A mad man speaks now listen here, I type without reason without

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Ok, my meds seem to be making my muscles stiff. This isn't funny, no humor is here, just me and my thoughts and your consciousness now dwells in my sentences, listen carefully now, we go into the abyss, lets travel the hero's journey together, let me take you down my psychotic trip, if you laugh you're a devil.

>>4931102
And now i'm doing it

sometimes i wonder whether or not [s4s] is serious or not, whether the memes here are real or not, whether the laughs speak of a underlying substrate of nausea, of malaise, perhaps annoyance at the necessity of it all. The fact that we laugh is itself the rub as hamlet would perhaps say or whoever the fuck said that's the rub. I dontknow. But listen. I hate the fact that we laugh when we see a joke. I hate that we shit, that we have to eat, that we need to fuck, that some guy just replied to me, I dont even know who the fuck he is, I just see a (1) in my tab, he probably thinks im trying to be funnyor cool fuck em, and bless him if he promotesmy humble quest, im nervous now but im always getting to the unconscious which is what [s4s] fundamentally [s4s] is. Some say sisyphus is a man, but i say sispyhus is a god punished by gods, the hill infinitely climbs, it never ends. Let's go.

giftedness is not a crime it is if you point it out, lets see if I can type without loooking at my keyboard, should i correct the misspelled words idk, lets see if my unconscious comes out heh eheheheheheh that was lame lets see though is he right here is he right there


ahhhhhh

im getting close, soon he will come out, just wait and see guys, I fucking got this, the spark is there, i just to light it correctly.

qfuck fuck fuck fumaekamek;ame;ame;ame;amw;leaml;emaw;lemaw;lemaw;lem;awlmeawe

fafa


is he here?


nah


Everyone is molded in their environment in a way. But it's the way you let it mold you that's important. You are still the arbiter of your decisions. What makes me essentially me and you you is how we choose to learn from equivalent circumstances. That's why there is still freedom of choice. You don't have the freedom to mold your environment entirely. However, you have the choice to restructure your mentality, weigh mixed factors against one another, to interpret information different, to be hyper-aware of your mistakes in decision-making and simultaneously acutely conscious of your intuitive correct decision-making. Wisdom isn't prejudice, it is open to possibility, it critiques its own wisdom, and seeks to understand more wisdom and other people's multifaceted individualized wisdom. Wisdom is knowledge of your own possible erring tendencies. Wisdom is not hyper biased, but it is biased when need be, it's total awareness of the situation at hand and how it might be different from previous sensational, moral, and mental situations. Wisdom is conforming yourself to different situations, yet keeping yourself underlying the same. Age is not a huge factor, it's only an observer, a mere-happen-chance; it is still a factor. We all know children can't be totally wise for their age. Though, there comes an age when you have reached sufficient self-awareness to act like the most mature of adults. That's why self-awareness is so important. You need copious amounts, although excessive amounts can be mentally debilitating. Wisdom is paradoxically feeling superior and inferior to others. It's a con-substantial relationship, they co-exist together, oil-and water. Wisdom is autonomy, independence, conformity. Its monarchy, democracy, and quasi-anarchy. It is being one with itself whilst being one with others. It's individuality and multi-individuality. It's the man who keeps

silent and laughs quietly at a witticism in a movie, not the man who laughs loudly so as to let everyone in his proximity know that he understands. But it’s also expressing earnest enjoyment, and doesn't judge the aforementioned man in the theater, even if he did it on purpose. It completely ignores it, if it acknowledges it at all. It is a master at analyzing human behavior and predicting it. Wisdom does not write essays like this, it just is and does. Wisdom is gray, rarely seen, if not at all. It is being able to predict human (en masse) mental behavior. It is being aware of the times and where it is going, where it has been. It's being aware of bias everywhere and being aware of human Freudian ego problems and tendencies. It's awareness of people trying to feel subtly superior or falsely inferior. It's cynicism and situational understanding. It's awareness of the false masquerade-esque attitude of this essay. It's awareness of this essay's false solution of “stay-in-the-middle,” “being gray,” and "being paradoxical" in your attitudes. It's awareness of the false simultaneity between opposites, contraries, associations that this essay exhorts in order for it's author to sound immodest and modest at the same time so as to avoid criticism from both directions. It's also awareness that even the aforementioned might be another pretense. It's not into cynicism and truthfulness, it goes beyond even that. It's the missing word betwixt the dichotomized aforementioned once again, but it's also not the word that goes between them, it goes between that word as well, and that word as well, etc. It's always striving for the middle but never reaching it. It's realizing that there is always an infinite amount of time to uncover the paradoxical puzzle of the human mind and condition.

