of ONION HOUSE and Shrek comes out, and walks up the steps, and knocks on the door]
SHREK: DUNKEHH!
DONKEY: Eyy b0ss, em busy getin dat fire ass pussi b0ss.
DRAGONBITCH: [Erotic hissing]
DONKEY: Hold up baby I gotta do some stuff quick. It’s ma boi Shrek. [The door opens to reveal DONKEY dressed up in some casual pimp-wear] Yo ma boi Shrek. And if it ain’t Cyborg Time Traveling Hitler.
CTT. HITLER: Hello, I presume you are Herr Donkey.
DONKEY: Boi ya know it, how ya do, kind sir? Want some watermelun?
CTT. HITLER: [Aside to Shrek] I don’t really want to cooperate with… Zis colorful character.
SHREK: [Aside to Hitler] Ye, but he’s a chill one. Let’s keep him around, make him honorary Aryan.
DONKEY: How can I help yuh two tuhday?
SHREK: Me wife and keeds been kidnahpped. We need yurr help to fight the Jews.
DONKEY: Them darn sneaky Jews done went and stole my already stolen belongings. My wife was sitting on a pile of treasure, and when they tried to take it, they dun went and burst up intuh flames.
SHREK: Then ye know what we’re dealing with.
DRAGONBITCH: [Hissing]
DONKEY: Hunneh I’m goin’ on anudder adventure with ma boi Shrek. Y’all stay here and protect the gold dat good?
DRAGONBITCH: [Affirming roar]
>>
DONKEY: [Aside to SHREK AND CTT. HITLER] Y’all both know I just want some pussy that ain’t the size of my house, y’know. [SHREK nods in confirmation as CTT. HITLER calls in a blimp to carry them to ISRAEL]
CTT. HITLER: I just called us a blimp zat’ll take us right to ISRAEL, home of der Juden.
[END SCENE 1]
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