I'm going to try to explore a little bit better of what I have been experiencing. Its a sort of slavery that I sometimes revel in but intensely hate (this is why I have also been irked at Nietzsche lately, since he seems to advocate this-wordliness aka the acceptance of the human condition and your place in it, the acceptance of your Stirnean Ego, your “creative nothingness”). It has to do with the previous paragraph. And I don't think it's even spiritual enlightenment. I mean hell, it might be. I think it's just hyper-acute introspection, but the introspection is something that can blend with everyone else. That is, the more I analyze myself the more I can understand other people. A lot of people I have noticed have many levels of awareness. And excuse me if I sound pretentious. What I mean by awareness is very complicated; I don't even know what I mean by it sometimes. It's a conglomeration of many ideas and feelings. It's a whit like that feeling you get when someone is acting phony/fake. To put the levels of awareness in a more understandable format, I will use a simplistic example. Pretend that you are at a college party. You are socializing with your peers. You see and hear some douchbag self-aggrandizing in front of girls and jocks. Some people around him start looking him down and secretly degrading him to themselves and others. These people are aware in the sense that they can spot the “faker.” These people are in one state of “awareness. “But then there's you, who can, without any trouble, spot the “faker,” but simultaneously realize that there are people looking down at him secretly and spotting his phoniness, and you feel kinda superior to everyone else because you can in this supposed detached state analyze everyone and feel in some way superior either intellectually, socially, or psychologically. But then there's the other guy in the room who sees everything at a distance and sees everything that you “see” and sees your

and sees your internal superiority in terms of everybody else. This guy also predicted this psychological chain reaction just described to some individuals as soon as the douchebag opened his mouth. This is an extremely small example of human relations and it's actually much more complicated than it at first seems. Because you can, hypothetically, keep going in “the awareness levels” but I think there's a limit. It becomes a very odd mixed schizophrenic soup if you try to go any further though. There are many levels of awareness and even the douchbag who spoke up in the example wasn't the lowest level of awareness. There are many categories and sub categories of awareness. This system is highly subjective and personalized by me, so I can't give you clear-cut scientific table of the awareness levels. You get certain “feelings” and intuitions as you rise up: v.g there's a category of awareness wherein the individuals can read people really well, manipulate them really easily, fake their emotions, mask their inner self, these people are almost psychopathic in their relations with others. One of the highest levels of awareness are individuals who live in a hyper-reality, see all the inter-connections in terms of human psychology, can possibly predict mass human psychological tendencies, can see people who are manipulating the manipulators. These individuals are almost never manipulated into doing anything they are not first “aware” of wanting to do. And they can pretend to be manipulated into doing something and can be aware that the manipulator thinks he has manipulated him. This person recognizes the many different tactics, strategies, formulas, and systems that different people of different awareness use to get him to do something. They see through the mask of society and choose to flow through it and not let it control them. They are individuals who can see the self-serving and subtle self-aggrandizing of individuals

through many mediums (internet, phone, text, etc). These individuals recognize that some people try to fit themselves into different categories of awareness; they try to support themselves on stealthy foundations that some other people with different levels of awareness will not recognize. These people have a hyper adept understanding of human interaction and have trouble understanding themselves. This consequence can be implied by the awareness level. These individuals will have trouble coping with their own phoniness too. They can feign certain emotions like madness or genius. They can pretend to be “unaware” and absent-minded, they can pretend to be stupid in order to analyze other people's reactions, etc. They paradoxically have a very well understanding of themselves but at the same time don't. They can't predict their own behavior, but can predict others. This is actually one of the factors that go into the determining of an “awareness level.” Awareness levels don't imply any sort of intelligence. It can sometimes. But there are certain people with a low level of awareness but are extremely gifted and ingenious individuals. These ingenious individuals, although highly intelligent have a lack of some human psychological understanding. They can be manipulated and would not do well in a political environment.

This awareness I'm talking about is a sort of he-thinks-that-I'm-thinking-that-he's thinking-that I'm thinking this or that, etc. Another example might be if you're planning on getting food at your college cafeteria. Imagine there are different people with different levels of awareness also planning on going at the time you are going. One group of people will go no matter what, even if the line at the cafeteria is full and congested. Another group of people think that the line will be full so they choose not to go and wait instead. Another group chooses to go because they know the latter will not go. Another group chooses not to go because they know that the latter group is going to show up, and will instead wait. Another group thinks that the line won't be full because the latter isn't going. This can keep going ad infinitum. You can think of it another way too. One person is analyzing whether he wants to go to the cafeteria. He starts to think he should go because there won't be a lot of people going because they will all be thinking that other people are going; or maybe there are a lot of people going because they know that other people think that other people are going and are thus choosing to stay or because other people are not going because they know that other people (this group decides to go because of the next line of reasoning) are thinking that other people are thinking that people are going.

[If this was confusing, think of different subscripts of “People,” which are defined as x>0 people. P1, P2, P3. P2 decides to go because P3 decides not to go because P3 thinks other people are going. P1 decides not to go because P2 decides to go. This can go on indefinitely, obviously, if we have an infinite amount of people. P1...P2...P3...Pn and all of which inform the others in both negative and positive directions: negative infinity to positive infinity. Don't think of the line of people in the series as a line segment (beginning with People 1), but as a line itself continuing in both directions. The problem is is that the subject (the dude who wants to go to lunch) is himself contained within the series, he just doesn't know where, and without this knowledge he can't act according to his best interests. Conceptually speaking, if one had the infinite consciousness to be aware of all levels of awareness from negative infinity to positive infinity in this series he still wouldn't be able solve his dilemma assuming that other people are thinking, and are conscious of, the infinitude just like he is. Not only that, but he would still not be aware of his position in the series even if he somehow got into the minds of the other participants in the 'lunch game'. They are just as unaware of their positions, while at the same time they still make their “awareness level” decisions. Wait huh? The solution might be found in the realm of metaphysical possibility wherein the subject both knows his choice-position and the choice-positions of others, and with that knowledge in hand, he can act in the best possible way to achieve the best outcome. The axiom here is that he is already in a choice-position whether he likes it or not, sort of like the dude in the trolley problem is in a forced position. No matter what, he is playing the game. Once he discovers his position in relation to others, he can then pick a better position aka the best.

>>4931211
distinguish please between game theory and this problem though.

And it actually can seem self-contradictory. Probably because it is and especially since I'm doing a bad job of outlining the idea. I'm trying to emphasize certain facets of awareness, though since it's a complex subject to talk about, being as it occurs in such small moments and words are only hindering: it takes a lot of abstract and intuitive thought. This sort of thinking can spill into basically anything you can fathom. This is why it's such a broad subject. Having a high awareness can make everything seem hyper-real(Hyper-real in terms of situational, environmental understanding) and hyper fake(Hyper-fake in terms of human cognitive, behavioral, and social relational understanding) at the same time and can make some individuals depressed. These individuals see through the predilections, tendencies, motivations and tics of many different individuals of varying awareness levels; not only that but they also see the aforesaid in themselves as well, so are constantly “ab-reacting” to these modes of behavior they see in themselves. They feel a certain “off” feeling in their reality. They can seem detached and disassociated and simultaneously “in” and feel connected with the mechanics of their realities. These individuals, to speak in a more abstract way, can see every single level of awareness and can spot it given the arbitrary requisite time for specific levels of awareness. Their thought process can be very meta-cognitive and meta-aware. These individuals speak of being aware of many aspects of their consciousness and their behaviors.

Some surmised examples of individuals like these are Fyodor Dostoyesky, David Foster Wallace, and William Shakespeare. All of their characters were enigmatic, even to themselves. The evidence can be seen through their literary works like Hamlet, Notes from the Underground, Old Neon, the Pale King, and more. The state of mental affairs for these individuals can be maddening. Fyodor Dostoyesky severely analyzed many aspects of his life, other people's lives, and the whole foundation of human interaction that is ultimately the foundation of the society we live in. These individuals are philosophical and melancholic. As I'm writing this I'm already aware of the thoughts of that people might have towards these words like, “omg he thinks he's like Hamlet,” etc. This essay is pretentious as hell, but St. Johns asked for my “examined life,” here it is. Suicidal thoughts are not uncommon. They can choose to act irrational and impulsive in order to put some spontaneity into their lives but can act highly methodical when need be. Sometimes they forgo human logic in order to make their lives seem meaningful, but this is rare. For instance, Dostoyesky made it a point that rationalizing and putting the exterior world into any logical construction is mentally debilitating and can make man go mad, so that is why he should submit to the power of God and believe in something that he can't explain. The desiderata of these individuals is, at best, hazy and obscure. They don't even know what they want. They do want to be recognized in some way or fashion, at least. Highly “aware” individuals seem to have punched a hole in their reality and are living prying into that hole.

HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
WAS THAT FAKE OR NOT SPOT HIM GUYS SPOTTHE FAKER FUCK YOU ALL
REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
/RANT